How I Met Your Mother s05e12 Episode Script

Girls vs. Suits

OLDER TED: Kids, you never know when you're about to meet someone really important.
It's not like life gives you a warning.
You just look up and there they are.
Come on, we're going to go get trashed on the roof.
OLDER TED: No, not that dude.
I'm good, Boomer.
- My name's not Boomer.
- Oh, in my head, it is.
Gentlemen, I'm a faculty member, and you're underage, so it's my duty to confiscate this and this and Hard lemonade? You know what, Boomer? You can keep that.
I swear, every week I get asked by some frat guy to a kegger, and I say, " I'm a PhD candidate "writing a dissertation entitled 'Foreign Direct Investment "'and Intergenerational Linkages in Consumption Behavior.
'" (LAUGHS) And what does frat guy say to that? (IN DEEP VOICE) "That's hot.
" (LAUGHS) Actually, that is kind of hot.
(LAUGHS) - Ted, I have a confession.
- Hmm.
I recognize you.
Do you remember the first day of classes last semester? Econ 305? OLDER TED: Kids, you remember the wrong classroom story.
I thought I was in Architecture 101, but it was Econ 305.
Of course, what I didn't know was that your mother was somewhere in that class, and she thought I was a complete idiot.
I thought you were a complete idiot.
(SIGHS) But a very cute idiot.
(CHUCKLES) So, um, do you ever date cute idiots? Almost exclusively.
She's a PhD candidate.
She reads philosophy for fun.
She does the Sunday crossword every week and finishes it.
- Ooh.
- BARNEY: Wow.
Ted, I am so happy for you.
Sorry, not for you, happy I'm not you.
Long story short, I have a date tonight.
Oh, yay.
(CROWD CLAMORING) Thanks, New York, I'll try not to screw it up.
What's going on? There's a huge line outside MacLaren's.
And why is it almost entirely dudes? Only two things could cause that kind of commotion.
Ladies and gentlemen, MacLaren's has hired a hot bartender.
(MAN SINGING) Sweet cherry pie, yeah Look at all these guys.
Oh, the sidewalk's going to smell like pee-pee now.
Well, we'd better start looking for a new bar.
What, are you What Are you crazy? It is a hot bartender.
Do you know how long I have been waiting to land a My friends, I have been with many women in my day.
Lawyers, teachers, poets, doctors, professional equestrians, amateur equestrians, a butcher, a baker, a candlestick maker Yes, we're to the rhyming section now.
A math professor, a tax assessor, a weight guesser.
A puppeteer, a blackjack dealer, a stay-at-home mom That's a job, too, guys.
A circuit court judge Get to the point! I have never, ever scored a hot bartender.
Until tonight.
She's really not that hot.
Oh, is someone jealous of all the attention? Did somebody fancy herself the hottest girl in the bar? Gosh, no.
Shut up! - All right, wish me luck.
- It's never going to happen.
Barney, she's just going to pretend to like you the same way she hypnotized all these geniuses.
Yeah, but guess who's not going to fall under her spell? I'm gonna be all, " Drop the act, baby doll.
Daddy needs a gin and tonic.
" Then when she brings it, I'll just spit it out and say, "Try again.
" Boom! Alpha dog is right where he belongs, on top.
Then after a few minutes, on the bottom.
Why should I do all the work? - Hi, Marshall.
- Hey, guys, what's happening? - New super-hot bartender.
- Oh, yeah? - Eh.
- Ha! See? Marshall doesn't think she's hot either.
Yes, he does.
Baby, you don't have to pretend other women aren't attractive just for my sake.
(SCOFFS) I know, and if that woman were anywhere near as hot as the woman I'm married to, then I'd admit it.
But she's not.
(GIGGLES) Baby, you're so sweet, but compared to that woman, I am a big bag of three-day-old garbage.
Well, I call 'em like I see 'em, and I just think you're the most beautiful woman in the world.
See, that's just annoying.
- Oh, my God, you are so funny.
- (MUMBLES) - That'll be $6.
- Here's a 50, keep the change.
Thank you.
- What do you want? - Drop the act, baby doll Wait, what? Are you gonna order a drink or are you just gonna stand there looking stupid? - Um - I don't know how to make an "um.
" Is that equal parts vodka and get-the-hell-out-of-my-face? Hey, Bobby! OLDER TED: Later that night, I embarked upon a very important first date.
- How are you? - Good.
Come in.
OLDER TED: It's funny.
Sometimes you walk into a place you've never been before - Just one sec.
- Sure.
OLDER TED: But you get the feeling you're exactly where you're supposed to be.
And, kids, that's the first time I ever saw your mother's little yellow bus.
You know the one.
It's right behind you.
Hey, this is cute.
Actually, it's my roommate's.
OLDER TED: So, there I was, kids, standing in your mother's apartment.
Never mind the fact that I was on a date with her roommate, Cindy.
Sorry, I shouldn't be messing with your roommate's stuff.
(CHUCKLES) What's she like? OLDER TED: I didn't know it, but I was about to hear the very first description of the woman I'd one day marry.
She's a whore.
- I think she's a dominatrix.
- What? Okay, I'm sorry, none of that is true.
I have a bit of a roommate complex.
Why? Guys are always falling in love with her.
Hey, hey, look at me.
I promise you I am not going to fall in love with your roommate.
Okay, now that you've had a closer look, admit it.
That bartender is the hottest woman in this bar.
(COUGHS) Second hottest.
I repeat Eh.
(SCOFFS) Baby, how could you not want to hit that? I want to hit that.
If you don't want to hit that, I'm sorry, but you might be gay.
Hell, yeah, I'm gay.
Gay for you.
Did you find out why I'm the one guy in this entire bar she seems to despise? I did, um, you're not going to like the answer.
My last three boyfriends were Wall Street guys.
So, I vowed never again to date a guy who wears suits.
Huh! Okay, well, that's easy.
All I have to do is stop wearing suits.
Oh, that's all, Barney? Come on, you're never not in a suit.
But for those I mean, for that I mean, for her, I will stop wearing - Wait for it.
- We know you're going to say "suits.
" suits.
(MARSHALL AND LILY GASP) OLDER TED: Meanwhile, Cindy and I were having a lovely evening, except she wasn't kidding about her roommate complex.
And another weird thing about my roommate, she does these bizarre paintings of robots playing sports.
Yeah, that is weird.
OLDER TED: I was lying.
That sounded awesome.
Your mother's robot volleyball watercolor is hanging up in the den as we speak.
And she has this crazy habit of making breakfast food sing show tunes.
That's just bizarre.
OLDER TED: Your mother's rendition ofMemories as performed by an English muffin is, to this day, the most hauntingly beautiful thing I've ever heard.
(CIND Y SCOFFS) Look, I'm sold.
I hate this girl.
I'm sorry.
Look, she's not that bad.
I just get a little jealous.
I don't know why.
You're awesome.
OLDER TED: But not as awesome as your mother.
And speaking of things that are less awesome, your Uncle Barney had officially suited down.
I am so sorry I misjudged you.
If there is one type of person that I cannot stand, - it is a man in a suit.
- Ugh.
That, and a woman who has no respect for herself.
- Ugh.
- Yeah.
Suits and insecure women.
I hate them.
Just hate them.
- Hey.
- Hey, how was your date with Cindy? Well, last night was great, today not so much.
What, why? I found out the school's policy about students and professors dating is really strict.
I could lose my scholarship.
Yeah, but it's not like you're in my class.
I mean, we're not even in the same department.
I'm sorry, but I just can't risk it.
- She's completely overreacting, right? - Actually, Ted, she has a point.
Yeah, and think about it.
If the rules are that strict, you could be putting your job in jeopardy.
I think you got to let this one go, buddy.
Let's try this again.
She's completely overreacting, right? OLDER TED: Of course, they were right.
I had to let it go.
But as your Uncle Barney was about to find out, it's not so easy to let things go.
OLDER TED: Now, none of us had ever seen Barney go this long without suiting up, and, kids, it wasn't pretty.
So sorry I'm late.
I got stuck at work.
Yeah, today I had that presentation on offshore dividend tax implications.
Sure, I was totally paying attention when you talked about that.
Right, so I fire up the PowerPoint Um, Barney? - Barney.
- Huh.
Hey, Barney, we're going to order some food.
- BARNEY: Okay, be out in a sec.
- Okay.
Out of the way! Stay with me.
It's not your time.
OLDER TED: If anyone could fix something like this, it was Barney's personal tailor, TV's Tim Gunn.
I'm sorry, Barney.
I couldn't make it work.
(WHIMPERING) So young.
(WHIMPERING) There's nothing else you could do? No.
But there is another suit that can use the buttons from your suit.
That can Like an organ donor? Your suit's death could mean another suit's life.
Oh, my God.
Do it.
You're doing the right thing.
(CRYING) Please don't cry on this.
- It's silk.
- (CRYING) I'm sorry.
I know.
I know.
(CRYING) We cremated the remains.
His buttons saved the life of a sick little jacket on the Upper East Side.
Well, at least now you can finally drop this quest for the so-called hot bartender.
My suit gave its life for this cause, and I will not rest until those I mean, that I mean, she is mine.
He's absolutely right.
Who, the guy kissing a jar full of dead suit ashes? That guy? What if Cindy is the woman I'm supposed to marry, and I'm just giving up? So long, elegant yet welcoming home in Westchester with a sensible mortgage I can handle without dipping into my savings.
Bye-bye, two kids I raised with a stern yet loving hand, finding the perfect balance between father and friend.
Adiós, triplet schnauzers, Frank, Lloyd, and Wright.
- Ted! - Ted! The point is, I'm not giving up, either! I don't know why I just did that.
Barney, I'm so sorry about your friend.
- Tell me about him.
- Huh.
He was Italian.
Classy, elegant.
And boy, did he have a way with the ladies.
They just couldn't say no.
- How old was he? - Seven.
(CRYING) I miss him so much! You shouldn't be alone tonight.
I'm gonna end my shift early.
Thank you, old friend.
You're going out with a bang.
Come on, Marshall.
Just admit that she's hotter than me.
- I won't be hurt.
- Can't do it.
- You're hotter.
- She's a goddess! Her skin glows.
Her legs go for miles.
And that ass? I would wear that thing for a hat.
Last night in bed, I'll admit it, she popped into my head a couple of times.
What are you trip Like, you think she's hotter than me? I never said that.
Oh, my God! You do.
Well, it's apples and oranges.
She's younger than you.
Well, I'm just saying, like, me in my prime versus her in her prime.
- Well - Oh, my God! You guys, her hotness isn't even real! It's circumstantial hotness.
(MAN SINGING) She's my cherry pie Cool drink of water Such a sweet surprise Tastes so good Make a grown man cry Sweet cherry pie I suppose you think she's hotter than me, too.
- What the hell are you doing? - What? - You're not allowed back here.
- Oh, no.
Uh, I Carl, look.
I don't want to go back.
Please, please, just don't make me go back.
- You got to go.
- Don't.
I - You got to go.
- I just No, Carl.
I was I was somebody back there! Everybody loved me.
- Hi.
Can we talk? My roommate's just about to get out of the shower.
- Let's talk in my room.
- Okay.
(SIGHS) Look, Cindy, I know the university rulebook says we can't date.
But it also says, "Don't teach drunk," and I do that all the time.
The point is, I like you.
I do.
You're sweet, you're funny.
You're writing a dissertation entitled "Foreign Direct Investment "and Intergenerational Linkages in Consumption Behavior.
" I mean, that is hot.
I know this sounds crazy, but I feel like our paths are supposed to cross somehow.
And I don't want to miss out on knowing you.
I don't want to miss out on knowing you, either.
Look, I got to tell you, I mean, just from looking around your room, I can tell we have a ton in common.
- Really? - The Unicorns? Who Will Cut Our Hair When We're Gone? I have never met anyone else who has this album.
That's my roommate's.
I borrowed it.
Well, well, what about this? World's End by T.
Boyle? That was a birthday gift from my roommate.
Haven't checked it out yet.
Oh, you should.
It's a good read.
What about this? This is ridiculous.
You play bass? Seriously, ask my friends.
I always say, " My ideal woman "does not play bass," because this is clearly your roommate's.
- She's in a band.
- Damn, that's cool.
This is unbelievable.
You just picked out the only three things in here that are my roommate's.
So, does your roommate's band ever play shows, or Get out.
OLDER TED: Kids, as you probably guessed, that wasn't the night I met your mother.
Although I think I glimpsed her foot.
But I did get a little bit closer to meeting the woman of my dreams.
And your mom? Well, she got her yellow umbrella back.
He was just so special, you know? I feel like we should give him a moment of silence.
Followed by, like, 20 minutes of grunting.
I'm gonna make you feel all better.
- Let me just go freshen up.
- All right.
Oh, wait.
No, no, that's not the bathroom! That Are these yours? I'm suit-sitting for someone.
Barney, you lied to me.
(SIGHS) You have to choose right now.
Me or the suits.
(SINGING) I know what you're thinking What's Barney been drinking? That girl was smoking hot Yes, I could've nailed her But no, it's not a failure 'Cause there's one thing she is not To score a ten would be just fine But I'd rather be dressed to the nines It's a truth you can't refute Nothing suits me like a suit! Picture a world Where all the boys and girls Are impeccably well-dressed That delivery guy in a jacket and tie That puppy in a double-breast That '80s dude with muttonchops That baby with a lollipop That lady cop who's kind of cute Nothing suits them like a suit - Suits - A wingman I can wear - Suits - They're oh, so debonair - Suits - The perfect way to snare A girl with daddy issues - Suits - In navy blue or black Check out this perfect rack I want to give them a squeeze Oh, really? Then answer these questions if you please What would you do if you had to choose Between your suits and a pot of gold? Suits What would you say if you gave your suits away And in return you'd never grow old? Suits What would you pick? One million chicks Or a single three-piece suit? It's moot What if world peace Were within your reach? (STUTTERING) I'm gonna stop you right there.
It's suits.
Come on, Lily, get your head out of your ass.
Two, three, four Girls will go and girls will come But there's only one absolute Every bro on the go needs to know That there's no accepted substitute I'm sorry, suits, let's make amends My Sunday best are my best friends Send casual Friday down the laundry chute 'Cause nothing suits the undisputed Oft-saluted suitor of repute Like A Wait for it.
Suit Nothing suits him Like a suit Suit Up! Suit Up! Suit Up! Suit Up! Then again, she is pretty hot.
I choose you, baby.
First thing tomorrow, I'm getting rid of these suits.
- Really? - Yeah.
(WHISPERING) You guys are fine.