How I Met Your Mother s05e10 Episode Script

The Window

- (SIGHS) Well, got another one.
- Oh, boy.
What's in the box? (EX CLAIMING) What's in the box? What's in the box? What's in the box? Right? (LAUGHS) Brad Pitt? Se7 en? Nothing? Yeah, I'm the jerk.
What's in the box? Well, ever since Marshall and Lily got their own place, his mom keeps sending them boxes of his old stuff she's trying to get rid of.
(LAUGHS) Thanks, Mom.
You really nailed it this time.
I really needed He-Man's right arm, and this old book of mad libs.
(MARSHALL CHUCKLES) - "Fart went to the fart to fart fartly.
" - (BOTH LAUGHING) That's nice.
(LAUGHS) That's good stuff.
- That's good.
- Thanks, Mom.
(CELL PHONE RINGING) - Hello.
- Hello? Ted Mosby? Yeah.
The window is open.
The what? The window is open.
The window is open.
What are you waiting for? Run, Ted, run! Lily, the window is open.
Make a hole, people.
Run, Ted, run! Sorry.
(TED PANTING) - Ted? - Hey.
- (CHUCKLING) Hey.
- Maggie.
I was just, you know - How are you? - I'm fine, I guess.
Actually, no, I'm not fine.
I just broke up with my boyfriend.
(EX CLAIMING) - I'm so sorry to hear that.
- No, it's - Do you want to hang out tonight? - Sure.
- It was so fun.
You guys liked it.
- It was the most - Please tell me you got in the window.
- I got in the window.
(ALL CHEERING) What is going on? What is the window? You know how everyone has that guy or girl who, no matter what happens, you always remember them being the perfect one for you? - Mike Scharz.
- Lily.
That girl right over there.
Well, that girl for me was and still is Maggie Wilks.
We all went to college together.
She was awesome.
Everybody loved her.
I think I know what we're dealing with here.
Tell me when to stop.
It wasn't that Maggie was hot.
She was She was the ultimate girl next door.
She was the ultimate girl next door.
Still is.
I mean, every guy who meets Maggie falls madly in love with her.
And that's the problem.
Since I've known her, she's only been single for, like, three brief windows of opportunity.
TED: When she moved here and broke up with her college boyfriend, I waited a month.
You know, so I wouldn't be the rebound guy.
Well, the rebound guy lasted two years.
This is Dave.
TED: After they broke up, I only waited a week.
I was still too late.
She dated that guy for three years.
The next time, I wasn't messing around.
I was at her door not one hour after they broke up.
The only thing she did between becoming single and the moment I got there, was go downstairs and check her mail.
I was still too late.
And she dated that guy for four years.
I wasn't going to let this happen again, so I begged her neighbor, Mrs.
Douglas, to call me the second she and David broke up.
And now, a very single and available Maggie Wilks is on her way to this very spot.
I sent a cab with a female driver so she'd have no other interaction with a man until she got to me.
Where she will still have no interaction with a man.
What up? I feel good tonight.
Tonight's going to be good.
Oh, hell, yeah! It's my overalls.
I wore these babies all throughout high school.
These were my jam.
God, you really were a virgin before you met Lily, weren't you? (LILY CHUCKLING) - Well, that's unnecessary.
- Oh, she's right, baby.
If you had worn these things in college, even I wouldn't have slept with you.
And, if you recall, I was good to go.
(BARNEY LAUGHS) No one, I mean, no one could get laid wearing these.
(BARNEY LAUGHING) Challenge accepted.
I, Barney Stinson, being of sound mind and amazing body, will wear these overalls until I have sex with a woman.
- I actually dated that guy.
- Yeah.
- (LILY SIGHS) - Okay.
Quick game plan.
Maggie shows up, couple minutes of hugs and "Hi" s and then everybody's out of here.
This is my one shot.
I am not gonna screw this up.
Who'd you get to cover your class tonight? - Crap! - Oh, my God! - Hey.
- (LAUGHS) Hey.
Oh, my goodness.
- Hey, stranger.
- Hey.
- Maggie, this is my roommate, Robin.
- Hey.
- (GIGGLING) Hey.
Nice to meet you.
- (GIGGLING) Nice to meet you, too.
Um, I totally forgot I have to teach a class tonight.
Hey! Wanna come with me and check out a real live architecture class? (EX CLAIMS) Not even a little bit.
You know, I'll just hang here with Marshall and Lily.
- It'll be fun.
- Fantastic.
- Okay.
- Well, have a seat.
Relax.
Yeah, this is casual.
This is all very, very, very casual.
Listen to me.
You want me to find the perfect girl so we can all grow old together? That is her.
Do not let any guy near her, okay? That means no waiter takes her order, no busboy clears her table.
If she bursts into flames, I want a fire woman putting her out.
I don't think 911 takes requests.
Damn it, Marshall! Whatever you have to do, keep Maggie Wilks single until I get back.
I left my tab open.
Don't abuse it.
- Target secure? - Target secure.
- Oh, my gosh.
How weird.
- (MAGGIE LAUGHS) We all walked out of the bathroom at the same time.
Well, let's all walk back to the booth together.
(WOMEN CHUCKLING) (CLEARS THROAT) Oh, my.
Look at this, the table where we are sitting.
Back off! Okay, um, not that I care about this challenge, but it's cheating to wear overalls over a suit.
No, it's not.
They're not called "over-T-shirts," Robin.
They're not called " over shirtless fat guys who used to come fix my mom's car "and then hang out with her upstairs for a little while.
" No.
They're called overalls, okay? And I can wear them over whatever I want.
(CLICKS TONGUE) Hey.
Oh, he's not saying hello, he's just telling you what he feeds his horsies.
(ROBIN GIGGLES) Oh, man, I can sit here and make you-look-like-a-farmer jokes all night.
(CHUCKLES) Challenge accepted.
Good evening.
Tonight, we're gonna have a nice, quick class on bridges.
There are six types of bridges.
Beam, cantilever, arch, suspension, and two others.
You got land on both sides, water in the middle.
See you all next week.
Hey, we get you for the whole hour.
Oh, come on.
I mean, who really wants to sit here and listen to me yap about bridges for an hour? Really? (LILY EX CLAIMS) I just thought about how awesome Ted is again.
(LILY AND TED LAUGHING) This is a weird drinking game.
Can I buy you a drink? (IN SOUTHERN ACCENT) He's got a big brown jug with three X's on it.
What have I done? One very important thing to keep in mind when designing a bridge Maggie? Oh, no.
I mean, yes.
Yes, when you are designing a bridge, always remember, "Make adjustments, "go get it energized.
" That's good advice for life, too.
So, Professor Mosby, is this Maggie someone special? No.
I She's just this girl I've been into for a really long time, and, well, tonight could be the one chance I have to go out with her, so - Is she a hottie? - Yes, Jamie.
She's very attractive.
And if we can just end class right now - Betty? - Maggie may finally be available, but what about you, Professor Mosby? Are you ready for a serious relationship? Totally.
I mean, I think so.
Maybe.
I don't know.
What do you guys think? - Oh, my gosh.
I totally forgot about this.
- What is it? It's a homework assignment from when I was 15.
Write a letter to your 30-year-old self with a list of goals you hope to achieve.
(MAGGIE LAUGHING) Um "Dear future me.
" - (INFORMER PLAYING) - First off, you'd better be driving either a kick-ass Camaro or The A-Team van.
That's priority número uno.
And by now your rat tail should hang down to your freaking knees.
You can still slam dunk, obviously, and you've legally changed your name to "Vanilla Thunder.
" Your wife, let me break it down, blonde, six-feet tall, has an awesome rack and caters to your every need.
- Sorry, babe.
- That's okay.
- You just described your mother.
- Ew! - Keep going.
- "You're still rocking" You're still rocking the stone-washed overalls, because this look is working.
Oh, and most importantly, you'd better be saving the world.
If you became some lame corporate sellout, just throw yourself off a cliff, because you suck.
And I licky boom-boom down.
(INFORMER CONTINUES PLAYING) (WOMEN LAUGHING) Yeah, hilarious.
- I became a lame corporate sellout.
- (LILY SIGHS) I work for GNB, the most evil bank in the history of the world.
Oh, come on, Vanilla Thunder, everyone's got to grow up and get a real job.
Yeah, I remember back in college Maggie wanted to be a marine biologist by day and mentor inner-city kids by night.
What did you really end up doing? Those things.
Baby, where are you going? I just gotta I gotta do something at work.
It won't take long.
What's up with Marshall? Oh, no.
I think he's going to quit his job.
I'm sorry, Maggie.
I gotta go stop him.
(INAUDIBLE) Ted, I had to leave the bar, but it's okay.
I left Maggie with Robin.
You left Maggie with Robin? Relax.
I've got things under control.
You don't understand the situation.
This girl is like a super-powered man magnet.
Oh, Teddy.
I know a little something about man magnets.
You see, your friend may be one of those magnets that can hold up a picture of your kids on the fridge, but I'm one of those magnets that can pick up cars in a junkyard.
- Who's this? - Robin, this is Jim, a good friend of mine from work.
Oh, well, hello there.
(GIGGLES) - Nice to meet you.
- Oh, boy.
What does being "ready" even mean? I mean, I thought I was "ready" last year.
I wound up getting left at the altar.
I'll be honest, guys.
I'm a little scared.
Okay, Louis, then Betty.
We're all scared, Professor Mosby.
Doesn't being scared let you know you're on to something important? Yeah.
I mean, if you're not scared, you're not taking a chance.
And if you're not taking a chance, then what the hell are you doing? Right? I think you're ready, bro.
(STUDENTS AGREEING) (ALL LAUGHING) - Jim, you are so funny.
- Funny? I think he's hilarious.
In fact, I laughed so hard, I think I may have just peed my pants.
I'd better take off.
I'm going to the opening of that photography exhibit that they were talking about at work, - Les Chiens Erotiques.
- (MAGGIE EX CLAIMS) - I have an extra ticket if you want to - Me? I'd love to! All right, I gotta go.
One last piece of advice.
Make adjustments STUDENTS: Go get it energized! (CELL PHONE RINGING) Hello? Ted, change of plans.
You left her with Barney? Ted, will you take it easy? I'm your bro.
You're an animal.
And even though our bro-lationship has suffered its setbacks in this area, I assure you I will be the perfect gentleman.
Oh.
Thanks.
By the way, I really like those overalls.
You have 10 minutes to get down here or the window's closing.
- 10 minutes? - Yeah.
Because we're bros.
OLDER TED: While I was racing through the streets of New York, trying to get back to the bar, your Aunt Robin was doing her best to keep Jim away from Maggie.
(PEOPLE CHATTERING) Do you want to go back to the bar and see if Maggie's still there? (EX CLAIMS) No way! I love erotic dog photography.
Did you see the one over there of the corgis doing it people style? (ROBIN LAUGHING) I'll get us a taxi.
I just feel bad leaving Maggie all alone.
No! Let's have a glass of wine first.
(ROBIN SIGHING) (ROBIN EX CLAIMS) Oh, man.
(ROBIN EX CLAIMING) Look how filthy I am.
I am just a filthy, filthy girl who would totally go to second base with a guy as a favor to a friend.
(ROBIN MOANING) You like that? (ROBIN MOANING) I'm going to call Maggie, see what she's doing.
Oh, God! Maggie, Maggie, Maggie.
Give it a rest, jeez! She's hanging out with Ted tonight.
- Ted? What about David? - They broke up.
Maggie's single? That doesn't sound familiar.
Uh Can I help wipe that off? Please? I hate Barney Stinson! WOMAN: Me, too! OLDER TED: Lily finally got to GNB, but the place was deserted.
Hey, baby.
I thought you came here to quit your job.
I forgot about the hoop.
Yeah.
I thought if I could just do one thing in that letter, I wouldn't feel like such an old sellout, so I came out here to dunk.
Did it make you feel better? I barely grazed the bottom of the net, and now my legs hurt so bad, I can't even fall down.
(LAUGHING) Wow! How could you? Ted, I challenged myself to get laid wearing overalls.
And if you stand in my way, then you're letting Barney win.
And you don't want that.
That smug son of a bitch will never let us hear the end of it.
Oh, thank God.
Maggie Where do you think you're going? - To tell that girl I love her.
- Get in line, bub.
Yeah.
I'm going to have sex with her, then he's going to tell her he's in love with her, and then you can do whatever you want.
Do we agree on the order? Mister! You just missed out on the night of your life.
(PANTING) The night of your life.
I've been in love with her for five years.
I've been in love with her for 12 years.
I've been in these overalls for an hour and a half.
Hey, maybe you can't dunk anymore, but you've achieved more in your 30 years than that 15-year-old dweeb could ever dream of.
You put yourself through Columbia Law School.
You had the sense to chop off that stupid rat tail.
And you married a smoking-hot chick who looks nothing like your mother.
I think that earns you an entire foot closer to dunking.
There you go, Vanilla Thunder.
Step back.
(MARSHALL SCREAMING) Oh, baby.
How about instead of dunking, we go up to your office, and you lie very still while I go bananas all over you? MARSHALL: Could we maybe instead just do it right here? Sure, baby.
- She loves me! - But I chose her! Guys! Guys! Guys, we have to figure this out.
We are dealing with a very small window of opportunity here.
Guys, let me assure you, if you let me in there, that window's gonna open up again in, like, 10 minutes.
- Wait, where's Maggie? - She's gone.
- What? - I sent her home.
You guys were like vultures fighting over her.
Let her be single for once.
- Jealous bitch! - Robin, how could you? No, she's right.
Maggie deserves some time to herself.
Nobody likes to be alone, especially after a breakup, but that's when we discover who we really are and what we really want.
She deserves that.
OLDER TED: And kids, I meant that.
Which is why I'm not proud of what happened next.
It's around the corner.
(KNOCKING AT DOOR) (MEN GROANING) Hey.
Maggie, sorry.
Class ran a little - Who's this? - (CHUCKLES) This is Adam.
And it's so crazy.
We grew up next door to each other.
God, we haven't seen each other since - (LAUGHS) A long time.
- (LAUGHS) Yeah.
OLDER TED: And then Maggie Wilks told us the second-greatest love story I've ever heard.
(ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING) I just moved to town and I had to look her up.
(MAGGIE LAUGHS) I guess we've got a lot of catching up to do.
Yeah.
Yeah, of course.
OLDER TED: So, kids, I missed out on the ultimate girl next door to the guy next door.
Well, see you next time.
OLDER TED: There was no "next time.
" Maggie's window never opened again.
Hey! Hey, I got it! That country bar, Giddy-ups! The overalls have gotta work there.
Wingman me? I don't want Giddy-ups.
I want that.
I forgot what it feels like to chase the real thing, but I think I'm ready again.
Yeah.
Let me tell you where I'm at.
I wanna have sex with a girl so I can take off these overalls.
Come on.
Come on! Ted, you gotta help me! I gotta get these damn things off! MRS.
DOUGLAS: Hey there.
I just love your overalls.
MARSHALL: Dear 60-year-old Marshall.
By now you should be working somewhere that's making the world a better place.
Or at least trying to.
No pressure, dude.
I mean, sir.
Also, if time travel is possible, maybe you could give me a little sign on Tuesday, December 8th, at 8:29 p.
m.
So, someone sent back these chicken wings, because they were too hot.
And I'm like, "Too hot? Are you crazy?" So, free wings.
MARSHALL: Old man Marshall, as long as you're still married to Lily, you're doing just fine.
Sir, this is on us.
Sorry the wings were so hot.
Oh, no, dear.
It wasn't that they were too hot.
It's just that I had wings earlier.
Much earlier.