How I Met Your Mother s09e17 Episode Script


MAN: Well, that party was a dud.
MAN 2: I think I struck out with, like, 20 girls.
And my condom expired.
We are losers! We've tried everything.
(sighs) We're covered in Drakkar, I've got fresh new white socks, and I thought our mime work in there was excellent! What? Um, are we in a zombie movie right now? (hiccups) (scoffs) (sniffing) Boys today is your lucky day.
Because today I'm gonna teach you how to (vomiting) live.
Who's got gum? NARRATOR: Kids, for a brief period when I was seven, my best friend was a balloon.
It was the classic story: boy meets balloon, boy and balloon become friends, boy loses balloon when Mom sets out hot dogs in the backyard.
No! NARRATOR: Decades later, boy's new best friend finds out about the whole thing and never lets him live it down.
I hate you so much.
NARRATOR: The whole thing taught me a lesson.
If you love something, you can never let it go, not even for a second, or it's gone forever.
Well, at least I still got my hot dogs.
No! NARRATOR: It was a lesson that took me nearly 30 years to unlearn.
Where could Barney be? Oh, relax.
He always finds his way home.
Patrick's Day, 2008.
He did not find his way home that night.
That Dumpster was a block from his apartment.
I call that a win.
(laughs) Also, that isn't the filthiest trash he's ever slept with.
Ho! My future husband, folks! (both laughing) Or maybe he bailed on the wedding.
Oh, come on.
Don't even think like that.
Well, he's terrified of commitment-- although, ironically, loves being tied down Look, as the run-offee at my own almost-wedding, I can tell you you are fine.
Barney is no Stella.
Hey, have you talked to her in a while? Stella? Yeah.
The woman who broke my heart and embarrassed me in front of all my friends and loved ones? (laughing): Uh no.
NARRATOR: That was a lie.
A few days earlier, I had talked to Stella on the phone.
Because, as you may recall, I'm kind of the wedding gift master.
Okay, I'm gonna stop you.
Do you not hear how weird this all sounds? What part of this is weird? You're going to your ex-girlfriend's wedding.
It's not weird at all.
Where you'll be the best man Utterly not weird.
And now, less than a week before the wedding, you're calling the woman who left you at the altar and moved three time zones away on the razor-thin chance that I somehow ended up with her grandmother's locket? You know what's weird, Stella? Not seeing Star Wars until you're 30.
You're trying to blow up the wedding.
You called C-3PO "the Tin Man.
" He is made of tin! It's Tatooine scrap metal! This is not an argument you are gonna win.
Now, do you have the locket or not? Look, I might have it somewhere in one of my old boxes in our storage locker, but even if I did, I cannot get out there this week.
I'm totally swamped.
One ticket to Los Angeles, please.
MARSHALL: So the reason someone can't come up to fix the air conditioning is that the ghost of Captain Dearduff, who haunts this room, likes it muggy? That's correct.
Although, now that I say it out loud, it does sound kind of ridiculous, because there's no such thing as ghosts.
Right? You have outflanked me, Front Desk Guy! Victory is yours! NARRATOR: The truth is, there was a ghost in that room.
You see, minutes earlier, Marshall had been in the middle of the worst fight of his marriage, when all of sudden, Lily stormed out.
Damn it, Lily.
This is so unfair.
I know! Storming out in the middle of an argument? So childish! Thank you, Ghost Lily.
I'm glad at least you see it that way.
Although, let's be honest, I did you a favor.
You were gonna lose.
I what? I was gonna lose? Uh, check your spectral scorecard, Ghost Lily.
I had you on the ropes.
That's why you ran out.
I ran out because you brought up San Francisco.
It was a valid point.
It's ancient history.
If you're mad at anyone, you're mad at 2006 Lily.
Well, I can't very well have an argument with 2006 (à la Borat): Is nice! (normal voice): Do people still say that? I'm sorry, how exactly are you gonna teach us how to live? The journey to awesome starts with a single Actually, lots of singles.
We're going to a strip club.
(laughs) Strip club? We're in the middle of nowhere.
There is always a strip club.
Hey, are you a little worried this guy might kill us? We just put a down payment on adult bunk beds.
Would getting killed really be so bad? Good point.
I got a weird feeling.
I mean, there's something off about Whoa! BARNEY: Question: why does this sign say "gentlemen's club"? Answer: because The Crab Shed is a place for gentlemen.
A gentleman tips generously.
A gentleman uses the complimentary bathroom cologne (whispering): but not too much.
This is important.
Your instinct may be to avoid the free buffet.
Your instinct is wrong.
Don't sleep on the meatballs, gentlemen.
They are exquisite! Come on! You know, I liked Stella.
Even though she broke your heart, I'd still put her in your top five.
Which are? All right, number five, Stella.
Number four, Zoey.
Number three, uh, the Slutty Pumpkin.
Number two, Marshall, that time you guys pretended to be a couple when Barney was trying to sell the apartment.
(both laugh) And number one, Victoria.
Well, you've given this some thought.
Well, we all have.
There's kind of a running e-mail chain about it.
But the pastry chef was the best.
No question.
I do miss her sticky buns.
Uh, euphemism? Nope.
(laughs) Can I be honest? Um, it was kind of crazy how all of sudden it was just over between you and Victoria.
I mean you guys were seven years in the making.
She left her fiancé for you.
What why would you break up? What happened? (clears throat) We, um we broke up because of you.
Oh, my God, this is amazing! I ruined my pants, but it's totally worth it! Best meatballs ever! Mmm! I'm gonna ask a serious question right now.
Can a person live in a strip club? Yes.
For the next few years, your strip club will be like home.
Then, one day, you'll date a stripper and almost marry her, and after that, you'll realize you're done with strip clubs.
In the sense that you'll dial it back to, like, once a week.
I feel like I can talk to women now.
You just stick a dollar bill in your mouth, and the conversation starts itself.
You know, I think we're ready to go back to that party and meet some ladies.
(laughs) Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! You! Are! Not! Ready! Your training is complete when I say your training is complete! Come on, let's go.
You-you broke up with Victoria because of me? She didn't want us to be friends anymore, so I had to let her go.
Ted I just Wow, I And-and you haven't talked to her since? Haven't talked to her since.
NARRATOR: Also a lie.
And I assume this is all in the hopes that Robin'll ditch her own wedding and run off with you? What? No.
I would never.
You would never run off with a girl on the day of her wedding? Ri Okay, that's a fair point.
I'm not done.
So, do you have it? I'm looking at it right now.
What? Oh, uh stay there.
I'm-I'm on my way.
I'm in Germany.
Danke schon! I see.
Look, if it means that much to you, as soon as I'm done here at the bakery, I'll overnight it.
It'll be there in 24 hours.
(exhales) Thank you.
So this bakery, what kind of, uh You want me to send you some chocolate truffle streuselkuchen? Yes, please, you're the best, thank you.
NARRATOR: But then, 24 hours later disaster.
MAN: I'm sorry, Mr.
It says here your package was delivered earlier today.
Your wife signed for it.
My what? I I don't have a wife.
So, then, who's Jeanette Mosby? Oh, you're kidding me.
Oh, my gosh, So many questions! How many MySpace friends do I have now? Has James Blunt put out the steady stream of number one hits we all expect from him? And why are we in this hotel room? We're here for Barney's wedding.
Barney's wedding? Oh, God.
What desperate ho-bag is handcuffing herself to that time bomb? My dad did a real number on me.
Okay, uh Ghost Lily, seven-years-ago Ghost Lily, can we get on with this so I can win the argument and we can move on to my regularly scheduled fantasy of you two making out with each other? Sure.
Just so you know, I really like it when I know.
I'm you.
And I don't like that anymore.
MARSHALL: Okay, yes, seven-years-ago Lily, maybe I am wrong for still being mad at you about San Francisco and our breakup.
But the truth is, when you left me, that was the saddest I've ever been in my life.
Really? The saddest you've ever been in your life? Saddest I've ever been in my life.
I mean, I am sitting right here.
Look, Dad, yes, obviously, losing you was way worse, but I'm trying to make a bigger point here.
And what point is that? Because she hurt you once, you now get to hurt her? It's not how it works in a marriage.
ALL: Ooh You're totally gonna lose.
I can't believe you're open at this hour.
I'm always open for my friends.
What are we doing here? We should go back to the party.
In relaxed-fit domestic denim? I'm sorry, is this a costume party, and you're going as 1994? Would you be a peach and bump this, please? Who cares about any of this? They're just clothes.
Just clothes? Ted-- sorry, force of habit-- boys, suits are cool.
Exhibit A.
I don't care how well-dressed I am.
The real challenge is walking up to a girl that I've never met before and somehow talking to her with words from my mouth.
I've looked at it from every possible angle.
There's just no way to do it.
(both chuckle) What's your name? Justin.
Have you met Justin? Uh, no.
Hi, I'm Julie.
So simple, so elegant.
That's it? You just walk up to someone you don't know and introduce them to your buddy? I don't know.
That sounds kind of Have you met Kyle? Hi, Kyle.
Are you Jesus?! I would have understood, you know? I mean, if you told me that we couldn't be friends anymore, I-I wouldn't have liked it, but I, God, I would have understood.
I could never do that.
Why not? Ted, okay, I insist that you tell me why not.
No way.
Answer the question.
It's it's for the bride.
I'm not gonna answer the question, because you know the answer.
You want to talk about my top five? There's no top five, Robin! There's just a top one, and it's you.
And the only reason I'm saying any of this is 'cause I know that it's not gonna change anything.
You and Barney are getting married today.
If I have to hold the shotgun myself, it's happening.
I thought you don't like guns.
I'm the best man.
I swore on the Bro Code.
I don't want to go to Bro Hell.
Bro Hell sounds bad.
I'm sure Barney's got a whole thing about Bro Hell.
But what about when we get back from our honeymoon? What about our first night out at the bar? But what then? I mean, is it gonna be weird? No.
How can you be so sure? Because I'm not gonna be there.
I'm moving to Chicago.
You're moving to Chicago? That's right.
I'm gonna work for Hammond Druthers.
The penis-building guy? They're not all penis buildings.
They just designed this clamshell amphitheater for the St.
Louis Symphony.
That one, it doesn't look like a penis, anyway.
I can't believe you're leaving New York.
Wait, is this be-- is this because of me? No, it's not because of you.
Well, maybe at first it was, but (sighs) (grunts) It's been a really long week.
Some stuff has happened and it's just made me feel like it's, it's time to move on.
Yes, good things happened to me in New York, but bad things happened, too.
Like your top five worst relationships? Okay, come on.
Let me hear it.
Number five, Blah Blah.
Number four, boats, boats, boats.
Number three, Karen.
Number two, uh, Zoey.
She made both lists.
Number one, by a landslide, Jeanette.
Jeanette, of course.
By the way, have you talked to Jeanette lately? I haven't talked to her.
So I was at your apartment stealing your mail, and apparently there's some chick named Victoria sending you jewelry from Germany? Somebody owes somebody an explanation.
Jeanette, that locket is a wedding gift for Robin.
Robin?! Oh, God, this again? That I'm giving to her as a friend because I'm kind of the wedding gift master! Now bring it back to me right now! Fine.
Meet me at the Bow Bridge in Central Park in one hour.
And by the way, I want Kenny back.
Who's Kenny?! My pet tarantula.
(gasps) By the way, I love your hair.
I love your hair! Imaginary women, right? I need everyone to just be quiet, please.
Look, I know that I could have handled all of this better.
But setting aside the fact that all of our friends are here and that we don't speak Italian, if we stay in New York, we both get to follow our dreams.
Are we really gonna go someplace where only one of us gets to do that? Of course not.
Well, then how can you? Wait-- what? We're not moving to Italy.
We have a baby.
It makes sense to stay here.
Even I know that.
You do? So I win? Well, then, ho, hey, ho.
In your ethereal face, Ghost Lily.
Oh, yeah, the Convincer right here! She thought I was gonna lose.
You are gonna lose.
You're gonna lose this.
If you keep lying to me, if you keep cutting me out of decisions, if you keep using words like "winning" and "losing" when you talk about our marriage.
It's not like it'll happen all at once, but if you keep acting this way, little by little, you're gonna lose me.
Is that what you want? No, of course not.
You're not my enemy.
You're my wife.
(à la Borat): My wife! (normal voice): Right? No.
Sorr sorry.
We should probably head back.
Do you want to watch the sun come up? Sure.
JEANETTE: Thanks for meeting me here.
I'm heading over to the East Side to stuff a dead squirrel into a different ex-boyfriend's mailbox, so, you know, this made sense.
Of course.
So, can I have the locket? No.
What? Jeanette Ted, listen to me.
You're being crazy.
I'm being crazy?! Yes! How long have you been hung up on Robin? Eight years?! And you're still killing yourself to fetch dumb little trinkets for her.
That's crazy! That's more than crazy.
I don't think there's a word for what that is! Actually, there is a word for that.
It's "love.
" I'm in love with her, okay? If you're looking for the word that means caring about someone beyond all rationality and wanting them to have everything they want, no matter how much it destroys you, it's love! And when you love someone, you just, you you don't stop, ever.
Even when people roll their eyes or call you crazy.
Even then.
Especially then! You just-- you don't give up! Because if I could give up if I could just, you know, take the whole world's advice and-and move on and find someone else, that wouldn't be love.
That would be that would be some other disposable thing that is not worth fighting for.
But I-- that is not what this is.
So, please, can I have the locket? Cuckoo.
I think we should get back together.
ROBIN: And new day.
Yep, new day.
Close your eyes Okay, you need to get at least a little sleep.
Do you feel my heart beating? Do you understand? Do you feel the same? BARNEY (slurring): A few final thoughts.
Don't get married until you're 30.
Play laser tag once a week.
Give at least as many high fives as you get.
Teacup pigs are lady magnets, but very hard to care for.
Not worth the effort.
The same goes for dogs and babies.
And most importantly, whatever you do in this life, it's not legendary unless your friends are there to see it.
Good luck, boys.
Take care of the game for me.
We will.
Did you ever get his name? No.
What'd he give you? I don't know, but I think it's important.
I don't want to lose this feeling Lil-Lily I love you.
And I'm so sorry.
It doesn't matter where we live.
I just want us to be together.
We're staying in New York.
What? No.
It just makes sense.
I've missed you so much.
Am I only dreaming? I have to let go now.
Is this burning I know you do.
An eternal flame? Close your eyes, give me your hand, darling Do you feel my heart beating? Do you understand? Do you feel the same? Am I only dreaming? When we went out on our first date, at the end of the night, did you want me to kiss you? Yeah, I did.
Damn it!