House of Fools (2014) s02e04 Episode Script
Series 2, Episode 4
# Today's the day of the danceathon # 24 hours of dancing # Fast or slow, just watch me go # But who will be the last man standing? # He jumps, he grooves With his bouncing boobs # He can go on for hours # Just look at him As he jumps and shakes # And he never takes a toilet break # No! # Honk, honk.
All right, Vic.
That outfit is incredible.
That outfit is incredible.
Do you like it? Yeah, it's like a doormat Like a matador.
That's what you look like.
Where did you get it from? The pound shop.
The pound shop? The pink pound shop.
Nice.
It's not too flouncy, is it? Not too urgent? Not too busy? Plenty of room on top.
No, it's all of those things, Vic, yet it really suits you.
Yeah, thank you.
It's not too overwhelming, is it? No, it's perfectly whelmed.
Looks lovely.
Thank you.
Not too plumptious? Oh, trust you to concentrate on the plumptiousness of the outfit.
Tell me it's not too plumptious.
Well, I mean, when you bend over When you bend over, I can see a couple of plumps, I've got to be honest, but It's a great outfit and it's perfect for the danceathon.
Good, where did you get your outfit? GET OFF is the main thing.
Yeah, it's a professional dance outfit.
It's from France, it's francais.
It's from the Salon De Dance, yeah.
Yeah, well it's the same supplier, just further down the supply chain.
Who's your favourite dancer, Vic? Have you seen Kevin Bacon? No, but I've seen him fry an egg! Oh, honk-honk! Honk-honk! Ha-ha, honk-honk ho ha! No, seriously though, like, do you like Grease? No, I prefer Spain! Honk-honk! Ha! Ha-ha.
Ha-ha-ha, ha! Honk-honk, you're saying? You're saying honk-honk.
Yeah.
Are you proud of what you've just said, Vic? No.
No.
Do you think you'll be doing it again? Probably.
Probably, yeah.
You're not even moving! Oooh, sometimes! I hit you then, you didn't even shift.
Sometimes! Hey, come on, stop this.
Right, come on, then.
Stop this, let's do some dance moves.
Are you ready, Vic? Yes, I am.
And, go! One! Dance move number one.
Oh, it's good.
What is it, Vic, what is it? Richard llI trying to get into the pantry to get that lovely tin of sardines he's been after all summer.
I like it.
Put it in the book.
It's in the book.
Go.
I like that one.
Oh, I like that.
What's that one? I'm grabbing the wrens and throwing them to Saturn.
Oh, like that dance, I do like that one.
And go.
Here we go.
No, I can't get it.
What's it called, what is it? Running under several hump-backed bridges throughout the Peak District.
I like it, I like it.
Bosh! Get up and get out! Julie, Julie, before you break me, I'd just like to congratulate you on the successful way you've bedded the bistro into the new series.
You twat.
I'm at the end of my tether with you.
Get into the kitchen out of my sight before I rip your knickers off and eat them.
Hello? Yeah, is that the verminator pest controller? Yeah, I've got a rat in my bistro and I need it gone immediately.
Yeah, before anyone finds out, yeah.
No, he's here now.
Yes, I can see him staring at me with his horrible beady little eyes.
Yeah.
Poison?! Oh, no, way too slow.
I need him gone today.
Mm? Wring his neck? Pfft, no, I don't want to touch him, no.
What? Well, can't you just come over and do his head in with a baseball bat? Oh, you can! Oh, what fun.
OK, well, keep it hush-hush, OK? See you later, with your baseball bat.
Love you, bye.
Hello, Bosh! Isn't it Oh, God, isn't it horrible when you're on the phone? Who was that you was talking to, Julie? Wrong number! Ron number, as in Ron Goodman, you know, from # Ron Goodman's Plastics! # That Ron.
I like your board.
Yes, it's the charity danceathon.
The Guild of Dancing Men - that's Bob's team - versus The Butcher Boys.
Last man standing wins.
First prize, Welsh motoring holiday.
Oh, yes.
Second prize, various cleaning products.
And who are these Butcher Boys? The Butcher Boys - three times national danceathon champions.
I haven't met them, but apparently they're a right pack of twats.
Bullies.
Bullies.
But, my God, they got all of the moves, man, innit? I feel sorry for our lads.
I think they're gonna take one hell of a beating.
Really? We're going to have fun, though, aren't we, dear? Oh, yeah, no, we'll have fun if I'm still alive.
Why won't you still be alive? Oh! I don't know do you? Go! Ready to present! One, two, three, four What's it called? What is it? One, two, three, four I'm pointing at The X Factor judges and then backing out of the studio.
Oh, that's tasty! Come on, and go! Here we go.
What about this one? Erm No, what are you calling it? Polishing my belt and pointing at that police helicopter.
Yeah, I like it.
It's quite a package of moves we've got there, Vic.
Yeah.
One more.
One more.
Here we go.
No, we don't want to see that one, all right? All right.
Come on, save some of your energy, you idiot.
Oh, an idiot, am I? Eh? If I was an idiot, would I be able to do this? Next stop, Elephant and Castle! Wow! I wish I could do that.
Be my guest.
Don't cry.
I'm sorry.
Hey, Bob, look.
Who are we up against tonight? Oh, it's just some local lads.
Bu'er Boys, you wouldn't know about that.
You what? It's just some local lads, they call them Butcherboys.
What they called? Local lads, called the Butcher Boys.
Called what? The Butcher Boys.
The BUTCHER Boys! You know, Vic and Bob should have got me on their team.
You know, I've done loads of dancing in my time.
Have you? Yeah, I did all the dancing Extreme Survival.
Yeah, and you know Ross Kemp's Gangs of Namibia? Yeah.
Choreographed the whole thing.
Did you? Oh, yeah.
I'VE DONE 'EM ALL, MATE, Ha-ha! But what I really, really like are the musical movies! Can we do the move from Dirty Dancing? Oh, please say yes or I'll PISS myself.
All right, then.
I'll be Patrick Swayze.
And I'll be the other twat.
OK, go.
Oh, hold on, I meant Flashdance.
Ah-ha! Nice try.
You don't get rid of us that easy.
The Butcher Boys are the best dancers since Fred Astaire and what's her name! Ginger Rogers.
Does she? Honk-honk! Ha-ha, ha-ha-ha! I've done it again, haven't I? # All of my dances Attract the glances # Of the ladies in the parish # When I twiddle my cane It drives them insane # Cos they know it's a metaphor for my # pen-i-i-i-i-s.
# All right, Beef? I love your outfit.
Yes, well, I customised it for the danceathon.
It's made of the night-time.
And I harnessed its blackness and solidified it by using evening glue.
You like my cane? Yes.
Yes.
OK, tip it that way, turn the top and Bovril comes out.
Whoa! Yes, I'm not kidding.
Cracker! Cracker.
Spread it, man.
So, are you ready for the danceathon, Beef? Yes! Yeah.
Who are we dancing against? Tell him, Bob.
The Butcher Boys.
The Butcher Boys?! Don't harm me I'm on.
Shut it.
Well, well, well, if it isn't The Guild Of Dancing Men, or should I say, Needy Bob and his two preening ponces? Got him! Yeah, well, actually, I'm not really that needy actually, am I, Vic? Well I'm not, am I, Beef? I'm not actually that needy, am I? Well Oi, mush, see these legs? They were made for dancing.
Not like your legs - they were made for water aerobics.
You know, where you get the extra support from the water? You really got him there.
He's reeling.
Doesn't know what to say.
Look at his stupid face.
If these legs needed water support, And this one for a bit more because it's, like, a bit longer and thicker.
Longer and thicker Are you? Are you looking at me? Why don't you crawl up my a-hole? Well, I I wouldn't do that because it's all dingy and disgusting and I bet it's like a like a Well, I can't think of anything just now but you can probably imagine the sort of thing I mean.
We've won every danceathon we've ever entered.
Apart from the one in Scarborough.
That was a bloody Kill it! Oh, yeah, and Luton, that was Shut it.
And either way, pipsqueak, you, my little friend Yeah?.
.
Will be on the floor come the end of the night.
See you later.
Get out.
Nice coats, by the way.
You've just been butchered.
Bye-bye! I quit.
They're animals.
There's no way we can win.
No, Beef.
Yeah, he's right, you know.
We'd never be able to hold our heads up in this parish again.
I'm with Beef.
I'm out.
Oh, come on, we've been looking forward to this for ages! Think of that Welsh motoring holiday.
A Welsh odyssey, come on! Balls to the Welsh motoring holiday.
Come on, you're both perfectly fit.
I don't know why you're so worried about the Butcher Boys! Come on! I'm going downstairs to Julie's Bistro.
Why? What for? What? Why are you going there? I've got to give her something, all right? What? What have you got to give her? I'm not giving her something, I need to have a chat to her about something, all right? Why are you going down there? Vic, all right.
I need to move the story on, all right? Yeah.
Yeah.
Why didn't you just say that, then? Well, it didn't help, did it? It's as simple as that.
Such a tit! Do you know what? He's right, though, we are perfectly fit.
I know, but what if we weren't? What, you mean? Yes.
Break each other's legs.
That's brilliant.
But I'll break yours first, just in case I change my mind.
Well All right, so are you two like an item now, then? Yeah.
Oh, there you go.
We just got back from a trip to the hospital.
Oh, there's nothing wrong, is there? No, we were just watching the idiots going in and out of A&E.
Oh, right.
Well, go and serve the customers.
Oh, what, the one with the baseball bat? Oh, yeah, sent a boy to do a man's job, have you? Or is that just a boy dressed as a man? Very clever.
You see, the thing is, Erik, is I've got a feeling Beef and Vic are going to try and pull out of the danceathon tonight, right, so I wondered if you two would be willing to go on standby.
Is it important to you, father? Answer him.
Yeah, yeah, it is important to me, yeah.
Then it's a no.
Excuse me, have you got a toilet? Oh, yeah? You got a luger hiding in the cistern, have you? That's a bit crude! But, yeah, I have, actually.
Have you got plenty of toilet paper? Yeah, it's over there, yeah.
Listen, son.
I know why you've come.
I know what you've been sent to do, but you should know that if you come at me with that bat I will rain down on you like a shit storm.
So finish your croy-sont and get out .
.
yo-o-o-ou little twit.
Boom! It's not going to snap, man! It has to, keep going! It won't give! It must! It won't give, man! Keep going, it's going to snap! It won't give, it's not going to give! It will! When's it going to snap? Keep going! Here comes Bob.
Just do exactly as I say.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! What sort of wimbering's going on here? Beef and me have just broken our legs, haven't we, Beef? Yes.
What?! And how did this even happen? Oh, you're going to think it's stupid.
We were practising dancing on the stairs.
Oh, what have I told you two about fannying about on the stairs? You'll fall and break your legs, and now you have done, haven't you? Yes.
I'll have to do the danceathon on my own now.
Oh Oh, God, you two must be really disappointed.
What a pity.
What an unfortunate time for an avoidable incident to occur on the stairs.
Isn't it, though? I'm absolutely devastated! Well, you must be.
And I'm sorry to have shouted, honestly.
I'll phone an ambulance.
No, no.
Whoa! No need to do that.
Don't be an arsehole.
All we need is some splints, some rest and for you to help us onto the sofa.
Well, OK, then.
I'll get Vic first, if you don't mind, Beef.
Come on, then, Vic.
Careful! Let me help you up.
Put your weight on the good leg.
Careful! Put your leg up to rest on the table.
Yes.
Is it that one, yeah? Sorry? It's nothing.
So, hold on, Beef? Right, these splints.
What do I need for these splints, Beef? Couple of cricket bats and some sellotape.
OK, I'll go up the shops and get that now, OK? And we want some painkillers.
What's good for painkillers? Chocolate buttons! Get a couple of bags of chocolate buttons.
And a couple of Magnums.
All right, Beef.
Oh Have you got any Sugar Puffs? No.
Get some Sugar Puffs.
Have we got any milk? No, I don't think we've got milk.
Then you need to get some milk.
OK, look, I'll tell you what, I think I better make a list.
Right, carry on.
Oh, you finished now, are you? OK, I'll get off and get this stuff, then.
Oh, hey, hang on.
Get me that magazine where you make a skeleton.
Skeleton magazine.
And a scented candle.
Sandalwood.
Can I have some glace cherries for the Babycham? I don't think we've got any Babycham.
Exactly, well, get that on your list as well.
Oh, right, yeah.
And get some brandy snaps and some squirty cream for the interior.
And some meringues and some mini trifles.
Right, you ARE in pain, aren't you? Right, is that your lot, then? Yeah.
OK, I'll go and get this stuff.
Take the list with me.
Hold your horses, little man.
Put the TV on.
Nazi Mega Structures is about to commence.
Ooh! Hey, before you go, darling Yeah? Could you knock us up a cheeseboard, please, with some little carrot batons? Yeah, of course I can.
But, actually, I'd better go up to the shops first cos they're about to shut, Vic, all right? All right, I'll do the food first! Oh, hello.
You must be the terminators.
So happy you're here.
Sick of the sight of him.
He's round the bar, scuttling around.
Apologies for running early.
We're eager to get started.
Good.
Sounds like you enjoy what you do.
Yeah, we love it.
I mean, of course, there's pain involved Oh, yes.
But we smash and destroy everything in our path, like a wrecking ball, and when it's over, we just finish the job and move on.
Oh, very good.
Capiche? Oh, capiche! Yeah, we don't start off all guns blazing.
We take our time, nice and slow at first.
We just enjoy ourselves.
The odd stomp, twist and break and then, after 24 hours, we each present our trademark killer moves Jazzy.
You should see my special move.
It's called the knacker blast.
Right, we're off to Alfred's Gymnasium to limber up.
We'll be there for the danceathon come 6pm.
Oh, lovely, coming back to watch, are you? What are you talking about, sweetheart? We're the fabulous Butcher Boys.
Oh, right! I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.
See you later, sweet pea.
Hey, you know, I reckon we could keep this up for weeks.
I'm going to get him to do my paper round! Good one.
I'm going to make him bake me some petit fours.
Petit fours? Ooh! I'm going to get him to clean out my chimney.
You don't have a chimney.
Hey, guys, you going to do Father's dumb danceathon? No, we're pretending we've broken our leg so we don't have to do it.
Oh, co-o-o-ol.
But it's a shame, cos I have something that could have been of use to you.
What is it, boy? Look at this clip of Strictly Come Dancing.
'Keep dancing.
' If you watch closely, you see Tess is controlling Bruce's dancing with this wire which goes up his trouser leg.
It means he never stops moving.
'Keep dancing!' I miniaturised this device into this remotely controlled suppository that you guys can use in the danceathon.
Wow.
And he can dance forever.
Ja.
Bob's doing it on his own.
Why don't you offer it up to him? No chance! I'm not offering up to that arsehole.
Tell me something, boy Do I disgust you? A bit.
But it's also exciting.
Sugar? Yes, please.
Lovely.
Hi, Julie.
Oh, hiya, Bob.
Hiya! Danceathon! Yeah, baby.
Yeah! Hey, Julie, you haven't got any brandy snaps I could nick off you, have you? No, I don't.
Look, have you got a rifle? Yeah, I've got a rifle to shoot my turtles, yeah.
Oh, yeah, of course.
See, I've just found out I've just been let down by an exterminator.
Oh, wow.
Shh! OK So you see, I've got a rat in the kitchen and I need to get rid of it, needs to be killed right? Gotcha.
Right, ASAP.
So can you help me? Yeah, well, I'll shoot it in the back of the head, won't I? Yes.
Just shoot him in the back of the head, job done.
I'll go and get my rifle.
Yes, bum ting, now, listen You'll dispose of it for me as well, won't you? Yeah, of course.
I'll just bag him up, yeah, and lob him in the skip behind the bookies.
Thank you very much.
You know, you can take a sex off me if you like.
'60s style on the kitchen lino? No, you're all right, Julie.
Thank you, though.
Didn't want any anyway.
I got everything.
I couldn't get any brandy snaps, though.
You fool! You absolute fool! All right, I'm sorry.
Did you get the Sugar Puffs? Yes.
What about my Toblerone? You didn't ask for a Toblerone! Yeah, but I thought it.
What gives with this clown? Jesus.
Look, I'll go and get your food together now, all right? But, Bob, look, I know you've got the danceathon on your own tonight, but can you make the food a priority, please? And I do wish you all the best for tonight.
Yeah, I know you do.
Just let me get on, all right? Yeah, all right, yeah.
I'll have to limber up through here whilst I cook.
Yeah, OK.
Right, there you go, lads.
There's a cheeseboard for you, Vic.
Thanks.
There's your bowl of Sugar Puffs, Beef.
Right, I'm off to the danceathon.
Going to win us all a Welsh motoring holiday, yeah? Yeah! Well, wish us luck, then.
Good luck.
Good luck.
Thank you.
Got to take my rifle with me, as well.
All right, Julie, where is he? What did you do that for? You've broken my leg, Bosh! Yeah, cos she sent you to kill me with your rifle.
What?! Don't be silly! Why would I want to kill you? Bob's here to kill a rat for me.
Oh, what, you mean this one? Oh, Bosh, you're my hero.
I won't be able to do the danceathon now, Bosh! Oh, I am so sorry.
What a fool I have been.
Ladies and gentlemen, unfortunately the Guild Of Dancing Men are unable to perform tonight, so the winners by default are Not so fast! Dancing tonight are the Guild Of Dancing Men with Vic Reeves and his partner, Beef Galore.
Lads, lads, don't do it! What about your broken legs? It's all right, Bob, it doesn't matter.
Turns out it was only wind.
Let the battle commence! Five, six, seven, eight.
Five, six, seven, eight.
Popcorn by Gershon Kingsley '70s POP MUSIC PLAYS Pump Up The Jam by Technotronic Virginia Plain by Roxy Music Oh, it burns! It burns! We Found Love ft Calvin Harris by Rihanna Careless Whisper by George Michael Keep dancing! And the winners are The Guild Of Dancing Men! OK, position it and drop.
Mmm.
Beautiful.
It really helps with the pain.
Beef! Beef! Beef! I'm exhausted.
What is it now? Yeah, erm, I want, like, a Sloppy Joe hot dog with a Weetabix with cold milk and, like, essence of Belgian farm hand, just spreaded over the top of it.
Off you go, Beef, off you go.
Oh, Bob, are you all right? Yeah, you know, so-so, yeah.
I brought you a hot water bottle.
Oh, thank you, that's lovely and warm.
It's lovely and warm.
Where's Vic? Vic? You want Vic? Yeah, I want Vic, yeah.
Vic! Keep dancing! D-d-didn't he do well! # Didn't we have a lovely day? # The day we won the danceathon # But what happens next? # We raise a glass # Give Bob the Vs # And scratch our arse.
#
All right, Vic.
That outfit is incredible.
That outfit is incredible.
Do you like it? Yeah, it's like a doormat Like a matador.
That's what you look like.
Where did you get it from? The pound shop.
The pound shop? The pink pound shop.
Nice.
It's not too flouncy, is it? Not too urgent? Not too busy? Plenty of room on top.
No, it's all of those things, Vic, yet it really suits you.
Yeah, thank you.
It's not too overwhelming, is it? No, it's perfectly whelmed.
Looks lovely.
Thank you.
Not too plumptious? Oh, trust you to concentrate on the plumptiousness of the outfit.
Tell me it's not too plumptious.
Well, I mean, when you bend over When you bend over, I can see a couple of plumps, I've got to be honest, but It's a great outfit and it's perfect for the danceathon.
Good, where did you get your outfit? GET OFF is the main thing.
Yeah, it's a professional dance outfit.
It's from France, it's francais.
It's from the Salon De Dance, yeah.
Yeah, well it's the same supplier, just further down the supply chain.
Who's your favourite dancer, Vic? Have you seen Kevin Bacon? No, but I've seen him fry an egg! Oh, honk-honk! Honk-honk! Ha-ha, honk-honk ho ha! No, seriously though, like, do you like Grease? No, I prefer Spain! Honk-honk! Ha! Ha-ha.
Ha-ha-ha, ha! Honk-honk, you're saying? You're saying honk-honk.
Yeah.
Are you proud of what you've just said, Vic? No.
No.
Do you think you'll be doing it again? Probably.
Probably, yeah.
You're not even moving! Oooh, sometimes! I hit you then, you didn't even shift.
Sometimes! Hey, come on, stop this.
Right, come on, then.
Stop this, let's do some dance moves.
Are you ready, Vic? Yes, I am.
And, go! One! Dance move number one.
Oh, it's good.
What is it, Vic, what is it? Richard llI trying to get into the pantry to get that lovely tin of sardines he's been after all summer.
I like it.
Put it in the book.
It's in the book.
Go.
I like that one.
Oh, I like that.
What's that one? I'm grabbing the wrens and throwing them to Saturn.
Oh, like that dance, I do like that one.
And go.
Here we go.
No, I can't get it.
What's it called, what is it? Running under several hump-backed bridges throughout the Peak District.
I like it, I like it.
Bosh! Get up and get out! Julie, Julie, before you break me, I'd just like to congratulate you on the successful way you've bedded the bistro into the new series.
You twat.
I'm at the end of my tether with you.
Get into the kitchen out of my sight before I rip your knickers off and eat them.
Hello? Yeah, is that the verminator pest controller? Yeah, I've got a rat in my bistro and I need it gone immediately.
Yeah, before anyone finds out, yeah.
No, he's here now.
Yes, I can see him staring at me with his horrible beady little eyes.
Yeah.
Poison?! Oh, no, way too slow.
I need him gone today.
Mm? Wring his neck? Pfft, no, I don't want to touch him, no.
What? Well, can't you just come over and do his head in with a baseball bat? Oh, you can! Oh, what fun.
OK, well, keep it hush-hush, OK? See you later, with your baseball bat.
Love you, bye.
Hello, Bosh! Isn't it Oh, God, isn't it horrible when you're on the phone? Who was that you was talking to, Julie? Wrong number! Ron number, as in Ron Goodman, you know, from # Ron Goodman's Plastics! # That Ron.
I like your board.
Yes, it's the charity danceathon.
The Guild of Dancing Men - that's Bob's team - versus The Butcher Boys.
Last man standing wins.
First prize, Welsh motoring holiday.
Oh, yes.
Second prize, various cleaning products.
And who are these Butcher Boys? The Butcher Boys - three times national danceathon champions.
I haven't met them, but apparently they're a right pack of twats.
Bullies.
Bullies.
But, my God, they got all of the moves, man, innit? I feel sorry for our lads.
I think they're gonna take one hell of a beating.
Really? We're going to have fun, though, aren't we, dear? Oh, yeah, no, we'll have fun if I'm still alive.
Why won't you still be alive? Oh! I don't know do you? Go! Ready to present! One, two, three, four What's it called? What is it? One, two, three, four I'm pointing at The X Factor judges and then backing out of the studio.
Oh, that's tasty! Come on, and go! Here we go.
What about this one? Erm No, what are you calling it? Polishing my belt and pointing at that police helicopter.
Yeah, I like it.
It's quite a package of moves we've got there, Vic.
Yeah.
One more.
One more.
Here we go.
No, we don't want to see that one, all right? All right.
Come on, save some of your energy, you idiot.
Oh, an idiot, am I? Eh? If I was an idiot, would I be able to do this? Next stop, Elephant and Castle! Wow! I wish I could do that.
Be my guest.
Don't cry.
I'm sorry.
Hey, Bob, look.
Who are we up against tonight? Oh, it's just some local lads.
Bu'er Boys, you wouldn't know about that.
You what? It's just some local lads, they call them Butcherboys.
What they called? Local lads, called the Butcher Boys.
Called what? The Butcher Boys.
The BUTCHER Boys! You know, Vic and Bob should have got me on their team.
You know, I've done loads of dancing in my time.
Have you? Yeah, I did all the dancing Extreme Survival.
Yeah, and you know Ross Kemp's Gangs of Namibia? Yeah.
Choreographed the whole thing.
Did you? Oh, yeah.
I'VE DONE 'EM ALL, MATE, Ha-ha! But what I really, really like are the musical movies! Can we do the move from Dirty Dancing? Oh, please say yes or I'll PISS myself.
All right, then.
I'll be Patrick Swayze.
And I'll be the other twat.
OK, go.
Oh, hold on, I meant Flashdance.
Ah-ha! Nice try.
You don't get rid of us that easy.
The Butcher Boys are the best dancers since Fred Astaire and what's her name! Ginger Rogers.
Does she? Honk-honk! Ha-ha, ha-ha-ha! I've done it again, haven't I? # All of my dances Attract the glances # Of the ladies in the parish # When I twiddle my cane It drives them insane # Cos they know it's a metaphor for my # pen-i-i-i-i-s.
# All right, Beef? I love your outfit.
Yes, well, I customised it for the danceathon.
It's made of the night-time.
And I harnessed its blackness and solidified it by using evening glue.
You like my cane? Yes.
Yes.
OK, tip it that way, turn the top and Bovril comes out.
Whoa! Yes, I'm not kidding.
Cracker! Cracker.
Spread it, man.
So, are you ready for the danceathon, Beef? Yes! Yeah.
Who are we dancing against? Tell him, Bob.
The Butcher Boys.
The Butcher Boys?! Don't harm me I'm on.
Shut it.
Well, well, well, if it isn't The Guild Of Dancing Men, or should I say, Needy Bob and his two preening ponces? Got him! Yeah, well, actually, I'm not really that needy actually, am I, Vic? Well I'm not, am I, Beef? I'm not actually that needy, am I? Well Oi, mush, see these legs? They were made for dancing.
Not like your legs - they were made for water aerobics.
You know, where you get the extra support from the water? You really got him there.
He's reeling.
Doesn't know what to say.
Look at his stupid face.
If these legs needed water support, And this one for a bit more because it's, like, a bit longer and thicker.
Longer and thicker Are you? Are you looking at me? Why don't you crawl up my a-hole? Well, I I wouldn't do that because it's all dingy and disgusting and I bet it's like a like a Well, I can't think of anything just now but you can probably imagine the sort of thing I mean.
We've won every danceathon we've ever entered.
Apart from the one in Scarborough.
That was a bloody Kill it! Oh, yeah, and Luton, that was Shut it.
And either way, pipsqueak, you, my little friend Yeah?.
.
Will be on the floor come the end of the night.
See you later.
Get out.
Nice coats, by the way.
You've just been butchered.
Bye-bye! I quit.
They're animals.
There's no way we can win.
No, Beef.
Yeah, he's right, you know.
We'd never be able to hold our heads up in this parish again.
I'm with Beef.
I'm out.
Oh, come on, we've been looking forward to this for ages! Think of that Welsh motoring holiday.
A Welsh odyssey, come on! Balls to the Welsh motoring holiday.
Come on, you're both perfectly fit.
I don't know why you're so worried about the Butcher Boys! Come on! I'm going downstairs to Julie's Bistro.
Why? What for? What? Why are you going there? I've got to give her something, all right? What? What have you got to give her? I'm not giving her something, I need to have a chat to her about something, all right? Why are you going down there? Vic, all right.
I need to move the story on, all right? Yeah.
Yeah.
Why didn't you just say that, then? Well, it didn't help, did it? It's as simple as that.
Such a tit! Do you know what? He's right, though, we are perfectly fit.
I know, but what if we weren't? What, you mean? Yes.
Break each other's legs.
That's brilliant.
But I'll break yours first, just in case I change my mind.
Well All right, so are you two like an item now, then? Yeah.
Oh, there you go.
We just got back from a trip to the hospital.
Oh, there's nothing wrong, is there? No, we were just watching the idiots going in and out of A&E.
Oh, right.
Well, go and serve the customers.
Oh, what, the one with the baseball bat? Oh, yeah, sent a boy to do a man's job, have you? Or is that just a boy dressed as a man? Very clever.
You see, the thing is, Erik, is I've got a feeling Beef and Vic are going to try and pull out of the danceathon tonight, right, so I wondered if you two would be willing to go on standby.
Is it important to you, father? Answer him.
Yeah, yeah, it is important to me, yeah.
Then it's a no.
Excuse me, have you got a toilet? Oh, yeah? You got a luger hiding in the cistern, have you? That's a bit crude! But, yeah, I have, actually.
Have you got plenty of toilet paper? Yeah, it's over there, yeah.
Listen, son.
I know why you've come.
I know what you've been sent to do, but you should know that if you come at me with that bat I will rain down on you like a shit storm.
So finish your croy-sont and get out .
.
yo-o-o-ou little twit.
Boom! It's not going to snap, man! It has to, keep going! It won't give! It must! It won't give, man! Keep going, it's going to snap! It won't give, it's not going to give! It will! When's it going to snap? Keep going! Here comes Bob.
Just do exactly as I say.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! What sort of wimbering's going on here? Beef and me have just broken our legs, haven't we, Beef? Yes.
What?! And how did this even happen? Oh, you're going to think it's stupid.
We were practising dancing on the stairs.
Oh, what have I told you two about fannying about on the stairs? You'll fall and break your legs, and now you have done, haven't you? Yes.
I'll have to do the danceathon on my own now.
Oh Oh, God, you two must be really disappointed.
What a pity.
What an unfortunate time for an avoidable incident to occur on the stairs.
Isn't it, though? I'm absolutely devastated! Well, you must be.
And I'm sorry to have shouted, honestly.
I'll phone an ambulance.
No, no.
Whoa! No need to do that.
Don't be an arsehole.
All we need is some splints, some rest and for you to help us onto the sofa.
Well, OK, then.
I'll get Vic first, if you don't mind, Beef.
Come on, then, Vic.
Careful! Let me help you up.
Put your weight on the good leg.
Careful! Put your leg up to rest on the table.
Yes.
Is it that one, yeah? Sorry? It's nothing.
So, hold on, Beef? Right, these splints.
What do I need for these splints, Beef? Couple of cricket bats and some sellotape.
OK, I'll go up the shops and get that now, OK? And we want some painkillers.
What's good for painkillers? Chocolate buttons! Get a couple of bags of chocolate buttons.
And a couple of Magnums.
All right, Beef.
Oh Have you got any Sugar Puffs? No.
Get some Sugar Puffs.
Have we got any milk? No, I don't think we've got milk.
Then you need to get some milk.
OK, look, I'll tell you what, I think I better make a list.
Right, carry on.
Oh, you finished now, are you? OK, I'll get off and get this stuff, then.
Oh, hey, hang on.
Get me that magazine where you make a skeleton.
Skeleton magazine.
And a scented candle.
Sandalwood.
Can I have some glace cherries for the Babycham? I don't think we've got any Babycham.
Exactly, well, get that on your list as well.
Oh, right, yeah.
And get some brandy snaps and some squirty cream for the interior.
And some meringues and some mini trifles.
Right, you ARE in pain, aren't you? Right, is that your lot, then? Yeah.
OK, I'll go and get this stuff.
Take the list with me.
Hold your horses, little man.
Put the TV on.
Nazi Mega Structures is about to commence.
Ooh! Hey, before you go, darling Yeah? Could you knock us up a cheeseboard, please, with some little carrot batons? Yeah, of course I can.
But, actually, I'd better go up to the shops first cos they're about to shut, Vic, all right? All right, I'll do the food first! Oh, hello.
You must be the terminators.
So happy you're here.
Sick of the sight of him.
He's round the bar, scuttling around.
Apologies for running early.
We're eager to get started.
Good.
Sounds like you enjoy what you do.
Yeah, we love it.
I mean, of course, there's pain involved Oh, yes.
But we smash and destroy everything in our path, like a wrecking ball, and when it's over, we just finish the job and move on.
Oh, very good.
Capiche? Oh, capiche! Yeah, we don't start off all guns blazing.
We take our time, nice and slow at first.
We just enjoy ourselves.
The odd stomp, twist and break and then, after 24 hours, we each present our trademark killer moves Jazzy.
You should see my special move.
It's called the knacker blast.
Right, we're off to Alfred's Gymnasium to limber up.
We'll be there for the danceathon come 6pm.
Oh, lovely, coming back to watch, are you? What are you talking about, sweetheart? We're the fabulous Butcher Boys.
Oh, right! I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.
See you later, sweet pea.
Hey, you know, I reckon we could keep this up for weeks.
I'm going to get him to do my paper round! Good one.
I'm going to make him bake me some petit fours.
Petit fours? Ooh! I'm going to get him to clean out my chimney.
You don't have a chimney.
Hey, guys, you going to do Father's dumb danceathon? No, we're pretending we've broken our leg so we don't have to do it.
Oh, co-o-o-ol.
But it's a shame, cos I have something that could have been of use to you.
What is it, boy? Look at this clip of Strictly Come Dancing.
'Keep dancing.
' If you watch closely, you see Tess is controlling Bruce's dancing with this wire which goes up his trouser leg.
It means he never stops moving.
'Keep dancing!' I miniaturised this device into this remotely controlled suppository that you guys can use in the danceathon.
Wow.
And he can dance forever.
Ja.
Bob's doing it on his own.
Why don't you offer it up to him? No chance! I'm not offering up to that arsehole.
Tell me something, boy Do I disgust you? A bit.
But it's also exciting.
Sugar? Yes, please.
Lovely.
Hi, Julie.
Oh, hiya, Bob.
Hiya! Danceathon! Yeah, baby.
Yeah! Hey, Julie, you haven't got any brandy snaps I could nick off you, have you? No, I don't.
Look, have you got a rifle? Yeah, I've got a rifle to shoot my turtles, yeah.
Oh, yeah, of course.
See, I've just found out I've just been let down by an exterminator.
Oh, wow.
Shh! OK So you see, I've got a rat in the kitchen and I need to get rid of it, needs to be killed right? Gotcha.
Right, ASAP.
So can you help me? Yeah, well, I'll shoot it in the back of the head, won't I? Yes.
Just shoot him in the back of the head, job done.
I'll go and get my rifle.
Yes, bum ting, now, listen You'll dispose of it for me as well, won't you? Yeah, of course.
I'll just bag him up, yeah, and lob him in the skip behind the bookies.
Thank you very much.
You know, you can take a sex off me if you like.
'60s style on the kitchen lino? No, you're all right, Julie.
Thank you, though.
Didn't want any anyway.
I got everything.
I couldn't get any brandy snaps, though.
You fool! You absolute fool! All right, I'm sorry.
Did you get the Sugar Puffs? Yes.
What about my Toblerone? You didn't ask for a Toblerone! Yeah, but I thought it.
What gives with this clown? Jesus.
Look, I'll go and get your food together now, all right? But, Bob, look, I know you've got the danceathon on your own tonight, but can you make the food a priority, please? And I do wish you all the best for tonight.
Yeah, I know you do.
Just let me get on, all right? Yeah, all right, yeah.
I'll have to limber up through here whilst I cook.
Yeah, OK.
Right, there you go, lads.
There's a cheeseboard for you, Vic.
Thanks.
There's your bowl of Sugar Puffs, Beef.
Right, I'm off to the danceathon.
Going to win us all a Welsh motoring holiday, yeah? Yeah! Well, wish us luck, then.
Good luck.
Good luck.
Thank you.
Got to take my rifle with me, as well.
All right, Julie, where is he? What did you do that for? You've broken my leg, Bosh! Yeah, cos she sent you to kill me with your rifle.
What?! Don't be silly! Why would I want to kill you? Bob's here to kill a rat for me.
Oh, what, you mean this one? Oh, Bosh, you're my hero.
I won't be able to do the danceathon now, Bosh! Oh, I am so sorry.
What a fool I have been.
Ladies and gentlemen, unfortunately the Guild Of Dancing Men are unable to perform tonight, so the winners by default are Not so fast! Dancing tonight are the Guild Of Dancing Men with Vic Reeves and his partner, Beef Galore.
Lads, lads, don't do it! What about your broken legs? It's all right, Bob, it doesn't matter.
Turns out it was only wind.
Let the battle commence! Five, six, seven, eight.
Five, six, seven, eight.
Popcorn by Gershon Kingsley '70s POP MUSIC PLAYS Pump Up The Jam by Technotronic Virginia Plain by Roxy Music Oh, it burns! It burns! We Found Love ft Calvin Harris by Rihanna Careless Whisper by George Michael Keep dancing! And the winners are The Guild Of Dancing Men! OK, position it and drop.
Mmm.
Beautiful.
It really helps with the pain.
Beef! Beef! Beef! I'm exhausted.
What is it now? Yeah, erm, I want, like, a Sloppy Joe hot dog with a Weetabix with cold milk and, like, essence of Belgian farm hand, just spreaded over the top of it.
Off you go, Beef, off you go.
Oh, Bob, are you all right? Yeah, you know, so-so, yeah.
I brought you a hot water bottle.
Oh, thank you, that's lovely and warm.
It's lovely and warm.
Where's Vic? Vic? You want Vic? Yeah, I want Vic, yeah.
Vic! Keep dancing! D-d-didn't he do well! # Didn't we have a lovely day? # The day we won the danceathon # But what happens next? # We raise a glass # Give Bob the Vs # And scratch our arse.
#