How I Met Your Mother s08e07 Episode Script

The Stamp Tramp

Guys, I'm going through something kinda hard.
Since Quinn and I broke up, she's gone back to dancing at The Lusty Leopard, and it's just really tough because 'Cause you have to find a new strip club? I have to find a new strip club! I've been going to The Lusty Leopard for seven years.
Wow.
That's like Sixty-nine.
Self-five.
Look without my open wallet, The Lusty Leopard would be nothing.
Thanks to me, they've been able to expand and take over that soup kitchen next door.
Now I'm a free agent, and all the strip clubs are after me.
Mr.
Stinson, we might not have the best strippers at Moneyballs, but we use sabermetrics to get you a stripper with a five body, sure, and another with a butter face, but together, with their tireless grinding, we guarantee a high on-pants percentage.
I gotta be honest with you, Fred, I can't really see myself signing with the Golden Oldies.
Well, that's what everyone says at first.
But our GILFs have got class.
They've got maturity and experience, and the kind of mind-blowing flexibility that only comes from advanced hip dysplasia.
Barney, the Lusty Leopard would be lost without you.
I think you're really gonna like a couple of the girls we just pulled up from the minors.
Don't leave us! Wow, you're like the LeBron James of strip clubs.
Actually, you're probably tied with LeBron James for that title.
(scoffs) LeBron isn't all that.
The Cavs are doing great without him.
Yeah! Hey, guys, you will never believe who I ran into outside of work today.
It wasn't the guy handing out coupons in the hot dog costume, was it? Baby, there's no reason to be scared of him.
I'm not scared of him.
It's totally normal to see a hot dog with a face.
No, it was Brad, my old law school buddy.
I almost didn't recognize him.
Marshall? Brad?! Bro! Oh, hey! What a kick-ass day! I run into you, some sucker throws away most of a perfectly good hot dog kick-ass day! You still doing corporate law? I got downsized two years ago.
It's been rough.
Going through a little bit of a depresh.
But just today, boom! Huge job prospect.
Here's your application.
Just tell them I sent you.
I bet you could fit in the bratwurst.
Bratwurst with a face.
What'd I tell you? Looks like I'm about to be on a roll.
Sounds like that guy could use some help.
I know! That's why I said You know, I'm at Honeywell & Cootes, and they're looking to hire an associate.
I could totally recommend you.
(all groan) Leave the wounded behind! 'Cause Brad is an old friend who needs a job.
Why shouldn't I give him the old Marshall Eriksen Stamp of Approval? Marshall, you're a stamp tramp.
How dare you! And what is that?! You give your stamp of approval to everything.
It's become meaningless.
It's like when my mom likes a movie.
It just means Richard Dreyfuss is in it.
Marshall, you love everything and everyone.
It's-It's what I love about you, but it's also why your stamps are total crap.
Give me one example.
How about when you turned your boss into a fountain of bodily fluids? You guys like it? I'll be waiting for you in hell, Eriksen.
(vomits) (all groaning with disgust) In my defense, that restaurant's health rating had just gone from an "F" to a "D," and I wanted to reward that.
Marshall, you're already on thin ice with that horrible Honeywell guy.
Don't risk screwing things up more right before your biggest case ever.
Okay, Honeywell is not horrible, he just has a bad temper sometimes.
And he holds a grudge.
He's kind of defensive about his height.
And he's cheap.
And he made those secretaries cry.
But, deep down, he is a great guy.
Heck, he gets my stamp, too.
Stamp tramp.
Well, maybe this isn't the moment to stick your neck out for Brad.
Well, that's not how I was raised.
Back in St.
Cloud, we believe in people, people like Gudren Olsen, the town wino who became our mayor.
They even wound up naming a bridge after him.
The one he drove off.
Marshall, why can't you be more like your wife? Lily's stamp is gold.
I'm reading this book because of her.
(bell dings) I'm drinking this beer because she recommended it.
(bell dings) I'm even wearing this bra because of a lingerie store Lily told me about.
(bell dings twice) Uh, if anyone's got the golden stamp, it's old Teddy Westside over here.
Please.
You're a piggyback stamper.
How dare you! And what is that?! Allow us to demonstrate.
Lily? Hey, guys, I just found a great new sushi restaurant.
It's called Katsu yoku.
Katsuyoku.
My idea.
I'm Ted.
Nailed it.
Totally.
Okay, Ted, name one cool thing you've given your stamp to first Dr.
Berkowitz.
that isn't an ear, nose and throat doctor.
Man, these strip clubs want me so bad.
They're sending me T-shirts, beer cozies.
Sticky's even sent me a boob-shaped hand-sanitizer dispenser.
It's clean and dirty at the same time.
That's it? T-shirts and beer cozies? That's disrespect, son! Here's what you do: hit a few strip clubs in Jersey and Long Island.
Jersey? Long Island? Why would I go to a Third World nation to get my knob wobbled? Well, you wouldn't.
But when the clubs in the city hear you're sniffing around across the river, those beer cozies and T-shirts turn into Rolexes and fur coats.
Especially from that strip club, Fur Coats.
Wow.
That's genius.
You're hired.
What do you mean? I want you to be my strip club agent.
What is wrong with you? Well, I just figured I'd ask-- No, I was talking to myself, because, for some reason, I really want to do that! (laughs) Oh! Oh! What am I wearing? Just proof of a stamp I know I gave first, from a little band called Dishwalla.
Who? Dishwalla! Come on! They had that whole, "Tell Me All Your Thoughts on God" song.
ALL: Oh Look, I'm not saying they're my favorite band, but for a little while in college, we were all into that song, and it was all thanks to me.
But I turned you on to Dishwalla.
No way! I played them on my radio show.
I mean, pirate DJ Dr.
X played them on his beloved radio show.
We all know you were Dr.
X, Ted! And I'm the one who got us into that song.
No! No! On his beloved radio show, Dr.
X pointed out that the chorus went, "Tell me all your thoughts on God" 'Cause I really want to meet her.
Her.
God's a woman.
(mimics explosion) And it blew the minds of everyone listening to Dr.
X that night.
Which was pretty much everyone on campus including me.
I'm not Dr.
X.
Oh, so you're saying credit for the stamp goes to Dr.
X then, not you.
(exhales) Okay I'm gonna tell you guys something right now.
Take a sip.
Follow my lead.
(exhales) I'm Dr.
X.
ALL: No! I hope this works out, bro.
I couldn't even get my leg in that bratwurst outfit.
Don't be nervous.
Honeywell is gonna love you.
Sweet! Freebie muff-tops! Can I pour you a pocket of coffee? I didn't say you were fat.
I said that dress makes you look fat! Idiot! Hey! You must be Brad! I'm excited to meet the man Eriksen's been talking up all week.
Mr.
Honeywell, I have to say, your environmental work is amazing.
(bell dings) Come on, it's not like I'm saving the world.
Oh, wait, yes, I am! (both laugh) Great.
Marshall tells me you have the big Gruber Pharmaceutical trial coming up.
I'd love to give you my thoughts on the case, but I can't take full credit.
Most of these are from my psychic.
My psychic always pushes for a settlement.
But my numerologist says roll the dice with the jury.
I'm waiting for my astrologist to weigh in, but he can be kind of flaky.
You know, Cancer.
Should know more after he's back from chemo.
(bell dings) Good luck, bro! You know the best part about you challenging me on Dishwalla? Didn't challenge you, don't care.
It made me dig up my old video diaries from freshman year.
And somewhere in here there's gonna be proof that I am not a piggyback stamper.
I have my own original ideas.
Didn't you only do the video diaries because of Winona Ryder in Reality Bites? No.
I don't know what you're talk-- shut up.
Let's just watch.
How do you even know there's gonna be mention of Dishwalla on those tapes? I don't.
And it may take me days to go through them all, but that is how committed I am to the truth.
LILY: Hey, you guys should check out that song by the band Dishwalla.
TED: Really? I've never heard of them.
Damn it! So? Bottom line, Vito: a lot of strip clubs are into my client.
If you want the Melon Patch to be in the mix, we're gonna need bigger melons and smaller patches.
Otherwise, your establishment is not where Barney Stinson is gonna pitch his tent.
(chuckles) B-Dawg, Barn Door, Stinson-natti, Bro-hio! Talk to me.
How's it hangin'? You are killing it at this agent thing! I just got a big box at Yankee Stadium from the ladies at The Big Box.
Mm-hmm.
One question: Golden Oldies just sent me a fax machine and a Charo calendar.
Mm-hmm.
Aren't they out of the running? Yeah, but those old bitches don't need to know that.
Yeah, I just feel kind of bad.
They just spent eight grand on that wheelchair ramp up to the stage.
Hey, Larry, how's everything at the Beaver Dam? I don't even know that strip club.
Oh, it's not a club.
My cousin Larry is a forest ranger in Squamish.
Oh, yeah? Then I was fired from Bed Bath & Beyond for telling inappropriate jokes.
I mean get a sense of humor, LaShonda.
You know how "they" are.
"They" meaning Bed Bath & Beyond employees, right? Hmm? No.
Women.
That still could have been worse.
Thank God I ran into Marshall.
This guy's supportive as balls.
And here I am.
Yes, we both owe Marshall a debt of gratitude for getting you this interview.
Eriksen can I see you outside? Sure.
Good.
Try to stay out there a few minutes.
I just cut one, and I can tell it's gonna be a slow burn.
(clears throat) TED: What is Generation X? What does the X in "Generation X" stand for? What do we stand for? Why aren't people on campus talking about this? Maybe you should do a radio show and call yourself Dr.
X.
(laughing) I just had an amazing idea.
(groans) Just turn it off! I can't look away.
Oh, God, no.
Oh, God, I'm putting on a beret.
You were there.
Why didn't you tell me that looked stupid? LILY: Ted, that beret looks stupid.
TED (French accent): I look magnifique ! Marshall, that man is the human equivalent of what came out of my body after eating that soup you recommended! This guy's your friend? Really more of an acquaintance than a friend.
(bell dings) No backpedaling.
You're Marshall Eriksen.
You believe in people.
You know what Brad hasn't told you? He was third in our class at Columbia.
That is impressive.
And I suppose he did warn us about the fart.
He's a great guy.
Please give him just one more chance.
Two more minutes.
(bell dings) I'm proud of you.
I'm proud of you for being proud of me.
(light ding) You went undergrad to Holy Cross? That's my alma mater.
I went there on a basketball scholarship.
No way.
I played center.
(scoffs) Uh-oh.
Why is that so shocking? 'Cause you're, like, an itty-bitty fella.
Hey, uh, fish, huh? Fish are crazy, right? You guys ever think about fish? I am six-foot one, sir.
Bro, I'm at least a foot taller than you.
Well, then I guess that makes you a freakish seven-foot one.
What do you call fish with no eyes? "Fsh.
" I am six-feet and one inch, and I'll prove it.
(snaps fingers) Eriksen.
How tall are you? Seven feet.
So, we've got a deal somewhere? We sure do.
You are the new face of-- and exclusive customer to Golden Oldies! What?! I thought we ruled them out! (high-pitched): I don't remember that! Now let's go.
It is 4:00, and their dinner show starts in ten minutes.
Wait a minute.
Oh Is that a Rolex? Huh.
What do you know? How did that get there? Anyway, uh, so initial here and Where'd you get the bling, Robin? Uh They bribed you.
They bribed you! Why else would you pick a place where the strippers say they're trying to put their grandkids through college?! Please leave! Barney, I can explain, okay? Please leave.
Say it, you giant beast! Say I'm six-one! Maybe if you stood on top of that pot of gold you have at the end of your rainbow.
You know something?! You're nothing but a a tree man! I never want to see you again, tree man! Fine.
I have to go to the little boys' room.
Not your office.
I need to take a dump.
If that's the type of guy you vouch for, I can't trust your judgment.
You're off the Gruber Pharmaceutical case.
No Oh, good, we're up to the time I got my ear pierced.
(on video): Do it, do it, do it, do it.
Don't do it! Don't do it! Don't, don't.
Okay, do it now.
Do, do, do it, do it.
Don't, don't do it! Don't do it! Don't do it! Don't! Yes, you can do this.
You can That goes on for 45 minutes.
Hey how was work, baby? Remember how I always wanted to know what it was like to be a ghost? Well, I don't want that anymore.
Okay, suppose we lead with the carbon testing of the residue water.
How do we keep the jury engaged? Anyone? You could bring up the survey from Dr.
Pasquesi's testimony.
Anyone? Anyone who isn't dead to me? Then you have to earn Honeywell's trust back.
Just start small.
Put your stamp on little things that have nothing to do with work.
Like a funny video.
I, uh, I may have something.
TED: Don't think, Mosby! Do it now! Oh, my God, I'm doing it! Wow, he's a real bleeder! (bell dings) LILY: And then you build to something else small, like a tasty snack.
Don't sleep on the popcorn.
Try mixing the caramel and the cheese.
It shouldn't work, but it does.
There's no way caramel and cheese That's good! That is good.
Oh! (bell dings) LILY: And when Honeywell starts trusting your stamp again, he'll seek out your opinion on things.
Be honest, Eriksen.
Is this deep-V working? And that's when you lie your ass off.
Sir I think you could go even deeper.
(bell dings) And before you know it Eriksen, get in here.
you're back on the case.
Ted, why are you torturing yourself? None of us were our best in college.
Oh, my God, I love my hair there! I always thought I was this kid from suburban Ohio who had this innate sense of judgment and taste and just showed up to college and wowed everyone.
Now I have concrete proof that I wasn't.
I was a total gomer.
Maybe I still am.
Wait-- that's the giant suit Marshall wore on our third date.
TED (on video): So Marshall Eriksen, you just came back from your third date with Lily.
How was it? Great, yeah.
I just I think I'm falling for this girl pretty hard.
But is everything happening too fast? I mean, maybe I should see other people.
Whoa, dude, no! Lily Aldrin is special.
You hold on to that girl.
MARSHALL: She is.
I'm only 18 and Marshall, you being 18 isn't a bad thing.
It just means you get to spend even more of your life with her.
I mean, I'm probably not gonna meet my wife until I'm, like, 23.
You're right.
What am I thinking? I'm in love with this girl.
Ted, oh, my God.
You gave me the ultimate stamp.
And in my whole life, this life it all goes back to that moment.
TED (on video): I mean, maybe take a month off, bang a couple chicks.
Lily's not going anywhere.
Hey, Barney.
Hey.
Um, look, I'm sorry about the whole skimming-off-the-top- of-the-strip-club-swag thing.
Hey, it happens to everybody.
Really? Because even as I said those words, they did not feel like a real thing.
Hey, look, wherever you end up, can I have the dubious honor of buying you your first lap dance? It's a date.
Ladies and gentlemen, it's time for "The Decision.
" (boombox plays fanfare) Yeah.
Ladies, my bro-dium? Yeah.
(chuckles) Look at this! Man, this whole free agent experience, it's been an unbelievable experience, a real humbling experience.
First of all, The Lusty Leopard is where I developed my game.
Oh (voice breaks): I have nothing but the utmost respect for you skanks.
He's just gonna stay at The Lusty Leopard.
They have loyalty and heart.
I bet you he rewards that.
LeBron moved on, Ted.
So should you.
But Barney Stinson has to do what's right for Barney Stinson's penis.
In this fall This is tough.
Um in this fall I'm going to take my talents to Mouth Beach.
NARRATOR: The next day, Uncle Marshall went to court for the biggest case of his life.
Hey, Marshall! Bilbo! Brad? What are you? Did you just get hired by Gruber Pharmaceutical's legal team? Oh, not just.
I've been working for them for two years.
I heard about the job opening at Honeywell & Cootes and knew that if I hung out in front of your office and pretended to be down on my luck, you'd take pity on me, get me an interview Try to stay out there a few minutes.
I just cut one, and I can tell it's gonna be a slow burn.
and buy some alone time in the conference room.
I got your firm's strategy for the case.
Muchas gracias, bro-migo.
He's really more of an acquaintance than a bro-migo.
Win this case or you're fired, Eriksen.
NARRATOR: And so began the trial that would change the course of Marshall's career.
But we'll get to that.
Oh, you see?! This is what I miss about being single: cutting loose at a strip club, drinkin' some beers, seein' some boobs, getting thrown out for being "too handsy.
" You were a little out of control tonight.
You know, I really thought that that bouncer was bluffing with the Taser.
Man, everything's gonna taste like pennies for a week.
I had a fun time tonight, though.
Me, too.
I always have fun with you.
(chuckles) Whoa, whoa.
I-I've got to um We can't, we can't do this.
(stammers) This, this can't happen.
Uh, I've got to go.
What?