How I Met Your Mother s03e06 Episode Script

I'm Not That Guy

It was a quiet November afternoon in 2007.
I was working from home, because, you know, no distractions.
- This is incredible! I have big news.
- Oh, my God! I can't believe it! - I have big news.
- Oh, my God! Okay, my thing's pretty huge.
But fine, you can go first.
Okay, I just found out I found a porno starring Ted Mosby! What are you what are talking about? I'm talking about Welcome to the Sex Plane, and look who plays the navigator, Ted Mosby.
It's the same exact spelling as my name.
Okay, you know, cute coincidence, Barney.
Whatever.
I just got off the phone with the NR Oh, my God, this totally explains the thing at my doctor's the other day.
Open wide.
I guess you're more used to saying that than hearing it, huh, Ted Mosby? Who is this guy? And why's my doctor watching porn? All right, let's meet your new doppelganger.
Or should I say doppelbanger? Guys, guys, guys! Can I tell you my news? It's pretty This is really bizarre.
The only other famous Mosby I know was a Confederate general during the Civil War.
Probably not the same guy.
I got the job at the NRDC! You got the job! Oh! The NRDC, or National Resources Defense Council, fought to preserve America's clean water, fresh air and pristine wilderness.
It was Marshall's dream job.
- Congrats, buddy! - Thanks.
It's kind of weird hugging with porn on.
It really is.
Oh! Hey, hey-o! New guy entering the cockpit.
Could it be the navigator, Ted Mosby? Uh no.
No, navigators have three stripes on their hats.
Captains have four.
That guy's a captain.
Yeah, and I'm sure complete accuracy in all those details was very important to the directors "Dirt and Skank, The Raunch Brothers.
" Baby, I have some exciting news! I hope it's not that you just won some sort of race here.
I got the job at the NRDC! And I found a porno starring Ted Mosby! Oh my God, that's amazing! I know, right? - Oh, congratulations, Marshall! - Congratulations to us all! Oh, let's go celebrate! The fact that I found a porno starring a guy named Ted Mosby let's do it! Oh, is that him? 'Cause that Ted Mosby really knows what he's doing.
No, that's not him.
What do you mean, "that" Ted Mosby really knows what he's doing.
Oh, no.
No, I meant, that Ted Mosby, he really knows what he's doing.
Like all Ted Mosbys.
Wow, NRDC! Way to go, Marshall.
But you're still gonna go to your job interview today, right, baby? Marshall had an interview at a firm called Nicholson, Hewitt and West.
They represented, well, pretty much everybody Marshall was going to sue once he started at the NRDC.
I'm not doing that interview.
Those people are evil.
Marshall, your dad went through a lot of trouble to set this up.
You can't just pull out at the last second.
Apparently you can.
Ted, Ted, Ted, guy in the hat! Three stripes! Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Ted Mosby, porn star.
- Oh.
- Wow.
- Oh! - Oh.
I know what kind of plane this is.
It's a "Boing.
" See.
This is way better than Marshall's internship.
It's a real job.
Who is this guy? Are we related? Do, do I look like him? It's hard to tell.
Go, go like this.
- Oh, yeah, a little bit.
- Yeah.
- More around the eyes.
- Oh, I do see that.
And here's your water, in case you're dehydrated, Ted Mosby.
Very funny, Wendy.
Now we know you watch porn.
This Ted Mosby must be getting kind of famous.
You're not wrong.
According to the Web site, of the far superior Ted Mosby he's been in the business three months, and he's made 125 movies.
Wow.
That's 42 movies a month.
Who is he, Jude Law? Right? He makes a lot of movies.
I mean, not so much lately, but maybe, like, two years ago, you couldn't go to a movie without Oh, hey, look, check it out.
Ted Mosby did an interview in Adult Video Weekly.
Adult Video Weekly? Oh, no.
- Hello? - Hi, I'm looking for Ted Mosby.
It's Leonard Ross from AVW.
Oh, my God! AVW? It's Architecture Vision Weekly! Wow, I've been reading your magazine since I was a little kid.
Well, that's a bummer.
Anyway, I'm calling to interview you about your latest project.
Well, I don't want to say it's my project.
I mean, I'll be working with at least three partners.
Oh! Group scene.
Always fun.
Yeah, yeah, I'm really looking forward to it.
I mean, I know they're gonna ride me pretty hard but they're great guys.
Guys? Whoa, there's a scoop.
That interview went on for 20 more minutes.
"This project was so demanding, "I can't tell you how many nights I spent bent over a table.
" Oh, hey, baby, how'd the interview go? Um, interesting.
There I am in the office of Jefferson Coatsworth, and I figure I'm not gonna take this job anyway, I might as well give this old bastard a piece of my mind.
Jefferson Coatsworth wasn't what I expected.
Marshall, Jeff Coatsworth.
Hello.
Dude, I am so, so psyched that you're here.
Can I beer ya? Marshall was thrown.
This guy seemed nice.
Of course, he wasn't.
- Sous-titre non traduit - Go-go to hell! I'd do it again! I'm innocent.
I'm innocent.
Marshall, why do you want to work at Nicholson, Hewitt & West? Right, um, okay, Jeff, I've actually given this a lot of thought I'm sorry.
Stop.
I can't do this with a straight face.
You don't want to work here.
You're only here 'cause your dad went to high school with Joe Hewitt.
Fact is, you just got a sweet job at the NRDC.
And it's awome.
Man, I could have gone the non-profit route.
I didn't.
And it eats me up inside every day.
I hate myself.
I hate myself.
Oh, he's good.
Classic seduction technique.
- What do you mean? - Oh, I use it all the time.
First I buy her, and by her I mean you, a drink.
Now, I'm the guy who gets her what she wants.
Then I pretend to care about whatever idiotic thing she cares about.
For you, that would be the environment.
Now, I'm the great guy who shares her interests.
And before you know it, you're naked in my apartment shouting, "Oh, oh, Bar-r-r-ne-e-ey!" And by you, I mean her.
He is not trying to seduce me.
He didn't even offer me the job.
That comes later.
At dinner.
He did invite you to dinner, didn't he? Let me buy you dinner, tomorrow night, as a thank you ? Okay? You'll tell me all about the NRDC, and we'll charge it all to one of my evil clients.
- I, you know, I don't know - Marshall, you know what Kobe beef is? The most expensive beef in the world.
The place I'm taking you has Kobe lobster.
That is lobster fed with Kobe beef.
Oh, my God, he's trying to seduce me.
So are you gonna go to dinner with him? No.
No way.
I promised myself to the NRDC.
I'm not that kind of lawyer.
Oh, you should go.
I mean, you're not gonna take the job, but you might as well get a great meal out of the deal.
Don't wait up.
Guys, guys, guys, check this out.
Ted Mosby porn star's bio says his hometown is your hometown.
Shaker Heights, Ohio.
What? Okay, this is getting creepy.
Who, who is this guy? I gotta find him.
Well, it's your lucky day.
He's gonna be signing autographs tomorrow night in Manhattan at something called the Adult Video Expo.
Wait.
Are you telling me that they actually have conventions for porn? Affirmative.
Or to put it another way God bless America.
You can really taste the beef in that lobster.
Right.
Listen, I know we're only here to screw over my client, who quite frankly deserves it but I gotta be able to tell the guys upstairs I gave you the spiel, okay? So, first up, - starting salary.
- Okay.
Here we go.
This is the big number that's supposed to impress me and Wow.
That is a Big number.
There's also a signing bonus, use of a company car, expense account, blah blah blah.
Hey, by the way, turn around and wave to Patrick Swayze.
Hey.
I'm going to, uh, try to remain cool.
But you know Patrick Swayze?! He's a client.
Who do you think bought us this wine.
Crazy Swayze.
Cheers, buddy.
Okay.
No.
Jeff, this is all very impressive, - but I just don't think that - Listen, I know, I know.
You're not gonna be tempted by big numbers and fancy perks.
You're gonna do the noble thing, take the low-paying job at the NRDC, live off your family money.
Family money? You do have family money, don't you? No, um, not that I know of.
I do have an uncle who owns a, a pretty successful bait shop.
NRDC.
No family money.
Oh.
So you don't plan on having kids? Actually, I, I want to have four kids.
Well New York public schools make a lot of parents nervous, but the kids who walk out, walk out proud.
It was turning into a tough decision.
Now, kids, when I'm facing a tough decision I like to get out the old yellow legal pad make a list of pros and cons.
Marshall new all the cons, but there was one thing he didn't know, a big item in the pros column.
- Lily, you're a kindergarten teacher.
- Yeah.
'Cause Robin was about to ask Lily the one question An-And you make a kindergarten teacher's salary, right? Yeah.
that Lily had been dreading for years.
How do you afford all of these expensive clothes? I shop the sales.
They were in the closet when we moved in.
I steal.
I'm a criminal.
I once shot a man just to watch him die.
- Lily? - Okay.
That's when Lily showed Robin her box of shame.
Lily, this is nuts.
- How many credit cards do you have? - I don't know.
- How much do you owe? - I don't know! Wow.
I can't believe this many people love porn this much, including that guy who works in human resources at my firm.
Hi.
Let's just wave at each other awkwardly.
That'll make it better.
Dude, come on, let's just find Bizarro me and get out of here.
Oh, oh, I get it.
Ted Mosby, non-porn star, thinks this is all crude and disgusting.
You know who else was considered crude and disgusting? Shakespeare.
But his themes, love, lust, forbidden desire, were universal, which is why his work has stood the test of time.
And so will all this.
some high school drama class will be doing a plucky, spirited production of Beef Party VII.
Oh, my God, Lily, that is a lot of debt.
How did you get yourself into this situation? I don't know what it is.
When I feel down about something, I shop.
Ma'am, is everything okay? No, I just had a huge fight with my mother.
She doesn't understand me at all.
I swore that teaching would be a way to support my painting career, but I never paint anymore.
I just got a huge credit card bill.
- Does Marshall know? - No.
But you guys are the couple who tell each other everything.
And for God's sakes, Lily, you text him while he's on the can.
Well, I just want him to know I'm rooting for him.
Wait, okay, this all makes sense.
So when you said But you're still going to go to your job interview today, right, baby? And then Oh, you should go.
I mean, you're not gonna to take the job, but you might as well get a great meal out of the deal.
You were pushing him into taking that high-paying corporate job.
I know.
It's terrible that I was trying to get him to do that.
Terrible? He has to take it.
I mean, how else are you going to pay off all that debt? Lily, you have to tell him about this before he turns down that job.
You're right.
I feel awful.
- You know, there's a sale - We're not going shopping.
There he is.
Come on, let's go.
Why do I get so nervous around celebrities? Hi, Ted Mosby.
I'm Ted Mosby.
- Ted Mosby, it's you.
- Have we met? Mr.
Mosby, it is an honor to meet you, sir.
Starney Binson.
Barney Stinson.
Damn it.
We have met.
My real name is Steve Biel.
When I was in fourth grade, you were in ninth, and, and one day I was out behind the school and a bunch of seventh graders were just beating the crap out of me.
Oh, yeah, I remember.
That was you? Yeah, but you pulled them off me.
You told them to go pick on someone their own size.
I vowed right then that when I made something of myself, I would honor you somehow.
So you took my name and starred in Welcome To The Sex Truck? Yeah.
Yeah, listen, Ted, you got to stop using my name.
I, I'm trying to make a career as an architect.
Architect, huh? You mean like a sex architect? What? Yeah, you know, you're on to something.
That would make a great title of a film.
Ted Mosby, Sex Architect.
You know, I'm actually looking for a new project to shoot next Friday afternoon.
Yeah, listen, isn't, isn't there some other way you could honor me? With all due respect.
Wait, you're not mad, are you? Oh, man, I knew it.
My father said, "Just plant a tree in Israel.
" I'm such an idiot.
I guess I thought you'd be psyched.
I am.
I am, it's just I feel a little guilty because I'm not the one who saved you that day.
The guy who actually saved you was named Lance Hardwood.
Lance Hardwood, yeah.
Really? You know, you might not know this, but, in my business, that's kind of a killer name.
Yeah, I guess, I guess it is.
I can see the poster now.
Lance Hardwood, Sex Architect.
Starring Ted Mosby.
I love it.
Marshall and Jeff stayed pretty late at the restaurant.
They stayed so late that Marshall crashed on Jeff's couch, and the next day, Marshall took part in a Sunday morning tradition as old as the city itself: the Walk of Shame, the long journey home after doing something you regret the night before.
I'll take the job.
That's awesome! - Yeah! - Yeah! Great time last night.
I'll call you later.
He's not going to call you.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Did you get my message? I just - I crashed uptown.
- Yeah, yeah.
Listen, I have, uh, something to tell you.
Uh, I have something I need to tell you also.
Mine's pretty huge.
You go first.
Well I took the job.
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
I was drunk, and it was a haze of cigars and scotch and Swayze, and they offered me, like, like, like, like, a lot of money.
Oh, Marshall.
How much money? Here.
Whee! Yeah! It's completely despicable.
I know, I know, I sold out for a huge pile of disgusting money, disgusting money that could help our future family have some financial security and could help pay for law school.
Law school.
Law school that I went to to help protect the environment, not help destroy it.
And for what? For, for a lot of money.
Okay, you've got to stop screaming.
Listen, Marshall, you know what I like to do in situations like this? Ted, if you say make a list of pros and cons, I'm going to smack you.
I wasn't going to say that.
Okay, two beers, and Ted, here's that yellow legal pad you asked for.
Yellow legal pad? I ordered fries.
Maybe you should use this to write down people's orders.
Guys, I, I don't know what to do.
Take the money.
Money is good, money is happiness.
If I work there, I'll be representing the most evil corporations in the world.
Kind of sounds like a pro and con list to me.
Lily, you have to tell him.
You can help him make this decision.
Oh, I think he's doing fine on his own.
All right.
Marshall, I have something to say, and it's gonna help you make your decision.
Oh, of course, you know my heart better than I do.
You know what's best for me and for us.
Please, please tell me what to do.
I think you should take the job at the NRDC.
Of course I should, of course I should.
Guys, I'm going to save the planet Earth.
I got to go call Jeff.
What is the matter with you? I can't ask him to make himself miserable because of a mistake I made.
It's my problem; I'll figure it out.
That's really sweet.
- Are those new earrings? - What are you, my mom? - Jeff, hey, um, it's Marshall.
- Hey, Marshall.
I have something that I need to tell you.
I feel really weird about doing this over the phone.
Then don't.
Before you say anything, come take a ride in this awesome limo with me.
Where are we going? Tuckahoe Funland.
I'm sorry.
It sounded like you said Tuckahoe Funland, the magic factory where dreams are made.
Get in.
- Man, I-I love this place.
- Me, too, buddy.
So what did you want to tell me? I can't work for you.
I know, dude.
It's fine.
Marshall Eriksen wants to preserve the environment, so that our children can enjoy it as we have.
I get it.
Good.
Thank you.
I look down and see children enjoying this place.
Yeah, because somebody fought to preserve it.
If they ever shut this place down, it would be a tragedy.
Well, the good news is, that'll never happen.
You won't let it.
Because when you work for us, your only client will be this place Tuckahoe Funland.
I'm taking the job.
- Hey! - All right.
And the best part is I'm not even going to be representing some sort of evil corporation.
I will be representing Tuckahoe Funland, the least evil place in the world.
Or so Marshall thought.
FUNLAND SAFETY SCANDAL E.
COLI OUTBREAK TRACED TO FUNLAND CORNDOGS Great news, great news.
Oh, I'd better check on him.
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I believe in you.
Got it, Lance Hardwood, Sex Architect starring Ted Mosby.
Terrific.
You'll notice I'm in the credits.
I did some location scouting.
Here are the plans for the new International Sex Building.
Wow that really looks like our apartment.
It is.
Oh, I should return these.
Oh, Sex Architect, you've done it again.
Let's go celebrate on the couch.