How I Met Your Mother s05e03 Episode Script

Robin 101

OLDER TED: Kids, your uncle Barney had been called a lot of names over the years.
Jerk! Bastard! Barack Obama, Jr? Mmm-hmm.
And, yes.
We can.
But there's one name none of us ever expected to hear him called.
Barney Stinson is my boyfriend.
I've said it, like, 100 times.
It still sounds weird to say.
Well, anything sounds weird if you say it 100 times.
- But other than that, things are good? - Bowl.
- Bowl.
- I don't know.
- I think Barney's been single for too long.
- Bowl.
Like, the other night, I wake up at 4:00 a.
M (CLATTERING) (GASPS) Barney, are you awake? Barney? Barney.
This is not a one-night stand.
We're dating.
Come back to bed.
- Bowl.
- That's happened three times.
And it's not just that, it's other things.
What's wrong? It was just one thing after another at work today, and then I found out my aunt's in the hospital.
I'm just I'm feeling so overwhelmed and it's just (SHUSHING) What you need to do is talk through this stuff.
And then, once you're off the phone with Lily, I'll be down in the bar ready to have sex.
Okay? Bowl.
Look, I'm not the touchy-feeliest person in the world, but, a little more effort would be nice.
- Bowl.
- I understand.
I guess, in a lot of ways, Barney doesn't stack up.
- Bowl.
- I mean, you've had some pretty incredible boyfriends.
- No, that's not it.
I don't know.
- Bowl.
- Maybe he just doesn't have it in him.
- Bowl.
- Maybe this whole thing's a big mistake.
- Bowl.
Bowl? - She really said that? - And she meant it.
Trust me.
I dated Robin for a year.
If you don't want to lose her, you gotta try a little harder.
Be more attentive to where she is emotionally.
You know, just be present.
Yes, totally.
Only thing, and this is just me, I like my testicles attached to my body, rather than rolling around next to some eyeliner in Robin's purse.
Stinson out! OLDER TED: But then, a funny thing happened.
Over the next couple of weeks, Barney was thoughtful, considerate, sweet.
In short, the perfect boyfriend, which, to Robin, meant only one thing.
- He's cheating on me.
- What? Why else would he buy me flowers? He's getting some on the side.
Come on, Robin.
Barney's not the type of guy who would Go on.
Plus, he keeps saying he's working late.
But when I call his office, they say he left hours ago.
Well, that doesn't prove anything.
Good word.
I'm glad you brought that up.
Barney's briefcase.
He forgot it here this morning.
And what do you plan on doing with it? We.
We, you and I, are going to open it up and look for evidence.
Ted probably has a sledgehammer around here somewhere.
No! Stop! Stop! Eye contact.
Listen to me.
Robin Scherbatsky is many things.
Friend, confidant, occasional guest star in some confusing dreams that remind me a woman's sexuality is a moving target.
But she is no crazy, jealous stalker-bitch.
Let go.
Hey, I've been down in the basement storage area going through all the stuff that Lily and I left behind when we moved out.
I'm sorry, Robin.
We should've cleared it out for you much sooner.
There's a basement storage area? You're not upset.
Baby, guess what I found.
- That's great, honey.
- What the hell is that? Marshall got it in college.
He used it as a nightstand for years.
Until we found out that Lily was allergic to barrel resin.
- Barrel resin? - Just go with it.
So, you need a hand throwing it out? No, I'm not I'm not just going to throw her out, okay? Mabel's like family.
So, what are you going to do with Mabel? I want to give her away to a lucky new owner.
- Do you know anyone? - Yeah, let me think.
Do I know any rodeo clowns? That's weird, I do.
But even Lenny wouldn't go near that mess.
Well, he's not going to have the chance because I am putting old Mabel in the Bermuda Triangle.
OLDER TED: "The Bermuda Triangle" was the name we'd given years earlier to the curb right in front of our building.
Whenever we wanted to give something away, we'd put it right there.
It was uncanny.
This is so exciting.
Right now, there's someone out there who has no idea that tonight they're going home with just Just the best barrel.
Well, let's just hope they're not allergic to barrel resin like Lily here.
Be cool, baby.
- See you, sweetie.
Good luck.
- Bye, babe.
- Now, can we please get out of here? - Yeah.
I'll grab my coat.
A college notebook? Oh, my God, he's cheating on me with some college girl.
I knew there was a skank, but I thought she'd at least be dumb.
"Birthday, July 23.
"Favorite hockey team, the Vancouver Canucks.
"Age 29, but tells people that she's 26.
" Oh, my God, these are notes about me, or some 29-year-old version of me.
(DOOR OPENS) I hope I'm not too late! I want to see the look of joy on the new owner's face! She's still there! Okay, Mabel, let's find you a new home.
Here comes a guy! And he He just walked, walked right on by it.
He's probably rushing home to get a handcart or something.
Yeah! Hey, better hurry up, pal.
(LAUGHS) What are you guys doing with Barney's secret Robin notebook? Let me rephrase that.
Did you two ladies lose some weight? What do you know about this, Marshall? Why would Barney have a notebook full of information about me? Well OLDER TED: The truth was Barney was taking a night school class taught by me.
Welcome to Robin 101.
Why is Ted teaching a class about me? It all started a few weeks ago.
rather than rolling around next to some eyeliner in Robin's purse.
Stinson out! Stinson back in.
Say, hypothetically, I did want to change who I am to become a better boyfriend to Robin, which I do not, what kind of changes are we talking about? Why There's just so much you need to know about her.
Okay, for starters, don't ever cry in front of her.
- Okay.
- And whatever you do, don't cry in front of her four times.
Hey, guys.
What you talking about? - Fantasy football.
- Fantasy football.
They realized they couldn't talk about this stuff at the bar, and since you live with Ted, they had to find someplace safe.
So, Ted's classroom.
"How To Date Robin Scherbatsky.
" Lesson one.
Now, even though she puts up a tough exterior, - what Robin really wants, deep down - I'm bored.
You said you wanted my help.
Can we draw boobs on the chalkboard? - We did that already.
- No, like, really big boobs.
Look, I need this, too.
I've only been a professor a few weeks.
Being up here, it's It's good practice for me.
Can we have class outside? No.
What Robin really wants, deep down is (CELL PHONE DINGS) - Barney.
- What? I'm tweeting about you.
You should be flattered.
How do you spell "blah-blah-blah"? "H's" or no? Wow, you were just, like, the worst student in the world, weren't you? They said I had A-D Something.
Can we have class outside? Barney, I'm only gonna say this once, so listen up.
I love you and I love Robin.
And I want to make this work.
So, if you give me a few weeks of attention, I could give you a lifetime of happiness.
Can you do that for me? Do you think I should get Sports Illustrated for 70% off the cover price? Can we have class outside? I gotta find a way to reach this kid.
"Class number two.
" "Top 10 Robin Scherbatsky Facial Expressions and Their Meaning.
" Now, notice the vacant eyes, the pale, queasy expression, suggesting nausea.
- What do these mean? - You guys just had sex? (EX CLAIMING) Wasn't me.
Dude! I worked really hard on these slides, okay? - Can we just - Okay.
This look is hunger.
If you ever see Robin looking like this, get some food in her quick, or one of two things will happen.
Weird, out-of-context laughter.
Or two.
Spontaneously falling asleep in strange places.
But the most important facial expression of all? That's a building.
That's for my class.
The Flatiron Building.
Fun story about it.
It was designed by Chicago's Daniel Burnham in the Beaux-Arts style.
This architectural gem - Dude! - Right.
The most important facial expression of all.
Flared nostril ridges.
Wide, unblinking eyes.
If you ever, ever see this face, Barney, run.
And don't take a picture of it.
She will punch you.
And you will cry for the third time that night.
Which brings us to an important point.
Defusing the bomb.
"Defusing the bomb"? What does that even mean? "Three Topics to Distract Robin From Being Mad at You.
" Distract me? That is so condescending.
These guys are really starting to piss me off! "Lmmediately switch the conversation to one of the following, "unless you want Robin to start throwing her shoes.
" (READING) What? That's not distracting.
That's just talking about the story of a scrappy little underdog team that prevailed despite very shaky goaltending and, frankly, the declining skills of Trevor Linden.
(READING) You have to clean your gun.
My uncle had a filthy, old shotgun, blew both his thumbs off trying to shoot a beaver.
You You want to distract someone, make them watch my uncle try to eat corn on the cob.
(READING) Did you know that before intercourse, the male and female emperor penguins bow to each other? "Mr.
" "Mrs.
" Oh, God, silly penguins, acting all fancy.
(LAUGHING) What were we talking about? Uh-oh, looks like we got a taker.
Come on, dude.
You know you want to.
A guy like you, beard, no mustache.
You're exactly the kind of guy who could use a sweet barrel.
Do it.
That's not a fire hydrant! For shame, sir.
For shame! I bet you couldn't even grow a mustache if you wanted to! Neither can you, sweetie.
Well, he doesn't know that, baby! God! Ted's only teaching Barney horrible things about me.
I don't know.
Check this out.
This is actually kind of sweet.
Now, we all know Robin's not what you'd call "touchy-feely.
" She doesn't say, "I love you," like a normal person.
Instead, she'll laugh, shake her head, give you a little smile and say, "You're an idiot.
" - "You're an idiot"? - Yup.
If she tells you you're an idiot, you are a lucky man.
And if she does say, "I love you," she's already broken up with you in her mind.
I think it's nice that Ted knows you that well.
Yeah, well, too bad it's next to a page entitled "Robin Scherbatsky's Surprising Erogenous Zones.
" Right knee.
Left knee.
Does lefty like that? (MOANING) Oh, yeah.
Lefty like that.
I can't believe I'm taking sexual advice from Ted Mosby.
That's like taking fashion advice from Well, Ted Mosby.
Here's a good one.
"Top Five Things Never to Do Around Robin.
" (SCOFFS) Three.
Never, ever play the "Guess Who" game with her.
What do you mean? Guess who? (YELLING) (GROANING) It's me! It's me! It's me! Number four.
Unless you want to see it never show Robin a YouTube clip of an animal playing a musical instrument.
Barney! Do you have a problem with this class? Yeah, it's boring as hell and I'm not learning anything.
Well, maybe the problem is your attitude.
You're not listening to a word I say.
Can you hear this, Professor? Or should I turn it up for you? OLDER TED: It may not have been a thumbs-up, kids.
So, you think you're not learning anything, huh? - Okay.
Pop quiz.
- What When Robin's PMS-ing, what kind of chocolate should you get her? - Trick question.
Get her butterscotch.
- Correct! Why? Butterscotch is to Canadian women what chocolate is to American women.
Correct! What is Robin's dream job? To become the most successful female TV journalist of all time.
Correct! And if she achieves that, will she truly be happy? No! Robin's deep-seated need for attention can be traced back to her father's emotional distance, and no amount of success will ever make up for what she truly needs, which is six simple words from her dad, - "Robin, I'm proud of you, eh?" - Yes! (BOTH PANTING) But I guess you're right.
You haven't learned anything.
Sorry to have wasted your time.
"O Captain! My Captain!" - How good was Dead Poets Society? - I know, right? The end? Tears.
Okay, can I just say that my deepest need in life is not to have my father say, "I am proud of you, eh?" - Then why are you crying right now? - I'm not crying.
Can I get you some butterscotch? No, stop it.
(BOTH SIGHING) Wait a second.
It says here that the class meets at 6:15 on Tuesday.
- So? - That's right now.
Now, as you can see, well over 50% of the blankets have been dragged onto her side.
Make no mistake.
Robin Scherbatsky is a classic, textbook cover hog.
(BLEEPING) - Any questions? - ROBIN: Yeah, I have one.
Yes, Robin? (BOTH EX CLAIMING) Flared nostril ridges.
Wide, unblinking eyes.
I got this.
So, emperor penguins.
Crazy, huh? What the hell do you two think you're doing? Marshall, did you sell us out? I was vulnerable, okay.
I said goodbye to a very dear friend today.
Dude, it's a barrel! Aw.
You're giving Mabel away? Okay, I have I have so many questions.
Why would you do this? What were you thinking? Who the hell is that guy? That's Shin-Ya.
He's sort of been auditing the class.
Auditing? Well, I tried to explain to him it wasn't a real class, but I don't think he speaks much English.
On the bright side, he came in handy standing in for you during the role-playing exercises.
You did role-playing exercises where I was played by Shin-Ya? (SPEAKING JAPANESE) You know, I can't believe you, Ted.
You actually think you're some kind of an expert on me? Hey! He is an expert.
He's a great teacher! - (CLEARING THROAT) Kiss ass.
- You know, half the stuff in this notebook is patently wrong.
Really? Name one wrong thing.
"Robin Scherbatsky's Surprising Erogenous Zones.
" Let me clear something up for you, Ted.
Does lefty like that? - Oh, yeah.
- All right.
- Don't want to leave out righty.
- Oh, no.
The right one's ticklish, I guess.
But the left one, yeah, I'm glad you're back there.
Because that is just some sweet, sweet loving.
- That was a lie? - We had just started dating.
I was being nice.
You know, I got it into my head this week that you were cheating on me.
I even broke open your briefcase to look for evidence.
That is a huge violation of my privacy! Go on.
You know, in a way, I was right.
You cheated.
You can't get some crib sheet on dating me.
That's not how it works.
If we can't figure out how to be with each other in a real, honest way, I don't see the point of even trying.
(SPEAKING JAPANESE) - What do you want? - Look.
All that stuff I told Barney, it was personal between you and me.
I'm really sorry.
I guess I'm impressed by how much you remembered.
It's funny.
When you date someone, it's like you're taking one long course in who that person is and then when you break up, all that stuff becomes useless.
It's the emotional equivalent of an English degree.
I guess I just liked the idea of putting all my Robin Scherbatsky knowledge to good use, you know? Well, since you know me pretty well, am I fooling myself with this whole Barney thing? I don't know.
I will say this, though.
I've seen Barney work very hard to get women.
I've seen him work very hard to get rid of women.
I've never seen him work this hard to keep one around.
I was going to give him an A.
Well, B+.
Shin-Ya kind of screwed up the curve.
Before you say anything, I am done with this stupid Robin 101, okay? Here, I'll get rid of the notebook.
But there's There's something that I did want to say to you.
Robin, I have been with a lot of women.
Blondes, brunettes, redheads.
Big boobs, small boobs, medium boobs, some boobs that were big, but kind of in a bad way.
The point is Boobs that pointed in opposite The point is I'm really scared that you're going to dump me and that's why I did this and I'm sorry.
You're an idiot.
- You know - Hmm? That notebook does contain a lot of personal info, - and I think it has my home address.
- And your work address.
MARSHALL: Hey, guys! If you don't want the barrel, can you sit somewhere else? 'Cause you're scaring away potential takers.
Designed by Chicago's Daniel Burnham in the Beaux-Arts style, this architectural gem was the first of its kind - Professor Mosby? - Yes, Susan? That's a woman drinking beer on the toilet.
That That was Daniel Burnham's wife.
She was a troubled, troubled woman.
We are moving on.