House, M.D. s01e17 Episode Script

And the only thing wrong-- The only thing wrong with the American dream is people-- too many people-- too many of us telling young people that the dream is dead.
They told me that when I was growing up in the slums of Trenton.
And they were wrong.
They told me that when I decided to run for senator, with only $58 in my savings account.
And they were wrong.
And they are still telling me that now-- that I don't have a chance because I'm black, because I don't have the right nose, because I still only have $58 in my savings account.
With your help, we can keep that dream alive.
And in closing, just let me say-- Let me say that you should all donate the legal maximum to the next president of the United States.
Are you okay? Do you need some water or something? No.
I'm fine.
I'm fine, really.
Handsome guy like you, I bet you get 70% of the women.
Well, here's hoping.
Ofcourse, it helps your wife died of cancer.
I mean, I'm sorry, but the sympathy vote's in your pocket.
Yeah, I appreciate your support.
Listen, Senator, my union has a hell of a war chest.
Um, I've always been strong on the union.
The thing is, you always go on in your speeches about the workers in Indonesia, Cambodia, Timbuktu.
Because I think we have a-- a moral-- My union members are hurting.
They don't care about moral this and moral that.
Are you all right? - Senator? - Ugh.
Hey! The guys are gonna love that.
Everyone, give him some room.
Give him room to breathe! Back off, please! Senator, are you all right? The senator's suffering from nausea, headache and mental confusion.
Ah, bad sushi is so hard to diagnose.
You're being childish.
Look, if his case is as trivial as you think, it'll take you three minutes to diagnose.
Uh-huh.
Three minutes that I could spend sitting on the toilet with the funny pages.
- You're mad at me.
- Nope.
I never liked Cameron or Foreman.
You know why I'm forcing you to fire one of them? Because you need to prove to me that you're a team player.
Now, if you did that, you wouldn't need to go through this exercise.
Fine.
I'll hold the senator's hair while he upchucks.
Oh, and, uh, by the way, I need you to give a speech at the National Cardiology Conference, um, next week.
I don't do speeches.
I'm shy.
Eastbrook Pharmaceuticals has developed a new ACE inhibitor.
I would like you to extol the virtues of this breakthrough medication.
Eastbrook Pharmaceuticals? Wait a second? Don't I own that company? Oh, no, that's right.
You do.
Viopril is a significant improvement over the old version.
It's all there in the study.
I know its price tag is significantly improved.
You can either give one 10-minute talk and one three-minute diagnosis, or you can fire one of your pets.
My understanding was that you believed in rationality above all else.
Viopril.
I appreciate your keeping the media away.
We're keeping your staff away as well.
Take it easy now.
- I'm in the middle of a campaign.
- The faster we can get you better, the faster you can get out of here.
Anyone else at the fund-raiser get sick? I don't think so, and I don't think that's it.
I've been under the weather for weeks.
Lots of traveling.
I'm supposed to be in the Sudan next week.
Oh! Helps me concentrate.
Even better than drugs.
Open your mouth, please.
Ahh.
That's quite a scar.
When I was six, I fell off the swing and bit my tongue.
Couldn't talk right for the longest time.
Lots of teasing.
It just made me fight harder, speak up for those who can't.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Tongues heal too fast.
Your political consultants have written you a nice story.
In a tight race, the lispers alone could put you over the top.
You a Republican, or you just hate all politicians? I just find being forced to sit through drivel annoying.
You find sincerity annoying? You're a black kid from the ghetto who made it to Yale Law and the United States Senate.
That's a sufficiently mythical story.
You don't need to lie about your tongue.
Must've missed it.
What's wrong? What is it? It's not the food.
It's your brain.
Get an M.
R.
I.
and a lumbar puncture.
Cancel your travel plans.
The senator's L.
P.
showed no sign of infection, and the M.
R.
I.
looks fairly clean.
I guess we can tell him he's fairly healthy and can go home.
Well, there is something in Broca's area, but it's small, low intensity.
Most likely just background noise.
Care to bet your job on that? What was that? What was what? You got annoyed.
That was clearly an annoyed face.
I get annoyed by glib remarks about our futures.
Last week you didn't get annoyed.
You made poopie in your pants.
It's weird.
It's almost like now you know you have nothing to worry about.
Chase has nothing to worry about? None of you has anything to worry about.
What happened? Vogler saw the error of his ways and repented.
The lesion could be nothing.
Also could be a brain tumor or an infection.
There's only one way to find out which.
You want to cut into his brain? Dangerous, I know.
Especially since he's a politician, his brain's all twisted.
But I weighed that against the risk of him stroking out before lunch.
Call Surgery.
Get it scheduled.
- You're not pregnant.
- Well, I told you that.
There's got to be some other reason I'm still spotting.
Sure.
You were pregnant.
Based on your hormone levels, you've had a miscarriage.
I haven't even been on a date.
Right.
And since it's physically impossible to have sex without someone buying you dinner-- I haven't had sex since I split up with my husband.
- That was almost a year ago.
- Fine.
Have it your way.
Immaculate conception.
- Um, what do I do? - Well, it's obvious.
Start a religion.
In my office.
Afternoon delight.
She just loves the hard wood.
You're not doing a brain biopsy based on a spot on an M.
R.
I.
Where'd you get that? Not on a United States senator.
Oh, just so I'm clear-- If he was a janitor, that would be okay? Do you have a list? A brain biopsy can cause permanent neurological damage.
Uh-huh.
Whereas tumors are really good for brains.
Make 'em grow big and strong.
- It's my call.
- No, it's not.
- You're pulling rank on patient care? - It's not my call either.
- It's up to you.
- Either it's a tumor or it's an infection that the lumbar puncture didn't pick up.
Either way, unless we treat it immediately, it could kill you.
Or it could be nothing.
Reading brain M.
R.
I.
's is not an exact science.
Well, what caused my s-symptoms? Wow! Excellent question.
Many doctors wouldn't have gone there.
It could be a transient ischemic attack.
You could make the argument for watching carefully for the time being.
Hmm, but you'd only make that argument if you were an administrator covering your ass.
That's absurd and insulting.
Insulting, yes.
What would the voters think? If they find out I've had a b-brain biopsy? This could leave you b-b-b-brain damaged, and you're worried about NASCAR dads? It's not a brain tumor.
It's not a bacterial infection either.
So you biopsied his brain for nothing? If that were true, would Dr.
Wilson's mouth be contorted into that ugly shape? It's toxoplasmosis.
You sure? Which means the Great Black Hope has full-blown AIDS.
They're gonna love that in Dubuque.
Toxoplasmosis is a fairly common fungus you can get from eating under-cooked meat or touching cat feces.
In rare cases, the fungi travel up the bloodstream and latch onto the brain, causing a lesion or inflammation.
So, what's the prognosis? Toxo usually responds to treatment, but it only causes a lesion in your brain if your immune system is extremely weak to begin with.
Senator, I'm afraid you have AIDS.
As I'm sure-- No! As I'm sure you know, people with H.
I.
V.
can live a long time.
- What else could do this to me? - Theoretically, certain cancers.
If you have toxo in your brain, you have AIDS.
I do not have AIDS.
I don't sh-- sh-- shoot up drugs.
I don't s-sleep with-- This is very bad news.
I get that, and I sympathize.
But we gotta speed through the denial phase because you need antiretrovirals and you need them fast.
But-- You haven't even tested me for H.
I.
V.
! - We will.
- But the toxo drugs are gonna piss off your fungi.
And when fungi get pissed-- I am not going to take the pills.
You're afraid word will leak out.
Trust me.
You're not gonna be president either way.
They don't call it the White House because of the paint job.
Here's what you're gonna do.
You're gonna give me the drugs for the toxo only.
You're going to test me for H.
I.
V.
, under a false name.
You are going to test me for cancer and anything else that could have done this to me.
If I have cancer, I will deal with it.
But I do not have AIDS.
"Eastbrook Pharmaceuticals are pleased to announce that Dr.
Gregory House will present the latest research on our exciting new ACE inhibitor".
You're making that up.
That's Vogler's company.
Press release.
"During an address at the North American Cardiology Conference".
- House never gives speeches.
- But when I really believe in something-- Gosh dang it, I got a chance to make a difference here.
You made a deal with Vogler? It's all the rage.
Everybody's doing it.
So, what's the deal? You get to keep all of us if you flog his products? One speech.
No biggie.
Foreman's doing a bone marrow biopsy to check for cancer.
Cancer? The senator's got AIDS.
Cancer sounds better in a press release.
I need you guys to rush the ELISA test for H.
I.
V.
Thank you.
For the speech.
When I said rush, I meant, you know, fast.
- "Stat's" the word you doctors use, right? - I know it's hard for you.
Double stat? This may sting a little.
Sorry.
It wasn't the shot.
It's, um-- My head's killing me.
Senator, we don't have to do this now.
We can hold off till your H.
I.
V.
test comes back.
Because you figure it's gonna come back positive.
In my experience-- Patients lie.
Politicians lie more.
Black politicians-- Oh.
I don't think black politicians lie more than white politicians.
- We lie less.
- You figure we're morally superior? I've got my theories.
No, we-- we just can't get away with it.
No one's gonna g-give us the benefit of the doubt.
No one's gonna cut us a second chance.
And when it happens, it's not just a-- a bad politician.
It's-- It's a bad role model.
It's a-- a dis-- discredit to the race.
You ready? Yeah.
Yeah.
Take a deep breath.
Dr.
House, I just wanted-- You're welcome again.
I want you to know how much-- Got it.
You're grateful.
Apparently you seem to think it will mean a lot to me to know that.
Do you know why people pray to God? I thought you didn't believe in God.
I don't.
Well, then you better be making a very good point.
Do you think they pray to him and praise him because they want him to know how great he is? God already knows that.
Are you comparing me to God? I mean, that's great, but just so you know, I've never made a tree.
I thank you because it means something to me to be grateful for what I receive.
You are the most naive atheist I've ever met.
Dr.
House, you have a patient in room one.
Thank God.
People pray so that God won't crush them like bugs.
I'm not gonna crush you.
"Petechial" bruising? I don't know if I pronounced that right.
Gosh, the Internet is such a wonderful tool.
It could be leukemia.
Definitely possible.
The more likely diagnosis is hickey.
Well, it can't be a hickey.
Why is everybody so ashamed of sex all of a sudden? I'm not having sex.
I've barely even thought about sex since my marriage.
Ow! I say you're having sex, you say you're not.
Either you're lying or I'm wrong.
- Or there's some middle ground.
- You mean, like, oral? I mean, you're having sex without knowing it.
I'm testing you for booze, drugs and G.
H.
B.
I don't drink or-- What's G.
H.
B.
? The date-rape drug.
It's positive.
Your "T" cell count is eight, which means there's a good chance you'll die.
I'm telling you this because we need to contact your sexual partners.
I've only had two girlfriends.
Two.
After my wife died.
I used c-condoms.
You know the chances of you getting H.
I.
V.
from heterosexual sex with a condom? Yes.
Someday there will be a black president.
Someday there will be a gay president.
Maybe there'll even be a gay, black president.
But one combination I do not see happening is gay, black and dead.
You need to stop lying to me.
It must be miserable, always assuming the worst in people.
Cut the crap.
You're dying.
And you're clever, you're witty and you are a coward.
You're scared of taking chances.
- I take chances all the time.
It's one of my worst qualities.
- On people? Wanting to believe the best about people doesn't make it true.
Being afraid to believe it doesn't make it false.
Well, that's very moving.
It's a shame I don't vote.
Hmm.
This is who I am.
I believe in people.
I'm not hiply cynical, and I don't make easy, snide remarks.
I would rather think that people are good and be disappointed once and again.
I need to draw some more blood.
Nurse! The antiretrovirals aren't working.
That's not surprising.
He's just gonna keep getting worse.
You realize that, right? Why are you spying on my case? Why are you giving that speech next week? We're both just doing what we have to do.
You don't see a problem with that? Checking in on a patient? Yeah, wow.
How do I look myself in the mirror? You're not the one being asked to perpetrate a fraud on the American people.
It's a 10-minute speech.
That I've been ordered to give.
Vogler's drug works.
Don't care.
Why do you have to make everything so dramatic? I'm a very high-strung little lap dog.
Uh-uh.
No pills.
What's going on? The antiretrovirals aren't working.
Why not? Because you don't have AIDS.
The first test was a false positive.
Happens one time in every 5,000.
You r-ran a second test? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
You're still dying.
The only difference is, now we don't know why.
He's continuing to lose control of the muscles on his right side.
- His brain is getting foggier, and his "T" cells are still in single digits.
- Why are we doing this here? So Cuddy can't find us.
Unless we figure out the underlying disease, this guy's lied to his last constituent.
- False negative on the P.
C.
R.
AIDS test? - Ran it twice.
- Immunoglobulin deficiency? - No history of respiratory problems.
Idiopathic "T" cell deficiency.
Idiopathic-- from the Latin meaning "we're idiots" 'cause we can't figure out what's causing it.
Give him a whole body scan.
- You hate whole body scans.
- 'Cause they're useless.
Could probably scan any one of us and find five different doodads that look like cancer.
But when you're fourth down and a hundred to go, in the snow, you don't call a running play up the middle, unless you're the Jets.
I hate sports metaphors.
Why did you order the second AIDS test? Standard procedure.
Oh, well, that's you-- Mr.
Standard Procedure.
You suspected the first test was a false positive? I knew he was going to Africa, and I figured he was vaccinated for Hep "A" and "B".
That could cause a false positive.
- You knew that before you ordered the first test.
What changed? - I should have ordered both.
You were sure he had AIDS.
Then you talked to him, then you had doubts.
What did he say? He said he had not engaged in any risky behavior.
Huh.
And you believed him.
He didn't have any reason to lie.
Everybody lies, except politicians? House, I believe you're a romantic.
You didn't just believe him, you believed in him! Do you want to come over tonight and watch old movies and cry? Dr.
Cameron's getting to you.
Well, I guess you can't be around that much niceness and not get any on you.
Is that why you haven't put the moves on her? What makes you think I haven't put the moves on her? Oh! Oh, boy! You're in trouble.
You have restored my faith in the human race.
- You're lying.
- No.
I'm not lying.
Just got your results back.
No G.
H.
B.
, no nothing.
It means you're having sex and you're lying about it.
No.
And I have a new symptom.
I have a rash on my butt.
Do you wanna? Yeah.
- What is it? - It's a carpet burn.
No.
It can't be.
Doctor, I love sex.
I miss it.
I haven't had any in over a year.
Well, you managed to keep this appointment, so you have no short-term memory problem.
Multiple personalities? Do you find yourself losing chunks of time? Do you wake up, and you don't remember falling asleep? No.
I just wake up really exhausted.
- Something upsetting you? - No.
My ex lives in the apartment downstairs.
He's always calling me, always wanting to get back together, complaining about mixed signals.
"Get out of my life.
" How much clearer can you get? We have a sleep lab in the basement.
If nothing else, it will get you away from your ex for a night.
Slightly enlarged lymph node in his left armpit.
How slightly? Quarter mil.
- Lymphoma? - Sure.
Or he's had a cold in the last six months.
- What, you got her on speed dial? - I just follow the scent of arrogance.
Another slightly enlarged node over here.
Two more in his neck and one in his groin.
- And there's a cyst in his liver.
- It looks complex.
Central necrosis? Spontaneous bleeding.
It's benign.
I was rooting for a really cool tumor.
Instead we're stuck with this crap.
Doesn't matter.
Once you find 'em, you gotta check 'em.
Knock yourselves out.
I just saw Senator Wright.
He looks like hell.
That sushi must've been a lot worse than you thought.
Mr.
Vogler, would you like a free whole body scan? A man of your stature should get himself checked at least three times a year.
Here's a few key points I want you to cover during your speech.
Fourteen pages.
The audience will be comatose by paragraph two.
Throw in a joke.
Dr.
Chase, we need to talk.
- How do you see this ending? - What ending? I can't fire you, so you have no reason to fear me and, therefore, no reason to lie to me.
You told Cuddy where I was.
You told Vogler what I was doing.
Yeah.
So how can I work with you? Well, you don't have a choice.
This might hurt a little.
Lie to me.
Okay.
It'll feel like a gentle massage.
House is a lousy teacher.
You can't lie for beans.
Have you ever told any really big ones? Oh-ho-ho-ho! I might be messed up, but I'm not that out of it.
Strap his arm down.
Am I going to be okay? I hope so.
I am selling my soul.
Just a little piece.
And you are getting something in return.
I said I was selling it.
Didn't say I was giving it away.
That would be immoral and stupid.
All they've done is add an antacid.
Does it work? That's not the point.
Ofcourse it's the point.
He's not asking you to lie.
He's not asking you to do something illegal.
He's not asking me to do anything.
He's not ordering you.
He gave you a choice.
You chose your staff.
I know this isn't easy for you.
You'll suffer.
Vicodin sales in Jersey will triple.
But you are doing a good thing.
Only you could feel like crap about doing something good.
Kidney and liver cysts are both benign, and the lymph nodes all came back clean.
- His left armpit node has antibodies for C.
D.
11.
- Not enough to indicate lymphoma.
We never tested for hairy cell leukemia.
No, but we would have picked it up somewhere else besides one lymph node.
- And his spleen isn't enlarged.
- Size isn't everything.
The spleen is the mother lode for hairy cells.
Let's cut it open.
You can't biopsy his spleen.
It'll bleed like stink.
In the senator's condition, a spleen biopsy could easily cause sepsis and kill him.
Why do you do this to me? Now if I kill him, I can't tell the judge I had no idea of the risks involved.
His brain is turning into mush, and he's at risk for more infections.
We have to do it.
See? That'll sound much better in court.
Okay.
Go tell our human pincushion we'll be sticking him one more time.
Cuddy.
Don't you hate doing this? Yeah.
What's up? You like me.
Why? That's kind of a sad question.
I'm just trying to figure out what makes you tick.
I am not warm and fuzzy, and you are basically a stuffed animal made by Grandma.
I don't think that's why you're asking.
- I think this is because of the speech.
- God, don't try and pick me apart.
Then why are you asking? What do you want to hear? Hey, Senator.
We need to do one more biopsy-- on your spleen.
I'll have to sign lefty.
My fingers aren't working.
Have you been coughing a lot? Does it hurt? It's like I can't get air.
Is that from the toxo? No.
This is-- This is new.
You don't need to sign.
We can't do the biopsy.
The senator's breathing is severely impaired.
His O2 sat levels are at 89.
His silver stain indicates Pneumocystis carinii pneumonia.
Another killer fungus.
It's consistent with hairy cell leukemia.
But we can't biopsy his spleen.
Respiratory distress.
His platelets are 20 and dropping.
His blood won't clot worth a damn.
There's gotta be another way to diagnose hairy cell.
No.
His bone marrow's indeterminate.
Spleen biopsy's the only way to go.
You know, when the Inuit go fishing, they don't look for fish.
Why, Dr.
House? They look for the blue heron because there's no way to see the fish.
But if there's fish, there's gonna be birds fishing.
Now, if he's got hairy cell, what else should we see circling overhead? - He should have all sorts of weird viruses.
- H.
T.
L.
V.
and A.
T.
L.
V.
We can test for them.
Run the titers.
These were your brain waves at 2:45 a.
m.
Now, here it comes.
There's an abrupt jump from slow-wave sleep.
This indicates partial sleep arousal.
Most common type is somnambulism.
Sleepwalking.
That would explain why I'm so tired when I wake up.
Yes.
And also why you were pregnant.
And the hickeys.
And the carpet burn.
I had sex in my sleep? Sexsomnia is a documented disorder.
You said your ex lives downstairs.
I'll kill him.
Okay.
But he probably didn't know that you were asleep.
Sexsomniacs can act pretty normal.
I'm gonna write you a prescription for a low-dose antidepressant.
It'll let you sleep better.
If you wanna save yourself the $15 co-pay, you could have sex while you're awake.
- He's my ex.
I don't-- - You live in the same building.
You haven't had sex with anyone else for a year.
You sleepwalk right into his arms.
Call me crazy, but I'm sensing unresolved issues.
Negative for H.
T.
L.
V.
1 and 2.
And negative for A.
T.
L.
V.
and everything else.
It's not hairy cell.
Hey.
You really gonna give that speech? You got an opinion too? I'm a little surprised.
Frankly, I thought you were too much of a self-absorbed ass to do this for us.
You're welcome.
He's positive for Epstein-Barr.
So what? It doesn't point to hairy cell.
It's irrelevant.
Hey.
You didn't fall off the swings when you were eight.
S-S-Six.
Ever.
Give that back.
Uh-uh.
We have to talk.
You had an epileptic seizure.
That's how you bit your tongue.
I-I haven't had a seizure since-- What medication did you take? No s-s-seizure since I was six.
No dr-dr-drugs s-since I was 10.
Yeah, that's it.
Don't worry about what the question is.
Don't worry that you're starting to feel dizzy.
Just stay on message.
My-- My mother used to call it-- "funny-something".
- Phenytoin? - Yes! Okay, okay.
You're okay.
It's okay.
Everybody lies.
Senator Gary H.
Wright of New Jersey had childhood epilepsy.
He took phenytoin.
That drug, with the Epstein-Barr virus, is associated with common variable immunodeficiency disease.
"T" cells down, "B" cells down.
Keeps you from forming enough antibodies.
See, the antibodies are basically your defensive line.
And your brain is like the quarterback.
And then the fungi are like blitzing linebackers plunging up the middle.
Your lungs are like-- Okay, you got two quarterbacks.
C.
V.
I.
D.
? That's a type of immunoglobulin deficiency.
I said that.
Yeah.
Well, it was a stupid idea when you said it.
Then he got the respiratory problem, and he tested positive for Epstein-Barr.
That's pretty much a childhood disease.
That's another reason why Chase's suggestion was idiotic.
He got it when he was a kid.
He didn't get any symptoms until now.
It happens.
It gets triggered by stress-- like public speaking.
So you're basing your diagnosis on a virus that's relatively common and a drug he took 30 years ago.
Start the senator on I.
V.
immunoglobulin, stat.
If he gets better, I'm right.
If he dies, you're right.
Dr.
House? You faked that.
No.
Say "antiretroviral".
Antiretroviral.
Now, say it three times fast.
We just got your latest blood results.
Your white cells are up.
Your "T" cells are back over a hundred.
That's-That's good, right? In a week? That's terrific.
You'll need medication for the rest of your life, but other than that, you're fine.
Am I well enough to run for president? - Why not run for pope while you're at it? - Oh, come on.
Kennedy had Addison's.
F.
D.
R.
had polio.
Two of the best presidents in the last hundred years.
If they were running today, they wouldn't stand a chance.
You figure you'd be surgeon general if you didn't have the limp? No.
There's things I can't do.
And like you said, I have to live with reality.
Well, then I'm running.
Good for you.
Now, don't get excited.
He's right.
I, uh-- I won't win.
Then why run? Oh, I see.
Your point being, the only way to make a difference is to win every fight.
But, hey, why listen to me? I own the company.
I'm certainly not to be trusted, right? Dr.
Greg House, on the other hand, has a reputation for integrity, among other things.
Ladies and gentlemen, Dr.
Greg House.
Eastbrook Pharmaceuticals' extraordinary commitment to research excellence is exemplified by their new ACE inhibitor, a breakthrough medical approach that will protect millions from heart disease.
That's not a speech.
I thought it was pithy.
You got enough for a press release anyhow.
Foreman or Cameron.
A few things I forgot to mention.
Ed Vogler is a brilliant businessman, a brilliant judge of people and a man who has never lost a fight.
You know how I know that the new ACE inhibitor is good? 'Cause the old one was good.
The new one is really the same, just more expensive.
A lot more expensive.
You see, that's another example of Ed's brilliance.
Whenever one of his drugs is about to lose its patent, he has his boys and girls alter it just a tiny bit, patent it all over again, making not just a pointless new pill, but millions and millions of dollars.
Which is good for everybody, right? Except the patients.
But-- who cares? They're just so damn sick.
God obviously never liked them anyway.
All the healthy people in the room, let's have a big round of applause for Ed Vogler.
I threw in a joke.
I'm sorry.
I should've taken an extra couple of Vicodin and just held my nose.
- I'm guessing you did take a couple extra Vicodin.
- True.
You don't need to worry about firing anyone.
I'm leaving.
Why? Is this another noble, self-sacrificing gesture? Are you trying to protect Foreman? No.
So this is just, "Don't fire me.
I quit"? I'm protecting myself.
You asked me why I like you.
You're abrasive and rude.
But I figured, everything you do, you do it to help people.
But I was wrong.
You do it because it's right.
There are only two ways that I can deal with things.
One is in my control.
That's to leave.
Good-bye, House.