How I Met Your Mother s05e20 Episode Script

Home Wreckers

OLDER TED: Kids, everyone has one or two moments when they make a huge, crazy decision that changes their lives forever.
This is the story of mine.
It all started with a visit from my mom and her long-time boyfriend, Clint, who was always saying stuff like Ted, your mother is a very, very erotic woman.
Please don't.
As a painter /songwriter / volunteer fear fighter, I find her incredibly sexual.
But you have your own sexual memories with your mom, don't you? Please don't.
Exiting her womb.
Receiving her milk.
You get me? (CHUCKLES) Good.
I cannot believe I am with that man.
Mom, Mom, it's okay.
You don't have to settle.
There are plenty of guys He's so cool.
And he picked me.
(SCREAMING EX CITEDLY) Well, I'm glad you're both so happy.
Well, good.
Because we do have an announcement.
(CHUCKLING) Son.
OLDER TED: Yes, my mom was lapping me.
Getting married for a second time, before I was even married once.
I was so happy for them, so freaking happy.
Still, weddings can be magical.
For all I knew, I'd end up sharing a dance with my own future wife there.
And if you don't boil those jam jars, it's just a welcome mat for bacteria.
OLDER TED: That wasn't her.
- (GASPS) Oh, congratulations.
- We are so happy for you.
I feel like I'm 19 again.
It's like the last 35 years of my life never happened.
So wonderful to hear, Mom.
Son, to show that your mom and I will always be there for you, I want you to have this beautiful picture, that I painted.
(ALL GASPING) OLDER TED: Kids, there was no guitar.
Excuse me, Ted.
- Best - Wedding Ever.
Hello, everyone.
Mahalo for being here with us.
My entire life, well, this life, I've waited for a muse like Virginia.
Baby, this is your song.
(PLAYING FOLK SONG) (SINGING) When I squeeze her trembling bosom Oh, God.
The blood pumps to my loins When I penetrate her OLDER TED: Kids, I swear to God, I blacked out for the next 12 minutes.
So I have no idea how the song got to this ending.
(SINGING) And Mahatma Gandhi And the pancakes - Everyone.
And the dragon - ALL: And the dragon And you, Virginia Guys, guys.
Guess what Robin just did? CLINT: (SINGING) And true.
Are you crying? I know it's stupid, but - CLINT: Everyone.
And the dragon - And the dragon CLINT: And you I'm happy, you know.
Not as happy as I am, Robin.
Guys, guys.
Guess what Robin just did? And then, I told you guys what Robin just did, but you were there for that.
I got to tell the rest of the wedding.
Aunt Meredith.
OLDER TED: Kids, I can't overstate how horrible it is to be the single guy at your own mother's second wedding.
So, Ted, when's your wedding? So, Ted, when's your wedding? - When's your wedding? - When's your wedding? When's your wedding? Robin cried at Clint's song.
Oh, I told you already.
Ted's hot sister Heather.
I have to leave.
Wait, Ted, what about your toast? Make up some emergency or something.
I just I can't handle this.
Ted, Ted, where you going? It's your mother's wedding.
Uncle Larry, my hand to God, Niagara Falls.
(LAUGHING) OLDER TED: And my friends didn't see me for the next 72 hours.
Seriously, is Ted okay? I mean, I know it was a rough weekend, but this radio silence is weird.
I know.
His mom's called like five times asking where he disappeared to.
Sorry, Robin, they're all out of pretzels.
And I know how emotional you get (SIGHS) (SHUSHING) Let it go.
Let it go.
Okay.
Okay.
- I cried at Clint's song.
- She cried at Clint's song.
TED: Hi, guys.
- Ted, where have you been? - Are you okay? Oh, I'm better than okay.
I am on top of the world.
Come on.
We're going for a ride.
Hey, buddy, do you want to, maybe, let somebody who isn't having some sort of manic episode drive for a while? Yeah.
And where the hell are we going? First, let me tell you what happened the night of the wedding.
TED: Watching my mom get married, I realized how far behind I was in my own life.
I just had to get out of there.
So I went back to my hotel room, and got onto this Web site I sometimes visit when I can't sleep.
ALL: No, no, no, no.
We do not want to know what you and the Internet do when you're lonely.
I didn't.
I That's not the part of the night I was talking about.
TED: I went to my favorite real estate auction site.
Come on, we've all got one.
Scrolled through a few properties and Guys, I just bought my dream house.
(RAT SQUEAKING) (ALL SCREAMING) What do you mean you bought this house? I mean, I made a bid online, I won the auction the next day, and I got approval.
I just finalized the paperwork.
And was the Blair Witch easy to deal with, or did she haggle over the closing costs? Don't even joke about that, man.
So, I'm thinking this room will be the study.
You know, a place just for Dad.
I mean, the kids are welcome in here, if they're reading a book, but no toys.
It's not a question of withholding love.
It's a question of drawing boundaries.
- Whoa.
- Ted, this is insane.
This is gonna take years, and a small fortune to make livable.
I'm an architect.
I'll find a way.
And if I start right now, it'll be done by the time the old wifey and I are ready to move in.
Is she in the room with us right now, Ted? Okay, okay.
I know.
I haven't found Mrs.
Mosby yet.
But I will, knock on wood.
- (CRUMBLING) - (RAT SQUEAKING) - Careful, buddy.
- Okay.
Ted.
You can't just skip ahead to where you think your life should be.
It doesn't work that way.
Yeah, I got to agree.
This may be the stupidest thing you've ever done.
Stupidest thing any of us have ever done.
- Okay, all right.
Let's lay off Ted.
- Thank you.
All right.
We've all done some stupid things in our lives.
For example, I remember a time when I dropped some bottle rockets in the toilet, and I tried to dry them off in the microwave.
You must've been drunk off your ass.
No.
Too stupid to be an adult.
He was obviously a kid when that happened.
A kid? How does a kid even get BARNEY: Who puts a bottle rocket in a microwave? Oh, my God.
Guys, great new game.
"Drunk or Kid?" Which one was I? Lock in your guesses.
- Drunk.
- Kid.
Drum roll, please.
MARSHALL: I was Drunk.
(DINGING) - Yeah.
- Hey.
You know, I'm glad Robin got it right.
(WHISPERING) 'Cause she's very sensitive and fragile.
I'm referencing the time she cried at Clint's song.
And even though I'm whispering, I actually hope she hears me.
It wasn't me.
What? I'm not the one who cried at Clint's song.
(ALL GASPING) CLINT: (SINGING) And true.
Are you crying? I know it's stupid, but - CLINT: Everyone.
And the dragon - And the dragon They're just so happy, you know.
Not as happy as I am.
I will give you $500 if this just happened to you instead of me.
Thank you, Robin.
You just saved me unspeakable public humiliation and shame.
Hmm.
Guys, guys.
Guess what Robin just did? (ALL LAUGHING) Wait, you guys are (KNOCKING ON DOOR) Hi, I'm here for the inspection.
Oh! Great.
I was worried you weren't coming.
Well, I was actually here a few minutes ago, - but I guess the doorbell doesn't work.
- Hmm.
Oh! Hey, doorbell does not work.
Wait, wait, you're just getting this place inspected now? - Well, yeah.
- Ted (ALL CLAMORING) All right.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
All right.
Let's all remember that we've all done some stupid things in our lives, okay? For example, I once tried to ride my bike down an extension ladder from the roof of a two-story house.
The only looming question is, was I drunk or a kid? (BARNEY GASPS) - Drunk.
- Kid.
Drum roll, please.
MARSHALL: I was JUD Y: (SCREAMING) Marshall's dead.
- MARSHALL: A kid.
- Marshall's dead.
Marshall.
(DINGING) (BARNEY EX CLAIMING) Moms, right? Just always making a big deal out of nothing.
Came out of that coma in under a week.
Hey, let's check out the porch, huh? Come on.
I'm gonna put a grill out here, every Sunday, right here.
- It's gonna be a total sausage fest.
- Hmm.
Sausage party? Burgers.
Right, I'll do We'll do burgers.
Ted, stop it.
You can't keep this house.
It's a huge mistake.
Lily, listen to me.
I had a plan, okay? Wife, house, kids.
As it turns out, the universe is being kind of a wad about the whole wife and kids part.
So what's the one thing I can control? The house.
I bought it.
It's not a huge mistake.
Exactly.
Now, me driving my brother's car the wrong way down l-94, that was a huge mistake.
- Drunk.
- Kid.
I was (SCREAMING) MARSHALL: A kid.
(DINGING) (BARNEY GRUNTING) Wow, Barney, what, did you cry on that guy or something? Uh You got leaky pipes.
But the bright side, the pond in your basement is drowning some of the larger, slower rats.
The rest of them, well, they're headed this way.
See, you should've waited to find out the problems with this house.
You can always find problems with any decision.
But you can't let that stop you.
Freshman year, Marshall knew right away he wanted to spend his life with you.
What if someone had been there to second-guess that decision? Bye.
I know we've only been on two dates, but, damn it, Lily Aldrin, I'm I'm gonna marry you.
Not so fast.
We got some structural issues here.
These hips are not Eriksen-baby compliant.
And this thing right here does not have a proper filter.
That's a maintenance issue that's never gonna go away.
And I know you think that you like this gothic exterior now, but deep down, didn't you always picture yourself in something Spanish? I recommend you look into the rental option.
But Marshall took that leap of faith, and it's the best thing that ever happened to you both.
It was Robin.
(GASPING) "What?" Yes! It was Robin who cried at Clint's song.
"But she said" I know what she said.
But here's what she didn't want you to know.
Listen, Barney, I can't stand all these jokes about me crying.
If I pretend to reveal that you were the one who cried, will you go along with it? Sure.
(SIGHING) I made a mistake letting you go, didn't I? Your penis is enormous.
(ALL GRUNTING) Dude, you almost had us.
You always take it one too far.
Damn it.
All right, good news.
I think we'll be out of here early.
- Really? - Yep.
I finished downstairs and the outside.
Now, I could keep looking and see what else I can find, besides the black mold, the damaged retaining wall, the frayed electrical wires, the lead paint, the water damage, the fire damage, the sun damage, the broken furnace, the rotted floorboards - Hey, look at that, no termites.
- Ooh.
The cracked chimney, the bats, the rats, the spiders, the raccoons, the hobo, the detached gutter, the outdated fuse box and the paint job in the kitchen, which is fine, but the trim really clashes with the countertops.
Or I could just recommend that you do not buy this godforsaken Guantánamo Bay of a house, and suggest that we all get our asses out of here before a medium-sized wind blows the whole sumbitch down.
What if (CLEARING THROAT) What if I already bought the sumbitch? (STAMMERS) Well, I will check out the upstairs.
(INSPECTOR LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY) Did he say he found a hobo? Okay, yes.
There are problems.
But I see this house for what I know it can be.
I see a swing on that tree outside.
I see a wreath on the front door at Christmas, I see a grill out on that patio, where I'll be barbecuing every weekend.
I see a life that I know I can have here.
(CREAKING) INSPECTOR: Mama.
I see a lawsuit.
INSPECTOR: (GRUNTING) Found termites.
LILY: Bye.
Hey, well, the good news is, the inspector killed some roaches on impact.
LILY: Hold on.
Giant hole in second floor.
Just want to make sure the report is thorough.
(CLICKING TONGUE) Oh, you were right.
This was a huge mistake.
It's just Everyone's moving on but me.
You guys got a place years ago.
Robin's getting serious with Don.
Barney, maybe, that's a new tie? Thank you.
Jeez.
Now, my mom's remarried.
I'm exactly where I was five years ago.
I'm sick of it.
I'm I'm ready for the life that fits into this house.
That's all right, buddy.
Sometimes, people make the wrong decisions in life.
Like your mother.
What do you mean? Ted, as you know, I've always been very, very fond of your mother.
Please don't.
In fact, Virginia and I shared a special moment back in 2006 B.
C.
Before Clint.
What the hell are you talking about? I wanted to be your dad.
- What does that even mean? - Don't you talk back to me, young man.
That's why I cried at Clint's song.
Because that bastard took her away from me.
And now, all I'm left with is the memory of dropping her off at the airport.
(BOTH LAUGHING) And that's how you got the brooch? Unbelievable.
(NIGHTMOVES PLAYING ON RADIO) (SINGING) I was a little too tall Could've used a few pounds So, here we are.
Here we are.
She was a black-haired beauty with big dark eyes - We made good time.
- Not a lot of traffic.
(WHISPERS) Stupid.
Oh, I love this song.
Do you? I can Way up firm and high Out past the cornfields where the woods got heavy Listen, Ted's mom.
I should really not I (MRS.
MOSBY SHUSHING) Working on our night moves Trying to make some front page drive-in news Working on our night moves Your penis is enormous.
(ALL GROANING) Again.
Always one too far.
Okay, all right, fine.
That last part I made up.
But the rest of it, I swear, was true.
Come on, dude, your mom is a cougar.
Wait, I thought you said a cougar can't be over 50.
Okay, she's a Mellencamp.
Guys, I am screwed.
I mean, the best I can do is level this place, and sell the property for a huge loss.
Look, Ted, usually in life, when you make a stupid decision, you just have to live with it.
But how often do you get the chance to pick up a sledgehammer and bash the living hell out of it? (SIGHING) This is stupid.
Your mom and I got to second base.
(GRUNTING LOUDLY) (OUR HOUSEPLAYING) (SINGING) I light the fire You place the flowers In the vase that you bought today Staring at the fire for hours and hours While I listen to you Thanks, Lily.
That felt fantastic.
Aw! To Ted Mosby.
Homeowner, friend, and if he can rent it out, slumlord.
- Yeah.
- Cheers.
There's There's one last thing I got to do.
OLDER TED: And my friends didn't see me for the next 72 hours.
He was our ride.
Hi.
Ted, what are you doing here? I never got to give you guys your toast.
I was selfish, and I freaked out, and I'm so sorry.
So here it is.
(CLEARING THROAT) How about a hand for the DJ? Gesture to D I'll skip down.
Mom, I love you.
And I've never seen you as happy as you are with Clint.
And, Clint, welcome to the family.
What you two have is what I one day hope to find.
But until then, cheers to you both.
I love you guys.
Ted I am so baked right now.
I'm only 60% sure you're actually standing in front of me.
But if you are, I love you.
And you are the best son a mother could ever have.
(MRS.
MOSBY SIGHING) (COUGHING) (MRS.
MOSBY GIGGLING) OLDER TED: There was no logical reason why my mother should be with a guy like that.
And yet, as you kids know, being with your Grandpa Clint was the best decision your grandma ever made.
Sometimes, our best decisions are the ones that don't make any sense at all.
- Hey.
- Hey, buddy.
How'd you know I was gonna be up here today? Robin told me.
Happy house-warming.
But I told you last time I saw you, I'm selling the place.
I know what you said.
I also know my best friend, Ted Mosby.
Look, all the times over the years when I've said to you, "Slow down, don't rush into things with this girl," you haven't listened to me a single damn time.
Your heart is both drunk and a kid.
Thanks for sticking up for me, man.
That's what I do.
Can I Can I show you some of the ideas I have? Yeah.
OLDER TED: And kids, Marshall was right.
I didn't give up on my dream house.
Because that's the thing about stupid decisions.
We all make them.
But time is funny.
(OUR HOUSEPLAYING) And sometimes a little magical.
It can take a stupid decision and turn it into something else entirely.
Because, kids, as you know, that house is this house.