Housebroken (2021) s01e04 Episode Script

You are coming with me,
pink blazer,
and we are gonna part-ay!
Aah! Jill is leaving us.
We'll starve here.
We'll have to eat Bubbles.
I'm gonna go eat Bubbles.
No, no. This is great.
She's going to board us.
- It'll be like a vacation.
- Ooh, vacation.
How are you enjoying your
peanut butter hot tub, sir?
I requested chunky,
but this will do, I guess.
And would you like
to lick yourself,
or shall I do it for you?
Um, I think I can handle it,
but stay close just in case.
- Yes, sir.
- Good man. A little something for you.
I could use a break from
barking at garbage trucks.
I know it's only once a week,
but there's so much
prep involved.
Oh, this is just
what we need.
It's been a while
since we really talked. Yeah.
Oh, okay. It seems like
we talk all the time.
Yeah, but I mean
really dig deep.
Get in there.
Connect.
Ugh.
Oh, my God.
Is it Thursday already?
Oh, this vacation
could not come soon enough.
So I'm a wreck.
Remember when I bit
my human mother's boyfriend
Randy's toddler Ian?
Well, Ian's mother found out,
and now I have to do a week
of intensive behavioral training
with a human named Brice.
And this gives you pause?
Pun intended.
So what
are you worried about?
Well, I'm particularly worried
about the words "intensive"
and "Brice."
- Is Brice even a name?
- I wonder if I've ever heard it.
Let me think.
Brice. Brice.
Hmm
no.
Look, we may never get
to the bottom
of whether or not Brice is a name.
And that might make us
feel uncomfortable.
And that's why we're here
for each other.
Which reminds me, I'm not going to be
here for any of you
for the next few days,
'cause Chief and I
are being boarded.
- But I need you.
- Wedding planning is extremely stressful.
I'm physically uncomfortable
almost all the time.
I can run group.
I can run group.
- Oh, no.
- Why not?
Remember when she tried
to lead the exorcism
on that sugar glider?
The power of Christ
compels you.
The power of Christ compels you.
Aah!
Get it off! Help!
Oh, yeah.
Let's let her do it.
We could use the laugh.
Well, you wouldn't
be able to meet here.
We can meet in the backyard.
Having therapy outside has been
proven to be beneficial probably.
Well, you guys are
totally welcome to get together
outside the house
and not call it therapy.
And if our outside session
turns therapeutic in nature,
you won't be here.
So there's nothing
you can do about it.
Will you two just kiss
and get it over with?
- What's happening?
- Oh, Chief's got the zoomies.
He's excited about our vacation.
- Ooh, zoomies.
- Oh, I love zoomies.
Zoomies!
Zoomies! Zoomies!
Zoomies. That's fun.
You know what else is fun?
Talking about our problems.
Diablo
- It's amazing.
- Hold on tight, Tchotch.
Ya-hoo!
Miss you already.
Oh, my God.
It's paradise.
What should we pee on first?
Well, can we pee on stuff
after we talk?
Look at that mud.
I don't know whether
to roll in it or eat it.
Wait, I don't have to choose.
Ha! I'm on vacation.
Okay.
This guy knows how to party.
This is better than peanut butter.
And it's chunky.
Okay, yeah. Um, I'm
I'm gonna sniff around
on my own, then.
- Old friend.
- Diablo.
- This is where you're training?
- Oh, yeah.
And see that 5'3" hunk
of charisma over there?
That's Brice, and I love him.
Turns out I love intensity, too.
- What a shift.
- Right?
All I have to do is exactly
what Brice tells me to,
and I get a treat.
Sit. Paw. Down. Sit. Paw. Down.
Crane kick.
And then it's treat,
treat, treat, treat,
treat, crane kick.
Oh, it's the best.
- Carter, enh-enh.
- Wow.
Carter just got red-collared.
Spank him!
You got the wrong dog.
That's how they mark the bad dogs.
I won't get one, though,
because I'm a mean,
green obedience machine.
So how's your vacation
with Chief?
Are you guys getting
some quality time?
Hey, how's it going?
Oh, don't worry.
It's not diarrhea.
It's "excitarrhea."
He's getting some energy and
some other things out right now.
But after that,
super-romantic weekend.
Wow. Do you smell that?
That love is strong.
- Hey, Diablo.
- What's up, Big D.
You know them?
Who doesn't?
Rutabaga and Juliet?
They are legends at this place.
Haven't you seen
their Puppy Love Calendar?
Are they as happy as they look?
Those vanillas?
Probably.
- Wonder what their secret is.
- Wait, did you hear that?
Sometimes
Brice whispers commands.
It's him.
Brice be praised!
Welcome to Elsa's group.
You are all thrilled to be here.
You should know, I use a
different modality than Honey.
Talking is great, but
it can only take you so far.
- But we're still allowed to talk?
- Yes, Chico.
Now, if we could keep any dumb
questions to a minimum,
I have to fix you all
before Honey gets back.
Great. I don't know if this
is a dumb question,
but I feel very bloated right
now, like I ate something
that's still alive and
it's moving through my body.
You got to kill it
before you eat it.
Okay.
Let's take turns speaking.
Stelios set up
Instagram account for Kit Kat.
I am not in any of the pictures.
- Is like I'm ghost in my own home.
- A ghost, huh?
Makes sense, because
you've been haunting my dream.
I'm okay.
Blech. The last time
he took a picture of me
was three months ago when
I napped on a bag of carrots.
He was laughing at me.
It was hot out.
The carrots were cold.
What was funny?
Tabitha, nothing is funny
about your life right now.
You've been forgotten. You need
to remind them that you exist.
- How?
- Run away.
Don't do it, mama.
You are not made for the streets.
They need to experience
how empty their lives are without you.
And only then will you be
truly appreciated.
Who's next?
The Gray One.
You've tried the rest.
Now try the vest.
Well, my life
is actually pretty good.
Really? Hmm.
'Cause I would think that
the unrequited love you feel
for Tabitha would be debilitating.
What?
No, I flirt with everybody.
- You never flirted with me.
- That's not true.
You know I just want to bat you
around until you're dead.
Shel, you might have cold
blood, but you're a hot stud.
- Chico, uh, yes, please.
- Aw.
Max, I'll take half
a pound thinly sliced.
Tchotchke rhymes
with "crotchky."
Okay, stop. You live
in a house with 40 cats.
One of them is bound to not be
completely repulsed by you.
Whoa, I don't like to crap
where I eat.
I mean, I do.
I just don't like to boink
where I crap and I eat,
although I do that, too.
All right, you know what?
- You've given me a lot to think about.
- Me too.
Goodbye, Daddy.
Goodbye, Brett.
Please enjoy stepping on my
farewell present in bare feet.
Oh, my God! Chrissy Teigen
is following Kit Kat.
She follow everyone.
You guys are great.
- Uh, hi.
- I'm Honey.
I'm Rutabaga. This is Juliet.
Oh, I know who you are.
But I haven't been
asking about you
or sniffing your tinkle spots
or anything creepy like that.
- You here alone?
- Yes. No.
I'm with that, uh, big hunk
of a Saint Bernard over there.
Oh, chill out, hose.
I'm trying to help you.
- Chief?
- Oh, he's a barrel of monkeys.
Oh, so many monkeys.
Do you guys want to have dinner
with us tonight?
We'd love to.
Ha! Jinx.
We always do that.
And we always do that.
Jinx.
Yes, jinx. Exactly.
Oh, my God. Yeah, great.
Okay, see you then. Jinx.
No? Okay. Bye.
Ugh, I just wish you'd cleaned up.
Well, I wish you had
rolled in the mud.
It was the perfect ratio
of water to dirt
- to mystery substance. It even
- Shh.
I mean, you keep
saying you want to talk, so
No, there's Rutabaga and Juliet.
Chief!
I'm laughing
because they can see us.
But I'm really peeved right now.
Chief-inator.
Honey bunny.
Rudy Juli Ani.
Sorry. I'm so excited
we're doing this.
Hopefully you like my cooking.
You know what
I learned today?
- Um, Brice is 5'3".
- Is that tall?
- Oh, I don't know.
- Oh, I love that guy.
Today he threw a ball,
so I ran after it.
Then he threw it again,
so I ran after it.
And then Diablo peed
on Brice's shoe and said,
"We're not looking for a third."
So how did you two mutts meet?
- You tell it.
- No. You tell it.
- You tell it.
- Someone tell it!
We were puppies
at the same shelter.
And the moment we locked eyes
That was it.
Ever gotten shocked
by an electric fence?
- It's like that but good.
- It was love at first scent.
The people there saw
that we had a connection.
So they made us a bonded pair
and made sure
we got adopted together.
And ours will be the last faces
we see when we die
at the exact same moment.
What else have I seen them in?
And here we are.
Wait, you weren't placed
together randomly?
You chose each other?
That happens?
- I've never heard of that happening.
- Yeah. Pretty mind-blowing stuff.
How'd you two meet?
- Exactly the same way.
- No, we didn't.
Jill adopted me first,
then one day she found
Chief eating garbage outside
of a feminist strip club
and brought him home,
and I've been falling asleep
to the sound of his farts ever since.
That's a sweet story.
Jinx.
You chose each other.
Ah, food is here.
Well, that was lovely. Bye.
Hon, you got something there.
Oh, you've got something.
Ah, Chief will get mine later.
That was fun last night.
Oh, yeah.
I wanted to ask you something.
Um
Ugh, ooh, what was it?
Do you think the fact
that you two chose each other
- makes you happier dogs?
- I don't like to talk about it
because other dogs
can get so jealous.
Oh, no, no.
No, I'm I'm not jealous.
I'm curious. I'm a therapist.
I can't I have to.
Okay.
Um, can I be brutally honest?
- Oh, yes. Be brutal.
- Every day with Rutabaga is amazing.
Ah. Wait, so you never get
frustrated or want your own space
or want to run away
with a wild animal,
I mean, you know, for example,
like, a coyote,
sniff each other's butts on
a hill overlooking a freeway?
No, we don't like to be apart
for too long.
- Not like you and Chief.
- This bitch.
So it doesn't ever concern you
that you chose each other
while your brains
were still developing?
- I knew it. You are jealous.
- No. No.
It just seems like
you didn't get a chance
to cultivate your own personalities
before you became a bonded pair.
Oh, Honey,
I know what's going on here.
When was the last time
you and Chief jinxed?
What?
Um, first of all, that's private.
And, secondly, go jinx yourself!
Here we are again
at Elsa and Friends,
the most psychologically
beneficial thera
Oh, no.
Loud Afternoon Man is coming.
Everybody panic!
We need to get into
Jill's house, but how?
- How?
- You can't, but the handyman can.
- Hmm?
- I'm gonna unlock the doggy door.
- Right.
- Oh.
Got ya.
Hey, Rutabaga and Juliet
just canceled our plans.
We were gonna dig
a tunnel to Petco.
Was it something I said?
I mean, you know that's my
worst fear
- that and the mirror dog.
- No. Chief, it was something she said.
And then it was something I said.
Ah
Okay.
- Wait, what?
- I told her to go jinx herself.
- Honey, there are puppies here.
- Oh, she's just so smug.
She thinks everyone
is jealous of her.
Why would anyone be jealous
of her? She's a beagle.
All that, you know, "chose
each other, perfect partner" BS.
- What's the difference?
- In one scenario,
you get to choose the dog
you spend your life with.
And in the other, someone
finds them eating
day-old mac and cheese
out of a sequined sports bra,
- and you're stuck with them.
- "Stuck with"?
Is that is that
how you feel about us?
What?
No. I mean, not really.
- Sometimes.
- "Sometimes"?
- You've got a big mouth, Honey.
- Excuse me?
- Wait, so it does matter.
- Stop sniffing around
our relationship
and start sniffing your own,
because it smells
and not in a good way.
The way our relationship smells
is none of your business!
Oh, no, you don't.
Hey, hey, hey.
That's it, red collar.
At least now
you're not stuck with me.
Oh, for jinx sake.
That was an exciting start.
I'm looking forward to hearing
- how I've improved all of your lives.
- Actually, mine's worse.
Thought I had
the house to myself.
Beat it, Scuba Steve.
Could you just keep
your voice down?
You promised me I'd see a
live pig. Now, where is it?
Hey, Gray One.
We're in here.
That is not a pig.
That is just a fat cat.
Well, Elsa,
I took your advice and realized
I was surrounded by quality tail.
So this is my new girlfriend.
She's got toxoplasmosis.
Everything he is saying is true.
Yeah. I've had my eye
on her for weeks,
but finally got the nerve
to talk to her
when we were drinking
out of the same ashtray.
It was a real meet cute.
Scab in my mouth.
And is that when you
asked her to pretend
- to be your girlfriend?
- Watch it, dude.
- This is a real relationship.
- Save it. Tabitha is not even here.
- Wait, where is she?
- Maybe she actually ran away.
What? Why?
Oh, y-you know what?
Good for her.
Elsa, I have this pain that
keeps on coming and going.
They're pretty spaced out,
but they're getting closer
together and then more intense.
- But I-I think I should go home.
- No, Chico, you don't burn
calories by running away
from your feelings.
Really, anything that gets you
heart rate up is beneficial.
Oh, oh, now it's back.
Just take a deep breath in
and push that discomfort out.
Ow, ooh.
Upside you do look a little
thinner than you did last time.
Maybe that's because
this just came out of me.
- Ew.
- Whoa!
What is happening?
- It's a little wet cat.
- Okay, no more guests.
It appears we're witnessing
the miracle of mammalian birth.
Well, it must be a
misunderstanding, says this guy.
- Mama.
- Don't worry, little guy. We'll find her.
You're the mama.
He just fell out of your gobbler.
- Oh, my stomach still hurts.
- Lie on your side.
- I've done this a million times.
- No, no, no, I, uh
I think I'm okay now.
And there are three more.
- Mazel tov.
- Put them back.
- W-w-what should I do?
- Donate the first one.
The first one is always bad.
- I'll eat the first one.
- Get out.
What am I gonna tell Kevin?
He's not ready to be a father.
He made that very clear
when he broke up with Dana.
It's fine. This is fine.
It's fine.
I didn't know there was fresh fish.
- Scabby, no.
- Scuba Steve, help!
You guys are ruining this for me!
Get her back in the bowl!
Delete my search history.
- Mmm.
- She's mine!
Okay, we did it.
Everything is fine now.
What is it, Tchotch?
There's a kitten in the fishbowl?
- Whoops.
- Get her back!
Folks, there's no good time to say it.
For those of you who were
invited to the wedding,
there will be no plus-ones.
Diablo, I have to
Is that a biscuit?
Oh, yes. Brice says this is
supposed to increase my willpower.
Do you think our relationship
is dysfunctional?
- Yes. Listen, I need to find Chief.
- That's impossible.
Once they've been red-collared,
they are in lockdown.
They only dogs he's gonna see
are the other red collars.
Hmm.
Just three more minutes, little
man, and that treat is all yours.
Enh-enh, no, no, no!
Get him! Get him!
Rip his gorgeous calves off!
- Hey, lovely lady.
- You like hot spots?
I can smell your ears.
Hey.
Looks like we have
matching collars.
How on earth
are they gonna tell us apart?
Honey, I don't know
what you're doing here,
but this is no place for you,
and don't count on me
to protect you,
because I don't want to.
- Chief, please talk to me.
- I tried to talk to you about mud,
playing fetch with Brice,
and other kinds of mud.
But all you wanted to talk
about was Juliet and Rutabaga.
Uh, excuse me.
Are you the Honey?
I'm kind of in the middle
of something.
- No, it's okay. We're done.
- I heard what you did to Brice.
Would it be okay
if I sniffed your butt?
Make it quick.
Oh, never sniff your heroes.
Well, I guess I should get
used to the slammer.
These walls are all I'm going
to be seeing for a long time.
There are my bad dogs!
Oh, no!
Let's get you out of here.
Oh, it's good to be back
and see everyone.
Elsa, how did your fake therapy
session go?
- Ha!
- He's right.
It was very fun, but we
want to hear about you.
- Ha!
- Uh, no.
It seems like
there's more to tell here.
For instance, why is Chico
nursing eight kittens?
Oh, because if I stop,
my milk supply goes down.
And there you have it.
So tell us
about your weekend, Honey.
Chico, is there any more
you want to say?
Well, I feel
a lot less bloated now,
but I don't like that
everyone saw my gobbler.
Elsa's session was the most
entertaining train wreck
- I've ever witnessed.
- It was chaos.
And I lived through
the Summer of Sam.
Uh, who's this?
I'm the Gray One's
girlfriend, the Scabby One.
- You must be the pig.
- It's true.
I'm in a healthy,
fulfilling relationship.
- Tabitha's still not here!
- Ah, damn it!
- What is this place?
- You can't go in there, you know.
They only take cats
that need homes.
So if they see that,
they are gonna send you
right back where you came from.
- My collar?
- It's such a hard decision.
Does she return to her home
where the no-hair bears
have a new number-one favorite
- Or does she go
- Stop talking. Take the collar.
Have fun.
If it makes you feel any better,
these last couple days
were a bummer for me, too.
Chief and I just couldn't connect.
And then we went to jail.
I'm still kind of adjusting
to life on the outside.
None of them understand
how hard it is to be perfect.
Well, maybe we don't
understand how hard it is
for them to live up to
our unrealistic expectations.
"Unrealistic"?
What are you supposed to do
chase balls and roll around
in the mud?
That's actually a great idea.
Elsa, thank you.
You're welcome.
I helped Honey.
And there's nobody here to see it.
I saw it, not impressed.
Chiefy, look what I found.
Come on in.
The water's disgusting.
- How disgusting?
- Well, it's the perfect ratio of water
- to dirt to mystery substance.
- Okay.
Move over, princess.
Whoo-hoo!
- Honey, I'm stuck.
- Me too.
Chief, are you
having "excitarrhea"?
Hello? I'm ready to receive
treats and strokings.
You, you're not doing it right.
- Doing what?
- Everything.
I'm Chartreuse.
I can show you the ropes.
They're over there,
and they're mine.
- So keep your filthy paws off 'em.
- I play what I want.
I found your cat.
Where's my reward?
Meow.