How I Met Your Mother s08e18 Episode Script

Weekend at Barney's

This is the life.
We got the three B's.
Beach, booze and bodacious babes.
I don't know.
I'm starting to think we should call the police.
Oh, would you relax? We've got it made.
One whole week at his bodacious beach house, no strings attached.
Well, there is one string attached.
Hi, Barney.
"Weekend at Barney's!" What is it? What's wrong? The plays, Robin, the plays.
The ingenious techniques I used as a bachelor to pick up busty dullards.
They just keep coming to me; I can't turn them off.
Okay, Barney, let me ease your mind, okay? All right, here we go.
Remember when you set your Playbook on fire? That was the moment I realized you were someone I could marry.
And I'd burn it again if I could.
You're right.
I'm done with all these plays.
Besides, there's no way I'll ever come up with anything that tops "Weekend at Barney's.
" "Weekend at Barney's Two!" Damn it, Barney! So, there's this big gallery opening tonight.
Oh, we'd love to, but we've got this, um Genesis reunion, Madison Square Garden, front row.
It's gonna be legend I wasn't inviting you guys.
Oh, thank God.
There is no concert.
As the captain's new art buyer, I have to go schmooze this up-and-coming artist, Strickland Stevens, so we get first dibs on all his new stuff.
And I'll be helping Lily seal the deal by impressing the intelligentsia with some art-related hilarity.
I've prepared some jokes.
Why couldn't the art dealer pay his rent? I don't know.
Why? This is gonna be rough.
Because he ran out of Monet.
You're gonna get that on the walk home.
How about this one? You know what, we'd we'd love to hear it, but we've got that, um that Steely Dan, Carnegie Hall, backstage pass.
Let's go.
We don't want to miss whatever their big song was.
Your wedding response card, as promised.
Why didn't you just mail it like everybody else? Oh, see, that's sad, Robin.
You should be touched that I hand-delivered it.
Has social media so eroded our interpersonal relationships that we no longer wish to experience the You wanted to keep the stamp? They're 46 cents now.
It's getting out of hand.
"Your invitation is joyfully accepted by Mr.
Ted Mosby and Jeanette"" Kids, as you'll recall, Jeanette was the last girl I dated before I met your mother.
My friends only had one tiny problem with her.
She was nuts.
So you're bringing a plus one? If you count the voices in her head, it's plus five.
Guys, I'm bringing her, and you're gonna love having her there.
Oh, and, um, by the way, just so this doesn't turn into an argument later, the dress she's gonna wear isn't technically white; it's eggshell.
The shoes are white, though.
And the gloves.
And the veil.
Well, see you guys.
No, no, no.
Mosby! Get Oh, my God, what happened? Oh, I trashed your apartment.
See, I got bored, so I started going through all your e-mails.
And I found one from a woman with the subject line, "big penis orgasms," so naturally, I smashed your plates, knifed your mattress, peed in your drawers, the whole nine, but then, while I was upper-decking your toilet, I actually read the e-mail.
Turns out it was spam.
Classic Jeanette, huh? Oh, my God.
You are certifiably insane about me.
Come here, you knucklehead.
I can't stay mad at you.
Ted, Ted, I'm breaking up with you.
You're just so intense, and it's all moving way too fast.
Here's your key back.
I never gave you a key.
And here's your grandmother's ring.
She was buried wearing this.
And just like that, it was over.
I texted Barney and Robin.
I'm sure they're over the moon that Jeanette's not coming to the wedding.
Oh, no, Ted, no.
They're not gonna be happy about you being sad.
They broke up! Ted, respectfully, are you sure that this was the right girl for you? Of course not.
She was crazy.
Absolutely a nightmare.
It's totally not worth the trouble.
I mean, no matter how no matter how great the sex was.
Stay with us, buddy.
No matter how hot and passionate and surprising, possibly illegal I don't like this.
Me, neither.
I'm gonna win her back.
Barney and Robin are gonna be so happy I'm happy.
I know.
I know.
Did you just unhook my bra? Shh.
There, there.
That night was the big gallery show.
I'm so sorry.
I decided to grab a snack from the bodega.
Why? They'll have food at the gallery.
Oh, come on, these places never have food.
It's fine.
I got some Skittles.
That was the last bag of Skittles your Uncle Marshall would ever buy.
Meanwhile, I headed over to Jeanette's place to win her back.
What the hell? I can't let you do this, Ted.
I want Jeanette back.
Well, then accept my apology.
For what? This.
Ow, ow, ow! Damn it! You're strong.
That's just from Pilates? Twice a week.
Look, I don't want you getting back with Jeanette.
Ted, what is my one rule? You can tell how old a girl is by her elbows? My other one rule.
Flaxseed relieves upset stomach? My other one rule.
Always have a fake pair of concert tickets in your pocket in case Lily invites you to something stupid? My other one rule.
Lebanese girls sprint to third base and then stay there? My other one rule.
New is always better.
New is always better! Exactly, Ted.
You want to invite a date to our wedding, it is not gonna be Jeanette.
It is gonna be someone new.
And I am gonna help you find her with a little help from The Playbook.
The Playbook? Didn't you burn that? Oh, I didn't burn the real one.
That was the ceremonial playbook for parades, mall openings, inaugurations, stuff like that.
That's a pretty big secret to keep from Robin.
Which is exactly why I'm trusting you, my best bro, to never let her know that the Playbook still exists.
Pinky swear? Fine.
See, I told you.
Thank God I snuck in this bag of goodness.
There's Strickland Stevens.
Even his scarf is up-and-coming.
Are you gonna be okay by yourself for a few minutes? Yeah, of course.
Why wouldn't I be? Well, you're sitting on an $80,000 sculpture.
For 80 grand, you'd think it would be more comfortable.
Lil, I'll be fine.
Do you know who you're talking to? In high school, I was voted most outgoing freshman, sophomore and senior year.
What happened junior year? Egdud Ferhaki, that outgoing son of a bitch.
He beat you for most outgoing? Huh? Oh, no, we tied.
Look, the point is, I can make friends anywhere, even here.
Thanks, baby.
You got it.
Hey, excuse me.
Do you think that you would enjoy a show featuring Donatello, Raphael, Michelangelo and Leonardo? Sound like you're a fan of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
Skin it.
He will get that on the drive home.
He didn't.
Fireworks? Yeah.
Everything in there is a prop we'll need for tonight.
All right, here's how this is going down.
You'll be wearing this earpiece and microphone.
I'll be staked out here, telling you exactly what to say, so just stay focused and you'll be fine.
Which play are we gonna run first? How about the "Weekend at Barney's"? Oh, Ted, your first day at the salon, and you want to do a cut and color? No.
Tonight we're gonna start off with Ice Man to Neruda.
Ice Man to Neruda.
Bogey at 10:00, and she is packing two fully-operational sweater stretchers.
That's bravo, Oscar, Oscar, bravo, Sierra.
Possible delta cups.
Copy that.
Engaging target.
Excuse me, I have a delivery for Lisa.
Excuse me, I have a delivery for Lisa.
Are you Lisa? Are you Lisa? Uh, no.
But you must be.
I was told to deliver this package to a girl named Lisa, and that I'd recognize her because she'd be The most beautiful girl in this bar.
So, here's your delivery, Lisa.
Uh, I am definitely not Lisa, but I would be happy to help you find her.
Great, and then maybe later I could give you a different package-- my penis.
That is a terrible line! You said it wrong.
I did not say it wrong.
My penis.
My penis.
Still not right.
My penis, my penis, my penis! Hello.
This sucks.
I can't get near Strickland.
At least Marshall's having a good time.
Man, he always knows just the right thing to say.
For a gay guy, Andy Warhol sure liked cans.
This sucks.
Maybe I've lost my charm.
No, Marshall, if Lily's gonna make it in this fancy art world, you're gonna have to make it, too, so suck it up, stop sitting on the art, and bust out the "A" material.
You two keep chugging like that, you're gonna have to Vincent van go to the bathroom, am I right? It's pronounced van Gogh.
Oh, "blogh" me.
I still don't get why someone would leave the hospital without changing into their clothes first.
Ted, this is my thing.
So just okay? Over.
Okay? Over.
Are you all right? What? Oh.
Yes, yes, I'm fine.
Tomorrow, I'm donating a kidney to my best friend.
My best friend Barney.
Not Marshall.
Marshall's so lame.
Anyway, uh just wanted to grab one last drink, in case you know, I don't make it.
You are so brave.
Hey, listen.
Before I give my best friend this organ, how about Nope.
Nope, I'm not saying that.
I did hear you, but I'm not saying that.
Because I'm not.
Are you okay? One second.
I know you put a lot of work into this.
I understand that.
I understand that.
I understand that.
I understand that.
Why can't I just talk to her? Maybe we'll hit it off Fine.
Copy that.
How about I give you a different organ? My penis.
You said it wrong.
I did not say it wrong! Thank you all so much for coming.
If you'll indulge me, I would like to share a story about my dearly departed grandmother.
Oh, God.
News flash, Johnny Ascot: Lots of people have dead grandmas.
No, Marshall.
Don't be bitter.
You're here for Lily.
Just look at her, so professional.
She hasn't sat on a single piece of art.
You're gonna ride this thing out with dignity for Lily.
Not one more thing that might embarrass her.
I will simply stand here.
Perfectly invisible.
And so I dedicate this show to my grandmother's memory.
Now please join me in honoring her with 60 seconds of absolute silence.
Okay, Neruda, this play is extremely complicated.
Let me guess.
Does it involve me saying "my penis" in a Scottish accent? Now you're gettin' it, laddie! Hey! Robin.
What are you doing here? I was curious as to whether you found Ted a date to our wedding who was a little less, you know, Antichrist-y.
Is that the Playbook? No, Robin, that is a couch.
Oh, you mean the Playbook on the couch? I can explain.
Don't bother.
I can ex Uh, Ted? Uh I got to step away from mission control for a sec.
Don't do anything stupid while I'm gone.
Robin Robin, wait.
Um shoot.
I haven't figured out what I'm gonna say yet.
Keep going.
Robin, wait.
Look, I'm sorry that I still have the Playbook.
It's just, it's filled with a lifetime of great ideas.
Am I supposed to just leave all that behind? Yes.
But "Weekend at Barney's"! Okay, what is that? Explain the "Weekend at Barney's" to me.
What's to explain? I play a dead guy, and Ted and Marshall carry me around.
And based on that, girls want to sleep with you.
Big time.
But you're dead.
Except not really, obviously.
But the girl thinks you're dead.
No, she thinks I'm alive.
Which you are.
Except you're dead.
Except you're alive.
Okay, so instead of of being an alive person pretending to be a dead person pretending to be an alive person, why not just be an alive person? Okay, let's start from the beginning.
The movie is called Weekend at Bernie's.
My name is Barney.
I'm so sorry, sweetie.
I don't know if you heard, but I dropped some Skittles.
Do you know what, I'm just gonna go home before I make things worse.
You're not going anywhere.
We're a team.
You stuck by me after my nip slip at your law school graduation.
And after my nip slip at the GNB Christmas party.
And after my nip slip at the Honeywell and Coots Family Fun Day.
I don't know why you keep wearing that top.
All right, I'll stay put, but I'm keeping my mouth shut.
No more jokes, no more candy, no more Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
Hey, are you guys talking Ninja Turtles? I'm a huge TMNT fan.
I grew up on those comic books.
Me, too! I was obsessed.
Did you know that the original comic debuted in 1984 at a convention in New Hampshire? Uh, yes.
Did you know that Eastman and Laird always had their doubts about their characters being commercialized? Yes! Did you know that the painting on the back wall is inspired by Master Splinter? Oh, the one of the rat doing karate.
I see it now.
Hey, I'm Strickland.
And this is my wife, Lily, who, as a matter of fact, happens to represent one of the biggest art collectors in New York City.
I love your work.
It's great to see you getting some recognition.
Thank you.
It's been a long haul.
The first painting I ever sold, I used the money to get my car fixed.
You might say I used it to make my van go.
That's Um, a little something called rigor mortis? Oh, come on.
Are you really this mad about a book? You really think that this is just about a book, Barney? You lied to me.
If we're gonna be in a marriage and trust each other, you can't lie to me ever.
Really? Well, that's just great.
Because, in case you haven't noticed these last eight years, lying is what I do best.
I'm a magician, Robin.
Misdirection and deceit are my stock in trade.
You don't want me to lie to you? Lies are the reason that we're together.
Everything single thing I did to get you to say yes to me on that rooftop-- Patrice, the false engagement, everything-- it was all utter malarkey.
But underneath all of those lies is one true thing.
One true thing that can support the weight of all the lies in the world, and and that's the fact that I love you.
And you know that when I say that I am not lying.
Wha Did you just unhook my bra again? Jeanette, this is great.
We're back together.
You're coming to Barney and Robin's wedding.
I found two wine glasses you didn't smash.
Call me crazy, but I've got a feeling, from here on out, it's gonna be nothing but blue skies and What the hell is this?! Uh-oh.
Check out this text from Ted.
Oh, my What the hell happened here? Jeanette and I had a little spat.
Would anyone like some wine? It's a nice Côtes du Rhône.
Still needs to breathe a bit.
You know what? I got a decanter upstairs, so We should just drink it now.
And for the grand finale, I found your fireworks.
Let's see what they do to your precious Playbook! No! Jeanette, please, that's Barney's life's work! It's fine, Ted.
Blow it up, Jeanette.
Put a candle in the window 'Cause I feel I've got to move Though I'm going, going I'll be coming home soon Long as I can see the light Okay.
No more dating.
I'm ready to settle down.
And, kids for the first time in my life, I really meant it.
Oh! Oh The boots