How I Met Your Mother s07e17 Episode Script

No Pressure

NARRATOR: Kids, I'll never forget the first time I told your mother I loved her.
It was a rainy day in New York.
We just had a horrible lunch.
The movie we wanted to see was sold out, and I just looked at her and said, "I love you.
" It was a big deal for me.
I hadn't said that to a girl since I love you, Robin.
I'm serious.
Do you remember why we broke up in the first place? We asked each other, "Where do you want to be in five years?" And our answers were just too different.
Well, it's five years later, and where are we? Standing on the roof where I kissed you for the first time.
I know this is a lot to process, so no pressure here.
Just what do you think? You know what? You're exhausted, it's late.
Let's just go to sleep.
Well, good night.
TED (to self): What the hell was that? Okay, I can fix this.
I-I was just temporarily insane because of my Lyme disease, which I got on a camping trip that I didn't tell her about because I go camping in secret.
Or I could say, "I'm sorry, we're great as friends.
Let's just forget I ever said anything.
" Yeah, that's probably better.
Okay, here goes.
(sighs) I go camping in secret.
Wow, Ted, I wow, okay.
You got to give me a minute here.
This time yesterday, I was in Vermont engaged to another man.
I mean, it's been 24 hours of emotional mayhem, and, and the day is still not over.
I mean, I swear to God, if there's any more surprises, I'm gonna hit someone! (knocking) (speaking Russian) comrade.
That means, "Hello, coworker.
" You ready for our trip to Mother Russia? NARRATOR: Oh, yeah, Aunt Robin was thrilled World Wide News asked her to go to Moscow to cover Maslenitsa.
She was less thrilled to discover Maslenitsa is the city's annual butter festival.
Even worse, she'd spend an entire week with all those buttery Russians and her archenemy Patrice.
Uh, our flight leaves at 9:00 p.
, not a.
God Patrice! But, Robin, the schedule says 9:00 a.
and my ticket says 9:00 a.
and all the e-mail reminders said 9:00 a.
and our boss in the car downstairs said Okay, Patrice, I get it! Oh, no! Pair of pants coming in hot! Noise-canceling headphones.
Oh, I don't need 'em.
It's a ten-hour flight and your sitting next to Patrice.
Oh, God, where's my cough syrup? You're gonna make it.
I'll bring your bag down.
Where are my shoes? Where are my shoes?! Don't worry.
It's fine.
And look, about all this Just go.
Why didn't I kiss her? We'll continue this when I get back.
(phone rings) Hello.
I know it's early, but can you meet me at the bar right now, alone? I'm on my way.
I got to meet Ted at the bar.
It's 7:00 a.
Man, Ted really needs to work on his boundaries.
Shh, guys, seriously.
(gasps) (both scream) Why are you in our bed? I took the drunk train and got stuck out here.
Oh, God, I am so hungover.
Oh, God, Lily's not wearing a bra! Shh! Bye, baby.
Do you think? Okay, I already know I don't want to hear this.
Do you think that if we did it Yeah, I was right.
I don't want to hear this.
and I did a really good job Please leave.
that I could turn that into my baby? I think I'm gonna throw up.
Morning sickness? No.
It's crazy, right? Are you shocked? No, I'm not shocked.
You're in love with Robin.
Do you remember back at Christmas when she was upset, you didn't even know why, and you spent eight hours setting up Christmas lights in the apartment just to cheer her up.
That was a platonic friend thing.
A platonic friend thing? Really? Ted, let me ask you a question.
Would you have done that for me? You probably would have.
You're such a good friend, Ted.
You, too, buddy.
I'm going into the city.
Just, while I'm gone, don't go snooping around in our stuff.
I know you think we have a sex tape hidden somewhere, so I'll save you the trouble.
We don't.
Here's that moment from Barney's perspective.
(garbled voice) We have a sex tape hidden somewhere.
(garbled voice) Challenge accepted.
Robin again? Why does everyone keep going after Robin? How come no one ever takes a run at me? Barney hits on you every day.
Yeah, but he just wants to bang me.
I want something real.
I know, babe.
(over phone): Double A Cleaning.
Consuela, it's Barney.
I need you and the girls for the afternoon.
Of course, right away, Mr.
Are you at home now? No, I'm at a house on Long Island.
I'll text you the details.
It's a big job.
The place has been ransacked.
We'll get right on it.
Thanks, Consuela, you're the best.
Ted, I know you're ready to go with this whole you-and-Robin thing, but is she ready to go? Is she ready to go? Um (sultry): Mmm, we'll continue this when I get back.
So Are you sure that it wasn't? We'll continue this when I get back.
What?! No! Damn it, Lily, why are you rooting against me? I'm not rooting against you.
Yes, you are.
No, I'm not.
Yes, she was.
You see, at that very moment "Long-term bets"? (reading) Hmm.
My God! They're placing bets on our lives.
And I'm sorry, Ted cannot pull off bald.
You know Ted.
I'm right about this.
(laughs) Ted, I'm your best friend.
Why would I root against you? Lily bets Marshall that Ted and Robin won't end up together.
NARRATOR: That's why.
NARRATOR: So, Lily was betting against me and Robin.
I just didn't know it.
Okay, you want to make it work with Robin? You need to stay on her radar.
Call her right now.
She's on the plane.
Her phone's off.
(gasps) Oh, my God! How adorable would it be if when the plane lands, she turns on her phone and her mailbox is full of messages from you?! (squeals) Ted, don't leave her any voice mails.
Why not? Because Because you need to go to Russia.
(gasps) With love! Surprise her.
Make the-- in no way creepy-- grand romantic gesture that we all know Robin loves.
Oh! So I just walk up to her in Red Square with a dozen roses? Or float down to her in my hot air balloon with ten dozen roses! Yes, that's perfect! Not like this, Lily.
Not like this.
If you'll excuse me, I've got some sonnets to write.
Stay put, Ted.
You're gonna want to hear this.
Guys, what's this? NARRATOR: And Marshall and Lily explained.
It all started ten years earlier.
They had been looking for a new hobby they could do as a couple.
I already missed the beginner's lesson.
Maybe I shouldn't even go.
Ah, screw it.
I've seen the Olympics.
I know what I'm doing.
I'm going skiing, bitches! (loud crashing) He's gonna break his leg.
He's not gonna break his leg.
"Lily bets Marshall that Ted will break his leg skiing.
" You would be amazed.
People fall off ski lifts all the time.
Well, I gotta hit the head.
(grunts) Well, he didn't break his leg.
Yeah, I gotta say that, um, making money off this bet just makes me feel More alive than you've felt in years? Yes! New hobby! (both yelling) We need a cash box, some glitter and some glue! You've been betting on us? Like we're a couple of hobos fighting over a sandwich in some psycho preppy kid's backyard? No, this is just what happens in marriage.
You get bored.
You run out of things to do.
We were making models.
You single people are out there with the drinking and the sleeping around Model airplanes.
The grinding and the bumping and the hot sweaty bodies.
with little propellers that spin.
Oh, this one looks interesting.
Lily, I thought you said you wanted to.
It was your idea.
I starved myself for a week to get camera-ready.
You had a bear claw for breakfast.
Yeah, a bear claw.
I-I changed my mind.
I-I just don't want Barney to see us doing it.
Barney is never gonna see this.
Oh, come on.
It's Barney.
Eventually, somehow he's gonna see it.
Want to bet? So there really is a sex tape.
Anyhoozles, just long-term bets, just a silly thing we do.
What about you, Ted? Your hair's looking good.
"Lily bets Marshall that Ted and Robin won't end up together.
" Wow.
So now it's becoming clear why you've been trying to sabotage my future happiness.
To win a bet.
Come on, Ted.
We made that bet so long ago.
And boy, it's been a real nail-biter.
Ted and Stella got engaged.
Pay up.
Not yet.
We are driving to the wedding.
Pay up.
Not yet.
We are at the wedding.
Pay up.
Not yet.
Damn it.
I can't believe you guys! I got left at the alter, and all you cared about was some stupid bet? I never stopped rooting for you, but I Ted, I'm not rooting against you.
I just don't think Robin's the girl you marry.
That's why I made the stupid bet to begin with.
I mean, yes, it's five years later, and you haven't settled down with anyone else, but you haven't settled down with Robin, either.
There must be a reason for that.
What's standing in the way? (frustrated muttering) God if you help me find this sex tape, I am going to make some changes in my life.
I am going to stop sleeping around, quit drinking so much, no more shenanigans.
I am going to devote my entire life to doing good deeds, and praising your name.
Is this what you're looking for, Mr.
Barney? Never mind, bro.
Found it.
I found it! Sweet glory hallelujah, I found it, Ted.
You're the only idiot I know who still owns a VCR, so you are the lucky winner of the "Who gets to sit next to me and watch our best friends go bananas all over each other"" sweepstakes.
To the outdated viewing device! NARRATOR: And then I realized why Robin and I hadn't gotten back together in the last five years.
Oh, my God.
Robin's in love with you.
I can't believe I didn't see it before.
Robin is in love with you.
No, she's not.
Trust me.
Yes, she is.
Something happened between you guys.
That's why you broke up with Nora.
That night, I saw you in her room, there were rose petals, candles You saw that? Well, then, maybe you also saw those rose petals and candles going into a garbage bag.
NARRATOR: And then Barney told me everything.
How he and Robin hooked up.
How he broke up with Nora to be with her.
How he thought she would do the same for him.
How she broke his heart.
She chose Kevin.
It hurt, but I guess they're in love.
They broke up last night.
Anyway, let's make our own bets about this sex tape.
I've got Marshall with a surprise piercing at five-to-one odds, Lily with a landing strip, ten-to-one, Marshall with a landing strip, even money.
I don't believe this.
You were in love with Robin, you find out she's single, and your reaction is "Bummer"? What do you want me to say, Ted? Whatever I thought was there, she thought differently.
So no, I don't care that Robin is single again.
So if Robin started dating someone else, you wouldn't mind? Nope.
Even if that somebody else was me? Even if that somebody else was you.
Really? Really.
Hey, bros before hos, right? No matter how mad she made me, Robin's still my bro.
And if, uh, you make her happy, then that makes me happy.
Barney, you've really grown up, you know that? Thanks.
Now let's watch our two best friends have sex on tape.
I'll make the popcorn.
(Barney giggles) Don't watch that tape! Watch that tape! Well, sorry, I just really want to win the bet.
And here we go.
Okay, fine, Barney.
Watch our dirty little home movie, but be forewarned, at about the one minute mark, you're going to see me make this face.
Oh, God, that's the face you made the day we rode motorcycles.
You really want to see that? A-and do you want to hear me go, uh (bleating grunts) (gags) (bleating grunting) It can't sound like that.
It can't.
I know that noise, I've heard it through the walls.
I thought the neighbors had a sick cat.
Okay, but, Barney, just remember, you'll also be seeing a lot of this: Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
It's this, but I'm not pregnant.
My skin is loose, like an elephant.
My boobs are perky and plump.
I slobber like a confused old dog.
I slap my own ass.
I slap my own ass! (yells) Barney that was my VCR.
Ted it was a VCR.
A week later, I picked Robin up at the airport.
And took her out to dinner at her favorite restaurant.
And by the end of the night, one thing had become clear: It's not going to happen, is it? (sighs) I'm sorry.
It's because of Barney.
What? No.
Barney and I we No.
It's just You know, things have just been so crazy lately.
Everything in my life is unstable.
I mean, you're one of the few things that I can count on.
And I really don't want to mess that up.
We-we we still have our deal, right? If we're both still single when we're 40? Yeah.
Look I'm sorry.
I-I can't do that anymore.
As long as the door is even a little bit open, I have this feeling that I'll just be waiting around to see if I win the lottery when you turn 40.
I think you know how you feel about me now, and I don't think time's going to change that.
Just tell me.
Do you love me? No.
(sighs) I'm sorry.
We're great as friends.
Let's just (clears throat) Let's just forget I ever said anything.
(sighs) Bar.
It's just a bump in the road.
You guys are meant to be together.
You can't give up.
You i-it can still happen.
Marshall What about the hot air balloon thing, with the ten dozen roses? And how's the sonnet coming, buddy? Dude.
You bet on the wrong horse.
Let it go.
Believe it or not, I'm happy about this.
I'm I can finally move on.
This is a good thing.
Hey, Robin.
Oh, hey.
Uh, look, before I forget, here's Lily's hairdryer.
I borrowed it, like, a million years ago.
Yeah, you can keep that.
Um Hey, listen, Ted told me what happened with you guys, and he says that he's at peace with it.
Oh, really? That's good.
He's lying, Robin.
He's trying to be strong, but it's killing him, and so, as his best friend, I have to say something that he loves you just way too much to say.
You gotta move out.
I know.
And all of the ghouls come out to play And every demon wants his pound of flesh But I like to keep some things to myself I like to keep my issues strong It's always darkest before the dawn And I've been a fool and I've been blind I can never leave the past behind I can see no way I can see no way I'm always dragging that horse around NARRATOR: Here's the funny thing: In my own crazy way, I was kind of happy.
For the first time in years, there was no little part of me clinging to the dream of being with Robin.
Which meant, for the first time in years, the world was wide open.
Because, kids when a door closes, well Shake it out, shake it out you know the rest.
And it's hard to dance With a devil on your back So shake him off Oh, whoa LILY: For Ted's sake, I hate to say this, but pay up.
Not yet.