How I Met Your Mother s03e08 Episode Script

Spoiler Alert

Kids, the early bloom of a romance is a wonderful thing.
You meet someone, you have a connection, and that person becomes sheer perfection in your eyes.
You just can't find anything wrong with them.
And you can't wait to tell the world about it.
She convinced you to go jogging? Wow, you really want to get in this girl's pants.
I'm telling you, you guys are gonna love her.
Lily, she knows all about art.
Marshall, she's open to the existence of UFOs.
Barney, she's hot.
Robin, she's not hotter than you.
- Like her already.
- How not hotter? So we all went out to dinner, and I couldn't wait to see if my friends were as crazy about Cathy as I was.
So, what's everyone getting? Well, I can't decide.
Which sounds better, chicken or lasagna? Lasagna.
Just get the lasagna! Oh.
You guys just got a new place.
How many bedrooms is it? Two.
It's two bedrooms! Okay! Let's hear it.
What's wrong with Cathy? Are you kidding me, Ted? - She's got a - Wait! You don't notice it? Notice what? Oh, he doesn't see it.
If we point it out, we're gonna ruin her for him.
As his friends, we'll just keep him in the dark.
You're right.
She's great, man.
She's a keeper.
Just keep her somewhere else.
Marshall, what is everyone's problem with Cathy? Oh, she's a total nightmare, Ted, but can we talk about this later? I'm a minute away from finding out if I'm gonna be a lawyer or not.
You see, kids, during the summer, Marshall had taken the New York Bar exam.
His years of school, his countless hours of study, had finally culminated in this grueling, two-day ordeal.
And begin.
The pressure of it was enormous.
Every year, people taking the bar simply cracked.
But Marshall had made it through.
And time.
- Time's up.
- Right.
- Sir.
- I know.
- Your time is - I know it is.
Give me! Now, months later, the results of that exam were scheduled to post online at 10:00, and it was 9:59.
Damn, they're not up yet.
Oh, don't worry, baby.
I'm sure you rocked it.
I mean, how many people fail the bar? Half.
Oh, my God, half? Only half the people pass? I mean, half the people pass.
That's fantastic.
Go, Marshall.
Oh, hey, can I jump on there? I want to show you something awesome.
What? No, no.
Bar results.
My future.
Trust me.
You need to see this.
What is so important that I need to see it right now? It's a video of a dog pooping on a baby.
How do I need to see that? Why would I want to see that? In what possible way could subjecting my eyes and my brain to something that disgusting enrich my life? It's a dog pooping on a baby.
Get away from my computer.
Okay, just do a quick Google search for "caca spaniel.
" - The results are in.
- Whoo.
What's it say? "Input password.
" Input the password ! It's okay.
They assigned it to me when I took the test.
It's gotta be around here somewhere.
Jelly beans, fluffernutter, Gummi Bears, ginger snaps This is a grocery list For who? A witch building a house in the forest? Sugar helps me study.
This is like the shopping a ten-year-old does when his parents leave him alone for the weekend.
What parent leaves a ten- year-old alone for the weekend? And your mom was perfect.
I can't find my password! Okay, just can't you let 'em know that you lost it and they'll e-mail it to you or something? No! They won't let me do that.
I'm gonna have to wait till the results come in the regular mail.
That could be weeks from now, if ever! Our mail carrier hates me ever since I asked her when the baby was due.
- She wasn't pregnant? - No, he was not.
Okay, well, that's a drag, but the results will come eventually.
Just try to keep it off your mind until then.
Hey, Brad.
Oh, congratulations, man.
I'm, uh I'm not sure yet.
I lost my password.
That's great, Cara.
I don't know yet.
I lost my password.
I don't know how I lost it! This stuff happens! You're one to talk.
You misplace stuff all the time.
I'm sorry.
I'm sure the nurses are stealing your medicine, Grandma.
Love you, too.
If I have to wait six weeks to find out if I passed, I'm gonna have a heart attack.
Based on that grocery list, I'd say diabetes is a bigger worry.
You know what? Laugh all you want.
This affects my whole future, all right? Okay.
I probably shouldn't be telling you this.
I definitely shouldn't be telling you this, but there is a way I can help you with your problem.
How? I know a guy at work.
He can get access to software designed to penetrate firewalls and retrieve passwords through secure servers.
I can get into any computer.
So what do we do? Like, arrange a secret meeting in a darkened parking structure? - No.
- Can we? - No.
- I have a trench coat.
Dude, be cool.
So, I just got off the phone with Cathy.
God, you guys are so right.
I totally hear it now.
See it now? Smell it? What is it?! I left the table for two minutes.
What could she have possibly done in that time that was so horrible? Was it I'll be back in one second.
One time, in the tenth grade, as a joke, I told everyone that my English teacher had sex with me.
He's still in jail.
Or maybe I'll be back in a second.
So I volunteer at the pound.
- Oh, isn't that nice? - Yeah.
You can't imagine the rush you get from killing an unwanted puppy.
I make bracelets out of the collars.
Or I'll be back in one second.
I bet he's going to the urinal.
I remember when I had a penis.
It wasn't anything she did while you were in the bathroom.
It's just the way she is.
I don't get it.
If it's so obvious and you guys all see it, how come I don't? 'Cause we're not trying to have sex with her.
Brother, you're driving the "I want to have sex with her" truck, and it's got a huge blind spot.
- That's ridiculous.
- Is it really? Ted, let me tell you a little story about a young lady I wanted to have sex with Lucilia.
On a white sand beach in Rio de Janeiro, we made love for ten straight hours.
When we were done, she applauded and told me I was far, far better than the best lover she could possibly imagine, and that I had restored her faith in God.
What does this have to do with Cathy? Who's Cathy? Just tell me what the hell is wrong with her already.
- Okay.
You want to know? - Yes.
You want to shatter this beautiful illusion you've created for yourself? Fine.
Here it is.
Cathy talks a lot.
Oh, come on.
That's not true.
Really, really think about that dinner we all just had together.
And I did.
So, what's everyone getting? Well, I can't decide.
Which sounds better, chicken or lasagna? I like chicken.
I like lasagna.
I like them both, but I really like pork.
A lot of people don't eat pork, and maybe it's because of that movie Babe or something.
But that was funny.
He was a talking pig and he was like "Bah, Ram, Ewe!" What-what if there was a sorority, "Bah, Ram, Ewe?" I'd totally rush it.
And so I named him Dr.
Seuss! - Lorax is a funny word.
- Lasagna! Just get the lasagna! Oh, you guys just got a new place.
How many bedrooms is it? I would love to have an extra bedroom, because I would put a Stairmaster in there.
But you guys should get a convertible sofa.
Or a futon.
Futons are great.
Or what about one of those Murphy beds? Who invented the Murphy bed? Was it a guy named Murphy? Oh, my God.
Do you guys remember that show Murphy Brown? That was a funny show.
She had a new assistant every episode.
and it was like half an hour before I realized he wasn't even on the phone anymore! Isn't that hysterical? Two! It's two bedrooms! Hey, do you guys like cannolis? Because I know this place and it's in the South Bronx and you wouldn't expect it, but they have the best cannolis in town.
And just like that, the illusion was shattered.
She just never shuts up, does she? She didn't stop to swallow her food.
I was scared for her.
I didn't want her to choke.
At first.
So kids, this girls I was dating would not stop talking.
Can you imagine how awful that is? Do you own a wok? 'Cause that's really how Don't you just love autumn? Today I'm dressed for Oh, my God.
The sweetest thing.
And I know this great place where we can go.
They have guys and girls clothes.
We could both shop at the same time.
And a lot of times boyfriends and girlfriends Hey! Why are you running so fast? Well, thank you, pal.
You and your little friends, you just had to tell me.
You just had to give in to my incessant begging.
You said that you wanted to know.
- I didn't want to know! - You said you wanted to know! Well, I didn't know I didn't want to know! You knew.
And you know me.
And you should have known I didn't want to know! You know? I'm sorry we told you.
I'm surprised she didn't tell you herself at some point.
There's only a finite combination of words in the English language.
Well, you could have let me enjoy it a little longer.
She's got all these other great qualities.
She's smart.
She's caring.
She loves animals You know how to teach her a lesson? Buy her a parrot.
Oh, come on.
I'm sorry that we told you, okay? It's part of being in a relationship.
Eventually, you get used to these annoying little things that bug you at first.
Yeah, I guess.
I mean, you got used to Lily's loud chewing, right? Lily doesn't chew loudly.
Dude Come on.
This isn't news.
Why do you think I call her "Chewbacca"? I assumed because she's loyal, wears shiny belts and I resemble a young Harrison Ford.
Think about it.
Oh, man, honestly, dude, that's the meanest thing you've ever done to me.
I really thought you knew.
We had ribs the other night.
It sounded like Jurassic Park.
You know what? It doesn't matter.
But it did.
Say, what's in that cereal besides dry twigs and small animal bones? What's that supposed to mean? Lily, I love you, but honest to God, when you eat, it sounds like a garbage disposal full of drywall screws.
What's the matter with you? We've been together ten years, and you're saying this now? Well, I never noticed it before until Until what? Can you believe Ted? What a lame thing to say, that I'm a loud chewer.
Yeah, that's crazy.
Maybe enough with the pretzels.
Oh, my God, do I really chew that loudly? No, no, no.
Okay, now that you pointed it out, maybe it does sound slightly like someone put a screwdriver in a pencil sharpener, but in a cute way.
This is all Ted's fault.
Oh, like he's so perfect, Mr.
What do you mean? Oh, come on.
You dated the guy for a year and you never noticed that most of what Ted says is correcting you.
Hey, can you hand me a Kleenex? Actually, Kleenex is a brand.
This is a facial tissue.
Oh, my God, is Frankenstein gonna kill that little girl? Uh, Dr.
Frankenstein isn't in this scene.
That's Frankenstein's monster.
That literally blew my mind.
Oh, my God, you're right.
- That is so annoying.
- Isn't it? Where are those pretzels from, Ace Hardware? Hey, man, you like kettle corn? I'm trying to get rid of anything crunchy.
Are the blinds closed? - I don't know.
- Are the blinds closed?! Yes, the blinds are closed.
Good, I didn't think I was followed, but you can never be too sure.
Now double-lock the door and stay away from the windows.
Is there a reason that you're acting like this? We're about to find out if you're a lawyer.
Now, in good conscience, I have to inform you that using this software is in violation of the Patriot Act, the Strategic Defense Initiative, and the National Security Act of 1948, which created the CIA.
So I hope you passed the bar because if we use this software, the night janitor Gligor who I fooled into putting fingerprints on my computer, is going to need a good lawyer.
Are you certain you want to go through with this? I have to know, yes, yes.
Very good.
First, we go to the New York State Bar Web site.
We disable the firewall, then the recursive algorithm grabs your password, and as the application erases itself leaving no trace we were here ever you ready to see your future, bro? Yes.
It's a dog pooping on a baby.
Right! Isn't that awesome? So you went through all this just to get me to look at your stupid video? Yeah, it was worth it.
Barney, Barney, that was the biggest test of my life.
I'm incredibly stressed out right now, and I Okay, that's pretty funny.
You got to see this.
Yeah, I have to She'll call back when she realizes I'm gone.
Probably in about 45 minutes.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- You guys want a drink? - I'll just have a water.
Mm, technically, water is a drink.
Really, Professor? You drink it? Is that how water works? Because I was just gonna smear it on my skin and hope that I absorbed it.
Or you could, you know, pour it over your shirt.
What's with you? You're always correcting people.
- You totally do that! - That's absolutely right.
Right? I never noticed it before, and now it's literally driving me crazy.
Okay, maybe so, but it's no worse than you using the word "literally" in every other sentence.
Don't they teach vocabulary in Canada? They literally don't.
They literally don't.
Shut up, Marshall.
That's nothing compared to your thing of singing what you do all the time.
What? Paying my bills using return address labels From a charity that I haven't given money to Writing a check 'cause now I feel guilty The Salivation Army does not fight fair.
Heading down to the basement today With my laundry and a roll of quarters But I'm back too soon 'cause I left the detergent and the fabric softener - Those lines are so sloppy.
- Oh, come on! What about you, "Barney"? Okay, you - always - Interesting, interesting, everyone has annoying habits but me.
Oh, got it.
Okay, you sometimes talk in a weird high-pitched voice.
And you're constantly using lame catchphrases.
And sometimes you space out and don't even pay attention to what we're talking about.
I'm sorry.
What? Oh, see? You can't think of anything 'Cause I'm awesome! All three right there.
Well, technically, "awesome" wouldn't be a catchphrase.
If anything, it's more of a catchword.
I literally want to rip your head off.
You mean "figuratively"! No, I literally mean "literally.
" Literally, literally, literally.
Oh, my God, Lily, what are you eating, gravel? Oh, I know, right? It sounds like cufflinks going up a vacuum cleaner.
Well, why don't you sing about it? Because I don't sing about everything I do.
No, no, sometimes you just sing nonsense sentences like a stroke victim, and what's worse, they're catchy.
Apple, orchard, banana, cat dance, 8663 See? We know that one because once you sang that for, like, three hours.
What the hell is that? That's my password.
- Oh, Marshall! - Awesome! There's another one.
It's called "Golden Reliever," - where this dog - Yeah, we can guess.
All right, guys, guys, guys.
I'm a lawyer.
And just like that we stopped fighting and celebrated Marshall's success.
You see, when someone's bad habits are pointed out to you, it's hard to ignore them.
I'm a lawyer now 'cause I passed the bar I'm imposing Marshall law on this champagne.
Oh my God, are you literally on cloud nine right now? Baby, you never have to take the bar again.
Actually, if he practices law in another state, he will have to, but New York, man! It's a great state to practice law in! Lawsuit up! But if you love them enough, those bad habits are easy to forget.
Three years later, I ran in to Cathy and she was doing well.
Ted?! Oh, my God, I haven't seen you in so long! How long has it been? Three years? No, four.
No, three, 'cause I went blonde and then I went back 'cause I was having too much fun.
It's true what they say: blondes have more fun.
Oh, my God, I'm being so rude.
Ted, this is my fiancé.
Yes, I'm engaged.
Ted, this is Daniel.
Daniel this is Ted.
Great, great, nice to meet you.
You guys seem perfect for each other.
Oh, my God.
I know, right? Totally, it was like love at first sight.
Hey, we should go out sometime.
Are you seeing anyone? Because we could double-date.
That ? No, it's not weird.
We can go have brunch out the street.
I know this place.
Do you guys like popovers? - Because I love popovers.
- She sur can talk a lot, huh? They're like croissants, but they're a little bit less flaky and they're kind of round.
Hey, they have strawberry jam.