How I Met Your Mother s09e21 Episode Script

Gary Blauman

TED: Hi.
Hi.
Okay.
(chuckles) So I thought we'd try this new restaurant.
It's right around the corner from here.
It's Scottish-Mexican fusion.
Scottish-Mexican fusion? Scottish-Mexican fusion.
That would seem like two things that do not fuse.
Perhaps you'll change your mind when you try their signature haggis enchiladas.
(laughs) Okay.
(chuckles) All right.
Yeah, come on.
Lead the way.
I was surprised when you called.
Isn't there some universal guy rule where you have to wait four days to call a girl? That does not ring a bell.
And it's three days.
(laughs) Here we are.
(bagpipes and trumpets playing mariachi music) Uh, I did not realize there would be live music.
So, uh, should we Eat anywhere but here? (laughs): Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Besides, I'm sure we can find a place where we don't need reservations.
Oh, you think it's just that easy? Just stroll in off the street and get a meal? Well, let me tell you the tale of Gary Blauman.
There's the blushing bride! Oh! Gary Blauman! How are you?! Uh, duh, like I need to ask.
You're getting married.
Well, don't let me keep you.
You have things to do.
I will see you walking down the aisle.
I'll be the guy in the eighth row going like this.
(laughs) Right?! Right.
Good luck today! Thank you.
Okay.
(chuckles) Hey, there's the blushing bride Code red! Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God! Why the code red? I mean, if it's if it's about your hair, I didn't even notice; especially not from the back.
What? Nothing.
Gary Blauman is here, and I had no idea he was coming.
His reply card must've gotten lost in the mail.
I mean, where's he gonna sit? It took us weeks to plan the seating chart! Robin.
Shh.
I got you.
Huh? You're talking to the seating chart master.
At my own wedding, I managed to sit small-town Minnesotans right next to liberal New Yorkers with grace and aplomb.
Table 27 still gets together once a year for a reunion.
Perhaps you've seen their photos on Facebook.
Like I said (whispers): I got you.
Thanks, Marshall.
(door closes) Code red! Grandma's sitting next to the band, divorced couple sitting one table away from each other, no coherent singles table.
This is the Robin's hair of seating charts.
Singles tables are cruel.
I mean, what if you went to a wedding and there was a table of all fat guys? That would be awesome.
You're right, it would.
Let's crack this Gary Blauman nut first, and then we'll work on the fat guy table.
Wait, did you say Gary Blauman? Yeah.
Why? I hate that guy.
Why? Remember a few years ago when I read that biography of Teddy Roosevelt? For weeks after I read it, I only wanted to talk about one thing.
Teddy Roosevelt was the coolest guy ever! (others grumbling) Oh, that's it! No more books, Ted.
I don't like the person you become when you read books.
Here's the deal: you get to tell us one more interesting fact about Teddy Roosevelt.
One more, and then you're done forever.
So make it a good one.
Okay.
He went blind in one eye from getting hit too hard in a boxing match while he was president! That's a pretty good one.
Wow.
That is kind of Right?! Oh, and when he was at Harvard No! No! Shut up! Oh, my God! Please! TED: Well, one night, we were throwing a party to celebrate something-- I-I can't remember what-- when a pretty girl I had never met noticed the book on the coffee table.
I can't believe you have this book.
I just finished reading it.
Teddy Roosevelt was the coolest guy ever.
A unicorn.
I couldn't believe it.
It was a stroke of luck on par with the 50-page manuscript in Roosevelt's breast pocket that helped slow that would-be assassin's bullet.
Dude, come on.
Sorry.
Anyway enter Gary Blauman.
Is that the Teddy Roosevelt biography? Coolest guy ever.
Right? Right? Right? Right? Right? Right? Right? So the three of us started talking Teddy Roosevelt.
When he took that four-minute flight on the Wright brother's plane? So cool.
The time he climbed the tallest mountain in Europe on his honeymoon.
So cool.
And that's when I realized, Blauman and I were locked in a battle of wills that made T.
R.
's charge up San Juan Hill look like a walk in the park.
Or should I say, in the national park, since it was Roosevelt who spearheaded the establishment Dude, come on.
I gave you one.
The battle raged on.
In a way, he was ALL: the archetype of the modern politician! (all laugh) TED: Dude, knock it off.
GARY: Knock what off, bro? This is my apartment, my Teddy Roosevelt conversation, I get the girl.
Oh, so the fact that you're the incumbent means she should just pick you? Tell that to William Howard Taft.
You're calling me Taft? If anyone's Taft, you're Taft! I'm not Taft! I'm Teddy! The hell you are.
My name is Ted! Yeah, right.
Go sign the Payne-Aldrich Tariff Act, Taft! (gasps)How dare you? Skinny-dipping in the Potomac River.
(all laugh) TED: And so the standoff continued, hours passed then days.
Days passed? Days passed.
Finally, a T.
R.
stricken by tropical fever on his Amazon trek, we could go no further.
When he was Assistant Secretary of the Navy Will you just pick one of us already so I can either have sex or go to sleep! Smooth, bro.
After that day, I have never liked that guy.
So let's just tell Robin this can't be done, and send Gary Blauman packing.
LILY: Did you just say Gary Blauman? Yeah.
I love that guy! What?! He's the devil! He's an angel.
It was 2006, Marshall and I had broken up, and I was back in New York feeling vulnerable and listening to my breakup song over and over.
Sugar Ray's "Fly.
" You know it.
Man, you know nothing about breakups.
I really don't.
Anyway, then I hit bottom.
There's a bottom below Sugar Ray? Mm.
What?! Why have I never seen that before? I've been using cover-up and strategically placed straps for a long time to keep this puppy quiet.
After all the times you guys made fun of me for my breakup butterfly tattoo? (Lily and Marshall snicker) Oh, the fact that Ted got a butterfly tattoo, will you ever stop being hilarious? So why is it only half a butterfly? Because Gary Blauman saw me in the tattoo parlor, dragged me out and talked some sense into me.
Lily, trust me, you and Marshall are going to get back together.
And when you do, you will be so glad you did not get the other half of that butterfly.
Actually, I was gonna get a little more than the butterfly.
It's good that I ran into you.
Marshall, Blauman saved you from a lifetime of looking at Sugar Ray every time we do it on your birthday.
Find him a nice seat.
No, no, do not find him a seat.
I'm telling you, this guy You find him a nice Neither of us was gonna back down, so finally we decided to take it to the groom.
(gasps) Wh-What's going on? Shh! Wha? Who's that guy? It's my ex-boyfriend.
So, we're crouching behind a van, hiding from your ex-boyfriend.
Forgive me, I'm a little bit of a detective.
It was a bad breakup? Pretty bad.
Bad like there was a big fight? Bad like there was a big ring.
Bad like this happened in the past year? Bad like it happened Saturday.
So bad.
Yeah.
Okay, he's gone.
I'm so sorry, Ted.
I really like you, but I'm-I'm in the weirdest place on Earth right now.
You're in a Scottish-Mexican restaurant? (laughs) Yup.
Yeah, I am.
It's just too soon for me to be dating.
I think I should head home.
Well, want me to walk with you? Lots of scary ex-boyfriends in this neighborhood.
Sure.
I do want to hear the rest of that story.
Right, right the story.
Yeah.
So, we decided to take it to the groom.
Did you say Gary Blauman? Yeah.
Gary Blauman? Yes.
Blauman comma, Gary? Point, comma, get to the damn.
I love that we have the opportunity to destroy Gary Blauman's weekend by kicking him out of the wedding! Yes! Gary Blauman Haters' Club right here! What that guy did to me.
Oh God! It makes me furious to this day! Okay, okay, I'm gonna try and tell this story without completely losing it.
Ready? Okay, here goes.
I was at the (growls) (growls) Nope, not gonna happen.
Give me a second.
Ooh! Ooh! I was at the bar.
Hey, Barney! What's up, Blauman? Have a seat.
Oh, thanks.
Your fries.
Need anything? I'm good, thanks.
Oh, but he was not good, thanks.
He was not good, thanks, at all! Oh, what? Did he take one of your fries? Take one? Take one? Lily, it would have been one thing if he took one of my fries; that would have been one thing.
No, Lily, that day, Blauman took four of my fries! But that's not even the capper! Here's the part that still keeps me up at night: the fourth fry he took (yells): the fourth fry he took (grunting) Buddy, you oka you okay? (grunting) The fourth fry he took was an accidental curly.
(both gasp) You don't take a man's accidental curly.
MARSHALL: You take a man's wife before you take his accidental curly.
LILY: If you wanted curly fries so bad, why not just order them in the first place? (laughs) Yeah, yeah, yeah.
'Cause that's what you want.
All curly fries.
(laughs) Regular cut with a few accidental curlies.
That's what you want.
That's the dream.
He's right.
That is the dream.
No! I refuse to look down from the altar as I say my vows to the woman of my dreams, and see that damned, stupid, accidental-curly- fry-stealing Gary Blauman! Did you say Gary Blauman? I hate to disagree with Barney.
But I love that guy! I just met him earlier today.
Oh, my gosh! It's you.
Yeah.
You're the poet William Zabka.
Nobody ever recognizes me for my poetry.
He has all six of my collections.
When Terry Gross interviewed me on Fresh Air, he listened live.
Gary Blauman rules! Gary Blauman? I hate that I once thought I loved Gary Blauman.
Ooh, this sounds good.
Gary's the guy that I had an affair with.
Tom found out, threw me out of the house.
Now the kids are from a broken home.
Because of Gary Blauman, everything that matters to me is gone.
I got that beat.
So, I was ordering these fries Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Blauman's gay? Well then that means that night, the real battle was between Blauman and the girl.
And the prize was this guy.
(all groaning) Keep telling yourself that, buddy.
I don't want to see Gary Blauman at my brother's wedding.
Neither do I! I'm the brother in question! Now, now, hold on.
(all arguing) Order! Order! Robin put this on my plate, and so I'll make the decision.
Now, let's take a short recess.
Everybody out.
Okay.
Lily, out of court settlement.
Drop this whole thing, and I'll give you ten bucks.
No.
I can't go higher than ten.
(clears throat) I'm ready to give my decision.
This was a tough one.
Lot of good points on both sides.
But ultimately Blauman stays.
Yeah.
What in the? For one simple reason.
There is a higher law at every wedding.
A law that trumps all other arguments.
When the bride asks for something, she gets it.
Yes.
Wow.
ZABKA: Good point.
He's right.
This fake court thing is adjourned.
Judged.
Well, I guess let's go find Blauman and tell him the good news.
Yeah, about that.
Bit of a wrinkle.
I was just in the hallway, ran into Blauman.
I told him if he didn't leave immediately, then Billy Zabka was gonna crane-kick him in the face.
What?! But that's not even my move! I We have to stop him.
Barney! I (sighs) Come on, come on, come on.
So, we all run out to the parking lot to stop Gary Blauman from leaving the wedding What are you doing? This is my place.
Oh.
So, uh well, I guess this this is where I leave you.
This is your place.
Yup.
You sure it's not a few blocks that way? Nope, it's right here.
It's right where you picked me up.
So it is.
Well good night.
Good night.
NARRATOR: Eight years earlier, I probably would've given some embarrassing speech, confessed my love and scared her off.
But I didn't.
Because somehow I just knew this was all gonna work out.
Ted? Oh, thank God.
Do you at least want to finish your story? Right.
So, we all ran out to the parking lot, and Blauman, Blauman, I'm sorry.
You can stay.
Billy won't kick you in the face.
It's not even my move.
If I was gonna do anything, I'd sweep the leg, and put you in a body bag; everyone knows that.
What? Is that from one of your poems? Thank you for that.
Please stick around, for the bride.
You're not a Taft.
Even if you are, Roosevelt shouldn't have divided the party like that.
I mean, he handed the election to Wilson.
Completely, right? Right? Right? (laughs) No, wait! No! All right? Forget it! And, James, I'm sorry about you and Tom.
But you have to stop blaming me for your own decisions.
Well, guys, take a good look.
This face you won't be seeing again.
Come The bri the bri Gary? He's really leaving.
Hey, Barney.
You still, uh, have my wedding ring? (quietly): Yeah.
I've got some work to do.
Excuse me.
Blauman will cool off eventually.
We'll see him again.
Of course we will.
MARSHALL: I don't know.
I mean, we might really never see him again.
Because I remember at our wedding looking out and thinking, "Man, everyone here means so much to me.
" A bunch of those people, you know, I haven't seen them since.
NARRATOR: And that's how it goes, kids.
The friends, neighbors, drinking buddies and partners in crime you love so much when you're young, as the years go by, you just lose touch.
That being said, I did manage to keep track of a few people.
Carl's still behind the bar at MacLaren's.
Hey, watch it over there.
Yeah, watch it over there! It's become a family business.
Jeanette was arrested for mailing jars of urine to Val Kilmer.
No, not that Val Kilmer.
She narrowly avoided prison time, but did receive mandatory psychological counseling.
Hello, handsome.
I should say up front, I'm not allowed to date my Oh, what the hell.
She and Kevin live in Poughkeepsie now.
Ranjit made a couple really good stock picks, and, well, he owns the limo service now.
Bitterman, get the car.
Getting the car, sir.
Patrice has her own drive-time radio show.
People call in, she gives advice.
ROBIN (over phone): Because sometimes I just feel like he never listens to me, you know? Gosh, caller, that's a real pickle.
You know, my grandma always says ROBIN: Damn it, Patrice, I'm not finished! Sorry, sorry, go on.
William Zabka became the youngest poet ever to win the American Humanities Medal for Literature.
He's currently working on a collection of travel essays.
Hyah! Zoey pops up in the news every now and then supporting some cause or another.
It doesn't always go well for her.
The hawk is a majestic creature! She means you no har (hawk screeching) Aah, no! I'm your friend! I'm helping you! Still, it's nice knowing she's out there fighting the good fight.
Scooter's been married for a while.
Apparently, he met a girl at work, and it was love at first sight.
I guess something about her helped him get over Lily.
You look beautiful today, Jasmine.
Like every day.
Move.
I serve sloppy joe now.
Blitz struggled with a gambling addiction for a while.
But after a three-day bender on the same slot machine, he finally kicked it.
I got to get help.
Yes! (whoops) Aw, man! I'm not sure what happened to Blah Blah.
But I'd like to think that wherever she is, she Carol! Her name was Carol! Thank you.
Sandy Rivers' inappropriate office behavior finally caught up with him, ending his news career in America.
(speaking Russian) He hasn't changed.
It took some doing, but James finally convinced Tom to take him back.
And nobody's happier about it than their kids.
Hey, kids, have I ever told you how I met your father? It was at a party.
And as for Blauman Guys, wait! (car door closes) I'm sorry for storming off like that.
I don't want to miss this wedding.
You will be shocked, kids, when you discover how easy it is in life to part ways with people forever.
That's why when you find someone you want to keep around, you do something about it.
So, I guess good night.
Good night.
Unless do you want to walk around some more? It's still early.
Sure.
What are you doing? Remembering this.
Come on.