How Do You Want Me? (1998) s02e01 Episode Script
White Pubic Hair
OK, that's smart, you know.
But it's a bit It's all a bit doubleâÂ"barrelled.
âÂ" How about you toss your hair back? âÂ" Toss it back? Yeah.
Toss it back with sort of a carefree motion.
Get some exuberance.
Mm.
OK.
We'll cut our losses on the tossing.
It's been done, hasn't it? '70s.
Right.
Shh! Shh! Oi, settle down.
OK.
Owen, say your line to Sonia.
Go on.
Go on.
You don't remember your line, do you? No, snowflakes, you don't Snowflakes, don't come on yet.
Until you hear the snuffly snowman singing, OK? I'm the snuffly snowman No, Carl, you don't sing the song now.
Snowflakes, will you stop whirling, please? Will you stop âÂ" (Shrieking) âÂ" Karen, stop them whirling, please.
Stop it.
Will you stop Stop (# Piano intro) OK.
âÂ" Hi.
âÂ" Hello.
Ohh âÂ" What would you like? âÂ" Er, something soft.
âÂ" Just going to the loo.
âÂ" OK.
No, I'll tell you who'd make a good electrician.
âÂ" Jim Carrey, right? Cos he âÂ" Gavin! It's "Carey".
âÂ" It's "Carey".
âÂ" Right, Jim "Carey", âÂ" cos he was the cable guy in that movie.
âÂ" No, he'd arse about.
Well, you say that, Phil, but Yeah, he would.
OK, who've we got so far? Master carpenter, Burt Lancaster.
Plumber, Hoskins.
Plumber's mate, I've got my doubts about Kevin Costner.
Sigourney Weaver.
She seems very capable.
âÂ" How about mango juice? âÂ" No.
âÂ" Everybody does mango juice.
âÂ" It's not a standard juice.
âÂ" Pink grapefruit.
Is that any good? âÂ" I've never had it.
Pink.
Pink.
That must have given the grapefruit a whole new lease of life.
(Yells) HiâÂ"iâÂ"i, lan! Oh, sorry, did I knock it? Sorry, mate.
Cheers, Geoff.
Mm.
So, Snappy, my dad says your little business is all shot to shit.
by marrying Lisa I pressed some Freudian knob that makes him hate me.
See, what I don't get about Freud is who he is.
I'm getting on better with him.
He said I could take some photographs on the farm.
âÂ" For a series of cards I'm gonna do âÂ" (Belching) wet tractors and chickens and glistening straw, all that kind of What, what, what? Hm? What? Plasterer, Ollie Reed.
What? What? âÂ" Hm? âÂ" Look what I just found.
âÂ" Some special air? âÂ" A white hair.
âÂ" Yeah? âÂ" White bloody pubic hair.
âÂ" Is it yours? âÂ" Of course! Why d'you think I'm upset? Cos you've got an old man's pubic hair in your hand.
I found it in me and plucked it out.
Why were you looking down there in a public toilet? I don't know, but it's horrible, anyway.
Probably a oneâÂ"off, like that bobbly toenail I had.
And it's already time to go.
âÂ" How's the play? âÂ" Oh, that's terrible.
The author's there.
Why don't you ask Derek to do something simpler, âÂ" like 42nd Street? âÂ" I'm sorry.
How are you? âÂ" I'm fine, I'm fine.
âÂ" Yeah? Oh, my pubic hair's turning white, my life's over.
(lan clucks noisily) (Slurring) All the other animals laugh at you and hate you.
They all think you're mad.
(Clucking) âÂ" Ah! Hello.
âÂ" Hello.
âÂ" How's the turkeys? âÂ" Fine.
âÂ" And your good lady wife? âÂ" Fine.
Oh, she's fine.
Excellent.
Thank you for letting me take photographs.
âÂ" You come up with any? âÂ" Oh, yeah.
I love your mud.
I thought your shrubs and crops were pretty unbeatable but that was before I'd seen your mud.
You should climb up onto the barn.
You get glorious views.
You can see beyond Penfold.
Although maybe you shouldn't climb anywhere in your condition.
Huh? What? Oh, this.
Oh, no.
Paradoxically, I'm actually steadier on my feet, like astronauts or Bedouins when they've had a few.
And give my love to Lisa.
(Chuckling) One, two, three five and a half That's right.
Yeah (Humming) HeyâÂ"ho.
That's not Penfold.
âÂ" (Crashing) âÂ" (Squawking) âÂ" lan! âÂ" In here.
âÂ" You're all right? Are you really? âÂ" I'm OK.
âÂ" Oh, God, lan! âÂ" I could use a little more cake, though.
Mum.
Mum, is he really OK? He managed to munch his way through a cake.
But How It's just so odd, after I know, it's a miracle.
Yeah, but what about your head? Sometimes it does take time to register.
My head my head is all right, Lisa.
You're hurting my eyes.
Dad, what were you playing at, letting lan climb up on the barn? âÂ" You could see he'd had a few.
âÂ" I paid him the respect âÂ" of letting him make his own decision.
âÂ" Well, don't.
You played around the barn as children.
None of you fell through the roof.
Apart from Dean.
I don't want him coming here any more.
He's not used to farms.
And I don't want you taking any more photographs ever.
Calm down, Lisa.
Have some tea.
No.
(lan) He tried to kill me, you know.
(Lisa) What? âÂ" Your dad tried to kill me.
âÂ" Don't be ridiculous.
He did.
You should see the way he looked at me.
It's beyond hate.
If my muscles hadn't been relaxed, I would have died.
I fell 30 feet.
That's the height of six short women.
He could have removed a panel from the roof.
Are you being serious, lan? âÂ" No.
No, I'm not.
âÂ" Come on.
âÂ" What? Smoking behind the bike shed? âÂ" No.
Give me that.
Give it here.
Why are you keeping a white pubic hair in your matchbox? That's weird.
Oh Things are just getting a bit on top of me at the moment.
Oh, come on, it's all right, it's all right.
Hair pigmentation's affected by stress.
I know, I know.
You'll feel much better when The Snuffly Snowman's over and the reviews are in.
You can laugh but it's you that's causing me the stress.
I know you're trying, but we've been here a few months and you're still acting like some alien from Jupiter.
You can't live on Jupiter, it's all gas.
You'd sink into the foam Maybe they live in a special bubble.
I'm just tired! Come on, we'll put on your special tape and you'll feel much better and you can melt away the stress and all that stuff.
White hair.
I didn't even go through grey.
There's no such thing.
They're all white or brown or black and people look grey because it's, you know, mixed.
âÂ" Why do men always know that sort of stuff? âÂ" They have to protect their womenfolk.
(Door rattling) âÂ" Hello.
âÂ" All right? I fell there.
Schtoomp.
(# Piano playing) (Children) # I'm Snuffly and I'm made of snow I snuffle everywhere I go Even though I love the cold I've always got a runny nose âÂ" No, not that Not that way.
âÂ" I'm Snuffly the snowman âÂ" How's it going? âÂ" Great.
Great.
Good.
âÂ" Need me to tweak anything? âÂ" No, it's great, thanks.
I just think there might be a bit more mileage in Snuffly's big outburst.
âÂ" Mm? No, it's perfect.
Excuse Sorry.
âÂ" Yeah.
I'll I'm Snuffly and I'm made of snow I snuffle everywhere I go Even though I love the cold I always have to blow my nose (Giggling) (# Woman singing opera) Hello? Hello.
I'm lan, Mr Yardley's sonâÂ"inâÂ"law.
(Hammering on metal) I'm taking some photographs on the farm.
Hello? I'm doing some cards.
You know, cards.
I was doing a book before of countryside fire stations, a coffeeâÂ"table thing, but that's a bit weird now with all the international publishing rights.
You know yourself.
So this a sequel.
You know.
Anyway, I'm just doing it to rebuild my confidence.
I fell through the roof of the barn yesterday.
âÂ" I heard.
âÂ" (Pinging) âÂ" Is that Is that common? âÂ" No.
Sort of dangerous, really, I would have thought.
A rickety roof.
Elderly people like Mr Yardley about.
Does he ever go up there? Yeah, I suppose so.
âÂ" Have you seen him up there recently? âÂ" Could have been, yeah.
I wonder what what he'd be doing up there, though.
Making a hole for you to fall through.
(Laughing) No, I've no idea.
âÂ" Hi! âÂ" Hiya.
HelloâÂ"o! âÂ" Hello, hello, hello.
âÂ" Hello.
âÂ" Look.
âÂ" Ah, what's that? Oh, don't! They're maggots.
âÂ" For fishing? âÂ" MmâÂ"hm.
I'm taking steps to lower my stress levels.
Oh, and I've called off the school play.
Good.
Well done.
Derek's gonna rewrite it for a cast of three and I borrowed all this.
You're not gonna sit by a river in the dark, wearing green? That's not you.
I used to do it with Dean when I was a child.
âÂ" Anyway, I think I need the quietness.
âÂ" Quietness? âÂ" Listen.
âÂ" (Silence) Couldn't be more quiet if we were stone deaf.
That's not quietness, that's silence.
Oh, I see.
Excuse me, grasshopper.
Well, maybe it's partly cos I like the idea of being alone.
Alone? Everyone's alone in the country.
We should bus more people in from London.
Anyway, fishing's fun! Look at this.
This is brilliant.
Look.
Oh! (Giggling) (Clanging metal) (Coughing) Bloody hell, it's dark.
âÂ" Oh, hi.
âÂ" Oh, I can see you now.
âÂ" What can I do for you? âÂ" I've never been in a blacksmith's.
I didn't know they were still around.
Except in Mary Poppins.
They were, er, chimney sweeps.
âÂ" Oh, yeah, right.
Right.
âÂ" (Neighing) Er, well I'd love to say I've come for a million horseshoes and a big, curly gate but actually, the only thing I want is I wanna find out what you think of these.
They're pins, right, from a panel in a roof? And they're bent.
And I was wondering if you can tell me, through smithing, whether they look as if they've been fiddled with.
I dunno.
Well, could you take an educated guess? No, not really.
(Hissing) (lan) Right, drop your rods! It's the fish liberation army.
I've come to talk to you about our beliefs.
âÂ" How can I get across? âÂ" You can't.
This side's for fisherfolk only.
âÂ" Well, how's it going? âÂ" Really good.
I caught a bream.
So this is how you deal with your demons, wrestling with huge fish weighing anything up to five ounces.
You're just jealous cos I've got a hobby and I'm starting to feel human again.
Well, it looks incredibly stressful to me.
It's like being a security guard without the good bits.
You know, buildings, warmth, biscuits, the little TVs.
âÂ" So, where've you been today? âÂ" Nowhere.
âÂ" Can we go home now? âÂ" No.
I can feel one about to bite.
Right, I'm coming to take you home the romantic way.
No! No, don't, lan! Don't No, you'll frighten the fish.
(Chuckling) Actually, it's, er It's extremely cold and muddy.
Maybe I'll go back.
Fish.
Ah.
Ah! Ugh.
There you go.
No, my motto is, "A nice face is better than a nice bottom.
" âÂ" You can always disguise a bottom.
âÂ" Absolutely.
See you soon.
Take care.
âÂ" Oh, hi, lan.
âÂ" Hi, Helen.
Hi, Jill.
âÂ" You fell through the barn.
âÂ" Yes.
Ohh.
Ooh, don't say anything.
Jill and I are having a game where we guess what each customer wants.
âÂ" We're all square at fiveâÂ"all.
âÂ" Yes.
Right.
Well, I'd like a taffeta thong and a pair of socks.
If you're not gonna play properly, that's fine.
Sorry, Helen.
Actually, I wanted to have a quick word with you about your dad.
Oh, right.
Apart from your sister, you're the only remotely sane person in your family.
Oh, well, come through.
âÂ" Er âÂ" In here? Yeah.
Erm do you think your father's capable of having somebody killed? Ooh, let me see.
I wouldn't think so.
OK.
I ask because when he told me to go up on the roof of his barn he knew I was drunk.
And he said, "You can see Penfold," which is completely covered by trees.
After I'd fallen I looked at the panel and it was clearly messed around with.
And you know how often he's said he'd like to see me disappear.
âÂ" So, erm âÂ" It's possible.
Yes, I think it is.
I think it is possible.
And it's well, serious.
It's I don't want to die young in a fucking barn.
(Bell tinkles) Well why haven't you been to the police? I can't go to the police.
I don't have any evidence stuff.
Every time I think I'm beginning to understand this place something completely weird happens.
Mrs Newman wants to change this top for something nicer.
âÂ" OK.
Jill âÂ" And then Sorry.
Come here.
And did you know your sister keeps her pubic hair in a matchbox? No.
âÂ" Out shopping? âÂ" What's it look like? Why did you make me get up on the roof of your barn? âÂ" Is that a rhetorical question? âÂ" I've got your number, turkey man.
âÂ" You're upset.
âÂ" Yeah.
Well, let me tell you something.
âÂ" Well, tell me! âÂ" I'm not going anywhere, OK? I'm staying here with your daughter, my wife.
In that house.
OK? Not going anywhere.
Got it? So think of something else.
Sharpen up your scythe or whatever.
(Laughing) âÂ" (Engine crunching) âÂ" All right! It's the bouncing Bogsider.
Boing! Boing! I'm not from the Bogside.
Rumour has it it was a tragically botched bungee jump.
Why's Gavin on the roof of the van? I don't know.
Someone had to be.
âÂ" So are you all right, then, mate? âÂ" Yeah, yeah.
Cool.
See you later, then.
Here, Gav, where are we going? Home or to your mum's? âÂ" Gran's.
âÂ" Gran's house! Yay! (Phone) Hello? No, this is 6922.
Yes, that's right.
Erm, does No, don't go.
It's annoying, isn't it, when you get the wrong number? And the wrong person.
âÂ" But you can still talk âÂ" (Line goes dead) (Door opens) âÂ" Oh, hello! âÂ" Hello.
âÂ" Ohh! âÂ" Oh, it's the late Jacques Cousteau.
I'm sorry.
The carp start to bite just as the sun goes down.
You can see their little mouths quivering under the surface.
Ohh! âÂ" You prepared dinner and everything.
âÂ" Well, I prepared cutlery and everything.
We'll have to get a takeaway.
Why don't you stop fishing and be here more? And we can do this.
We'll have trays and flowers No, it's doing me good.
Why don't you have a go at fishing? Yeah.
Anyway, look at this.
âÂ" A white pubic hair.
âÂ" Oh.
I was rummaging down there.
So it's not stress or anything.
âÂ" Everybody gets one.
âÂ" Oh, thank you.
âÂ" But I can smell the bleach.
âÂ" OK.
But think of all the great people with white hair.
There's Steve Martin.
Er, Santa.
Most of the old monkeys in Planet Of The Apes.
âÂ" Noah.
âÂ" (Laughing) Marilyn Monroe.
Blonde, but kind of severe grey.
Why were you in the blacksmith's yesterday? How Do you have a monitoring device in my skull or something? âÂ" Veronica Dinnah saw you.
âÂ" I was getting some tongs fluted.
âÂ" That's not true, is it? âÂ" No.
I asked the bloke if he thought the pins from the barn roof had been fiddled with.
Oh, so boring and ridiculous and paranoid and Either find some evidence or shut up.
That's what I'm doing.
That's exactly what I'm doing.
How would you feel if I accused your dad âÂ" of trying to kill me? âÂ" That's ridiculous.
He's a nice man.
He gets a nosebleed if he sees people arguing on television.
I know it's difficult.
Remember when I went out with Xavier, that funky gardener that Dad hated? Oh, yes! What happened to him? Moved to Eastbourne.
Said he'd outgrown Snowle, needed to be reâÂ"potted in a town.
Which was a nice little analogy, actually.
So, what do the, erm, stripy little buoy efforts do? A float.
Stops the bait from sinking to the floor of the river.
Oh.
I always thought it would be easier just to use a big net.
You know, a large net.
Where would the fun be in that? In Well, you'd catch some fish.
What shall I do about lan? Did it move just then? No, but my eyes are going funny just staring at it.
I mean, parents don't try to injure their sonâÂ"inâÂ"law, do they? That's like something straight out of What was it? No, no.
God, no, I've got to look away.
Ooh.
(lan) Well, now you've had your way with me again, my little sex pirate I need to show you something.
Look at this.
Now this is your dad moving the ladder so I could climb up and fall in from the the roof.
You see? I took that an hour before it happened.
I didn't notice when I was taking it, I was focusing on the turkey.
I'm sure there's another explanation.
Ohh âÂ" Sorry about the mud.
âÂ" That's all right.
Lovely to see you.
âÂ" Well Well, this is very pleasant.
âÂ" Yeah.
âÂ" Don't see enough of you, Lisa.
âÂ" I'm sorry.
âÂ" D'you want a cup of tea? âÂ" No.
âÂ" I gather you've taken up fishing.
âÂ" Yeah! Seems an odd hobby for a girl.
Or is that the kind of annoying comment fathers make? Yeah, I lent my stuff to lan today, to try it out.
Bugger! Shit! Wank! Shit! Bugger! Wank! Ow! How could you? I know lan's a bit of a loose cannon.
I've tried to accept that.
But how could you think I'd do a thing like that? I have to ask you this.
So you did not try to make lan fall through the roof? Or want him to fall through the roof? No, my little girl.
I want you to be happy.
How would that make you happy, to have the young man you love perish in my barn? Yeah, I know.
I know.
No, that definitely isn't me.
I don't have trousers like that.
No, I think it's Trevor.
He'd been using the ladder to lop the big oak.
Look, I'm trying to like him.
I'll get there.
I'm getting on a bit.
Everything takes longer these days.
Ask your mother.
That's too easy.
Why don't you like him? âÂ" Because he despises people.
âÂ" No.
He thinks others are just fit for laughter.
That's how people are.
Well, maybe you're right.
Maybe that's how they're becoming.
But lan just wants to have fun and wants both of us to be happy.
He's very simple, really.
You do know that if I had to choose, I'd choose him? I'm sorry about all the flashing.
But she'll look nice.
She'll get her vision back.
I'm sorr âÂ" Hello.
âÂ" Hi.
How was it? I had a brilliant chat with my dad.
Yeah? Did he confess and break down and show you the blunderbuss he's gonna use to finish me off? It was Trevor in the photograph.
It wasn't? Mm.
Was it? Oh, well.
Good, I suppose.
I can cancel my plan to have your dad fall into a vat of photographic acid.
Er, I've got some bad news, actually.
What? Er, I went fishing.
And I nipped off for some coffee.
And, erm, when I came back, all the all the gear was stolen.
âÂ" Hm.
âÂ" Well, how terrible for you.
I thought I'd come back to the wrong bit of the river, but Cos it all looks the same.
You know, mud, weeds, reeds, fish.
But I checked and I can confirm it's all gone.
Even though you buried it to keep it safe.
MmâÂ"hm.
How did you know? Jean Lewry was out walking her dog.
Right.
Well, I give up, then.
The country.
It's like living in Peking during the Cultural Revolution.
Anyway, I'm sorry, all right? I was jealous.
You know.
And lonely.
Jealous of your success as a hobbyist.
Why don't you give it up and devote yourself to âÂ" What, to you, darling? âÂ" I prefer the word "us".
All right, I'll think about it, if you stop being so paranoid about my dad.
All right, that sounds fair.
Weird, but fair.
(lan) We could do something together, something we can both do.
We could buy a big seesaw.
âÂ" No, I don't want a seesaw.
âÂ" Why do you just dismiss it? Cos one person's always up and the other's always down.
Ah, but it is a lovely moment when we're both on the same level.
But it's a bit It's all a bit doubleâÂ"barrelled.
âÂ" How about you toss your hair back? âÂ" Toss it back? Yeah.
Toss it back with sort of a carefree motion.
Get some exuberance.
Mm.
OK.
We'll cut our losses on the tossing.
It's been done, hasn't it? '70s.
Right.
Shh! Shh! Oi, settle down.
OK.
Owen, say your line to Sonia.
Go on.
Go on.
You don't remember your line, do you? No, snowflakes, you don't Snowflakes, don't come on yet.
Until you hear the snuffly snowman singing, OK? I'm the snuffly snowman No, Carl, you don't sing the song now.
Snowflakes, will you stop whirling, please? Will you stop âÂ" (Shrieking) âÂ" Karen, stop them whirling, please.
Stop it.
Will you stop Stop (# Piano intro) OK.
âÂ" Hi.
âÂ" Hello.
Ohh âÂ" What would you like? âÂ" Er, something soft.
âÂ" Just going to the loo.
âÂ" OK.
No, I'll tell you who'd make a good electrician.
âÂ" Jim Carrey, right? Cos he âÂ" Gavin! It's "Carey".
âÂ" It's "Carey".
âÂ" Right, Jim "Carey", âÂ" cos he was the cable guy in that movie.
âÂ" No, he'd arse about.
Well, you say that, Phil, but Yeah, he would.
OK, who've we got so far? Master carpenter, Burt Lancaster.
Plumber, Hoskins.
Plumber's mate, I've got my doubts about Kevin Costner.
Sigourney Weaver.
She seems very capable.
âÂ" How about mango juice? âÂ" No.
âÂ" Everybody does mango juice.
âÂ" It's not a standard juice.
âÂ" Pink grapefruit.
Is that any good? âÂ" I've never had it.
Pink.
Pink.
That must have given the grapefruit a whole new lease of life.
(Yells) HiâÂ"iâÂ"i, lan! Oh, sorry, did I knock it? Sorry, mate.
Cheers, Geoff.
Mm.
So, Snappy, my dad says your little business is all shot to shit.
by marrying Lisa I pressed some Freudian knob that makes him hate me.
See, what I don't get about Freud is who he is.
I'm getting on better with him.
He said I could take some photographs on the farm.
âÂ" For a series of cards I'm gonna do âÂ" (Belching) wet tractors and chickens and glistening straw, all that kind of What, what, what? Hm? What? Plasterer, Ollie Reed.
What? What? âÂ" Hm? âÂ" Look what I just found.
âÂ" Some special air? âÂ" A white hair.
âÂ" Yeah? âÂ" White bloody pubic hair.
âÂ" Is it yours? âÂ" Of course! Why d'you think I'm upset? Cos you've got an old man's pubic hair in your hand.
I found it in me and plucked it out.
Why were you looking down there in a public toilet? I don't know, but it's horrible, anyway.
Probably a oneâÂ"off, like that bobbly toenail I had.
And it's already time to go.
âÂ" How's the play? âÂ" Oh, that's terrible.
The author's there.
Why don't you ask Derek to do something simpler, âÂ" like 42nd Street? âÂ" I'm sorry.
How are you? âÂ" I'm fine, I'm fine.
âÂ" Yeah? Oh, my pubic hair's turning white, my life's over.
(lan clucks noisily) (Slurring) All the other animals laugh at you and hate you.
They all think you're mad.
(Clucking) âÂ" Ah! Hello.
âÂ" Hello.
âÂ" How's the turkeys? âÂ" Fine.
âÂ" And your good lady wife? âÂ" Fine.
Oh, she's fine.
Excellent.
Thank you for letting me take photographs.
âÂ" You come up with any? âÂ" Oh, yeah.
I love your mud.
I thought your shrubs and crops were pretty unbeatable but that was before I'd seen your mud.
You should climb up onto the barn.
You get glorious views.
You can see beyond Penfold.
Although maybe you shouldn't climb anywhere in your condition.
Huh? What? Oh, this.
Oh, no.
Paradoxically, I'm actually steadier on my feet, like astronauts or Bedouins when they've had a few.
And give my love to Lisa.
(Chuckling) One, two, three five and a half That's right.
Yeah (Humming) HeyâÂ"ho.
That's not Penfold.
âÂ" (Crashing) âÂ" (Squawking) âÂ" lan! âÂ" In here.
âÂ" You're all right? Are you really? âÂ" I'm OK.
âÂ" Oh, God, lan! âÂ" I could use a little more cake, though.
Mum.
Mum, is he really OK? He managed to munch his way through a cake.
But How It's just so odd, after I know, it's a miracle.
Yeah, but what about your head? Sometimes it does take time to register.
My head my head is all right, Lisa.
You're hurting my eyes.
Dad, what were you playing at, letting lan climb up on the barn? âÂ" You could see he'd had a few.
âÂ" I paid him the respect âÂ" of letting him make his own decision.
âÂ" Well, don't.
You played around the barn as children.
None of you fell through the roof.
Apart from Dean.
I don't want him coming here any more.
He's not used to farms.
And I don't want you taking any more photographs ever.
Calm down, Lisa.
Have some tea.
No.
(lan) He tried to kill me, you know.
(Lisa) What? âÂ" Your dad tried to kill me.
âÂ" Don't be ridiculous.
He did.
You should see the way he looked at me.
It's beyond hate.
If my muscles hadn't been relaxed, I would have died.
I fell 30 feet.
That's the height of six short women.
He could have removed a panel from the roof.
Are you being serious, lan? âÂ" No.
No, I'm not.
âÂ" Come on.
âÂ" What? Smoking behind the bike shed? âÂ" No.
Give me that.
Give it here.
Why are you keeping a white pubic hair in your matchbox? That's weird.
Oh Things are just getting a bit on top of me at the moment.
Oh, come on, it's all right, it's all right.
Hair pigmentation's affected by stress.
I know, I know.
You'll feel much better when The Snuffly Snowman's over and the reviews are in.
You can laugh but it's you that's causing me the stress.
I know you're trying, but we've been here a few months and you're still acting like some alien from Jupiter.
You can't live on Jupiter, it's all gas.
You'd sink into the foam Maybe they live in a special bubble.
I'm just tired! Come on, we'll put on your special tape and you'll feel much better and you can melt away the stress and all that stuff.
White hair.
I didn't even go through grey.
There's no such thing.
They're all white or brown or black and people look grey because it's, you know, mixed.
âÂ" Why do men always know that sort of stuff? âÂ" They have to protect their womenfolk.
(Door rattling) âÂ" Hello.
âÂ" All right? I fell there.
Schtoomp.
(# Piano playing) (Children) # I'm Snuffly and I'm made of snow I snuffle everywhere I go Even though I love the cold I've always got a runny nose âÂ" No, not that Not that way.
âÂ" I'm Snuffly the snowman âÂ" How's it going? âÂ" Great.
Great.
Good.
âÂ" Need me to tweak anything? âÂ" No, it's great, thanks.
I just think there might be a bit more mileage in Snuffly's big outburst.
âÂ" Mm? No, it's perfect.
Excuse Sorry.
âÂ" Yeah.
I'll I'm Snuffly and I'm made of snow I snuffle everywhere I go Even though I love the cold I always have to blow my nose (Giggling) (# Woman singing opera) Hello? Hello.
I'm lan, Mr Yardley's sonâÂ"inâÂ"law.
(Hammering on metal) I'm taking some photographs on the farm.
Hello? I'm doing some cards.
You know, cards.
I was doing a book before of countryside fire stations, a coffeeâÂ"table thing, but that's a bit weird now with all the international publishing rights.
You know yourself.
So this a sequel.
You know.
Anyway, I'm just doing it to rebuild my confidence.
I fell through the roof of the barn yesterday.
âÂ" I heard.
âÂ" (Pinging) âÂ" Is that Is that common? âÂ" No.
Sort of dangerous, really, I would have thought.
A rickety roof.
Elderly people like Mr Yardley about.
Does he ever go up there? Yeah, I suppose so.
âÂ" Have you seen him up there recently? âÂ" Could have been, yeah.
I wonder what what he'd be doing up there, though.
Making a hole for you to fall through.
(Laughing) No, I've no idea.
âÂ" Hi! âÂ" Hiya.
HelloâÂ"o! âÂ" Hello, hello, hello.
âÂ" Hello.
âÂ" Look.
âÂ" Ah, what's that? Oh, don't! They're maggots.
âÂ" For fishing? âÂ" MmâÂ"hm.
I'm taking steps to lower my stress levels.
Oh, and I've called off the school play.
Good.
Well done.
Derek's gonna rewrite it for a cast of three and I borrowed all this.
You're not gonna sit by a river in the dark, wearing green? That's not you.
I used to do it with Dean when I was a child.
âÂ" Anyway, I think I need the quietness.
âÂ" Quietness? âÂ" Listen.
âÂ" (Silence) Couldn't be more quiet if we were stone deaf.
That's not quietness, that's silence.
Oh, I see.
Excuse me, grasshopper.
Well, maybe it's partly cos I like the idea of being alone.
Alone? Everyone's alone in the country.
We should bus more people in from London.
Anyway, fishing's fun! Look at this.
This is brilliant.
Look.
Oh! (Giggling) (Clanging metal) (Coughing) Bloody hell, it's dark.
âÂ" Oh, hi.
âÂ" Oh, I can see you now.
âÂ" What can I do for you? âÂ" I've never been in a blacksmith's.
I didn't know they were still around.
Except in Mary Poppins.
They were, er, chimney sweeps.
âÂ" Oh, yeah, right.
Right.
âÂ" (Neighing) Er, well I'd love to say I've come for a million horseshoes and a big, curly gate but actually, the only thing I want is I wanna find out what you think of these.
They're pins, right, from a panel in a roof? And they're bent.
And I was wondering if you can tell me, through smithing, whether they look as if they've been fiddled with.
I dunno.
Well, could you take an educated guess? No, not really.
(Hissing) (lan) Right, drop your rods! It's the fish liberation army.
I've come to talk to you about our beliefs.
âÂ" How can I get across? âÂ" You can't.
This side's for fisherfolk only.
âÂ" Well, how's it going? âÂ" Really good.
I caught a bream.
So this is how you deal with your demons, wrestling with huge fish weighing anything up to five ounces.
You're just jealous cos I've got a hobby and I'm starting to feel human again.
Well, it looks incredibly stressful to me.
It's like being a security guard without the good bits.
You know, buildings, warmth, biscuits, the little TVs.
âÂ" So, where've you been today? âÂ" Nowhere.
âÂ" Can we go home now? âÂ" No.
I can feel one about to bite.
Right, I'm coming to take you home the romantic way.
No! No, don't, lan! Don't No, you'll frighten the fish.
(Chuckling) Actually, it's, er It's extremely cold and muddy.
Maybe I'll go back.
Fish.
Ah.
Ah! Ugh.
There you go.
No, my motto is, "A nice face is better than a nice bottom.
" âÂ" You can always disguise a bottom.
âÂ" Absolutely.
See you soon.
Take care.
âÂ" Oh, hi, lan.
âÂ" Hi, Helen.
Hi, Jill.
âÂ" You fell through the barn.
âÂ" Yes.
Ohh.
Ooh, don't say anything.
Jill and I are having a game where we guess what each customer wants.
âÂ" We're all square at fiveâÂ"all.
âÂ" Yes.
Right.
Well, I'd like a taffeta thong and a pair of socks.
If you're not gonna play properly, that's fine.
Sorry, Helen.
Actually, I wanted to have a quick word with you about your dad.
Oh, right.
Apart from your sister, you're the only remotely sane person in your family.
Oh, well, come through.
âÂ" Er âÂ" In here? Yeah.
Erm do you think your father's capable of having somebody killed? Ooh, let me see.
I wouldn't think so.
OK.
I ask because when he told me to go up on the roof of his barn he knew I was drunk.
And he said, "You can see Penfold," which is completely covered by trees.
After I'd fallen I looked at the panel and it was clearly messed around with.
And you know how often he's said he'd like to see me disappear.
âÂ" So, erm âÂ" It's possible.
Yes, I think it is.
I think it is possible.
And it's well, serious.
It's I don't want to die young in a fucking barn.
(Bell tinkles) Well why haven't you been to the police? I can't go to the police.
I don't have any evidence stuff.
Every time I think I'm beginning to understand this place something completely weird happens.
Mrs Newman wants to change this top for something nicer.
âÂ" OK.
Jill âÂ" And then Sorry.
Come here.
And did you know your sister keeps her pubic hair in a matchbox? No.
âÂ" Out shopping? âÂ" What's it look like? Why did you make me get up on the roof of your barn? âÂ" Is that a rhetorical question? âÂ" I've got your number, turkey man.
âÂ" You're upset.
âÂ" Yeah.
Well, let me tell you something.
âÂ" Well, tell me! âÂ" I'm not going anywhere, OK? I'm staying here with your daughter, my wife.
In that house.
OK? Not going anywhere.
Got it? So think of something else.
Sharpen up your scythe or whatever.
(Laughing) âÂ" (Engine crunching) âÂ" All right! It's the bouncing Bogsider.
Boing! Boing! I'm not from the Bogside.
Rumour has it it was a tragically botched bungee jump.
Why's Gavin on the roof of the van? I don't know.
Someone had to be.
âÂ" So are you all right, then, mate? âÂ" Yeah, yeah.
Cool.
See you later, then.
Here, Gav, where are we going? Home or to your mum's? âÂ" Gran's.
âÂ" Gran's house! Yay! (Phone) Hello? No, this is 6922.
Yes, that's right.
Erm, does No, don't go.
It's annoying, isn't it, when you get the wrong number? And the wrong person.
âÂ" But you can still talk âÂ" (Line goes dead) (Door opens) âÂ" Oh, hello! âÂ" Hello.
âÂ" Ohh! âÂ" Oh, it's the late Jacques Cousteau.
I'm sorry.
The carp start to bite just as the sun goes down.
You can see their little mouths quivering under the surface.
Ohh! âÂ" You prepared dinner and everything.
âÂ" Well, I prepared cutlery and everything.
We'll have to get a takeaway.
Why don't you stop fishing and be here more? And we can do this.
We'll have trays and flowers No, it's doing me good.
Why don't you have a go at fishing? Yeah.
Anyway, look at this.
âÂ" A white pubic hair.
âÂ" Oh.
I was rummaging down there.
So it's not stress or anything.
âÂ" Everybody gets one.
âÂ" Oh, thank you.
âÂ" But I can smell the bleach.
âÂ" OK.
But think of all the great people with white hair.
There's Steve Martin.
Er, Santa.
Most of the old monkeys in Planet Of The Apes.
âÂ" Noah.
âÂ" (Laughing) Marilyn Monroe.
Blonde, but kind of severe grey.
Why were you in the blacksmith's yesterday? How Do you have a monitoring device in my skull or something? âÂ" Veronica Dinnah saw you.
âÂ" I was getting some tongs fluted.
âÂ" That's not true, is it? âÂ" No.
I asked the bloke if he thought the pins from the barn roof had been fiddled with.
Oh, so boring and ridiculous and paranoid and Either find some evidence or shut up.
That's what I'm doing.
That's exactly what I'm doing.
How would you feel if I accused your dad âÂ" of trying to kill me? âÂ" That's ridiculous.
He's a nice man.
He gets a nosebleed if he sees people arguing on television.
I know it's difficult.
Remember when I went out with Xavier, that funky gardener that Dad hated? Oh, yes! What happened to him? Moved to Eastbourne.
Said he'd outgrown Snowle, needed to be reâÂ"potted in a town.
Which was a nice little analogy, actually.
So, what do the, erm, stripy little buoy efforts do? A float.
Stops the bait from sinking to the floor of the river.
Oh.
I always thought it would be easier just to use a big net.
You know, a large net.
Where would the fun be in that? In Well, you'd catch some fish.
What shall I do about lan? Did it move just then? No, but my eyes are going funny just staring at it.
I mean, parents don't try to injure their sonâÂ"inâÂ"law, do they? That's like something straight out of What was it? No, no.
God, no, I've got to look away.
Ooh.
(lan) Well, now you've had your way with me again, my little sex pirate I need to show you something.
Look at this.
Now this is your dad moving the ladder so I could climb up and fall in from the the roof.
You see? I took that an hour before it happened.
I didn't notice when I was taking it, I was focusing on the turkey.
I'm sure there's another explanation.
Ohh âÂ" Sorry about the mud.
âÂ" That's all right.
Lovely to see you.
âÂ" Well Well, this is very pleasant.
âÂ" Yeah.
âÂ" Don't see enough of you, Lisa.
âÂ" I'm sorry.
âÂ" D'you want a cup of tea? âÂ" No.
âÂ" I gather you've taken up fishing.
âÂ" Yeah! Seems an odd hobby for a girl.
Or is that the kind of annoying comment fathers make? Yeah, I lent my stuff to lan today, to try it out.
Bugger! Shit! Wank! Shit! Bugger! Wank! Ow! How could you? I know lan's a bit of a loose cannon.
I've tried to accept that.
But how could you think I'd do a thing like that? I have to ask you this.
So you did not try to make lan fall through the roof? Or want him to fall through the roof? No, my little girl.
I want you to be happy.
How would that make you happy, to have the young man you love perish in my barn? Yeah, I know.
I know.
No, that definitely isn't me.
I don't have trousers like that.
No, I think it's Trevor.
He'd been using the ladder to lop the big oak.
Look, I'm trying to like him.
I'll get there.
I'm getting on a bit.
Everything takes longer these days.
Ask your mother.
That's too easy.
Why don't you like him? âÂ" Because he despises people.
âÂ" No.
He thinks others are just fit for laughter.
That's how people are.
Well, maybe you're right.
Maybe that's how they're becoming.
But lan just wants to have fun and wants both of us to be happy.
He's very simple, really.
You do know that if I had to choose, I'd choose him? I'm sorry about all the flashing.
But she'll look nice.
She'll get her vision back.
I'm sorr âÂ" Hello.
âÂ" Hi.
How was it? I had a brilliant chat with my dad.
Yeah? Did he confess and break down and show you the blunderbuss he's gonna use to finish me off? It was Trevor in the photograph.
It wasn't? Mm.
Was it? Oh, well.
Good, I suppose.
I can cancel my plan to have your dad fall into a vat of photographic acid.
Er, I've got some bad news, actually.
What? Er, I went fishing.
And I nipped off for some coffee.
And, erm, when I came back, all the all the gear was stolen.
âÂ" Hm.
âÂ" Well, how terrible for you.
I thought I'd come back to the wrong bit of the river, but Cos it all looks the same.
You know, mud, weeds, reeds, fish.
But I checked and I can confirm it's all gone.
Even though you buried it to keep it safe.
MmâÂ"hm.
How did you know? Jean Lewry was out walking her dog.
Right.
Well, I give up, then.
The country.
It's like living in Peking during the Cultural Revolution.
Anyway, I'm sorry, all right? I was jealous.
You know.
And lonely.
Jealous of your success as a hobbyist.
Why don't you give it up and devote yourself to âÂ" What, to you, darling? âÂ" I prefer the word "us".
All right, I'll think about it, if you stop being so paranoid about my dad.
All right, that sounds fair.
Weird, but fair.
(lan) We could do something together, something we can both do.
We could buy a big seesaw.
âÂ" No, I don't want a seesaw.
âÂ" Why do you just dismiss it? Cos one person's always up and the other's always down.
Ah, but it is a lovely moment when we're both on the same level.