How Not to Live Your Life (2008) s02e01 Episode Script

Don's New Flatmate

So, what do you want first, the good news or the bad news? I tell you what, let's go with the good news first.
Remember my flatmate, Abby, and her boyfriend, Karl? Well, they split up yesterday.
You see, I've been secretly in love with Abby for years, so I was chuffed to bits.
However, the bad news is she moved out of the house this morning, leaving me all on my own.
She said she needed to get away, so She's gone travelling for six months.
I mean, travelling? That's what students do, right? Not teachers.
Can I please just take your order now? We're busy.
I'll have the noodles to start.
Noodles for main course.
And for dessert, I'll have the noodles.
Abby and I used to come to this restaurant every Wednesday night.
It was the one little thing we did without her annoying boyfriend, Karl.
I suppose it's just my little thing now.
{5 things you shouldn't do alone Do you mind if I just I'm glad I didn't choose that.
Who's a good boy? I am.
Who told you it was my birthday? You did.
- It cost an absolute fortune.
- He said.
Well, I told you not to buy such an expensive car, didn't I? She retorted, angrily.
I'm on my own.
So what?! But hey, at least now I can flirt with the waitress.
Very forward of you.
I'll be happy to give you a call.
That's the bill.
I knew that, yeah.
I meant, happy to give you a call over when I'm ready to pay.
God! .
:: Dickheads Team ::.
It's been two weeks since Abby left.
To be honest, I thought I'd cope terribly, but I've been dealing with it well.
What? This is dealing with it really well.
- You need to eat.
- I don't want to.
You haven't eaten anything in days.
Yes, I have.
Pick'n'mix is not food, Don.
How could you think pick'n'mix isn't food? - Look.
- You need some protein.
- At least just have an egg.
- OK, I'll have an egg.
Tasty.
I'm thirsty now.
Better wash it down.
Refreshing.
You need to think about renting out Abby's old room.
- No way, Jose! - But you need the money.
I will kiss a tramp's balls before I let that room out, Eddie.
Bless Eddie.
The freak never stops trying to help.
Right, I need to pee.
- Oh, right.
I'll help you up.
- No, it's all right.
All done.
Yeah, I found it in the attic.
Must've been my nan's.
It's very handy, just pee when you need.
Although it does sting a bit when you stick it in the end.
As you can see, Eddie still turns up uninvited.
Honestly, it's got to the point where it'd be weird if he didn't turn up.
OK, toodle-pip.
That was somebody interested in Abby's old room.
Don doesn't know I've advertised it yet.
I hope he doesn't try and kiss a tramp's balls when he finds out.
He's also been looking after Mrs Treacher, my smelly old neighbour, ever since her husband died.
Why can't I have dinner in my own house? Because I need to be here for Don.
Don't you remember what it was like to be heartbroken? In my day, there wasn't time to be heartbroken.
Too busy worrying about the plague.
Well, I think the plague was a little bit before your time, Dot.
Are you calling me a liar? Well, well.
The monster has finally arisen.
I know something I think will cheer you up.
What? Mahoney turned around and was shocked to discover the hooker unzipping Commandant Lassard's flies.
"Ooh", said Commandant Lassard.
It's no use, Eddie.
Not even Mahoney's antics can cheer me up.
Well, you know what never fails to make someone feel better? Ketamine? - No, a cup of tea.
- With ketamine in it? Don, I've told you before, horse tranquilliser's not the answer.
Abby said the word "horse" once.
Come here.
What is it, old-timer? Snap out of it, you pathetic I just lost my husband.
Do you hear me going on about it? No.
He died a horrible, bloody death.
Do you hear me going on about that? No.
We were together for 50 years.
Do you hear me going on about that? No.
Well, you are actually going on about it.
Jesus Christ! And stop blaspheming! Will you please stop? I beg of you! Let's not be too hard on him, hey, Dot? He has just lost the woman he loves.
He has no idea about loss.
He's a selfish Please, Dot! Let's not use that word.
He's not completely selfish.
It was his idea I look after you, wasn't it? It was also his idea I pay you a lot of money to do it, wasn't it? Wouldn't surprise me if he kept it all from you.
He takes a cut for coming up with the idea, but it's completely fair.
OK, here's the deal.
I'll take 15% - Deal.
- and give it to you.
I'll keep the rest.
Great! Is that fair? Let's just try and be more positive around him, hey? Right, I'm going out.
Are you sure you'll be all right? I don't need you to do everything for me.
- Sorry.
- Now, can you lend me 50 pounds? Sure.
Great.
Could you tie my shoelaces up? - Sure thing.
- Thanks.
Actually, do I smell? Cos I haven't had a shower in days.
Let's see.
One second.
Right, arms up.
So, going anywhere interesting? Well, if you must know, I'm going for some therapy.
You're getting professional help? I mean, ever since she left, I've just felt really empty and alone and lost.
I mean, it's so unlike me.
Sorry, hon.
That's time.
This is Honey, my therapist.
I think I need to book another appointment.
£20.
One, two two ten For some strange reason, Honey's therapy didn't seem to be solving any of my issues.
I know.
It's weird, eh? But then something happened.
I was having a traditional manly pint when I overheard this couple talking.
I'm so, so sorry, Charlotte.
I shouldn't have slept with her.
It was wrong.
I only cheated on you cos we've been so unhappy recently.
It's not an excuse, but you know what I'm saying, don't you? Yeah, I do.
Do you mind? Do you? It's just this is really helping me solve some issues.
As you were.
Poor thing.
It actually was helping me solve some issues.
Right, listen up, everybody.
Now, you may not have noticed, but I've been a bit down in the dumps lately.
It's all right.
Why would you have noticed, you know? I forgive you.
But I am feeling much, much better now.
And I owe it all to Perry and his probably now ex-girlfriend, Charlotte.
- Who? - Let me explain.
Abby's gone away for six months, right? Well, maybe when she gets back she and I will get together then.
And if we do get together, then I won't be able to have sexy intercourse with other women because Well, apparently, it's frowned upon.
So, really, I should just enjoy being single while it lasts.
Who's to say Abby will be interested in you when she gets back? Shush your mouth, Yoda.
I am going to whore myself around for six months.
I'm gonna be a slut.
A slapper.
A man-slag.
A bloke-bitch.
A boy-harlot.
A mister of the evening.
A dirty sex-bike for any semi-attractive woman to ride.
There he is.
The old Don's finally come home.
Good to have you back, sexy pants.
- It's good to be back, Eddie.
- Come here.
Hug me and I'll roundhouse you in the prick.
Just like old times.
Now is probably a good time to tell him about the room.
What's the wrinkly midget talking about? You know I'm working at the university two nights a week? What, you're a teacher? No, a cleaner.
I put an ad up there.
For the room.
Don't worry, I specified a female.
And I've already had interest.
Exciting, huh? Too late, my friend.
I've already offered the room out a couple of hours ago.
- You were right.
I need the money.
- What? Who? There's a VIP room here.
For only £300 an hour.
Honey, that's a rip-off.
There's a room in my house for only £300 a month.
Turns out she actually needs the room.
Cool, eh? Your psychiatrist wants to move in with you? Honey's not really that kind of therapist.
- What kind of therapist is she? - She's a, sort of, stripper-therapist.
She's a stripper.
Why would you want to live with a woman who takes her clothes off for a living? I still have so much to teach thee.
Look, I think you'd really like my one.
The student.
- She's a mature student.
- Double urgh.
Look, just meet with her.
And then decide which one you want to move in.
Stripper or student? Stripper? Student? Stripper? Student? This is gonna be tough.
Stripper It wasn't gonna be a tough decision.
Just in case you missed the sarcasm.
And so I woke up this morning feeling optimistic about life.
Hello? It's been a while since I've had the place to myself.
Better make the most of it.
There is nothing more pleasurable than being naked in the comfort of your own home.
Frying, no clothes? Ba-keda beans.
Eddie, good.
You're here.
I've just spilled my beans all down my legs.
We're not alone.
Yeah, well, I know that.
There's two of us, right? No, no.
What I mean is there's someone else here.
Really? Who? You do know that we can see your cock and balls, right? And they've been expecting you, Mr Bond.
They're not mine.
No, this is a lifelike body suit.
Underneath this, I'm wearing thermals.
We're naturists, yeah.
Didn't Eddie tell you? I'm Don.
Sleepwalking.
Sorry, I'll just tuck them away.
There we go, all gone.
What's that? Don't you think you ought to put something on? Pardon me.
Sorry, you must think I'm a bit weird.
I did a minute ago, but now you're wearing an old woman's dressing gown, so you seem perfectly normal.
Don't worry.
This is my nan's.
Well, was.
She's dead now, so That's normal.
Look Let's start again.
I'm Don.
Samantha.
Take a look around.
So you're a mature student? What are you studying? Literary criticism.
Literally criticism? What, there's a course in literally criticism? That sounds easy.
I could do that.
Eddie, you have a rubbish forehead.
See? No, literary criticism.
As in books? Books.
Right.
I see why you'd wanna criticise them.
- They're pretty boring, aren't they? - Right.
I see what you mean.
Sorry, what was that little moment you two shared there? No, nothing.
Just that Eddie said that sometimes you give off an odd first impression.
And second.
And, actually, a third.
How could you say such things? Look, he's not all bad.
He did a sponsored walk when he was 13.
That is true.
I did, yeah.
You can walk? That's impressive! - Can I take a look at the bedroom? - Sure, - it's up the stairs, 1st on the right.
- Great.
She's actually quite fit.
Yeah, yeah.
She does seem healthy.
No, fit.
As in, "I'd sleep with her".
Why? You have your own bed.
It's perfectly comfortable, isn't it? What is it with you, Eddie? Why do you never just run with me? You don't like running.
I bet Sam does, though.
She seems pretty fit.
How was the room? If I'm honest, it looked like it had been sick on itself.
- Sorry.
- Jeez, say what you think, love.
Well, I guess that was literally criticism.
Do you think you might be interested? Look, it's very hard to say no to that price.
It's a very generous offer.
What? I only did what you taught me.
I tell you what.
I'll let you have it for 15% of the asking price.
Great.
Great! My God! This is a major breakthrough! Right, it was nice meeting you.
Really? Kind of.
- I'll show you to the door.
- It's fine.
I'll manage, thanks.
I'll be in touch.
Well, looks like you haven't scared her off completely.
What? What do you mean, I haven't scared her off? I don't think you standing there nude helped.
Maybe seeing me naked's the reason she's still interested.
- Well, I thought she was nice.
- She's pretty hot.
So you did like her, then? There was something about her.
She does that annoying thing people do.
- What? - She reads books.
I wanna live with someone who's gonna be fun.
Not some posh boffin who spends her time swotting up on homework.
You never know, she might be fun.
I want to live with Honey.
Really, Don.
What has this Honey person got over Samantha? A: she's a stripper - Is there a B? - No.
No B.
Why don't you take Samantha for a drink, get to know her better? I tell you what We'll take them both out, and then that way, we'll see who's more fun.
I wouldn't want them to feel they were fighting for the room.
Hey, that's a good idea! Let's get them to fight for the room.
Imagine them two fighting.
Clever balls, Eddie! All right, we won't make them fight.
Get them to wrestle, though.
An arm wrestle? Pat-a-cake? And so that night, we took Honey and Sam out to a cool little place I frequent called the Nineteen Eaties.
Neither of them knew why the other one was there, of course.
- Drinks? - Yes.
I'll have a milk, please.
- Honey? - No, just as it comes.
No, I'm talking to Honey.
- Cos I thought that you - Yeah, shush your mouth, Eddie.
- Honey, would you like a drink? - No, I don't drink.
Sorry? What? You don't drink? No, I just don't enjoy alcohol.
Never have.
- What do you blame your mistakes on? - Some people just aren't drinkers, Dom.
Oh, my God! You're not going to believe this, but Michael Jackson's over there.
I thought he was dead? It's a themed restaurant.
Very classy.
All the staff are'80s superstars.
Look There's A-Ha serving carbonara.
Or should that be carbon-A-Ha? Come on! Oh, my God! Michael Jackson's coming over.
Hi, guys.
I'm Michael Jackson.
Oh, my God.
I've always wanted to meet you! Gee, thanks.
What can I get y'all? So who else do they have in here? Well Hi, I'm Chuck Norris.
What can I get you? Hi, we're UB40.
What can we get ya? Who are you? I'm Steve Guttenberg, from Cocoon: The Return.
What can I get you? I will have a shot of sambuca.
I'll have a shot of sambuca, too.
And I'll have a shot of milk.
Do you think before he died, Jackson ever bumped into a friend he hasn't seen for 20 years and the friend's, like, "Something's different.
"What is it? I can't tell.
The haircut?" - Don't be cruel.
- Cruel? He's the one who touched children.
Look, I gave that up years ago! I was referring to the actual Michael Jackson.
Right.
Drinks coming right up! Shit! Who'd have thought Michael Jackson would end up working as a waiter? Oh, my God.
Right What kind of films do you two like? That's a pretty random, broad question.
Do you like, say, foreign films? Sometimes, yeah.
OK, nope.
And do either of you snore? I don't snore.
Good.
Do either of you like taking your clothes off in the living room? - Are you taking notes? - No.
Excuse me, ladies, but I just need to go and empty my bladder.
Actually, I'll join you, Eddie.
If you're off to take drugs, I'm leaving right now.
I hate drugs.
Really? My God, Honey is so stupid.
I mean, who ever heard of a stupid stripper? Well, Sam seems nice.
She does like Samuel Buca.
Picture yourself at home.
Who would you rather watch television with? Don Johnson? What? I mean out of Sam and Honey.
Why Don Johnson? I don't know.
He just sort of sprung to mind for some reason.
So, Sam or Honey? OK, well, if I was watching telly with Sam, I'd be worried she'd get all judgmental about what I wanna watch.
You don't know that.
Some people don't think grown men should watch CBeebies.
But then there's Honey.
She's so stupid! If we were watching telly she'd probably ask me how the little people got in the glass box.
You look just like Limahl! I am Limahl.
And he stays in character when he pees.
That's brilliant.
What's your name, mister? I said, Limahl! Yeah, all right, mate.
He was just being friendly.
I reckon you'd be moody too, if you had to pretend to be Limahl.
Come on.
Where's Honey? She left.
She wasn't very happy about competing for the room.
What? How did she find out? Guys, it was so obvious.
So why haven't you left, then? Because I am hungry.
Right, are we gonna do these, or what? - Cheers.
- Cheers.
And so, after a few more hours of drinking, we realised we had at least one thing in common.
One, two, three We both like drinking.
So, tell me, what did you do before you were a student? I used to be a model.
Hang on, you quit modelling to become a student? Why? I don't get it.
To learn something? To better myself? Nope.
Still don't get it.
I dunno.
I never really wanted to be a model.
My mum got me into it.
And are you a single woman? I am.
Just recently.
Are you trying to flirt with me, Dom? Are you calling me Dom? Yeah, why? It's Don.
Nuh.
Nuh.
Do-nuh.
Donna? That's a bit strange.
But OK.
Are you trying to flirt with me, Donna? Do you object to me flirting? - I thought you and Eddie were a couple.
- Me and Eddie? Me and Eddie! What a kooky notion! And totally way off, I'd like to add.
Well, you do act very coupley.
No, we don't! Oh, God.
Look at you.
Come here.
Get off! We are not a couple.
He just attends to my needs.
So it's a sexual thing? You're winding me up, aren't you? I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm a bit pissed.
Can I be honest? If it's about my teeth, then, no.
I'm very sensitive about them.
It's not about your teeth.
I wasn't sure about you at first.
I wasn't sure about you! One minute I thought you were a total dickhead, and the next minute I thought you were quite endearing.
- Thank you.
- Wasn't technically a compliment.
But we're having a laugh now, right? I think so.
Close your eyes.
What? You just said you thought I was endearing.
I also said I thought you were a total dickhead.
Still the biggest compliment I've had.
Surely this wouldn't be a good idea? Not if we're gonna be flatmates.
Actually, it could be perfect.
You know, we could be sex friends.
Just nail from time to time.
What? Imagine, right, it's a cold Sunday night.
There's nothing on telly except the Antiques Roadshow, so you and I nip upstairs, have some sexy intercourse, then nip back downstairs just in time to find out what the old fella got for his cuckoo clock.
That kind of thing.
Then, in six months' time, when Abby returns and I declare my love to her, you and I can just shake hands and go, "Thank you very much.
That was nice".
Right.
Very charmingly put.
- Thanks, Don.
- What for? For stopping me from making a huge and terrible mistake.
Idiot.
What the hell just happened, Don? So, back to where I started, all on my own again.
I'm so pleased you decided to move in.
Oh, thank you! Thanks.
Singing in my kitchen in my nude suit, yeah Come on, baby Singing in my nude I do hope you're gonna kick this naked habit, cos I don't wanna see your spotty arse every time I'm eating dinner.
What, you're moving in? - I thought I'd put you off.
- You had.
But not from moving in.
I'm a student, Don, and I can't say no to £45 a month, can I? I'm still furious about that, Eddie Singh.
Besides, just because we're gonna be flatmates, doesn't mean we have to be best buddies, does it? Anyway, I've got a lot of unpacking to do, so carry on singing in the nude.
Get off.