How I Met Your Mother s04e11 Episode Script

Little Minnesota

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It's freezing out there.
Where's your coat? Ted, I'm canadian.
I don't need a coat.
This kind of weather is nothing for me.
This is like a spring day back in minnesota, If it weren't for all the taxis And the skyscrapers and non-white people.
There aren't any black people in minnesota? Not if prince is on tour.
Well, my sister's plane got in an hour ago, Or as a meteorologist might say, Hurricane heather has just made landfall.
Come on.
She's not that bad.
Here's the back of heather's baseball card.
It took her six years To graduate from three different colleges, During which time she wrecked two cars, Got married for five days, And lived in a tree for nine weeks, Only to realize that no one had any intention Of cutting it down.
And now, heather says She's moving to new york.
Wow, that's big news.
She's never gonna go through with it.
Remember a few years back when she talked about transferring To nyu? And then, On the day of the admissions interview Heather? Where's my couch and my tv? I sold them For nine inch nails tickets.
The tv alone is worth two grand.
Well, a last-minute plane ticket is expensive.
Where are you? Somewhere in spain.
Oh! Gotta go.
Slow song.
Oh, crap.
It's barney.
So? For all the years heather's been visiting new york, Ted's never let barney meet her.
And I never will.
Every year when the mosby family christmas card shows up Pulling down her pants Yanking off my own Underneath the mistletoe I'll make your sister moan Oh! Heather's hot, Heather's hot And we'll go all the way I wish I could see her naked I wish I could see her naked I wish I could see her naked And down on all fours.
Ted has a little sister Gets hotter every day And if I ever meet her with her boobies I will play! Everybody! Sister, sister, sister! What? I can celebrate hanukkah, too.
Oh, it's him again.
I should probably get it.
Hey, barney.
What's on tap for tonight? Oh, we're heading over to marshall and lily's For a kathy bates movie marathon, But not misery.
You wanna join us? Oh.
He hung up.
Oh, it's great to see you.
Hey, kiddo.
You look great.
How are things back home? Well, I moved into your old room.
Did you know that you can see Strange mrs.
Gottwald's bedroom across the street? Oh, yes.
I am aware of that.
How's she looking? Ted, she's 62.
Answer the question.
Surprisingly perky.
Man, it is cold out there.
Why, hello.
I've been waiting for you.
Wait a second.
That's not our chair.
Did you bring that chair yourself? I needed one that swivels.
Heather mosby Barney.
Um How did you even know heather was coming into town? Never tell me anything! You know I can't keep secrets around christmas! Robin's giving you an ipod! Ted, can I chat with you For a sec in the kitchen? No one touch the chair.
It's a rental.
I can't believe you've been Hiding your sister from me all these years.
Do you blame me? You're like weird al yankovic If he only wrote christmas songs about banging my sister.
First of all, I'm flattered.
Secondly, they're just jokes.
A bro can joke about another bro's sister.
It doesn't mean I'm ever gonna act on it.
Look, I love my sister, and as her older brother, It's my job to protect her from guys like you.
You don't trust me, do you? No.
And I don't trust her either.
I guess I'll just Take my chair and go.
Wait Stop Come back Lily and I are taking heather out for dinner on sunday.
Do you wanna come? I already called hurley's and added a fourth.
You really can't tell lily anything.
No, you can't tell her Jeez.
That year, the holidays Were really making aunt robin miss canada, So marshall brought her to the spot he went Whenever he got homesick The walleye saloon.
Evening, everybody.
Marshall! Meet robin.
Robin! Go back to drinking.
Drinking! What's up, marshall? Hey, what's u? Whoa! Bud! What's with the hitch in your giddyap? Oh, I was playing some hockey today.
Tore up something in my knee.
Did you go to the hospital? Nah.
I just poured some beer on it.
Can't miss the vikes game.
Twin cities! Oh, yeah! I love the guys here.
They're real men.
No hair products or manicures.
All new york guys are like 10% girl.
Come on.
That seems a little unfair.
I'll have the vichyssoise With just a soupon of crme frache.
Too much dairy and I tend to bloat.
So I found an apartment today.
Really? Yeah.
And I was hoping you'd have A little more wine in you before I asked you this, but I need you to co-sign the lease.
Let me think about it.
That means he's not going to do it.
I could really use your help on this.
Let's talk about this later, okay? Don't hold your breath.
What is it? You don't trust me? You're my sister.
Now he's just stating a fact.
Look, ted, I am serious about a career in finance, but You just keep looking at me like I'm a four-year-old Who says she wants to be an astronaut.
I just don't think you have any idea How tough it is to make it in new york.
You need connections.
If only ted knew someone who worked at, say Goliath national bank, Then Wait.
What? I work at goliath national bank.
How 'bout that? All right.
We got two bemidji pale ales And Who ordered the mini-burgers? Me.
Is that fisherman's quest? Mm-hmm.
I used to play fq all the time back home! Oh, yeah? I kinda have high score.
Not to brag, but I caught Oh A 35-inch northern pike.
The biggest video fish anyone's ever reeled in.
I mean Freshwater.
A tip of the angler's cap, my friend.
Thank you for bringing me here.
Uh! Those are mine.
This is not a good idea.
Heather and barney alone in his office? And I certainly don't want to be on the hook for her lease.
She is growing up.
You just can't see it yet.
We're talking about a girl who was busted for shoplifting Eight months ago.
Ted, a lot of women Go through a shoplifting phase.
And sure, maybe to this day, they swipe The occasional smaller item because it turns them on In a weird way that they can't quite explain.
But If it'll make you feel better, I-i'll tag along to gnb tomorrow.
I'll say I'm having lunch with marshall, But actually, I'll be spying on her and barney.
Okay, I'm good with that.
Heather! Heather Good luck tomorrow at gnb.
I'm sure You'll knock 'em dead.
And I'll be spying on you guys.
Damn it! "i'm drinking till I forget the 1999 nfc championship"? That game.
The vikings Were two minutes away from going to the super bowl, When our kicker, who hadn't missed all year Shanked a field goal, and we lost in overtime.
Damn! '99 nfc championship game? Yeah.
Damn! My dad, who I'd never seen cry my whole life, Wiped away a tear.
He said "a little part of me just died, son.
" I love how intense you guys are about your vikings.
It's like when we watch hockey night in canada What? Don't let anyone in here know That you're not from minnesota.
Why? What are they gonna do if they find out I'm from Does this look like a dallas bar to you, pal? It's weird, but there's something comforting About being carried like this.
See you later, buddy! Man, can you believe that guy? So, robin, where are you from? Bemidji.
Bemidji, minnesota.
Go, vikes! Kids, for what happened next, I'm gonna jump ahead a couple days.
That is a pretty sweet briefcase.
Mmm That's a pretty sweet security camera, too.
Oh! And there's another one.
And a guard.
I'm planning on paying for it, ted.
Well, you don't have the job yet.
That door's a push, not a pull.
There you go.
Hey, thanks again for keeping an eye on her yesterday.
Look, maybe I was wrong.
She sounds like she handled barney just fine.
Maybe she'll be able to handle new york.
No thanks necessary! Heh! Why not? I have a secret.
No, I don't! Nothing happened.
Something happened.
What happened? Nothing.
After heather's interview, I went to say hi to marshall for a few minutes, And when I came back Oh, my god! Lily, lily, before you say or do anything, I beg you one favor.
What? Get off that.
It's prada.
I am so sorry.
I knew it.
I knew it all along.
She is still the same, irresponsible train wreck That she always was, and when I see barney You won't say a word.
Ted, heather begged me not to tell you.
She will hate my guts if she knows that I blabbed.
Oh, I love that briefcase, but I can't afford it.
You were right, ted.
I certainly was.
See? She didn't get the briefcase! That's responsible! And there's almost no way she had sex with anyone in there.
Turning over a new leaf.
Evening, everybody! So my dad and I are at the '99 nfc championship game.
I say evening, everybody! And when we missed that field goal and lost Damn! Damn! Damn.
My dad, who I had never seen cry in my entire life, Wiped away a tear and said, "a little part of me just died, son.
" "son"? I told it the way I'm gonna tell my son.
If I'm ever lucky enough to have a son, And name him rashad tarkenton.
Robin, Great story.
Great story! But it does sound a little bit familiar.
I know! They totally ate it up.
I see what you're doing here.
What? I brought you here as a favor Because Because I felt sorry for you, okay? And now it's like you're trying to steal my bar.
You think I'm trying to steal your bar? Oh, get oot.
"get oot"? What, are you canadian? No, i You want to impersonate a canadian, Just turn of the lights and get all scared! What was that? Oh, well, with canada right across the border, We minnesotans sometimes like to make jokes At your guys' expense And they're all sort of along the same theme.
That we're afraid of the dark? Yeah, For example.
Uh, hey, everyone, how many canadians does it take To change a lightbulb? "what? Oh, no, the lightbulb's out?! I'm scared!" That is insane.
Why do you think the canadians are afraid of the dark? Well, where does any prejudice come from, robin? A stereotype starts, And all of a sudden it spreads like wildfire.
Like asians can't drive, scotsmen are cheap, Brazilians always put on way too much postage.
I just don't think this is gonna work out, robin.
You can't be hanging out with people who belittle Your beloved homeland, so I'll walk you out.
No, wait, I have something to say.
Hey, everybody.
Let me tell you something about people from canada.
Hey, robin, please don't make a scene.
Shh! Do you know why canadians never get a birthday wish? Because they're too afraid to blow out the candles.
Oh, god, I love it here.
I think your prospects at gnb are good.
You certainly made it clear You're will to take any position.
Are these new coasters? Well, I hope you get the job.
Nothing gives me more pleasure Than filling an opening.
I swear to god these coasters are thicker.
Well, I am willing to bend over backwards.
Okay, that's it! I cannot believe you had sex with my sister! You blabbed?! Do you know what? This is a new batch of the old coasters.
I'm just gonna confirm that with the bartender.
And you, you're mature and responsible now? Is it mature and responsible To go to your first big job interview in new york city And nail a total stranger? You've always been immature and irresponsible.
You will always be immature and irresponsible.
And I wouldn't cosign a library card for you, Let alone a lease.
Barney and I didn't have sex.
Save it.
Lily saw you.
Or did she? You see, ted, you had so little faith in heather and me We decided to give you Exactly what you expected of us.
And I knew we could count on lily to blab.
What? Why would you do that? Because you deserved it.
Ted, you know I'm no saint.
And yes, it's true that time I drove Your mother to the airport, Well, let's just say there was a very confusing, Sexually charged moment in short-term parking, But I said I would never go near your sister, And I meant it.
You should have trusted me.
You're so convinced I'm still Some out-of-control teenager, You missed the fact I grew up.
I'm gonna find a hotel.
I'll get my things later.
Merry christmas.
Your mom and I kissed.
Better get a move on.
You got five seconds to catch two more sturgeon.
Hey, we got a possible gill screen.
Forget it.
You can't catch two fish with one hook.
No, but I can catch one fish And use that fish to catch the other one.
High score! You beat marshall! She's canadian! Robin's canadian! She's canadian.
She's not from bemidji And she doesn't know a darn thing about the vikings.
You're just mad 'cause she got high score.
Robin, In the '99 nfc championship game when the vikings lost Damn! Oh, damn! Who was the kicker who missed the field goal? Rashad tarkenton.
Gary anderson.
He's now retired.
Owns a fly-fishing business In canada.
Good-bye, robin.
You know what? I'm glad you found oot Because I'm proud to be canadian.
We may not have a fancy nfl team or prince, But we invented trivial pursuit.
You're welcome, earth! Plus in canada, you can go to an all-nude strip club And order alcohol.
That's right.
From moosejaw to the bay of fundy, You can suck down a 20-ounce pilsner While watching some coal miner's daughter strip down to her pelt.
Jealous?! In canada people don't care where you're from, As long as you're friendly and maybe loan them a smoke Or hand over a donut.
I'm proud to be from the great white north And I wish I was there right now.
And we're not afraid of the dark.
I mean, we don't love it, but who does? Merry christmas.
Ted Look inside.
You just, if you push it towards the Not down, towards the middle.
Don't need your help.
Got it.
You signed the lease.
You know why? Because you trust me and think it's a great idea? Because I want to get to know you.
The new you.
By the way, In your new neighborhood, You really should get a good solid deadbolt for the door.
If you want To live.
I'm so sorry for what happened back there.
I-i acted like a total jerk.
I, I shouldn't have said anything.
No, look, I'm sorry.
That was your place.
I shouldn't have tried to make it mine.
Just every year at the holidays, I get homesick.
And so far, every year A boyfriend, a job, or something.
But this year for the first time, I don't.
Yes, you do.
What? We all love you, okay? If you ever moved back to canada, We would hop on a plane, we would track you down, And after barney dragged us To a few of those strip clubs you talked about, We would bring you back right here Where you're supposed to be.
It's It's not new york without robin scherbatsky.
I just miss it there sometimes.
I wish I could blink my eyes And be back in canada for an hour, you know? I was hoping you would say that.
How did you find this place? Feels like home, right? There's one way to find out.
Well, sorry there.
Didn't see ya.
Are you okay? I'm fine.
Okay, sorry aboot that.
Have a donut on the hoose.
Okay, you bumped into him, And he apologized and gave you a donut on the hoose? Oh, it's just like home.
Sorry! It's gonna be fine! Sorry.
No one likes the dark.
Next up from Ontario Marshall erickson.
I didn't know you signed up.
What are you gonna sing? Oh, I think you'll recognize it.
Buddy, you can turn off the screen.
We know the lyrics.