How I Met Your Mother s02e02 Episode Script

The Scorpion and the Toad

Marshall and Lily had been together for nine wonderful years, until she dumped him and ran off to San Francisco.
The healing process was taking a long time.
Then, one night, he made a giant leap forward.
All right, I'll see you guys later.
I'll walk you out.
See ya.
You just checked out Robin's ass.
What? No! No, Barney, I was Dude, that's awesome.
You're finally forgetting about that short redhead.
Lily.
Yes, Lily.
Thank you.
That was going to drive me crazy all night.
Hey, Ted, Marshall just checked out your girlfriend's ass.
- I did not, Ted, I - That's awesome.
You're finally getting better.
This is the moment I've been waiting for.
Starting tonight, I am going to teach you how to live.
Ted, you had your chance.
You're out; Marshall's in.
- Yes! - Oh, God.
Marshall, being a single guy in New York City is like What's something everybody likes? Candy.
Yes, it's like being in a candy store.
You just walk right in and grab yourself some Whoppers.
Yeah.
Is Whoppers the best one? Mounds.
Milk Duds.
Gobstoppers.
This went on for another hour; I'll just skip to the end.
- Dubble Bubbles.
- Nice! Marshall.
We're doing this.
I am not taking no for an answer.
Fine.
Hey, Robin.
Marshall checked out your ass.
Ted, what is wrong with you? He checked out my ass.
Hey, tell him thanks.
I felt like I was having a bad ass day.
Cool, see ya.
Lily.
It is a great ass.
None of us had seen Lily in three months.
There were so many unanswered questions, so many things to say.
Your hair is adorable.
Meanwhile, Barney was taking Marshall out to meet women for the first time since he was 17.
Hi.
Have you met Marshall? - Hi.
- Hi.
Look how sweaty my hands are.
It's weird, right? Uh, sweat? Like, this smelly water coming out of your skin.
It was nice meeting you.
I-I-I hate to interrupt, but, uh, do you like magic? Um, I guess.
Oh, my God! Anyway, Marshall here is awesome.
Salad in a bag? His idea.
Dude! You were awesome last night.
You were charming, you were funny, you were totally working that girl.
You went home with her.
Yes, I did.
But she told me that if it wasn't for me, you would have had a shot with her, so, in hypothetical terms, you scored last night.
All right! Hypothetical high five.
Nice.
All right.
Tonight, we're going to go to the bar Barney, no, I am not going out with you ever again.
Come on! I'll, I'll teach you all of my strategies.
Oh, really? My favorite, number seven: create a mystery about yourself.
That way, they become so intrigued, they have to hang out with you all night.
Oh, come on, does that really work? Maybe it does, and maybe it doesn't.
Damn it, that's intriguing.
Okay, I'm in.
- I have something you've got to hear.
- You will not believe what just happened.
You go first.
I found a 1939d penny on the subway.
Just imagine the kind of history this little copper guy Lily's back in town.
And you let me go first? Have you seen her? Yeah.
I actually went apartment-hunting with her today.
How's she doing? You're not going to like it.
I am doing great.
This summer, best thing ever! San Francisco is so happening right now.
She's happy?! Marshall had the worst summer of his life, and she's happy.
Yeah, and I suppose her art program was all fulfilling or whatever.
Oh.
The art program-- best thing ever.
Oh, my God.
This is your best work.
In all my years teaching, I've never seen anything so Needless to say, this is art.
I can't teach you anything.
But the best part of S.
F.
-- Oh, that's what we call San Francisco-- the people.
Even just riding around on the bus all summer.
It was like a human tapestry.
Hi, I'm Mike.
I'm a Buddhist monk slash adventure-traveler writer.
I'm Paula.
I sing in a punk band for children.
Yeah.
I'm Dan, I'm a neurosurgeon.
You are stunning, by the way.
Wow.
I'm so happy for you.
Oh, she's such a After what she did to Marshall, she should come back here devastated, crawling on all fours over the broken glass of her own shame and regret.
You never chose sides.
I respect that.
She's unbelievable.
Unbelievable.
Unbelievable? What's unbelievable? Oh.
Listen, Marshall.
Ted found a penny on the subway, and it's old, and that's interesting.
Way to go.
Okay, first of all, that is interesting.
Second, we have to tell him.
No, we don't.
He's just starting to get better, going out with Barney.
I mean, how do you think he's going to feel when he hears Lily's moved on? - She's moved on? - It happens.
I've fallen out of love faster than that before, sometimes, boom, with no warning whatsoever.
One day we're in love, the next day, he's dead to me.
But we're great.
Honey.
Now, let's review Barney's rules for mating without dating.
Lesson two, corollary five.
Make a beautiful woman feel self-conscious and unattractive and she'll be putty in your hands.
Excellent.
Have you chosen your entree? I have.
Sweet brunette, eight o'clock.
Nine o'clock.
Ten thirty.
She's walking to the bar.
- Her? Really? - Yeah.
No, you're right.
Ambition is the enemy of success.
Okay.
Hit it.
What's the matter, four eyes, you got astigmatism or something? I'm sorry, I was trying to playfully disarm you, but I just got out of a long relationship.
I have no idea what I'm doing.
I'm Marshall.
Hi, Marshall.
Amy.
Don't worry.
I've been there.
Hold on.
Nice recovery.
I think it's working.
Um, Amy.
This is my friend, Barney.
Barney, this is Amy.
Hi, Barney.
Nice to meet you.
Hi.
Amy, do you like magic? - I hate you.
- I am so sorry.
It's a sickness.
I'm the real victim here.
Twice.
Twice in a row, you took my candy.
That was my candy.
- I know, but tonight - No.
Forget it.
You're such a jackass.
I thought you were gonna call me a jerk.
All right, I'm sorry.
I will make it up to you.
Tonight, we'll go to a college bar near NYU-- The Scorpion and the Toad.
I figure in a younger crowd you'll seem more mature, more worldly and, as a third-year law student, more smarter.
Okay, but no magic.
How did you do that? I'm taking a leak, dumb ass.
The next day, Robin and I went apartment-hunting with aunt Lily.
But I need the freedom to really chase my passion, which was painting, but now I think it's music or spoken word-- maybe both.
God! Isn't life amazing? It is so great to see you, Ted.
I'm going to get the key from the lockbox.
What? She's miserable.
She's realized she's made a huge mistake.
Her and Marshall will be back together in a week.
I love it! Um, no.
You just want Lily to be miserable.
The truth is, she's happy.
Trust me.
I've known Lily for nine years.
Trust me.
I'm a girl.
Yeah, but you're Canadian.
- Why do you always have to bring that up? - You're our weird neighbors to the north.
- You bring it up every time.
- Five bucks says she still wants Marshall.
You're on.
Five American bucks.
Damn it.
Okay, so how do we get the truth out of her.
Tequila.
It's her weakness.
Three shots, she'll tell you the truth about anything.
I hope this is my new home.
Yeah, I'm going to take that first apartment.
Marshall Eriksen, suit up! No way.
Yeah, you're good in that.
- Let's go.
- Wait.
Empty your pockets.
Come on.
- Come on, let's - Sleeves.
- There is nothing in my - Oh, is that right? Let's go.
- Behind my ear.
- There is nothing behind your Yeah, I'm in pre-law.
The workload's killing me, though.
Oh, tell me about it.
I'm third year at Columbia Law, so if the workload does kill you, I can probably get a conviction.
Yeah.
You must be majoring in chemistry, 'cause what I'm picking up between us is, uh College lesbian phase.
Listen, I got to go, but it'd be great to see you again.
Yes, it would.
It really would.
Well, maybe I'll see you here sometime.
Probably not.
I'm never here, so You know, I do have a phone number.
Great.
Nice.
- Hi, I'm Barney.
- Oh, no.
Do you mind giving my friend your phone number? Sure.
Whoo! I did it! I got a girl's phone number.
Oh, and her handwriting is so cute, look.
Oh, I'm gonna take her out for Chinesr food and then maybe we'll walk through the park.
It'll be so what? Sorry, buddy, I'm taking this one, too.
I'll kill you! And then, I discovered this area, North Beach.
Best beach ever! Oh, I've been blabbering on about my summer.
How are you guys doing? And hey, how's Marshall? - Give me the card! - I'm not giving you any card.
- I swear! - You are not getting! Terrific.
That is so good to hear.
Oh, hold on.
This could be about the apartment.
Okay, we're way past truth-telling-Lilly and about to hit Cinco-de-Mayo-1998-Lilly and I'm not cleaning that up again.
So, congratulations, you win.
She's happy.
I didn't get it.
That first apartment, I I waited too long and somebody else got it.
Interesting.
Wow, Lily, you, uh seem to be having a pretty strong reaction on losing an apartment.
I wonder if it's because it reminds you of something else you lost because you couldn't commit.
No, Lily, you're crying over the crown molding and the real hardwood floors.
There's no deeper meaning.
Right, Lily? Just quit crying and tell him.
The apartment is a metaphor for Marshall.
- Stop it! - You don't want to see - .
.
what I'm like when I'm angry.
- It's my card! Stop! Hold on! If we can't settle this like gentlemen, then no one gets the number.
- No! Stop the cab.
- Wha? No, wait.
Come on.
Marshall! Ah, she does have cute handwriting.
The thing about a hangover is that everyone has their own special remedy.
Morning, guys.
What can I get you? Shh! Bring me the dirtiest, greasiest tuna melt you got.
And a milkshake.
For you, sir? Gravy.
You want that gravy on something? Surprise me.
I'd take you with gravy if my boyfriend wasn't sitting right here.
Just kidding.
I'm good.
What are you so chirpy about? She's still drunk from last night.
I don't think so.
Whoo! Look, if you want Marshall back so bad, how come it took you two days to even ask about him? I was dying to ask.
I was just trying to play it cool.
But really But it's good, I mean, work is great Come on, say something about Marshall.
Where's Marshall? How's Marshall? What's Marshall doing right now? Shut up and talk about Marshall.
Shut up and talk about Marshall.
Shut up and talk about Marshall.
Marshall, Marshall, Marshall, Marshall I've got to ask! And hey, how's Marshall? It was such an awful summer.
I just wanted to get back here and see him.
But I thought your summer was great.
Not exactly.
Oh, my God.
This is you best work? In all my years teaching, I've never seen anything so needless.
To say this is art I can't teach you anything.
So all those interesting people you met on the bus? Yeah, um Hi.
I'm Mike.
I'm a Buddhist monk slash adventure travel writer.
I'm Paula.
I sing in a punk band for children.
Hey, I'm Dan.
I'm a neurosurgeon.
You are stunning, by the way.
I never got in touch because I was too embarrassed.
I screwed everything up.
I have no job, no place to live.
I lost the love of my life.
I know I have no right to ask this, but do you think Marshall would take me back? In a heartbeat.
If you called him up, yeah, he'd take you back with open arms.
Wow.
So maybe I should call him.
Maybe.
No! This is Ow! Hold on.
Look, if you're going to go back to him, I don't want to hear the word "maybe.
" "Maybe" cannot be in your vocabulary.
This breakup almost killed him.
And he cannot go through it again.
So, unless you're absolutely certain, stay the hell away from him.
This guy likes pennies.
Hi, Marshall.
No, go away.
I don't want to talk to you.
Okay, I know what I did a couple nights back is in a moral gray area.
But the great news is, she loved you.
If things had gone your way-- you'd gone out a couple times, I think she definitely would have had sex with you.
There's no "would" in sex.
You're right, I totally I'm just no good at this, Barney.
I'm good at being in a couple, I'm good at being Lily's boyfriend.
Being single-- forget it.
Come on, you can't give up now.
What if I told you that you could relive that night with the exact same conversations, the exact same jokes only this time, you get her and I don't.
That's not possible.
Oh, but it is.
She has wait for it here it comes almost there an identical twin.
Yes! A twin isn't the same person.
Of course it is.
What do you think identical means? "Ident"-- same, "ical"-- person.
Same person.
Hey, we could double date.
Fine.
But you have to promise me, you're not going to steal my new twin, and leave me with your old, used-up twin.
Used-up? They're a human being, Marshall.
So Uncle Marshall and Uncle Barney went out on a double date with the twins.
How you doing? Great.
Amazing.
This is so much fun.
And I think me and the girl are really clicking.
You are, you definitely are.
Listen, you're going to have to leave now.
I just talked with the twins, and get this, I'm going home with both of them.
Yeah.
That's happening.
It is impossible that you're doing this to me again.
But they're twins.
You-- you said to me that being single would be like being in a candy store.
Well, it's not, it's not like a candy store.
It's a lawless, postapocalyptic wasteland.
- I may be your best friend - Actually Ted's my best friend.
But in this world, it's every hombre for himself.
That's what being single is.
And after nine years in captivity, that is the single greatest lesson I can teach you about surviving in the wild.
Now, if you'll excuse me I have two unique breasts and two duplicates waiting for me.
Oh, bad news-- Marshall got food poisoning.
- What? - Oh, no.
That's too bad.
I really liked him.
Yeah.
Well, I guess we're just a threesome tonight.
Lily, what are you doing here? Oh, I was just walking by.
I wasn't Oh, you mean New York? My program ended.
It was just great.
Just lots of fun It was awful.
It was the worst mistake I ever made.
I'm so sorry, Marshall, and hello.
Lily, this was the worst summer of my life.
I know.
It was the worst summer of my life.
It was the hardest thing that I've ever had to go through.
Can we please get back together? All that crap you said to me about, "we need to figure out who we are outside of us, and we need to learn to do things on our own," it broke my heart.
Three months ago, you broke my heart.
Can we please get back together? Lily, you were right.
All that crap was right.
So, no.
No, we can't get back together.
We shouldn't.
At least, not right now.
Wow.
Okay.
Yeah.
Well Will we still see each other? Yeah, yeah.
I think so.
I don't know.
This is all really new to me.
I just got out of a long relationship.
I like your hair.
Thanks.
I figured new city, a different color Wide open road It was love to us It was all that we had And the pizza there, worst pizza ever.
I'm so glad to be back in New York.
Listen, if there's anything I can do to even begin to make things up to you Actually there may be something that you can do for me, but you can never ever ask me why.
So then I was promoted to assistant ménage-er Manager-- why do I keep doing that? - Lily? - You gave me chlamydia, you jerk.
So where was I? Ah, yes, assistant ménage-er I did it again.
I can't believe it.
You gave my twin sister chlamydia.
You slime! Wha wait, I know magic.
Well played, Eriksen.
Well played.