Hotel Babylon (2006) s01e01 Episode Script
Episode 1
MAN: Maybe you're on holiday.
Maybe you're on a business trip.
Maybe you missed the last train or the last flight.
Thanks.
Maybe you're getting married.
Maybe you had a row with your wife or husband and they kicked you out.
Chances are you might end up somewhere like this.
Just sign there.
-£863? For two nights? -Sir, the bill is fully itemised.
Room charge, restaurant, bar, telephone, dry cleaning.
How can you justify charging these prices? This is extortion.
Okay, it's gonna cost you an arm and a leg, and if this is your first visit, it may come as a bit of a shock, but what are you gonna get for your money? The best view.
The best service.
The finest ingredients.
The utmost discretion.
But that's not the whole picture.
What you're really paying for is the opportunity to live out your wildest, darkest, craziest fantasies.
To be, for maybe just a night or two, the person you really want to be.
I'm not paying it.
Mr Austin, glad I caught you.
Mrs Austin left some personal items in the room.
Perhaps on your next visit, Mrs Austin can enjoy some complimentary sessions in our health and beauty spa.
Whatever or whoever you want to be Thank you.
we'll look after you.
What would you say your responsibilities would be if I gave you the job? I'd say my number one responsibility as deputy manager would be to the guests, to ensure they have an enjoyable and relaxing stay.
My job is to serve them, no matter how absurd, bizarre or perverse their requirements may be.
(PAGER BEEPING) Oh, God.
Sorry.
Do you mind? I think I have all the necessary skills.
I'm organised, ambitious, and I just think the job will be more personally rewarding than working on reception.
-You said "think" twice.
-Is that a bad thing? Try using "believe", as in, "I believe your account is overdue, Mrs Akiko.
" Puts a more positive spin on things.
Let me see.
Did we find the finger? Okay, get him to a hospital.
(PAGER BEEPING) You have all the attributes of a good receptionist.
You're polite, handsome, flirtatious -and yet strangely asexual.
-Thank you.
So why would I want to lose my best receptionist and gain an inexperienced deputy manager? Come on, out! The honesty bar is for guests, not for the homeless.
Every bloody morning he's here.
Maybe I put some ice down his back, eh? I'll handle this.
Thank you, Gino.
Darling, it's gone 9:00.
Time to go to work.
Dinner will be on the table when you get home.
Come on, out.
Imagine your worst day, a day when everything goes wrong and everyone blames you.
Then multiply that by 10.
That is an average day in the life of a hotel manager.
Doesn't put me off.
I want to progress.
One day I want your job.
In another five star hotel, obviously.
Don't tell me, it's always been your boyhood dream.
Well, no, what kid grows up dreaming about running a hotel? -I did.
What's in the box, Tony? -Mr Kendal, 302, requested female company.
I offered him a female escort.
He asked for something a little bit different.
If you'll excuse me, I have to go and source a foot pump.
Any questions? Just one.
If a job in management is as bad as you say it is, then why do you do it? I never said the job was bad.
I said it was long hours and hard work.
-There are also a lot of perks.
-Like? Like, if you ever get the job, you'll discover for yourself.
My last three deputies all quit within six months.
None of them were tough enough to stand up to me.
Are you? I I believe so.
Good interview, Charlie.
I'll be making my decision after the weekend.
The Saudi gentleman, Sheik? Sheik Ahmed Bin Marmet.
He's been waiting around all morning, wanted to thank you personally for your understanding.
The question you've got to ask yourself is, is the job really worth all the arse-kissing that goes with it? It's the best job in the world.
It is.
You get rich, beautiful guests making passes at you.
You're surrounded by the best of everything, and on top of that, the tips are great.
-Yeah, the tips are good.
-And for a manager, they're excellent.
-Mr Mr Geffen.
-Texas Geffen.
Came here a couple of weeks ago.
He lent Rebecca the keys to his villa in Barbados as a thank you.
Well, if she wants someone to carry her bags The real reason why I want this job so badly, one day, I want to be able to come into a place like this, as a guest, rent the biggest suite, order anything day in and day out, and money just not be an object.
-Never gonna happen.
-Exactly.
So surely, the next best thing is being in charge of a place like this, and if I have to kiss a little bit of arse, thenI'll happily pucker up.
-Do you think she'll give you the job? -No idea.
Don't suppose it'll improve your chances if you're three minutes late for her morning meeting? Oh, shit.
You coming? No, I'm not the one looking for a promotion, sunshine.
Pucker up.
-Sorry I'm late, Rebecca.
-Don't make a habit of it, Charlie.
-Anything juicy in last night's log? -Relatively quiet night until Mrs Salcombe in room 706 opened her mini-bar and discovered this.
A chocolate bar.
Open it and see.
You can imagine her disappointment.
Good God, this must have taken someone hours.
-Sorry I'm late, Rebecca.
-Don't worry about it, Tony.
-How much do we charge for this bar? -£1.
Arrange for a complimentary basket of chocolates to be sent up to Mrs Salcombe with our apologies.
Then find out who occupied room 706 before her.
Are we sure this was not done by a chambermaid? -They eat all bloody day.
-My girls don't steal.
Why is a guest perfectly happy shelling out £200 a night for a room, but they won't pay for a bar of chocolate? Well, their expenses don't cover the mini-bar.
They can't claim it back.
-Oh, please.
-Okay, listen up.
The duty manager at the Burlington has been on the phone, wants to know -if we can accommodate the Junk Dogs.
-The what? They're not a what, they're a who.
The Junk Dogs are an American rock outfit, three nights into a five-night gig at Wembley Arena.
-What do we know about them? -Bass player is a convicted arsonist, burnt down the Aristotle in Denver a couple of years ago.
-Heavy drinkers? -Rock-and-rollers, Gino.
-They'll clear your bar out in about two hours.
-JACKIE: Sound like trouble.
I'm expecting a 1796 Napoleon cognac in today.
I can sell it for £600 a shot.
Mark it up as 750.
I'll get back to the Burlington, tell them we'd be delighted to welcome the -Junk Dogs.
-The Junk Dogs.
Rock and roll, everybody! Excuse me, Rebecca.
It's only a small point, but we're already booked 120%.
We currently don't have any room for them.
I'm sure we can squeeze them in somewhere, can't we, Charlie? CHARLIE: Rockstars love hotels, and we love having them to stay.
Parties in the suite, round-the-clock room service, champagne Jacuzzis, groupies by the bus load.
The rich, the famous and the notorious, they are our lifeline, and we never, ever turn them away.
Apologies for the inconvenience, ladies and gentlemen, but due to an electrical fault, we have to clear the floor.
We do, of course, only have your safety and comfort in mind.
Reception will be happy to give you new rooms or alternative accommodation at a nearby hotel.
-How are we doing? -Just clearing the floor now.
Find Jackie.
Get housekeeping to sweep through.
Why do they need the entire floor to themselves? Security reasons.
All celebrities are cowards.
Oh, Charlie, I'll be giving your page and mobile numbers to the band.
Anything they want, any time of day, they can call you.
-Me? -You want to progress to management, -here's an opportunity to prove yourself.
-You can count on me, Rebecca.
Build up a rapport with them.
Make them feel comfortable, relaxed and special.
-Get them into the bar as soon as they arrive? -Exactly.
Oh, I do hope they refrain from urinating.
I hate it when guests urinate on our property.
(CLEARING THROAT) Oh.
Hi.
We're just emptying the 7th floor.
You got any chambermaids free? I'll see what I can do.
Was there anything else you wanted from me? We've got a problem with 706.
Right.
MAN: Oh, yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! (KNOCKING ON DOOR) I got reception to phone the room, but there was no answer.
(WOMAN MOANING) MAN: Wait a minute.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
-Can't we just let ourselves in? -That is the biggest no-no of the job.
You never, under any circumstances, let yourself into an occupied room.
-Right.
Guest's privacy.
-Actually, no, it's for your own safety.
So how are we gonna get them out? Morning, men.
Can I interest you in a lovely piece of fine cheese? (MAN AND WOMAN MOANING) This never happened.
Yeah! So how long do we wait? (WOMAN SCREAMING) MAN: What the (BANGING) That didn't sound very good.
This is a thoroughly regrettable incident, and we will, of course, take care of your expenses at the Chesterton, and please allow us to provide you with a limousine service to the airport tomorrow.
Begin your honeymoon in style with our compliments.
Apologies for the disruption, madam, but we have found you accommodation at another hotel in the area.
-I'm just preparing your final bill now.
-Preparing the bill for you now.
(SIGHING) -Charlie, can I take a break soon? -We're kind of busy.
I know, but I want to freshen up before the band get here.
Ben, these are hard-drinking American rock stars.
They're not gonna fall in love with you.
Sometimes you can be so cruel.
It's for tonight, if that's not too much of an imposition.
I'll look into that for you, sir, of course.
Have you noticed anything odd about Rebecca today? -No.
-It's Friday, -and she's wearing the black Armani two-piece.
-So? The black Armani two-piece she wears on Thursdays.
It's the same suit that she wore yesterday.
I thought you had to be gay to notice things like that.
No, observation is 90% of the concierge's job.
When a woman like Rebecca wears the same clothes two days running, something isn't right.
I want a receipt.
Thank you.
-I'd like to check in.
-Certainly, madam.
The name? The Junk Dogs.
Ah, we've been looking forward to your arrival.
Will the musicians be checking in themselves? They're doing a sound check.
I'll take care of the paperwork.
Okay.
All right, just need a couple of signatures here and here.
Can I just say, madam, that it's an honour to have the Junk Dogs stay here? I am an enormous fan of their music.
I'll pass that message on to them.
They'll be thrilled.
They've been working very hard to reach the gay-black demographic.
It is good to see their efforts haven't been in vain.
It's just like flushing a toilet on an aeroplane.
Vacuum drainage system.
Good for the guests, good for the environment.
Ah, this very powerful shower can comfortably accommodate two to three people if that's your thing.
-What do you care what my thing is? -Your thing is none of my business, madam.
Are you flirting with me? -No, Miss Bailey, I'm trying to suggest -To what? Insinuate that I like group showers? What next? Are you gonna show up at my door tonight with a bar of soap? Morning, my apologies for not meeting you at reception.
Rebecca Mitchell, General Manager.
Nina Bailey.
I'm looking after the band through their European leg of the tour.
I hope that my head receptionist has shown you around one of the best suites in our hotel.
Right down to flushing the john.
Then I trust that everything's to your satisfaction? -Yes, thank you.
-The temperature? The layout? -It's all okay.
-The view? The curtains? We have the same style of curtains but in blue, if that would be more calming.
I don't want you to change anything.
Very well, madam.
If you do need us for anything at all -Oh, actually, there was something.
-Madam? Maybe I wasn't looking hard enough, but I can't remember seeing a welcome basket.
Welcome basket? Fruit, pâté, olives.
The Burlington were kind enough to provide one free of charge.
-Why wasn't there a welcome basket in the room? -I assumed housekeeping would do it.
First rule of hotel management, never assume anything.
If you're not doing it yourself, you can take it for granted that it's not getting done.
-Question, why do hotels love celebrities? -Because they spend lots of money.
And? Publicity.
When the rich and the famous get drunk and behave badly, they do it under our roof.
Any tabloid article that mentions these American rock stars -must mention the hotel they're staying at.
-Got it.
If you're not up for this, Charlie, then tell me now.
-I'm up for it.
-I put my trust in you.
Don't let me down.
Jackie's been on the phone.
She wants a room inspection on 404.
Ten minutes.
-Any paparazzi turned up yet? -Not yet.
What time did you call them and tip them off? All right, leave it to me.
-Cheers, mate.
I owe you.
-If you get the deputy manager's job, you'll pay.
Can I help you inside with those bags, Mr Matthews? I'm helping Mr Matthews now.
Can I help you to the lifts with the bags, Mr Matthews, sir? -Ah, very kind of you.
Thank you, Peter.
-All part of the service.
What's she doing here? Cute.
Who is she? -Anna, lovely to meet you.
-Hello.
-Would you like to come this way to my office? -Brilliant.
Thank you.
Anna Thornton-Wilton.
She's the head receptionist at the Chesterton.
Well, if she's arriving through the front doors, then she's either a guest or she's here for a job interview.
I'm gonna go and do that room inspection.
-You wanted a room inspection? -Yes, please.
Okay.
That's all fine.
-Looks okay to me.
-Me, too.
Right.
(CHANTING) We want the Junk Dogs! We want the Junk Dogs! We want the Junk Dogs! We want the Junk Dogs! -What time are they getting here? -Post gig.
Should be around midnight.
I've also arranged another little welcome surprise for them.
Excellent.
Is it my imagination, or are there more bell boys on tonight? When the celebrity circus is in town, everyone wants to work.
Excuse me.
Absolutely, madam, that's all organised for you.
Rebecca, there's something you need to see.
Okay, thanks very much.
I didn't know it was your car until I ran a check on the number plate.
No one saw or heard anything, but I've got Mustafa running off the CCTV tape right now.
Forget it.
It's probably just kids.
Why don't we just keep this between ourselves for now? We don't want guests thinking their cars are at risk.
As you wish.
I've got a nephew who works in a garage.
He might be able to sort you out a decent rate.
-Thanks, Derek.
-Leave it with me, boss.
Good evening, Mrs Rautenan, Tony from the concierge desk.
Very well, thank you.
Yourself? Just a courtesy call to let you know that your theatre tickets have arrived.
I'll get them sent up to you, madam.
Come in.
-Your tickets, madam.
-Thank you, could you put them there for me? Will there be anything else? My hands are busy.
I'd love a chocolate.
I don't suppose you could Absolutely.
This one? Yes, that's fine.
Mmm.
-Thank you.
-All part of the service, madam.
-Have a pleasant evening.
-Yeah, thank you.
-Not even a towel over her private areas? -Nothing.
You're the luckiest son of a bitch I ever met.
Why does nothing like this ever happen for me, eh? Because you make your own luck in this world, Gino.
-Who is it, please? -Room service.
-Complimentary drinks from the bar, madam.
-One moment.
Come on in.
My wife is dressing for the theatre, but please put the drinks on the table.
Cambiare.
A coin has rolled under the bed, I'm afraid.
If I lift the corner, could you crawl underneath me to retrieve it? -Car trouble.
I need a room for the night.
-I'm afraid we're full.
-Charlie, this is me you're talking to.
-No, seriously, what with the band and -Oh.
-I can phone round, -see if there's any vacancies.
-What, and give money to the competition? Was that Anna Thornton-Wilton that I saw in the lobby earlier? She came in for the deputy manager position.
Her CV is very impressive.
I'm sure she's very good, considering the short amount of experience that she's had.
Of course, you have an advantage over her, -don't you, Charlie? -I do? You have a chance to prove yourself in front of me.
For example, by ensuring that our bar is sufficiently stocked -for the arrival of our rock stars.
-Funnily enough, I was just about to do that.
Thank you.
What a day! Flight delayed by three hours.
They misplace my luggage, and then I get a cab driver who decides to take the scenic route.
I tell you, today cannot get any worse.
You have a room for me.
The name's Pullins.
Mr Pullins.
Unfortunately, sir, we've had some electrical problems this afternoon.
(CLAMOURING) (WOMEN SCREAMING) We're all very excited about having you here.
The restaurant's open for another hour, and the bar's at your disposal all night.
(ROCK MUSIC BLARING ON TV) If you gentlemen need anything, day or night, then please Switch that thing off! We had some problems with porn channels in Germany.
Can you believe the hotel tried charging us treble their standard rate? A mistake like that would never happen here, Miss Bailey.
I've stayed in enough of these air-conditioned hell holes to know how they work.
Biggest money-spinning operation I've ever come across.
We aim to provide a good service.
This suite alone is costing the record company £3,500 a night.
How much do you think it's costing the hotel to turn it around? I couldn't possibly put a price on it, madam.
Let's see, shall we? Heating, lighting, washing the sheets and towels, labour charge of a cleaner £10 a day? That's quite a mark-up.
Then you've got the balls to stick a couple of chocolates on the pillows and call them complimentary! Hello.
Something to do with you? I took the liberty of organising a little entertainment for our rock stars, yeah.
I don't think they're gonna be needed tonight.
Why not? Somebody reinvent the wheel? Rock stars love hookers.
Are you coming to Samantha's for a drink tonight? I can't.
I've got to stick around just in case the band needs something.
-You're working a double shift? -Treble.
I'm on rota first thing in the morning.
Well, that takes arse-kissing to a whole new dimension.
I really want this job.
Well, if it means anything to you, everyone I've spoken to -wants you to get it.
-Really? Yeah, we don't want some hard-arse barking orders at us all day.
-Um People think I'm soft? -No, they think you're nice.
Which means soft.
Well, I'll tell you what, if I do get this job, I'm gonna be a right bastard to everyone.
And you, my friend, are the first on the list.
That's right, ladies, keep walking.
Back to the filthy London gutters you just crawled out of.
Do I have to be polite to this woman for another 36 hours? Well, if you really wanted to be rude to people, you should've trained to be a chef.
-See you tomorrow.
-Ta-ra.
CHARLIE: It's funny how busy these places get when there's a whiff of celebrity in the air.
Everyone wants to see the room where the actress hung herself or the pop star dangled a baby off the balcony.
But you're never the same again after you've worked a nightshift in a hotel.
How many times have I told you? Four times I called! -Hello.
-Mr Sturridge? -Yes.
-It's Rebecca Mitchell.
-Oh, hello.
How are you? -Very well, thank you.
You mentioned on your last visit that if I ever needed a favour I should call you.
Three mentions of the band, but not one mention of the hotel they're staying at.
-New dress, Rebecca? -Oh, thank you for noticing, Tony.
If you don't mind me saying so, Charlie, you don't appear to be very fresh.
(PHONE RINGING) Good morning, reception.
One moment, madam.
(PHONE RINGING) -Concierge desk.
-Tony, damsel in distress.
Put her through.
Good morning, madam, my name's Tony.
How can I help you today? Yeah, I can take care of that for you.
Go see my chemist mate round the corner.
Pick up a morning-after pill.
(PHONE RINGING) Better make it a couple of packs.
Three peppermint teas and a ginger cake.
What about the fights, the fire, the sofa through the windows, the dead hookers in the bathtub? Aren't we supposed to be under siege by a rock band? I stopped in at the Burlington last night on my way home.
-Spoke to the concierge on duty.
-And? They had the same problem.
Looks like the Junk Dogs have quit the booze, which is why those bastards bumped them onto us.
We emptied an entire floor for these people.
I'm sorry, but am I the only one who believes they have a responsibility to spend an obscene amount of money here? I don't think it's the band.
I think it's the PA.
You bring her down to me.
Three martinis, she want everyone for fun.
the language is a barrier, isn't that right, Gino? -I speak English as well as you.
-All the right words, all the wrong emphasis.
Okay, that's enough.
Let's turn a negative into a positive.
Any ideas? Don't look at me.
If those pussies are not drinking -They're gonna have to eat, eventually.
-Good thinking, Charlie.
Actually, I've got a new caviar supplier due in today.
I could ask if he has any Almas.
-14,000 a kilo.
-And they can smoke.
I have some Trinidad Diplomatics in the humidor.
-£500 each.
-For a cigar? No disrespect, my darling, but women do not understand cigars.
Tell me, Gino, is it really as complicated as drying leaves? These beauties were handed out by Castro in person.
I have a half-smoked butt from the man himself that is yours for £5,000, eh? Now we're talking! -Mr Matthews, how are you today? -I'm very well, thank you.
I have a case full of Kuwaiti dinars.
I wondered if you'd be a poppet and stick it in the hotel safe.
-Certainly, sir.
-Don't trust the safes in the room.
Too flimsy.
Charlie, could you put this in the safe for Mr Matthews? -Right away.
-Sir.
-Thank you, Charlie.
-Thank you, Mr Matthews.
Car's waiting for you out front, sir, a bottle of bubbly in the chiller.
Let's shop! -The guy driving Mr Matthews -New kid.
Well, let's keep him out of the lobby in future.
Rebecca won't be happy seeing him touting.
-We'll have a discreet word with the lad.
-Cheers, Derek.
(PAPARAZZI CLAMOURING) Ah! -Hi, Charlie.
-Hi, Anna.
How are things at the Chesterton? Oh, I quit last week.
Wasn't getting the opportunities that I deserve.
Which is why you've come here for the deputy manager post? Uh-huh, yeah, Rebecca called me back for my second interview this morning.
-So looks promising.
-Wow, that's wonderful.
Wouldn't that be cool, us two working together again, only me as your boss? -How cool would that be? -Yeah.
And I don't know about you, but I totally wouldn't feel uncomfortable -about that sex that we had.
-Me, neither.
See, as a career woman, I think it's okay to have sex with a man in a lower-ranking position.
It's only demeaning when it's the other way round.
Wouldn't you say so? -Hi, Anna.
-Oh, Rebecca.
Wow, great dress.
Thank you.
Little secret, it was off the peg.
Oh, you see, on most of us that would hang like a rag.
Come on through to the restaurant.
Let's have a cup of tea and a gossip before we talk shop.
Okay, see you again, Charlie.
Oh, Charlie, I haven't heard if our rock stars have made a reservation for lunch yet.
I'm not sure of their movements.
See, at the Chesterton, I had this system of suggesting that guests book early for lunch.
It sort of plants the idea in their head.
-Sorry, that was rude of me to interrupt.
-No, not at all.
See, Charlie, sometimes guests just need a little encouragement.
-Come through.
-Ciao, Charlie.
Ciao, Anna.
One Hawaiian and two vegetarian, £15.
Thank you.
How do you get people to spend money when they don't want to? Simple.
You spend it for them.
-No way Rebecca's gonna give me this job.
-So what, you're just gonna give up? Well, I may as well if I can't even get a rock band drunk.
Where's your fighting spirit? You said you wanted this job.
I mean, it's your career ambition.
Yeah, you said to me yesterday it wasn't worth the arse-kissing.
Yeah, well, that was yesterday.
Today I've got money riding on it.
Derek the doorman took a £10 bet.
-What are my odds? -50-50.
It's between you and the goddess who breezed through the lobby earlier.
-Anna? -Hmm.
-She ain't all that.
-Oh, yeah? Which bits were you looking at? She's not my type.
That reminds me, I need to keep an eye on housekeeping.
-You wanted a room inspection? -Yes, please.
-All good.
-Thank you.
-Was there anything else? -Did you have something in mind? -You okay? -Mmm-hmm.
-You sure? -Yeah.
God, I hate it when guys just want to talk and talk after sex.
Sorry.
Weird situation.
Here you go.
(CLEARING THROAT) -Wouldn't drink out of that if I were you.
-Why not? All clear.
Just a little something for you to remember me by.
(CROWD CHEERING) MAN: One more! One more! MAN 2: This way, lads! I'm guessing that you're relatively new to this game, so you don't fully understand the rules as yet.
So let me start with rule one.
You see that line beneath our feet? What line? The line that you never cross again because when a guest crosses that line, he's ours.
We carry his bags.
We take his tips.
Is that clear? Off you go.
Mr Matthews.
-Mr Matthews, sir.
-Yes, sorry.
-This came for you.
-Oh, thank you.
Miles away.
(PAGER BEEPING) (WOMAN SCREAMING) I was on the next floor up, and I heard the screams.
I thought you were supposed to get some privacy in these goddamn places.
I hope this is good enough to get me out of a Pilates class, Charlie.
-Good God, what happened to her? -One of the guests attacked her.
Which guest? -Was anything broken? -Maybe her jaw.
No, I mean fixtures and fittings.
Do we have a viable insurance claim? (SPEAKING SERBO-CROATIAN) Do we need a translator for this? My Serbo-Croat isn't very strong.
-English.
-I do nothing.
She attack me.
Okay, from the beginning.
I go in to turn down beds.
I knock first.
No talk back.
I walk in on the bathroom.
She, bitch, is powdering lots into her face.
Powdering her face? You mean applying make-up? No, the powder.
Like a vacuum cleaner.
Silly cow drop it everywhere.
Then she go Vin Diesel on me.
Thank you, Tanya.
I think we just about understand.
(GRUMBLING IN SERBO-CROATIAN) How would you handle this, Charlie? What would you do in my position? I'd attempt to find the band alternative accommodation at another hotel.
Everybody knows they're not spending any money.
No other hotel in London will touch them with a stick.
Then I'd ask them to leave.
Tempting, but the answer I was looking for is this.
We put an extra £50 in Tanya's wage packet, and we say no more about the incident.
Sorry (SIGHING) But is that one of the perks of being the manager, Rebecca? You get to shit on your own staff.
You know how I said I wanted someone who can stand up to me? This isn't the time.
In your interview yesterday, you said the role of deputy manager is to look after the guests.
-That's right.
-No, that's wrong.
I already employ hundreds of people to do that.
Waiters, porters, receptionists.
In management, your number one responsibility is to maximise profit and protect the interests of the hotel.
This is a business.
If you don't understand that, maybe you're not the right person for the job.
-She's not up there.
-Then I'll wait for her.
Or you can go back home and try again in the morning.
No one attacks one of my girls and gets away with it.
Jackie, you'll lose your job.
You might be scared of Rebecca, but I'm not.
You've got a child to support.
How do you know that? Chambermaids will tell you anything for the price of a stamp.
I also know you're 27, you rent a two-bedroom flat in Highgate and you've got a fantastic arse.
If you want to nail her, I'll help you, but there's a much better way of doing it than beating her up.
I could slam a door on her hand.
Accidents happen.
If she orders a drink, I'll piss in it.
You have my word on that.
Right, 8:00 on a Friday night, where can we find every model, boy band, D-list celebrity, -every ligger in town? -How far down the barrel do you want to go? Sediment.
Let's put out the word that the Junk Dogs, they're throwing an after-show party -in their suite and everybody is invited.
-Dave, I want you to get on to maintenance.
Pictures, vases, anything that's expensive and breakable, move it on up to the 7th floor.
-What are you up to? -Well, it's like you said.
If they ain't going to spend the money, we'll spend it for them.
How's it going? The Savoy is sending over another 50 bottles of Krug.
-Excellent.
Charge it all to the Olympia suite.
-One question, Charlie.
-Yeah? -What size shoes are you? -Nine.
Why? -When Rebecca kills you, can I have them? (KNOCKING AT DOOR) -What What -Good evening, Miss Bailey.
I've taken the liberty of organising a seafood platter just in case any of the band were hungry.
-Can I offer you gentlemen a spot of caviar? -We didn't order any of this.
Oh, there's no harm in celebrating the end of a very successful tour is there? And you can take that lot away for a start.
Oh, the drinks, madam, they're not for the band.
-They're for the guests.
-What guests? Well, you can't have a party without guests, now, can you? (IPREDICTA RIOTBY KAISER CHIEFS PLAYING ON STEREO) Wonderful! If you need anything else, I'll be on reception.
-I want you to put a stop to this right now! -Oh, I'm afraid I can't do that, madam.
I'm in charge of their budget, and we're not paying for any of that stuff.
Hey, man, can you send up some more of this caviar? -Right away, sir.
-And some more smokes, another dozen or so.
No problem.
Of course, these items have now been ordered through reception, so I will have to charge you.
-This is a con! -A con? Madam, we have emptied this entire floor for you.
We've sent regular paying guests to other hotels in the area in order to accommodate you.
I have personally tipped off the paparazzi, the screaming fans to give you your big warm welcome, and how do you repay us? By beating the crap out of a woman who clears up your shit for the minimum wage.
-And I'm supposed to feel sorry for her? -No, you're supposed to let her do her job.
Now, if I were you, I'd go back into the suite, enjoy a couple glasses of Bollinger, try some caviar.
Let's face it, anything that comes out of a 100-year-old fish must taste pretty special.
And I'd smoke a lovely Trinidad Diplomatic cigar.
And I wouldn't even think about complaining.
(COUGHING) (TUTTING) We're not paying for any damage.
I'm sorry, Rebecca.
I just needed five minutes.
I don't know what you did last night, and I probably don't want to know, do I? -Did they cause a lot of damage? -Let me put it this way.
They're the first rock band I've ever known to throw television sets in through the windows.
I appreciate the effort that went into that originality.
-Go home and get a shower.
-I'm on the next rota this morning.
And after you've rested, go and see this very good friend of mine and get fitted for a new suit.
Savile Row, I can't afford Perk number one, the owner of the shop is a regular in our restaurant.
He never books.
He always expects a table.
We scratch his back.
He scratches ours.
Welcome to hotel management, Charlie.
As of this moment, I'm going to be making your life hell.
-What are you doing here? -Oh, Rebecca called me first thing this morning and offered me your old head of reception job, which is better than nothing right now.
Plus it means I don't have to do all the demeaning donkey work that the deputy manager gets lumbered with.
I'm looking forward to working with you again, Anna.
That's sweet.
Me, too.
Reception.
Yes, breakfast is served until 10:00.
Mmm-hmm.
We have continental, full English and a fruit medley.
Okay.
(CHARLIE SIGHING) (GROANING) -Morning, Mr Matthews.
-Morning.
You're very popular with the staff, sir.
We do like generous guests.
-Oh, thank you.
-But I don't think you are who you say you are, and guests like you never stick around to pay the final bill.
How dare you? I want to speak to the manager.
Sir, I'm pretty sleep-deprived at the moment but still in a good mood, so I'm gonna give you a head start.
In five minutes' time, I'm gonna call one of my colleagues on reception, and I'm gonna ask her to run a check on your credit card, and if it turns out that you're not the real Mr Matthews, she'll be informing the police.
Whatever you wish to do with this information is, of course, entirely up to you.
Fair game, mate.
My briefcase.
You put it in the hotel safe.
Hmm.
I don't recall there being a briefcase, sir.
Right.
(SIGHING) Mr Matthews, I can highly recommend the Burlington at this time of year.
They're often kind enough to direct guests our way.
Nina, are you okay? CHARLIE: A good hotel is more than just a bed for the night.
When you walk through these doors, you can be anyone you want.
The important businessman, the honeymooner, the romantic husband, the adulterer, the celebrity.
Thanks for the party, man.
It was just what we needed.
Our pleasure, sir.
Or maybe you just need somewhere to hide for a while.
-Bird shit on your back, Derek.
-Flying rodent scum.
(CAR HONKING) I was sure I knew you from somewhere.
I don't know who you've mistaken me for, sir, but I'm not that person.
Charlie Edwards, yeah? I knew it would come to me.
Good to see you're doing all right for yourself, Charlie.
I'll be seeing you.
Prostitutes.
Can we keep a closer eye on them in future, please? Well, I've already called one guest a hooker today.
I don't intend to make the same mistake twice.
I'm a musician.
I write songs.
See if we can keep Mr Machin alive until checking out time tomorrow.
This new receptionist.
Where does she have a tattoo and what is it of? What's with the leather-faced people? -Out.
-What is with the hostility? How did you manage to spend £2,000 on room service? When his dodgy little heart finally gives out, I'm coming back to see you.
Maybe you're on a business trip.
Maybe you missed the last train or the last flight.
Thanks.
Maybe you're getting married.
Maybe you had a row with your wife or husband and they kicked you out.
Chances are you might end up somewhere like this.
Just sign there.
-£863? For two nights? -Sir, the bill is fully itemised.
Room charge, restaurant, bar, telephone, dry cleaning.
How can you justify charging these prices? This is extortion.
Okay, it's gonna cost you an arm and a leg, and if this is your first visit, it may come as a bit of a shock, but what are you gonna get for your money? The best view.
The best service.
The finest ingredients.
The utmost discretion.
But that's not the whole picture.
What you're really paying for is the opportunity to live out your wildest, darkest, craziest fantasies.
To be, for maybe just a night or two, the person you really want to be.
I'm not paying it.
Mr Austin, glad I caught you.
Mrs Austin left some personal items in the room.
Perhaps on your next visit, Mrs Austin can enjoy some complimentary sessions in our health and beauty spa.
Whatever or whoever you want to be Thank you.
we'll look after you.
What would you say your responsibilities would be if I gave you the job? I'd say my number one responsibility as deputy manager would be to the guests, to ensure they have an enjoyable and relaxing stay.
My job is to serve them, no matter how absurd, bizarre or perverse their requirements may be.
(PAGER BEEPING) Oh, God.
Sorry.
Do you mind? I think I have all the necessary skills.
I'm organised, ambitious, and I just think the job will be more personally rewarding than working on reception.
-You said "think" twice.
-Is that a bad thing? Try using "believe", as in, "I believe your account is overdue, Mrs Akiko.
" Puts a more positive spin on things.
Let me see.
Did we find the finger? Okay, get him to a hospital.
(PAGER BEEPING) You have all the attributes of a good receptionist.
You're polite, handsome, flirtatious -and yet strangely asexual.
-Thank you.
So why would I want to lose my best receptionist and gain an inexperienced deputy manager? Come on, out! The honesty bar is for guests, not for the homeless.
Every bloody morning he's here.
Maybe I put some ice down his back, eh? I'll handle this.
Thank you, Gino.
Darling, it's gone 9:00.
Time to go to work.
Dinner will be on the table when you get home.
Come on, out.
Imagine your worst day, a day when everything goes wrong and everyone blames you.
Then multiply that by 10.
That is an average day in the life of a hotel manager.
Doesn't put me off.
I want to progress.
One day I want your job.
In another five star hotel, obviously.
Don't tell me, it's always been your boyhood dream.
Well, no, what kid grows up dreaming about running a hotel? -I did.
What's in the box, Tony? -Mr Kendal, 302, requested female company.
I offered him a female escort.
He asked for something a little bit different.
If you'll excuse me, I have to go and source a foot pump.
Any questions? Just one.
If a job in management is as bad as you say it is, then why do you do it? I never said the job was bad.
I said it was long hours and hard work.
-There are also a lot of perks.
-Like? Like, if you ever get the job, you'll discover for yourself.
My last three deputies all quit within six months.
None of them were tough enough to stand up to me.
Are you? I I believe so.
Good interview, Charlie.
I'll be making my decision after the weekend.
The Saudi gentleman, Sheik? Sheik Ahmed Bin Marmet.
He's been waiting around all morning, wanted to thank you personally for your understanding.
The question you've got to ask yourself is, is the job really worth all the arse-kissing that goes with it? It's the best job in the world.
It is.
You get rich, beautiful guests making passes at you.
You're surrounded by the best of everything, and on top of that, the tips are great.
-Yeah, the tips are good.
-And for a manager, they're excellent.
-Mr Mr Geffen.
-Texas Geffen.
Came here a couple of weeks ago.
He lent Rebecca the keys to his villa in Barbados as a thank you.
Well, if she wants someone to carry her bags The real reason why I want this job so badly, one day, I want to be able to come into a place like this, as a guest, rent the biggest suite, order anything day in and day out, and money just not be an object.
-Never gonna happen.
-Exactly.
So surely, the next best thing is being in charge of a place like this, and if I have to kiss a little bit of arse, thenI'll happily pucker up.
-Do you think she'll give you the job? -No idea.
Don't suppose it'll improve your chances if you're three minutes late for her morning meeting? Oh, shit.
You coming? No, I'm not the one looking for a promotion, sunshine.
Pucker up.
-Sorry I'm late, Rebecca.
-Don't make a habit of it, Charlie.
-Anything juicy in last night's log? -Relatively quiet night until Mrs Salcombe in room 706 opened her mini-bar and discovered this.
A chocolate bar.
Open it and see.
You can imagine her disappointment.
Good God, this must have taken someone hours.
-Sorry I'm late, Rebecca.
-Don't worry about it, Tony.
-How much do we charge for this bar? -£1.
Arrange for a complimentary basket of chocolates to be sent up to Mrs Salcombe with our apologies.
Then find out who occupied room 706 before her.
Are we sure this was not done by a chambermaid? -They eat all bloody day.
-My girls don't steal.
Why is a guest perfectly happy shelling out £200 a night for a room, but they won't pay for a bar of chocolate? Well, their expenses don't cover the mini-bar.
They can't claim it back.
-Oh, please.
-Okay, listen up.
The duty manager at the Burlington has been on the phone, wants to know -if we can accommodate the Junk Dogs.
-The what? They're not a what, they're a who.
The Junk Dogs are an American rock outfit, three nights into a five-night gig at Wembley Arena.
-What do we know about them? -Bass player is a convicted arsonist, burnt down the Aristotle in Denver a couple of years ago.
-Heavy drinkers? -Rock-and-rollers, Gino.
-They'll clear your bar out in about two hours.
-JACKIE: Sound like trouble.
I'm expecting a 1796 Napoleon cognac in today.
I can sell it for £600 a shot.
Mark it up as 750.
I'll get back to the Burlington, tell them we'd be delighted to welcome the -Junk Dogs.
-The Junk Dogs.
Rock and roll, everybody! Excuse me, Rebecca.
It's only a small point, but we're already booked 120%.
We currently don't have any room for them.
I'm sure we can squeeze them in somewhere, can't we, Charlie? CHARLIE: Rockstars love hotels, and we love having them to stay.
Parties in the suite, round-the-clock room service, champagne Jacuzzis, groupies by the bus load.
The rich, the famous and the notorious, they are our lifeline, and we never, ever turn them away.
Apologies for the inconvenience, ladies and gentlemen, but due to an electrical fault, we have to clear the floor.
We do, of course, only have your safety and comfort in mind.
Reception will be happy to give you new rooms or alternative accommodation at a nearby hotel.
-How are we doing? -Just clearing the floor now.
Find Jackie.
Get housekeeping to sweep through.
Why do they need the entire floor to themselves? Security reasons.
All celebrities are cowards.
Oh, Charlie, I'll be giving your page and mobile numbers to the band.
Anything they want, any time of day, they can call you.
-Me? -You want to progress to management, -here's an opportunity to prove yourself.
-You can count on me, Rebecca.
Build up a rapport with them.
Make them feel comfortable, relaxed and special.
-Get them into the bar as soon as they arrive? -Exactly.
Oh, I do hope they refrain from urinating.
I hate it when guests urinate on our property.
(CLEARING THROAT) Oh.
Hi.
We're just emptying the 7th floor.
You got any chambermaids free? I'll see what I can do.
Was there anything else you wanted from me? We've got a problem with 706.
Right.
MAN: Oh, yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! (KNOCKING ON DOOR) I got reception to phone the room, but there was no answer.
(WOMAN MOANING) MAN: Wait a minute.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
-Can't we just let ourselves in? -That is the biggest no-no of the job.
You never, under any circumstances, let yourself into an occupied room.
-Right.
Guest's privacy.
-Actually, no, it's for your own safety.
So how are we gonna get them out? Morning, men.
Can I interest you in a lovely piece of fine cheese? (MAN AND WOMAN MOANING) This never happened.
Yeah! So how long do we wait? (WOMAN SCREAMING) MAN: What the (BANGING) That didn't sound very good.
This is a thoroughly regrettable incident, and we will, of course, take care of your expenses at the Chesterton, and please allow us to provide you with a limousine service to the airport tomorrow.
Begin your honeymoon in style with our compliments.
Apologies for the disruption, madam, but we have found you accommodation at another hotel in the area.
-I'm just preparing your final bill now.
-Preparing the bill for you now.
(SIGHING) -Charlie, can I take a break soon? -We're kind of busy.
I know, but I want to freshen up before the band get here.
Ben, these are hard-drinking American rock stars.
They're not gonna fall in love with you.
Sometimes you can be so cruel.
It's for tonight, if that's not too much of an imposition.
I'll look into that for you, sir, of course.
Have you noticed anything odd about Rebecca today? -No.
-It's Friday, -and she's wearing the black Armani two-piece.
-So? The black Armani two-piece she wears on Thursdays.
It's the same suit that she wore yesterday.
I thought you had to be gay to notice things like that.
No, observation is 90% of the concierge's job.
When a woman like Rebecca wears the same clothes two days running, something isn't right.
I want a receipt.
Thank you.
-I'd like to check in.
-Certainly, madam.
The name? The Junk Dogs.
Ah, we've been looking forward to your arrival.
Will the musicians be checking in themselves? They're doing a sound check.
I'll take care of the paperwork.
Okay.
All right, just need a couple of signatures here and here.
Can I just say, madam, that it's an honour to have the Junk Dogs stay here? I am an enormous fan of their music.
I'll pass that message on to them.
They'll be thrilled.
They've been working very hard to reach the gay-black demographic.
It is good to see their efforts haven't been in vain.
It's just like flushing a toilet on an aeroplane.
Vacuum drainage system.
Good for the guests, good for the environment.
Ah, this very powerful shower can comfortably accommodate two to three people if that's your thing.
-What do you care what my thing is? -Your thing is none of my business, madam.
Are you flirting with me? -No, Miss Bailey, I'm trying to suggest -To what? Insinuate that I like group showers? What next? Are you gonna show up at my door tonight with a bar of soap? Morning, my apologies for not meeting you at reception.
Rebecca Mitchell, General Manager.
Nina Bailey.
I'm looking after the band through their European leg of the tour.
I hope that my head receptionist has shown you around one of the best suites in our hotel.
Right down to flushing the john.
Then I trust that everything's to your satisfaction? -Yes, thank you.
-The temperature? The layout? -It's all okay.
-The view? The curtains? We have the same style of curtains but in blue, if that would be more calming.
I don't want you to change anything.
Very well, madam.
If you do need us for anything at all -Oh, actually, there was something.
-Madam? Maybe I wasn't looking hard enough, but I can't remember seeing a welcome basket.
Welcome basket? Fruit, pâté, olives.
The Burlington were kind enough to provide one free of charge.
-Why wasn't there a welcome basket in the room? -I assumed housekeeping would do it.
First rule of hotel management, never assume anything.
If you're not doing it yourself, you can take it for granted that it's not getting done.
-Question, why do hotels love celebrities? -Because they spend lots of money.
And? Publicity.
When the rich and the famous get drunk and behave badly, they do it under our roof.
Any tabloid article that mentions these American rock stars -must mention the hotel they're staying at.
-Got it.
If you're not up for this, Charlie, then tell me now.
-I'm up for it.
-I put my trust in you.
Don't let me down.
Jackie's been on the phone.
She wants a room inspection on 404.
Ten minutes.
-Any paparazzi turned up yet? -Not yet.
What time did you call them and tip them off? All right, leave it to me.
-Cheers, mate.
I owe you.
-If you get the deputy manager's job, you'll pay.
Can I help you inside with those bags, Mr Matthews? I'm helping Mr Matthews now.
Can I help you to the lifts with the bags, Mr Matthews, sir? -Ah, very kind of you.
Thank you, Peter.
-All part of the service.
What's she doing here? Cute.
Who is she? -Anna, lovely to meet you.
-Hello.
-Would you like to come this way to my office? -Brilliant.
Thank you.
Anna Thornton-Wilton.
She's the head receptionist at the Chesterton.
Well, if she's arriving through the front doors, then she's either a guest or she's here for a job interview.
I'm gonna go and do that room inspection.
-You wanted a room inspection? -Yes, please.
Okay.
That's all fine.
-Looks okay to me.
-Me, too.
Right.
(CHANTING) We want the Junk Dogs! We want the Junk Dogs! We want the Junk Dogs! We want the Junk Dogs! -What time are they getting here? -Post gig.
Should be around midnight.
I've also arranged another little welcome surprise for them.
Excellent.
Is it my imagination, or are there more bell boys on tonight? When the celebrity circus is in town, everyone wants to work.
Excuse me.
Absolutely, madam, that's all organised for you.
Rebecca, there's something you need to see.
Okay, thanks very much.
I didn't know it was your car until I ran a check on the number plate.
No one saw or heard anything, but I've got Mustafa running off the CCTV tape right now.
Forget it.
It's probably just kids.
Why don't we just keep this between ourselves for now? We don't want guests thinking their cars are at risk.
As you wish.
I've got a nephew who works in a garage.
He might be able to sort you out a decent rate.
-Thanks, Derek.
-Leave it with me, boss.
Good evening, Mrs Rautenan, Tony from the concierge desk.
Very well, thank you.
Yourself? Just a courtesy call to let you know that your theatre tickets have arrived.
I'll get them sent up to you, madam.
Come in.
-Your tickets, madam.
-Thank you, could you put them there for me? Will there be anything else? My hands are busy.
I'd love a chocolate.
I don't suppose you could Absolutely.
This one? Yes, that's fine.
Mmm.
-Thank you.
-All part of the service, madam.
-Have a pleasant evening.
-Yeah, thank you.
-Not even a towel over her private areas? -Nothing.
You're the luckiest son of a bitch I ever met.
Why does nothing like this ever happen for me, eh? Because you make your own luck in this world, Gino.
-Who is it, please? -Room service.
-Complimentary drinks from the bar, madam.
-One moment.
Come on in.
My wife is dressing for the theatre, but please put the drinks on the table.
Cambiare.
A coin has rolled under the bed, I'm afraid.
If I lift the corner, could you crawl underneath me to retrieve it? -Car trouble.
I need a room for the night.
-I'm afraid we're full.
-Charlie, this is me you're talking to.
-No, seriously, what with the band and -Oh.
-I can phone round, -see if there's any vacancies.
-What, and give money to the competition? Was that Anna Thornton-Wilton that I saw in the lobby earlier? She came in for the deputy manager position.
Her CV is very impressive.
I'm sure she's very good, considering the short amount of experience that she's had.
Of course, you have an advantage over her, -don't you, Charlie? -I do? You have a chance to prove yourself in front of me.
For example, by ensuring that our bar is sufficiently stocked -for the arrival of our rock stars.
-Funnily enough, I was just about to do that.
Thank you.
What a day! Flight delayed by three hours.
They misplace my luggage, and then I get a cab driver who decides to take the scenic route.
I tell you, today cannot get any worse.
You have a room for me.
The name's Pullins.
Mr Pullins.
Unfortunately, sir, we've had some electrical problems this afternoon.
(CLAMOURING) (WOMEN SCREAMING) We're all very excited about having you here.
The restaurant's open for another hour, and the bar's at your disposal all night.
(ROCK MUSIC BLARING ON TV) If you gentlemen need anything, day or night, then please Switch that thing off! We had some problems with porn channels in Germany.
Can you believe the hotel tried charging us treble their standard rate? A mistake like that would never happen here, Miss Bailey.
I've stayed in enough of these air-conditioned hell holes to know how they work.
Biggest money-spinning operation I've ever come across.
We aim to provide a good service.
This suite alone is costing the record company £3,500 a night.
How much do you think it's costing the hotel to turn it around? I couldn't possibly put a price on it, madam.
Let's see, shall we? Heating, lighting, washing the sheets and towels, labour charge of a cleaner £10 a day? That's quite a mark-up.
Then you've got the balls to stick a couple of chocolates on the pillows and call them complimentary! Hello.
Something to do with you? I took the liberty of organising a little entertainment for our rock stars, yeah.
I don't think they're gonna be needed tonight.
Why not? Somebody reinvent the wheel? Rock stars love hookers.
Are you coming to Samantha's for a drink tonight? I can't.
I've got to stick around just in case the band needs something.
-You're working a double shift? -Treble.
I'm on rota first thing in the morning.
Well, that takes arse-kissing to a whole new dimension.
I really want this job.
Well, if it means anything to you, everyone I've spoken to -wants you to get it.
-Really? Yeah, we don't want some hard-arse barking orders at us all day.
-Um People think I'm soft? -No, they think you're nice.
Which means soft.
Well, I'll tell you what, if I do get this job, I'm gonna be a right bastard to everyone.
And you, my friend, are the first on the list.
That's right, ladies, keep walking.
Back to the filthy London gutters you just crawled out of.
Do I have to be polite to this woman for another 36 hours? Well, if you really wanted to be rude to people, you should've trained to be a chef.
-See you tomorrow.
-Ta-ra.
CHARLIE: It's funny how busy these places get when there's a whiff of celebrity in the air.
Everyone wants to see the room where the actress hung herself or the pop star dangled a baby off the balcony.
But you're never the same again after you've worked a nightshift in a hotel.
How many times have I told you? Four times I called! -Hello.
-Mr Sturridge? -Yes.
-It's Rebecca Mitchell.
-Oh, hello.
How are you? -Very well, thank you.
You mentioned on your last visit that if I ever needed a favour I should call you.
Three mentions of the band, but not one mention of the hotel they're staying at.
-New dress, Rebecca? -Oh, thank you for noticing, Tony.
If you don't mind me saying so, Charlie, you don't appear to be very fresh.
(PHONE RINGING) Good morning, reception.
One moment, madam.
(PHONE RINGING) -Concierge desk.
-Tony, damsel in distress.
Put her through.
Good morning, madam, my name's Tony.
How can I help you today? Yeah, I can take care of that for you.
Go see my chemist mate round the corner.
Pick up a morning-after pill.
(PHONE RINGING) Better make it a couple of packs.
Three peppermint teas and a ginger cake.
What about the fights, the fire, the sofa through the windows, the dead hookers in the bathtub? Aren't we supposed to be under siege by a rock band? I stopped in at the Burlington last night on my way home.
-Spoke to the concierge on duty.
-And? They had the same problem.
Looks like the Junk Dogs have quit the booze, which is why those bastards bumped them onto us.
We emptied an entire floor for these people.
I'm sorry, but am I the only one who believes they have a responsibility to spend an obscene amount of money here? I don't think it's the band.
I think it's the PA.
You bring her down to me.
Three martinis, she want everyone for fun.
the language is a barrier, isn't that right, Gino? -I speak English as well as you.
-All the right words, all the wrong emphasis.
Okay, that's enough.
Let's turn a negative into a positive.
Any ideas? Don't look at me.
If those pussies are not drinking -They're gonna have to eat, eventually.
-Good thinking, Charlie.
Actually, I've got a new caviar supplier due in today.
I could ask if he has any Almas.
-14,000 a kilo.
-And they can smoke.
I have some Trinidad Diplomatics in the humidor.
-£500 each.
-For a cigar? No disrespect, my darling, but women do not understand cigars.
Tell me, Gino, is it really as complicated as drying leaves? These beauties were handed out by Castro in person.
I have a half-smoked butt from the man himself that is yours for £5,000, eh? Now we're talking! -Mr Matthews, how are you today? -I'm very well, thank you.
I have a case full of Kuwaiti dinars.
I wondered if you'd be a poppet and stick it in the hotel safe.
-Certainly, sir.
-Don't trust the safes in the room.
Too flimsy.
Charlie, could you put this in the safe for Mr Matthews? -Right away.
-Sir.
-Thank you, Charlie.
-Thank you, Mr Matthews.
Car's waiting for you out front, sir, a bottle of bubbly in the chiller.
Let's shop! -The guy driving Mr Matthews -New kid.
Well, let's keep him out of the lobby in future.
Rebecca won't be happy seeing him touting.
-We'll have a discreet word with the lad.
-Cheers, Derek.
(PAPARAZZI CLAMOURING) Ah! -Hi, Charlie.
-Hi, Anna.
How are things at the Chesterton? Oh, I quit last week.
Wasn't getting the opportunities that I deserve.
Which is why you've come here for the deputy manager post? Uh-huh, yeah, Rebecca called me back for my second interview this morning.
-So looks promising.
-Wow, that's wonderful.
Wouldn't that be cool, us two working together again, only me as your boss? -How cool would that be? -Yeah.
And I don't know about you, but I totally wouldn't feel uncomfortable -about that sex that we had.
-Me, neither.
See, as a career woman, I think it's okay to have sex with a man in a lower-ranking position.
It's only demeaning when it's the other way round.
Wouldn't you say so? -Hi, Anna.
-Oh, Rebecca.
Wow, great dress.
Thank you.
Little secret, it was off the peg.
Oh, you see, on most of us that would hang like a rag.
Come on through to the restaurant.
Let's have a cup of tea and a gossip before we talk shop.
Okay, see you again, Charlie.
Oh, Charlie, I haven't heard if our rock stars have made a reservation for lunch yet.
I'm not sure of their movements.
See, at the Chesterton, I had this system of suggesting that guests book early for lunch.
It sort of plants the idea in their head.
-Sorry, that was rude of me to interrupt.
-No, not at all.
See, Charlie, sometimes guests just need a little encouragement.
-Come through.
-Ciao, Charlie.
Ciao, Anna.
One Hawaiian and two vegetarian, £15.
Thank you.
How do you get people to spend money when they don't want to? Simple.
You spend it for them.
-No way Rebecca's gonna give me this job.
-So what, you're just gonna give up? Well, I may as well if I can't even get a rock band drunk.
Where's your fighting spirit? You said you wanted this job.
I mean, it's your career ambition.
Yeah, you said to me yesterday it wasn't worth the arse-kissing.
Yeah, well, that was yesterday.
Today I've got money riding on it.
Derek the doorman took a £10 bet.
-What are my odds? -50-50.
It's between you and the goddess who breezed through the lobby earlier.
-Anna? -Hmm.
-She ain't all that.
-Oh, yeah? Which bits were you looking at? She's not my type.
That reminds me, I need to keep an eye on housekeeping.
-You wanted a room inspection? -Yes, please.
-All good.
-Thank you.
-Was there anything else? -Did you have something in mind? -You okay? -Mmm-hmm.
-You sure? -Yeah.
God, I hate it when guys just want to talk and talk after sex.
Sorry.
Weird situation.
Here you go.
(CLEARING THROAT) -Wouldn't drink out of that if I were you.
-Why not? All clear.
Just a little something for you to remember me by.
(CROWD CHEERING) MAN: One more! One more! MAN 2: This way, lads! I'm guessing that you're relatively new to this game, so you don't fully understand the rules as yet.
So let me start with rule one.
You see that line beneath our feet? What line? The line that you never cross again because when a guest crosses that line, he's ours.
We carry his bags.
We take his tips.
Is that clear? Off you go.
Mr Matthews.
-Mr Matthews, sir.
-Yes, sorry.
-This came for you.
-Oh, thank you.
Miles away.
(PAGER BEEPING) (WOMAN SCREAMING) I was on the next floor up, and I heard the screams.
I thought you were supposed to get some privacy in these goddamn places.
I hope this is good enough to get me out of a Pilates class, Charlie.
-Good God, what happened to her? -One of the guests attacked her.
Which guest? -Was anything broken? -Maybe her jaw.
No, I mean fixtures and fittings.
Do we have a viable insurance claim? (SPEAKING SERBO-CROATIAN) Do we need a translator for this? My Serbo-Croat isn't very strong.
-English.
-I do nothing.
She attack me.
Okay, from the beginning.
I go in to turn down beds.
I knock first.
No talk back.
I walk in on the bathroom.
She, bitch, is powdering lots into her face.
Powdering her face? You mean applying make-up? No, the powder.
Like a vacuum cleaner.
Silly cow drop it everywhere.
Then she go Vin Diesel on me.
Thank you, Tanya.
I think we just about understand.
(GRUMBLING IN SERBO-CROATIAN) How would you handle this, Charlie? What would you do in my position? I'd attempt to find the band alternative accommodation at another hotel.
Everybody knows they're not spending any money.
No other hotel in London will touch them with a stick.
Then I'd ask them to leave.
Tempting, but the answer I was looking for is this.
We put an extra £50 in Tanya's wage packet, and we say no more about the incident.
Sorry (SIGHING) But is that one of the perks of being the manager, Rebecca? You get to shit on your own staff.
You know how I said I wanted someone who can stand up to me? This isn't the time.
In your interview yesterday, you said the role of deputy manager is to look after the guests.
-That's right.
-No, that's wrong.
I already employ hundreds of people to do that.
Waiters, porters, receptionists.
In management, your number one responsibility is to maximise profit and protect the interests of the hotel.
This is a business.
If you don't understand that, maybe you're not the right person for the job.
-She's not up there.
-Then I'll wait for her.
Or you can go back home and try again in the morning.
No one attacks one of my girls and gets away with it.
Jackie, you'll lose your job.
You might be scared of Rebecca, but I'm not.
You've got a child to support.
How do you know that? Chambermaids will tell you anything for the price of a stamp.
I also know you're 27, you rent a two-bedroom flat in Highgate and you've got a fantastic arse.
If you want to nail her, I'll help you, but there's a much better way of doing it than beating her up.
I could slam a door on her hand.
Accidents happen.
If she orders a drink, I'll piss in it.
You have my word on that.
Right, 8:00 on a Friday night, where can we find every model, boy band, D-list celebrity, -every ligger in town? -How far down the barrel do you want to go? Sediment.
Let's put out the word that the Junk Dogs, they're throwing an after-show party -in their suite and everybody is invited.
-Dave, I want you to get on to maintenance.
Pictures, vases, anything that's expensive and breakable, move it on up to the 7th floor.
-What are you up to? -Well, it's like you said.
If they ain't going to spend the money, we'll spend it for them.
How's it going? The Savoy is sending over another 50 bottles of Krug.
-Excellent.
Charge it all to the Olympia suite.
-One question, Charlie.
-Yeah? -What size shoes are you? -Nine.
Why? -When Rebecca kills you, can I have them? (KNOCKING AT DOOR) -What What -Good evening, Miss Bailey.
I've taken the liberty of organising a seafood platter just in case any of the band were hungry.
-Can I offer you gentlemen a spot of caviar? -We didn't order any of this.
Oh, there's no harm in celebrating the end of a very successful tour is there? And you can take that lot away for a start.
Oh, the drinks, madam, they're not for the band.
-They're for the guests.
-What guests? Well, you can't have a party without guests, now, can you? (IPREDICTA RIOTBY KAISER CHIEFS PLAYING ON STEREO) Wonderful! If you need anything else, I'll be on reception.
-I want you to put a stop to this right now! -Oh, I'm afraid I can't do that, madam.
I'm in charge of their budget, and we're not paying for any of that stuff.
Hey, man, can you send up some more of this caviar? -Right away, sir.
-And some more smokes, another dozen or so.
No problem.
Of course, these items have now been ordered through reception, so I will have to charge you.
-This is a con! -A con? Madam, we have emptied this entire floor for you.
We've sent regular paying guests to other hotels in the area in order to accommodate you.
I have personally tipped off the paparazzi, the screaming fans to give you your big warm welcome, and how do you repay us? By beating the crap out of a woman who clears up your shit for the minimum wage.
-And I'm supposed to feel sorry for her? -No, you're supposed to let her do her job.
Now, if I were you, I'd go back into the suite, enjoy a couple glasses of Bollinger, try some caviar.
Let's face it, anything that comes out of a 100-year-old fish must taste pretty special.
And I'd smoke a lovely Trinidad Diplomatic cigar.
And I wouldn't even think about complaining.
(COUGHING) (TUTTING) We're not paying for any damage.
I'm sorry, Rebecca.
I just needed five minutes.
I don't know what you did last night, and I probably don't want to know, do I? -Did they cause a lot of damage? -Let me put it this way.
They're the first rock band I've ever known to throw television sets in through the windows.
I appreciate the effort that went into that originality.
-Go home and get a shower.
-I'm on the next rota this morning.
And after you've rested, go and see this very good friend of mine and get fitted for a new suit.
Savile Row, I can't afford Perk number one, the owner of the shop is a regular in our restaurant.
He never books.
He always expects a table.
We scratch his back.
He scratches ours.
Welcome to hotel management, Charlie.
As of this moment, I'm going to be making your life hell.
-What are you doing here? -Oh, Rebecca called me first thing this morning and offered me your old head of reception job, which is better than nothing right now.
Plus it means I don't have to do all the demeaning donkey work that the deputy manager gets lumbered with.
I'm looking forward to working with you again, Anna.
That's sweet.
Me, too.
Reception.
Yes, breakfast is served until 10:00.
Mmm-hmm.
We have continental, full English and a fruit medley.
Okay.
(CHARLIE SIGHING) (GROANING) -Morning, Mr Matthews.
-Morning.
You're very popular with the staff, sir.
We do like generous guests.
-Oh, thank you.
-But I don't think you are who you say you are, and guests like you never stick around to pay the final bill.
How dare you? I want to speak to the manager.
Sir, I'm pretty sleep-deprived at the moment but still in a good mood, so I'm gonna give you a head start.
In five minutes' time, I'm gonna call one of my colleagues on reception, and I'm gonna ask her to run a check on your credit card, and if it turns out that you're not the real Mr Matthews, she'll be informing the police.
Whatever you wish to do with this information is, of course, entirely up to you.
Fair game, mate.
My briefcase.
You put it in the hotel safe.
Hmm.
I don't recall there being a briefcase, sir.
Right.
(SIGHING) Mr Matthews, I can highly recommend the Burlington at this time of year.
They're often kind enough to direct guests our way.
Nina, are you okay? CHARLIE: A good hotel is more than just a bed for the night.
When you walk through these doors, you can be anyone you want.
The important businessman, the honeymooner, the romantic husband, the adulterer, the celebrity.
Thanks for the party, man.
It was just what we needed.
Our pleasure, sir.
Or maybe you just need somewhere to hide for a while.
-Bird shit on your back, Derek.
-Flying rodent scum.
(CAR HONKING) I was sure I knew you from somewhere.
I don't know who you've mistaken me for, sir, but I'm not that person.
Charlie Edwards, yeah? I knew it would come to me.
Good to see you're doing all right for yourself, Charlie.
I'll be seeing you.
Prostitutes.
Can we keep a closer eye on them in future, please? Well, I've already called one guest a hooker today.
I don't intend to make the same mistake twice.
I'm a musician.
I write songs.
See if we can keep Mr Machin alive until checking out time tomorrow.
This new receptionist.
Where does she have a tattoo and what is it of? What's with the leather-faced people? -Out.
-What is with the hostility? How did you manage to spend £2,000 on room service? When his dodgy little heart finally gives out, I'm coming back to see you.