How I Met Your Mother s09e19 Episode Script

Vesuvius

Thank you for bringing me here.
I am so glad we made it.
That snowstorm was getting really bad.
Wait, you think this is a snowstorm? This is nothing.
I'll tell you about a snowstorm.
It was winter break, freshman year of college Marshall and I were roommates, but we weren't really good friends yet.
THE MOTHER: Wait, stop.
You've told me this one before.
I have? When? Uh, let's see.
It was all the time.
Really? (deep breath) You and Marshall drove back to school "500 Miles" played on a loop.
You took a back road, ran out of gas, got stuck in a snowstorm, spooned to stay warm-- at least that's your story-- and at the end of it, you were best friends.
Okay.
Okay, that's fine, because guess what.
That wasn't even the worst snowstorm ever.
It was 2008 Barney and I THE MOTHER: Took over the bar, met the Arizona Tech marching band-- "Go Hens!"-- and they played "Auld Lang Syne" when Marshall picked up Lily at the airport.
Okay.
Have I told you about the time that Marshall THE MOTHER: Tried to put Christmas lights on Lily's grandparents' house and the little ragamuffin from next door left him stranded on the roof? Did Lily tell you that one? Yeah.
Lily used the word "ragamuffin.
" So I've told you all my stories.
I'm afraid so.
But luckily I have plenty of stories that you don't know yet.
Like the one where my college roommates and I went to this male strip club And your friend Dongnose got smacked on the nose with a dong? I know that one.
Okay.
What about the story that explains how Dongnose got her nickname "Dongnose" and that it had nothing to do with the dong-smacking incident? Heard it, loved it, called it the greatest coincidence of the 21st century.
Wow.
You know every one of my stories.
And you know every one of mine.
I guess it's official.
We're an old married couple.
Nice! We did it! Well, well, if it isn't the Mosbys.
Hi.
Hi.
Here for a romantic weekend away from the kids.
(laughs) It's a good thing there's no guests on either side of you, 'cause those bedsprings are gonna squeak like mice in a cheese factory.
Am I right? (laughs) Just don't break any of the lamps like your friends Barney and Robin, okay? That's not how the lamp broke.
Of course not.
All right, you have fun, you two.
(chuckles) Uh, what lamp is this? The lamp Robin broke the day of the wedding.
Oh, my God.
You don't know this one.
Oh man.
This is a good one.
(laughs) I mean, it's got everything.
Intrigue, betrayal, lamps.
It is a ripping yarn, so buckle your seatbelt.
Just tell the story.
Okay.
Here goes.
Robin broke a lamp.
Okay, this has to stop.
Come on, we're just having fun.
It has been a long weekend.
This is how I relax.
Really? This is how you relax? By not getting a single shot past me the entire morning? You suck, Scherbatsky, you shoot like my grandma.
Okay, Scherbatsky, you just poked the dragon.
Here comes the bride.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, okay, okay.
How about we switch to an activity that's more suited to somebody who's, you know, (chuckles), getting married today? Oh.
We gonna go chug some Labatts? I was thinking we could chug some memories instead.
"Barney & Robin: Lovers Forever "and Ever and Ever: A Love Story.
" Sounds cheesy.
I'm gonna go barf forever and ever and ever.
See you, hosers.
It's not cheesy.
(gentle tune starts chiming) See? (sniffles) Uh, can you tell me the name of the guest staying in room nine? I'm sorry.
That would violate hotel privacy policy.
Well, maybe my old friend Mr.
Lincoln can emancipate that information.
I'm so sorry, I wasn't clear.
I can't violate our hotel privacy policy.
For five dollars.
Something with a two on it is fine.
But those are super rare and the one I have is kind of lucky.
Just give me a 20, Mr.
Mosby.
That room belongs to a Ms.
Susan Tupp.
Oh, boy.
BARNEY: God, you're gorgeous.
Oh, I can't wait to be inside you.
Barney.
Get out here, this is your wedding day.
Wha (grunts) Where is she? Who? Look, I just grossly overpaid for some information about this room, so I know it's accurate.
This room belongs to Susan Tupp.
Who? Susan Tupp.
Who? Sue Tupp.
Suit up.
I'm trying to.
I need you to help me pick the suit I'm gonna wear when I walk down the aisle.
Okay, Robin walks down the aisle, you wait at the end of it.
Okay, then the suit I'll be wearing when they all stand as I enter the chapel.
That's also her.
Really? Man, the fellas sure do get boned on the whole wedding thing, don't they? Okay.
All right, well, let's, let's pick you a suit.
What are what are the top contenders? Well, after careful consideration, I have narrowed it down to these ones and these ones and the other ones in this room and all the ones in the adjoining room.
So you've narrowed it down to all your suits.
Yeah, we're screwed.
And this is a picture of the restaurant where you and Barney had your first date.
And now you're getting married.
Mm.
And this is the receipt from the meal you and Barney ate at that restaurant on your first date.
And now you're getting married.
Can we look at this later? Later? There is no later.
Robin, this is a day you only get to do once.
You need to appreciate the importance of it right now.
Oh, my God.
How did I only just now realize this? Dude, this hotel has The Wedding Bride 2 on pay-per-view.
Score.
This is the best day of my life! I mean, I know Robin's not the girliest girl, but you'd think on her wedding day, she'd be at least a little sentimental.
Everyone deals with getting married differently.
I got what I thought was the worst haircut ever.
Till I fixed it with the actual worst haircut ever.
Which led to the worst wedding photos ever.
But at least you had a wedding day freak-out.
Baby, don't worry.
Any minute now, Robin's gonna get smacked in the face with her own "holy crap, this is my wedding" moment, and then she's gonna wedding out all over the place.
I promise.
But you can't force it, it has to just happen.
Mm, I don't know.
I mean, she bailed on my scrapbook when she found out The Wedding Bride 2 is on pay-per-view.
The Wedding Bride 2 is on pay-per-view?! CURTIS: I'm sorry, did did I hear you guys talking about The Wedding Bride? Oh, God.
The movie or the smash Broadway musical? (scoffs) Smash? Oh, oh, oh, I-I guess a show's a smash now if it closes after only 96 weeks.
So my husband's ex-fiancé's husband wrote the screenplay for The Wedding Bride.
"Jed Mosley" was based on Ted.
Okay, Jed was not based on me Hey! That is not a toy, you ragamuffin.
That is an authentic flail I won at the Renaissance fair.
entirely.
But, regardless, there's there's still some lingering pain there and Well, as you can imagine, my friends promised me that they'd never watch it.
Wow.
Those are some good friends.
Oh, they're the best.
Oh, oh, whoa! My wiener! I can't believe Jed made us promise not to watch this.
Wait, you mean Ted.
Whatever.
Same guy.
See, I would have expected you to have an extra-special suit tailor-made just for this occasion.
Oh, I did.
I had my boy Timmy G make the perfect wedding suit.
You ever heard of "bespoke"? This suit was be-freaking-screamed.
But then I tried it on this morning and it was uncomfortable and itchy and completely wrong.
It was like a suit made for someone with terrible posture, no taste and limited funds.
Here, you take it.
The only question is, which of these other suits do I pick? There are so many great ones to choose from.
Uh, how about this one? Yes.
Yes, that's the one.
Oh, hey, quick question: is it weird to get married in a suit that you may have worn while banging a female rodeo clown? I know what you're wondering.
Yes, the carpet matched the drapes.
Of course that's weird.
Every part of that is weird.
Mm.
Uh, what about this suit? Huh? (slow chuckle) Let's just say I stuffed a lot of bunnies in that suit.
Ugh, Barney, do you have to phrase it that way? Actual bunnies, Ted.
This is my magic suit.
Get your mind out of the gutter.
Though, I did once wear it to the Playboy holiday party and, uh (chuckles) Let's just say I stuffed a lot of Bunnies in that suit.
Uh How about this one? Oh, man, I went crazy on an escort in that one.
Barney, come on.
A Ford Escort, Ted, I did it on a car.
With a woman who I then may or may not have paid.
Yeah, that one's out, too.
Okay, so your wedding's in a few hours.
Kind of strange to spend those hours watching a terrible movie, right? Terrible? Lily, this movie is a revelation.
I can't believe that Ted wouldn't let us see it.
Yeah.
Why was he hanging so much beef on this movie? Just 'cause there's a character based on him? (laughs) Of course.
I'll make all weddings illegal.
Then Stella can never be a wedding bride.
(cackles) Ooh, No-can-I-do's-ville, baby doll.
It's like, "Relax, Ted, it's no big deal.
You should be flattered.
" And now to celebrate with that piece of chocolate cake I've been saving.
What?! Who ate my cake?! Uh, what cake? Narshall! Narshall? Narshall.
How dare they? That is insulting and ridiculous and I am nothing like that character.
I'm gonna sue everyone involved with this film.
So, you're-you're gonna sue them on the grounds that nothing like that cake thing has ever happened? (sighs) If Ted didn't want me to eat that cake, he should have put a note on it.
(knocking) Oh, hi, Grandma.
Robin, sweetheart.
I wanted you to have this.
It's me and your grandpa on our wedding day.
Aw, that's so sweet.
See my bouquet? Those wildflowers-- they were supposed to be hydrangeas, but there was a mix-up at the florist's.
I was so upset.
Your grandpa went behind the church and picked those wildflowers for me.
And now he's buried Behind the very same church, surrounded by the very same wildflowers.
Okay, Grandma, watching a movie.
Got to go.
Every single holiday, that same dumb story.
Sorry, Grandma, not as touching as you think it is.
(crying): At the very same church.
Now, I want to see if Jed can get his wiener unstuck from that thermos.
(chuckling) No-can-do's-ville, baby doll.
Uh, I'm sorry.
Did you just turn off the bride's TV on her wedding day? Oh! Oh! Is this your wedding day? (chuckles) I'm sorry.
I couldn't tell because you're acting like it's any other Sunday morning, and it's not.
Lily, if you're waiting for me to suddenly turn into th-th-the Wedding Bride, you just give up.
That's just not me.
Fine.
Maybe we should all just act like this wedding's no big deal.
Maybe I don't even feel like wearing my bridesmaid's dress.
Great.
It-It's just a wedding.
Who cares what people wear? Say yes to the suit! (sobbing): I can't! I can't.
Great.
Because I actually brought a different dress that I'd like to wear.
Fine.
Oh, no.
Maybe I'll go put it on right now.
Go right ahead.
What? (sucks air through teeth) I'm so sorry.
What, why? I know this story, too.
Really? Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Robin and Lily get in a big fight and then, a few minutes later, there's a knock at the door.
Hello.
I've told you this one before.
A few times.
(groans) I'm just a boring old man who won't stop spinning yarns.
Oh, hey.
I love your yarns.
I hope you never stop spinning them.
But You're the love of my life, Pooh Bear.
I just worry about you.
I don't want you to be the guy who lives in his stories.
Life only moves forward.
So what happens next? With Lily and the wedding dress, I mean.
Well she brought the dress so that she and Marshall could get new wedding photos taken.
Because in yet another story that I know (shouting) No! What kind of space would I have in my brain for other things if I didn't know all this? Eh, probably just state birds or some crap.
(chuckles) So, uh, Lily wanted to borrow Robin's photographer.
That shouldn't be a problem.
Shouldn't be a problem, Robin? Of course it should be a problem.
This is your wedding.
You can't let somebody borrow your photographer.
Don't worry.
She's not serious, Robin.
I didn't even bring the suit that I wore to our wedding.
Yes, you did.
It's in our room.
Go put it on.
We're doing this.
And, Robin, since you don't seem to care, I think I'll be wearing this to the ceremony.
Fine! Fine! Fine.
There's a very simple solution here.
We might as well just face it.
(sighs) U.
S.
Marines have to get married in uniform, so I'll just go enlist.
Dude, we can enlist together! That's the dream! That's not the I wonder if they let you pick bunkmates.
I hope they do.
Although I might want to request a single.
You'll make friends.
Look, enough of this.
Tim made you this amazing suit.
Put it on.
This feels weird.
That's because it's new.
It's a suit that's never been worn before, a suit you never dreamed you'd wear.
All of this suit's memories are still ahead of it.
Look, picture it, huh? The ceremony.
When everyone stands up for me? They do that for her.
They should.
She's gonna look amazing.
You'd better believe it.
She walks down the aisle, you say your vows, you go to the reception, you have your first dance.
And before you know it, just like magic, you realize it's a perfect fit.
You're right, Ted.
This is the one.
Thanks.
So belts.
Hey, Lil.
Nice dress.
(sighs) You two were made for each other.
Like, does no one care that I'm wearing this dress? I care.
Okay.
Now you're good.
Okay, look, I know this is your wedding, but this is a big moment for all of us.
This may be the last time we're all hanging out together for who knows how long.
I mean, tomorrow morning, Ted's leaving for Chicag Oh, boy.
Lily.
Wait, you already know.
You already know.
You're married to Lily, which means She pocket-texted me while you were telling her.
So everybody knows I'm moving to Chicago tomorrow.
Lily's right.
We don't know the next time that we'll all be together.
TED: And then I think it hit all of us.
We didn't know the next time we'd be together.
This was it.
And it's funny.
In a moment like that, when what's really happening is too intense to deal with, sometimes it's best To leave it unspoken and just enjoy each other's company instead.
You know, I've been wanting to see this movie.
Yes, movie time.
So it's not bad luck for the bride to see the groom in his wedding suit? No, I think it's fine.
Nice tie.
Thanks.
There was a cornflower blue one I almost went with.
Oh.
Um, that would've brought out your eyes.
You brought more than one tie, right? I was trying to pack light.
Hey, you know what, maybe the, uh, groomsmen should go get some food.
I don't want Ted to have to sit through this movie.
Ah.
I appreciate that, Narshall.
Really? Aw, damn it.
Sorry, I saw it on a plane.
What, so this is gonna be, like, a thing now? Yeah, it's gonna be a thing now, Narshall.
Right? Narshall.
(chuckles) Dude, settle down, Swarley.
Yeah.
Yeah, Swarlize Theron, take it easy.
Man, this was supposed to be my special day.
Oh.
Hey, we survived the storm! (sniffing) Oh, Narshall, did you do that? Nope.
Wasn't me.
Well, then who was it? (growling) (Jed and Narshall yelling) A gorilla! Gorilla! So that really happened to Ted? That is exactly what went down.
Chapter and verse.
Uh-oh.
Out of ice.
I'll get it.
Oh, no.
Got it.
Sit down.
Plus, the, uh, vending machine's got a loose coil.
I'm gonna try to hip check my way into some free Tropical Skittles.
(chuckles) (sighs) Your sister's not like most brides, is she? She's a Scherbatsky.
She's not gonna lose her Timbits just 'cause she's getting married.
I guess some people just never have that "holy crap, this is my wedding" moment.
(humming softly) Mom? TED: That's the story.
Right down to the surprise ending.
Is that really such a surprise? I mean, come on.
Yeah, of course she showed up.
What mother is gonna miss her daughter's wedding? Oh, hey.
No.
Come on.
(sniffling) It's okay.
I'm fine.
I'm okay.
(sighs) Did Barney really wear a scuba suit into the bar? I've told you that story a million times.
Yeah, but where did Barney get the scuba suit? (chuckles) He stole it.
What? Yeah.
(chuckles) I can't believe I forgot that.
He walked right into a sporting goods store, tried on a scuba suit, and walked right out the door.
Walked all the way home in it, like, 20 blocks.
(chuckles) (laughs) Guy in a scuba suit, just walking down Broadway.
Ah.
He should be in prison.
Well, yeah, for lots of reasons.
(laughs) You know, the thief of the group is Lily.
Yes.
Oh, my God.
Lily No.
She stole my heart.
No, n-no, I'm telling you, Lily, from like, uh She might be in Tangier She left here last early spring Is livin' there, I hear Say for me that I'm all right Though things get kind of slow She might think that I've forgotten her Don't tell her it isn't so.