How I Met Your Mother s04e23 Episode Script

As Fast as She Can

Kids, Stella Zinman was the girl I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with.
Until she left me at the altar, smashing my heart to smithereens.
So when I ran into her seven months later, there was only one way to deal with her.
- Great to see you! - You, too.
And Tony! What a nice surprise.
"What a nice surprise"? No, a nice surprise would be if a safe fell from 40 stories and smushed them both.
You didn't let them have it? No, we had a nice friendly chat, then, they went their way and I went mine.
You blew it.
He blew it, right? - Well played, sir.
- Bravo.
- What? - You see, Ted played it cool, which is exactly what he should have done.
As a matter of fact, I'd say on a scale ranging from And I kept this sweater of yours and sometimes I just sit in the bathtub for hours just, you know, just sniffing it.
all the way to This is my new fiancée.
She's basically Stella, except she's French and, as you can see, she's got enormous cans.
Enchantée.
Enchanté.
I'd say you nailed it.
I'll do you one better.
You, sir, got Stella thinking.
"Gosh, Ted seemed so cool today.
Did I choose the wrong guy?" Give it a week, you'll get her back.
And her front.
Did you just feel that? I think we just had a "what up" quake.
I don't want her back.
Or her front.
I just want to move on.
And this was an important step towards that.
To moving on.
And you know, I really meant it.
But still, that night, my mind began to wander.
I made a terrible mistake.
I know.
I'm a better person than you are.
You totally are.
Let's get back together, and have way more sex.
Deal! Hello, Ted.
No, come in.
It's not weird at all.
I knew it was wrong to steal somebody's fiancée.
I mean, I grappled with it.
I was up nights.
And not for the good reason.
Well, sometimes for the good reason.
I mean, Stella and I hadn't seen each other in five years, so, as you can imagine, the beginning, it was just fast and furious.
Lamps breaking, furniture moving.
You see this bald patch? Anyway, we moved on.
Me, Lucy, Stella, we were gonna move to L.
A.
I was gonna become a screenwriter.
Then we bumped into you, and you just looked so sad.
Sad? No.
I think what you're calling sad was actually a jovial nonchalance.
You looked awful, okay? Like a little dachshund puppy with a bad back that's got to pull itself around on a cart.
Why are you here? I know I can come across pretty tough, but I can't bear to have hurt someone the way I hurt you.
I think fate put me on that corner to make this right.
Obviously, I can't fill that giant crater that Stella left in your heart.
- I've been dating.
Like, a lot.
- And then I heard you got fired.
I transitioned into small business ownership.
T's the backbone of the economy.
No, it's not.
Ted, my family's got a lot of money.
And I want to use that money to make this right with you.
Tony is rich? Ted, tell me he wrote you a check.
Tell me he wrote you a big, fat check.
A check so big it doesn't take its shirt off when it goes swimming.
That is a big, fat check.
A check so big, if you had sex with it, you wouldn't tell your buddies.
That is a big, fat check.
A check so big that when you sit next to it on an airplane, you find yourself wondering whether the check should have bought 2 seats.
- That - Is a big, fat check! Yeah! He didn't write me a check.
- Ted, I want to offer you a job.
- A job? Every year, my family gives a lot of money to Columbia University, so I got some pull.
How would you like to design My heart leapt into my throat.
A new library? A new student center? your very own curriculum as a professor of architecture.
No, thanks.
What do you mean, "No, thanks"? You would be a great professor, OK? You are knowledgeable, you're a good talker, and when you need to, you can grow a very handsome neck beard.
I'm not gonna be a professor.
Teaching is what you do when your career has totally bottomed out and you need to pay the bills.
Small business owner.
Backbone of the economy.
I'm not gonna take that job, all right? I'm gonna be just fine.
- New topic.
- Okay, new topic.
I just got a $200 speeding ticket today.
That sucks, dude.
You couldn't talk your way out of it? You can't.
I've done it.
It was what was it? It was 1998.
So where's the fire? There's no fire.
Actually, you know, there is a fire at this barbecue I'm headed to.
Nothing special.
Burgers, ribs brats.
Son, do you have any idea how dangerous it is to be - Did you say brats? - Yeah, brats.
My mom marinates them in Belgian beer for two days.
No big.
Funny thing was, I could've sworn that one of those thick, succulent, hickory-smoked brats had some writing on it.
Weird.
What were you saying? What did it say? The brat? It said "Property of Minnesota State Trooper "Jorgensen.
" You a brat man, Officer Jorgensen? You going to this address? Follow me and lean on the horn.
We're gonna be running some reds.
Well, duh.
I would've done that, too, if I'd have been going to a barbecue.
Damn, I was.
See, it's all about sizing up your opponent.
I could tell that the officer was a brat man because, well, he was out of breath just from walking to my car and he had mustard on his holster.
Manipulating an officer of the law with your sausage.
That is very hot.
You think I can't talk my way out of a ticket? You think I can't talk my way out of a ticket? I am Barney Stinson, master of manipulation.
If I can talk a stripper into paying me for a lap dance, I think I can talk my way out of a ticket.
Challenge accept wait for it.
I don't get it.
"Accep-Ted.
" I get it now.
- What now? - You want to be an architect? Great.
Guy I went to private school with wants a new house built.
- Job's yours if you want it.
- Tony, look, I don't need your help.
Here's what he's offering you.
That is a big, fat check.
Showtime.
- License and registration.
- Of course, Officer.
Right away.
Sir, this is a gift certificate for a custom-tailored Italian suit.
So, we done here? And he kept the gift certificates.
I'm gonna call Emilio and tell him to short-sheet him on the crotch.
You are bad at this, dude.
Whatever, Robin.
Like you've ever talked your way out of a ticket.
Are you kidding me? Robin's a pretty girl.
Pretty girls don't get tickets.
I bet she's been pulled over tons of times, never once gotten one.
That is outrageous! And factual.
License and re Honey.
Don't cry.
It's okay.
No ticket for you.
Go a little slower next time, okay? Thank you.
Excuse me.
I think I left something in New Jersey.
How did your lunch go with the rich guy? Well, it started off great.
I want to design a house that celebrates the landscape without overpowering it.
You know, when Frank Lloyd Wright designed Fallingwater in 1935 Yes, that's all fine.
I'm sure you'll do a great job.
What I'm really worried about is the basement.
- Specifically the laundry room.
- The laundry room? I require a laundry room of 15 feet by 15 feet, stain-proof ceramic tile from floor to ceiling.
I'm a man who likes to do his own laundry, and sometimes, it gets messy.
- Messy? - Messy.
Steel chains will dangle from the ceiling at a height of nine feet.
And that is where my laundry bags will hang for three days and three nights before I clean them.
Ted, it kind of sounds like what this guy is asking you to design - It's a murder house.
- It is.
It's totally a murder house.
You know, as a martial artist, I'm trained to trust my instincts, and my instincts are saying this feels very good.
The steak is so rare.
Right? One final concern: Soundproofing.
I tend to make a lot of racket when I launder.
I'll show you what I mean.
I'm gonna go to my laundry room, and you tell me if you can hear me.
Does something feel off about this guy? Off the hook! Bro, you are nailing this.
- You can't design a murder house! - I'm not gonna design a murder house.
- You can't design a murder house! - I'm not! Bring it.
Officer, please, my wife is about to have a baby! - Her water just broke! - Where's your wife? She took the other car.
This is Italian leather, so I Oh, come I'm sorry about that murder house thing.
That was my bad.
That's on me.
New plan.
You, my friend, are gonna build the Statue of Liberty a husband.
Now, I got some suction down at City Hall.
Stop it! I don't want your help, okay? You don't have to do this.
- Yes, I do.
- Why? Because when you were with Stella, I know how much I missed her.
I can only imagine you feel the same way.
Let me put your mind at ease.
I don't want Stella back, okay? She lied to me and left me at the altar.
What kind of person does that? I'm better off without her.
She's all yours, buddy.
There you go.
Load off my mind.
And that was it.
Tony left, and I began to put this whole business far behind me.
Or so I thought.
Tony broke up with me.
Tony broke up with you? He said it was because of something you said.
You got Tony to dump Stella? I am very sorry, but I'm going to have to insist that you bump this.
Let's talk out in the hall.
It'll be waiting.
So, why are you here? Look, Ted, this is about seven months too late, but here goes.
I've been in love with Tony since high school.
We dated for a long time, but then I got pregnant, and I guess for two 19-year-olds it was just too much to handle, so we broke up.
And for a long time I just focused on being a mother.
I forgot about Tony.
I forgot about the very idea of being in love.
And then you came along and reminded me.
And I loved you for that.
I loved you so much, in fact, that it was just shy of enough.
But I never stopped loving Tony.
Take him back, honey.
He's sorry.
No, that's not that's not what's happening.
Just go back inside, Mrs.
Matsen.
- It was good seeing you, Stella.
- Can you talk to Tony? What? He'd listen to you.
You changed his mind.
You could change it back.
I know it's an awful thing to ask Yeah, it's an awful thing to ask.
I don't know what else to do, okay? I love him.
You love him.
So what, you're-you're appealing to the romantic in me? Is that your strategy? Because that guy's gone.
You can't pull those strings anymore.
They're not attached to anything thanks to you.
Go ahead, honey, kiss him! - Go inside, Mrs.
Matsen! - Mrs.
Matsen, go inside! Okay, you can do this.
You can do this! Oh, you can do this.
- License and regis - License and registration.
Excuse me? I can only assume you need a license to have a face that beautiful.
And that body? I'm guessing something that explosive has to be registered with the proper authorities.
Get out of the car.
Why, am I under arrest? But you're about to be under me.
No.
False.
Did not happen.
That's a line from a porno.
I've seen that porno.
Hell, I've made that porno.
When will you realize that the only difference between my real life and a porno is my real life has better lighting? You're lying.
I am not lying! I swear on my mother.
I swear on Goliath National Bank.
I swear on my suits.
I am not lying.
He was lying.
Here's what really happened.
Go ahead, honey, kiss him.
- Go inside, Mrs.
Matsen! - Mrs.
Matsen, go inside! Is there anything I can do to make this better? It's me! It's Barney.
It's me! I need your help! I'm in big trouble! Slow down.
What happened? I'm guessing something that explosive hasto be registered with the proper authorities.
- Get out of the car.
- Why, am I under arrest? Yes, you are.
I ran your plates.
You've had 15 moving violations in the last three days.
Get out of the car.
But no, my wife's having a baby! - I have a sausage with your name on it! - Out of the car now! I need you to come to Brazzaville, New Jersey and bail me out.
I'm in the middle of something.
Hurry, Ted.
You have no idea of the kind of the hardened criminals they've got me in here with.
Are we gonna get our spray paint back? Save me, Ted! You want to do something for me? I need a ride to New Jersey.
You'll pay for tolls, right? I'm kidding.
So Stella and I drove all the way out to New Jersey, bailed your Uncle Barney out of jail and drove all the way home.
By the way, how's that girl you've been seeing? That super hot French chick with the big enormous boobs? Oh, you mean Claudette? She's fine.
Man, she's the hottest girl you have ever been with, Ted.
Ever! I'm so sorry again about everything.
- For what it's worth - I'll talk to Tony.
Really? I want you to be happy, Stella.
I'll talk to him.
And I did.
I don't remember what I said to him, but I guess I changed his mind because the next day, they flew to California.
Stella set up a new dermatology practice.
And against all odds, Tony found some success as a screenwriter.
His movie, The Wedding Bride, was a big hit.
But we'll get to that later.
But just tell me this.
Why Tony? I mean, is it the money, the kung fu pajamas? Like, what what is it? He's the one.
The one.
Yeah, I know it's kinda sappy, but, yeah.
I'm gonna say something out loud that I've been doing a pretty good job of not saying out loud lately.
What you and Tony have What I thought for a second you and I had What I know that Marshall and Lily have I want that.
I do.
I keep waiting for it to happen and waiting for it to happen, and I guess I'm just I'm tired of waiting.
And that is all I'm going to say on that subject.
I once talked my way out of a speeding ticket? Really? I was heading upstate to my parents' house doing, like, 90 on this country road, and I got pulled over.
So this cop gets out of his car.
He kind of swaggers on over and he's, like, "Young lady, I have been waiting for you all day.
" So I looked up at him and I said, "I'm so sorry, Officer.
I got here as fast as I could.
" For real? It's an old joke.
I know that you're tired of waiting, and you may have to wait a little while more, but she's on her way, Ted.
And she's getting here as fast as she can.
She tracked me down two days later using a phone book.
And that's the last time I wrote my name in my undergarments.
You're back! When you told me that peanut butter and jam joke, I was completely disgusted.
But I was in the shower this morning and it popped into my head and it actually made me laugh.
Peanut butter.
So I can see now how I may have overreacted.
Marshall's words, not mine.
It's good to see you again, Lily.
Thanks.
- So what have you been up to? - I'm going to an amnesia ward with a bunch of photos of my children and a wedding ring.
I'm gonna find the hottest patient/my wife, and we are going Okay, so that's good enough for tonight.
I gotta ease back into this.