Hot Streets (2016) s02e06 Episode Script

Camp Hot Streets

[Bird squawks] [Music] Ahh.
Another year, another Camp Hot Streets.
- How's camp, Nostril? - Eh, eat my snot.
Snot?! [Laughs] I'm gonna own this camp.
How you doin', Chef Chubbie? [Mumbling] Well, to be honest, the summer heat is flaring up my testicle fungus.
Disinfect my sports cup when you get a chance.
My testicle fungus is as toxic and nasty as all be.
[Music] Aah, camp.
Nothing to worry about.
[creepy music] Woman: Free! Gagagagagagagaga! 2x06 - Camp Hot Streets Camp is the perfect time for self-reflection.
Relax and think about your future.
Thanks for inviting me, Uncle Mark.
Chilling in the woods is exactly what I need.
You know, Jen, I've been thinking about my future a lot lately.
And I came to the conclusion that I want you to get married and have a baby.
- What?! - How 'bout that Matt guy you were seeing? - Marry him.
- No! We broke up.
That's partly why I'm on this trip, to get away from people like him.
I hope I never see him again.
Matt? [Music] - What is he doing here? - You mean, Agent Matt.
I hired him.
He's Hot Streets now.
Not bad for my first job, ever.
Did you invite me here as a scheme to get me back together with Matt? - Yes.
What do you think? - I think you're insane, and I'll be in my cabin all week, - and I'm only coming out to eat.
- Okay, see you at dinner.
Chef Chubbie's cooking up something fancy.
Ugh! Hey, Chubbie! What's on the menu? [Coughs] - Lamb.
- Lamb! [Insects buzzing] [Sighs] Get a load of those ooga-boogas! Those ooga-boogas belong to me, Nostril.
I saw them first, and I plan to win them back.
You had your chance, hot shot.
She's up for grabs.
You won't be grabbing those ooga-boogas as long as I'm alive.
Jen! Are you ovulating? Branski ordered me to have babies with you.
[Trumpet plays] Welcome to Camp Hot Streets! The very best agents we have to offer will teach you the skills that make Hot Streets, Hot Streets.
I see some returning faces.
Fat kid, nerd, cool jock, brown nose with the diary.
- I'm Sarah.
- If you say so.
Soon, you'll get to be junior agents, all of you if you can get through the training.
Let's begin.
Welcome to Alien Autopsy 101.
What we have here is the very dangerous Deathlopod.
I think it's pregnant? Ha! [All scream] [Laughs] Eh, [bleep] you! [Thinking] This kid is an asshole.
[Music] That's what I like to call my action roll.
You try.
[Music] Nice work.
Nostril, you're next.
Action roll.
[Grunts, screams] [Laughter] Oh, no! It's dislodged! What's dislodged? Aah! Oh, my boogie! My prized possession! I've been saving it in my nostril for five years.
It's split and crawled into my forehead sinus! Gah! Phew! Back in the nose you go.
Welcome home, champ.
[Music] Maybe this won't be so bad.
I'll go fetch more firewood.
He isn't coming back.
Do you wanna know why? It's because there's a witch who lives in the overgrown cottage in the woods.
Not only does she eat children, she uses human organs for her wicked spells.
Even if he does come back, it'll be without his organs! Is that what it says in your diary?! [Both grunting] No! - Nostril.
- Eh, take a hike.
- And [bleep] you! - [Bleep] you! No, you [bleep] you.
I just can't beat him! [All scream] - What happened to your eye? - I think something took it.
But I saw it with the eye I lost, so now I can't remember what it was.
Sarah's right! It was the witch! It was the witch! What should we do, Nostril? Okay, that's enough fun for one night.
McGafferty, report to the clinic.
The rest of you, hit the cabins.
[Music] Woman: Free! Gagagagagagagaga! [Door opens] And here's the bunkmate I picked for you.
- Agent Matt.
Good night.
- No! No way.
I'm switching cabins.
Jen, I-I'm sorry I dumped you.
But give me another chance.
Don't you miss my long, perfect tongue? Thing of all the long-tongued children you could have together if your heart wasn't made of stone.
- Goodbye! - Suit yourself.
- But there's only one cabin avail - I'm taking it.
Okay, but it's with a special kid.
Doesn't matter, I'll take it! [Door slams] [Sighs] Help! The witch got me! Ketchup, funny.
I get it.
You're the kid terrorizing the camp.
Give it a rest.
Now I know why Matt dumped you.
You're no fun.
I'm not talking to you.
Go to sleep! Did he tap it and scrap it? I bet that's what happened.
Oh, that's it! Get in bed, now! If I hear or see anything, any kind of prank, you're done.
Woman: Free! Gagagagagagagaga! You little prick! Now you've done it.
[Gasps] It wasn't me! It was the witch from the cottage! But I ain't scared.
Oh, of course the witch.
Maybe we should pay her a visit to tell her to shut the [bleep] up! [Grunts, sobs] Look, Jen, I I was just playing.
- Honest! - Aw, what's the matter? Scared of the witch? [Wind gusts] [Whoosh] I'm making a turkey dinner in my underwears, with all the fixins stuffing, cranberry sauce! [Music] Witch? Hungry for a kid? Hey, that ain't funny.
Let's go back.
I'll be quiet, I swear! Free! Gagagagagagagagaga! [Screams] [Glass shatters] What was that? We released the witch! [Music] Agent down! [Gasping] - My God.
- Mark: Agent Matt.
From the looks of it, he had major trauma to all organs.
He's missing several body parts, - including his tongue! - It was the witch! Nostril, let the adults talk.
Nostril's right.
Last night, we saw her.
She attacked us, and I think I set her loose.
Agents, we have a Hot Streets.
Let's search the forest for Witch.
Jen, you head back to the mess hall - with the kids and lock the doors.
- Got it.
Everyone stay inside! Oh, all I wanted was a quiet weekend.
All right, everybody! Head count! It's interesting.
I keep losing one of things.
Are you okay? Why wouldn't I be? [Rustling] [Music] The crops They look just like - Hot Streets campers.
- That's weird.
I counted more kids here than we have logged.
You shouldn't have freed Witch.
It'll be okay, everybody.
My uncle is taking care of it.
- We're all safe here.
- But are you safe? [Snarls] [Music] Free! Gagagagagagagaga! Aaah! [Warbling] Pay attention.
It is I, Witch.
, scan these kids.
[Whirring] J.
N: Humanoid plant pod.
Origin unknown.
One real kid detected with severe sinusitis.
- I'm real? - Nostril, get ready to fight.
I require this human vessel to speak.
I grew these crop kids to eat, a substitute for real children.
I could no longer bear a witch's diet.
But the crop kids started getting clever.
They stole my spell book and trapped me in my cottage.
And they've been busy making more of themselves with human organs! Matt's beautiful, long tongue.
And my long, beautiful eyeball.
- How do we stop them? - Get me my spell book, and I can destroy them for good! [Grunts] Nostril: [Sobs] Leave me alone! What are you doing with Nostril? Chubbie! [Gasps] Good dog.
Use your soup to grease up my wrists.
My compliments to the chef.
[Mumbling] [Music] What's the story here? We use organs to grow more crop kids.
We've moved from animals to humans.
Soon, the crop kids will harvest the world, and become the dominant species.
The organs of an orphan are particularly potent.
Yeah, you figured out my secret.
I'm an orphan! Nobody wants Nostril.
Just don't hurt Jen, okay? Chubbie, we have to save Nostril.
Ha! [Music] [Grunts] My action roll.
I'll take your organs! Bone breako, bone breako, bone breako! [All screaming] Stay in there, kidney! [Screaming continues] To stop the crop kids for good, I need ten tarantula legs, three potatoes, one sour seed, gasoline, the tears of a virgin, mercury, testicle fungus, and a booger the size of an 8-year-old's face.
How the hell are we gonna find all that? [Mumbles] Is that what you made all of those ingredients? Uh-huh! Uh-huh! I just need booger.
One big boogie comin' right up! [Snorts] - You have no idea what lamb is, do you? - Nu-uh! Nu-uh! I did it! [All cheering] All right.
[Trumpet plays mournfully] Jen, the reason I wanted you to get back with Matt and have kids was, well, 'cause I just found out I'm infertile.
You were the only way for the family name to live on.
That doesn't excuse you from the things you did.
You acted like a monster! I won't push my weird desire for you to have kids anymore.
Besides, after today, I realize, I don't really like kids except for Nostril here.
Do you have a home? A family? - No.
- Well, ya do now at a brand-new orphanage that just opened up in town.
Eh, eat my tears.