How to Stay Married (2018) s01e08 Episode Script

Episode 8

15 he's married.
They captured Saddam Hussein on the day of our wedding.
One dictatorship ended, another one begun.
(CHUCKLES) Of course, in this situation, I'm the the dick.
Where are you taking us? Well, all will be revealed, but I think that you are going to love it.
OK, you finish packing, I'm going to get the kids sorted.
OK, good idea.
Ooh! Greg is going to get lucky tonight.
(FARTS, SNORTS) (INDISTINCT CONVERSATION IN THE BACKGROUND) (SIGHS) Mum, I need my room back.
Oh, Sophie, how many times have we had this Chloe's night terrors are freaking me out.
They're not night terrors, I enjoy them.
You stood over my bed last night and sang, Ring A Ring A Rosie, with your eyes wide open.
Cool.
Look, Uncle Brad is he's Is getting back on his feet and he's lonely.
but once he meets someone, then he'll find a place of his own.
He's always going on dates with women.
Why can't he just find one and move in with them? Because it's not that easy.
For him.
Adults always overcomplicate things.
I'm sure it is that easy, I just have to find him the right person, then he'll move.
Well, if you can find him a girlfriend with a house and a pool, that would be awesome.
- Hmm.
- Let's go.
- OK, be good, be good, OK.
- See you, Chlo.
Happy anniversary.
You're so thoughtful.
Thanks, darling.
Do you have any idea where we're going yet? Wouldn't have a clue and couldn't be happier.
Just happy to have a night without the kids.
Yeah, I think that you're going to love it.
- Sure I will.
- Mm-hm.
Marlo sent us a text to say happy anniversary.
She and Terry were going to pop over last night, but they had a fight.
You know, sometimes, I think, that they invent fights just to get to the make-up sex.
- Really? - Yeah.
I walked in on them last week because Terry didn't wipe the sink.
Who wipes the sink? Well, obviously not you.
Maybe we should try that.
What? You know, make up a fight.
Oh, so that we can have make up sex? Mmm.
It worked for Terry and Marlo, I'm sure we've got that in us.
- Oh, yeah.
- Come on, Em, start a little argument.
But why do I have to start? Because you're good at starting fights.
It's one of your superpowers.
Yeah, OK, OK.
(CLEARS THROAT) Gee, Greg, I've noticed that you've put on a bit of weight recently.
Oh, piss off.
I mean, that's I'm sorry, that's a bit That's one of the no-go areas.
I didn't realise you were going to say that.
I mean, that's OK, OK, well, then, you try starting a fake fight, - it's - OK.
Um, Emily, I, I believe that perhaps, this morning, you've gone a little bit hard on the make-up.
Oh, oh, did I now? Yeah, possibly.
Looks a little bit sl Oh, slutty? Your word, not mine.
Greg, I have seen more convincing performances in a Bunnings commercial.
Oh, some of them are very good.
Seriously, who wipes the sink? That's better.
Bradley! 4.
7.
Our perfect rating is now 4.
7, out of five.
Right? Our Uber rating has gone down.
Oh.
What did you do? We were perfect passengers.
We asked her where she was from - Germany.
- Russia.
We asked her how long she'd been in Australia.
- 27 years.
- It was 12 years, actually.
It was 12 years, but She seemed lonely.
So, Terry even gave her a free life coaching voucher.
Yeah, it was the least I could do, but, still, 4.
7.
- 4.
7! - Aargh! - Aargh! - You right there, Tez? Yeah.
We had make-up sex, cuddles last night in the laundry.
Doing the old reverse tumble dryer.
If our whitegoods could talk, I mean And, so, can you fix this or what, Bradley? Well, only the driver can amend the rating.
Could you put us in touch with her? Guys, there's no way.
It's against the Uber code of ethics.
I could get hauled in front of the Uber tribunal, just for talking to you about this.
Do you know this woman? Wow, she's beautiful.
Yeah, we need to talk some sense into her! I mean, this must be a mistake.
4.
7! She does have amazing eyes.
So intense.
But, no, no, I can't.
OK, this is your problem.
I have a lot of problems, Sophie, you'll have to be more specific.
I know you're looking for love, Uncle Brad, OK? But you're not going to find it on Tinder.
What? You have to take the real-life opportunities.
And this woman looks really nice.
And she's a little bit older, which might be a good thing.
And she's lonely.
(SIGHS) I might be able to make some calls.
- Yes! - Great, Bradley.
- (GRUNTS) - Ah, careful.
So, do you recognize it? It's a roadside motel.
It's OUR motel, Greg.
In in, what sense? Well, don't you remember, we'd just started dating, and we got drunk at the Loaded Toad.
Yeah.
And then you lost your wallet, with your house keys, down the drain.
Sounds like something I would do.
And then we got kicked out of the cab, because you said to the cabbie, "Wank you very much," which you could never get away with.
- You always could.
- Yes, wank you very much.
OK then.
And then we came here, and we got a hotel room.
Good, good one.
- Funny.
Funny.
- Yeah.
Wait, wait.
We're not actually staying here, are we? Yeah, well, I I thought that it would be romantic.
Did you at least check with the Trivago girls? - She's - We're doing this, Greg.
Good.
Greg.
Here's your chance.
Chance for what? Wank you very much.
I couldn't get away with it, with a cab driver, let alone a police officer.
Oh, go on.
Em, she's an officer of the law.
I'm pretty sure - that's illegal.
- Fine, I'll do it.
No, no, no.
No, hang on, just I'm still good for it! No, no.
Jeez, take a joke, why don't you? I mean your sense of humour called and they want to know where you are.
- (CHUCKLES) - What? Excuse me, officer.
(CLEARS THROAT) Officer? Oh, yes? Ah, ah, do you have the time? Ah, yes, it's just past five.
Oh, wank you very much.
Sorry, what was that? I was just saying, "Wank you very much.
" Did you just say, "Wank you very much?" Do you think because of what I choose to do for a living, you can say "Wank you very much" to me? Why would I say that, you're a police officer.
It makes no sense that I would say that.
- That's right.
Yeah, I'm a police officer.
- Yes.
Right! So I'm going to ask you again.
And before you answer, know that I have a body camera on me at all times, recording everything.
Did you just say, "Wank you very much?" - She made me do it.
- What? Is this true, ma'am? Well, oh, I'm sorry, but no.
I don't even know what that word means.
You know what it means.
You know, this job, it comes with a lot of pressure, you know, these days, with terrorism, now.
- Mmm.
- Yeah.
- Crime.
- Mmm.
We would appreciate it if members of the public didn't come up to us and say, "Wank you very much.
" Understood? Yes, I'm sorry.
We we're both sorry.
Right.
- First and last warning.
- Yeah.
- 10-four.
- Yep.
- Over and out.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Sorry, OK.
Happy? Oh, I can't believe you ratted on me.
(CHUCKLES) OK, Beryl Deep, the director's ready for you.
Did you just hear those two idiots, totally thought I was a real cop.
Congratulations.
- Thank you.
- Let's go shoot a porno.
Roger that.
10-4.
Over and out.
(SIGHS) (SUSPENSEFUL WESTERN MUSIC PLAYS) - She's here.
- Are you nervous? Of course I'm nervous.
Uber's number-one selling point is the fact that they can track us.
And the mints.
OK.
Well, forget Uber and just focus on Nadia - 52, five foot nine, Russian.
Eyes like Gold Coast wave pools during school holidays.
You're more focused than I realised.
I don't even know if she's single.
- Well, just find out.
- Well, how do I do that? I don't know.
just be subtle.
You know, look for a wedding ring.
Just be cool.
Yeah, just be cool, Uncle Brad.
- Go! - Oh.
Jeez.
(THINKS) "Look for a wedding ring.
" Are you single? - MARLO: Brad's made contact.
- TERRY: I'm ready to go in.
Did you bring any protection, Tez? Probably not the right time, darl.
No, I meant a weapon.
What if this Russian goes all KGB on us? Well, we'll just go all KGB all over her.
Failing that, you brought the peace offering? Freshly baked.
(TIN RATTLES) Let's do this.
GREG: Oh, I mean, it's certainly Don't.
Sorry, you're right, it's going to be great.
And it's time for your anniversary gift.
- Close your eyes.
- Oh, OK! - (SIGHS) - (CHUCKLES) Greg.
Why does the room all of a sudden smell like a urine-soaked nappy? Well, in fairness, the room smelt like that before we got here.
Oh, Greg, did you pack beer in the case? It's your anniversary gift.
Grim Lager? Yeah, it's a it's a home-brew, um, our own special drop, established 2003.
You made me home brew? There's still one intact, we should we should taste it.
- Oh, no, no, no.
- No.
We should.
- It's OK.
- (BEER FIZZES) Sorry.
Speak.
I've made you a peace offering.
Nadia? It's Anzac bickies in there.
And they're infused with Turkish delight.
Consider it a a peace treaty.
A sweetie treaty, peace treat.
They may declare war on your waistline, Nadia, but they're bloody delicious.
- You can keep the tin.
- I don't want tin.
OK.
Mmm.
I like.
BRAD: Oh, well, another strike.
Oh, Brad, you can't give up just like that.
I'm not good at this stuff, Soph.
And there's nothing you can do to fix that.
And, don't worry, you can have your room back.
I know that's the only reason you're helping me.
I can be your wing girl.
I want to be a wing girl too! I just never know what to say.
Maybe just don't say anything then.
You know, let your actions do the talking.
Actions.
Like dancing? No, not dancing.
What do you mean, then? I don't know yet.
Greg, why would you think I would like that? I don't even drink beer.
- You used to drink beer.
- Oh, yeah, before we were married! Like, seriously, Greg, it would be like me buying you the box set of Sex and the City.
I used to watch that show with you! Yeah.
But you only pretended to like it.
At least I care enough to pretend.
Yeah? Well, you could have fooled me! What's that supposed to mean? Oh, why don't you ask the Trivago girl? Oh, seriously, this is the last time - (PHONE RINGS) - that I organise anything romantic for us.
Oh! Hello, Emily Butler speaking.
Oh, hi, Carol! Yeah! Yeah? - Yeah? - (SIGHS) Oh, yeah, of course.
I can change that around.
That's fine.
(LAUGHS) Isn't that the truth? Alright.
Bye, Carol.
How is it OK that I get the worst version of you? Oh, and this version of you is a fucking masterpiece? There you go again, using your super power.
Oh! I'm going to the bar, if this place even has one.
Oh, well, tell them if they've run out of beer, that they can come and wring out my lingerie! Your two star review brought us down to a 4.
7.
In Russia, every driver give under two stars.
There is only one man with three stars, and he is national hero.
Wow.
Was it Marlo's perfume? Yeah, it's that new Britney Spears.
No.
Did you did you think that Terry picked his nose, because I saw you looking at me in the mirror.
No.
You really want to know? - Yes.
- Yeah.
It was voucher.
The what? The life doctor voucher.
You think I look like a person who has life problem? - (SIGHS) - I want to say yes.
- No.
- No.
And even if I did, what makes you think I cannot solve them myself? Is it because I'm Russian? - No.
- No! Terry loves Russia.
His favourite Rocky is the one where he beats the shit of the Russian.
Every problem I have, I can solve by myself, and Ooh! Oh! Ooh! You right? (GROANS) Nadia! You OK? What is in biscuit?! - (GASPS FOR BREATH) - Are you allergic to pistachios? OH! Was pistachio in Anzac biscuit! It was it was a peace biscuit.
I mean, the Turks love pistachio.
She needs a doctor! She said she didn't want my help, Marlo.
She needs a real doctor, Terry! Get her out.
- Come on.
- What's happening? She's gone into anaphylactic shock! SOPHIE: She must have an Epipen.
- (CHOKES AND GROANS) - Check the glove box.
- That's it.
- I've got it, I've got it.
(GROANS) Uncle Brad it's time to dance.
May I? - Nadia - (GROANS) look into my eyes.
(YELLS) (SCREAMS) (GROANS) (ANGELIC MUSIC) Boring! (RACECALLER SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY ON TV) Thanks.
15 years on, eh? Are they any better or worse off? Yeah.
You know, I can remember exactly where I was 15 years ago when they caught him.
So can I, funnily enough.
I was in a threesome.
What were you doing? I was in a church.
Oh.
What are the odds of that? My threesome was in a church.
Michael Fassmember.
Like the actor? Yeah, obviously.
(SIGHS) MAN: (THROUGH WALL) Am I under arrest? WOMAN: Take that.
You're under arrest.
Have you been a very naughty criminal? Yes, I am a very naughty criminal.
- Wow.
- Oh (CHUCKLES) - Yeah.
- Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
that's it.
REPORTER: Fall of Saddam Hussein - That's right.
- Yeah - Right there.
Yep.
- (REPORT CONTINUES ON TV) - (MOANS) - Oh, God.
More.
More - More! Yes! - (MOANS) Yes! Oh! (INCREASINGLY HIGH-PITCHED) Yes! Oh! - Yeah - Harder! Exactly.
I mean, did you think to yourself 15 years ago, that, you know, you'd be in some shitty motel, doing the same old things to the same old people? Just fluffing your way through life.
(PHONE RINGS) Ah I should get this.
I accidentally soaked my wife's lingerie in the old home-brew.
(CHUCKLES) Course you did, dirty old dog, eh? - Eh? - Yeah.
(SIGHS) (PHONE CONTINUES RINGING) Hey! Emma, wait up.
Emma Bone, we up next or what? - Hey.
- SOPHIE: Hey, listen to this.
- WOMAN: Oh, yes! - MAN: Oh! (RHYTHMIC THUDDING) Is that on the TV? (LAUGHS) No, it's in the room next door.
(MOANING CONTINUES) That can't be real.
(CHUCKLES) You reckon that's what we sounded like last time we were here? - (CHUCKLES) - (MAN MOANS LOUDLY) I'm not sure if I've ever quite hit that pitch.
(LAUGHS) (THUDDING CONTINUES) - 15 years is a long time, Em.
- Yep.
It's been a good 15 years, though.
Yeah.
I mean, I think we've changed, Greg.
- I, um - (MOANS) I guess, kids and mortgages and smartphones will do that.
But whenever something exciting, or funny, or fun happens (THUDDING AND MOANING CONTINUES) you're always the first person that I want to share it with.
(SIGHS) Why don't you come to the bar and have a drink with me? Yeah, I could come to the bar and have a make-up drink, or you could come to our room and have make-up On my way! (INSISTENT KNOCKING) Oh, that was quick.
OK, it's open! Right.
Police, don't move! Um yeah Uh Oh! You're under arrest.
But you might want to just Oh You must experience it yourself - Apologies for the mix-up.
- (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Once again, Officer, I'm so sorry you saw my Shooting high-end pornography, that's one thing.
Shooting without a permit These lowlifes are defrauding the Australian Taxation Office, which I personally find grotesque.
Yep.
Wouldn't hang around this dive if I were you.
Wank you very much, officer.
Nighty-night.
(BOTH LAUGH) (QUIETLY) I did it.
I did it! I said, "Wank you very much.
" (LAUGHS) Do you wanna get out of here? Maybe come back to my place? My parents are away this weekend.
Oh, so we could do it in a double bed? - We could totally do that.
- Mmm Oh, or you could come back to mine 'cause my folks are away for the weekend too.
Sounds perfect.
Oh, but I should warn you that I have two daughters well, two beautiful daughters who are getting taller and smarter and cheekier by the day.
I know what you mean.
And I have these neighbours who are these loud, in-your-face, brash lunatics, who just happen to have the biggest hearts, and libidos to match, and they live across the road, but they're big part of our house.
Now that we're being honest, I may as well tell you that if you come back to my place, you will find my brother, who is living with me.
He's been knocked around a bit recently, but he just keeps getting back on the horse, and I really hope that he can find what he's looking for.
What's he looking for? This.
- Hey! - Hey! Mwah! Oh, hello! - Ooh! - Guys Uh, this is Nadia.
Hello.
Em and Greg, my brother.
- Ah, your brother? - Brother, yeah.
- How nice.
- MARLO: Been a big day.
Good stuff.
TERRY: We almost killed her.
- (LAUGHS) - Not intentionally.
- But she gave us our five stars back.
- Who's for some fish and chips? - Yeah! - Yeah! Who wants a Grim Lager? Mmm! (GAGS) Ooh, bloody hell, Greg! It tastes like cat's piss.
Oh, well, that's put a dampener on it.
Cheers, everyone! Whoo-hoo-hoo! Yeah!