How Do You Want Me? (1998) s01e02 Episode Script
Floppy, But Not Too Floppy
(Cock crowing) What's that all about, cocks crowing? I don't know.
So is it true when the when the egg comes out of the chicken it's all soft, âÂ" and the shell hardens when it hits the air? âÂ" Mmm.
That kind of knowledge should be more widely available.
Well, start telling a few people.
Your dad, I think your dad has started a whispering campaign against me.
âÂ" MmâÂ"hm? âÂ" Yeah.
Putting it about that I'm a crappy photographer.
Oh, don't be ridiculous.
Oh, well, maybe.
He's angry with you.
I know that, yeah.
But why? Well, you married me, for a start.
You don't take him seriously.
People in the village take him seriously.
He's used to it.
I've had a go at that.
I'm not doing it again.
Why don't you and Dad just slap your penises down on the table and sort it out? Yeah, thanks for the image.
I won't ask you to hop up on the table with my mother and some vegetables.
âÂ" You know what I mean.
âÂ" I need the business, you know.
I can't go under before I've started.
I mean, then what am I going to do? Count cowpats? You've just got to get out more.
You know, put yourself about.
You must be glad you came back from London.
Yes.
And glad I went away.
Ah, the gift of cheerfulness.
In my experience, children mistrust cheerful people.
âÂ" UhâÂ"huh? âÂ" They see happiness as weakness.
âÂ" Oh.
âÂ" Hello.
âÂ" Hello.
âÂ" Hi.
âÂ" Headmaster, you've not met my husband, Ian.
âÂ" How are you doing? âÂ" Nice to meet you.
âÂ" Hello.
It's a lovely school you have here.
It's a picturesque school.
Do we think that's the same thing? ErmI was wanting to talk to you about the school photo.
I believe they're due to be We use Mr Webb.
I'm sort of the new Mr Webb.
I took over his business, so I was hoping âÂ" You'll have a portfolio you can show me then.
âÂ" Oh, yes.
Portfolio.
I'll bring it in.
âÂ" Why don't you bring it in? âÂ" I will.
I'll bring it in.
You'll bring it in, will you? (Ian ) Cannot be this complicated.
''fogging, focus, slave unit.
'' Do you have a slave unit? What about ''snap'' and ''cheese''? ''Anamorphic?'' No, too many syllables.
You're just a box.
Darkroom, my darkroom! String, pegs Let's do it.
Page one.
That's too many words.
Oh, no.
Mr Webb, come back.
(Groaning) First of all, the man and woman have to love each other very, very much.
And then the man puts his seed into the woman, and the seed and the egg go together and that turns into a baby.
âÂ" Does it hurt? âÂ" No.
âÂ" Where does he get his seeds? âÂ" The man already has the seeds inside of him.
âÂ" Does that hurt? âÂ" No.
âÂ" Hi, Joe.
âÂ" Hi.
âÂ" Hi.
âÂ" I've left the crepe paper in the cupboard.
Thanks, Derek.
âÂ" I'd just like to say how great it is you're back.
âÂ" Thank you.
Erm I missed you.
âÂ" Do you want to go and play? âÂ" No.
Go on.
Go and play.
No.
Stop trying to pull her tooth out, Gemma.
It will come out when it's ready.
(Lisa ) Why does she do that? Animals.
That one's ermnot very good.
âÂ" What's this? âÂ" It's of Paris in the 1950s.
I had to evoke the atmosphere ofthe 1950s.
(Sniffing) It's not in focus.
It was a very weird time, the 1950s.
Hmm.
If I let you photograph my schoolchildren, I trust you'll limit yourself to evoking Snowle Primary School in the 1990s.
Yes, that'd be the effect I'd want.
âÂ" What's this? âÂ" The American actress, Pamela Anderson.
âÂ" I've seen her in the newspaper.
âÂ" Yes, it was a press conference.
It was very tricky because of the redefused revelation.
You had to have special polarity, special emulsion.
And this is all your work, is it? Oh, yes.
Yes, yes, yes, it is.
Have you taken school photographs before? Not specifically, but I've always loved children.
It wouldn't be necessary for you to love them.
âÂ" Well, I will award you the contract.
âÂ" Oh, goody.
I mean, thank you, Headmaster.
But don't expect me to appear in your photograph.
Oh, why not? Don't you agree you should? It'll be No, perhaps not.
I'll Thank you.
Good.
I'll just take these back to the monastery.
âÂ" I love the colour of your window.
âÂ" Did you know orange is the new brown? âÂ" Really? âÂ" Yeah.
âÂ" Wow! Oh, sheep! âÂ" Yes, it's my spring look.
I thought lots of daffodils and duckies and bunnies.
Great.
You could do with some new mannequins, though.
âÂ" What's wrong with them? âÂ" Yours looks like Myra Hindley.
Yeah, she does a bit.
I sometimes put her hands up, so you can't see her face.
âÂ" This is good.
âÂ" Oh, thanks.
Hmm.
I'd say it's floppy, but not too floppy.
Have you seen But that depends on your definition of floppy.
âÂ" Hello.
âÂ" Oh, hi.
Hi.
I can't talk to you at school and I can't ring you at home, so Hi, Derek.
Let me sell you a blouse for your mum.
âÂ" No, thank you.
âÂ" Or some pants.
For you.
Some panties.
Are you sure? OK.
Oh, right.
I've got some crop tops to sort out.
See you later.
I'm sorry, Lisa.
Working with you again, it's just opened up all this Don't you think we should talk about this somewhere a bit more private? Me and Ian have been together for some time now.
âÂ" So were we.
âÂ" Yeah, but you've got to put that behind you.
âÂ" I'm not gonna give up hope.
âÂ" You have to.
Lisa, there's There's just no generosity in him.
There is.
Honestly.
He's He's just under a bit of pressure.
Derek I'm married to Ian.
We love each other and we're staying together.
Let's try it on, shall we? I think we'll use the one at the back.
(Startled gasp) âÂ" Morning.
âÂ" Morning.
Now This is where you take your snaps.
âÂ" Have you come to commission a portrait? âÂ" No.
I know what I look like.
Business? âÂ" Flourishing.
âÂ" Really? âÂ" So what's it like when business is quiet? âÂ" I don't know.
It's never been quiet.
âÂ" I've come to make you a business proposal.
âÂ" Oh? I'm going to give you ã20,000 to divorce my daughter and leave the village.
What? I'm giving you ã20,000 to get out of our lives.
I get the impression you don't consider me your ideal sonâÂ"inâÂ"law.
No.
I consider you a piece of shit.
Well, you can sit on the fence as much as you like, but The devil will scrub the sneer off your face.
I'm sorry, I didn't realise you were completely mad.
Well, all right, OK.
Let's do it, I'll go.
Yeah, OK.
Good.
But there are other conditions.
âÂ" I want your red pickâÂ"up truck.
âÂ" What? âÂ" Your red pickâÂ"up truck.
I want it.
âÂ" No, you can't have it.
Then the deal's off.
I'm not going.
All right, have it.
And the big bush in your front garden with the purple leaves.
Why? I like it.
It's nice.
I want you to send it to me in a special big bush box.
âÂ" I'm glad you find this amusing.
âÂ" Well, I can do you amusement or rage.
You'll never amount to anything down here.
Nobody gets anywhere without my patronage.
Ah, yes.
The great patrons.
Cosimo de' Medici, King Ludwig II of Bavaria, Catherine the Great.
And Astley Yardley, West Sussex turkey farmer.
ã20,000.
Come and see me when you've realised it's a good idea.
ToodleâÂ"oo.
âÂ" I bumped into Derek in Helen's shop today.
âÂ" UhâÂ"huh.
âÂ" He's still quite keen on me, you know.
âÂ" Why wouldn't he be? I don't know how to put him off.
Well, it's difficult, isn't it, all the âÂ" Are you all right? âÂ" Yeah.
It's not like you to miss making fun of an exâÂ"boyfriend.
Mmm, I'm fine.
Aren't you going to mock our provincial headlines? Ooh! ''Village hall officially damp.
'' Erm ''Health centre gets muchâÂ"needed turning circle.
'' âÂ" Honey, what's the matter? âÂ" Nothing.
âÂ" You're jealous, aren't you? âÂ" No, I'm not.
âÂ" I only mentioned Derek, not for any âÂ" Lisa, I've got tons of stuff on my mind.
Jealousy's the last thing I'm thinking about.
Well, maybe it shouldn't be.
Me and Derek were quite an item, you know.
Well, give him a ring or whatever.
Just don't bang on about it all the time.
I'm going for a crescent shape here.
Do you think you could get into a crescent? A crescent shape.
A crescent.
I want you to If you could just âÂ" How do I look? âÂ" The opposite of beautifully understated? âÂ" Oh! âÂ" Oh, you look wonderful.
Oh.
Hey, we're on in a minute.
I know.
How's he doing out there? That's it.
Come in.
Don't worry about the smiling.
Come in.
Little girl! Little girl with the hair, go back.
Back in.
You've upset the whole cosmology here.
Get in.
All right, thank you.
And spread out again.
âÂ" Shouldn't we be helping him a bit? âÂ" No.
I'm sure we used to help Mr Webb.
Oh, God, plurals.
I never did plurals.
Don't do that.
You're in a parabola now.
That's no good, it's been done.
People don't want to see that.
Can you just A crescent, sort of.
Please! What do people do when their husbands are at war with their parentsâÂ"inâÂ"law? You want to be worried if they get on! You can't screw a bloke properly if he's spent all tea time grinning at your parents.
âÂ" I can't make it any simpler than that.
âÂ" (Kids laugh) What are you doing? Don't.
âÂ" If he's not careful, this is going to split us up.
âÂ" They'll sort it out.
Get somebody All right Little chap there, could you take your hands out of your pockets, please? Thank you.
(Sneezing) (Laughter) Could someone wipe her nose, please? It's got stuff coming out of it.
OK, thanks.
And you with the stickyâÂ"out ears, can you not move around? (Laughter) I mean angled ears.
Nicely angled ears.
Like a little rabbit that's very well behaved.
And I thinkwhat we'll do What we'll do is separate Lisa and Derek.
That's what we'll do.
Can't have the teachers wanting to be naughty with the other teachers, can we, boys and girls? (Children gasp in fear) OK, that is better.
That's much better.
OK, everybody, hold that.
Hold that.
Until I say ''relax'', OK? (Gales of laughter) And relax.
(Door closes ) I'm sorry.
Hmm.
âÂ" It's your favourite thing.
âÂ" Tea? That was a really mean thing to do to Derek.
âÂ" And me, actually.
âÂ" I know.
I'm sorry.
I'm really sorry.
âÂ" It's not easy for him, you know.
âÂ" No, I know.
Poor old Derek, the heap, coping with his presence every day.
âÂ" Being with himself all that time âÂ" I don't know what's got into you.
âÂ" You won't even look me in the face any more.
âÂ" I do, I look.
I'm looking.
âÂ" Don't be silly.
âÂ" It's difficult here, harder than I thought.
âÂ" I don't have any money, I miss my friends.
âÂ" What friends? The gang, you know, the old gang.
The gang? You did not have a gang.
I took the same bus every day.
I knew the faces.
âÂ" So we'll find you a gang down here.
âÂ" I don't want a gang down here.
People eat off such big plates and they all go to the market.
(CD) # I wanna see your smiling face before the new day begins # Hey, anyway, you know that, erm You know that big group photograph, the school one? It's very difficult to choose the right one to show anybody.
âÂ" Why? âÂ" Well, you know, it's just There are There are none.
Oh! I ruined the negative.
Bugger! I have to retake it.
âÂ" What? âÂ" (CD stops ) âÂ" Ian? âÂ" What? What? Ian, will you come here? âÂ" What? âÂ" What do you mean? I have to retake it.
No, Norriswood won't let you retake it.
Make him.
Make him.
âÂ" Hmph.
Duh! âÂ" (Music restarts ) Hi.
(Norriswood) Come in.
âÂ" Hello, Headmaster.
âÂ" Hello.
I bumped into Lynn, the temporary lollipop lady.
She said that Neil Blake was abusive to her.
âÂ" What did he call her? âÂ" ''Witch'' or ''Lollipop witch''.
Well, I'm already seeing his mother.
I'll I'll have words.
Thank you.
And Ian would rather like to take the group photo again.
âÂ" I don't see why not, do you? âÂ" Yes.
They lost enough of their schooling the first time.
If he hasn't done the job properly, he can pay another photographer to do the work again.
So it's not so much the time you begrudge, it's the principle? It's just because he's so good that he wants to do it again.
âÂ" He's an artist.
âÂ" Well, we'll settle for bad art this time.
What am I doing? I'm wasting her time, is what I'm doing.
Calm down.
Calm down.
Do some paperwork.
No paper.
No work.
No work, no paper.
No paperwork.
No business.
No business.
Oh, hello.
Is Astley around, do you know? Mr Yardley? Those birds are very relaxed, aren't they? (Loud squawking) âÂ" How are the turkeys? âÂ" They get by.
I read in a book that the shell only hardens when it comes into contact with the air.
I've come to accept the offer.
Good.
âÂ" But 20,000 isn't enough.
âÂ" What do you have in mind? âÂ" 50.
âÂ" That's too much.
You can afford it.
25 now and 25 after I've gone.
15,000 now and 15 later.
Look, this is the saddest day of my life.
I'm not horse trading over Lisa.
âÂ" 20,000 now, 20 after I've gone.
âÂ" 0K.
Would this Would this all be better if I was English? Would you like me then? I can be English, you know.
(Slightly less Irish) Tiffin! Where's my tissues? What's the gooseberry situation? I want you to sign something saying you'll be gone by the end of the month.
I'm not signing anything.
And I'm not going anywhere until I get the cash.
âÂ" You're a piece of crap.
âÂ" Yeah! What would this would do to Lisa if she knew? I'm doing it for her.
You two would have split up anyway, as you know.
I'm just trying to save us all some wasted years.
âÂ" These are much better.
âÂ" I'm really pleased.
I'm glad you like them.
âÂ" Oh, the hands swivel.
Look! âÂ" Oh, great! You don't think they look a little bitsurprised? âÂ" I'm more worried about the nipples.
âÂ" Oh.
I think I'm gonna pay Dean to file them down.
That weird guy from the garage would do it for free.
Oh, Lisa, don't! âÂ" How's Ian? âÂ" A bit gloomy.
âÂ" Oh.
âÂ" No, he just feels like I did, living in London.
âÂ" What? A little bit snuffy? âÂ" No, paranoid.
âÂ" Oh, why? âÂ" He feels cut off.
âÂ" Sorry, Lisa.
âÂ" That's all right.
âÂ" Do you always put pants on your dummies? âÂ" Jill feels more comfortable if they wear them.
Now, Lisa, you don't have to listen to what I'm going to say.
What? âÂ" I've heard this rumour.
It's just a rumour.
âÂ" What? âÂ" That Dad's offered Ian moneyto leave you.
âÂ" That's ridiculous.
I know.
I know it is.
I know.
I Who starts these things? I mean, that's really wicked.
I know, I know.
And apparently, Ian's thinking about it.
But âÂ" Shut up, Helen.
That's horrible! âÂ" I know.
I'm just I'm sorry.
âÂ" I'm all cross now.
âÂ" I shouldn't have said anything.
Hug me.
Could you all move back a little bit? If you get back into a straight line.
Melanie, remember to look forward when it's time to take the picture.
âÂ" Were you all there before? âÂ" Tall people at the back? âÂ" Good.
âÂ" Yeah.
âÂ" Thanks for helping me out.
âÂ" That's OK.
âÂ" Where's the headmaster gone? âÂ" Gone to investigate a minibus.
Oh, right.
Tuck your shirt in.
I'm still finding my feet in the community.
I know you're Yeah.
OK, the little redâÂ"haired girl, you were standing next to the other redâÂ"hairedâÂ"girl.
âÂ" So can you go back for me? âÂ" But I don't want to stand next to Claire.
âÂ" Go back.
That's where you were the last time.
âÂ" But I don't want to stand next to Claire.
God Almighty! Hang on a second.
Here.
Polo mints.
A bit dusty, but they're all right.
You go on.
That's it.
I don't want to stand next to Zoë! No.
Wait a minute, wait.
Come here.
Wait, hang on.
ErI don't have any more.
I don't have any more sweets.
Go get a dolly or a horse.
I was I was standing on the other side.
Shut your face.
(Coins clinking) Forget about the money.
There'll be more money later.
Just get back in the photograph.
Look, the next child who moves will receivea punishment.
Mmm, goody! Boys and girls, I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry, you've been subjected to time wasting of this kind.
Mrs Lyons, will you come out here, please? âÂ" Look âÂ" Be quiet! âÂ" Go to your classroom.
âÂ" Yes, sir.
Hello.
Do you want to count it? OK.
One.
Not the bag, the money.
No.
If you're not out of here by the end of the month, I'll make sure Lisa knows you took the money.
Really? âÂ" Well, I'd love to chat.
âÂ" So, everyone has their price.
Don't forget my van and my bush.
(Derek ) I know you don't want to believe it.
(Lisa ) Of course I don't.
Look, I know people at the bank.
Look at me.
Your father withdrew ã20,000 in cash and took it round to Ian, and he's agreed to leave you.
I'm just sorry it had to be me to tell you.
No, you're not.
âÂ" What's going on, Ian? âÂ" Nothing.
Oh, this? This is just your dad giving some money to charity.
They're not his favourites, but there you go.
What? Five grand to the Ramblers' Association, two hundred quid for the Lib Dems, and I think ten grand to the Beard Museum in Leeds would be quite good.
We know how much he likes beards and Liberals.
I thought you were going to leave me.
Why would I do that? I'm going to stay in this turkeyâÂ"plucking privetâÂ"poncing pit until people stop annoying us.
My dad's going to kill you, you know.
âÂ" No, I mean it.
âÂ" Oh.
Life was so much easier before I met you.
âÂ" Was it this much fun? âÂ" It was more fun, actually.
Fun gives you wrinkles.
You get a furry tongue and the house smells They can paint the blackest picture of you They can hate everything that you do They can crush you under heel But nothing will change the way I feel Love's the only thing that's real Nothing will change the way I feel Love's the only thing that's real
So is it true when the when the egg comes out of the chicken it's all soft, âÂ" and the shell hardens when it hits the air? âÂ" Mmm.
That kind of knowledge should be more widely available.
Well, start telling a few people.
Your dad, I think your dad has started a whispering campaign against me.
âÂ" MmâÂ"hm? âÂ" Yeah.
Putting it about that I'm a crappy photographer.
Oh, don't be ridiculous.
Oh, well, maybe.
He's angry with you.
I know that, yeah.
But why? Well, you married me, for a start.
You don't take him seriously.
People in the village take him seriously.
He's used to it.
I've had a go at that.
I'm not doing it again.
Why don't you and Dad just slap your penises down on the table and sort it out? Yeah, thanks for the image.
I won't ask you to hop up on the table with my mother and some vegetables.
âÂ" You know what I mean.
âÂ" I need the business, you know.
I can't go under before I've started.
I mean, then what am I going to do? Count cowpats? You've just got to get out more.
You know, put yourself about.
You must be glad you came back from London.
Yes.
And glad I went away.
Ah, the gift of cheerfulness.
In my experience, children mistrust cheerful people.
âÂ" UhâÂ"huh? âÂ" They see happiness as weakness.
âÂ" Oh.
âÂ" Hello.
âÂ" Hello.
âÂ" Hi.
âÂ" Headmaster, you've not met my husband, Ian.
âÂ" How are you doing? âÂ" Nice to meet you.
âÂ" Hello.
It's a lovely school you have here.
It's a picturesque school.
Do we think that's the same thing? ErmI was wanting to talk to you about the school photo.
I believe they're due to be We use Mr Webb.
I'm sort of the new Mr Webb.
I took over his business, so I was hoping âÂ" You'll have a portfolio you can show me then.
âÂ" Oh, yes.
Portfolio.
I'll bring it in.
âÂ" Why don't you bring it in? âÂ" I will.
I'll bring it in.
You'll bring it in, will you? (Ian ) Cannot be this complicated.
''fogging, focus, slave unit.
'' Do you have a slave unit? What about ''snap'' and ''cheese''? ''Anamorphic?'' No, too many syllables.
You're just a box.
Darkroom, my darkroom! String, pegs Let's do it.
Page one.
That's too many words.
Oh, no.
Mr Webb, come back.
(Groaning) First of all, the man and woman have to love each other very, very much.
And then the man puts his seed into the woman, and the seed and the egg go together and that turns into a baby.
âÂ" Does it hurt? âÂ" No.
âÂ" Where does he get his seeds? âÂ" The man already has the seeds inside of him.
âÂ" Does that hurt? âÂ" No.
âÂ" Hi, Joe.
âÂ" Hi.
âÂ" Hi.
âÂ" I've left the crepe paper in the cupboard.
Thanks, Derek.
âÂ" I'd just like to say how great it is you're back.
âÂ" Thank you.
Erm I missed you.
âÂ" Do you want to go and play? âÂ" No.
Go on.
Go and play.
No.
Stop trying to pull her tooth out, Gemma.
It will come out when it's ready.
(Lisa ) Why does she do that? Animals.
That one's ermnot very good.
âÂ" What's this? âÂ" It's of Paris in the 1950s.
I had to evoke the atmosphere ofthe 1950s.
(Sniffing) It's not in focus.
It was a very weird time, the 1950s.
Hmm.
If I let you photograph my schoolchildren, I trust you'll limit yourself to evoking Snowle Primary School in the 1990s.
Yes, that'd be the effect I'd want.
âÂ" What's this? âÂ" The American actress, Pamela Anderson.
âÂ" I've seen her in the newspaper.
âÂ" Yes, it was a press conference.
It was very tricky because of the redefused revelation.
You had to have special polarity, special emulsion.
And this is all your work, is it? Oh, yes.
Yes, yes, yes, it is.
Have you taken school photographs before? Not specifically, but I've always loved children.
It wouldn't be necessary for you to love them.
âÂ" Well, I will award you the contract.
âÂ" Oh, goody.
I mean, thank you, Headmaster.
But don't expect me to appear in your photograph.
Oh, why not? Don't you agree you should? It'll be No, perhaps not.
I'll Thank you.
Good.
I'll just take these back to the monastery.
âÂ" I love the colour of your window.
âÂ" Did you know orange is the new brown? âÂ" Really? âÂ" Yeah.
âÂ" Wow! Oh, sheep! âÂ" Yes, it's my spring look.
I thought lots of daffodils and duckies and bunnies.
Great.
You could do with some new mannequins, though.
âÂ" What's wrong with them? âÂ" Yours looks like Myra Hindley.
Yeah, she does a bit.
I sometimes put her hands up, so you can't see her face.
âÂ" This is good.
âÂ" Oh, thanks.
Hmm.
I'd say it's floppy, but not too floppy.
Have you seen But that depends on your definition of floppy.
âÂ" Hello.
âÂ" Oh, hi.
Hi.
I can't talk to you at school and I can't ring you at home, so Hi, Derek.
Let me sell you a blouse for your mum.
âÂ" No, thank you.
âÂ" Or some pants.
For you.
Some panties.
Are you sure? OK.
Oh, right.
I've got some crop tops to sort out.
See you later.
I'm sorry, Lisa.
Working with you again, it's just opened up all this Don't you think we should talk about this somewhere a bit more private? Me and Ian have been together for some time now.
âÂ" So were we.
âÂ" Yeah, but you've got to put that behind you.
âÂ" I'm not gonna give up hope.
âÂ" You have to.
Lisa, there's There's just no generosity in him.
There is.
Honestly.
He's He's just under a bit of pressure.
Derek I'm married to Ian.
We love each other and we're staying together.
Let's try it on, shall we? I think we'll use the one at the back.
(Startled gasp) âÂ" Morning.
âÂ" Morning.
Now This is where you take your snaps.
âÂ" Have you come to commission a portrait? âÂ" No.
I know what I look like.
Business? âÂ" Flourishing.
âÂ" Really? âÂ" So what's it like when business is quiet? âÂ" I don't know.
It's never been quiet.
âÂ" I've come to make you a business proposal.
âÂ" Oh? I'm going to give you ã20,000 to divorce my daughter and leave the village.
What? I'm giving you ã20,000 to get out of our lives.
I get the impression you don't consider me your ideal sonâÂ"inâÂ"law.
No.
I consider you a piece of shit.
Well, you can sit on the fence as much as you like, but The devil will scrub the sneer off your face.
I'm sorry, I didn't realise you were completely mad.
Well, all right, OK.
Let's do it, I'll go.
Yeah, OK.
Good.
But there are other conditions.
âÂ" I want your red pickâÂ"up truck.
âÂ" What? âÂ" Your red pickâÂ"up truck.
I want it.
âÂ" No, you can't have it.
Then the deal's off.
I'm not going.
All right, have it.
And the big bush in your front garden with the purple leaves.
Why? I like it.
It's nice.
I want you to send it to me in a special big bush box.
âÂ" I'm glad you find this amusing.
âÂ" Well, I can do you amusement or rage.
You'll never amount to anything down here.
Nobody gets anywhere without my patronage.
Ah, yes.
The great patrons.
Cosimo de' Medici, King Ludwig II of Bavaria, Catherine the Great.
And Astley Yardley, West Sussex turkey farmer.
ã20,000.
Come and see me when you've realised it's a good idea.
ToodleâÂ"oo.
âÂ" I bumped into Derek in Helen's shop today.
âÂ" UhâÂ"huh.
âÂ" He's still quite keen on me, you know.
âÂ" Why wouldn't he be? I don't know how to put him off.
Well, it's difficult, isn't it, all the âÂ" Are you all right? âÂ" Yeah.
It's not like you to miss making fun of an exâÂ"boyfriend.
Mmm, I'm fine.
Aren't you going to mock our provincial headlines? Ooh! ''Village hall officially damp.
'' Erm ''Health centre gets muchâÂ"needed turning circle.
'' âÂ" Honey, what's the matter? âÂ" Nothing.
âÂ" You're jealous, aren't you? âÂ" No, I'm not.
âÂ" I only mentioned Derek, not for any âÂ" Lisa, I've got tons of stuff on my mind.
Jealousy's the last thing I'm thinking about.
Well, maybe it shouldn't be.
Me and Derek were quite an item, you know.
Well, give him a ring or whatever.
Just don't bang on about it all the time.
I'm going for a crescent shape here.
Do you think you could get into a crescent? A crescent shape.
A crescent.
I want you to If you could just âÂ" How do I look? âÂ" The opposite of beautifully understated? âÂ" Oh! âÂ" Oh, you look wonderful.
Oh.
Hey, we're on in a minute.
I know.
How's he doing out there? That's it.
Come in.
Don't worry about the smiling.
Come in.
Little girl! Little girl with the hair, go back.
Back in.
You've upset the whole cosmology here.
Get in.
All right, thank you.
And spread out again.
âÂ" Shouldn't we be helping him a bit? âÂ" No.
I'm sure we used to help Mr Webb.
Oh, God, plurals.
I never did plurals.
Don't do that.
You're in a parabola now.
That's no good, it's been done.
People don't want to see that.
Can you just A crescent, sort of.
Please! What do people do when their husbands are at war with their parentsâÂ"inâÂ"law? You want to be worried if they get on! You can't screw a bloke properly if he's spent all tea time grinning at your parents.
âÂ" I can't make it any simpler than that.
âÂ" (Kids laugh) What are you doing? Don't.
âÂ" If he's not careful, this is going to split us up.
âÂ" They'll sort it out.
Get somebody All right Little chap there, could you take your hands out of your pockets, please? Thank you.
(Sneezing) (Laughter) Could someone wipe her nose, please? It's got stuff coming out of it.
OK, thanks.
And you with the stickyâÂ"out ears, can you not move around? (Laughter) I mean angled ears.
Nicely angled ears.
Like a little rabbit that's very well behaved.
And I thinkwhat we'll do What we'll do is separate Lisa and Derek.
That's what we'll do.
Can't have the teachers wanting to be naughty with the other teachers, can we, boys and girls? (Children gasp in fear) OK, that is better.
That's much better.
OK, everybody, hold that.
Hold that.
Until I say ''relax'', OK? (Gales of laughter) And relax.
(Door closes ) I'm sorry.
Hmm.
âÂ" It's your favourite thing.
âÂ" Tea? That was a really mean thing to do to Derek.
âÂ" And me, actually.
âÂ" I know.
I'm sorry.
I'm really sorry.
âÂ" It's not easy for him, you know.
âÂ" No, I know.
Poor old Derek, the heap, coping with his presence every day.
âÂ" Being with himself all that time âÂ" I don't know what's got into you.
âÂ" You won't even look me in the face any more.
âÂ" I do, I look.
I'm looking.
âÂ" Don't be silly.
âÂ" It's difficult here, harder than I thought.
âÂ" I don't have any money, I miss my friends.
âÂ" What friends? The gang, you know, the old gang.
The gang? You did not have a gang.
I took the same bus every day.
I knew the faces.
âÂ" So we'll find you a gang down here.
âÂ" I don't want a gang down here.
People eat off such big plates and they all go to the market.
(CD) # I wanna see your smiling face before the new day begins # Hey, anyway, you know that, erm You know that big group photograph, the school one? It's very difficult to choose the right one to show anybody.
âÂ" Why? âÂ" Well, you know, it's just There are There are none.
Oh! I ruined the negative.
Bugger! I have to retake it.
âÂ" What? âÂ" (CD stops ) âÂ" Ian? âÂ" What? What? Ian, will you come here? âÂ" What? âÂ" What do you mean? I have to retake it.
No, Norriswood won't let you retake it.
Make him.
Make him.
âÂ" Hmph.
Duh! âÂ" (Music restarts ) Hi.
(Norriswood) Come in.
âÂ" Hello, Headmaster.
âÂ" Hello.
I bumped into Lynn, the temporary lollipop lady.
She said that Neil Blake was abusive to her.
âÂ" What did he call her? âÂ" ''Witch'' or ''Lollipop witch''.
Well, I'm already seeing his mother.
I'll I'll have words.
Thank you.
And Ian would rather like to take the group photo again.
âÂ" I don't see why not, do you? âÂ" Yes.
They lost enough of their schooling the first time.
If he hasn't done the job properly, he can pay another photographer to do the work again.
So it's not so much the time you begrudge, it's the principle? It's just because he's so good that he wants to do it again.
âÂ" He's an artist.
âÂ" Well, we'll settle for bad art this time.
What am I doing? I'm wasting her time, is what I'm doing.
Calm down.
Calm down.
Do some paperwork.
No paper.
No work.
No work, no paper.
No paperwork.
No business.
No business.
Oh, hello.
Is Astley around, do you know? Mr Yardley? Those birds are very relaxed, aren't they? (Loud squawking) âÂ" How are the turkeys? âÂ" They get by.
I read in a book that the shell only hardens when it comes into contact with the air.
I've come to accept the offer.
Good.
âÂ" But 20,000 isn't enough.
âÂ" What do you have in mind? âÂ" 50.
âÂ" That's too much.
You can afford it.
25 now and 25 after I've gone.
15,000 now and 15 later.
Look, this is the saddest day of my life.
I'm not horse trading over Lisa.
âÂ" 20,000 now, 20 after I've gone.
âÂ" 0K.
Would this Would this all be better if I was English? Would you like me then? I can be English, you know.
(Slightly less Irish) Tiffin! Where's my tissues? What's the gooseberry situation? I want you to sign something saying you'll be gone by the end of the month.
I'm not signing anything.
And I'm not going anywhere until I get the cash.
âÂ" You're a piece of crap.
âÂ" Yeah! What would this would do to Lisa if she knew? I'm doing it for her.
You two would have split up anyway, as you know.
I'm just trying to save us all some wasted years.
âÂ" These are much better.
âÂ" I'm really pleased.
I'm glad you like them.
âÂ" Oh, the hands swivel.
Look! âÂ" Oh, great! You don't think they look a little bitsurprised? âÂ" I'm more worried about the nipples.
âÂ" Oh.
I think I'm gonna pay Dean to file them down.
That weird guy from the garage would do it for free.
Oh, Lisa, don't! âÂ" How's Ian? âÂ" A bit gloomy.
âÂ" Oh.
âÂ" No, he just feels like I did, living in London.
âÂ" What? A little bit snuffy? âÂ" No, paranoid.
âÂ" Oh, why? âÂ" He feels cut off.
âÂ" Sorry, Lisa.
âÂ" That's all right.
âÂ" Do you always put pants on your dummies? âÂ" Jill feels more comfortable if they wear them.
Now, Lisa, you don't have to listen to what I'm going to say.
What? âÂ" I've heard this rumour.
It's just a rumour.
âÂ" What? âÂ" That Dad's offered Ian moneyto leave you.
âÂ" That's ridiculous.
I know.
I know it is.
I know.
I Who starts these things? I mean, that's really wicked.
I know, I know.
And apparently, Ian's thinking about it.
But âÂ" Shut up, Helen.
That's horrible! âÂ" I know.
I'm just I'm sorry.
âÂ" I'm all cross now.
âÂ" I shouldn't have said anything.
Hug me.
Could you all move back a little bit? If you get back into a straight line.
Melanie, remember to look forward when it's time to take the picture.
âÂ" Were you all there before? âÂ" Tall people at the back? âÂ" Good.
âÂ" Yeah.
âÂ" Thanks for helping me out.
âÂ" That's OK.
âÂ" Where's the headmaster gone? âÂ" Gone to investigate a minibus.
Oh, right.
Tuck your shirt in.
I'm still finding my feet in the community.
I know you're Yeah.
OK, the little redâÂ"haired girl, you were standing next to the other redâÂ"hairedâÂ"girl.
âÂ" So can you go back for me? âÂ" But I don't want to stand next to Claire.
âÂ" Go back.
That's where you were the last time.
âÂ" But I don't want to stand next to Claire.
God Almighty! Hang on a second.
Here.
Polo mints.
A bit dusty, but they're all right.
You go on.
That's it.
I don't want to stand next to Zoë! No.
Wait a minute, wait.
Come here.
Wait, hang on.
ErI don't have any more.
I don't have any more sweets.
Go get a dolly or a horse.
I was I was standing on the other side.
Shut your face.
(Coins clinking) Forget about the money.
There'll be more money later.
Just get back in the photograph.
Look, the next child who moves will receivea punishment.
Mmm, goody! Boys and girls, I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry, you've been subjected to time wasting of this kind.
Mrs Lyons, will you come out here, please? âÂ" Look âÂ" Be quiet! âÂ" Go to your classroom.
âÂ" Yes, sir.
Hello.
Do you want to count it? OK.
One.
Not the bag, the money.
No.
If you're not out of here by the end of the month, I'll make sure Lisa knows you took the money.
Really? âÂ" Well, I'd love to chat.
âÂ" So, everyone has their price.
Don't forget my van and my bush.
(Derek ) I know you don't want to believe it.
(Lisa ) Of course I don't.
Look, I know people at the bank.
Look at me.
Your father withdrew ã20,000 in cash and took it round to Ian, and he's agreed to leave you.
I'm just sorry it had to be me to tell you.
No, you're not.
âÂ" What's going on, Ian? âÂ" Nothing.
Oh, this? This is just your dad giving some money to charity.
They're not his favourites, but there you go.
What? Five grand to the Ramblers' Association, two hundred quid for the Lib Dems, and I think ten grand to the Beard Museum in Leeds would be quite good.
We know how much he likes beards and Liberals.
I thought you were going to leave me.
Why would I do that? I'm going to stay in this turkeyâÂ"plucking privetâÂ"poncing pit until people stop annoying us.
My dad's going to kill you, you know.
âÂ" No, I mean it.
âÂ" Oh.
Life was so much easier before I met you.
âÂ" Was it this much fun? âÂ" It was more fun, actually.
Fun gives you wrinkles.
You get a furry tongue and the house smells They can paint the blackest picture of you They can hate everything that you do They can crush you under heel But nothing will change the way I feel Love's the only thing that's real Nothing will change the way I feel Love's the only thing that's real