Housebroken (2021) s02e09 Episode Script

1
[upbeat rock music]
Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪
Ruff, ruff, ruff,
ruff, ruff, ruff ♪
♪
Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪
Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff,
ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪
Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪
- Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪
- Meow, meow, meow, meow ♪
- Ruff, ruff ♪
- Meow, meow ♪
- Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪
- Meow, meow, meow, meow ♪
- Ruff, ruff, ruff ♪
- Meow, meow, meow ♪
- Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪
- Meow, meow, meow, meow ♪
[music crescendos]
♪
[snores] Kevin, Kevin, Kevin,
Kevin, Kevin, Kevin.
[snores] Kevin, Kevin, Kevin
[vacuum whirs]
[screeches]
Oh, Edith, it's just you.
[meows]
That's weird.
Where's the pile
of paper plates in the sink?
And crusty laundry mountain?
And why is the toilet flushed?
[razor humming]
What is happening?
Where did all your fur go?!
And he keeps telling me
that Friday is going to be
the most important day of our
lives. What does it all mean?
Buddy, the flowers?
The clean apartment?
- The shaved rub-a-dub?
- Bit soon for a recap.
It's yours and Kevin's anniversary.
Oh, my gosh, you're right.
It probably has been
however long a year is
since Dana left me at Kevin's
and Kevin was too spiteful
to return me to her.
What do I get him?
I always forget,
is one year paper or a dead rat?
Blech. All cats know
rat is apology gift.
- Birds are anniversary gift.
- But what kind of bird?
- It has to be perfect.
- Tabitha, you like to shop.
Maybe you could help Chico
find a bird.
I can catch a bird on my own.
I just have to find the hive
and take out the queen.
Ugh, this is going to be disaster
of the most boring proportions,
but I will allow you
to be helped by me.
I find bird, you kill it.
Limited time offer.
Take the deal! Take it!
Ugh, I'd kill to keep my Kevin.
No. Kevin is mine.
You can't have him.
No, no, no, no.
My special someone.
Her name is Sophie B.
A tween angel from my classroom
who only eats her boogers
when she's stressed.
She took me home
for the long weekend
and it's been amazing.
I gotta get you nice and clean
for your date to the ball.
I'm going to ball?
And I have a date?
- Ta-da.
- Holy cow!
But it's all gonna end tomorrow
when she takes me back to school.
- And that means one thing, loneliness.
- If you're so lonely,
why do you keep eating
your mates' faces?
Because I'm complicated!
That's why I'm here.
I just don't want my time
with Sophie B. to end.
Well, I can't believe
I'm saying this,
but longer isn't always better.
Mine and Darla's river
of liquid love has run dry.
'Tis better to have
short-lived passion
than watch your romance
grow old and wither.
Cherish it while it's still moist.
Don't listen to him.
Romance doesn't have to wither.
Chief and I have been married
for six years.
And aside from the one time
I ran away with a coyote and
Okay, wait,
you think you're married?
I don't think we're married.
I know we're married. See?
By that logic,
you're also Batman and Robin.
[dramatic musical flourish]
Just because Jill dressed you up
in that unflattering
flammable costume,
doesn't mean
you have to limit yourself
to that failed human construct.
We're not limiting ourselves.
You know my motto, "No limits."
- What else would we be doing?
- Playing with other dogs.
Or tortoises. Think about it.
We've played with other dogs,
but we prefer
playing with each other.
Because you think you have to.
But now you can play with other
dogs and don't have to pretend
you prefer to play with Chief
or he with you.
- I'll just let that sit there.
- Okay, everyone out.
[funky music]
[chomping]
So what do you think?
Well, it's a lot to process.
- We're not Batman and Robin?
- No, the other part.
What do you think about not
behaving like we're married?
Would you wanna play
with other dogs,
take ol' Honey-bee
out of the equation?
- Who's ol' Honey-bee?
- Me. Look, does that sound
- like something you'd wanna do?
- I don't know.
Is it something you'd wanna do?
Well, it's not not something I
wouldn't not think about not doing.
- Same.
- Oh. So we're on the same page.
No limits.
[chuckles weakly]
♪
Hello, Boring Cat.
Sorry I'm late.
I did not want to come earlier.
- Over here.
- Oh.
- Hello, Boring Cat.
- Shh-shh-shh.
I found the perfect bird for Kevin.
Ugh, no.
Pigeons are first-thought.
Wow, that was my first thought.
- You're good at this.
- I am good at everything.
Especially montages. Hit it!
♪
[whimpers]
[geese honking]
[growls]
[eagle shrieks]
Aah!
♪
Well, here we are.
We're off-leash, baby.
[chuckles]
Now that we're not married,
I finish all my statements
with "baby."
- Baby.
- Okay, so how do we start?
Just pick a dog
you want to play with
and have more fun
than you've ever had with me.
Well, that'll be easy.
[laughs]
Hey there.
I see you're all by yourself.
- Dog parks, huh? [chuckles]
- Uh-huh.
Great job, Honey.
"Dog parks, huh?"
- Idiot.
- Right-o, right-o, right-o.
Hey, don't worry about her, man.
A rejection is just someone
not wantin' to be with you.
They call me Flapjack.
May I?
Sure. But just so you know,
I'm out of practice.
[sniffs]
- You don't smell out of practice.
- Wow. [giggles]
I don't know about all that.
I did take a bath two months ago.
- Uh, may I?
- You wanna sniff it,
you gotta catch it.
Chase me.
[collar jingling]
[chuckles]
Bye, bitch.
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
[Nibbles humming]
Dude, make a move.
I'm a sure thing.
Sophie, we're gonna be late
for school.
Go get that gerbil!
[gasps]
Oh, no. Already?
I can't go back there.
And I'm a hamster!
Do better!
[dramatic music]
[grunting]
Mom, I can't find Nibbles!
But we can't say we lost her.
Just stop at the pet store
and get a replacement.
Yes!
Good idea.
They all look alike.
Wow.
And then we
played tug-of-war.
And we wrestled.
And there was this whole thing
with a ball.
And, I mean,
I've chased before,
but I've never played
chase before.
But, okay, I've been going
on and on.
- Did you meet anyone?
- Actually, I met this awesome dog
and maybe had
even more fun than you did.
Okay, it's not a competition.
The important thing is
that we had our own separate
wonderful experiences with
two completely different dogs.
Right-o, right-o, right-o.
Did somebody order
a stack o' Jack?
[together] Flapjack!
You know Flapjack?
That's the dog
I was telling you about.
That's the dog
you were telling me about?
Yes!
Oh, no.
Surprise!
You two were having
so much fun at the park
with this little guy,
I figured one more dog
might fill the void in my soul.
[chuckles]
I didn't realize
you two knew each other.
This is kind of weird that we both
played with you and had no idea.
And now all three of us
are together baby.
So how does this work?
Do we take turns playing with him?
Which one of us
pees on ourself submissively
in a situation like this?
Guys, we don't need to have
our separate fun.
This order of Flapjack
is for the table.
[Chief panting]
Switch.
Yeah. [laughs]
[upbeat music]
♪
[all laughing]
[dog barking]
[screams]
Aah!
[all chuckling]
- Whoa.
- Whoo-hoo.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
[both grunt]
Mama, it happened again!
[all laugh]
♪
Okay, here we go. Day two.
Have you lost weight?
Oh. Well, you look terrible.
- Did you sleep last night?
- [sighs] Only for ten hours.
I was tossing and turning
all night.
Even if we do find the right
bird, I still have to catch it.
It's not gonna just volunteer
to die.
- I volunteer to die.
- What? Why?
Ever since my one true love
was ripped from my wings,
I don't want to be alive anymore.
You heard him.
Chomp down on that dirty bird.
♪
[snoring]
- Aah!
- Laundry, laundry, laundry.
All I do is laundry.
I used to be a city planner.
[gasps] Aah! Oh, my God.
It's that gross gerbil.
Gross hamster!
- Aah! Ew, ew.
- [grunting]
Oh, God.
[train whistle toots]
[dramatic music]
[squeals, grunts]
Ha, ha. I'm never going
back to that school.
Later, loser.
Oh, nuts.
[upbeat music]
Ooh, I am Boring Cat.
I say I want to kill bird,
but then I do not kill bird
even though bird
want me to kill bird.
That is Chico.
That's why I do voice.
Tabitha's Chico
makes some good points.
How are we still talking
about this?
It's a bird. Kill it.
[menacing music]
Right-o, right-o, right-o.
[chuckles]
Aren't we all just sniffin'
along on our own journeys here?
- What?
- Maybe if you didn't ask
so many questions, you
wouldn't need so many answers.
Okay, well, I think we should
show the bird some grace.
I mean, who are we to decide
who lives and dies, right, Stan?
Woe! My heart rend in two,
I long for mercy,
a swift death,
for it is in the quietude
- of the everlasting slumber
- Oh, my God, I take it back.
Kill the winged rat.
Do it now!
Look, just because
you lost your love
doesn't mean you should give up on life.
Kevin and I thought
we were in love with Dana
until she broke
both our hearts.
And now look at us. One year
later and happier than ever.
I found my Kevin.
You can too.
Ahh serum of truth
hitting my ear's taste buds.
I've heard enough. I shall
live and acquire a new love.
Why, there's one now.
I'm coming to you, beloved.
[thud]
ALL: Yeah!
And the crazy carousel
of life continues.
Was Jill painting in an
unventilated room with you again?
No, no, no.
[chuckles]
No, it's just the new dog
Chief and I are playin' with, Flapjack.
His name's Flapjack.
Flap-jack.
Wait, wait, wait.
The Flapjack?
They say there's no flap
he can't jack.
As someone who's danced
the three-legged tango,
I'm not sure a couple of vanillas
like you and Chief know
how to travel that rocky road.
Please. Chief and I have
never been more simpatico.
We're just havin'
some innocent fun.
So much fun, in fact,
that I'm reminded
how little fun
I'm having right now.
Honey-bee gotta fly
like a bird.
But not that bird. [chuckles]
Too soon. No, I dig it.
[collar jingles]
Well, what are we gonna do?
We can't bring it
back to the school now.
We already gave them
that other one.
Ethan's right.
Just take me back to Sophie.
She's my destiny!
[squeals, grunts]
[car horn blaring]
[loud crash]
Karma!
♪
[crickets chirping]
What up, dawgz,
with an unconventional Z?
We've had a three-dog day,
what say we have
a three-dog night?
That's what's up
if you two are down.
Well, uh, these ears
ain't gonna lick themselves.
Uh, is this what's up?
I just thought we were gonna
chew on a slipper.
But I'm game if you're game.
Are you game?
Well, I want to if you want to.
Well, I don't not want to,
if you don't want to
not want to.
- If you want not
- Right-o, right-o, right-o then.
Everyone wants to.
[grunts]
Let Flapjack be your guide.
[sultry music]
[giggles]
Right-o, right-o, right-o ♪
♪
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Right-o, right-o, right-o ♪
♪
Somebody order
a stack of Jack?
♪
Everyone wants one.
♪
[snoring]
Right-o, right-o, right-o
[snoring]
So it looked like
you were having fun last night.
Well, it looked like
you were having fun.
Oh.
I'm surprised you noticed.
You were so deep
in Flapjack's ear.
Well, I was just
in there looking for you.
Really? Because it seemed
like you were having
a lot of fun with Flapjack
like more fun
than you ever had with me.
Wasn't that the whole point?
You told me to have fun
without you.
But then I had more fun
without you with you,
- so what's the problem?
- The problem is,
is that I wanted you to say
that you couldn't possibly
have more fun without me.
But you didn't,
and now we're in a thruppie!
I thought
that's what you wanted!
That's the last thing I wanted.
Well, how was I
supposed to know that?
I can't read your butt!
[grunts]
[objects clatter]
[ominous music]
♪
[creature snarls]
[whimpers]
Oh.
[screaming]
[adventurous music]
You're not from
around here, are you?
You saved my life.
Thank you.
- I'm Nibbles.
- Illinois James.
[sighs]
Are you my new special someone?
Probably. Let's ride.
Whoa!
[melancholy music]
♪
[sighs]
Chief, I'm sorry.
Elsa got in my head
and made me question
how we define our relationship.
Are we married?
Are we not married?
And if we aren't,
what does that mean?
Will we still be buried
next to each other
in the backyard when we die?
Also, what is death?
I just wanna move forward,
but I don't know how.
Me too.
Are you also stuck in the wall?
No, I'm-I'm talking
about our relationship.
But have you tried
going backwards?
Yes! I do want to go
backwards to the way we were,
the dynamic duo
fighting crime
and looking great in tights.
Yeah, I was actually talking
about the wall this time.
- [growls]
- Ow!
So what does this mean?
Are we married?
I don't know,
but we're a pack of two.
And we were happily each
other's favorite playmate
until I created a problem.
And now that problem lives here
and expertly licks our ears.
Don't worry, babe.
I'll get rid of him.
Flapjack.
[tense music]
Honey's got something to tell you.
I'm sorry,
but this isn't working out.
You're right,
oh, right-o, right-o.
Well, lucky for you,
I know just how to fix it.
Problem was,
you only had one Flapjack.
What you needed
was a whole stack.
[whistles]
[dogs barking]
Boom-chicka-bow-wow ♪
[sultry music]
Bunch of random dogs
convening in the backyard,
licking ears,
it's a regular thing
not weird at all.
Holy earholes, Batman.
How do we fix this?
Well, Robin,
there's only one way
to scare off these horndogs.
[dramatic musical flourish]
- What the hell was that?
- No idea.
To the Shel Cave!
♪
Thank you for your sacrifice.
[door opens]
Oh, he's here.
I can't wait for Kevin
to realize I'm worth loving.
- Hide.
- Oh, Kevin.
Oh, you're so hot.
You're so hot.
- Dana?
- Isn't this romantic, babe?
Us getting back together
on our anniversary?
Shh, don't ruin it.
All this anniversary stuff
was for Dana?
It was never about me.
Ooh, plot twist.
Thank God.
[pensive music]
Where am I?
What's going on?
Oh, my God, Stan's alive?
[both shrieking]
Kevin!
Kevin, get it out!
Get it out, Kevin!
What the hell is that?
Oh, my God, oh, my God!
It got in my hair!
Do something!
Oh! Oh, my God!
- Ah! Get it! Get it! Get it!
- Ugh.
My psychic told me you'd never
defend me against a bird.
That is a good psychic.
Second chance at life
here I come!
[thud]
[groans]
Ugh. I ruined everything.
You got him
the perfect gift, Chico.
Sending boho bitch packing,
ultimate twist.
You're right, Tabitha.
[grunting]
- [purrs]
- You know what, dude?
We're better off without her.
Thanks, buddy.
Not a total waste of day.
Happy ending
for overweight traffic cone,
and bird is finally dead.
This iceberg lettuce is delicious.
Do you do you want a bite?
Or
I'm having the same thing.
Ugh!
I can't do this.
I'm eating in my room tonight.
- Knock, knock.
- Shel, we have company.
Oh, thank God.
Shel, Darla,
what if I told you
I could spice up
your old, withered sex life?
Unless you're offering
to reignite our passion
with a backyard packed with
horny dogs who can bear witness
to a dual tortoise
taboo-busting erotic carnival,
then we're not interested.
I guess I'm about to embark
on the greatest adventure of all
- falling in love with you.
- Oh, Illinois.
[hawk shrieks]
- Ah!
- Sorry! I'm complicated!
Hawks!
Why'd it have to be hawks?
[adventurous music]
[bell rings]
[sighs]
[funky music]
I guess this is my destiny,
to live alone in a cage
at an underperforming
elementary school.
- Oh. You must be my replacement.
- I'm 2.0, ho.
- They worked out the bugs.
- Ooh, spicy.
Maybe you're my new
special someone.
She's going for the face!
Oh, my God, there's two of them.
We can't keep them both.
I'll take Nibbles!
We have a special bond.
It's happening.
I'm finally getting my original
special someone back!
It's my destiny
No!
I'm the real Nibbles!
Take me!
I'm glad I urinated
in your sock drawer!
Hey, Honey Bunches of Love
and Chief.
Hope you don't mind we started
the party without you.
No, not at all.
We actually brought friends.
Right-o.
Add them to the stack.
Come on, Darla.
Let's teach these doggies
how to do it tortoise style.
[ominous music]
Show no mercy.
What's happening?
Choo-choo, Shel.
[sultry music]
Oh, no, no, no, no.
- Woo-hoo-hoo!
- Ooh!
[dogs groaning]
My eyes!
Spin me.
Oh, well, that ain't right.
Oh, Shel and Darla are back!
- That was disgusting.
- So gross!
Why do I always end up
in the splash zone?
Well, folks,
this Jack has been flapped.
I think I'm gonna go away for a while.
Chief, he's gone. We did it!
And they're still doing it.
- We might have to move.
- Chupacabra!
I know we rescued him, but
it feels like he rescued us.
I know. You keep saying that.
Oh, look at him
having a sweet dream.
He's probably
running in a meadow
or frolicking on the seashore.
[menacing music]
♪
Come join us, tortoise style.
[cackles]
Munch on my lettuce.
[cackles]
No, no.
Help me. Someone help me!
- Should we wake him up?
- No. Let him sleep.