How I Met Your Mother s01e04 Episode Script

Return of the Shirt

OLDER TED: Kids, when you're single, all you're looking for is happily-ever-after, but only one of your stories can end that way.
The rest end with someone getting hurt.
This is one of those stories.
- And it starts with a shirt.
- A shirt? Just listen.
OLDER TED: Because none of this would have happened if it hadn't have been for that shirt.
(MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO) - Nice shirt.
- Right? Right? Look at those colors.
Green and brown, together at last.
- Hot top, bro.
Is it new? - That's the crazy part.
I've had this shirt for, like, six years.
Until this morning, I wasn't into it at all, but now it's like my tastes have changed.
- Booger.
- Yes, hello, Barney.
Barney's offered me 50 bucks to say some stupid word on a live news report.
Not some stupid word.
'Booger.
' - But I'm not doing it.
I am a journalist.
- What? Journalist? You do the little fluff pieces at the end of the news.
Old people, babies, monkeys.
That's not journalism.
That's just things in a diaper.
For your information, my boss is about to bump me up - to the City Hall beat.
- City Hall.
Miss Thing! So I'm not gonna jeopardize my promotion by saying 'booger' for 50 bucks.
Of course not.
'Cause now you're saying 'nipple' and it's $100.
(WHISPERING) Step into my web.
Whose bourbon is this? I don't know.
It was here when we sat down.
The point is, I seem to like bourbon now.
I could have sworn I hated bourbon.
First the shirt, now bourbon.
I spent 27 years making up my mind about things, right? The movie I saw once and hated, the city I'll never go back to 'cause it was raining the day I visited.
Maybe it's time to start forming some second impressions.
You're finally gonna watch Goonies again.
'Sloth love Chunk.
' Not Goonies.
Girls.
What if there's someone from my past who I thought was wrong for me at the time, when, in fact, she, like this shirt, is actually a perfect fit? Hold up.
There are only two reasons to ever date a girl you've already dated.
Breast implants.
This isn't a bad idea.
Let's think.
Ted's greatest hits.
- What about that girl, Steph? - Steph.
Okay, this is difficult to say.
Back when I lived in LA, I was pretty broke, so I spent a month making adult films.
Wow! Okay.
How many did you make? Say what you will about the porn industry, they're hard workers.
What about that chick, Jackie? and my bathing suit had fallen completely off.
I know the feeling.
Once, when I was 16, I was driving and I hit this hitchhiker.
Don't know what happened to him.
Just kept driving.
No.
What about Natalie? - Natalie! - Natalie! Who's Natalie? Natalie.
I had so many fond memories of her.
The tea candles on her dresser.
The sock monkey collection on her bed.
That one Belle and Sebastian song she always listened to.
Her smile.
Man, I haven't seen her in, like, three years.
Well, why did you guys break up? I just wasn't looking for a big commitment at the time.
Course, now a big commitment doesn't seem so bad.
Maybe I should call her.
What do you guys think? You dumped a porn star? Friendship over.
Friendship over! (KNOCKING ON DOOR) Come in.
All right, get back to me then.
- You wanted to see me, Mr.
Adams? - Yes, I did.
I need you to cover a story.
It's down at City Hall.
City Hall? Oh, my God.
So next time you're passing City Hall, make sure and stop by New York's oldest hot dog cart.
Today, a delicious hot dog will cost you $2.
50, but back when the stand first opened in 1955, you could get one for only a nipple.
Reporting live, Robin Scherbatsky, Metro News 1.
I said 'nipple' on the news.
That was so unprofessional.
I said 'nipple' on the news.
At least it's better than 'booger.
' Booger.
There she is.
Hey, is it cold in here? 'Cause I can kind of see Robin's nickels.
Now, for your next challenge.
There is not going to be another challenge.
I don't care how much you offer me.
Oh, search your soul, Robin.
You and I both know this wasn't about the money.
Sure, Metro News 1 pays you jack.
And, hey, a little green salad on the side is good for you, me, and Mr.
McGee.
Seriously, who taIks like that? What baby really likes is the thrill of pulling one over on those bean counters who under-appreciate you and still haven't promoted you.
And, so, for two more hundy-sticks, baby's gonna look in the camera and say this.
(EXCLAIMS) I'm just assuming.
I gotta get back to work.
- See you.
- Bye.
Baby's gonna think about it.
Found it.
I found Natalie's number.
Hey, Ted, nice shirt.
Is it yesterday already? Thank you.
I am calling her.
This is crazy.
I haven't taIked to her in, like, three years.
I wonder if she even remembers me.
(TELEPHONE RINGING) - Hello? - Natalie.
- It's Ted Mosby.
- Go to hell! She remembers me.
- Why would Natalie hang up on you? - I don't know.
- Did you sleep with her sister? - No.
- Did you sleep with her mom? - No.
I'm losing interest in your story.
Well, you must have done something.
Why did you guys break up? He wasn't ready for a commitment.
And her birthday might have been coming up.
Okay, so I didn't want to get a boyfriend-level gift for a girl I was just about to break up with.
So you dumped her right before her birthday? No! I didn't dump her right before her birthday.
Natalie! Hey, happy birthday! Listen Never break up with a girl on her birthday! Lily, please! The shirt! I know! It was a mistake.
- Well, did she cry her eyes out? - I don't know.
How do you not You didn't.
Natalie! Hey, happy birthday! Listen, you're awesome.
You really are awesome.
I'm just, like, super busy right now, so maybe we should just call it a day.
But you're awesome.
- On her answering machine! - Okay.
- And on her birthday! - Lily, come on.
Who breaks up with somebody on their answering machine - on their birthday? - Yeah, dude, e-mail.
Not exactly the point I was trying to make, Marshall.
That is a terrible way to break up with someone.
Okay, in my client's defense, is there an un-terrible way to break up with somebody? No.
Personally, I'd rather hear the bad news on an answering machine than face the humiliation in person.
It's the least painful way you can do it.
- Who are you calling? - Hi, Marshall, it's Lily.
We're not gonna have sex for at least a month, but you're awesome.
Okay, bye-bye.
No, that was a big mistake, Ted.
You should have done it in person.
Thank you.
Desperate, please-don't-leave-me sex is amazing.
Okay, it was childish and stupid.
I just I didn't want to see her cry.
Well, guess what? She cried.
You just didn't have the sack to face those tears.
That was me then, okay? This is the new, old-shirt-wearing, sack-having Ted.
- I'm gonna make this right.
- You know what else? 'My younger sister just got married and I'm about to turn 30' sex.
Fantastic! An occasion that was supposed to be joyous suddenly turned tragic when Ethel and Sadie Margolis, New York's oldest twins, suddenly passed away on this, the eve of their 100th birthday.
I'm a dirty, dirty girl.
Reporting live, Robin Scherbatsky, Metro News 1.
Joel Adams wants to see you in his office.
Before you say anything, I just wanna say I really like working here at Metro News 1.
That's great.
So my dog keeps going (GRUNTING) What? What? Well, you have dogs, right? What do you think that means? Take him to the vet.
(SCOFFS) Genius.
That's one I owe you.
- Was that all? - Yeah.
- And nothing about the twins story? - Oh, yeah.
Great job on that one.
New York loves you.
You're a superstar.
Bye-bye.
That's when Robin realized no one, not even her boss, watched Metro News 1.
(DOORBELL RINGS) Hi.
Natalie, come on.
I just wanna say I'm sorry.
I only came down here 'cause you wouldn't take my call.
Hey, here's an idea.
Why don't you leave a message? (NERVOUS LAUGHING) Good one.
Okay, fine.
I'm just gonna leave this sock monkey here.
Goodbye.
Okay, okay.
Look, look, look, I know you're mad, but happy birthday, three years ago.
Oh, yeah? Up yours, three years ago.
Look, look, I was an idiot, leaving that message.
- I realize how much that sucked.
- No, you don't.
TED: Maybe we should just call it a day.
But you're awesome.
Okay, bye.
Surprise.
There was a surprise party that night? How come nobody told me? People think I can't keep a secret, but I totally can.
Sorry.
Not the issue.
Look, Natalie, I was just a stupid kid back then, terrified of commitment.
And I suppose you're suddenly ready to get married and settle down? Well, yeah, actually.
I'm a different guy now.
Give me another chance.
You must think I have absolutely no self-respect.
Come on.
Just a cup of coffee.
Please, Natalie, give the guy a chance.
Self-respect is overrated.
(BOTH GASPING) Wow! Maybe it was the caffeine, but you really brought your game up to a whole new level.
Thanks.
I did just start subscribing to Esquire.
They have some helpful columns.
The following is from the October issue.
OLDER TED: So Natalie and I started dating again.
And, just like that, it all came back.
The tea candles.
The sock monkeys.
Belle and Sebastian.
All of it.
It seemed like happily-ever-after wasn't far off.
Well, I better run.
I have my Krav Maga class in half an hour.
Krav Maga.
How cool is it that she does Krav Maga? Thanks, honey.
- Bye, guys.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- Take it easy.
Dude, what's Krav Maga? I have no idea.
Some kind of yoga? You know, that Natalie, she's good times.
Yeah, she's, like, the best girl you've dated in years.
- Yeah, Ted, hold on to that one.
- Yeah.
I have to break up with her.
I don't get it, man.
Natalie's awesome.
I know.
She's terrific, but I have to break up with her.
Why couldn't you leave that poor girl alone? I know.
I hate this.
These past three weeks have been great.
I should be in love with her, but I'm not feeling that thing.
It's ineffable.
Ineffable.
Good word.
So when are you gonna do it? She's probably on the subway by now.
You could call her voicemail.
Beep.
Dumped.
Click.
Done.
I have to do this face-to-face.
I just I don't know what I'm gonna say.
- 'I'm not ready for a commitment.
' - Oh, that's such a cliché.
It's not a cliché.
It's a classic.
It's the Stairway to Heaven of break-up lines.
- Well, I think Natalie deserves better.
- Better.
There's no 'better' in breaking up.
There's only less awful.
A cliché is a cliché for a reason.
It's comforting.
It doesn't matter.
I already told her I am ready for a commitment so Oh, my God, there's no way out.
I'm gonna have to marry her.
No, no.
We're gonna get you out of this.
Okay.
How about, 'It's not you.
It's me'? Six words.
'You look fat in those jeans.
' You're free to go.
Ted, have you considered telling her the truth? Seriously, honey, men are working here.
Ted, what is the truth? Why do you wanna break up with her? The truth? She's not the one.
- So tell her that.
- Oh, you can't tell her that.
That's horrible.
Why? What is so horrible about that? Yeah, what is so horrible about that? She's not the one.
Why is that such a heart-breaking thing to hear? The chances of one person being another person's 'the one' are, like, six billion-to-one.
Yeah, you have better chances of winning the lottery.
Exactly.
You wouldn't take it personally if you lost the lottery.
All right, man, tell her the truth.
She's gonna cry.
Yeah, and he's gonna sit there, and he's gonna take it like a man.
- I have to do the mature thing.
- Wanna taIk mature? I just wrapped up a live newscast by honking my own boobs.
And great TV was had by all.
All right, Scherbatsky, new challenge.
And this one's big, but so is the cash reward.
For $1,000 You heard me.
All you have to do is get up there on the news and do one of these.
- What the hell is that? - ALL: The Ickey Shuffle.
Then, as you do it, you say this, 'Elbert 'Ickey' Woods, the Bengals were fools to cut you in '91.
'Your 1,525 rushing yards 'and your 27 touchdowns will not be forgotten.
'So, Coach Dave Shula, screw you and your crappy steakhouse.
' Just write it down for me.
What do I care? It's not like anyone's watching anyway, right? And she's gonna cry.
Sloth love Chunk.
Thanks, Lil.
So the next night, I took Natalie out to dinner to do the mature thing.
Look, Natalie, there's something I have to say.
Oh, wait, wait.
There's something I have to say first.
Today at work I had not one, not two, but three birthday cakes.
So, tonight, can we just skip the cake? - Today is your birthday? - Yeah.
No, it's okay.
I wasn't telling anyone about it.
Today is your birthday! - I didn't get you anything.
- Oh, it's okay.
You know, you've already given me the best present of all.
I can trust again.
You're welcome.
Oh, so much more wine.
Henry, as New York's oldest hansom-cab driver, you've seen quite a lot.
In your past 60 years on the job, what is your most exciting memory? Well - This is it.
- Oh, boy, here we go.
Everyone, everyone, if I may direct your attention to the television.
You are about to see something amazing.
And then in '72, Mickey Mantle rode in my cab for the fourth time.
Come on, baby, bring it home.
But the most exciting moment, that would have to be this one, right now.
- What? - Look at me.
I'm on TV.
I never thought I'd have my story told.
Thank you, Miss Robin Scherbatsky.
Thank you.
OLDER TED: And, right then, Aunt Robin realized how important her job truly was.
It's an honor to tell your story, Henry.
You know, Metro News 1 may not be number one in viewership, but this reporter takes pride in (EXCLAIMS) ROBIN: Oh, my God, I'm covered in horse crap! And it's in my hair! - You planned that? - My knee! No, Marshall.
That was beyond my wildest dreams.
So if you ever come to Alabama, my mom throws these huge crawfish boils, and she's just dying to meet you, by the way.
Look, Natalie, there's something I have to say, and there's no good way to say it.
I wanna break up.
I don't think you're the one for me.
I don't wanna waste your time, because I really like you.
I wanna do right by you, and I think the best way for me to do that is just to be honest.
I'm sorry.
Just let it out.
They're only tears.
(GRUNTS) I'm not the one for you! I'm sorry.
I just I thought the mature thing to do would be - It's my birthday.
- Yes, I know.
I didn't realize that it was It's my birthday, and you're telling me I'm not the one for you? It's really not such a big deal.
I mean, it's the odds.
It's like you lost the lottery.
Oh, so dating you is like winning the lottery? - No, no, no.
I didn't mean that.
- Okay, so what's the problem? - I can't explain it.
- Try.
- It's ineffable.
- I'm not F-able? No, no, no, no, ineffable.
'Ineffable' means it can't be explained.
- Oh, so I'm stupid? - Oh, God, what's going on? Okay, what's going on is you broke my heart over my answering machine, on my birthday, waited three years for me to get over you, tracked me down, begged me to go out with you again, only so you could dump me three weeks later, again on my birthday! No, it's not like that.
I'm just - (STAMMERING) It's - What? I'm just, like, super busy right now.
OLDER TED: Remember when Natalie said I have my Krav Maga class in half an hour.
Turns out Krav Maga is not a kind of yoga.
It's a form of guerrilla street-fighting developed by the Israeli army.
(GRUNTING) This is compliments of those two gentlemen at the bar.
This is compliments of those two gentlemen at the bar.
- 'My knee!' - 'It's in my hair!' But isn't it nice to know people are watching? - Oh, my God! Are you all right? - What happened to you? Told the truth.
Turns out the truth has a mean roundhouse kick.
Oh, man.
Oh, well, you did the right thing.
I'm proud of you.
I'm bleeding internally.
Hey, Ted, you know what always picks me up when I'm down? Other people's misfortune.
You missed something so amazing.
Please, can we just have one person in this whole bar who didn't see it? Fine.
Are you okay? I really thought I was doing it the good way this time.
I guess there is no good way.
Sometimes, no matter how hard you try to do the right thing, you just end up flat on your back, flailing around in a big pile of horse crap.
- You saw it? - My phone gets the Internet now.
(BARNEY LAUGHING) It's okay.
And that's how it ended with Natalie.
No happily-ever-after.
Just a whole lot of hurt.
And, just like that, all those wonderful memories were replaced by this one.
But, you know, bad as that night was, within a year Natalie was married.
And now she has three beautiful children.
So that's the upside of hurt.
Sometimes it happens for a reason.
Wow.
So you got beat up by a girl? Is that all you're taking away from this story? You got beat up by a girl.
Hey, she knew Krav Maga.