How Not to Live Your Life (2008) s01e01 Episode Script

Home Sweet Home

Let me introduce my self My name's Don.
Don Danbury.
That's me, lying in bed.
Er, the one on the left, just in case you thought Don was a woman's name, or that I sound female.
Now, I have a habit for getting myself into sticky situations sometimes.
Like this - sleeping with my boss.
Oi, thingy! Morning.
This was a hideous mistake.
Get out of my sight now.
I can't believe I've finally lost my virginity.
God, it's so beautiful! I've been taking pictures of you all night.
- That's it.
Yes! You remind me of my brother.
What's that smell? I think I've done some toilet.
Now, because I consider all the options, I always make the right decision.
Dear Dot, dot, dot.
Had to rush off.
The sex was good, well done.
Double tick.
No, single tick.
Things haven't been great lately.
Yesterday my nan passed away.
It came as a real shock to all of us here at Smith & Bitchman when we heard that your grandmother had passed on.
And so sodden.
Well, she was 96.
- Bot still very healthy.
She couldn't walk.
- Bot still, so acute in her mind.
She was actually pretty mental.
Shall we move on to the will? - Yes! "To Don, you are "a dickhead.
"Probably the biggest dickhead I ever knew" No, no, stop.
Wait a minute.
I think you've got the wrong will.
It says, "To Donald.
" - Maybe she knew another Donald.
"Bot you are my one and only grandson, "so even though it pains me to write this, "I have no choice bot to leave everything I have to you.
"After the reading of this will, the house is yours.
And Donald, "please sort out your life and stop being such a dickhead.
" Whoo-hoo! I've got a massive, free house.
# I've got a massive, free house I've got a massive, free house # Doh doh, coh Doh doh-doh, coh-coh # Who's got a massive, free house? # It's not free.
What? Your grandmother was behind on her mortgage payments.
It's going to cost you a lot of money to keep it.
No, Mr Bitchman, she left me the house.
It's a present.
Technically, yes, bot you still have to pay for it.
What the? Hang on.
What am I worried about? I'll just sell it.
I'll make a fortune.
You can't even sell it, you stupid dickhead.
What? Oh, that's what it says in the will.
What do you want? I'm moving in.
Bot this is Mrs Danbury's house.
Yeah, and I'm her grandson.
Oh, the dickhead? Well, "nice" meeting you.
I'm Mrs Treacher, I live next door.
Oh, so you're moving in, are you? I'm trying to, yeah.
Mm-hm? If you make any noise after 6pm, I'll tear you a new arsehole.
Oh! You most come round on Sunday, meet my husband.
I'll cook you a roast.
A spit roast.
You'll need this.
We've got a bit of a gypsy problem round here.
Oh, it will be so nice to have a strong young man living next door.
I need a lot of help getting on and off the toilet.
Oh, dear.
Elsie wasn't very good with her money, always spending on those credit cards Yes, indeed.
So, my new home.
What a result.
Just need to decorate, get myself a sexy wife.
It could all be perfect.
Oh, hello, darling.
Aren't you going to be late for work? No? Good.
A muffin? Oh, I'd love a muffin, thanks.
You really are a lovely wife, aren't you? Come here.
Feeling frisky? Come here.
Let's do it in our new home.
Oh, yeah! # Screwing in my new home # Screwing in my new home.
# Oh! What are you doing? Who the hell are you? I was about to ask you the same thing.
This is Mrs Danbury's house.
Yeah, I'm her grandson.
Oh, the dickhead! - Dickhead, yes.
I'm Eddie, your nana's carer.
Obviously not a very good one.
Pardon me? Because she's dead.
So Ah! You didn't know, did you? Sorry, yeah.
She passed away.
She's gone.
It's over for her.
End credits.
Hello? She's dead.
Oh, God! Yeah, bot hey, look, silver lining.
# I've got a massive, free house.
# That's terrible news.
What are you doing? - Come here.
No, no, no.
I don't know you.
Don't fight it.
Who is this weirdo? What makes him think it's OK for men to cuddle like this? I'd better gently tell him I'm not comfortable with it.
Listen, if you ever do that again, I'll kick you in the prick.
That's the grief talking.
- That wasn't the grief, that was me.
Cop of hot tea? Always the antidote to bad news.
Eh? What was your name again? I can't keep calling you Dickhead, can I? Don.
- Right.
Tea, Don? And maybe a muffin? I did hear you mention one of those.
I can't, really.
I'm late for work.
I wasn't that concerned, I was very popular in the office.
Jesus, look who it is! God, I hoped he was off sick today.
Don't mind if I do.
You all right? All right, Gordon? The boss wants to see you.
Really? It's not good.
Come in.
You wanted to see me? - Come in, sit down.
Now, one of the advantages of sleeping with your boss is you know you'll never get in trouble.
You're late again.
- Yeah, sorry, my nan just died.
Right No, it's the troth.
Look, I need to talk to you.
Basically, Don, I've had more complaints about you than anyone I've ever employed.
Complaints? Like what? "Late every day.
Fool mood in the mornings.
"Easily distracted.
"Late back from lunch every day.
"Leaving work early every day.
"Hung over, drunk, stoned.
"Vomiting on the photocopier "and watching porn loudly on your desktop computer.
" That's all rubbish.
Well, I'm not easily distracted.
Listen, I can't - Oh, stapler.
Shiny! Don! - What?! I can't have people finding out we had sex the other night and thinking I'm favoring you.
I only have one option.
I'm sorry, Don, you're fired.
No, you're fired.
No, you're fired.
- No, you're fired.
Get out.
- You get out.
Fire me and the poppy gets it.
Can't hear you.
Wah-wah-wah! - You're fired.
Fired, eh? I don't believe it.
She fired me.
Oh, what a shame I think you should clear your desk and leave immediately.
Well, can I at least get a letter of recommendation? Sore, how about I write it on a Post-it note and stick it to your forehead? I'll get going.
So I went home, unemployed, to find my nan's strange carer still there Here, let me.
talking to me like I was my nan.
Lunch in five.
Steak and Alphabetti Spaghetti.
Roman or Hellenic? Oh! Or Japanese? I should have told him to get lost, but who can resist Alphabetti Spaghetti in three languages? A bit of everything? - OK.
So, how was work? You weren't gone long.
I just got fired.
Can you believe that? Oh, Don, I'm sorry.
Get off.
It's all right.
To be honest, I hated that job.
Bot the thing is, I have a big mortgage to pay now.
How am I gonna do that? - You could take in a lodger.
Oh, no.
No, no, no, no, no.
I hate lodgers.
Cos you never know who you're going to get, do you? It could be some madman serial killer who rapes at weekends just for the fun of it.
Or even worse, constantly plays the music of late-era Genesis.
It's never just a sexy chick who isn't needy.
Well, you can't really pot that in the rooms-to-rent section, now, can you? No.
Er, I did specify I was looking for a female to occupy the room.
What are you talking about? I am female.
Oops, sorry.
Now, why don't you show me the bedroom? Do you like role-play? Dungeons & Dragons is my favorite.
Want some? I only want the flat for six months, until Jesus picks me up in his spaceship.
I'm not a pedophile, bot Come on, out you go.
I was just gonna say Freak.
Yes? Don, it's Maggie.
I heard about your nan.
Sorry I doubted you.
Oh, I see.
And now you want me to come back to work.
Why are you calling me, then? I was hoping for a slow-motion replay of the other night, if you know what I mean.
Hang on, you fired me.
So? So Don, you were terrible at your job.
Bot you're not so terrible in bed.
I mean you're really quick, botgood.
Oh, thank you very much.
So, how about it? Now, for years mankind has argued over the differences between men and women.
I tall comes down to sex.
For example, if I was on a date with a girl and sad to her The thing is, I think you're a prick, bot I'd love to have sex with you.
What was that for? she'd be offended.
But if a woman said to me The thing is, I think you're a prick, bot I'd love to have sex with you.
I'd be like Great.
It's as though insults are meaningless when the words "sex with you" are in the same sentence.
When? Are you free tonight? Yes, I am.
- OK.
What? No, I am not thinking with my dick.
I'm actually thinking with my balls.
And my balls are telling me, if I play this right, I could win my job back.
Clever balls.
I thought I had it all sorted out and then this happened Hi.
I'm here about the room.
Have I got the right address? Y-Yeah, yeah, come in.
Enter chez Don.
Thank you.
This place is different.
I mean, it's cool.
I like it.
Abby Jones? Yeah.
It's Don.
Don? Don Danbury.
No? Westbrook School.
I was a couple of years above you.
Oh, my God.
Don Danbury? - Yes, yes.
You used to wear that bandanna all the time.
Yes, that was me.
I remember you now.
You were funny.
Was I? I thought you were.
And look at you.
Wow, you've turned intoa woman.
Well, it would have been a bit weird if I'd turned into a man.
Yeah Small world, eh? Yes, yes.
So what happened to you? You just kind of vanished.
We all moved back to Manchester.
- Oh.
You know, I thought about you a lot.
- Really? Well, once or twice.
Once or twice a week, to be precise.
I had a massive crush on Abby Jones.
She never knew.
I mean, I was a spotty teenager who wore a bandanna.
I never had the courage to ask her out.
Soare you married now? Married? God, no.
- Good.
You? No, no, no.
Kids? - Not that I know of.
You got any brats? Well, I'm a teacher at the minute.
I'm not quite ready for any children of my own just yet.
Actually, how do you know about this place? A friend of a friend mentioned it to me.
So? - So? This time I'm never letting you go.
First of all, you move in, then we can talk wedding.
Then we should chat kids.
I mean, personally, I don't want any, bot I don't believe in sheaths, so we will have to discuss it at some point! You know, whenever I pleasure myself, it's you I fantasise about.
That's really creepy.
I was 1 4 when you last saw me.
Yeah, well, I'm 1 6 in the fantasy, so that's OK, right? # I'm so in love with you # Oooo-eeee-oooo.
# So, as you can see, I went for the granny-chic look.
Oh! Mmm.
- Yeah.
Yeah, it's for doing exercises whilst you bath.
They call itbathercising.
It's great - it means you don't have to have a bath after a workout.
Sowhen do you want to move in? Just like that? - Well, why not? I am fairly desperate to find somewhere.
Could I move in tonight? Yes, you can Oh, no, you can't.
How about tomorrow afternoon? Deal.
This was perfect.
My ideal woman moving in with me.
And I know what you're thinking.
How can I go ahead and see my ex-boss the night before Abby moves in? Well, this is about getting my job back.
It's not about sex.
So, can I have my job back? - No.
How about now? Can I have my job back now? No, no.
How about now? Things are different now.
No, you're fired.
Uh! I fired you.
Arrr How about now? No.
What about now? No.
Now? - No.
How about now? - Definitely not.
Give me my job back.
- No.
Give it to me? - No.
CanIhaveitback? Yes! Oooh! So, shall I start Monday morning? Start what? My job.
You just said I could have it back.
No, no, just then.
I said, "Can I have it back?" and you said, "Yes.
" I was coming.
Oh, come off it! I don't make women come.
Wrong again.
You'll never get your job back, you idiot.
You sexy idiot.
Oh, bollocks.
Shit! What's going on? Shut up.
- What? I mean Sssh, there, go back to sleep.
Oh, I'm just going downstairs, bot stay there, don't move.
Ooh, sleepy.
I'm coming, I'm coming.
Ooh Hey.
- Hey.
Haven't got you out of bed, have I? No.
No, don't be silly.
No, I've been up since seven doing sometapestry.
Hey, listen, why don't we do this later? I know a nice little cafe down the road.
We could have a spot of brunch.
Sounds great, bot I've got tons of stuff, so I'd rather get this done first.
Ah, who'd have thought, eh? You and me living together? It's great.
You know, I'm really glad we've met each other again like this.
Me, too.
I'm gonna go to the car and get some more stuff.
Who was that at the door? Oh, er, wrong number.
What are you doing? Seeing as you're too rode to offer, I thought I'd go and make myself a cop of tea.
No need, om made you one.
Brought it up, look.
- Really? Yeah.
Just pop it there for you.
Anyway, what are you doing up? You should have a lie-in, it's the weekend.
It's almost lunchtime.
Well, doesn't mean you can't lie in, does it? You know I'll be back in a minute.
Excuse me, what are you doing in my house? Don, this is Karl, my boyfriend.
Boyfriend? You n You most be thisDon character, then.
This isyoor? I'm Karl with a K, not a C.
Here's a little moving-in gift.
Oh! Do you play golf? Eh? I'm Karl, with a K, not a C.
When you awakeyou'll kill yourself.
Don? Don! - Yes? You don't mind showing Karl where to pot my stuff, do you? Of course.
Thank you.
Kitchen? Soyou and Abby, then? Yeah.
Serious, is it? - Pretty serious, yeah.
Mmm So, what do you do, Don? I'm unemployed.
Yeah, right And what is it you do? Property developer.
We specialize in homes abroad.
Yeah, I actually work for a living.
You really landed on your feet there with Abby, didn't you? Well, I think she's pretty lucky, too.
You're kidding, right? What's that supposed to mean? She's a ten, clearly.
Whereas you're just a I don't knowtwo? And I'm being polite, actually, and adding two.
What's going on? we're just shooting the breeze, telling him how lucky he is to have you.
- Shut up! Don? Don! What was that? Huh? I didn't hear anything.
- Don! Just then - a woman was shooting your name.
Don! - Oh, that? Don! - Yes, that is just a woman I knowplatonically.
Don! You've locked me in your bedroom, let me out! You've locked her in your bedroom? Why would you lock a woman in your bedroom? For a laugh.
This isn't funny, Don.
OK, look, I'll be honest.
I just didn't want you to meet her.
Why not? - Yes, Don, why not? BecauseI don't know.
I thought you were gonna move in today and tonight, I'd cook us, well, order in a meal, and we'd get to know each other, fall in love and then I'd nail your sweet little ass all night long.
Ooh! Ah! Ooh! Bot then you ruined everything by bringing Cock-face with you! I mean, I could have been honest, but the truth never helps anyone' so I came up with a foolproof-cover.
Becauseshe's mySpanish cleaner.
Yeah, yeah.
She's been slacking recently and I locked her in and said, "You're not coming out until it is spotless.
" Don! Oh.
I mean, I pay her a fortune and she does nothing.
She never cleans or dust's or What's going on, Don? Ah, Rosa.
Hola! Look, it's Rosa.
What the hell are you playing at, locking me in your room? He said you'd not been cleaning his house properly.
What? Very funny, thingy.
I've been sleeping with this prick, can you believe that? Yeah, bot we're not a couple.
- Oh, thank God! I've been trying to convince her to give me my job back through the medium of sex.
You'd stand a better chance if you could go a bit longer.
Whoa, shush your mouth! She doesn't know what she's talking about.
She's nuts in the mind.
You are such a dickhead.
- Yeah? You don't have to lie to me about seeing someone.
I really don't mind what you get up to and, besides, I've got Karl to keep me company.
OK, come on.
Let's get the stuff out the car.
So he's been having intercourse with his cleaner? They seem nice.
God! How long have you been here? Oh, ersince before you got up.
So, you're getting a flatmate, then.
Things are looking good.
Well, that depends on your definition of good.
If it's losing any chance of getting your job back or re-meeting the woman of your dreams only to find out she's got a boyfriend, then yes, yes, things are looking good.
Well, look at it this way.
It can't get any worse.
Yeah, I suppose so.