How I Met Your Mother s03e14 Episode Script

The Bracket

Kids, back when we were younger, your uncle Marshall and I were really into college basketball.
Every year, March Madness would take over the entire apartment.
- Hey.
What's with the blackboard? - It's our NCAA bracket.
Big board equals big luck! Hey, that looks familiar.
Where did you get it? Hello.
I'm looking for my wife, Ms.
There's no school today.
It's Saturday.
Of course.
How could I forget? Dumb ass.
- Big board! - Big luck! We found it.
No big deal.
Anyway, every year, Ted and I go in together on this big money pool out in Staten Island.
The winner gets $100,000 stuffed in a duffel bag.
And you get to keep the duffel bag.
Why do you guys put yourselves through this? You lose every year.
That's because in the past, we were just guessing.
This year, we watched every game, read box scores, tracked injuries.
This isn't March Madness.
This is March Meticulously Thought-outness.
Your team lost 20 minutes ago.
I didn't know they were playing today.
You okay, Barney? Something strange is going on.
I was down at the hardware store trying to get a little somethin' somethin'.
You go to the hardware store to pick up girls? There are four kinds of women who go to the hardware store by themselves.
Of course there are.
Single, recently single, recently divorced, lesbian who will let me watch.
You could not be more evil.
Recently widowed.
So, I'm talking to this girl Look, I'm sure he's in a better place.
Now let's find you a sturdier ladder.
I was only gone for a second when See? Skid-proof.
The same thing happened at the pet store yesterday.
Pet store? Single girl, mid-twenties, looking for a canine replacement for the boyfriend who just dumped her.
Instead, finds Barney.
God bless you, Ted.
You're reading my blog.
I'm really bored at work.
I'd call your ex a dog, but that would be an insult to little Ladybug here.
I want to take her home right now.
Not without a chew toy from Uncle Barney first.
And when I got back I'm sorry, I'm already spoiling her, but, Diamond in the ruff? Could your heart just melt? Jerk! Weird, right? The same thing happened last week at the museum.
You pretend to be a struggling young artist who needs a new muse.
You're a millionaire art thief casing the joint for a thrill money can no longer give you! Oh.
You're going blind, and you're trying to soak up all the beauty in the world before the darkness descends.
Bingo! So, I was talking to this girl.
At this point, about 83%.
Soon, these audio guides will be all that I have left.
I'm so sorry.
My God, you are beautiful.
How about I get you a headset so you can see with your ears like I do? I couldn't have been gone more than I also love the smell of great art.
Why does this keep happening? Maybe you're not as good a liar as you think you are.
Oh, really? Then why am I not in prison for perjury? But I don't want to talk about work.
Something weird is going on here.
But the next night got even weirder.
Alan Alda.
It was Alan Alda.
You never gonna believe what just happened.
Who was that, um, guy from Mash? The main guy.
What? Hawkeye from Mash.
How can I be blanking on this? Alan Alda? No.
Hey, a word of advice? That guy you were talking to, Barney Stinson I know he seems charming, but he's just saying whatever it takes to get in your pants.
Sleeping with Barney was the biggest mistake of my life.
Oh, my God.
Where is she? She must have left.
Well, she-she said I hooked up with her? What was her name? What did she look like? She didn't say her name, but she had blonde hair, boobs.
Kind of trashy.
Dead in the eyes with an aura of self-loathing and despair? That's all of them.
Stay calm.
Let's think this through.
One of the girls who I lied to, seduced and abandoned is trying to ruin my life.
Shouldn't be too hard to figure out which one it is.
Oh, dear God! This is a nightmare.
Some woman that I slept with and screwed over is trying to ruin my life.
God, why is this happening to me? It's Karma.
Nah, it's not Karma.
She's strippg in Vegas.
Plus, we're good.
Look, if you want to figure out who it is, why don't you just start by checking your list? My list? Dude, do not pretend you're not the kind of guy who keeps a list of all the girls he's slept with.
I have one.
It's called my marriage license.
Come on, let's see the list.
Ted, don't be crass.
I would never demean the women that I've slept with by putting their names on some tawdry list.
This is a scrapbook of all of the women I've slept with.
I made it at the Scrapbook Barn on 7th.
Ask for Heloise.
Tell her I sent you.
What do you think, Lil? You recognize the saboteur? I don't know, Barney.
I only saw her face.
How many of these girls know they're being photographed? All of them, but only about half buy a copy on the way out.
Barney, you're never gonna figure out which one of these is the mystery woman.
All of these women have a right to hate you.
Oh, Lily, come on, lighten up.
I mean, any girl who's gonna be with a guy like Barney and do this or that, or this and that, or do this with those in that I mean, she should have known what she was getting into.
And what I do with these women should be between me and them.
And you guys.
And Heloise.
She helped me do the decoupage.
I don't know, Barney.
I don't recognize any of these women.
I mean, some minor celebrities, one government official, and what appears to be a national fast food chain mascot.
This is impossible.
There's too many girls.
How the hell am I gonna narrow this down? The top 64 women I've slept with, split into four regions.
This tournament will systematically narrow down which girl has the most cause to hate my guts.
Last girl standing has to be the saboteur.
Absolutely not, Barney.
We are not going to make a game out of the women you've tricked into sleeping with you.
No way! The girl who thought he had 12 hours to live has way more cause to ruin his life than the girl he fake proposed to.
It's fake proposal girl.
I mean, she hired a wedding planner! It's 12 hours to live! That girl flew them both to Paris! Oh, she only bought him a one-way ticket! Okay, okay, everybody! Hands.
Damn it! Okay, toss up.
"Thought I was Jorge Posada," or "You have my dead wife's kidney?" - Kidney! - Jorge Posada! She bought Yankees season tickets to watch him play! - That's true - It's "Dead wife's kidney.
" How are we even discussing this? - Fake baby! - Lost at sea! I was there.
Trust me.
It's fake baby.
Down to the sweet 16.
And coming out of the Upper West Side, we have the number three seed, "Girl who thought I owned Google," up against the number seven seed, "Girl who thought I was a scuba instructor.
" - You got to go scuba instructor.
- You're kidding me! - She got the bends! - Yeah, she did.
- Evil twin! - Prince of Norway! - How could it not be Prince of Norway?! - Barney, you're the tiebreaker.
- I'm going with Evil Twin.
- You're kidding me! Sorry, but I did sleep with that girl twice.
As Barney and Larney.
Okay, we're down to the Final Four.
What do you think, people? Come on, dig deep.
Oh! I can't decide.
It could be any one of them.
Is that the blackboard from my classroom? Come on! Marshall? I'm tired and sad.
Mosby? I want to call my mom, just tell her I love her.
Then this is as far as we get.
The Final Four.
It's got to be Meg, Anna, Kate or Holly.
We are gonna track these girls down, and you're going to tell me which one approached you at the bar.
You guys stole my blackboard! Okay, there's her building.
When she comes out, I'm gonna hide, and once you figure out if she's the girl from the bar, we run like hell.
- No.
- What do you mean, no? That woman, like every woman in your Final Four, deserves an apology, and I'm not telling you if she's the one until I hear you say, "I'm sorry.
" Are you nuts? That would involve me speaking to a woman I've already had sex with, which, frankly, is a little bit like changing the oil in a rental car.
Barney, you're doing this.
Lily, this girl hates me.
I hooked up with her in an apartment I was pretending was my own, told her I loved her, and then ditched her there.
She got arrested for trespassing, bit a cop, and spent eight days in jail.
Oh, crap, there she is! If she sees me, she's gonna kill me! Here's what we're gonna do.
Hey, Meg! Over here! Look who it is! Your old friend Barney! Barney? If she kills me, I want you to go into my apartment, grab the metal briefcase under my bed and throw it in the East River.
What are you doing here? Look, Meg, we need to talk.
It was all my fault.
I know it was, baby.
I just came on too strong.
And I forgive you.
I love you.
Oh, my God! I love you, too! No! What's the matter with you? Get off of him! Look, she's not the one, but you still owe her an apol So you remember who this one is, right? Yes.
You told her you were Ted and that you were an architect.
Right, and if you recall, her computer had a web cam and a T-1 line, so I Yeah, I know, Barney, you showed me.
And that still doesn't count as a Christmas present.
Go over there and apologize.
Ah, there she is.
Ooh, and she's holding hot coffee.
Maybe she'll throw it in your face.
- You're really enjoying this, aren't you? - I'm making a scrapbook.
Anna, hi.
Look who it is, Mr.
Big Shot Architect.
If you're here to ask me to take down the Web site, forget it.
- What Web site? - Ted-Mosby-Is-A-Jerk-dot-com.
You're right, I do deserve that.
That's all I came here to say.
You know what? I don't care who knows about it.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
I, Ted Mosby, am a jerk to women.
Tell your sisters.
Tell your daughters to stay away! Ted-Mosby-Is-A-Jerk-dot-com.
And that little Web site went on to get 400,000 hits.
Thanks, Barney.
Which one is this again? Larney! Die! - Is it her? - Die! Smile.
You look good.
Have you lost weight? We're down to the number one seed.
I knew it was Holly.
It had to be Holly.
Man, I was hoping it wasn't Holly.
Barney, did you hear that? Somebody's stealing my truck.
Barney? Barney! That is the worst thing you've ever done.
That's the worst thing anyone has ever done.
But in my defense, she was kind of annoying.
She's gonna kill you.
- Barney.
- Holly.
Mark, come over here.
Barney, this is my fiancé, Mark.
Barney? You're the Barney who ditched her in the woods? So you're not mad at Barney? Don't you want an apology? An admission of guilt? Your truck back? No, whatever happened was in the past.
And Mark is my present and my future.
And if you ditching Holly in the woods made her stop running around with guys like you, then cheers.
Well then, to the last Fourth of July weekend I'll spend getting eaten alive by mosquitoes.
Fourth of July? We started dating in June.
We ruined their lives.
And the worst part of it is that you didn't apologize to any of those women.
No, the worst part is that we still have no idea who my stalker is.
Well, that's because you're going about this all wrong.
I mean, why chase someone who's following you? All you need to do is go down to the bar, hit on someone, and wait until she turns up.
That's not a bad idea.
I'll pretend to be the girl that you're hitting on.
I don't know.
That's a lot riding on a girl who giggles when she lies.
I do not.
Have you ever fallen asleep while eating ribs? No.
Look, I can do this, okay? I mean, how else are you going to find out who this girl is.
- I'm in.
- Okay, here's how it's gonna work.
Now Lily, she knows what you look like, so just hang out at the jukebox, and don't draw any attention to yourself.
And the guys will be in the booth, just pretending to have a normal conversation.
-Talking, we should be talking.
- Words.
Here are words.
Why is this so hard? Laughter! And then I'll come in, looking hot as all hell.
Wow, you are gorgeous.
- God, I know that's awful.
- Shh, go away.
But come back later.
And then Barney will make his move.
Hey, there, how are you doing? Fine, Barney.
I mean, um, fine, stranger.
Wow, you really are awful at this, aren't you? Get your hand off my thigh, Barney.
It's supposed to look like we're about to hook up, Robin.
You know I'm curious.
What do you say to these girls to get them to come home with you? Usually I just lean in and whisper this one thing in their ear.
You're a little turned on right now, aren't you? No.
Look, somebody's watching us.
Make your move to the bathroom.
I'm going to go to the bathroom now, but, uh, when I come back we'll go to my place and have sex.
Dude, dude, dude, look.
Blonde girl heading over to Robin right now.
We are go.
I don't know what to do with my hands.
What do I normally do with my hands? I brought a copy of the bracket.
Which one is she? I don't recognize her.
She's not on the Top 64.
Not even on bracket.
Wow, Cinderella story comes out of nowhere to win the whole thing.
That'll warm your heart.
Are you okay? I don't even recognize her.
I don't remember you.
I've spent the last two days trying to remember every girl that I've slept with and all the horrible things that I have done to them.
And I have done some horrible things.
I mean, at one point, I'm pretty sure I sold a woman.
I didn't speak the language, but, I shook a guy's hand, he gave me the keys to a Mercedes, and I left her there.
I'm the guy who keeps a scrapbook of all of the women I have slept with, but I never thought I was the guy who would sleep with a girl and not even remember her.
So from the bottom of my heart, for whatever I did to you, I apologize.
Oh, Barney! Oh, I'm so proud of you.
That's not her.
- I'm so sorry.
- What? What? Barney, I'm sorry, that's my friend Sally from work.
We just ran into each other.
So I apologized for nothing? Yes, but it was a great apology.
And a perfect way to end my scrapbook.
I'm going to call this photo "Barney's Redemption.
" Could you stop giving me the finger? One shining moment you reached for the sky One shining moment you knew One shining moment you were willing to try One shining moment Eventually, Barney did figure out who the mysterious girl was.
But more on that later.
Sometimes we search for one thing but discover another.
Even through I didn't find the mystery girl I did find out something very important about myself Barney, come back to bed.
You have a shuttle launch tomorrow.
And that asteroid that's headed for Manhattan, it's not going to destroy itself.
I'm awesome.