How I Met Your Mother s08e15 Episode Script

P.S. I Love You

Kids, sometimes when you're about to give up on your love life forever for the 17th time, destiny intervenes.
Instead of rushing in, I took my time to think up the perfect opening line.
Wait, no, damn it, come back! You're really You're pretty! And before I could call out after her, in any kind of embarrassing way that a bunch of teenagers made fun of for the next five stops while I stared straight ahead and pretended not to hear them, she was gone.
But here's the thing about Ted Mosby: he doesn't give up.
Stalker Ted alert.
Repeat, Stalker Ted alert.
Already has a yellow legal pad going.
Repeat, already has a yellow legal pad going.
I'm not stalking.
I just jotted down a few details to help me find her.
Uh, like the fact that her smile was cute, but a bit crooked, which can be a sign of teeth grinding.
So I called up the city's top five TMJ specialists, and here's where it gets interesting.
Not interesting, Ted, creepy.
Let her go.
No, this is destiny.
No, Ted, this is forcing it.
When Lily and I met, I mean, that was destiny.
She could've knocked on any door to find someone to fix her stereo, but she knocked on mine.
Now hand over the pad.
Ted And the backup pad.
They were right.
You can't force destiny.
If it's gonna happen, it's gonna happen.
And funny story, kids Oh, my God.
It's you.
it happened.
Subway Girl's name is Jeanette, and she does grind her teeth.
I assume that started the moment she met you? Uh, well, the fact is she wanted to find me.
The first thing I did was list out all the details I remembered about you.
Is is that a yellow legal pad? Yeah.
I've even got a backup.
Oh, my God.
You had a tweed blazer and chalk all over your hands, so I figured you were either a professor or a British gymnast.
I'm bloody good on the pommel 'orse.
Regrettin' this accent.
Can't seem to stop.
So then I asked the lady at the student center where I could find the youngest, cutest professor on staff.
And? She sent me to a physics class.
Professor Leyborne? I wonder if she'd think Dr.
Goodhair was so cute if she knew he hasn't been published in over a year? Then she sent me here, but the security guard wouldn't let me in without an ID.
I was about to give up when the fire alarm just sent you out.
It was like Destiny.
Right? Right? It's a meet-cute.
It's a stalk-crazy.
Look there's a fine line between love and insanity.
It's the Dobler-Dahmer theory.
Oh, no - Damn, I always forget the little one.
- All right.
If both people are into each other, a big romantic gesture works.
Like Lloyd Dobler holding up the boom box outside Diane Court's window in Say Anything.
But if one person isn't into the other, the same gesture comes off serial-killer crazy, or Dahmer.
Now, Marshall, the story of how you asked out Lily is super sweet.
Lily, how you thrill me But it may just even kill me If you do not say "I will-y" To this question Will you go out with me? I will-y.
But if Lily wasn't into you? Lily, how you thrill me But it might just even kill me If you do not say "I will-y" To this question Will you go out with me? Dahmer.
Whether a gesture's charming or alarming depends on how it's received.
And I was charmed by Jeanette finding me, hence she's a Dobler.
Don't you think it's a little convenient how that fire alarm happened to randomly go off? What are you saying? Ted, does she have enormous cans? No.
Then what we're saying is she's a crazy stalker bitch who pulled that fire alarm and you should run screaming.
You know what? I-I don't think that we should be so cavalier with the word "stalker.
" Why does that word bother you so much? Doesn't bother me.
Wait do you have a stalker? I don't want to talk about this.
What do you mean? As your fiancé, if you have some psycho stalker out there, I should know.
It was me.
I was a stalker.
It was back in Canada.
I liked a guy and he didn't like me, and well, I got a little obsessed.
I'd fill up my journals all about him, and eventually there may have been a teensy-weensy That's like four years.
You must have been a total nutbag.
I wasn't.
Ted is right, there is a fine line.
Anyone can cross it and get obsessed.
Yeah, if you're a total nutbag.
Now, uh who's the guy? I'm not telling you until you admit that this can happen to anybody.
I'm not admitting that.
Forget it.
I'm not telling you.
"You are so beautiful.
"Why can't you see me? "Someday, I'll make you see me "and we'll be together.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you, you, you.
" This is "ridikilus.
" Who cares who she was obsessed with? What, am I gonna go to Canada and track this guy down? Thankfully, unlike Uncle Barney, I wasn't the kind of guy to fixate on one little detail.
That fire alarm-- did you pull it? Ugh This is embarrassing.
I wasn't gonna tell you this, but I'd come so far, only to be sent packing by that security guard, and well I'm sorry.
I just couldn't stand the idea of not meeting you.
Could not stand the idea of not meeting me.
Was it a little over the top to pull that fire alarm? Perhaps.
But it charmed me.
Hence Dobler.
Aha! You see? People don't put fire alarms out in front lobbies for just anyone to prank pull.
They put smoke detectors up on the ceiling.
Hold on.
I'm beginning to think that you guys didn't come here to see my new lectern.
Are you implying Jeanette started a fire? Dahmer.
She's John Cusack, I'm Ione Skye, and there is nothing weird about that.
Gordie Bellavoh.
Thanks again for the free donuts, eh? So, you up here visiting family? No.
I'm not Canadian.
Not even a quarter Canadian on my father's side.
Shut up.
We're not talking "aboot" me-- about me.
How long did you and Robin date? Well, it wasn't really dating.
We'd take a sixer of Labatts behind the hydro plant and she'd let me go under her parka over turtleneck.
Summer love.
Was Robin obsessed with you? No.
Robin was way more into this guy named Turk Grimsby.
I hear Robin was obsessed with you? No.
We only went out a few times, barely knew each other.
All we talked about was her relationship with her mother, the gnawing feelings of inadequacy, all the horrible secrets on that side of the family.
But heck, you're her fiancé.
You know all that, right? Yeah.
Robin was way more into this other guy.
Can't seem to remember his name.
Though sometimes a powdered jelly can help get the old noodle going.
Ah His name's Simon Tremblay.
I should have known.
Thanks for the free donuts.
They're just donuts! Okay? They're like two for a loonie-- dollar.
What's happening? Oh, somebody moosed down all the jellies.
Have you been hanging out with Turk Grimsby? So how serious were you and Robin? Well, serious enough to pop the question.
Really? Yeah, sure.
Got down on one goalie pad, I said, "Robin, could we keep dating but I get to stick it to other babes?" Turned me down.
I'm so sorry.
Oh, that's okay.
I really wanted to stick it to Louise Marsh.
Still, as the years pass, and you take stock of your life, part of me wishes I could've kept sticking it to Robin, too.
So are you the one that Robin stalked? Oh, that story goes back to the 1996 Grey Cup.
What in God's name is that? Only Canada's Super Bowl.
Didn't you ever see Underneath the Tunes on MuchMusic? Again, I have to go with: what in God's name is that? It's only Canada's VH1 Behind the Music.
There's one all about Robin Sparkles.
Tells you the whole story from "A" to zed.
Are you gonna take your? Kids, relationships are built on trust.
So unlike Uncle Barney, I wasn't gonna keep digging and digging Did you start a fire? Ugh This is embarrassing.
I wasn't gonna tell you this, but I'd come so far, only to be sent packing by that security guard, and well I'm sorry.
I just couldn't stand the idea of not meeting you.
Could not stand the idea of not meeting me.
She set a fire, Ted! Dahmer.
You're just jealous 'cause Lily never burned anything for you.
Clearly you never tried her pot roast.
I actually brought this for something totally different, but it worked out, right? Okay, anyway, here's my thing.
Ladies and gentlemen, I have in my back pocket the answer to the question "Who was Robin obsessed with?" Hang on tight.
It's Robin Sparkles 4, y'all! With her jelly bracelets, graffiti coat, and totally rad robot, no one symbolized the 1990s in Canada like Robin Sparkles.
But as we'd all learn one heartbreaking Grey Cup Sunday, Canada's sweetheart had a dark side.
I'll never forget that moment.
A little piece of Canada died that day.
To see her throw her life away like that it was heartbreaking.
I am so happy right now.
I want to see her throw her life away so badly.
We're all terrible people-- turn it up.
Sparkles' hit records both went maple with "Mall" eventually going double maple.
I never admitted this till now, but before a big game, I'd listen to "Sand Castles in the Sand" and get a good cry on.
I'm not ashamed.
But after endless touring, Robin started to crack.
Who doesn't love the mall? Shopping with your friends and I can't do this.
Get this out of my face, please.
Thank you, pardon me, thanks, sorry.
Even when Canadians are mean, they're polite.
Her record producer Chuck "Chuck" Gerusi.
Robin Sparkles was big.
Gino Vannelli big, who I discovered by the way.
Robin's next song, "P.
I Love You," was so dark Dominant Records refused to release it.
Few have ever seen the long-lost music video, but we found it.
You, you're beautiful On your pedestal I see you You don't see me Am I just too young Or just too dumb Or maybe just too grungy And I'm wearing my flannel and I'm thinking of you I lace up my boots And I'm thinking of you This is the most of all time.
All it needs is a shirtless old man in black and white for no reason.
I'll never move on, it'll always be you Every guy that I'm with, I'll be thinking of you If I get married, he'll always be second to you That's got to feel good.
I'll always be waiting for you P.
I love you.
In 1996, we booked the halftime show for the Grey Cup.
Huge gig.
We're talking Ivor Wynne Stadium in Hamilton, just outside of Guelph.
It doesn't get any bigger than that.
Hello, Canada.
I'm Robin Sparkles.
Actually I was Robin Sparkles.
The whole stadium went silent.
Right then, I knew something terrible was gonna happen.
My stomach started churning.
But Robin Sparkles is dead.
All I could hear was Paul Shaffer's stomach growling.
Stress goes to my stomach-- sue me.
It was kind of disgusting.
I'm sorry, Jason Priestley, I didn't realize you were the Queen of England.
My new name is Robin Daggers! Two, three, four! You, you're beautiful That day is now known in music history as the day grunge was born.
In 1996, in Canada? That seems right, Trebek.
Give him a break, he's not a music guy.
That day is now known in music history as the day that grunge was born.
Well, that's a bummer.
It was tragic.
I mean, to this day, you ask any Canadian where they were when Robin Sparkles lost it, not only can they tell you which Tim Hortons they were in, but what donut they were eating.
Me? Wawa, Ontario.
Blueberry fritter.
Halifax, Nova Scotia.
Walnut crunch.
Victoriaville, Quebec.
Sour cream plain.
Sudbury, Ontario.
Honey dip.
Red Deer, Alberta.
Chocolate glaze.
Squamish, British Columbia.
Crammed a Timbit into a strawberry vanilla and invented The Priestley.
Should've been the best day of my life.
It was horrifying on so many levels.
Actually, you know what? I'm sorry, I can't I just can't talk about this.
I'm out of here, okay? I'm out of here.
Here, excuse me.
I'm sorry, will you take No, no, don't move, I'm out Sorry, sorry.
Speculation began immediately.
Who was Robin Sparkles singing about with those angry, obsessive lyrics? Many names were suggested.
It wasn't me.
It wasn't me.
Wasn't me.
It wasn't me.
It wasn't me.
It wasn't me.
Why does everyone always think it's me? I wish it was me.
But one name comes up more than any other.
Alan Thicke.
How can I help you? Donut? Whoa! Whoa.
What happened to you? We watched Robin Sparkles: Underneath the Tunes today.
Wait, what? You guys get MuchMusic down here? And that video lead me to I am engaged to Robin Scherbatsky, and I know that she wrote "P.
I Love You" for you.
Now-now, why is she so obsessed with you? What? That song's not about me.
Then who is it "aboot"-- about.
Damn it.
I don't know.
I always thought it was Coulier.
It wasn't me.
Stop asking.
Geez, cut it out.
I always liked that joke.
Alan Thicke kicked your ass.
He lied, didn't he? It was Alan Thicke! Wow.
It sounds like you've become a bit obsessed, huh, Barney? I am not obsessed.
All I did was break into your apartment and read your teenage journals, and fly to Vancouver to interrogate your ex-boyfriends, and fight beloved Canadian actor Alan Thicke to a draw.
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow! So, ready to admit it? Anyone can get obsessed.
Thank you.
And now, I am ready to tell you who "P.
I Love You" is about.
Who? "P.
" Paul Shaffer.
Paul Shaffer? I know, so stereotypical.
Every young Canadian girl fantasizes about being with Paul Shaffer.
At the Grey Cup gig, Paul was sitting in the front row.
I'll always be waiting for you No wonder his stomach was growling.
I feel bad that I scared Paul.
He's amazing.
But I have no regrets.
I was done being Robin Sparkles.
You're not gonna go get beat up by Paul Shaffer now, are you? I can't believe it.
I'm a total Dahmer.
Yeah, but you're my Dahmer, which makes you a Dobler.
Just like Jeanette.
No, Ted, what that woman did to run in to you was bonkers.
That's just not how you start a healthy relationship.
Tell him, Lil.
I can't stand it anymore.
I've been living a lie.
See? I saw you at orientation and I needed an excuse to meet you, so Ah! I didn't know which room you were in, so I had to create a little destiny.
I'm sorry, I just couldn't stand the idea of not meeting you.
Could not stand the idea of not meeting me.
I'm sorry, Ted.
You were right.
Jeanette's a Dobler.
So are you.
Thanks, buddy.
You know, if you hadn't been reading the exact same book as me, we never would've met.
I mean, that's destiny.
Oh, look.
You bought it in the same bookstore I did.
On the same day.
Within ten minutes of me buying mine.
Ugh Uh, this is embarrassing.
I wasn't gonna tell you this, but I followed you to that bookstore.
I just couldn't stand the idea of not meeting you.
You followed me to the bookstore from where? How long have you been following me? Uh, this is embarrassing.
Uh, remember when you were on the cover of New York Magazine? That was like a year and a half ago.
Before a man meets the woman he'll marry, he'll make one final, horrible mistake.
For me, that was Jeanette.
I Love You.
The law can't stop my love I'll fit you like a glove Restraining orders don't scare me The lawyers at the record company Made me promise to say I'm totally a slacker and I don't even care With my curling 'zines and my faraway stare But deep down inside, yeah deep down inside I'm dying I'm trapped in a cage of the tears I cry I praying to God, but she doesn't reply Even the robot says Move on.
I'm trying! P.
I love you.