How I Met Your Mother s04e18 Episode Script

Old King Clancy

In the spring of 2009, I'd been hired to design a new headquarters for Goliath National Bank.
And I was eager to add as much of my voice as an architect into the plans as possible.
Wood beams bathed in natural light in the atrium.
They're gonna love it! There was only one problem, and his name was Bilson.
Wood? Natural light? Uh, no! Natural light reminds the workers that there is an outside world where they have family and friends.
We want to crush that! You show up in the dark, you go home in the dark.
You spend your whole damn day in the dark! I need to hear Lily's voice.
Who said you could leave? Bilson was killing every original idea I had.
Then, one day, GNB took him off the project and created a new task force to oversee my designs.
Suddenly, everything changed.
We'll have a rooftop Zen garden for quiet contemplation.
We'll have a reflecting pool in the lobby where local children can come to make wishes.
The new GNB, a place of work that you can call home.
Thank you, and, um, welcome home.
Everything was going great, until one day, in the elevator Whoa! Yeah, it's Ted.
No, no, no, no.
I did not approve that change for the blueprints for the new GNB headquarters for which I'm the head architect at only 30 years old.
Yes, I'm single and I give to charity.
What does that have to do with anything? All right, goodbye, Mr.
Mayor.
You know that was a fake phone call, don't you? Yes, and I also know that the new GNB headquarters project was scrapped last month.
Nice try.
Hot, talented, and nobody does that many Woody Allen movies without serious daddy issues.
If I could nail any celebrity, it would be Lily.
She's the star of my heart.
Aw! For me, it'd be Hugh Jackman.
You know, I don't know, celebrities, they're into some really weird sex stuff.
Trust me.
How would you know that? This is embarrassing, but I I went home with a celebrity one night.
Oh, my God! Seriously? Yeah.
He wanted to do this really freaky thing with me, so I left.
That's it.
End of story.
No, no, not end of story.
I need to know who, what, when and in where.
Spill it! Lily, please settle down.
You're swallowing too much air.
But before you go any further, I'm flattered, but technically, I'm not a celebrity.
And plus, for the last time, I put the mask on as a joke.
Okay, not you, Barney.
Okay, who is it? Okay, now you gave Lily the hiccups.
Okay, I won't tell you anything specific, but all I'll say is he is Canadian-born, but you definitely know this guy, and he got me back to his place by offering to show me a very unique collection.
What do you mean, collection? Well, you know how some people collect, like, stamps or coins? It's like that.
But I'm not telling.
Well, at least tell us the weird thing he wanted to do.
I don't know what you call it in the States, but we have a name for it in Canada.
Look, I've already said too much.
So, mystery celebrity who collects a mystery item asked you to do a mystery Canadian sex act.
- Yes.
- Tell us! Okay, I'll tell you.
But only if you guess all three parts correctly.
- Well, that's just impossible.
- Exactly.
I don't even know any Canadian sex acts.
Well, you got your Sloppy Dog Sled, your Alberta Fur Trapper, your Full Mountie How do you know all these? Canadiansexacts.
org, it's bookmarked on the top right.
- "Dot org"? - Yeah.
It's not for profit.
They really just want to get the information out there.
Hey, so, I just had the weirdest conversation.
This woman at GNB told me that the new bank building was scrapped last month.
That's crazy, right? Wait, what What was that look? - Should we tell him? - I don't want to tell him.
- I think we should tell him.
- We're not telling him.
There was no look.
Guys, what the hell? Okay, it's time that you know the truth.
A few weeks ago, Bilson called us into his office.
We're scrapping the plan for the new GNB headquarters.
This recession is killing us.
We're cutting anything non-essential.
And I have a lot of tough choices to make at the bi-quarterly retreat in Saint Croix.
Man, Ted is gonna be devastated.
Not when he hears it coming from his best friend.
- I have to tell him? - I have to tell him? You should tell him, you're his best friend.
- Am not, you're his best friend.
- Am not, you're his best - Am - Quiet, here he comes.
What, the white dude or the Asian fellow? See? I barely know the guy.
- Hey, Ted, what's up? - Hey, how're you doing? I'm frustrated.
Anything innovative I put in my designs, Bilson just hacks out with a machete.
I hate having to answer to a guy like that.
You should drop the project.
You should totally drop the project.
It's beneath you.
Then it's settled.
To Ted Mosby's new chapter.
May the wind be at your back, and may the road Are you kidding? They just laid off another architect at my firm.
I mean, Bilson's a pain, sure, but without this project, I'm probably out of a job.
Right.
Um, it's funny that you mention the project, - because - You're nailing it.
Keep up the good work, buddy.
Your hair and teeth look fantastic today.
You're shining like a diamond! Thank you.
I needed that.
All right, I'm going to head upstairs and keep working.
I've got to find a way to introduce some wood into Bilson's dark atrium.
I think you know what I meant.
- What was that? - I I have a thought, okay? We're paying Ted's firm for two more months of design work, no matter what, so couldn't we just let him keep working and not tell him? He's had a rough year.
Let's let the guy be happy a little while longer.
Marshall, what you're suggesting is an elaborate, long-term lie that requires tremendous commitment.
A nice guy like you can't pull that off.
- Sure I can.
- Lie to me right now.
Okay.
I have a spaceship.
- What kind of fuel powers your spaceship? - Okay, I don't have a spaceship.
No! Stand your ground.
If someone questions you, distract them from the original lie with more lies.
Here, let me demonstrate.
I own a pony.
Ask me a question.
Okay.
Um What color is your pony? Well, when I first got Dandelion, she was a deep chestnut brown, but sadly, her stable is located near a chemical plant which contaminated the drinking water.
So over time, she's turned a sickly, grayish-white color, and there's nothing that the vet can do to fix her.
My God! I'm That's horrible.
Is Dandelion going to be okay? - Okay.
All right.
You are good! - Huh? Dandelion's not even sick, is she? So the building's really dead and you guys lied to me? We just did it to protect you, Ted.
I can't believe this.
I just got screwed by my two best friends, and I didn't even know it.
In Canada, that's called a "Sneaky Snowplow.
" That building was my dream job, and now, it's just gone.
- We're so sorry, Ted.
- I need a drink.
Poor Ted.
Would I seem heartless if I switched us back to Canadian Sex Acts? - Not at all.
- I'm surprised you waited this long.
What the hell is a Two-Hand Zamboni? Let's just say the only thing the woman is wearing is skates on her hands.
A Manitoba Milk Bag? Okay, it's like a Chicago Mustache, but the person on the bottom is wearing a snowsuit.
- A Newfoundland Lobster Trap? - Don't know.
Don't want to know.
Those Newfies are out of control.
Okay! Okay, I'm going to make my first guess.
Okay, but I'll only tell you if you correctly guess the person, the act and the collection.
Okay, I'm going to go.
Bryan Adams.
He collects baseball cards, and he wanted to do a Greasy Kayak.
No.
Wayne Gretzky, vintage Hot Wheels, a Squatting Eskimo.
- No.
- Mmm! Kiefer Sutherland, souvenir shot glasses, and a Sticky Flapjack.
No.
That I would have done.
Wait.
Wait, if they pulled the plug on the project a month ago, why have I been going in once a week to meet with the New Headquarters Task Force? Well, obviously you couldn't come in and pitch to Bilson.
So, we invented the task force.
Then it was just a question of putting together the team.
You know Roy Waterman, Vice-President of Capital and Risk? He's actually Roy the janitor.
Hey.
Excuse me, Roy.
How'd you like to make a few extra bucks? How naked do I have to get? Louisa Mendoza, Executive Vice-President of Assets? She's actually Louisa the lunch lady.
Louisa, I need your help with something, but you can't tell anybody.
Exactly.
This is a big secret.
How do you say "secret" in Spanish? Ah.
Yes, albóndigas.
This will be our little albóndigas.
Hey, can I have a couple of meatballs, please? And Arthur Naismith, the eccentric genius guru of corporate investments? He's actually Crazy Arty, - Excuse me.
- Ah! Do you have a minute to talk? Actually, my assistant, Reginald, makes all my appointments.
We rounded out the group with a few interns and paid everyone 50 bucks to act super-interested in what you were saying.
Reginald, get me out of this for next week.
That was some of the most inspired design work I've done in my entire career.
I was so excited.
Alex Trebek, a Musty Goaltender, Beanie Babies! - Nope.
- Damn it! Wait.
So that explains the thing that happened with Louisa.
- Good job, buddy.
- Nice, nice! Listen, Louisa.
What are we going to do about this? Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about.
I know you feel it, too.
What the hell? No! No! No, this is wrong! For God's sake, you're on the task force! Is there anything else you want to tell me? Well, you know how you played third base for the GNB softball team? Yeah.
There is no GNB softball team.
We just rented out a field, rounded up a bunch of guys and told them to make you the hero.
So my game-winning walk was a lie? We're sorry, Ted, but we knew that you'd be out of work soon, and we just We just wanted to make you feel good.
- You know, that's what friends do.
- Lie to each other? Sometimes, yeah, to protect each other's feelings.
No way! You never lie to your friends.
I would never not be honest with you.
Really? What about that open mic night at the comedy club? Are you like me, folks? Have you ever thought about how many different kinds of fish there are, and the names of those fish? Let's, uh, let's take a little ride.
"Trout.
"Am I right? "Sturgeon.
"I don't think so, pal.
"Salmon.
" Ah! I'm going to say that again.
"Salmon.
" Who thought that was a good idea, right? "Bass.
" This guy over here knows what I'm talking about.
"Halibut.
" Thank you, good night.
- How was I? - Oh! You were great.
Really funny.
You killed everyone's Thursday night.
Time out.
You didn't like the fish list? It was horrible! You just read a list of fish.
Anyway, you guys just proved my point, okay? You lied to me to protect my feelings.
This is completely different! I just wasted a month of my life working on a dead project.
That's time I could've spent trying to bring my firm new business.
Instead, I'm going to go in there tomorrow morning, I'm probably going to get fired.
Best-case scenario, my boss is going to ream me out in front of everybody.
- Back home, we call that a - "Saskatoon Totem Pole.
" Yes.
- It's on here.
Good morning, lying bastards.
Anything you want to lie about before I head off to work to get fired? - That's a nice shirt.
- You're the devil.
Ted, what if we told you that we found you a new project at GNB where you would be redesigning part of the 20th floor? Well, if that's a lie, it's an incredibly dull one.
What exactly would I be doing? This is the 18th floor ETR.
Basically, Bilson wants a room just like this, only two stories up, on our floor.
Wait, what's an ETR? - It's the Employee Transition Room.
- What does that mean? Well, it's a space where a supervisor and an employee engage in a knowledge transfer about an impending vocational paradigm shift.
People get fired in here.
That's horrible.
Why do you need a room specifically for firing people? Well, GNB feels that people need a safe, secure space to deal with the news.
Yeah.
It gets pretty real in here.
So, I reluctantly agreed to design a room where people would be fired.
But I was determined to make it my own.
Now, when you leave the dismissal space, you'll exit into what I'm calling the Rebirth Tranquility Hallway.
Uh-oh.
Here, you'll find a soothing oval chamber with a trained grief counselor.
It's right here, past the New Beginnings Fountain.
Uh-oh.
And there you have it.
Instead of a drab, dark prison cell, a nurturing womb birthing you into a new life.
I love it.
- Really? - Yeah.
- Nice work, Ted.
- Thank you.
Can you add some of these touches to the existing 18th Floor ETR as well? - Absolutely.
- Great.
Let's take a look.
- Okay, so I'm thinking this wall - You're fired! - What? - I wanted this room! This exact room, two floors up! - But - You're fired! Now, get the hell out of here.
Hey, honey.
Anyone from the band Rush, a Montreal Meatpie, and superhero lunch boxes.
No.
Okay.
Rick Moranis, the Reverse Rick Moranis, antique Judaica.
- No.
- I give up.
I've been guessing for three days.
I'm done.
If that means I never get to know, so be it.
- Fine.
- Tell us! Tell us! Tell us! Okay, you really want to know? Yes! Okay.
But this information does not leave this table.
Oh, my God.
I am so excited.
- I'm going to read it.
- Read it.
- I'm going to read it.
- Read it.
I'm going to read it.
Here we go.
"The Frozen Snowshoe, Old King Clancy, Harvey's trays.
" Right.
I don't know what any of those words mean.
Is one of those supposed to be a celebrity? Yeah, who the hell is Old King Clancy? No, that's not the person, that's the sex act.
It's the same as a Sacramento Turtleneck, except with maple syrup.
So the celebrity was Harvey Strays? No, that's what he collected.
Harvey's trays.
You know, those classic orange trays you get whenever you eat at Harvey's? The restaurant? Oh, come on, you're road-tripping down the Trans-Canada Highway, you get a hunger on between Milverton and Wawa, where are you gonna strap on a feed bag, huh? Harvey's.
"Over 12,000 Served!" - So the celebrity was - The Frozen Snowshoe.
Oh, my God! You guys have never heard of The Frozen Snowshoe? He's only the most famous professional wrestler in Canada.
I met him after he defeated Reckless Rick Rogers in the Kamloops Memorial Arena back in '02.
Classic match.
So you're saying The Frozen Snowshoe invited you back to his place to look at Harvey's trays, and asked you to do an Old King Clancy? Exactly.
And I'm serious, you cannot tell anyone.
Well, my hiccups are gone.
Possibly forever.
Canada! You did it again.
You even found a way to ruin this.
Why? Why do we let you be a country? - Hey, Mr.
Mister.
- Hey.
Shouldn't you be upstairs, designing your big, fancy ETR? - I'm off the project.
- What? - Bilson fired me.
- You're kidding me.
So what does this mean for you at your firm? Are you going to get laid off? - Actually, I just quit.
- Why? Because I can't work for big, heartless corporate clients anymore.
When I was pitching to your "task force," I was doing the most inspired work of my career.
In a way, you idiots reminded me how much fun my job can be when I'm not answering to the Bilsons of the world, so - I quit.
- Wow.
- They fired you, didn't they? - Yes, sir.
But I got a sweet severance package and I've made a big decision.
I'm going to start my own firm.
- Whoa, buddy! - That's exciting.
In this economy? So you're not mad? As it turns out, I'm grateful.
So how'd it all go down between you and Bilson? Well, after he proposed a vocational paradigm shift, I made an impromptu presentation using a four-pronged approach that really brought him to his knees.
- Hit him with a chair? - Yep.
That's my boy.
And this one, I got on the drive from Milverton to Wawa.
Wow.
That's pretty impressive, The Frozen Snowshoe.
Please, we're friends.
Just call me "Shoe.
" Have a seat.
So, Shoe, how would you like to give me an Old King Clancy? I think you should go.