House of Fools (2014) s02e01 Episode Script
Series 2, Episode 1
# Today's the day of the blind date I've arranged for my son Erik # He's never been on a date before But with our advice # He's bound to score.
# Oh, we've had such good fun, such fun.
Good times, indeed.
Right, we'd better crack on.
Right, yes.
You put the cups away, I'll put the plates away, all right? All right, OK.
Right, Vic, that was fun but I think it's time we got Erik down and had that little chat with him.
Sorry, sweetheart, what were we saying? Yeah, I think it's about time now that we got Erik down and gave him Sorry, what was that? No, I said, let's get Erik down and give him that little chat, you know, about the facts of life, you know, the birds and the biscuits.
The sex talk.
The sex talk.
The sex talk.
Follow me.
Erik! Erik! Erik! Erik! Erik! Erik! Erik! Erik! Father, Father.
Erik! Erik! Vic.
Erik! Erik! Vic, Father.
Erik! Erik! Vic.
Erik! Father, I'm over here.
Yeah, he's over there.
Erik! Vic! Erik! Vic! Erik! Where is Vic? He's there.
Erik! It's all right.
Right, there you are, Erik .
.
sat there anticipating a conversation with your father.
But what is this all about, Father? Well myself and your mother, I mean, Vic .
.
we've kind of noticed that, you know, you're 23 years old now and, oh Come on, come on.
You're going through some changes.
You know, at night-time or in the morning, you might be experiencing the occasional longy Longings.
Longings.
Longings.
Longings.
What your father's trying to say is that, you know, you might, ooh wake up in the morning with you know, some Some special, you know, some urges and notions.
Urges, notions.
Urges.
And maybe even a raised eyebrow if perhaps you see .
.
Lorraine Kelly's cleavage as she bends over to sniff a risotto but The thing is, Erik, is, like, you need to meet a woman, right? So we've arranged a blind date for you, tonight, in Julie's Bistro.
Ooh, woohoo, ooh, oh-oooh.
Oh, oh, whoo, oooh-oh-oh, yeah.
Wo-ho-ho-ho.
Yaaay! Ooh, ooh.
Whoo.
Whoo.
Whey.
No, I'm not going.
Who is this blind woman anyways? Erik, it's not a blind woman, it's a blind date, it's someone Beef found on the internet who'll probably be nice.
Beef.
That's a terrible idea, I will never do it.
I think you should go.
Yes, you're so right, Vic.
Hey, Vic, what do you think I should wear? Look, I'll sort you out the most fantastic outfit for your date, beautiful! And in the meantime, I've written down some conversation starters on these cards, some chat-up lines, there you are.
Oh, great, Vic, I will go and learn my lines now.
Yeah, good.
I say, Erik, when you're going on a date, a joke can be, like, a really good icebreaker, you know, and I know some really good knock, knock ones, so would you like to try one? Yeah, go on, then.
OK.
Knock, knock.
No, I don't get it.
Knock, knock.
Who's there? Who's there? It's Julie, can't you see me? Oh, my God, you've gone blind.
What fun, why not me too? Ooh, let's play blind man's buff but the version where my Barnaby gets the buffing.
You're not blind at all, you're just pulling the bell on my leg.
Julie, you haven't got a leg bell.
Oh, haven't I? It's inside the leg, Bob.
So you haven't forgotten that your band is playing downstairs tonight at the Bistro to celebrate the opening week? Yeah, Beef will be round any minute now for our final rehearsal, Julie.
Good, well, you're on at seven so get there for eight sharp.
It's inside, Bob.
Hey, Vic.
Oh! Have you got my outfit? Oh.
Ohh.
Erik, cover yourself up, man, ooh.
Erik, look, I promise I'll sort you out an outfit a bit later on, just go back upstairs and learn your chat-up lines.
Hey, Erik, Erik, Erik, you know we did the knock knock thing earlier and it didn't really land, yeah? It's because you're meant to say, "Who's there?" So could we try that, then? Yeah, go on, then.
OK, knock, knock.
Who is there? Godfrey.
No, I still don't get it.
Well, Beef will be round in a minute, Vic, so it's time that we sorted out a name for our band.
No need, Bob, we're using my band name.
What, your name, that's the first I've heard of it, what is it? It's powerful, it's in your face, it's got everything you could possibly need in a band.
All right, and what is it? Erotic Diagram.
Erotic Diagram?! Who are you trying to attract? Sexualised draughtsmen or something? Well, you got a better idea, have you? Yeah, I've got a better idea, Vic, I'm bringing it towards you now.
Yeah, what is it? We shall be called The Plumps.
The Plumps?! Plumps.
Yeah.
The Plumps?! We're not playing at a fat kids' roller disco, you know.
I know that.
Hey, but if it was The Plump And The Hunk, that might work.
The Plumps.
It's Erotic Diagram.
The Plumps.
Erotic Diagram.
It's The Plumps.
Erotic Diagram.
It's The Plumps.
# It won't surprise you But my synthesizer # Is powered with a single walnut # When I turn it up loud The girls gather round # And when I pull this lever My trousers fall down # Whoa! # # When I pull this lever My trousers fall down # Whoa! # Damn this lever.
Now my trousers will never fall down.
Music - the opiate of the insane and unhinged.
The most sonic of all the dark arts.
And the most useful gift the good Lord has ever given us apart from money.
All right, Beef, I like your bandana.
You do, don't you? Yeah.
Here's a teaser for you both, what colour is it? Me.
Me.
Me.
Me.
Me.
Me.
Not you, tomtit, the magician.
Blue.
It is blue.
Yeah, I knew that.
Do you know why it's blue? Because it's made out of blue fabric.
Ah, blue fabric.
Shall we rehearse? Well, we need to decide on a band name first.
Already done and dusted.
Beef And Onions.
Oh, what, and we're the onions, are we? I'm not an onion, I am an Erotic Diagram.
No, you're not, you're a Plump.
I'm an Erotic Diagram.
No you're not Anyway, to be honest, Beef, it's nothing to do with you because you're just a session musician.
A session musician, really? Ha! Well, would a session musician be able to do this? Ha-ha! It worked, success! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hang on there, Beef.
Hang on, whoa.
Us three are a soul duo, not Greek fantasists.
Do you not remember Tits Mackenzie's wedding? We did Three Times A Lady.
Four times.
No, three times.
No, we sang it four times.
Yeah, I do, that was a hell of a night.
What was that number you chaps did as an encore? Reunited, by Peaches And Herb.
Yeah, it was a fantastic performance, wasn't it, Vic? Tell me something, why was he called Tits, again? Do you not remember after his wedding when he came back here? Titty, very titty.
All right, if you've rejected Beef And Onions, what's your idea for a band name? Erotic Diagram.
No, Beef, no, it's The Plumps.
It's Erotic Diagram, look, I've even done a poster.
Oh, he's done a poster, look at it.
Yeah, well, I've done a poster for The Plumps too.
Bosh, darling, we've been open for almost a week now.
Yes, Julie, I know and I'd just like to say, on behalf of meself and the rest of the cast, good luck with your new bistro for the duration of the series you twat.
Thank you, Bosh.
Now, we've been open for almost a week now and I've had a couple of complaints about your waitressing.
Now, so I think we ought to have a little training sesh.
I'm going to be the customer and you're going to be the waiter.
Waiter! Bosh, the waiter, approaches the customer with a certain charm and confidence.
Oh, yes, he does.
Before he politely enquires What? Lovely, OK, so this customer's very starving, what do you recommend? Well, there's a really good Turkish restaurant a couple of doors down that I recommend.
Apparently, the pitta bread in there is to die for.
Yes, but darling, I'm eating here.
Oh.
Now, could I get a drink? Yes, of course you can get a drink, they're just over there, go and help yourself.
No, I'm asking you to get me a drink.
Oh, right, yeah, of course.
Here, Julie, I've just been in the lavvies and we're fresh out of tickly johnnies.
I thought you, of all people, would want to know that.
Right, drink.
Oh, dear, he's going to have to go.
Hold on, sold out of tickly johnnies in a week, who buys these things? Right, we're going to do my song first, lads.
No.
What's it about? Well, it's about two lovers, well, potential lovers.
What, like you and Julie? Anyway, it's a story of these two lovers and the potential turmoil and the beauty that surrounds these special moments.
You know what, that sounds all right.
What's it called, Vic? Sausage and mash.
Sausage and mash?! Sausage and mash.
Right, here's the words and here's the music.
Go on, it's in C, go.
C.
Two, three, four.
# Baby # You are the cream cheese of my life # The York ham and the chips # But where is the crab paste? Ah, ah # Sausage and the mash # The sausage and the mash # This is awful! I thought it was pretty good.
What? I'm off.
What, we're not even going to hear mine then? No, we're not, no, I have a pressing engagement, quite literally, at Mr Woo's Chinese Laundry, in Limehouse, established in 1888 or thereabouts.
What, so that's it then, we're doing your shitty song, are we? Well, it looks like it, doesn't it? Oh, look at you, you're pleased as punch, aren't you? Yeah.
Yeah, well, here's some bad news for you, Vic, I've just quit the band.
I've quit the band, I don't want to have anything to do with you, Vic.
I'm going through there, I don't want to see ya, I don't want to hear from ya, I don't want you to get upwind from me.
We are finished.
Well, it's fine by me.
Doesn't bother me if I never speak to you again.
End of scene.
I hate you.
I hate you! I wish I was the first Mrs de Winter.
Go away, you brute.
What do you want from me, you beast? Vic, are you in there, Vic? Erik? Yeah, it's me.
Come in, Erik.
Oh! Cover yourself up.
So, Vic, have you got my outfit for my date with this so-called woman? I promise you, Erik, I'll sort you out in due course, I'm just in the middle of a terrible row with your father.
Do you want me to chin him? No, it's all right, Erik, just go off and practise your chat up lines.
OK, dude.
Right, you're going to be the customer this time.
I'm going to show you how it's done.
Now, all customers like to be asked personal questions - how old are you? How much money do you earn? Have you ever thought about getting that fixed? Point to the relevant area with pencil.
Now, what do you do if a customer's very fat? Oh, you ask them how they got like that, Julie.
Very good, and? You ask them if they would like to use the plate or the trough.
No.
Come on, think.
You ask if they would like to see the slimmers' menu.
No, no, no.
The fatties eat like horses.
You offer the extended menu with the heavy pudding options.
Oh.
Oh, look, here comes a big old fatty.
Practise on him.
Hello, Bosh.
First of all, may I enquire how on earth did you get like that? Have you ever thought about getting that fixed? Points to pertinent area with pencil.
Would you like to use your plate or your trough? And here is a menu with extended pudding options.
I'll be back in a minute with a can of pears.
Yeah, it's canapes.
No, it's a can of pears, you fussy twat.
OK.
Hi, Julie.
Hi, Bobby.
Hi, Julie, I'm glad I caught you actually because unfortunately I've got some really bad news.
What? I'm afraid Vic isn't going to be able to perform tonight.
Why ever not? He's swallowed a golf ball, Julie, and it got it went .
.
right deep into his throat so he can't speak, you know, let alone, like, sing lyrics.
Well, how did that happen? Well, I don't know, Julie, he can't speak, can he? That's really awful, isn't it, Julie? Yes.
But what I reckon is, I'll probably have to do the show tonight solo.
I'm a bit like Ted Sheeran, you know what I mean? But I've got a much, much bigger guitar and a lot better teeth, actually.
So if that's OK with you, I'll do it solo tonight.
Oh, look, I'm so excited I can't bear it.
So excited.
OK, well, if you could chalk it up, it's The Plump, just singular, yeah? The Plump, and I'll see you later.
Thank you very much, Julie.
Oh, I can't bear it.
Thank you.
Julie, this just arrived.
I think it's come from Bob's consultant at the hospital.
I'm really worried.
Could you open it and read it for me, I don't know if I could bear it? Oh, yes, of course, more fun.
I hope it's not bad news.
Me too.
Come in? What does it say, Julie? "Dear Bob, I am your consultant from the clinic near the Jet Garage.
"It's dead sad but I've got some shit news for you.
"It seems you have contracted" What does that say? Jango-jango disease.
".
.
Jango-jango disease.
The most important thing is that you "must not, I repeat, must not do any music concerts, "eg the one that is happening at Julie's Bistro tonight.
" Oh! "Love, Dr Fingerbottom.
" Isn't that awful news? Hey, but don't worry, Julie, I'll do it tonight solo, on my own.
What happened to the golf ball? What? Bob said you had a golf ball in the back of your throat and you won't be able to perform tonight.
Ah, he did, did he? Oh, I get it, yeah, right, yeah, well I swallowed it.
Then I sat on a hot flannel till it popped out.
So I'll just do it on my own tonight, Julie, if you don't mind.
Don't think I don't know what you're both up to.
I insist you either play together tonight or not at all.
And I want you to kiss and make up immediately.
And also film it for me.
# Baby, you are the cream cheese, hey.
# Right, Julie says we have to do the gig together or not What's all this here, then? Yeah, it's an electric fence.
This is my part, that's your part.
Keep out, private party.
Oh, I get it.
Right.
All right, I'm going to go over here on this super-soft sofa and munch gently on my crispy Henderson's.
They're my crispy Henderson's.
Right, oh, what's this on the TV? It's Bob's favourite programme with Gino D'Acampo.
I think I'll watch it with the sound down.
Excuse me, excuse me.
I'm sorry, I don't know your name.
Oh, what's that, I'm sure I heard something really boring, like something dying in a nearby meadow.
There, ha-ha! What are you doing? No, no! You Prepare for the end of days.
'If he gets the angle right, 'there's a chance this one could slip right in.
'But it looks like he might have to wipe that one on the cushion.
'Oh, he's come in off the pink there and slid into the brown.
'And he's calling for a rest here now.
' I'll have a slice of that action.
'Oh, he's touched the brown with the tip of his cue.
' Hey, Vic, have you got my outfit? Ah! Erik! Cover thine self, please.
Ugh! Gerard Depardieu.
Beef, it's Erik.
Erik, look, I'm really sorry, I'll get your outfit sorted out as soon as I can.
As you can see, I'm rather busy at the moment.
OK, dude.
Come on.
Cease this conflict! Are we doing this gig, then? No.
Well, I'd better go and tell Julie.
What are you doing? Go on, you get out as well.
Go on.
Get out of here.
I just want this to stop now.
So they've had a terrible fall out? Yes.
So they won't be performing tonight? No.
It's such a shame, they sing so beautifully together.
Is there nothing you can do? I might have something up my sleeve.
Vic? Oh, Erik, I totally forgot.
I'm really sorry.
It's OK, Vic, don't be so hard on yourself.
You are my date.
Yes, I am your date.
I like your style.
I like your style also.
Do you drive an economical vehicle? Yes, it can achieve over 50mpg if driven at a constant speed of 57mph.
I like your hair.
Have you got nice hair? Yes.
I use a hairdryer.
And a brush.
Very clever.
Knock, knock.
A very good joke to hear.
Thank you.
I wrote it in my room myself, while I was alone.
Hello, now would you like your conversation still or sparkling? Sparkling, please.
Certainly, sir.
There you go, you can stick your teeth in there a little bit later on because the soup is well claggy like.
You-u-u-u little twat.
I live with my father.
He's an awful sort.
That's him over there.
Ugh, ugh.
Wow, what a drip.
My father is also an arsehole but he has a lovely friend who I really admire.
Yeah, my father has a really cool friend also.
That's him over there.
Wow, he looks like a magnificent bison.
Do you like animals? Yes, I love animals.
Look.
A proboscis monkey.
It is gorgeous.
All right, it's about time we kicked off tonight's entertainment.
As you can see it's just Beef and no onions.
With a room this size you can't get too savoury.
Ha! Yes, I'd like to start with a song that means a hell of a lot to me and also a lot to my two good friends who are also sat here.
We first performed this number at Tits Mackenzie's wedding and it goes a little like this.
# I was a fool to ever leave your side # Me minus you is such a lonely ride # The break-up we had has made me lonesome and sad # I realise I love you cos I want you back # Yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah # Reunited it feels so good # Reunited Cos we understood # There's one perfect fit # And, sugar, this one is it # We both are so excited cos we're reunited, yeah, yeah # Reunited and it feels so good # Reunited cos we understood # There's one perfect fit And, sugar, this one is it # We both are so excited cos we're reunited, hey, hey # Reunited and it feels so good # Reunited cos we understood # There's one perfect fit And, sugar, this one is it # We both are so excited cos we're reunited, hey, hey # Reunited and it feels so good # Reunited and it feels so good # Reunited cos we understood # There's one perfect fit And, sugar, this one is it # We both are so excited cos we're reunited, yeah, yeah.
#
# Oh, we've had such good fun, such fun.
Good times, indeed.
Right, we'd better crack on.
Right, yes.
You put the cups away, I'll put the plates away, all right? All right, OK.
Right, Vic, that was fun but I think it's time we got Erik down and had that little chat with him.
Sorry, sweetheart, what were we saying? Yeah, I think it's about time now that we got Erik down and gave him Sorry, what was that? No, I said, let's get Erik down and give him that little chat, you know, about the facts of life, you know, the birds and the biscuits.
The sex talk.
The sex talk.
The sex talk.
Follow me.
Erik! Erik! Erik! Erik! Erik! Erik! Erik! Erik! Father, Father.
Erik! Erik! Vic.
Erik! Erik! Vic, Father.
Erik! Erik! Vic.
Erik! Father, I'm over here.
Yeah, he's over there.
Erik! Vic! Erik! Vic! Erik! Where is Vic? He's there.
Erik! It's all right.
Right, there you are, Erik .
.
sat there anticipating a conversation with your father.
But what is this all about, Father? Well myself and your mother, I mean, Vic .
.
we've kind of noticed that, you know, you're 23 years old now and, oh Come on, come on.
You're going through some changes.
You know, at night-time or in the morning, you might be experiencing the occasional longy Longings.
Longings.
Longings.
Longings.
What your father's trying to say is that, you know, you might, ooh wake up in the morning with you know, some Some special, you know, some urges and notions.
Urges, notions.
Urges.
And maybe even a raised eyebrow if perhaps you see .
.
Lorraine Kelly's cleavage as she bends over to sniff a risotto but The thing is, Erik, is, like, you need to meet a woman, right? So we've arranged a blind date for you, tonight, in Julie's Bistro.
Ooh, woohoo, ooh, oh-oooh.
Oh, oh, whoo, oooh-oh-oh, yeah.
Wo-ho-ho-ho.
Yaaay! Ooh, ooh.
Whoo.
Whoo.
Whey.
No, I'm not going.
Who is this blind woman anyways? Erik, it's not a blind woman, it's a blind date, it's someone Beef found on the internet who'll probably be nice.
Beef.
That's a terrible idea, I will never do it.
I think you should go.
Yes, you're so right, Vic.
Hey, Vic, what do you think I should wear? Look, I'll sort you out the most fantastic outfit for your date, beautiful! And in the meantime, I've written down some conversation starters on these cards, some chat-up lines, there you are.
Oh, great, Vic, I will go and learn my lines now.
Yeah, good.
I say, Erik, when you're going on a date, a joke can be, like, a really good icebreaker, you know, and I know some really good knock, knock ones, so would you like to try one? Yeah, go on, then.
OK.
Knock, knock.
No, I don't get it.
Knock, knock.
Who's there? Who's there? It's Julie, can't you see me? Oh, my God, you've gone blind.
What fun, why not me too? Ooh, let's play blind man's buff but the version where my Barnaby gets the buffing.
You're not blind at all, you're just pulling the bell on my leg.
Julie, you haven't got a leg bell.
Oh, haven't I? It's inside the leg, Bob.
So you haven't forgotten that your band is playing downstairs tonight at the Bistro to celebrate the opening week? Yeah, Beef will be round any minute now for our final rehearsal, Julie.
Good, well, you're on at seven so get there for eight sharp.
It's inside, Bob.
Hey, Vic.
Oh! Have you got my outfit? Oh.
Ohh.
Erik, cover yourself up, man, ooh.
Erik, look, I promise I'll sort you out an outfit a bit later on, just go back upstairs and learn your chat-up lines.
Hey, Erik, Erik, Erik, you know we did the knock knock thing earlier and it didn't really land, yeah? It's because you're meant to say, "Who's there?" So could we try that, then? Yeah, go on, then.
OK, knock, knock.
Who is there? Godfrey.
No, I still don't get it.
Well, Beef will be round in a minute, Vic, so it's time that we sorted out a name for our band.
No need, Bob, we're using my band name.
What, your name, that's the first I've heard of it, what is it? It's powerful, it's in your face, it's got everything you could possibly need in a band.
All right, and what is it? Erotic Diagram.
Erotic Diagram?! Who are you trying to attract? Sexualised draughtsmen or something? Well, you got a better idea, have you? Yeah, I've got a better idea, Vic, I'm bringing it towards you now.
Yeah, what is it? We shall be called The Plumps.
The Plumps?! Plumps.
Yeah.
The Plumps?! We're not playing at a fat kids' roller disco, you know.
I know that.
Hey, but if it was The Plump And The Hunk, that might work.
The Plumps.
It's Erotic Diagram.
The Plumps.
Erotic Diagram.
It's The Plumps.
Erotic Diagram.
It's The Plumps.
# It won't surprise you But my synthesizer # Is powered with a single walnut # When I turn it up loud The girls gather round # And when I pull this lever My trousers fall down # Whoa! # # When I pull this lever My trousers fall down # Whoa! # Damn this lever.
Now my trousers will never fall down.
Music - the opiate of the insane and unhinged.
The most sonic of all the dark arts.
And the most useful gift the good Lord has ever given us apart from money.
All right, Beef, I like your bandana.
You do, don't you? Yeah.
Here's a teaser for you both, what colour is it? Me.
Me.
Me.
Me.
Me.
Me.
Not you, tomtit, the magician.
Blue.
It is blue.
Yeah, I knew that.
Do you know why it's blue? Because it's made out of blue fabric.
Ah, blue fabric.
Shall we rehearse? Well, we need to decide on a band name first.
Already done and dusted.
Beef And Onions.
Oh, what, and we're the onions, are we? I'm not an onion, I am an Erotic Diagram.
No, you're not, you're a Plump.
I'm an Erotic Diagram.
No you're not Anyway, to be honest, Beef, it's nothing to do with you because you're just a session musician.
A session musician, really? Ha! Well, would a session musician be able to do this? Ha-ha! It worked, success! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hang on there, Beef.
Hang on, whoa.
Us three are a soul duo, not Greek fantasists.
Do you not remember Tits Mackenzie's wedding? We did Three Times A Lady.
Four times.
No, three times.
No, we sang it four times.
Yeah, I do, that was a hell of a night.
What was that number you chaps did as an encore? Reunited, by Peaches And Herb.
Yeah, it was a fantastic performance, wasn't it, Vic? Tell me something, why was he called Tits, again? Do you not remember after his wedding when he came back here? Titty, very titty.
All right, if you've rejected Beef And Onions, what's your idea for a band name? Erotic Diagram.
No, Beef, no, it's The Plumps.
It's Erotic Diagram, look, I've even done a poster.
Oh, he's done a poster, look at it.
Yeah, well, I've done a poster for The Plumps too.
Bosh, darling, we've been open for almost a week now.
Yes, Julie, I know and I'd just like to say, on behalf of meself and the rest of the cast, good luck with your new bistro for the duration of the series you twat.
Thank you, Bosh.
Now, we've been open for almost a week now and I've had a couple of complaints about your waitressing.
Now, so I think we ought to have a little training sesh.
I'm going to be the customer and you're going to be the waiter.
Waiter! Bosh, the waiter, approaches the customer with a certain charm and confidence.
Oh, yes, he does.
Before he politely enquires What? Lovely, OK, so this customer's very starving, what do you recommend? Well, there's a really good Turkish restaurant a couple of doors down that I recommend.
Apparently, the pitta bread in there is to die for.
Yes, but darling, I'm eating here.
Oh.
Now, could I get a drink? Yes, of course you can get a drink, they're just over there, go and help yourself.
No, I'm asking you to get me a drink.
Oh, right, yeah, of course.
Here, Julie, I've just been in the lavvies and we're fresh out of tickly johnnies.
I thought you, of all people, would want to know that.
Right, drink.
Oh, dear, he's going to have to go.
Hold on, sold out of tickly johnnies in a week, who buys these things? Right, we're going to do my song first, lads.
No.
What's it about? Well, it's about two lovers, well, potential lovers.
What, like you and Julie? Anyway, it's a story of these two lovers and the potential turmoil and the beauty that surrounds these special moments.
You know what, that sounds all right.
What's it called, Vic? Sausage and mash.
Sausage and mash?! Sausage and mash.
Right, here's the words and here's the music.
Go on, it's in C, go.
C.
Two, three, four.
# Baby # You are the cream cheese of my life # The York ham and the chips # But where is the crab paste? Ah, ah # Sausage and the mash # The sausage and the mash # This is awful! I thought it was pretty good.
What? I'm off.
What, we're not even going to hear mine then? No, we're not, no, I have a pressing engagement, quite literally, at Mr Woo's Chinese Laundry, in Limehouse, established in 1888 or thereabouts.
What, so that's it then, we're doing your shitty song, are we? Well, it looks like it, doesn't it? Oh, look at you, you're pleased as punch, aren't you? Yeah.
Yeah, well, here's some bad news for you, Vic, I've just quit the band.
I've quit the band, I don't want to have anything to do with you, Vic.
I'm going through there, I don't want to see ya, I don't want to hear from ya, I don't want you to get upwind from me.
We are finished.
Well, it's fine by me.
Doesn't bother me if I never speak to you again.
End of scene.
I hate you.
I hate you! I wish I was the first Mrs de Winter.
Go away, you brute.
What do you want from me, you beast? Vic, are you in there, Vic? Erik? Yeah, it's me.
Come in, Erik.
Oh! Cover yourself up.
So, Vic, have you got my outfit for my date with this so-called woman? I promise you, Erik, I'll sort you out in due course, I'm just in the middle of a terrible row with your father.
Do you want me to chin him? No, it's all right, Erik, just go off and practise your chat up lines.
OK, dude.
Right, you're going to be the customer this time.
I'm going to show you how it's done.
Now, all customers like to be asked personal questions - how old are you? How much money do you earn? Have you ever thought about getting that fixed? Point to the relevant area with pencil.
Now, what do you do if a customer's very fat? Oh, you ask them how they got like that, Julie.
Very good, and? You ask them if they would like to use the plate or the trough.
No.
Come on, think.
You ask if they would like to see the slimmers' menu.
No, no, no.
The fatties eat like horses.
You offer the extended menu with the heavy pudding options.
Oh.
Oh, look, here comes a big old fatty.
Practise on him.
Hello, Bosh.
First of all, may I enquire how on earth did you get like that? Have you ever thought about getting that fixed? Points to pertinent area with pencil.
Would you like to use your plate or your trough? And here is a menu with extended pudding options.
I'll be back in a minute with a can of pears.
Yeah, it's canapes.
No, it's a can of pears, you fussy twat.
OK.
Hi, Julie.
Hi, Bobby.
Hi, Julie, I'm glad I caught you actually because unfortunately I've got some really bad news.
What? I'm afraid Vic isn't going to be able to perform tonight.
Why ever not? He's swallowed a golf ball, Julie, and it got it went .
.
right deep into his throat so he can't speak, you know, let alone, like, sing lyrics.
Well, how did that happen? Well, I don't know, Julie, he can't speak, can he? That's really awful, isn't it, Julie? Yes.
But what I reckon is, I'll probably have to do the show tonight solo.
I'm a bit like Ted Sheeran, you know what I mean? But I've got a much, much bigger guitar and a lot better teeth, actually.
So if that's OK with you, I'll do it solo tonight.
Oh, look, I'm so excited I can't bear it.
So excited.
OK, well, if you could chalk it up, it's The Plump, just singular, yeah? The Plump, and I'll see you later.
Thank you very much, Julie.
Oh, I can't bear it.
Thank you.
Julie, this just arrived.
I think it's come from Bob's consultant at the hospital.
I'm really worried.
Could you open it and read it for me, I don't know if I could bear it? Oh, yes, of course, more fun.
I hope it's not bad news.
Me too.
Come in? What does it say, Julie? "Dear Bob, I am your consultant from the clinic near the Jet Garage.
"It's dead sad but I've got some shit news for you.
"It seems you have contracted" What does that say? Jango-jango disease.
".
.
Jango-jango disease.
The most important thing is that you "must not, I repeat, must not do any music concerts, "eg the one that is happening at Julie's Bistro tonight.
" Oh! "Love, Dr Fingerbottom.
" Isn't that awful news? Hey, but don't worry, Julie, I'll do it tonight solo, on my own.
What happened to the golf ball? What? Bob said you had a golf ball in the back of your throat and you won't be able to perform tonight.
Ah, he did, did he? Oh, I get it, yeah, right, yeah, well I swallowed it.
Then I sat on a hot flannel till it popped out.
So I'll just do it on my own tonight, Julie, if you don't mind.
Don't think I don't know what you're both up to.
I insist you either play together tonight or not at all.
And I want you to kiss and make up immediately.
And also film it for me.
# Baby, you are the cream cheese, hey.
# Right, Julie says we have to do the gig together or not What's all this here, then? Yeah, it's an electric fence.
This is my part, that's your part.
Keep out, private party.
Oh, I get it.
Right.
All right, I'm going to go over here on this super-soft sofa and munch gently on my crispy Henderson's.
They're my crispy Henderson's.
Right, oh, what's this on the TV? It's Bob's favourite programme with Gino D'Acampo.
I think I'll watch it with the sound down.
Excuse me, excuse me.
I'm sorry, I don't know your name.
Oh, what's that, I'm sure I heard something really boring, like something dying in a nearby meadow.
There, ha-ha! What are you doing? No, no! You Prepare for the end of days.
'If he gets the angle right, 'there's a chance this one could slip right in.
'But it looks like he might have to wipe that one on the cushion.
'Oh, he's come in off the pink there and slid into the brown.
'And he's calling for a rest here now.
' I'll have a slice of that action.
'Oh, he's touched the brown with the tip of his cue.
' Hey, Vic, have you got my outfit? Ah! Erik! Cover thine self, please.
Ugh! Gerard Depardieu.
Beef, it's Erik.
Erik, look, I'm really sorry, I'll get your outfit sorted out as soon as I can.
As you can see, I'm rather busy at the moment.
OK, dude.
Come on.
Cease this conflict! Are we doing this gig, then? No.
Well, I'd better go and tell Julie.
What are you doing? Go on, you get out as well.
Go on.
Get out of here.
I just want this to stop now.
So they've had a terrible fall out? Yes.
So they won't be performing tonight? No.
It's such a shame, they sing so beautifully together.
Is there nothing you can do? I might have something up my sleeve.
Vic? Oh, Erik, I totally forgot.
I'm really sorry.
It's OK, Vic, don't be so hard on yourself.
You are my date.
Yes, I am your date.
I like your style.
I like your style also.
Do you drive an economical vehicle? Yes, it can achieve over 50mpg if driven at a constant speed of 57mph.
I like your hair.
Have you got nice hair? Yes.
I use a hairdryer.
And a brush.
Very clever.
Knock, knock.
A very good joke to hear.
Thank you.
I wrote it in my room myself, while I was alone.
Hello, now would you like your conversation still or sparkling? Sparkling, please.
Certainly, sir.
There you go, you can stick your teeth in there a little bit later on because the soup is well claggy like.
You-u-u-u little twat.
I live with my father.
He's an awful sort.
That's him over there.
Ugh, ugh.
Wow, what a drip.
My father is also an arsehole but he has a lovely friend who I really admire.
Yeah, my father has a really cool friend also.
That's him over there.
Wow, he looks like a magnificent bison.
Do you like animals? Yes, I love animals.
Look.
A proboscis monkey.
It is gorgeous.
All right, it's about time we kicked off tonight's entertainment.
As you can see it's just Beef and no onions.
With a room this size you can't get too savoury.
Ha! Yes, I'd like to start with a song that means a hell of a lot to me and also a lot to my two good friends who are also sat here.
We first performed this number at Tits Mackenzie's wedding and it goes a little like this.
# I was a fool to ever leave your side # Me minus you is such a lonely ride # The break-up we had has made me lonesome and sad # I realise I love you cos I want you back # Yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah # Reunited it feels so good # Reunited Cos we understood # There's one perfect fit # And, sugar, this one is it # We both are so excited cos we're reunited, yeah, yeah # Reunited and it feels so good # Reunited cos we understood # There's one perfect fit And, sugar, this one is it # We both are so excited cos we're reunited, hey, hey # Reunited and it feels so good # Reunited cos we understood # There's one perfect fit And, sugar, this one is it # We both are so excited cos we're reunited, hey, hey # Reunited and it feels so good # Reunited and it feels so good # Reunited cos we understood # There's one perfect fit And, sugar, this one is it # We both are so excited cos we're reunited, yeah, yeah.
#