How I Met Your Mother s09e04 Episode Script

The Broken Code

NARRATOR: Kids, it was two days before Barney and Robin's wedding, and everything was going off without a hitch.
TED: Ah.
Been waiting for the perfect time for this, and, my friend, that time is I saw you and Robin at the carousel.
(bottle shatters) Okay, there was one slight hitch.
BARNEY: She called me to help her, and there you were in the rain holding hands with my fiancée.
What up? Nothing up.
Everything down.
All parts of me down.
Look, you were busy, so I-I I went to the park to help her look for this locket she buried years ago.
She couldn't find it, she got upset, I held her hand.
End of story.
Cool! I just wanted to air that out.
You know, bro to bro.
You're my best friend and my best man.
Of course I trust you.
Oh, come on.
You don't have to cry about it.
(sobs) It's not that.
That was a $600 bottle of scotch.
(crying): Oh, my God.
(both blubbering) I hope Marshall gets here for the rehearsal dinner.
Thank you, Linus.
He's somewhere in Wisconsin in a rental car.
Hertz? I mean, it hurts a little but I'm not gonna cry about it.
Hey! We've been doing that all afternoon.
ROBIN: Oh, who's that for? Marshpillow.
NARRATOR: Kids, as you may recall, whenever Marshall left town for a few days, Lily would compensate with a body pillow she dressed up and named Marshpillow.
Pretty normal stuff.
But with Marshall stuck driving across the country, Lily decided to upgrade.
Meet Marshpillow 2.
0! Hey! Am I on? Hey, guys! Hey, Marsh.
Hey, Marshall.
Hey.
It's like you're really here.
MARSHALL: Hey, Ted.
Can you give me a gander of the environs? Wow! This place looks beautif Wait for it.
He's frozen.
(Lily groans) Same thing happened last night at the worst possible time.
I had just gotten on all fours and taken off my panti Now Lily's frozen.
ful.
This place is beautiful! Wow.
Lily, it looks like you really put some time into this, huh? (chuckles) Though I wonder if instead of dressing up your giant husband doll like Malibu Ken, you could've spent a minute or two-- I don't know-- planning the weak ass bachelorette party you threw me? I-It's possible I forgot to send out the Evite.
Robin! Happy bachelorette party! (chuckles) You invited Patrice to my bachelorette party?! No.
You know, it's funny.
When I was planning Barney's bachelor party, I managed to wrangle his boyhood hero, Billy Zabka, from The Karate Kid.
But you scored Patrice.
I'm sorry, Robin.
I-I've just been so consumed with our move to Rome.
I guess I forgot to invite the girls.
Yeah, Lily, I'd like to show you how it's done.
Billy Zabka, what a great guy.
Look at how thorough Ted was planning the best man poker game he's throwing for Barney.
Wait, I think I'm on some sort of delay here.
(clears throat) Best man visor for the dealer.
Customized playing cards.
Barney's the king.
And the queens are naked.
It was my first decree.
Hmm.
Plus, Ted handwrote all of the table cards for the reception in calligraphy.
The man's a wizard with a pen.
Oh.
I don't know about all that.
Though I was approached by the decorating committee to make the signs for our senior prom.
I'm told they were quite the hit.
(sucks air through teeth) Hey, buddy, listen, you're gonna kill me, but I forgot to bring the table cards.
Uh, I'd hate to ask you to redo them Say no more.
The best man is on it.
Thanks, Ted.
(scoffs) S-So now the best man is painstakingly handwriting but my maid of honor forgot to click "send" on an Evite.
I didn't forget to invite the girls to your bachelorette party.
You have no girls! (high-pitched): What? (chuckles) What? What? What? I All my girls.
I gave you a list.
This list? Yeah.
"Tall girl from work, "mouth-breather from coffee shop, "average-sized girl from that place"? Ooh.
Sorry I didn't track her down.
She sounds great! She's actually kind of a bitch.
Face it, Robin.
You hate women, and women hate you.
Ted didn't go to his prom? Classic.
While Lily was dropping the ball as Robin's maid of honor, the best man was busy knocking it out of the park.
(sucks air through teeth) Hey, buddy, listen, my great-aunt Ida has corns on her feet and needs a first-floor room.
Uh, would you mind switching rooms? Say no more.
The best man is on it.
Thanks, Ted.
(shouts) (whoops) (sucks air through teeth) Hey, buddy, listen, the wedding doves got here early, and I don't know where to put 'em Say no more.
The best man is on it! Thanks, Ted.
(cooing) Poor guys.
All cooped up.
I guess there's no harm in letting you out for a bit, huh? They carpet-bombed my entire room.
Wish I'd closed my suitcase.
And my mouth.
(sucks air through teeth) Hey, buddy, listen, I see you wrote "N-O-period" instead of the number sign.
I'm worried that might confuse the guests Say no more.
The best man is on it.
Thanks, Ted.
(knocking) Here they are.
Freshly penned table cards in a pretty decent chancery considering I only had my travel quills.
Wait.
Why's the poker game started? Oh, um, the best man moved the time.
Mm, no, he didn't.
Yes, he did.
Heya, Ted.
Thanks for the sweet lid, bro.
(quietly): Billy Zabka's your new best man? He's the best around.
Sorry, Ted.
Maybe next wedding.
What So you're playing the best man poker game without me? Tim Gunn's here and I'm not? I'm Barney's personal tailor, of course I'm here.
Plus, I've never played poker before.
It looks like a hoot.
I moved into a dungeon.
I wrote hundreds of cards.
I even gave your batty great-aunt Ida a foot massage so vigorous it put her to sleep right there in the lobby.
Yeah, I don't really have a great-aunt Ida.
So you are mad about me and Robin holding hands.
Of course I'm mad, Ted.
Holding hands is, like, the fourth-grade equivalent of banging.
Well, in your case, 12th grade.
Self-five.
You broke the Bro Code.
No, I did not.
I only went to help Robin as a friend because you didn't show up.
I did not break the Bro Code.
It's in the text.
A bro shall not have a weird moment with another bro's fiancée.
Well, too bad we're in Farhampton and can't actually check.
I am pleased to announce that the Bro Code has replaced the Gideons Bible at select hotels throughout the country.
Oh.
I'm sorry I said you hate women.
Yeah, don't be.
For whatever reason, I just (sighs) I can't seem to connect with them.
Down! Can you help me? I've got a bunch more wedding gifts in the van.
Yay! I love Robin so much! (quietly): Oh, God, I'm gonna strangle that bitch.
Robin, what is it with you and women? (groans) They're so annoying.
I'm glad that you're my only female friend.
Girls are always whining and crying over every little thing.
(groans) (crying) Yes.
That's exactly Thank you.
"Oh, oh, boo-hoo.
"Look at me.
I'm a sensitive little girl" Oh.
God, I'm sorry.
You're actually crying.
(groans) It's just so sad.
(sobs) I can't be your only girlfriend.
Well, I I don't need anybody else.
I got I got you.
For another six days and then I'm off to Rome for a year.
(gasps) What are you gonna do without our Saturday morning brunch with a side of sassy gossip? A one-shot power play?! Hey! Hey, Boston! Why not drop your hockey pants and actually take a dump on the ice next time?! (cackles) I love it! (groans) See? It is just too horrible to even think about.
Yeah.
You need another female friend.
(sighs) Whenever I try to talk to women, they look like they want to punch me.
Well, maybe you're accidentally giving off the wrong vibe.
Like, what do you say to other women at the gym? Oh, well, I haven't been to the gym in forever.
My metabolism is all messed up.
See, I can moose down a pint of fudge ripple for a midnight snack and wake up having lost weight.
(groans) Well, everywhere except for my boobs.
So annoying.
You're gonna need a lot of work.
It's in here.
Somewhere.
I It has to be.
Damn it, I know I should've done these in alphabrotical order.
(groans) Who cares about the Bro Code? It's just some stupid book you made up.
(gasps) How dare you? The Bro Code has been around for centuries.
Nay whatever's more than centuries.
Please don't launch into a fake history lesson.
The Bro Code can trace its lineage all the way back to Broses himself.
Article one: bros before ho's.
TED: Okay.
I see what you're doing.
You can't prove that I broke the Bro Code, so you're just making up stories about This sacred text was eventually brought to the New World in 1776 by none other than Christopher Brolumbus.
Article 62: a bro who calls dibs first has dibs.
Oh? Dibs! And that's why he got to bang Pocahontas.
Pocahontas was with John Smith.
Maybe according to the hotel register.
Whatever Mrs.
Brolumbus didn't know couldn't hurt her, am I right? Well, except maybe that New World syphilis.
But I digress.
Barney, if you believe in the Bro Code, how come you've broken it so many times? (gasps loudly) How dare you! I have never broken the Bro Code! Hmm? Hmm? Ah.
"Article 104: the mom of a bro is always off limits.
" Okay, look, we've all had a lot of fun joking about me banging your mom.
Not all of us.
Continue.
But I swear nothing ever happened between the two of us.
Trust me.
And what's going on with your fingers? (whispering): That's how our bodies were intertwined.
All right, this is ridiculous! It's ridiculous that you won't admit holding Robin's hand was weird.
It wasn't weird! Yes, it was.
You know what? We need a third impartial bro to settle this.
To resolve this, I really need to parse the text of the Bro Code.
It's too bad Marshall doesn't have a copy.
Actually, I do.
They were in the, uh, seat back pockets on my flight in place of the safety cards.
I'm also pleased to announce The Bro Code is now available in select airlines across the country.
And Lufthansa.
Der Bro Code is, like, huge in Germany.
Okay, so prove to me you can make a female friend.
What about her? Ugh! The girl with the bangs? Any chick who does that to her hair is going through a big life transition I don't want to hear about.
Next time, grow your bangs long enough to cover your mouth.
Ha-pass.
Okay, well what about her? Ugh! Comfortable shoes? (laughing) What, are you filibustering later? It's after 5:00.
Put on some heels.
Ha-pass.
Okay, well, what about? Ugh! I haven't even pointed to anyone yet! MARSHALL: Now, although not expressly stated in the Bro Code, a weird moment between a bro and his bro's fiancée is, in my bropinion a violation.
No! Yes! However, Ted was helping Robin as a friend.
Therefore, holding her hand isn't necessarily a weird moment.
No! Yes! That being said What? (mutters) if we decide that holding any friend's hand is weird, then, yes, Ted did break the Bro Code.
So, the question is this.
If Ted had gone to the park and held Barney's hand, would it have been weird? No? Yes? See? (scoffs) It's not weird at all.
I don't know what to say.
Just be yourself.
Say something nice.
Which one? I can't do both.
Slut alert.
That's my 14-year-old daughter.
Crappy mom alert.
Ugh! It's you.
Nice bangs.
What is wrong with you?! I can't do this, okay? I was raised as a boy.
I don't get along with women.
Can we just drop it? Okay, I never thought I'd take a page out of your fiancé's playbook, but it's time to target the crying chick.
Not weird at all.
BARNEY: Marshall, why are we doing this?! Two dudes on a beach with a lifeless blob they're pretending is alive? It's stupid.
So, I guess that means Weekend at Bernie's is stupid, too.
(gasps) E-Lawyered.
Now, before I can render a decision, we need to recreate the variables at the carousel as closely as possible.
Since Ted says that he was comforting Robin, he needs to do the same for Barney, so, Ted, comfort Barney.
I don't see how that Comfort Barney.
(sputters) Barney, what is going on with you? Why are you so upset with me? Marshall, this is stupid! I don't Accept the comfort.
Fine! (sighs) I guess I'm not really mad at you.
I'm mad at myself.
I should have met Robin at the carousel when she called, but I was having such a good time greasing 12-year-olds.
Laser tag.
Helpful.
Continue.
Look, Ted, I'm sorry that I've been taking it out on you.
You were just being a good friend to Robin.
It's okay.
It would be different if you still had feelings for her, but you don't, right? Right? (thunder booming) Okay, now it's weird.
You still have feelings for Robin?! What?! What?! What?! What?! Okay, yes, sometimes I do.
Well, then, turn 'em off! I would love to, but it doesn't work that way! I'm a I'm a human being.
I-I-I don't have an off switch.
I'm shutting off.
There, there.
Sister? Who needs a lady hug? Ugh! What the hell are you doing?! Wait.
Did you just "ugh" my hug? I don't need a hug.
I'm pissed off because the Rangers just lost to the Boston Bruins.
BOTH: I hate the Boston Bruins! (laughs) Look, Barney, I hate these feelings.
I hate myself for having these feelings.
No one wishes they would go away more than I do, but I just I I can't seem to make that happen.
I've tried.
Well, then, try harder! I'm marrying her in less than two days! What the hell are we gonna do about this?! NARRATOR: As she watched Robin make a new friend, Lily was happy for two seconds.
Oh, no! Oh, come on, ref! I haven't seen that much hooking go unpunished since my last trip to Vegas.
And I was on that trip, because we are best friends now.
(laughs) (both laughing) Hey, this might sound a little nutty, but how about we inject a sexual edge into our abiding friendship that BOTH: in no way jeopardizes our emotional connection, or respective marriages?! (both giggling) LILY: Aw! Hell, no! Excuse me.
I've got a Boston Brewin', if you know what I mean.
(laughs) You listen, and you listen good.
If I see your face around Robin again, you will be crying about a lot more than your precious New York Rogers.
Rangers? I will cut you! (Lily mutters gibberish) Forgot my purse.
(mutters) You know what? That's why I only need you.
'Cause you're a psycho.
My psycho.
I am, aren't I? Mm-hmm.
(giggling) There's the blushing bride! Back off, Patrice! Look, Barney, the truth is, it was weird at the carousel.
On some level, it's probably been weird between me and Robin ever since we broke up.
But you're my brother.
I would never do anything to hurt you, ever.
(scoffs) I mean it, I swear! I'll-I'll even swear it on the Bro Code.
The Bro Code's stupid.
(gasps) How dare you! I'd be honored.
I can't promise that I'll ever get to a place where it won't be at least a little weird between me and Robin.
But I don't want to lose you as a friend, either of you.
So I will do everything I can to move on and live with it.
The question is can you? (sighs) I'm sorry, Ted.
I just can't do this.
I fold.
What about the best man? I fold, too.
I fold.
There goes my belly buster.
You sandbag all night, only to bluff a couple of rags, pre-flop, and wind up with a dry board.
That's what you get for limping in shorts-tacked with a pack of donkeys.
Muck city.
I fold! Yeah Oh, right.
I knew that.
I knew that, I knew that, I knew that.
Okay, two players left.
You are bluffing, robot man.
I raise.
BARNEY: Oh.
Hey, Billy, do you mind pushing my chips into the center of the pot? Preferably with gusto, because I'm all in! Oh! Oh, boy! All right, all right.
ALL: Oh! (cheering and laughing) NARRATOR: And that's how I became Barney's best man again.
Everything was back to going off without a hitch.
I'm coming for you, Mosby.
NARRATOR: Okay, there was one slight hitch.