How I Met Your Mother s05e01 Episode Script

Definitions

OLDER TED: Kids, on my first day as a college professor, there were two things I didn't know that I wish I did.
The first thing was that your mother was in that classroom.
The second thing? Well, to explain that, we have to go back to the beginning of the summer, when, after a year of wrestling with their feelings for each other, Barney and Robin finally, well Whoo! - Lily, volume.
Use your indoor "whoo.
" - Sorry.
(SOFTLY) Whoo.
It's just they kissed! They're finally a couple.
(GASPING) Oh, my God, you guys.
This is our first double date! First of millions! What if our kids get married? - Oh, I love this! - Yeah.
- Lily, listen.
- Barney's awesome.
Robin's more than just awe "some.
" She's awe "quite a bit.
" She's awe "a whole darn lot.
" Wait, what are you saying? (BARNEY MUTTERING) We're just not feeling it right now, but we'll totally still be friends.
Oh, yeah.
Is it something I did? Oh, no.
No, no, no.
God, no.
Lily, it's not you.
It's us.
Yeah.
It's us.
You understand, right? Sure, of course.
As long as you're happy, I'm happy.
(CRYING) We were gonna take cooking lessons together, and we were gonna go on camping trips together, and then we were gonna sit around telling funny stories about our cooking lessons and our camping trips.
I know.
I know.
So, has the boat sailed on sex tonight or OLDER TED: After that, the summer went by way too fast.
Until, all of a sudden, it was the Friday before my first day as a college professor.
Whoa! - Oh, boy.
- What's this? It's just a little something that we got for you that used to belong to my favorite professor of all time.
- A fedora.
- Mmm.
(GASPS) I'm Indiana Jones! I'm Indiana Jones! Yeah, I have a whip guy.
(IMITATES WHIP CRACKING) You know what we should do? We should Finish our drinks, go out in the alley and whip stuff.
God, you just get me.
(MARSHALL SIGHS) (LAUGHING) Okay, I should get going.
I got a date.
BARNEY: Oh, you're still seeing that guy? Even better, seeing him naked.
What! (BOTH EX CLAIM) I should go, too.
I hooked up with this Chinese girl last night, and I don't know, it's weird.
I already feel like seconds.
(BOTH EX CLAIM) Okay, Ted, you got first whip! All right.
Hey, dummy.
What did I tell you about smoking in here? Make him whip the habit! I'm so excited about this whip! I got whip fever! Just whip him, Ted! Don't even aim! Just whip him! - I'm so sorry.
- It's just the whip's not a toy, Ted.
There's such a thing as common sense, you know? - Hey, you can whip me if you want.
- I will, some other time.
(WHOOPS) So, how long has this been going on? - (SIGHING) All summer.
- I knew it! I knew it! I knew it! You guys are boyfriend and girlfriend.
- (STAMMERING) Hey.
Wait Girlfriend? - (STAMMERING) Wow - Lily, slow your roll there, lily pad.
Okay? - Yeah.
Yeah.
You've been together all summer.
I don't get it.
Okay, it's like this.
After we kissed, we sat down to have the talk.
- We should figure out what this is.
- Yes, we should.
- Yeah.
- Or Or - Okay, now, we have to figure this out.
- (BREATHING HEAVILY) Yes, we do.
Or Or We kept trying to have the talk and then we realized we hate the talk.
Yeah, the talk sucks.
You have to, like, talk, (ROBIN SCOFFS) And be all, " I don't know.
It's not that I don't like you.
"It's just that I haven't had a girlfriend in a really long time.
"I hope it doesn't make you mad.
" - (GROANS IN DISGUST) Who needs it? - You "needs" it.
Guys, you can't just keep hooking up and not at least try and figure out what you mean to each other.
Yeah, we knew you would say that.
That's why we kept it a secret.
Well, that and the fact that elaborate lies really turn us on.
No, no, no.
No.
You need to define the relationship.
You need to have the talk.
Or Or (BOTH MOANING) I know what you're all thinking.
"Who's this cool peer of mine up in front of the class?" Well, I know the board says "Professor Mosby," but to you, I'm Ted.
Question.
Awesome.
Hit it.
Yeah, here's my question, Ted, who the hell do you think you are? Yeah, "Ted.
" We're supposed to learn from you? You failed as an architect.
- Well - And if you're a professor, - where's your hat and your whip? - They're at home.
I And where are your pants? (STUDENTS LAUGHING) (EX CLAIMING) (PANTING) Oh, God.
Barney, it was awful.
I was teaching Shh! Ted, now's not a good time.
Where do you keep your condoms? I am freaking out.
I don't think I can do this.
Okay, look, mistake number one was taking that girl's question.
You don't take questions on the first day.
It shows weakness.
Mistake number two was you should've hit that.
Dude, your pants were already off, you had a classroom full of people to cheer you on and you can't knock her up 'cause it's a dream.
Class dismissed.
Mistake number three, dude, where was the hat? Because if you're not going to wear it, I'm taking it back.
I think what Barney's saying is that definitions are important.
- You're their teacher, not their friend.
- Exactly.
If people don't know their place, nobody's happy.
Amen.
- You have to make things clear.
- Run, tell that! - Define the relationship.
- Yes! No! Lily, private convo time.
- Lily, can't you just let us be happy? - You're not happy.
You just think you're happy because you feel happy.
- And that's not happy? - Of course not.
You and Robin need to have the talk.
- Why? Give me one good reason.
- I'll give you 20.
Wow, you can't even think of one.
Headlights.
Deer.
Lily, for the last time, things with me and Robin are as good as they can possibly be.
Hey, look, Brad's here.
I've got two tickets to the Rangers-Canucks game tomorrow night.
I know you're a hockey fan, so I was thinking (STAMMERING) What do I have to do? Put a gun to your head? - Buy you a six-pack? - Come on, Brad, that's Wow, there's really six of them.
- Uh, but I can't.
- Why not? You have a boyfriend? - No.
No, no boyfriend.
- BRAD: Great! It's a date.
- Hey, Barn.
- Hey I just thought of a reason.
OLDER TED: The next night, Robin and Brad went to a hockey game.
You're probably wondering why I've been quiet all night.
Um Damn it, Hordichuk! You miss another gimme like that, I'm gonna come down there and put a slapper right up your beerhole! Come on! Not really.
The truth is, I feel kind of weird being out with you.
Oh, man.
- Is this the talk? - What? No, this is good.
Let's get it all out of the way.
- Robin, I'm looking for something serious.
- No, Brad, no, it's But before we go any further, you should know something about my stuff below the belt.
- I was born a little different.
- God, no.
Brad, no.
- This is about me and Barney.
- You and - Oh! So, you guys are - Well, we don't know what we are.
I mean, my heart says, "Leap into it.
" My brain says, "It's a bad idea.
" Sounds like you guys need to have the talk.
We're not gonna have the talk! Would you just have the talk, okay? It's a five-minute conversation, and then you get to have sex afterwards.
It's great! Back me up, Ted.
- I don't think the talk is necessary.
- (HIGH-PITCHED) What? Thank you, Ted.
Because Robin is already his girlfriend.
(HIGH-PITCHED) What? MacLaren's Bar, four years ago.
How do you keep a girl from becoming your girlfriend? Simple, the rules for girls are the same as the rules for Gremlins.
- Gremlins? - Gremlins.
Rule number one, never get them wet.
In other words, don't let her take a shower at your place.
Number two, keep them away from sunlight, i.
e.
Don't ever see them during the day.
And rule number three, never feed them after midnight, meaning she doesn't sleep over and you don't have breakfast with her.
Ever.
What about brunch? Is brunch cool? No, Ted, brunch is not cool.
Okay, new topic.
How do I pick a tie? Simple.
Remember in the movie, Predator I've done all three of those things with Robin.
Is she my girlfriend? Just once, I wish you guys would call me on Tuxedo Night.
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, time to pucker up for the New York Rangers Kiss Cam! - CROWD: Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! - Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Okay, how about this? If you kiss me and you feel bad about it, you're meant to be with Barney.
(SIGHS) Why not? Lay it on me.
Hey, Brad.
Brad, we can't fight like this all night! We both got some good shots in.
Let's call a truce! It's okay, dude.
I shouldn't go kissing some other guy's girlfriend.
BARNEY: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Girlfriend? Hey, come on.
- That's putting it a bit strongly.
Okay.
- A bit strongly.
She's not my girlfriend.
Yeah.
A girlfriend's a bit much, Brad, okay? We Okay, seriously.
We're at the point of physical violence.
Now, will you please have the talk? Because of that? Come on.
That's my thing.
I'm always punching guys, girls.
I'll punch a baby.
I don't care.
OLDER TED: Finally, my first class had arrived.
For real this time.
I knew I had to make a strong impression.
I had thought of everything.
Except TED: Wait.
Does professor have one "F" or two? Oh, my God.
Oh, my God! Professor.
Professor.
They're all staring at me.
Professor.
I don't know.
Just do something! Two "F's".
That looks right.
I think that's right.
- Hey, sorry I went a little too far last night.
- Look, we've been over this.
Unless I say "flügelhorn," you haven't gone too far.
No, I meant punching Brad.
Right.
Look, don't even worry about it.
It's Oh! God.
The doorknob's broken off.
We're locked in here.
Did you do this? - No.
- Flügelhorn.
Did you do this? No.
Ted.
- Ted, are you out there? - Ted's not here, Robin.
- Lily, let us out of here.
- I'd be glad to.
Just as soon as you and Barney have the talk.
Lily! Come on.
Let us out! No.
Sit down, define the relationship, write down that definition on a piece of paper, slip it under the door and if I like what I read, you can go.
We are not having the talk! Then you'll die in there.
You're gonna lock us in here? Well, guess what? Maybe we'll spend the whole day having sex! Well, guess what? I brought Marshall with me, so maybe we'll do the same.
Hey, guys.
OLDER TED: I still hadn't decided what kind of professor I wanted to be.
Authoritative or cool guy.
I thought I would decide in the moment.
And I did, about 20 times.
Good morning.
S'up, dudes? Silence! This is Architecture 101.
I am Professor Mosby, but you can call me Ted.
Professor Mosby.
T-Dawg.
Do not call me T-Dawg.
Never take questions on the first day.
It shows weakness.
Also, don't look right here.
(CHUCKLING) Okay, good luck.
Byesies.
OLDER TED: This was it, my crossroads moment.
What kind of professor was I gonna be? I had to decide.
Please save all your questions until the end of the lecture.
Thank you! Now OLDER TED: Professor Mosby had arrived.
Of course, if I had taken that girl's question, who, by the way, was not your mom.
Your mom was sitting Wait, let me finish this real quick.
Here's what that girl would have said.
I'm sorry to bother you, Professor Mosby, but this isn't Architecture 101.
This is Economics 305.
You're in the wrong classroom.
OLDER TED: Yes, I was in the wrong classroom.
And thus began the most humiliating seven minutes of my life.
Here's your think-about-it for the day.
Every single person in this room is already an architect.
Architect? (SIGHS) "We're just hanging out.
" Just hanging out? - Not good enough.
- Not good enough! Can anyone here tell me what this class is really all about? Economics? (STUDENTS LAUGHING) Now, now Don't laugh.
He's not He's not entirely wrong.
An architect must be economical in his use of space, so Well done.
Looks like someone's building towards an A.
Huh? "We're seeing where things are going.
" (LAUGHING) I'll tell you where things aren't going.
Out of that bedroom.
- Not good enough.
- Not good enough! You.
Why do you want to be an architect? I don't want to be an architect.
Yes.
Yes, exactly.
It's not something you want to be.
It's something you need to be.
You don't have a choice, right? None of you has a choice.
No questions! "We're Barnman and Robin.
" Come on, you got to admit, that's kind of funny, Lily.
- Not good enough.
- Not good enough! So if any of you have even the slightest inclination to do anything with your life other than become an architect, you're wasting my time and yours.
There's the door.
You can go.
I'm serious.
Get out, now.
Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Wait! Wait, wait, wait! Don't all leave! Architecture's fun! Look! I brought a Hacky Sack! CALZONETTl: Sorry I'm late, everyone.
My name is Professor Calzonetti.
This is Economics 305.
You may return to your seats.
(TED LAUGHS AWKWARDLY) Sorry, sir.
This is Architecture 101.
Who invited their dad, right? Young man, for the last 28 years, Economics 305 has been taught right here in Building 14, Room 7.
Yeah, buddy, I'm sure 200 architecture students and their professor all got the room wrong.
T-Dawg, you're in the wrong room, bro.
TED: College kids, out of my way! Sorry.
Coming through.
(GRUNTING) Excuse me.
Coming through.
Twenty minutes late on your first day? - That's rough.
- Yeah, but here's the funny thing.
By that point, I didn't have time to think about what kind of teacher I was going to be.
I just got up there and talked about architecture.
- And it was kind of great.
- That's awesome, Ted.
- Congratulations, buddy.
- Thanks.
ROBIN: Nice job, Ted.
BARNEY: Hey, Ted, Door 5! (BANGING ON DOOR) - BARNEY: Were you there? - I got you, buddy.
They still haven't had the talk, huh? I think I know how to speed things up.
(ROBIN SIGHS) (BARNEY SNIFFING) Oh! Not cool! Pancakes, fresh bacon.
It is so yummy.
(EX CLAIMS) Dude, I'm starving.
Let's Let's just have the stupid talk.
- Come on.
- (SIGHING) Fine.
But how do these things even work? What do we say? (LILY CLEARING THROAT) "Where do you see this relationship going?" Oh, my God, that sounds so cheesy.
- (LAUGHING) I know, right? - (LAUGHING) Totally.
But Where do you see this relationship going? I don't know.
I mean, it's not like I don't like you.
I just haven't had a girlfriend for a long time.
- I hope that doesn't make you mad.
- Mad? I feel the same way.
I suck at relationships.
I mean, except with Ted.
Man.
He really got it right.
I know it's a cliché, but he really ruined me for other men.
OLDER TED: Of course, I wasn't in the room for this conversation, but I have to imagine Robin said something like that.
Maybe we should go back to being just friends.
Maybe.
But - I don't want to stop having sex.
- Oh, good.
Me, neither.
- Yeah, friends isn't gonna work.
- Nope.
We're not good at being friends.
We're not good at being in a relationship.
What are we good at? - I know something we're good at.
- I don't know.
If we're gonna do it again, I'm gonna need some Gatorade No.
No, not that.
Lying.
Think about it.
We spent the whole summer lying about being just friends.
Why not just keep lying? - Really? - Yeah.
Really.
We sat down.
We had the talk.
- Barney's my boyfriend now.
- And Robin's my girlfriend.
I know it sounds nuts, but it feels good to say.
We're both afraid of commitment, but the fact is, we also can't live without each other.
And if the alternative is not being together, then it's worth taking this risk 'cause she's awesome.
And he's awesome.
- He looks nice in a suit.
- She can handle her scotch.
- He's my boyfriend.
- And she's my girlfriend.
(DOOR KNOB RATTLING) Good enough! (BARNEY AND ROBIN LAUGHING) - She bought it.
- Hook, line and sinker.
- We are good.
- Totally.
So, you want to get some breakfast? You know, brunch actually does sound kind of good.
Hmm.
Well, lead the way, sweetie pie.
- Whoa! Flügelhorn.
- Yeah, that felt wrong.
(BARNEY CHUCKLING) You do realize they were lying, right? No, Ted.
They don't realize they weren't lying.
(BOTH CHATTERING) Oh! Hello.
Hello.
Good evening.
Hello.
Don't get up.
Didn't we meet on a yacht? Hello.
What? Oh, no.
Did I not tell you guys that it was Tuxedo Night? Doesn't feel very good, does it?