How I Met Your Mother s01e19 Episode Script

Mary the Paralegal

Her favorite CD in the Otis Redding box set? Disk three.
My favorite? Any guesses? Anyone? Come on.
Disk three! God, Victoria's so amazing.
I could taIk about her for hours.
What do you mean could? I'm sorry.
It's just God, I'm crazy about this girl.
It feels like, maybe - I don't wanna say it.
- Trust that impulse, Ted.
Hey, something kind of cool just happened.
My story on Pickles, the singing dog, just got nominated for a Local Area Media Award.
- A LAMA? - We prefer Local Area Media Award.
Um, there's gonna be this big banquet.
I know these things aren't much fun, but it would really mean a lot to me if you guys came.
Oh, well And there's an open bar.
- Oh, yes! - Word up! Put me down for two.
- Really? It's three months away.
- I know.
But, guys, I'm sorry, I'm gonna say it.
I have a feeling Victoria's gonna be around for a long time.
I'm gonna miss Victoria.
I should just skip this thing entirely.
Robin is still pissed at me after, you know You lied and said you were broken up with Victoria before you actually were, so you could try to nail Robin, and you wound up losing both girls in one night.
Yes, that's what I meant by, 'You know' I haven't seen her in three weeks.
She won't return my calls.
- Look, I shouldn't go.
- You should definitely go.
Look, it's a chance to show her you're still friends and that you support her.
Or it's a chance to mess with her head by showing up with someone hotter.
Even better, triple threat, hotter and bigger boobs.
- That's only two.
- Count again.
Barney, I'm not bringing a date even if I wanted to.
The thing's in two hours.
- So get an escort.
- By escort, you mean prostitute? - Why not? - Because gross? Oh, what, gross? What, you have some puritanical hang-up about prostitution? Dude, it's the world's oldest profession.
- You really think that's true? - Oh, yeah.
I bet even Cro-Magnons used to give cave-hookers, like, an extra fish for putting out.
Uh-huh.
So, then, the oldest profession would be fisherman.
Kaboom! You've been lawyered.
Come on, Ted.
Let's get you a hooker.
It'll be fun.
Okay.
To bring to the banquet and hang out with ironically - or to actually have sex with? - Yes.
No, it's illegal.
And did I mention gross? That's adorable.
Ted, you're such a hayseed.
The companionship business is the growth industry of the 21st century.
You do realize that one out of every eight adult women in America is a prostitute.
- You just made that up.
- Withdrawn.
Lawyered.
(GROANS) The point is How long has it been? Fifty-seven days.
- Is that your water? May I? - Yeah, go ahead.
Much obliged.
Fifty-seven days! Ted, you are in a slump.
No, it's not a slump.
It's an intentional hiatus from girls.
A slump is when you strike out every time you step up to the plate, but I'm off the roster, baby.
I'm in the locker room sitting in the whirlpool.
And I'll tell you something, it feels pretty good.
Yeah.
You know what else is in that locker room? A bunch of naked dudes hanging brain.
Ted, you need a lady, and I've got the next best thing.
Mary.
She lives in my building.
She's smart.
She's hot.
She's totally cool.
Oh, she sounds great.
And, who knows, maybe we will wind up getting married someday, you know, if we can get a blessing from her pimp.
You wanna judge a fellow human being based solely on one external characteristic? That's racism.
And I do not drink with racists.
Good day! You're just waiting for me to speak, so you can I said good day! So should I wear my hair up or down? So should I wear my hair up or down? - Lily.
- What? - You okay? - Oh, yeah.
Sorry.
I'm just exhausted from work.
The stupid school board took away naptime in all kindergarten classes, and now the kids are just going crazy by the end of the day.
And it's much harder to deal with because, well, I don't get my nap.
Oh, wait, you were taking naps when the kids were? Is that safe? Oh, they're only five.
What are they gonna do to me? - Ted's still coming to this thing, right? - Yep.
Do you think, hypothetically, it would be weird if I bring a date? Look at you, Scherbatsky, blatantly trying to make Ted jealous.
(STAMMERING) No, it's just this guy at the station.
I never get involved with coworkers, but he asked me and I said yes.
- Is it gonna be weird? - No, it's not gonna be weird at all.
- Robin's bringing a date.
- That's gonna be really weird.
- I know.
- Okay.
- Robin's bringing a date.
- Oh.
Okay, that's not weird.
She's bringing a date.
I'm glad she's moving on.
- Dude, it's gonna be weird.
- No, it's fine.
Look, in spite of whatever happened between us, Robin and I are still friends.
I don't think it'll be weird.
- Yeah, it won't be weird.
- Thank you.
Because you're gonna bring your own date.
- Hello, Barney.
- Hi, Mary.
Have you met Ted? - Nice to meet you, Ted.
- Hi, Mary.
Wow! It's, uh, nice to meet you, too.
So, we're going to an award show? Yep.
Could you just excuse us for one minute? - Barney? - See you in two shakes, Mar.
You two make yourselves comfortable.
What the hell? Dude, your narrow-minded views on professional fornicators are harshing my mellow.
- So, I got you a date for the evening.
- You got me a hooker.
A really hot A hooker! Think about it.
This is perfect.
A, it will make Robin insanely jealous.
B, you get to have sex with her.
And C, maybe by getting to know Mary, you'll come to see that courtesans are people, too.
And D, B all night long.
I'm not taking a prostitute to Robin's banquet.
Dude, the only people who will know are you, me and Marshall.
No one will suspect a thing.
They'll just see you with this unbelievably smoking hot girl and Okay, yeah, that's a little bit suspicious.
Look, I'm just trying to expand your horizons a little bit tonight.
But if you're not interested, fine, I'm out 500 bucks.
Whatever.
Five hundred bucks, you? Ted, you're my cabrón.
You think I'm gonna stick you with some toothless tranny from the Port Authority? Look at how hot she is.
Robin would be so jealous.
I'm not trying to make Robin jealous, Barney.
Look, I Tell Mary thanks, but no thanks.
I have a soul.
OLDER TED: And then your Uncle Marshall and I had one of our famous telepathic conversations.
- Check out Robin's date.
- I know.
- Is that who I think it is? - Yep.
It's Sandy Rivers.
OLDER TED: Sandy Rivers was the face ofMetro News 1, the most low-budget cable news channel ever.
Sandy time.
Sandy time! He was best known for his morning segment in 'Today's Paper,' during which he literally flipped through today's paper reading it aloud to viewers.
Here we have on the front page a story about a I guess a guy in a superhero costume climbing the Empire State Building.
Looks interesting.
OLDER TED: These idiotic filler pieces were a guilty pleasure of ours.
Oh, which Sandy do we want today? Uh - French Sandy, porn-star Sandy - Yosemite Sandy, definitely.
Excellent choice.
(LAUGHING) SANDY: I raised these as a child.
I tell you it's not easy.
(BOTH LAUGHING) I love this guy.
I hate this guy.
- Hey.
Hi.
- Hi.
- I'm Lily.
- I'm Mary.
Nice to meet you.
Mary is a friend of Barney's.
Barney invited her.
Just met Mary ourselves.
Don't know too much about Mary.
Look, a beer.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- You look nice.
- Oh, Ted, this is Sandy.
Hi, Sandy Rivers.
Use my full name.
People get a kick out of it.
Hi, Sandy Rivers.
- So, are you two - Starting a bunch of office rumors? Looks that way.
Looks that way.
Oh, how rude of me.
Robin, Sandy Rivers, this is Mary, my date.
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the 45th annual Local Area Media Awards.
Please say hello to our host for the evening, king of the Saturday afternoon kung fu movie, Vampire Lou.
Tonight we celebrate the very best in broadcasting and the triumph of the human spirit.
Man, Vampire Lou just looks great.
I can't believe I'm on a date with a hooker.
Yeah, I can't believe you let her and Lily go to the ladies' room together, man.
Secrets come out in there.
Oh, please, how's it gonna come out? 'Pass me a towel.
P.
S.
I have sex for money.
' - Who had sex for money? - Nobody.
What did you guys taIk about in there, anything interesting? No, not really.
We just chitchatted, and I borrowed her lipstick.
Yeah, why is Vampire Lou the host of a Saturday afternoon kung fu movie? You know? It just makes no sense.
God, that pisses me off.
Lily, you okay? Oh, yeah, I'm just tired.
And when I get tired, I get cranky.
Really? I couldn't imagine you cranky.
'Really? I couldn't imagine you cranky.
' Wow.
Why are you so tired? Well, I teach kindergarten, and the school board took away my naptime The kids' naptime.
Lily, quit your job.
Work at a private school.
You won't have to deal with the school board, - and you'll make a ton more money.
- Well, guess what, Barney? I don't base all my life decisions on how much money I'm gonna make, unlike you and sadly my fiancé.
Well, it's just an internship for the record for everybody Yeah, because if I did sacrifice all my values just for an easy buck, - what would that make me? - A prostitute.
Exactly.
Thank you, Mary.
- So, Mary, what do you do for a living? - She's a paralegal.
Yes, I'm a paralegal.
ROBIN: So, Mary the paralegal.
What does a paralegal do exactly? I just assist with day-to-day clerical work in a law firm, downtown.
- Oh, what firm? - Douglas, O'Halloran and Stamp.
- That's a real law firm.
- I know.
Nice.
- Pretty good on your feet.
- Are you flirting with me? - Is that allowed? - Yes, it's encouraged.
(STAMMERING) You know, I wouldn't normally say this on a first date, but, well, considering, I'm just gonna say it.
You are so hot.
- Well, thank you.
- You're welcome.
Mary, Ted is a great guy.
You hold on to him.
Don't let him out of your sight for a minute.
So, Sandy, what do you do? Oh, wait, I know what you do.
You're the guy who reads the paper in the morning.
You got me.
What do you do, Ted? Oh, same thing as you.
I read the paper every morning.
But then after that, I finish my coffee and I go to my real job as an architect, where I make an actual contribution to the world.
I'm just kidding.
Love your show.
You're terrific.
Thanks.
I never tire of hearing that.
Hey, you know that scene in Empire where they lower the helmet onto Darth Vader's head? Do you think that's how Sandy puts his hair on in the morning? You just insulted someone I hate by referencing something I love.
Damn! You just got even hotter.
OLDER TED: And so, as the night wore on, I started to realize this girl, despite what she did for a living, was kind of great.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Mary seems nice.
Have you kissed her yet or are you waiting until you're in a serious relationship with someone else? Yeah.
I've been meaning to apologize for everything that happened.
And just like that it's all okay.
Roll credits.
So you're gonna be mad at me forever? What, we're not even friends now? - We're still friends.
- We're Are we? You don't return my calls.
We never hang out.
And now you're trying to make me jealous by waving Edward R.
Moron in my face? Oh, and Paralegally Blonde isn't here in her low-cut dress to make me jealous? Oh, so now she's a whore? - What? - You know something? Mary the paralegal is awesome.
And you know what else? I didn't come here tonight to make you jealous.
I came here to support you as a friend, and frankly, I'm sick of trying.
I like that guy.
- Hey.
- Hey.
What were you guys taIking about over there? Oh, I was, uh, just telling my friend that I think you're awesome.
Well, thanks.
You know, this is one of the nicer hotels I've ever been in.
Oh, yeah, my friend did the remodel.
You should see the rooms, the views are amazing.
Yeah? Maybe it's too bad we don't have a room.
Room 1506, my treat.
You kids go nuts.
Actually, don't use the minibar.
Do it.
Come on, Ted, do it.
This is one of those things you have to do before you turn 30.
- Sleep with a prostitute? - No, lose your virginity.
What up! Statistic.
Men who have had at least one relationship with a prostitute are 75% more likely to have success in future relationships.
- You just made that up.
- Withdrawn.
Lawyered.
Okay, three things.
First of all, Robin's category is almost up.
And second of all, you cannot do this.
It's wrong on every level.
And third, I've been placing small items in Sandy's hair all night, and he still hasn't noticed.
I know I can't do this.
I'm not doing this.
It's just It's a shame.
She's really cool.
- Yeah, well Here we go.
- All right.
Brampton for 'A Bicycle.
Joy Ride or Deathtrap?' Mike Murphy for 'Thirteen, Pregnant and Addicted.
' And Robin Scherbatsky for 'Pickles, the Singing Dog.
' And the winner is Robin Scherbatsky.
(PEOPLE CHEERING) Thanks.
Oh, wow.
This is really a surprise.
You know, it's nice to be able to share this award with my friends.
They're all here tonight.
Marshall, Lily, Sandy Rivers (ROBIN GIGGLES) Barney.
And that's it.
Those are all my friends.
Thank you.
- Congratulations.
- Oh, thanks.
- Um, Sandy, do you want to get a cab? - Sure.
Let's go.
Yeah, this party is dead.
Mary, you wanna go upstairs? We got a room.
- Dude, what are you doing? - What's it look like? It looks bad, is what it looks like.
You cannot do this.
Marshall, she is a really cool girl when you get to know her.
- Besides, I'm trying to make Robin jealous.
- Oh, that's real mature.
Marshall, what is up with you and Ted? Nothing, baby.
Don't worry about it.
Fine.
Do what you want.
Hey.
Should we go? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
Thanks.
Well, good night.
Good night.
So, did you and Barney ever - There's not enough money in the world.
- Oh, thank God.
Yeah.
(SIGHS) - Wow, so they're - Uh-huh.
- Robin, where's Sandy Rivers? - I put him in a cab.
- So, wait, you and he aren't - I don't date people I work with.
I was just trying to make Ted jealous.
- Is he - He's off trying to make you jealous.
Oh, well, good for them.
And, you know, if Ted likes her, she's probably pretty cool.
Lily, I know you're asleep, but I have to tell someone this, and we tell each other everything.
So here it goes.
Mary's not a paralegal.
She's a prostitute.
Mary's a prostitute? - What? - Barney paid for her.
Barney, is that true? We were having a conversation about prostitution.
And then Barney calls her up, and then she shows up at the bar, and now she and Ted are upstairs.
Okay, seriously, what is going on with Ted, lately? Is he having a nervous breakdown? You know, Barney, for anyone else this would be a new low, but sadly, for you, it's just a new middle.
Oh, my God, I used her lipstick.
Oh! That's her napkin.
(EXCLAIMING) Okay, well, I guess now is as good a time as any.
In keeping with tonight's award show motif, I'd like to announce this evening's big twist ending.
(EXCLAIMS) Vampire Lou, would you do the honors? 'Mary is not really a prostitute.
' - What? - That's all, Vampire Lou.
Nicely done.
- So she's not - No.
Mary is just a paralegal who lives in my building.
Oh! And here's the best part.
She has no idea that Ted thinks she's a hooker.
(BARNEY LAUGHING) Oh, come on.
If you don't laugh, it just seems mean.
(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS) Feel kind of like Richard Gere.
- Not shy about your looks, are you? - No.
You know, Mary, I've never done this before.
- Done what? - You know, been on a date.
Right.
- Wait, you're kidding, right? - No.
Why, is that so odd? Well, Ted, I mean, I've been going on dates since I was 15.
God, you were just a kid.
Well, look, let's just have a few drinks.
We'll relax Yeah, that sounds great.
I had clients riding me all day long.
- Must be tough.
- Yeah.
I mean, this one guy just wouldn't leave me alone.
I mean, taIk about anal.
Here we are.
Okay, look.
Mary, I like you a lot.
(STAMMERING) I'm sort of amazed at how much I like you.
But I can't do this, you're a hooker.
What? Look, maybe I'm old-fashioned, but I'm sorry, that's a deal-breaker for me.
I'm not gonna have sex with a prostitute.
Ted, I'm a paralegal.
Come on, Mary, there's no one else around.
You're a hooker.
No, Ted.
I'm a paralegal.
No, you're a hooker.
No, I'm a paralegal.
You're a paralegal.
(LAUGHING) - That was not funny.
- Not funny, dude.
I know.
It was hilarious.
- Why would you do that? - I did it to prove a point.
(SCOFFS) What point? Stay with me, it's gonna come to me.
Okay, here's the point.
You thought that Mary was a sure thing, right? So what happened? She took you up to a hotel room on the first date.
All you have to do is be that confident with every girl you meet and your slump's over.
So the message is, I should treat every woman like a whore? Come on, dude.
You should be thanking me.
She slapped me and stormed off.
Can you blame her? You called her a hooker.
I'm sorry, dude.
It was funny.
Yeah.
Well, it's getting late.
- I should get back to my room.
- Your room? Yeah, that really expensive hotel room you put on your credit card, never checked out.
By the way, you know what's super fun? Pouring Dom Perignon down a bathtub drain.
Well, it's almost 3:00.
Got a massage.
Toodles! Come on.
If you don't laugh, it just seems mean.