How I Met Your Mother s05e22 Episode Script

Robots vs. Wrestlers

(ALL CHATTERING) Guess what I've got behind my back.
Oh, wait, wait, wait.
I got this one, left.
Wrong game.
But correct.
Five front row tickets to Robots vs.
Wrestlers.
- Robots vs.
Wrestlers? - That is awesome! - You've heard of Robots vs.
Wrestlers? - Never! But we assume it's some sort of sporting event that pits robots against wrestlers.
That's exactly what it is, according to the Web site! (MARSHALL CHEERING) Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Who's the fifth ticket for? Uh, Robin.
I know, she moved in with her boyfriend, and said she doesn't wanna hang out with us anymore.
But this is Robots vs.
Wrestlers.
Robots vs.
Wrestlers! Barney is right.
It's impossible to say no to that.
No to that.
I wish I could, but I have plans with Don on Saturday.
- He's making me Chinese.
- I'll assume you're talking about food.
Otherwise, I have some follow-up questions.
I'm sorry, Lily, but I gotta give this thing with Don a chance.
And I can't do that if I'm out drinking with you guys every single night, especially when "you guys" includes two of my ex-boyfriends.
I understand.
You're right.
It's just we all really miss you.
Oh, I miss you, too.
Listen, I gotta go.
Talk soon.
Okay.
Bye.
Sorry, New York.
I had to take that.
Now, where were we? Yeah, yes, bus crash.
She said no? How could she say no? Robots vs.
Wrestlers is our most important tradition as a group! Tradition? We've never done this before.
It's Robots vs.
Wrestlers, Lily.
How is that not gonna be a tradition? Well, this is how it starts.
First Robin moves in with Don, then Marshall and Lily have a baby, - then Ted - Gets married.
I was gonna say was found alone in his apartment, devoured by his cats, but either way, not pretty.
Everyone's leaving me and I don't like it! Oh, Barney, you don't have to worry about Marshall and me having kids.
That's a long way down the road.
Exactly.
It's down the road, a medium way.
A medium long way.
- I mean, you can see it ahead.
- In the vast, vast distance.
But you're already seeing exit signs for it.
- Really? I didn't see any.
- You might wanna get in the right lane.
I understand how you feel, Barney.
Friendships are important.
In fact, Emerson wrote a great poem entitled Friendship.
You guys are gonna love this.
"A ruddy drop of manly blood The surging sea outweighs" (BARNEY MAKES FARTING NOISE) (BOTH LAUGHING) OLDER TED: That's how it had always been for me with the gang.
Any time I tried to get a little high-minded You guys, you gotta try this Syrah.
Hints of creme de cassis, red berries, toasty oak (MAKES FARTING NOISE) (ALL LAUGHING) Hmm.
Five letters, blank baritone.
Of course.
"Lyric" baritone, which is actually higher than a dramatic baritone.
You know, there's a telling moment in the second act of La Boheme (MAKES FARTING NOISE) (MARSHALL LAUGHING) Guys, come on.
I'm just trying to add a little class to these proceedings.
It's like that line from Dante's Inferno.
- (MAKES FARTING NOISE) - (BOTH LAUGHING) "Consider your origins.
You were not born to live like brutes.
(MAKES FARTING NOISE) "But to follow virtue and knowledge.
" (MAKES LOUD FARTING NOISE) Or, in the original Italian (ALL GROANING) (SPEAKING ITALIAN) (ALL MAKING FARTING NOISES) You guys are right.
I'm totally overreacting to this whole Robin thing.
What's this envelope? Is this a wedding invitation? Robin's marrying Don! I'm gonna die alone! Ted's gonna get eaten by cats! Dude, relax.
It's for Marissa Heller.
Marissa Heller? She sounds hot.
Face, boobs, describe.
Start with boobs.
OLDER TED: Who was Marissa Heller? That mystery began when Marshall and I first moved in together.
Ted, we got our first mail delivery! We are popular.
We've got a golf magazine for Marissa Heller.
We got a wicker furniture catalog, also for Marissa Heller.
And a coupon for a bird store addressed to Marissa Heller, or, stay with me, "current occupant.
" That's us! We've got mail! Fantastic! Marissa Heller? She must be the woman who lived here before us.
I wonder what she was like.
OLDER TED: And just like that, a picture began to take shape.
(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING) A picture of Marissa Heller, the golfer.
Marissa Heller, the wicker catalog shopper.
And Marissa Heller, the bird owner.
And since then, with each piece of mail we've gotten, the picture's become a little clearer.
The only thing we don't know is what she looks like.
Well, I guess I'll forward this along like I've been forwarding along - all the other Okay.
- Oh, just open it.
It's an invitation to Jefferson Van Smoot's Annual Spring Social this Saturday night, in the penthouse apartment of the Alberta! You guys, that's the most beautiful building in Manhattan.
We gotta go to this party.
That depends.
Does it say anything on that invitation about robots battling wrestlers for intergalactic supremacy? - No.
But it says open bar.
- Revised agenda for Saturday night.
Free booze at Marissa Heller's party, then Robots vs.
Wrestlers.
One of us just needs to pretend to be Marissa Heller.
(LAUGHS) Oh, guys, I'm flattered.
But I think Lily should do it.
OLDER TED: So the big night arrived.
Our first stop, the Alberta building.
Wow! This building is amazing! Did you guys see the porte cochere and the terracotta spandrels outside? Oh, my God! Look, I just got a text from Robin.
It says (MAKES FARTING NOISE) Okay, guys, huddle up.
Now, Lil, you can do this.
All you have to do is look that guy in the eyes, say your name is Marissa Heller, and we are golden.
And again, just so we're clear, no accent.
Are we sure she's not British, innit? - ALL: No! - No! All right.
Here I go.
I'm doing this.
- Hi.
- Hello.
Sorry.
Go ahead.
I'm here for the Van Smoot party.
My name is Marissa Heller.
Bollocks.
So that's Marissa Heller, huh.
She fine.
Her teeth look really nice.
She must be remembering to go to the dentist even without those reminder postcards.
So, what are we doing? I'm getting us into the party, that's what.
Marissa Heller! Barney Stinson.
We met at that gathering for bird owners.
I don't think so.
- Wicker lovers? - No.
Stinson out.
- Guys, it's not gonna happen.
- I got this.
You know, this elevator still uses the same mechanism from when it was first installed in 1906.
Rumor is, Louis Lamar Skullnick, the architect who designed this building, carved these panels himself.
- Oh! A Skullnick fan? - Well I love his juxtaposition between the North German Renaissance exterior And the decidedly French influence on the inside.
I know! He was an architect with the soul of a poet, really.
No, no, no, don't, don't.
It's working.
You know, I have a confession to make.
We're not on the guest list.
But I've always wanted to see the inside of the Alberta.
(ELEVATOR DINGS) Well, then, right this way.
We're all together.
Told you I'd get us in.
So, anyone been watching The Young and the Restless? (GASPS) Awesome! Who ordered Soap Opera Illustrated? Huh.
Marissa Heller, I like your style.
Anyone? Am I to understand that there isn't a single soap opera fan in this entire elevator? Hmm? I don't own a TV.
The only operas I watch are at the MET.
Dibs.
(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) Oh! Excuse me.
Jefferson, darling! Wow, I am not dressed for this.
One word, made up.
Douche-pocalypse.
Guys, that's Peter Bogdanovich talking to Arianna Huffington and Will Shortz, editor of the New York Times crossword! Look, let's give this party a chance, okay.
There's free food, free booze.
Twenty minutes, then we can leave.
But you see, music was changing, and Giovanni Artusi simply didn't understand the new style of composing.
Excuse me.
Are you talking about Monteverdi and his fourth book of madrigals? My dear chap, what else? That's my favorite book of madrigals! Smoked foie gras with caramelized mango and creme fraîche? Hey, hey, guy.
You have anything in the mini-cheeseburger department? I don't think so, sir.
No.
Mini-pizzas? Little cups of fries? Any food at all that'll make me feel like a giant? I'll check, sir.
He's not gonna check.
I'm performing open heart surgery on the Dutch ambassador in the morning.
I hope he pulls through.
Really? A colleague of mine just prescribed Coumadin to the Dutch ambassador.
And there's no way she'd be on anticoagulants if she were about to undergo surgery.
Just Okay.
You know who published a great article on Walt Whitman and the politics of semantics? Professor Hammersmith of Oxford.
I am Professor Hammersmith.
What? Which is exactly what Truffaut was talking about in his 1954 article in Cahiers du cinéma.
Film is an auteur's medium, full stop.
(LAUGHING) Movies.
Right? Actors.
Willem Dafoe.
Funny thing about Willem Dafoe.
His name kind of sounds like a frog talking to a parrot.
Willem.
Dafoe! Willem.
Dafoe! No? As Under Secretary of the Treasury, I had a big hand in crafting that legislation.
Now, I wonder if you'd like to join me in the map room, and give my package some stimulus.
I'm afraid, my darling, you're too old for my taste.
Hey, Zsa Zsa Gabor is still looking pretty hot, but otherwise, this party sucks.
Yeah, well, we gave it a chance.
It's been 20 minutes.
- Let's get out of here.
Where's Ted? - Yeah.
I know how to find him.
Just give me one minute.
(CLEARING THROAT) Gongs, right? They're louder than you think.
Young man, that gong is a 500-year-old relic that hasn't been struck since W.
S.
Gilbert hit it at the London premiere of The Mikado in 1885.
Ooh.
His wife's a 500-year-old relic that hasn't been struck since W.
S.
Gilbert hit it at the London premiere of The Mikado in 1885.
Guys, guys, guys, guys, Will Shortz! Editor of the Times crossword! You know how I've been saying, "They always use Ulee from Ulee's Gold "because of the vowels"? Well, tell them, Will, tell them.
- Because of the vowels.
- It's because of the vowels! Wow.
Ted, can I talk to you just for a second? Hey, Will.
Ten-letter word for diminutive egg-based torte? - Mini-quiche? Where? - Right there.
Such a great party! Such a great party! Yeah, totally.
Ted, it's time to go.
It's Robots vs.
Wrestlers o'clock! Oh.
Ted? There you are.
We'll be blind taste testing French whites in a bit.
It should be a hoot and a half.
Well, I decant miss that.
(BOTH LAUGHING) I know, you don't have to say it.
You don't decant white wine.
Miss Lily, in the living room, with the candlestick.
JEFFERSON: Oh, my heavens, no! That was Edgar Allan Poe's! Sorry.
Guys, listen.
I'm having fun here, so I think I'm gonna skip Robots vs.
Wrestlers.
(GASPING) But, Ted, you've never missed Robots vs.
Wrestlers.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no Ted, this isn't happening.
First, Robin ditches us and now you! And for these stuffy, pretentious snoots! Actually, I kind of like these stuffy, pretentious snoots.
They don't make fart noises every time I open my mouth.
Well, look, I'm gonna stay.
I'll see you guys tomorrow.
- Yeah, come on, Barney.
It's just one night.
- It doesn't mean anything.
Oh! It means everything.
Ted, if you don't come to Robots vs.
Wrestlers, it's the end of our friendship.
I'll see you guys tomorrow.
Fine.
Then you are out of our gang forever.
You can re-apply in two years.
Marshall, Lily.
Let's go watch wrestlers fight robots.
So embarrassing.
I forgot something.
So, Ted, where did those chums of yours scoot off to? Oh! You know, a poetry reading.
(HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYING) Best tradition ever.
Don't humor me, Marshall.
Let's face it, the gang is over.
Ted's gone, Robin's gone.
We might as well just go our separate ways.
God, Barney, enough with the abandonment issues.
Ted's allowed to have a life outside of the group.
We all are.
Wait a minute.
Why are you saying that all of a sudden? - Oh, God, you're pregnant! - No! Oh, God, you already had the baby! It's right behind me, isn't it? No, you idiot.
It's just Eventually, we're all gonna move on.
It's called growing up.
ROBOT: Is that all you got, bitch? But can you at least promise me that you won't get pregnant for another year? Can't make that promise.
- You can't? - You can't? (ALL CHEERING) Mmm.
Citrus and honeycomb flavors with crisp acidity.
It's a Sauv blanc, Loire Valley.
Town of Sancerre.
(SIGHS) Correct again! Bravo, boy.
(CHUCKLING) No, you can't have kids! You don't want to bring a child into this crazy, messed up world.
I don't know.
The world seems pretty awesome right now, Barney.
(ROBOT WHIRRING) Okay, Lily, you leave me no choice.
If you have a daughter, the day, nay, the minute she turns 18, gong! Oh, God! But, Lily, Lily, babies.
(COOING) I hope Ted is miserable right now.
ALL: (SINGING) Constance Fry Constance Fry Anytime you call Constance will fulfill your needs Winter, spring or fall Ted, your lyric baritone is outstanding.
Thank you, Will Shortz.
Fine, you guys can have a baby, but only under these conditions.
One, you promise to always love me more than the baby.
Two, once a month I get to use the baby to pick up chicks.
Three, that may involve the baby falling from a two-story window and me heroically catching it.
Four, no breast-feeding in front of me.
Five, forget about four.
You can whip them out whenever you want.
(IMITATES WHIP) OLDER TED: And then, something amazing happened.
(WRESTLER GRUNTING) (LILY GASPING) - Holy crap! - I don't believe it! (EX CLAIMING) Well, of course, hell is an interesting concept, isn't it? I've always loved to imagine it as Dante did in The Divine Comedy.
If you'll allow me.
In the original Italian.
(SPEAKING ITALIAN) TED: I can't believe this.
I'm reciting The Divine Comedy in its original Italian, and nobody's making fart noises! Wow, this is weird.
I've never gotten this far.
You know, I actually sound kind of douchey.
My God.
I'm out of control.
Listen to me.
I'm completely unleashed.
I'm the biggest douche on the planet.
(TED CONTINUES SPEAKING ITALIAN) I wish somebody would stop me.
OLDER TED: And then, somebody did.
(CELL PHONE BEEPING) (EX CUSES HIMSELF IN ITALIAN) OLDER TED: Kids, I think I told you how earlier that year we had seen some doppelgangers of ourselves around town.
There was Lesbian Robin.
(SPITTING) (LILY LAUGHING) There was Mustache Marshall.
And, of course, Stripper Lily.
Well, that night, one more doppelganger surfaced.
Mexican Wrestler Ted.
(SPEAKING SPANISH) (ALL CHEERING) (METALLIC CLANGING) (EX CLAIMING) I gotta go.
(DRUNKENLY) Rule number 83, if anything that comes out of that baby gets on one of my suits, I get to touch Lily's boobs.
Dude, what is it with you and my wife's boobs tonight? Hey, hey! I don't make the rules.
Baby, are you really starting to think about this? I don't know.
Well, maybe a little.
Okay.
Well, for whatever it's worth, I think that we're ready.
You know, look, we love each other, we're financially stable and honestly, I don't think it would change our lifestyle all that much.
OLDER TED: Aunt Lily still likes to remind Uncle Marshall he once said this.
Marshall, if we were at home with a baby tonight, we never would've seen Ted's doppelganger.
Imagine missing that.
How would that feel? I would blame that child for the rest of his life.
Exactly.
For the rest of her life.
Okay, you're right.
There's no hurry.
Okay, how about this? We agree there's no sense in having a baby until we've seen all five doppelgangers, right? Of course.
Stands to reason.
Okay, so, when we finally see Barney's doppelganger, that's the universe telling us it's go time, and that's when we'll start trying.
Deal? Deal.
Hey, guys.
Well, well.
Look who thinks he can just waltz in here, and be part of the gang again.
Well, you can forget it.
- Listen, Barney, I - Please be part of the gang again! I don't wanna lose anyone else! We're all really sorry.
We'll even let you recite all the douchey poems you want, and we'll never, never say a bad thing about it.
I promise.
Really? Because there actually is a poem I'd like to recite.
Friendship, by Ralph Waldo Emerson.
"A ruddy drop of manly blood The surging sea outweighs "The world uncertain comes and goes" (MAKES FARTING NOISE) I'm sorry.
Someone had to do that.
Who wants another drink? I'm buying.
OLDER TED: Kids, I'd love to tell you that over the years, we didn't all drift apart a little at one time or another.
You don't mean for it to happen, but it does.
But no matter what, to this day, come hell or high water, we still all get together every year for Robots vs.
Wrestlers.
Good night.
Thanks a lot.
I had a great time.
Willem.
Dafoe! Willem.
Dafoe! Willem.
Dafoe! (CHUCKLING)