Housebroken (2021) s01e08 Episode Script

1
So, my mom, my dad,
and my Randy are
gonna end joint custody
and let a meaty gator
decide who gets me!
Hm.
[munching]
Do you mean mediator?
- And if so, they tend to be human.
- Oh, that's a relief.
If Clooney ever kicks Amal
to the curb,
I know who I'd get to live with.
I mean, Georgie boy literally
built a Max statue in his backyard
and commissioned Dave Matthews
to write a song about me.
[singing gibberish]
At least I think it was about me.
If you're done bragging,
I have a share. [chuckles]
Turns out Ella B wanted
to take me home from school
so Sophie R didn't get me.
- [chuckling] Classic Ella B.
- You know Ella B?
She's the youngest human
in my household.
Nibbles has joined
the Bronson menagerie
and we are cohabitating.
- Shel?
- Nibbles?
You never told us you
live with other animals.
Look, I come here to talk about me.
Oh, there are other animals!
I'm stuck in the basement
between a snake
and a mouse that won't shut up!
Let's set some ground rules
right up top. No secrets.
I'm gonna share everything
that comes into my head.
You share everything
that comes into yours.
I know what you're thinking. You're
gonna get a lot of cheese talk.
But guess what?
I'm also a student of history.
Did you know during the
crusades, they would age cheese
- in the skulls of heretics?
- Ah, cheese.
My uncle once dated
a wheel of parmesan.
Of course,
after their wedding night,
she looked more like Swiss.
[chuckles]
[upbeat rock music]
[musical barking]
#
[musical oinking]
[musical meowing]
#
[animals vocalizing together]
#
Breakfast!
M-larf, m-larf, m-larf, m-larf.
[chuckles uncomfortably]
Chief, is it, um, is it possible, um
cool if it's not um, for you
to eat without m-larf-ing?
Are you looking for
a more traditional num-num?
Num, num, num, num, num,
num, num, num, num
You know what? I'm gonna save
my breakfast for lunch.
Num, num, num, num,
num, num, num, num, num.
[soft dramatic music]
#
[sighs]
Looking for moi?
[dreamy electric guitar music]
Oh, hi. No, I was just
no, I was looking for my, um,
this, um, pinecone!
[chuckles]
[mouth full] Found it!
[chuckles]
Come on. I watch you every
day scanning the trees
Ants!
Ah.
- So you, uh, watch me every day?
- Not in a creepy way.
More of a sniff-where-you-
just-peed kinda way.
Aw
[sneezes] Stupid ants.
My pack is moving to Altadena.
I want you to come with.
What?
We barely know each other.
Oh, I'm sorry.
[chuckles]
Let me give you
my butt backstory.
[energetic '80s music]
#
[howling]
Dude!
[shouting in fright]
#
Merry Christmas, kid.
Whoa
That is wild.
You deserve more than this
humdrum suburban existence.
Oh, it's not all humdrum.
Take a whiff.
[pleasant waltz]
#
[laughing]
#
[horn honking]
#
So, you know, I can get crazy, too.
Although I've only poked
a bear metaphorically.
Run away with me, Honey.
Let me show you
what's behind those trees.
I mean, it's mostly more trees.
- But behind those
- Okay.
I mean, okay, no.
I can't run away with you.
I becau you're kidding!
And I took you seriously.
[laughs]
But wait, are you serious?
- I am serious, Honey.
- How do you know my name?
Honey!
Honey!
I got into it
with the trashcan again.
Altadena.
[dreamy electric guitar music]
Num, num, num.
[scarfing loudly]
[cats meowing]
Ugh!
Look at the story my body tell.
I was replaced by a new kitten,
ran away, was traumatized
at a cat café, and now I
am here with greasy coat.
Which reminds me, Gray One,
I never thank you for taking me in.
- Oh, that was "the thank you."
- I'll kill you!
What the hell,
Hates The Gray One One?
[grunts]
[light orchestral music]
Now we are even.
[gasps] Look.
- Is that
- Max?
[soft upbeat music]
Well, Nibbles, you're certainly
looking more rested today.
Because I finally got
a decent night's sleep!
When I got back home yesterday,
Lenny wasn't inside his cage.
He was inside the snake!
Poor bastard kept talking
about food,
never realizing he was food.
[cackling]
- What?
- Oh, no, nothing.
You're just a monster.
But that's why we're here.
Honey, do your stuff.
Is it possible you're
using humor to deflect?
Oh yeah, that
that is what I'm doing.
I really loved Lenny
and I wish he wasn't dead.
[chuckles]
Okay. I feel like I
should be reporting this
but I don't know to whom.
So Diablo,
how did your mediation go?
Terrible.
The mediator decided
I should choose which parent
to live with,
so he's gonna put me
in between the two of them
- and see who I go to.
- Ugh. Alligators.
I mean, there's no rules
at my dad's house.
It's a non-stop party.
And even though my mom's
got tons of rules,
I find her boundaries and
routine strangely reassuring.
Ooh, yeah, that sounds tough.
And yet, I still think the
choice is pretty obvious.
On the one paw, sure,
you've got a fun,
care-free existence where
you can
take off your collar,
dance naked in the moonlight
and give in
to your carnal desires
exploring the feral passion, raw
Uh, I'm uncomfortable and would
like to get to the other paw.
On the other paw,
you have structure, stability,
and the knowledge that happiness
comes from within, not Altadena.
Sorry we're late.
But check out what we found
at our house.
Wait a minute. "Our" house?
What's going
Tabitha's living
with The Gray One?
Ooh! Fun.
I'd watch that show!
[chuckles] Oh, this is rich!
First Miss Pretty Kitty Litter
and now this?
- Are you done?
- I haven't seen a tumble
this bad since JLaw ate it when
I tripped her at the Oscars.
[hisses]
- Easy, Tabs.
- Remember the no claws clause.
Hey, nice spread. Me and
Georgie are lookin' snazzy.
[gasps] Oh, my God.
It says you died.
What? Get outta here.
I live in a third grade
classroom most of the year.
R.I.P. stands
for "Really Is Dead."
- The P is silent.
- What?! No, no, no, no, no, no.
I mean, I'm obviously alive.
I'm sitting here talking to you guys.
Right? Right?
Either that or you're a ghost.
- [paw slaps]
- Ow!
- Not a ghost.
- Maybe we are victims of long con.
He might be an imposter.
- An impigster, if you will.
- Oh, I definitely will!
An imposter?
Please.
I live in George Clooney's mansion.
And, sure, George spends most
of his time in England lately,
but we've had lots
of great times together.
We've had chicken fights
with Tobey Mags!
We drank out of the Stanley Cup.
We even went to a celebrity
roast of my Uncle Charlie!
This must be some sort of prank.
- Prove it.
- Well, prank or not,
this really seems like it's bringing up
some emotions for you.
Whoever you are.
And coming up on the right,
you'll see an autographed
poster for "Ocean's Twelve."
C.Z. Jones is my godmother.
And here we have the Hall of Fame.
Hmm. Something
in this picture is not right.
What are you talking about?
Wait, what's that?
Right there on his leg?
Is that a [gasps]
that's a birthmark!
- You don't have that.
- It's the same with all of them.
Look. Birthmark.
Birthmark. Birthmark!
But but I remember being
all these places.
Do you remember any parties
besides these?
Of course!
I mean,
I went to Gwyneth Paltrow's
- vagina's birthday party!
- Buddy.
[horror movie music]
I I dont I don't
#
[groaning frightfully]
Holy hell.
[groans]
I want to be alone!
Please!
Maybe we should follow him?
Come, I want to scratch my
back on People Choice Award.
Oh, God! Oh, God!
Is my whole life a lie?
This can't be happening!
Wait a second.
This isn't a statue.
This is a tombstone.
R.I.P.
I really is dead.
Who am I?!
Do you hear that wailing?
I think that's Max.
- He doesn't sound sure.
- Tabs, come on.
I know he's not your favorite pig,
but we should probably
go check on him.
Or, you could join me in the
[water splashes]
Huh.
What does this button do?
- It is nice, right?
- Whoa.
So relaxing.
- What?
- What?
[soft upbeat music]
[dogs barking]
It's all about leverage.
You got this, Peanut!
- Oh, hey, Honey.
- Diablo? Is that you?
- In the fur.
- Doesn't your mom send you
to obedience school
in the afternoon?
Not anymore because
I. Chose. My. Dad.
And he no longer
has to compromise on my look.
- What?
- That's right.
And I am having the time of my life!
Yep, I barked at a tree all night,
I humped a loaf of bread,
and I can eat candy
whenever I want.
No momma to check my poo-poo!
- Twix?
- No, thank you.
I can't eat chocolate.
And neither should you. [chuckles]
No dog should.
- And, Honey, I owe it all to you.
- What? No. No, no.
I said you should choose stability.
Wow, then we totally got
our signals crossed.
[pleasant music]
Well, I'm gonna take
this mushy tushy
and see what we can score
at the ice cream truck.
[grunts]
Nice and quiet.
Time for a nap.
- Hello?
- Lenny?
Impossible. Lenny's dead.
I know you think I'm dead
because Sprinkles ate me.
But I can assure you,
due to the snake's agonizingly
slow digestive process,
I am very much alive.
Okay. Well then, um,
if you could keep it down.
What? Are you kidding me?
You gotta get me outta here!
Whether Lenny lives or dies
is entirely up to you.
- God?
- [clears throat] Excuse me.
No. It's just your ol' pal, Shel
[munching]
Chomping on a discarded
ice cream cone
reminding you that
you talked a big game
about wanting to save Lenny
in group this morning.
And now you have the chance
to bring him back!
Character is what you do
when nobody is watching.
- You're watching!
- [chuckles] Touché.
It's also what you do
when somebody is watching.
And you're not gonna shut up
unless I try, huh?
Nope. And, as I'm sure you've
heard around the garden,
I've got stamina.
Everything smells like vomit
in here,
which is making me want
to vomit.
[retches]
Now I'm vomiting.
Inside a snake.
It's a hellscape.
Ugh.
- [soft downbeat music]
- I can't believe it.
I'm Max, but I'm not "the Max."
- So you finally figured it out.
- Who are you?
Doug Ross.
Doctor Doug Ross.
How did you get in here?
Well, my human jumped the fence
and I was along for the ride.
She's Clooney's biggest stalker.
She's in the mansion right now.
I didn't know George had cats.
Am I slipping?
Oh! You're with Marybeth.
She's a nice lady.
Aw, chins up, kid, it's not that bad.
You were a gift.
When the original Max passed away,
Clooney was heartbroken,
so Don Cheadle gave you
to Clooney as a replacement.
So all my memories
aren't really mine?
But my sky-high self-esteem
came from me
believing I was better
than everyone else.
You know,
because I was a celebrity.
[sobbing] And now,
I'm just a stand-in.
Oh hey,
if it's any consolation,
Marybeth is plotting to kidnap you.
[soft upbeat music]
And then Diablo
just m-larf-ed a snow cone
right out of a toddler's hand
and all his human dad said was,
"That's mah boy."
Oh-ho. Legend.
No, no, no, Chief.
Not legend.
Reckless and irresponsible.
- Was his tail wagging?
- Oh, like Jill's hips
when she listens
to up-tempo Indigo Girls.
Well, that means he's happy!
- There ain't nothing wrong with that.
- Um, no, no, no, no.
Tail-wagging is actually way
more nuanced than that.
For example, if a tail wags to
the left, it indicates concern.
If it wags to the right,
it indicates curiosity.
Either way, Diablo's eventually
going to have to pay the piper.
So?
People pay pipers all the time.
I mean, how else
do pipers stay in business?
Look, I think I know
what's really goin' on here.
You're jealous of Diablo.
- You want what he's got.
- [sighs] Oh, no.
[chuckles] No, I don't have
the face for sunglasses.
No, I mean, quit being so tame.
Live in the moment.
Eat a Q-tip once in a while,
nap on a table,
steal Jill's Invisalign.
But if that's what you're into,
you are gonna have to wait.
[sparking chimes]
[chuckles]
[snoring]
[pensive folk guitar music]
#
There he is.
How you doin', big guy?
Honestly, this
is the worst day of my life.
#
Party's over, Dave.
Go home.
- Aw.
- Poor pig.
He is down.
Now I can destroy him.
- What?
- What? He is joker.
Now it's Tabitha's turn
to make the mean ha-ha.
You know, Tabitha?
Under all that beautiful fur,
you're a real ugly cat.
#
Uh, excuse me,
have you seen a naked woman
- with a "Syriana" tote bag?
- In the kitchen. Licking all the fruit.
[soft upbeat music]
[downbeat notes]
I hope you're happy.
You left the house without me
this morning
and your lady chose me
as "cat of the day."
What do you say ♪
who's cat of the day? ♪
It's you! ♪
When I was kitten,
I wanted to be a scientist.
Couldn't happen to a nicer cat.
Well, it looks like everyone is here.
Well, except Diablo,
who's probably enjoying
a chocolate-covered chicken
bone in a motorcycle sidecar.
You know who else is
enjoying himself? Lenny!
- Lenny is still alive?
- I saved him.
Only after I Jiminy Cricketed her.
See, I learned
from my third grade class
that reptiles can only digest
stuff in a warm environment.
If it's cold, they'll throw up,
so I needed to make it freezing.
To get to the thermostat, I
jumped onto an old trampoline.
Did you just miss the
trampoline? [laughs]
Then I decided
to break the thermostat
by throwing a golf ball at it.
[grunts]
[yelps]
Sounds like a golf ball
just hit you in the face.
[chuckles]
Classic.
[straining]
[screaming]
- [laughter]
- I love slapstick.
- Is that Shel? Hey, Shel!
- Hey, Lenny!
[dramatic music]
And I eventually made things cold.
[retching]
Sprinkles puked and out flew Lenny.
Stuck the landing!
[vomits]
It's all true.
Young lady, you should be
very proud of yourself.
- Thanks a lot, Shel.
- Well, let's not fall completely
in love with ourselves.
- Ew, ew! What is that?
- It's Lenny!
Oh, yeah.
He follows me everywhere now
because he's half-digested
and needs someone
to help him blink.
[sighs]
That's the stuff.
- Ugh.
- All right, I'll bring it up
since everyone else
is obviously afraid to.
Turns out I'm not the one
and only Max.
I'm his replacement.
- What?
- There are two Maxes?
Ah, you're a replacement
pet just like Bubbles.
- What?
- Yep. So if anyone wants to make
jokes, the floor is open.
Tabs, I know you must
be chompin' at the bit.
- Um
- Really? Nothing?
Ah, let me help get you started:
Anyone order some imitation bacon?
- Or how about
- Okay!
At least you still got
your owner's attention.
Trust me, Max, it's way
better to be replacement pet
- than one who is replaced.
- Yeah!
And think about how much you
must've cost Don Cheadle,
traveling the world
trying to find a dead ringer
for the original Max.
I mean, you're probably the
most expensive pig in history.
Thanks, guys. I'm feelin'
better than you again already.
I don't think we should
measure our worth in money.
Spoken like a true rescue.
Whoo!
Sorry I'm late!
I was at the vet's.
I had to get my stomach pumped.
A-ha!
I was right!
I was right!
[chuckles]
- Which brings me no joy.
- But still, totally worth it!
I'd eat that tube of Preppy H
all over again.
What? So you've learned
nothing from this?
Oh, I learned something.
I learned that rules are
made by humans who just want
to keep their vet bills
low and their carpets clean!
But guess what?
We're animals, y'all!
If it feels good, do it.
If it feels bad, do it again.
Dance party!
Elsa, break it down!
- Why am I panting?
- Max, enjoy the view.
[dance music]
Feels good to be half-alive!
Dance me, Nibbles!
Huh.
#
# Yeah #
[snoring]
I don't know.
Are bell-bottoms really me?
[distant howling]
Okay, Honey.
Let's go wild.
[suspenseful music]
[upbeat '80s music]
#
[exhales deeply]
[music slowing down]
- You ready?
- No. No, I'm not.
Ah. I thought I was,
but I'm not an animal.
I mean, I'm an
I am an animal,
but I'm also a pet.
Obedience and belly rubs
are in my DNA.
I don't understand.
My voice is so deep and seductive.
I mean, I can make
anything sound sexy.
- Grandparent's Day.
- Ooh.
No, no. Running off with you
sounds dangerous and fun,
but my life is here, Armando.
Oh, yeah, I didn't know your
name, so I named you Armando.
- I like it.
- Oh, good. [chuckles]
Um, but my life is here,
Armando,
with the person and animals I love.
- Armando.
- Okay. [chuckles]
- But you're lying to yourself.
- [chuckles] Says Armando.
When you were talking about
running away with me,
your tail was wagging.
In fact, it's wagging right now.
Ooh!
Ugh!
Okay, well, you know,
tail-wagging's actually
way more nuanced than that.
I know all about tail-wagging.
If a tail wags to the left,
it indicates concern.
If it wags to the right
- Curiosity.
- Curiosity.
And a tail wagging that fast?
That's downright ecstat
Stop it!
Just leave me alone!
Armando.
[sighs]
All right, you were not
very helpful back there.
Ah, don't get cute with me.
That's it, you're going down!
[grunting]
You can do it, Honey!
Vary your speed!
Thank you for teaching me
to be compassionate to fat pig.
[purring]
What do you say ♪
Who's cat of the day ♪
[cats yowling]
What do you say,
who's cat of the day? ♪
Oh, thank God.
That was so close.
[gasps]
[horror movie music]
It's you!
- [carpet rips]
- [screaming]
[muffled screaming]
[gasps]
Guys!
There's so much popcorn
down there! Come on!
[upbeat music]