How I Met Your Mother s05e14 Episode Script

Perfect Week

OLDER TED: Kids, we all have different ways of dealing with nerves.
It'll just be a few more minutes, Mr.
OLDER TED: Some people chew their nails.
Some people tap their feet.
And some people imagine they're being interviewed by renowned sportscaster, Jim Nantz.
Hello, friends.
Every sport has had an icon who transcends the game.
Boxing had Ali, basketball had Jordan, and the sport of sleeping with random hotties has my next guest, Mr.
Barney Stinson.
- Barney, welcome.
- Thanks, Jim.
- Great to be back on the show.
- Good to have you with us.
And, you know, the stats, they really speak for themselves.
Over 200 women, spanning six continents, and not a single fatty.
It's impressive.
And with all these accomplishments though, there's one laurel that's always eluded you, which brings us to last week.
What was the story there? Buckle up, Jimbo.
This one's a doozy.
BARNEY: It all started when I decided to set myself a little challenge.
- Oh, my God.
- Whoa! He's calling his shot.
Whatever girl I'm pointing to right now, that's who I'm going home with tonight.
And, play ball! - Hey.
- Hey.
How'd the date with Dale go? You know, sometimes that guy, with the horn-rimmed glasses and a Smurfs T-shirt, is just being ironic.
Sometimes he is a dork with a lazy eye and a love-hate relationship with Gargamel.
Robin, just because a guy talks a lot about a fictional character on a first date, doesn't mean he's not husband material.
Sasquatch isn't fictional.
TED: That was quick.
So, night one was pretty routine.
Jim, there's nothing routine about the way I get down.
Take us to night two.
See that hotty over there nursing a Black Russian? She's about to chase that with a white American.
Up top! You know, if you're not careful, you're gonna lose me.
Hey, guys, what should I say when Dale calls for a second date? How do you know he's gonna call? (ROBIN LAUGHING) You're cute, Marshall, but I think Mama knows when a dude's digging the show.
I mean, he couldn't keep his good eye off of me.
Well, let him down easy.
People are fragile.
Sometimes without even meaning to, you might rip someone's beating heart out and stomp on it in a roomful of 26 people and a teacher's assistant.
- How did school go today, Ted? - Something bad happened.
It was the first class of the new semester.
Jamie Adamic? Hi.
Brian Glowatz, Glowatz? Hi.
Well done.
Adding a fake name to the sign-up sheet.
That's real original, guys.
You know, I'd expect inspired minds such as yours to be a little more mature and, frankly, more creative.
I mean, seriously, what kind of a fake name is Cook Pu? Here.
Come on, guys.
It's gotta at least sound real.
Cook Pu? Here.
Whatever happened to classics, right.
You know, Seymour Butts? Hugh Gerection? Those were fake names.
But Cook Pu? - (CRYING) Here.
- Cook Pu! She's back here, bro.
All right, come on.
Let me have it.
Bring on all the Cook Pu jokes.
Oh, we're not gonna make jokes, Ted.
That girl must be really down in the dumps.
You really smeared the Pu name.
You guys finished? Are you asking us if all the Pu is out of our system? Wow, back-to-back nights.
Barney is on fire.
(SIGHING) That girl's lucky.
Barney was the best sex I ever had.
And he's the best friend I've ever had.
- He's everything I want Marshall to be.
- He's everything I wish I could be.
I'm just assuming that's what they say when I'm not around.
I buy it.
You're awesome.
Now, night three.
Paint us a word picture.
Jim, I could tell I was on a roll, so I decided to mix things up a little bit.
- I think I'm gonna go small boobs tonight.
- You're disgusting.
Lily, they're people, too.
- Here's your burgers.
- Thank you.
- Thanks.
- You're welcome.
What, you're not sharing? You two always share a burger.
No, we don't.
We're not, like, weirdoes who share everything.
- Yeah, you are.
- That's exactly what you are.
We're perfectly normal! Guys, what's going on? You know how Lily and I have been looking for new couple friends ever since we lost Robin and Barney, and Ted and Stella, and Ted and Robin, and Ted and Victoria? Geez, Ted, when are you gonna get your life together? How'd we end up here? We went on a great double date last night.
We were cool.
We were casual.
We didn't spaz out.
And then one tiny little detail came out - and the whole night was ruined.
- Ruined! And Joanna's toothbrush flips off the side of the sink, hits the ceiling and falls right into the toilet.
Come on.
That's crazy.
Last week, the same thing happened to our toothbrush.
"Our" toothbrush? "Our" toothbrush? "Our" toothbrush? - Yeah.
- Like, one toothbrush? That you both use? Every day? Is that weird? ALL: Super weird.
Marshall, four out of five dentists just threw up in their mouths.
(ROBIN SHUDDERS IN DISGUST) Hey, check it out.
Barney's leaving with another girl.
Wow, three girls in three nights? That's gross even for Barney.
Gross? Are you kidding? He's on his way to a Perfect Oh! (MUTTERING) Don't say it! You'll jinx it.
Jinx what? I was on my way toward a Perfect Week! The Perfect Week.
Seven nights, seven girls, zero rejections.
I mean, it's really like the sexual equivalent of baseball's perfect game.
But even rarer.
The only player in history to have ever achieved both was Mustache Pete Drexel, back in 1896.
Now this wasn't the first time you'd come close to a Perfect Week.
You learn the hard way, though.
One mistake, and it's all over.
NANTZ: Sometimes, a teammate makes an error.
Sometimes, one wild pitch You, me, the canned-food aisle in the bodega next door.
leads to a walk.
And sometimes, you just lose focus, and it almost always leads to a hit.
(EX CLAIMING) But this week, you were three-for-three, with no sign of slowing down.
I could do no wrong.
Wish I could say the same for my friends.
Cook didn't show up for class today.
I'm sorry, Cook? Yeah, Ted, we know, like, a ton of people named Cook.
Cook Pu.
Here we go.
The dreaded Dale call.
Oh! It's my mom.
She's going through some pretty major league health stuff.
God, why won't that guy call? - Wait a minute, you want him to call? - No.
Shut up.
Don't you guys have, like, a toothbrush to share, or something? Yeah.
When did you guys even start doing that anyway? Like, years ago.
You should know.
We lived with you.
Yeah, but you always kept your toothbrush in the bedroom.
Also weird, by the way.
No, we kept it in the bathroom.
There was only one toothbrush in the bathroom, and it was mine.
Are you saying that for eight years, all three of you shared one toothbrush? - Oh, my God.
- TED: Kill me! - I love this so much! - Kill me! So, you're through four nights.
You're over the hump.
- Nice, Jim.
- Hey, I try.
I'm no you.
But then came night five, and with it, trouble.
Beer here! Thanks.
Hey, how's Barney doing tonight? Cool as a cucumber, just like he's been all week.
- Yeah? That's hard to believe.
- Why? Apparently, this big merger fell through last week, and Barney's being blamed for it.
That's weird.
He hasn't said anything.
Look, I work with the guy.
I didn't find out until this afternoon, when I walked by his boss's office.
You cost this company, Stinson! MARSHALL: I've never seen Barney look that scared.
I think he's gonna get fired.
I can't believe Barney might get fired.
Yeah, they're having a meeting on Friday to determine whether or not he keeps his job.
Poor guy.
He must be freaking out.
- I'm gonna go talk to him.
- Wait, no! You can't distract the man in the middle of you know what! Oh, come on! This is his career! This is much more important than some stupid Perfect (EX CLAIMING) Okay.
You can lick my hand as long as you want.
I'm not gonna let you ruin his (EX CLAIMING) - Guys, we need to talk to him.
- I'll go.
He needs a bro.
- Hey, buddy.
- Hey.
- Everything all right? - Absolutely.
Top of the world.
(SIGHING) Who am I kidding? I need your help.
Anything, buddy.
What is it? (SIGHING) Which one of these girls looks the dumbest? All right, kid.
Let's check the scouting report.
What about the heater? High and outside? All right.
I'd go with the slider.
- Thanks, Skip.
- Yo.
So, what'd he say? Hmm? Oh! Yeah, he's gonna take a swat at that hamburglar over there.
You were supposed to talk to him about losing his job.
Lily, how is forcing him to dwell on a problem he can do nothing about - gonna help him? - How is ignoring it gonna solve anything? Well, you ignored good dental hygiene for the better part of a decade - and you seem - Cook Pu! - Cook Pu.
- Dale call yet? - No.
Why are you - Guys, guys, guys, look! Barney, we gotta stop you for a second.
There's something I have to ask.
Have you ever used performance-enhancing drugs? No, sir.
I respect the game too much.
Although, I can't say I haven't been offered.
(LILY HUMMING) Dude, it was pretty awesome.
You should try it.
I have some more.
- No, thanks.
- You sure? All right.
Suit yourself.
What time is it? - It's 8:00.
- 8:00? I need to go to the hospital.
I've never touched the stuff.
You can test me if you want to, Nantz.
Barney, I trust you.
I regret I even asked you the question, okay.
Let's go to night six.
Two girls away from perfection.
- Honest to God.
- Hey.
Dude, what are you doing here? Get down to the bar.
Ted, relax.
I'm already six-for-six.
- Really? - Yeah.
I was lunching at Tavern on the Green.
I started chatting up this Swedish supermodel.
Next thing you know, I'm playing a day game in the back of a horse-drawn carriage.
What really happened? I had lunch at a Staten Island Chili's and banged a drunk hairdresser.
Are you happy, Truthy McGee? Barney, we know you might get fired.
You have to talk about this.
You are just using meaningless sex to distract yourself - from a really serious issue.
- It is not meaningless, okay? Number five and I really connected.
She's going back to school, or has a kid in school, something about school! So, today, one of my students told me Cook is dropping my class.
Oh, my God.
Pu dropped out? She is flushing her education down the toilet.
Any word from Dale? It's only been five days.
He's gonna call.
Why do you care anyway? You said he was a total dork.
Do not talk about Dale that way, okay! He is twice the man you will ever be! And God forbid, if you can't find another job, sell your place.
Marshall and I have an extra room.
You can stay there as long as you need.
Make sure you bring your own toothbrush.
Lily, what are you doing? Talking to my friend who's going through a really tough time.
He's doing fine.
Trying to sleep with seven women in seven nights is not doing fine.
It's a cry for help.
Barney's whole life is a cry for help.
But you don't mess with a man when he's in the middle of a What? Perfect Week? (ALL GASPING) Perfect Week! Perfect Week! Perfect Week! Grow up! (BARNEY HISSING) Unbelievable.
You know, there's two things you don't do.
One, you don't open an e-mail from Phil Simms in front of your kids.
And two, you don't jinx a man going for a Perfect Week.
I don't know what to tell you.
Lily's always messing with me.
I think she has a thing for the Barnacle.
You're a keen observer of the human condition, Jim Nantz.
- I can't believe you jinxed him.
- He doesn't stand a chance out there.
Okay, question.
If I ruined everything, why is Barney totally hitting it off with third-martini-girl over there? - Oh, my God! - He's gonna do it.
See, there is no such thing as a jinx.
(ALL EX CLAIMING) Tell me she didn't say, "There's no such thing as a jinx.
" Wish I could.
You were about to achieve something so beautiful.
Well, thanks to her, the only thing that could ruin a surefire hook-up was about to walk through that door.
BARNEY: A member of the 2009 World Champion New York Yankees.
Lily, I'm getting my own toothbrush.
Well, I guess that's it.
Barney's streak ends at six.
What? Why? Because that guy with the weird hair just walked in? That's Nick Swisher.
He's a New York Yankee.
No normal guy in New York City can compete with a Yankee.
And it doesn't even have to be a current Yankee.
When I first moved here, I was on a fourth date with a girl I really liked, until I got rack-jacked by Phil Rizzuto.
- I was there.
Holy cow, that guy had game.
- TED: Mmm-hmm.
No, I'm not seeing it.
Okay, let me try to Canada this up for you, eh? How would you react if one of those Cachuck guys with the skates and the sticks walked in here? Lily, if one of the Vancouver Canucks walked in here, my panties would drop so hard there would be a hole in the floor halfway to China.
- That's what it's like with the Yankees.
- Barney's screwed.
It's happening.
Hey, wanna come over and look at my snow globe collection? - Snow globe collection? - He's throwing junk out there! That is Nick Swisher.
(ALL GROANING) - Good effort.
- Good game.
Good game.
- Good game.
Good game.
- Not good enough.
This whole week was a waste.
And tomorrow, I'm gonna get fired.
I'm really sorry, dude.
But for what it's worth, this week wasn't a waste.
We were all having a really horrible week and you took our minds off it.
I had my first student drop my class.
It sucked.
I met my soul mate and he never called me back.
I mean, yet.
He will.
He will.
We scared off a really great couple just because we share a toothbrush.
You share a toothbrush! - Well, them and Ted.
- What? Wait a second.
When we were dating you borrowed that toothbrush all the time.
Oh, my God.
OLDER TED: And that's when Aunt Lily realized what's great about sports.
They take your mind off your troubles, if only for a moment.
And deep down, we all needed that Perfect Week.
TED: The second she sits down next to Swisher it's all over.
Wait a minute! Aldrin's got a bead on her! She's running out of room.
She dives, and And I have no idea where she's going with this.
- Oh, my God! Are you okay? - Yeah.
Sorry, I'm such a klutz.
Oh! Thanks.
(GROANING) I think I twisted my ankle.
- Can you get me some ice? - Of course.
Oh, my God.
She did it! I guess there is no such thing as a jinx! Oh, I'll get you some ice, Lily.
Damn it! Swisher's back in play.
- Swisher's back in play! - Follow me.
Hey, Nick Swisher, this guy and his wife share a toothbrush! - So? - So, that's weird, right? Actually, I think it's kind of sweet.
In a way, aren't we all trying to find that special someone to share a toothbrush with? Excuse me.
Lily, Nick Swisher thinks we're sweet.
Martini? We're having a beer with a New York Yankee.
How cool is that! Oh! It's amazing.
I totally follow baseball.
Mookie Wilson, is that a thing? Yeah, baseball, it's amazing.
But I tell you one thing, it's no hockey.
I live right upstairs.
What do you say we go back to my place? (CHUCKLES) Wow, to be honest, I don't normally do that, but I feel a real connection here, Seven.
I did it! (ALL CHEERING) I did it! Amazing! Congratulations on your Perfect Week.
Thanks, Jim.
I couldn't have done it without my teammates.
Hey, on to a new topic.
Do you really think you might get fired today? (STAMMERING) Jim, I I told you I don't want to talk about that.
Barney, I'm a figment of your imagination, so, apparently, you do.
Think about that.
- What a jerk! - You're a jerk.
Donovan will see you now.
Stinson, we've reached a decision.
We're keeping you on.
(SIGHING) I know this past week must've been tough on you.
(CHUCKLES) I barely slept.
Here you go, guys, the official hat of Barney's Perfect Week.
I was gonna do shirts, but then you have to guess sizes, and feelings get hurt.
It's a mess.
In commemoration of Barney's induction into the Hall of Game, this tie worn on the seventh night of his Perfect Week is hereby retired.
May Barney's heroic feat be remembered and spoken of for generations to come.
I'm totally gonna sit my kids down one day, and tell them about the time Uncle Barney nailed seven chicks in a row.
(ALL LAUGHING) OLDER TED: Am I a bad dad? Take-out order for Cook Pu.
We have a number two over here for Cook Pu.
You guys got Wendy saying it now? Come on, okay, I get it.
Cook Pu is a stupid name, and it gets stupider and stupider the more you say it.
Cook Pu.
Cook Pu.
Cook Pu.