How I Met Your Mother s04e09 Episode Script

The Naked Man

Kids,everyone has anpinion on how long it takes to recover from a breakup.
Half the length of the relationship.
One week for every month you were together.
Exactly 10,000 drinks.
However long that takes.
You can't measure something like this in time.
There's a series of steps.
From her bed to the front door.
Bam! Out of there.
Next! But I think you start to recover the moment you meet that person who gets you back in the game.
This is the story of how I met that person.
Now,kids,if you want to go swimming, you don't just dive in.
First,you dip your toe in the water.
Hey.
Hi.
You check the temperature.
See how it feels.
I'm Ted.
Vicky.
And then you slowly wade in.
I got left at the altar a month ago.
Or,you know,cannonball.
It was a complete disaster and ever since then, I haven't been able to even look at another woman.
Except for the old lady on the subway who break-dances for nickels.
I don't look at her that way.
I just look at her.
I mean,it's an old lady break-dancing.
And she is good.
I'm going to give her a dollar next time.
Hey,let's pretend I just said this: These elevator rides have been the highlight of my week, and I'd love to see you again Friday night.
Not in the elevator.
At a rtaurant, a nice one.
What do you say? Yes.
NARRATOR: Kids,I walked in on a lot of crazy stuff at the old apartment over the years.
Sorry,guys.
I'm just going to go with a bowl of fruit.
It's been 12 minutes! Drop it! You first! Ike,why are you pointing your gun at me? Don't use my name! Put the guns down,now! But one of the craziest things I ever walked in on happened when I was roommates with your Aunt Robin.
Hey.
Hey.
Who are you?! I'm Mitch.
What you doing,Mitch? Oh,you must be the roommate.
I'm on a date with Robin.
She had to step outside to take a call.
I guess her cell phone doesn't work in here.
Oh Ohh! OhRobin,uh,didn't use the super secret signal.
We-we put this old takeout menu on the doorknob.
Place went out of business.
Mr.
Wang's Guess I don'have to explain why that's funny.
I'm going to go.
Um,when you leave, take the seat cushion with you.
That's trash now.
I think that I am more than qualified for the job.
My weaknesses? Um I would say caring too much, working too hard, and putting my career in front of my love life.
Whoops,that last one was real.
What?! TED: Well,it appears our sweet, innocent,little Robin has taken a lover.
A young blade by the name of Mitch.
No,her blind date? Uh-uh.
Total bust.
She's been sending me text messages all night.
She just let him go upstairs to use the bathroom a second ago.
Excuse me a minute.
Ah! Buddy,you are killing me.
I'm kind of in the middle of something here.
Middle of what?! This is my move.
It's called,"The Naked Man.
" "The Naked Man"? Goes like this: You're on a first date, you've had a few drinks, MITCH: You make an excuse to go up to the girl's apartment.
So,the bathroom's right there.
||You know what, I'm going to grab this.
Okay.
Hello? Then,once she leaves the room, you strip down naked and wait.
When she comes back, she laughs.
She's so charmed by your confidence and bravado, she sleeps with you.
Boom! There is no way that works! Two out of three times.
Two out of three times? Two out of three times.
You just have to pick your spot.
"The Naked Man" is best used as a last resort, kind of a Hail Mary on a first date when you know there's not going to be a second one.
How do you know there's not going to be a second date? Ted,look at me.
I'd rather not,Mitch.
Robin is way out of my league.
I'm not smart, funny or handsome.
And as you can plainly see, there's nothing impressive going on anywhere around here.
My only shot with a girl like Robin is the element of surprise.
And,let's be honest, a little pity.
It's shock and "aw.
" This doesn't really work.
Two out of three times.
Guaranteed.
No way.
Two out of three times.
He guaranteed it.
Oh,come on.
There is no way that's going to work on Robin.
She's going to walk in there, take one look at that idiot and send him packing.
Yeah,she migh kick his ass first.
Yeah,she might get her gun and shoot him.
BARNEY: Go,go! My God! It worked.
"The Naked Man" works! This is going to revoluonize the one-night stand! This is like the forward pass in football.
The slam dunk in basketball.
The haircutting technique where they hold it between thr fingers and cut right above it.
It's a total game changer! Barney,this guy slept with Robin, who you claim to be in love with.
How can you be excited about this? Lily,"The Naked Man" is bigger than me and Robin.
All these years,I have been busting my hump, with my secret identities and my tricks and my gadgets.
I mean,I'm like Batman.
But this Mitch fellow, he's Superman.
He just rips off his clothes and he's good to go.
What kind of gadgets are we talking about? So,this is what it's going to be like, us living together? I come home, and guysou're dating are just going to be sitting on the couch,naked.
Well,I wish I could say no.
I still cannot believe the "Naked Man" worked on you.
Well,what can I say? Okay,I went in there, and he was naked.
It was funny.
I laughed, he laughed.
And then it just kind of happened.
I don't know.
I call "slut!" Slut?! Oh?! Oh! Excuse me? I'm sorry,Robin,but you hooking up with this guy makes it seem like the only thing standing between you and sex is clothes.
I didn't just sleep with Mitch because he was naked.
Then why did you sleep with him? Becausehe,um He,uhuh,because I care about Mitch.
A lot.
There was a,uh, connection of specialness.
Of,uh,specialness and feelings.
It was because he was naked.
And I'm sorry, but I don't approve.
There is only one reason to sleep with somebody, and that is "love.
" : Oh,ha,ha,ha,ha! Yeah,Marshall's a big girl because he believes in true love and just finished reading The Notebook because the secretaries bullied him into joining Oprah's Book Club.
Fine! But you know I'm right.
Marshall, I love you, but there's lots of reasons to have sex.
Name one.
I can name 50.
No,you can't.
Number one: last Thursday.
Hey,Marshall, want to do it? I'm up.
You befouled our marital bed because you couldn't get to sleep?! You're the one who said, "That shadow on the ceiling "looks like a scary toothless clown.
Good night,Lily.
" Fine! That's one.
But I defy you to name I'm going to name 50.
There's "makeup" sex Ooh.
"breakup" sex, Hmm and "your friend just told you about a new-position" sex.
You're welcome.
There's also "revenge", "rebound", Mm-hmm.
"paratrooping.
" You know,when you go out of town but instead of getting a hotel room,you go straight to a bar with the sole intention of hooking up with a girl so you have a place to stay.
Oh,you mean "banging for roof.
" : Slut! I dot do it.
My college roommate did it.
Oh,no,no,Robin, I just have a bad cough.
: I don't really have a bad cough.
: We all know "college roommate" means you,slut! Does anyone have a lozenge? Ooh,ooh,ooh, I've got one.
"Nothing good on television" sex.
Mm.
"Hotel room" sex.
"Curiosity," as in "I've always wondered what it's like to have sex "with a really tall girl.
" Not a big girl, just a tall girl.
Like if a normal girl were seven, seven-and-a-half-feet tall and wore a denim miniskirt.
I would have to know what that is like.
Okay.
"He said he loved you, but you're not ready to say it back yet" sex.
Forty-three.
"Wingman diving on the friend grenade.
" Forty-four.
"The condoms are about to expire.
" Forty-five.
Wow,this is getting a little hard.
Forty-six! Okay,four more to go.
Ooh! "You dropped a Cheeto on his lap "and when you reached for it, "he thought you were making a move, "so you just went with it.
" Well,thank you for ruining the memory of our six-month anniversary.
You got me Cheetos.
Look,can we just stop with this stupid list? Okay,you guys are making me sad.
No,I'm having fun.
Man,ts whole "one-partner" thing sucks sometimes.
I'm always talking about you.
I can't play "I never" because then everyone would know all the weird stuff I let you do to me.
The only weird thing I ever did to you was open up my heart and soul when all I had to do was strip naked while you were out of the room.
I didn't sleep with Mitch because he was naked! Mitch and I have something special.
I mean,fingers crossed,guys.
He may be the one.
The one?! Mitch?! The Naked Man?! You mean the naked genius.
All these years I've been suiting up when I should have been suiting down.
That's it.
I am doing "The Naked Man" tonight.
Ted,so are you.
What? With the elevator girl.
Yore going out with her tonight,right? "Naked Man!" No.
Barney,come on, this is the first girl I've had the courage to ask out since Stella.
"Naked Man"! No,Barney,this is the eighth outfit I tried on tonight! I got my hair cut three times! I'm a nervous wreck! Are you wearing makeup? It's not makeup! Okay,it's a sunscreen with a subtle tint of It's made for men.
Sue me,I want my eyes to pop.
"Naked Man"! No,Barney, I like Vicky.
This could actually go somewhere.
I don't want to do anything stupid to jeopardize it.
Well,I really like that girl,but Oh,I didn't see her from the back.
I really like that girl.
And I'm willing to jeopardize our future together for one night of glory.
: Naked Man! NARRATOR: So,that night we all set out to prove something.
Robin wanted to defend her honor.
Mitch,hey, baby,it's me.
Robin.
Do you want to grab some dinner tonight? : Because you're basically my boyfriend! Lily needed to prove that she could finish her list.
I'm stuck.
I can't think of the last two.
Reason number 48: To reinforce good behaviors such as shaving and dental hygiene.
" Oh,now you're conditioning me? Great! That elains why I always get an erection when I floss.
I had to prove that as scary as it was to be dating again, I was over Stella and ready to get back out there.
And Barney needed to prove that he,too, could pull off "The Naked Man.
" Hey,thank you for letting me look at your aquarium.
You're a real life saver.
Sure,no problem.
I just need to use the bathroom and I'll be on my way.
Ted,I'm doing it.
I'm doing the "Naked Man"! Me,too! doing it! I'm doing The Naked Man! That's great! What made you change your mind? Welluh,the date with Vicky started off okay, but it didn't go as well as I hoped.
Oh,my God! Ted,you are so funny! And can I just say, you have amazing eyes.
What,these old things? Oh! Nice j,hot shot.
Save it! Go tell the manager he owes us an appetizer.
One of the ones with shrimp! Me You're welcome.
You were saying? And then his cane missed the top step, and he was falling,for, I swear,like two minutes.
Oh,God,I love old people.
Once I realized there was no possible future in this relationship, I just decided to go for it.
Awesome! Okay,big question: What pose will you display your "Naked Man" in? Huh.
Wow,that is a big question.
I hadn't really thought about it.
I was thinking the "Superman.
" Uh,what about the "Captain Morgan"? How about the "Oops, I didn't see you there"? The Thinker? What about the Heisman? Mr.
Clean? The Burt Reynolds.
It's so great to see you again.
I-I really had a great time last night.
So,what is it like managing a C.
P.
K.
? I mean,who's idea was it to put a pineapple in the Okay,stop right there.
I know what this is.
I've been on this date before.
This ithe "I'm not a slut" date.
What? That's crazy.
Usually you read me so well, but this time you're wrong.
Come on,Robin.
One of us had a good time last night, and we both know it was me.
Oh,Mitchell Something, that is,that is just not true! Really? How was the sex? I didn't hate it.
Robin,you've seen my move.
That's it.
I have nothing else to offer you.
I'm broke,I sweat when I eat, and I'm in,like,five different fantasy football leagues.
It's all I talk about.
Trust me,you don't want to be around that.
What? Yes,I do! Look,I didn't just sleep with you because you were naked.
Yeah,you did.
And now you're trying to pretend it was something more to make yourself feel better.
Say what you will, at least "The Naked Man" is honest.
What about the ol' "Coppertone Baby"? The Olympic gymnast who stuck the landing.
|| Hup! Yeah,I got to go.
Naked Man! You have a really nice place! Oh,thanks! Coming from you, that's a real compliment.
I just love that you're an architect,it's so fascinating.
I could listen to you talk about structural design all night.
And then I noticed, lying on her end table, a book of love poems by Pablo Neruda.
|| The same edition I'd had since college.
And it was bookmarked to my favorite poem.
Maybe I was all wrong about this girl.
Maybe there was a future for us.
Crap! Here we go.
Pablo Neruda.
Oh,yeah,that book's a turd.
Some douchey guy I hooked up with left it here.
|| It's all in Mexican.
You know who writes good poems? VICKY: Jewel.
Her teeth are crooked and she lived in a car.
So,she has stuff to write about.
Ta-dah! Okay.
"The Naked Man" works! I just had decent sex with an awful human being.
I am back! Congratulations,buddy.
You're not the only one who rocked "The Naked Man" tonight.
You just want to do it to change the subject.
Yeah.
Hey,that's number 49! Did it work? It's like I just flossed.
I love you.
That's 50.
Oh,yeah Nice! What pose did you go with? I went with "I've got boobs.
" And she nailed it.
Oh,my God! Guys,guys,guys! This is him! This is "The Naked Man"! Um,Ted,his name is Mitch.
And,um,he's my boyfriend.
So It's okay,Robin.
I no longer call "slut.
" Oh,okay.
You can go.
We're done.
Thanks.
Hold on, Mitch,Mitch, I have to thank you.
We all tried "The Naked Man" tonight.
Oh! Ooh,wshould see how Barney did.
Hello? Hi,is,uh, is Barney there? No.
Oh,my God! What's the matter with you?! Get out! I just have to grab my suit.
It's very expensive.
The tie alone Get out of here right now! Get out,you sick son of a bitch! Call me.
And if I see him again, I'm calling the cops.
Two out of three times.
Mitch,I want you to know, this night,crazy as it was, it got me out of my shell.
That's the beauty of "The Naked Man.
" It gives you exactly what you need.
No more,no less.
Now,if you'll excuse me, I need to replace one of my fantasy football quarterbacks.
He separated his shoulder! A toast to Mitch.
By the sum of his parts, he is just a man.
But by what he does with those parts,he becomes so much more.
TED: He may not fit society's definition of a hero, but he is the hero I needed.
The hero who helped me recover from the disaster of my failed almost-marriage and get back into the game.
He lives in the shadows.
Is he a dream? Truth? Fiction? Damnation? Salvation? He is all these things and none of them.
For he is "The Naked Man.
" Oh,thank God.