How We Roll (2022) s01e09 Episode Script

The Houseguest

So? You believe I won these steaks? Yes, honey, and we're very proud of you.
Every time you bring it up.
The point is, things are going pretty well for the old Smallwoods.
I mean, your salon is up and running, Sam's got a solo in his big recital, and I'm getting used to seeing Archie's toothbrush in the bathroom.
And, thanks to me, we're all enjoying 20-ounce T-bones.
For the fifth night in a row.
My sweat smells like gravy.
I'm so full of iron, I wouldn't get through a metal detector.
It's Rick Rholla, the Rock 'n' Roll Bowla.
- Why's he calling you? - Wait.
Hey, honey, we said no phones at the table.
Yeah, but that was before I gave Rick my number.
Can I take it? Please? Please? - Fine.
- Thank you.
What's up? Hey, Smallwood.
What's up, man? What's-what's going on? You okay? Yeah, bro.
No, bro.
My divorce is final.
Oh, Rick, I'm-I'm I'm so sorry.
You're gonna You're gonna be okay.
Am I? My son won't talk to me, my wife's banging my divorce attorney, and I'm taking pills for hair loss.
I'm done with bowling, man.
What? No.
You're-you're Rick Rholla.
You're one of the reasons I became a bowla.
And your hair looks great.
You d You don't need pills.
It's preventative.
Everything that came from bowling the success, the money, the fame I-I just I don't want it.
Bowling ruined my life, Smallwood.
- I'm hanging up my balls forever.
- No.
No, listen, you called me.
I'm gonna help you, okay? You can hang your balls on me.
Let's have another sip of this before we think about what I just said for too long.
You know what? Just go.
I never should have called.
Are you kidding me? I-I'm glad you called.
Come on.
Buck up.
You're coming home with me.
You are gonna look so snazzy at your recital.
I just hope you don't grow out of it as fast as your dad did.
I used to put him to bed in a T-shirt and sweatpants, and he would wake up in a crop top and capris.
- Dad wore suits when he was a kid? - Yeah.
Lot of funerals in our family.
Don't smoke or go ice fishing in spring.
Oh, make sure you leave some room in the waist.
I'm making another steak sandwich for lunch.
I'm starting to get to the weird part of the cow.
- Hey.
- Hey.
There's my beautiful wife.
My sweet angel of the morning.
You slept in pretty late.
Everything okay with Rick Rholla? Hopefully, it will be.
You got any aspirin? And vodka? Uh, see, I-I was actually just about to tell you that Rick slept in the basement last night.
Uh, Rick, this is my family.
Family, this is, um, my Rick.
So, he can walk around the kitchen in his underwear, but I can't? It's cool with me.
Nice-looking family, Smallwood.
Cherish it.
Before it's too late.
- Is he crying? - Yeah.
Men do that these days.
Um, sweetie, a word? Sure.
- It's Rick Rholla.
- Uh Rick Rholla is staying in our house.
This is crazy.
I can see how excited this makes you.
I just I wish you'd asked me first.
Look, he's in a really bad place.
I-It's just for a couple days.
Yeah, but, honey, I told you, I have to do a bride's hair for her wedding this weekend.
It's just not a good time for a houseguest.
He's not a houseguest.
Rick Rholla is a bowling god.
I idolize him.
And he asked me for help.
I Okay.
But can you help your idol put some pants on? - Yes.
- Okay.
Thank you.
I swear, deep down, he's a really good guy.
You know, you remind me of my son.
Now he tells his friends I'm dead.
Really, really deep down.
Told you, I'm not gonna bowl.
Come on.
Don't you want to feel the perfect release coming off your fingertips? Hear the sound of the crashing pins? Smell the carpet that Archie put in before the smoking ban? Or just sit right there in the middle of the action.
Ease back in.
I see what you're doing.
Why the hell did you bring him here? That's your competition.
You don't invite the Joker to the Batcave.
He's in bad shape.
He's lost his passion for the game.
And you done lost your passion for common sense.
Come on, Arch.
I just want to get him to fall back in love with it again.
Or you could just do nothing and let one of your biggest competitors go stock shelves for Amazon.
I don't want to win like that.
That's not who I am.
Plus, I'm not just helping Rick the bowla, I'm helping Rick the person.
Well, I'd lock both their asses in my deep freeze and thaw them out after the season ended.
Hey, buddy.
So, you can just watch, but if you change your mind, feel free to join in any time.
Got it.
Orgy rules.
Great news, man.
You know that hot dog stand on 7th? You mean the one that uses the D from its health inspection to spell out "dog"? Mm-hmm.
- That's the one.
- Hmm.
And they're naming a hot dog after you.
- What? Shut it.
- Yeah, man.
Yeah, no, no.
They're calling it "The Smallwood.
" Putting it on the menu tomorrow.
Hey! So, uh, what are they gonna do? They're they're they're putting it on the menu tomorrow.
See, when I did this sort of thing, they made a big deal out of it.
Turned it into an event.
Sounds like you miss it.
Not at all.
I'm just saying, it starts with them naming a hot dog after you, next thing you know, you're making 10K an appearance.
Right, right, right, yeah.
Let me make a call.
Uh, excuse me, Mr.
Rock 'n' Roll Bowla, do you mind if I take a picture? - Yeah, whatever you want, buddy.
- Okay.
You don't want to be in them? No, thanks.
Every time you're photographed, uh, you lose a piece of your soul forever.
Cool if I post these? This place is depressing.
I'm gonna go sit in your truck and listen to country music and look at old family pictures on my phone.
Come on, buddy.
Let's throw a few.
You know, calling my place depressing is a good way to get me to depress my foot in your ass.
Okay, perfect.
Just talked to the hot dog people.
They want you to do a ribbon cutting ceremony tomorrow night.
I told them to call it a rebranding.
Help people forget about that lady finding a Band-Aid in her chili dog.
I turned it into an event.
Lew, that is amazing.
I mean, the Band-Aid part was-was disgusting, but that is amazing.
It is, man.
It is.
This could really raise your profile.
- You think? - Absolutely.
T-they said The Smallwood is like a slider, only for hot dogs.
It's a whole new market.
This is very exciting.
So, they're naming a tiny wiener after you? Uh-huh.
I wouldn't celebrate, I'd sue.
I'd definitely go with the romantic updo with flowers.
It's gonna go perfect with your wedding dress.
I still can't believe I'm getting married in two days.
Hey, Smallwood's wife.
Did you know we're out of milk? Oh, Rick, you're here, and not at the bowling alley like Tom swore you would be.
Oh, yeah, I'm done with that place.
I am officially Rick Rholla, the Guy Who Used to Bowla.
Until he lost his soul-a.
Well, I'm sure the last place you want to be is with a bunch of women talking about hair, so No, no, no, no, I want to be around nice, normal people doing normal things.
Oh, man.
That jacked-up squirrel is trying to stare me down again.
Got to show them who's alpha.
And what's your story, cupcake? Oh, uh, this is Tom's friend Rick.
Rick, this is Sarah.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- She's getting married this weekend.
- Oh, yeah? - Mm-hmm.
- Good for you.
Make sure you remember how you feel looking into his eyes at the altar.
Might stop you from ripping out his heart one day.
We're gonna get back to the consultation I used to be married.
But then fame and success kicked in.
Always on the road, groupies showing up at my hotel room.
Next thing you know, you're paying a thousand bucks to keep a tape of you and three Waffle House waitresses - off the Internet.
- Uh Rick.
You know, I missed my own mom's funeral because I thought it was more important to bowl the Roto-Rooter Open.
You don't need milk, you need Jesus.
Look, okay, that's the great thing about love.
Everyone's fairy tale is different.
True, but they all end up the same.
They say till death do you part, but what they don't tell you is it can be a living death of endless misery.
But mazel tov! - There you are, buddy.
- Hey.
I've been looking all over for you.
Here I am.
W-what's wrong? Geez.
You don't have to yell.
So guess who has some exciting news.
If you don't come to my funeral, I am going to choke you with my cold, dead fingers.
What? And I better never find a video of you on the Internet with anyone from a Waffle House.
Okay, I-I feel like I stepped out for Twizzlers and missed an important part of the movie.
Eh, that's my bad.
I may or may not have shared some juicy excerpts from the Book of Rick.
- Ooh, I want to hear.
- No.
Okay, time's up, everybody.
It's me.
The answer is me.
I have exciting news.
You're looking at someone who's gonna have his own hot dog named after him.
- That's so cool.
- Right? Kind of a big deal.
There's a huge ribbon cutting tomorrow night.
Small hot dog, but big deal.
Uh Tom.
What? Tomorrow night's my show.
Oh, no.
Um Did you forget? No, I didn't forget.
I I just forgot to remember.
And so it begins.
Someone say something about pie? Tom, how could you forget about his recital? It's all anyone has been talking about for weeks.
Oh, I know why he forgot.
He was too busy helping this adult man.
Don't worry, Sam.
Your dad is gonna work it out.
Yes, that's right, Sam.
I'll work it out.
Having a food named after you is a big deal.
They named a donut after me.
They called it The Rick-hole.
They got the "hole" part right.
Hey, Smallwood's kid, don't take it personally.
You got to realize your dad's career comes first.
He's gonna miss a lot of your shows, graduations and probation hearings.
But it'll be even more special when he does make one.
If he ever does.
No, Sam, I-I'm not gonna miss it.
Of course he's not.
So you'll skip it? I can do both.
Everything's gonna be fine.
And to think all of this started in 1880, when a German immigrant accidentally dropped a sausage in a bun.
The hot dog was born.
Feel like we've been here since 1880.
This is taking forever.
I was supposed to cut that ribbon 30 minutes ago.
It's crazy.
I thought the hot dog was thousands of years old.
It's Jen.
I got to get to Sam's recital.
Oh, boy, I don't miss that.
Trying to be in two places, knowing you're letting everybody down.
I am just happy to be a guy standing here learning about franks.
Hey, uh, little twist in the ceremony.
They added another ribbon cutter.
Did you win a spelling bee, too? No, I-I'm a professional bowler.
And now, for the ribbon cutting.
- Finally.
- But first, did you know there's 27 varieties of mustard? Number one This is gonna be good.
Lew, I'm sorry, I don't have time for this.
If I don't leave right now, I am screwed.
I think you might already be screwed.
Isn't that your truck getting towed over there? You said it was okay to park there! No, I said it was okay by me.
I'm running with scissors! How's Sam doing? Well, hiding under the covers and wouldn't talk to me.
So either he's really mad or maybe he just built a really sweet fort.
Probably mad, though.
It didn't look that cool.
He's not mad, Tom.
He's hurt.
He's been rehearsing that show for weeks, and you didn't even show up.
I did.
I showed up.
I was just late.
By the time I got there, they were already setting up for an A.
I don't want to say who I saw there, but - we might want a new dentist.
- Mm.
I-I mean, Tom, you've always put your family first.
- I do.
- You didn't today.
How do I make it up to him? You'll figure it out.
I'm gonna get him a puppy.
Oh, hey, Smallwood.
Glad you're up.
How do you turn the parental locks off your Wi-Fi? I put in "big naturals," but all it's showing me is waterfalls.
You know what, Rick? Um I think you got to go.
- Are you serious? - I'm going through some stuff with my family, I-I got to figure it out and I-I don't want a guy like you around while I do.
Ooh, a guy like me? What, because I'm so terrible and you're so great? Beep, beep, beep, beep.
News flash, we're the same.
No, we're not.
I am I'm not you.
I am your future.
You may not be here yet, but you will be.
This is what bowling does.
You keep saying that, but it's not bowling that ruined you.
It's you that ruined you.
You know, I thought you were cool.
But you're sounding a lot like my ex-wife.
And our marriage counselor.
And the judge.
- And the neighbors.
- No, stop.
Think about that.
Everyone who can leave you has left you.
But the one thing you have left, bowling, you don't want to do it.
So I'm sorry, you can't help a sheep out of a fence if the sheep doesn't want to get out! What? You're a horse, I've led you to water but you won't drink.
What the hell are you saying to me, Smallwood? Look, I'm saying there's no point.
If you don't want help, why are you here? I'm sorry.
You got to go.
Well, all right, I'll go.
But just remember you made choices, too.
You didn't have to go to that ribbon cutting.
That's on you.
Kicking me out in the middle of the night? It's gonna be really awkward when you see me leave in the morning.
Jen? Mom? Sam? Uh, would you come downstairs, please? Pretty please? Okay, okay, I got this.
Mom, it's just me.
Yeah, I know that.
- Give me the bat, please? - No.
Just give me the Please, sit down.
This-this is important.
Okay, first of all Give me that bat.
Okay, I-I'm sorry, just sit down.
I know you're all mad at me, and it makes sense.
So you figured, "What the hell, I'll just wake everyone up at the ass crack of dawn and sing them a really stupid song.
That'll smooth things over.
" When you realize how important something is, you want to do it right away.
What's so important? You.
All of you.
Which is why I want to invite you to the grand opening of my promise to always put my family first.
I was gonna sing a song now, but I'm reading the room, so I'll skip it.
You may have just saved your own life.
Look, I know I messed up.
Jen, I-I never should've had Rick stay here in the first place.
I'm sorry.
And Mom, of course I'm gonna be at your funeral.
Will you cry and make a scene and try to throw yourself into the hole? I'm gonna cry so hard they're gonna think I'm a suspect.
And Sam, I owe you the biggest apology of all.
I should've been at your show.
I had a choice to make, I made the wrong one.
It won't happen again.
And you can be mad at me.
I'd be mad at me, too, so you can be mad as long as you want.
- Can I keep the giant scissors? - Hell yeah.
We're good.
Now come and cut the only ribbon that matters.
The ribbon that represents the bond of our family.
Wait, so why are we cutting it, then? Yeah, wouldn't that be severing the bond? Yeah.
No, and if you'd let me sing my song, you would've known that.
Okay, Sam, cut the ribbon so we can watch the recital video and eat breakfast.
You made breakfast? Yep.
Steak and eggs and more steak.
But that's the last of the meat.
Hey, Smallwood, Smallwood's family.
Do you know any of our names? Yeah.
Smallwood's wife, Smallwood's mom, Smallwood's kid.
And that's Carl.
You got a minute? Yeah, man.
What's up? Before I leave town, I just wanted to say I'm sorry.
You said a lot of stuff I needed to hear.
And, uh, for what it's worth, if I'm ever in trouble again, you'll still be my first call.
You don't have to say that.
I mean it.
Well, yeah, what I meant to say was, don't-don't say that.
You're a funny guy.
I'll see you around, Smallwood.
Oh, little tip.
When you're set, bring the ball up higher and you'll get a better backswing.
So more like this? No, no, no.
Here, let me just show you.
I did the same thing when I was a kid.
Wow, looks like I helped Rick find his passion again.
It looks like you just hurt your odds of a top ten finish by helping your biggest competitor get his mojo back.
Hey, Smallwood's coach.
Give me a lane.
Rick Rholla's ready to bowla.

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