How I Met Your Mother s03e20 Episode Script

Miracles

Kids, this is the story of the cab ride that changed my life.
I know it sounds crazy, but for all I know my life would be very different if I had taken, say that cab.
Or that cab.
God knows what would have happened if I had gotten into that cab.
I took this cab.
And it changed my whole life.
But first, we need to back up a little.
Is there any beer in the fridge? It's 10:00 in the morning.
Grab me one? So something bad just happened.
Stella and I were out having breakfast.
So, my sister broke up with her boyfriend.
Well, I can finally say it.
I hated that guy! Everything out of his mouth is, "I'm a vegan.
"Fish feel pain.
I'm never constipated.
" The guy's an idiot.
Actually, she's marrying him.
I just wanted your honest opinion.
He's actually a really nice guy.
I think there's a wisdom to Anyway they pick a date so, uh, you want to come with me, so that we can laugh our asses off as we watch him walk barefoot down the aisle in a hemp tuxedo? - Yeah, sure.
When is it? - First weekend in November.
Is that the something bad? That she invited you to a wedding? Six months from now.
As in we'll be together six months from now.
Do you guys remember Barney's whole thing about making plans in a relationship? Fourth row.
Ted, no.
You're violating the date-time continuum.
You never make plans with a girl further in the future than the amount of time you've been going out.
You've been dating this girl for, what, two weeks? No, you're not taking her to a Springsteen concert in January.
By that time you won't even remember this Robin girl's name.
Man, I love Springsteen! He's like the American Bryan Adams.
But Barney had a point.
As soon as she started talking about the wedding, it freaked me out.
Oh, that sounds like so much fun.
So I get to look forward to it for six months.
Which is twice as long as we've been dating.
I'm sure your daughter Lucy will come so it'll be like a a family trip.
Our first trip as our funny little family.
So that that'll be super-exciting.
Oh, boy.
Man, they crank up the heat in these places.
What's going on, Ted? We need to talk.
- Oh.
- "We need to talk?" There's only two situations where you say that to someone and unless you're pregnant, it sounds like you broke up with her.
Yeah, I did.
So how did she take it? I'm only trying to be honest with you.
You know, Ted.
- I have to go to work.
- Stella, can we just I don't want to leave it like this.
No, Ted, it's okay.
We're good.
Look, I know it sounds rough, but Stella's a mom.
I have to be responsible.
If I'm having these feelings now, what if they don't go away? What if they just get worse and worse and six months from now, I break up with her over tofu salmon at her sister's wedding? I can't do that to her.
And I definitely can't do that to her daughter.
It sucks, but I'm being the good guy here.
This is the right decision.
Which brings me back to the cab ride.
Hello, may I speak with Marshall Eriksen? Hey, guys.
Jell-O? Can you believe this? You're totally fine.
No, I'm not fine.
I made the biggest mistake of my life.
I want Stella back.
I've left her like ten messages, but her phone's off.
She's at that arcade Kiddie Funland with her daughter.
Please.
Let me go to Kiddie Funland.
You can say that all you want, buddy, but you're not getting any morphine.
No, I'm serious.
I got to get out of here.
You're not going anywhere until we get the tests back.
You could have internal bleeding.
Your brain could be all full of blood.
Think that's good for it? It ain't.
This sucks.
- This sucks.
This sucks.
- Are you are you kidding me? You walked away from a car accident without a scratch.
A miracle took place today.
Here we go.
You don't think this was a miracle? There's no such thing as miracles.
March 2006, MacLaren's Bar.
- That's terrible.
That's in! - Gentle.
Gentle.
Here we go.
Bravo.
Cheers - No way.
- That did not just happen.
Am I dead? Am I dead? Miracle! A pencil went up Barney's nose, and you call it a miracle.
Well, do you have a better explanation for it? A drunk jackass with a box of pencils? A drunk jackass called "God!" And a box of pencils called "destiny!" Speaking of Barney, I should give him a call.
Why? We're not friends anymore.
You'd want to know if this happened to him.
Go for Barney.
Hey, Barney.
Listen, I have something to tell you.
Oh, boy, here we go.
I've been waiting for this one.
You talked to Robin.
She told you what's under the hood and you want to take it for a spin yourself.
Not even if you boiled it in detergent.
It's about Ted.
Ted? Ah ah, ah ah.
My former best friend Ted who I asked you never to mention to me again? Yeah.
He's been in a car accident.
He's at Saint Anthony's hospital.
Everything's No, I understand.
You've got that important thing.
Okay.
Oh, of course I'll tell him you love him.
Okay.
Suit up! He is always saying stuff like that! - He hung up, didn't he? - Yeah.
See, I told you.
We're not friends anymore.
My best friend need me! What did he say? A hundred and thir What? You Ah, come on! I'm coming, Ted.
So, what made you change your mind about Stella? Well, I was in the cab, and the car was coming at me, and you know how they say that your whole life flashes before your eyes in a near-death experience? It doesn't.
You don't see everything.
Just the things you love.
I realized in that moment that Stella is the most important thing in my life and I have to get her back.
Miracle! Very sweet.
Very romantic.
Not a miracle.
July 1999.
Kennedy Airport.
So, did you enjoy Amsterdam? No.
Nothing illegal.
Just a paintings.
All right, Bob Marley.
Let's have a conversation.
Shift change.
Oh, Amsterdam.
All right.
Float on through, brother.
Miracle! Don't you go into the light! Don't you do it! Hey, Mosby, you got a visitor.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey.
Can you guys, uh, give us a minute? Stella, before you say anything - I love you.
- I love you, too.
- Can we just forget about - It's forgotten.
Is this your chart? Okay.
Uh-huh.
Everything looks good.
I think you can handle it.
Handle what? Aww! This morning he dumped her and now she's dry-humping him on a hospital bed.
- Miracle! - Yeah, you know, I bet if you call up the Vatican, they will tell you that most of their certified miracles involve dry-humping so.
April 2008.
Lily's kindergarten classroom.
You're gonna go in there and beg for your old job back? That's crazy.
You hated it there.
I know, the job market is just really bad right now.
Hey, kids, who wants Uncle Marshall to get his old job back? They'll cheer for anything if you say it like that.
Kids, a super tanker spilled five million gallons of oil off the coast of Alaska this morning! Hello, Marshall.
Mr.
Hewitt, I came here to apologize.
I'm going to go grab some more glue.
Will you watch them for a sec? Of course.
Leaving Nicholson, Hewitt, and West was a huge mistake, and I can see that now.
So who wants to see the big guy put on these tiny hats? My behavior was disrespectful.
It was unprofessional.
I'm a pilgrim.
I know it looks like I have a tiny hat, but in reality, I have an abnormally large head! I was going through a stressful time.
I wasn't getting enough sleep.
Fourscore and seven years ago, I had a great, big giant head! I had just bought an apartment, and there were some problems.
I don't want to bore you with the details.
I only regret that I have but one giant head to give for my country.
Sir, if you could just see your way into giving me one more chance, - I promise - Marshall.
I'm willing to give this a second chance.
I remember my first years as an attorney.
Why, I don't know how many hours I spent.
I don't think I ever left Oh, my God! I have lice.
Those little bastards gave me lice.
God, it itches.
Don't scratch it.
You'll look like a fool.
You'll never get your job back.
You can scratch, but just make it subtle.
Okay, that's not working.
Oh, sweet, sharp corner of the desk, how I long to rub my infested scalp against you.
- You okay, Eriksen? - Oh! Oh, yes, I'm good.
I am good.
Continue.
Mind over matter.
There are no lice in my hair laying eggs, burrowing into my scalp, eating their way all the way down to my brain! I have lice! "Lice"?! Lice! Get out! Get out of my office! We've got lice! Everybody out of the building.
If it weren't for the lice, I would have gotten my job back, and I would have been working there when, two weeks later, the Securities and Exchange Commission came a-knocking.
God sent those lice to my head like he sent the locusts to Egypt: to liberate me from corporate bondage.
Miracle.
Hey, guys.
I'm just so glad you and Ted are back together.
Wait, um, what do you mean "back together?" Well, you know, since you guys broke up.
What? Oh, no.
It was just a small fight.
That wasn't a breakup.
Was that a breakup? Did he think that was a breakup? What? Son of a bitch! That was a breakup.
Wasn't it? You broke up with me.
Yeah.
I didn't know that was a breakup.
Are you kidding? I said, "I feel awful.
" You said, "We're good.
" Then you got up and left.
Yeah, I said, "We're good," as in "We're good.
" Like when the waiter comes around and asks if you want any more muffins, and you say, "We're good.
" Exactly, and I took that "We're good" to mean you didn't want any more metaphorical relationship muffins.
This is crazy.
Forget about all that.
That was a whole life-changing car accident ago.
I love you.
I don't want to break up.
But you did.
You did want to.
If you had those feelings once, then you're going to have those feelings again, and you're going to keep on having them.
And I can't count on that car to hit you every time you do.
What are you saying? I'm saying you wanted your breakup, - you got it.
- What?! Stella, wait! No, you know what, Ted? We're good.
So you broke up with her and she didn't know it.
Apparently.
And you actually said, "I want to break up?" No, of course not.
Who says "I want to break up?" That's a horrible thing to say.
Well, that's true.
- Hello? - Hi, Ted Mosby? We have you listed as the emergency contact for Barney Stinson.
What is it? What it was was this.
I made it.
I made it! Dude, I I can't believe you ran all the way up here.
Jeez.
Flatter yourself much? What an ego on this guy.
Um, I was up in this part of town because I had to attend a very important international business meeting.
If you're here to come crawling back, just save it.
I'm doing awesome without you.
Even better now, 'cause I can play the sympathy card with the females.
And BTW, there's one bone downstairs that ain't broken.
Marshall, you know what I'm talking about.
Up top! Are you sure? Yeah, dude.
Why do you think I had them set it this way? Okay.
Worth it.
Barney, you, uh You could've died.
Ted, I'm sorry I broke the Bro Code.
No, I'm sorry.
Ted, can we be friends again? Barney, come on, we're we're more than friends.
We're brothers.
- You're my brother, Ted.
- You're my brother, Barney.
Did you hear that, Marshall? We're brothers now.
Marshall's my brother, too.
We're all brothers.
Yeah, but I'm your best brother, right? And that's how your Uncle Barney and I buried the hatchet.
It got pretty mushy and embarrassing after that.
Let's skip ahead.
I had to look away because if I watched what the paramedics were about to do, I would have passed out.
Then they took out this electric blade thing and I kept thinking, "This isn't happening.
This isn't happening.
" Oh, my God.
What did they cut? My suit.
My beautiful suit.
But you're alive, and, and Ted's alive.
This is amazing! Two miracles in one day.
What is the matter with you? How can you possibly be this cynical?! You want to know? You really want to know? Fine.
When I was a kid, I had this dog, Sir Scratchawan.
Anyway, Sir Scratchawan got really old, so my parents decided to put him down.
It was the toughest day of my young life.
Good-bye, Sir Scratchawan.
I love you.
And when they took him to the vet, he told them that earlier that very day, he had learned about an experimental procedure called a canine/testudine cerebro-xenograft.
- Ever heard of it? - No.
Well, it saved Sir Scratchawan's life.
He lived another seven years.
Miracle.
Except for one kind of big side effect from the surgery.
Sir Scratchawan! Welcome home! He turned into a turtle.
I know.
It's weird, right? Apparently, a very common complication from canine/testudine cerebro-xenografts.
And he didn't seem to remember any of his old tricks.
Go get it, Scratchy.
Go get it! Go get it! Get it! Go get it, Scratchy.
Go get it.
- How long was it before? - Longer than I'm proud of, Lily.
Longer than I'm proud of.
And that's when I realized miracles ain't real.
Excuse me.
Mosby, you're still here? Your tests came back, like, an hour ago.
You're fine.
Are you kidding me? Why didn't you tell me?! I'm sorry.
I guess it was rude of me to keep resuscitating that guy with a rake sticking out of his chest.
I have to go right now.
Barney, I Go.
Run, Ted.
Run.
If there's anything I've taught you over the years, it's Barney, he left.
Hey, Ted said that right before the accident, his life flashed before his eyes.
You know, all the stuff he loves.
- Did that happen to you? - Oh, yeah.
I know what he saw: boobs.
- Scotch.
- And money.
- Suits.
- A suit of money.
A suit of boobs.
A giant boob wearing a suit of money.
And the boob is lactating scotch.
I guess that's pretty much everything you love, right? Yeah, pretty much.
Kids, a lot of weird, random things have happened in my life, but that car accident is one of the few I'd call a miracle, not because of what happened, but because of what happened next.
Hi.
Hi.
Can I talk to you? Okay.
I got you this orange kangaroo.
Thanks.
So I've been thinking about what changed from the moment I broke up with you to the moment I knew I wanted you back.
And, um, I think I finally figured out what happened.
Your cab got T-boned by a jackass on a cell phone? I changed.
I'm ready to give you what you need.
That's why I spent ten minutes on the damn claw machine trying to get the big, fake diamond ring.
But all I could get was this orange kangaroo.
Diamond ring? Will you marry me?