How I Met Your Mother s04e21 Episode Script

The Three Days Rule

Great.
So, I'll give you a call.
I hope you do.
- Look at this.
- I just got that girl's number.
Check it out.
Holly.
Nice.
Girls whose names end in L-Y are always dirty.
Holly, Kelly, Carly, Lily.
Yeah, I know it's true.
And don't even get me started on girls whose names should end in Y, but instead end in I.
Those girls are like roller coasters.
You got to wait in a long line, but once you get up there, you just hold on for dear life and hope you don't drop your keys.
You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna call her right now.
I'm gonna do that whole, "Remember me? It's been so long".
See, it's funny because I just saw her.
You can't call her.
You have to wait 3 days to call a woman.
That's the rule.
Barney, that rule is completely played out.
Girls know exactly what you're doing.
I got a new rule.
It's kind of crazy, but I call it, you like her, you call her.
I'm sorry.
Can you repeat that? I don't speak "I never get laid".
Barney, the 3 days rule is insane.
I mean, who even came up with that? Jesus.
Barney, don't do this.
Not with Jesus.
Seriously.
Jesus started the whole wait 3 days thing.
He waited 3 days to come back to life.
It was perfect.
If he have only waited one day, people wouldn't have even heard that he died.
They'd be all, "Jesus, what up?" And Jesus would probably be, like, "What up? I died yesterday".
And then they'd be all, "You look pretty alive to me, dude".
And then he would have to explain how he was resurrected and how it was a miracle.
And then, the dude would be, like, "Okay, whatever you say, bro".
Ancient dialogue sounds so stilted now.
And he's not going to come back on a Saturday.
Everybody's busy doing chores.
Working the loom, trimming their beards.
No.
He waits the exact right number of days Three.
OK, I promise, I'll wait three days.
Just please stop talking.
Plus, it's Sunday, so everyone's in church already.
They're all in there, "No, Jesus is dead".
Then, bam! He bursts through the back door, runs up the aisle.
Everyone's totally psyched.
And, FYI, that's when he invented the high-five.
Three days, Ted.
We wait three days to call a woman because that's how long Jesus wants us to wait.
True story.
Okay, fine.
I promise.
I won't call Holly for three days.
But I never said anything about texting.
I started things off with something cute and charming.
"I was thinking about you, so I thought I'd send you a little texty text.
" And the moment I hit "Send", I realized it wasn't cute at all.
It was the lamest thing anyone has ever said to anyone.
And the worst thing about texting is that once you send it you can never get it back.
And then you wait.
And just when you've decided never to text anyone again "I've been thinking about you, too, "and how weird is it that you texted me while I was in the bath?" - What was that? - What? - You made a noise.
- That was my phone.
I got a text.
Not that.
You made your naked lady noise.
- What?! - Whenever you see a naked lady, you make the noise.
- I don't do that.
- Really? God, sorry, Lily.
While the men are out hunting, the women of New Guinea's indigenous Korowai tribe wash their clothes in the river.
That's totally a boob.
Is that Holly who keeps texting you? Didn't you promise to wait three days? To call, yes.
Texting is totally different.
Okay, well, just try to keep the naked lady noises to a minimum.
I don't make a naked lady noise.
Really? Holly and I stayed up texting until 2:00 in the morning.
And we spent the whole next day texting each other, too.
She seemed perfect.
Holly just told me what she's wearing right now.
It is pretty hot.
Yeah, whatever it is, I can guarantee you she's not wearing it.
She's lying to make you like her.
How do you know that? Because no woman in the history of the world is ever "just sitting around reading architecture magazines in my old "cheerleader uniform.
" Okay, maybe she's lying about the architecture magazines.
- No.
This is bad.
- What? She just sent me a text that was clearly meant for someone else.
"Baby, I picked up some take-out from Generro's.
Be home soon.
" Okay, yes, this sounds bad, but let's think about this, okay? It could be for a brother or maybe her sick dad.
Scroll down.
"And then I want you to do me on the couch.
" Okay, maybe not a sick dad.
Or a very sick dad.
Am I right? Sorry.
Hey, guys.
God.
What is this? It's some take-out from Generro's.
I'm bringing it home for Lily.
That's weird.
Holly just texted Ted something about take-out from Generro's.
Wait a second.
You sons of bitches.
What? You're Holly.
So Ted hasn't been texting Holly at all? He's been texting you two? Look, we knew he'd try to call her before the three days, so I swiped his phone, and I changed her number to my work cell.
We were just gonna bust on him for calling her too soon, but then he started texting her.
"Texty text"?! Poor, sweet Ted.
We should - we should tell him it's us.
- Yeah.
Or we pretend we're Holly, and we're in the bath.
Yeah, that's better.
That was fun.
- We should tell him that it's us.
- Yeah, we should.
Or we tell him our favorite color is red, and we think the cowboy look is very sexy.
Yeah, that's better.
I'm wearing them right now, and they do look sexy.
- He put on the boots! - He totally put on the boots! That was awesome! But it's time to tell him who he really put those boots on for.
Yeah.
Or we just took off our shirt.
Yeah, that's better.
You think maybe we're wearing a black lace bra underneath? I don't think we're wearing anything underneath.
God, we're hot.
Now he's only wearing the cowboy boots! - It is on! - It is so on! Tell him that we're we're slowing slipping out of our What are we doing? I think that we're about to have sex with Ted.
So, you did this to him all day? That's just mean.
No, it was it was actually for his own good.
We're protecting him from himself.
He really likes this girl.
He had that look in his eye.
Yeah, that crazy "I'm about to move too fast and screw this up" look.
The same look he had on his first date with you.
We all remember how that went.
- I think I'm in love with you.
- What? Yeah, well, I think I was a special case.
This Holly is no Robin Scherbatsky.
What is the deal with her hair? I mean, news flash: They make conditioners that don't leave a buildup.
I'm so bad.
Look, it's been a while since Ted really liked someone.
He's clearly got a lot of crazy stored up.
We just we thought we'd get him to say "I love you" before he makes contact with this girl.
And you can tell it's on the way.
He's exhibiting all the telltale signs.
Yeah.
One: He joked about getting married.
"You like architecture? We should get married.
"Ha-ha.
LOL.
Just kidding.
Question mark?" Two: He made a crazy way too soon trip suggestion.
"I like beer, too.
"We should totally go to Germany together.
"LOL.
JK.
LOL.
" And three: He got way too personal way too soon.
"Yeah, my parents got divorced a couple years back.
"It was really tough.
"LOL.
" And he clearly doesn't know what LOL means.
Yeah, but here's the real problem.
Ted wasn't saying "I love you" as easily as we thought he would.
Then we met Stan.
Why are you making so much noise, man? So we explained everything to him, and when we were done, something amazing happened.
Why don't you tell Ted that just knowing he's out there, thinking about you, caring about you, makes you feel safe? So, all your fears, all your yesterdays wash away, and only hope remains in the promise of his embrace.
Go, Stan.
- Who is this guy? - A security guard who works nights.
- He eats lunch at MacLaren's every day.
- And he wasn't done.
Not by a long shot.
You make me thank God for every mistake I ever made because each one led me down the path that brought me to you.
That's really nice, man.
Whatever.
It's okay.
"And when we finally come together, "I want you to hold me.
Hold me all night.
Stroke my hair.
Tell me I'm a woman and show me you're a man.
Until there there was only now.
You and I and now.
You want me to text that to Ted.
I know that.
"I do not ask of the night explanations.
"I wait for it, and it envelops me, "and so you and bread "and light and shadow are.
" That's Pablo Neruda.
I don't know what bread was doing in there, but that touched me here and here.
Well, if Ted won't say it, I will.
I love you.
That's cool.
Still nothing, huh? Maybe he's not in love with us.
How can he not be in love with us? We're everything he's looking for.
I don't get men.
Got to head to work.
Will you be Will you be back? I'll be back when the wind and fates and chance bring me back.
Which will be tomorrow.
It's cheese steak day.
It sounds like you were all over this guy.
Hope his girlfriend didn't get jealous.
Did he mention a girlfriend or? It was all going great until Marshall sent Ted a text meant for Lily - and ruined everything.
- It doesn't matter.
Okay? It's over now.
I got to get going, but here's what's gonna happen: You're going to call him right now, tell him what you did, and apologize.
You got it? Or Holly explained everything.
It was all just a misunderstanding.
Everything's great now.
Really? How did Holly explain her way out of that one? Apparently, her dumb friend Marsha accidentally used her phone - to text her husband Billy.
- Marsha and Billy.
No one sprained any muscles there.
And now we are better than ever.
Look, I know this sounds crazy, but I think I might actually be falling for this girl.
You're falling for Barney and Marshall.
- What? - They didn't believe that you could wait the 3 days, so Barney changed her number in your phone to his work cell.
Holly is Barney and Marshall.
Wait.
That whole time it was them? So Holly wasn't in the bath? Or sitting by her window, looking up at the stars, thinking about me? Or lounging in her old cheerleader uniform reading architecture magazines? Yeah.
I don't think they actually did those things.
They were just at the bar.
Right.
But, it was them.
- Unbelievable.
- I know.
So you might as well tell them you're on to them.
Or I text them something that will really mess with their heads.
Oh, I gotcha.
How about "I haven't told any of my friends yet, but I only have three months to live"? Not bad.
How about "I once killed a man with a shovel, and those feelings are creeping up again"? I liked that thing someone said before about having three months to live.
How about "I never told anyone this, but I slept with my best friend's mom"? That is good, but I feel like we keep coming back to that three months to live thing.
Wait.
I think I got it.
He texted back! "I probably shouldn't tell you this.
"I mean we barely know each other.
"But what the hell, I'll just say it.
" This is it, dude.
Here comes the "I love you.
" - I wish Stan were here.
- Stan.
What? "I sometimes have gay dreams about my best friend.
" "I sometimes have gay dreams about my best friend.
" Why in the world would Ted text a girl he barely knows that he sometimes has gay dreams about me? Slow your roll.
You? He's clearly talking about me.
Dude, it's me.
I'm his best friend.
Okay, one: That has never been proven.
Two: If anyone were to have gay dreams about one of us, it would be me.
I mean, look at me.
Now look at you.
A still-in-the-closet 80-year-old wouldn't be into that mess.
Here's the thing, Barney.
I'm snuggly.
You're not.
Who wouldn't want to snuggle up next to this business on a Sunday morning? Wrapped in a comforter, and it's raining outside, and there's muffins warming in the oven.
I'm cuddly, bitch.
Deal with it.
I work out every day.
If there is one thing we know about Ted, it's that he likes a nice body.
This body would rock his world.
Ted and I have a history.
I know what he likes.
There are things I could do to him that would blow his mind - Why do we want to have sex with Ted? - I don't know.
It's weird.
Crazy, right? Ted's having gay dreams about me.
And by me, he means M-E, Marshall Eriksen, star of Ted's gay dreams.
Who cares? So Ted has gay dreams about one of you guys.
It's not like you found out he has three months to live.
That's like shocking, right? Look at this guy.
How's it going best friend of 12 years? Well, it's kind of weird, but I had this crazy dream the other night.
It's a little embarrassing.
You can tell us, Ted.
This is a safe space.
Yeah, your feelings are perfectly natural, buddy.
Here's what happened.
And then I proceed to waste a half hour of those bastards' lives, telling them about this dream I had where I ate dinner with my top 5 favorite architects throughout history.
And then, at the end of the meal, Frank Gehry slides the check over to I.
M.
Pei, and he says, "Buddy, tonight, your name is I.
M.
Paying.
" Buckminster Fuller almost did a spit take.
And then I woke up.
So, that's it? No other dreams? Nothing confusing or erotic? Okay, how about this? You know how at some point in the future, - machines will rise up against us? - Sure.
So, the machines they've killed everybody, and all that's left is you, me, and Barney.
Which one of us would you, like get with? And why do I have to get with one of you? The machines are forcing you.
They want to watch.
That's just how they get down.
That's a tough one.
I guess it would have to be Holly.
Robin told me what you guys did.
That's why I made up the gay dreams thing.
Guys, this is Holly.
And I didn't wait your precious three days to call her.
I knew where she worked, so I tracked her down.
Let me ask you.
Did I call you too soon? I loved that he called me right away.
I found it very romantic.
And I don't sit around my apartment reading architecture magazines in my old cheerleader uniform.
I do that completely naked.
So Holly and I are going out to dinner.
I'll meet you out front.
I'm sorry, buddy.
We were just trying to help you.
And, also, it was really fun.
I don't need your help, okay? I can take care of myself.
And, yeah, maybe maybe there are some girls who wouldn't like it that I called them right away or said things too soon, but guess what? Those aren't the right girls for me.
Maybe the right girl is the one who loves that I do those things because that's just who I am, and I'm not gonna change because of some stupid Three Days Rule.
Holly spells her name with an "I".
So I had proven that the Three Days Rule was wrong, and I was out to dinner with a pretty girl.
And until right now, I've never told anyone the truth about what happened on that date.
That's so funny! I love indie music, too.
We should get married.
Just kidding.
Or am I? Just kidding again.
That's it.
We're totally going to Brazil together! And I went to my doctor this morning, and he said it is all cleared up, so I'm good to go.
I think I'm in love with you.
In the end, I didn't need to wait three days, but Holly really, really did.
Like a lot of rules, there are times to follow them and times to not.
But I will tell you this.
When I got your mother's number, I called her right away.
Hey, fellas.
- Aren't you working? - Took the night off.
- That's great! We can all hang out! - Yeah.
I can't.
Got a date.
You ready, baby? What the? Wait, wait.
Couldn't you guys just stay here and do your date with us? Yeah, it'll be fun! Look, I'm laughing! It's fun here! You like magic? Fellas, it's time we said good-bye.
I mean, we shared a very special afternoon together, and that's something I will always cherish.
I'll never forget you guys.
- Do you know their names? - No idea.
Is the tall one Ted? No.
That's Marshall.
He's married to Lily.
Okay.
You like chicken wings?