Human Resources (2022) s01e01 Episode Script


1 - [instrumental music swells.]
- [indistinct chatter.]
Welcome to Human Resources.
As a new employee at the most prestigious organization in human relations, you are about to embark on an amazing adventure.
Life down on Earth can be very complicated, and that's why people need us.
You'll be assigned your human clients by the tube.
I got Michael Bloomberg? Okay.
You'll have the opportunity to work with creatures in many departments.
Your team members will be Hormone Monsters [chuckles.]
This is so hot.
And she hasn't even used her tools yet.
Shame Wizards Oh, your wife is texting you about picking up your daughter from school.
Did you want me to respond? [woman.]
Lovebugs Oh, my God.
The love of your life is proposing to you at the Eiffel Tower.
Depression Kitties Honey, Leonardo DiCaprio called.
He wants his blood diamond back.
Logic Rocks Hey, Jeremy, there's no reason to stand up yet.
I promise you, you will get off the plane.
And many more.
You are all essential workers who help make humans human, seven days a week, 52 weeks a year, 1,000 years a millennium.
This is Human Resources.
- [static buzz.]
- Any questions? Sorry, just want to clarify.
The show's going to be like Big Mouth? Well, Big Mouth meets The Office is how we sold it.
Oh, I'd watch that.
Hey, Mr.
Dick Pinwheel.
If not you, who? ["Make Me Feel" by Janelle Monáe plays.]
That's just the way you make me feel That's just the way you make me feel That's just the way you make me feel So good, so good, so fuckin' real So good, so good, so fuckin' real That's just the way you make me feel That's just the way you make me feel It's like I'm powerful With a little bit of tender An emotional, sexual bender Mess me up, yeah But no one does it better There's nothin' better That's just the way you make me feel [birds chirping.]
[melodic music plays.]
Hey, Joe, I tell you my wife is all into energy work now? - Oh, brother.
- Yeah, exactly.
She says my "heart chakra" is all clogged up, whatever the fuck that means.
It's like, come on, "Can't you just let me watch penis hockey in peace for Christ's sake?" - That was a game last night.
- Good morning, gentlemen.
Hey, Maury, you heard about that new VR sex app the humans are into? Whatever happened to yanking your old dick to an oil painting of a stacked milkmaid? Those were the days, my friends.
I'm telling you, in 20 years, nobody's gonna fuck.
Oh, please.
You guys said the same thing when women discovered vibrators.
Yeah, well, I don't know.
It put an end to fucking in my house.
[mellow music plays.]
Hey, Maury.
What kind of cake do you want for your birthday? What's that? Oh no, it's not my birthday.
It's on the office calendar.
Don't be weird.
Ugh! Why do we always have to have treats for birthdays like we're all a bunch of fucking children? Sorry for trying to do something nice.
What a bitch I am, getting you cake.
Oh, I fucking hate this job.
Becca, I'm afraid we're going to have to put you on bed rest for the last month of your pregnancy.
The fuck you are! - Excuse me? - Uh, sweetie I start arguing a case on Monday, and I'll queef this baby out in the jury box before I'd miss it.
- She'll do it, Doc.
- [growls.]
I need another option.
Well, there are no other options.
We need to make sure your water doesn't break early.
- Oh no! What if the baby doesn't survive? - [tense music plays.]
Or what if it does, and it's born with a pointy head, and it can only wear Santa hats? [buzzing.]
What a terrible life! Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Yes, floor is mine.
Tito's crazy Santa hat fixation aside, this is a big fucking deal.
I know.
That's what I'm saying.
Speaking from the point of view of ambition, how's Becca supposed to make partner while she's stuck on bed rest? And logically, this makes no sense.
Hypertension doesn't even run in her family.
Who cares about that shit? They're never gonna fuck again once that baby turns her pussy into Bolognese.
- Connie, gonna need you to chill out.
- [chuckles.]
Emmy, yo.
You're getting all this, right? Uh Yep.
Got it.
Gettin' it.
"Pussy Bolognese.
" We got it.
Don't worry, Connie, they will have sex.
It'll just be less frequent and not as good.
And the sex with Barry already wasn't very good or frequent, was it? [laughs.]
"I'm Barry.
I always announce when I'm about to cum.
" "I'm cumming, I'm Barry.
" [laughing.]
I love her Barry even more than the real Barry.
Barry's not cool.
Hey, knock it off.
Becca loves Barry.
And she's gonna love this baby too because I'm doing my goddamn job and I need the rest of you to get on board.
- Okay.
- Indeed.
That means no more kickboxing and no work.
Petra, nod if you hear me.
Okay, fine, fine.
But her delicate womb can still review briefs, okay? She's allowed to move her fucking eyeballs, right? [melodic music plays.]
Emmy [clears throat.]
I'm going to be real with you.
Your notes are crap, you spend all your time doing imitations - Impressions.
- Taking surveys But everyone loves my "Would you rather" board.
It makes them want to come to work.
Work should make people want to come to work.
Yeah, but it doesn't.
Let me ask you something, do you even want to be a professional Lovebug? I guess? But, honestly, as long as I can still afford my nightly pizza-burrito with my friends, it's all Gucci, Stanley Tucci.
Hey, Emmy, shut the fuck up.
What we do here is important.
It's not some bullshit job that exists just to pay for whatever a pizza-burrito is.
Sonya, pizza-burritos are so good.
Oh my God.
I don't care.
Bro! Becca's about to have a fucking baby.
Sonya, are you okay? I'm fine.
I've just got a lot on my plate, and you, my assistant, have zero interest in taking anything off of it.
Okay, I'm sorry about your plate.
Damn! What's her problem? I don't know.
I already forgot what she said.
So, how was your date last night with that Addiction Angel? Come on, come on, spill the nectar, honey.
I am parched.
Did he take you to a romantic restaurant? Ooh, did he get vulnerable with you over candlelight? Well, not exactly.
We just sort of got straight to the, uh, boning portion of the evening.
Girl, again? It's totally fine.
And it's also It's actually what I wanted [hesitates.]
and it's fine.
You're a terrible liar.
Honey, you need someone who will fill your belly with fancy food before they fill your shelly with unprotected sex things.
Oh my God, how'd you know it was unprotected? Girl, please.
I know who I'm talking to.
What the fuck do you want? - What's security doing in Sonya's office? - I have no idea.
- Um, was this in Sonya's calendar? - [laughs.]
How am I supposed to know? You're her assistant.
That's like literally your job.
Fuck you.
You can't fire me.
I got Barack and Michelle together.
She goes to the Obama well a little too often.
[thudding, clattering.]
- Okay, let's go.
- Get your scaly hands off me.
- I am a senior Lovebug.
- [ominous music plays.]
- [Eric.]
Not anymore.
- Fuck you, Eric.
Oh my God.
And what are you all looking at? You've never seen someone get dragged out by security before? You bastards.
You fire her, you fire all of us! I'm tot I'm kidding.
I'm kidding.
I love my job and my nice things.
Please don't fire me.
[lively instrumental music plays.]
[bell dings.]
Hey, dick phlegm, I hear it's your birthday.
How old is that fat fucking face of yours? - I'm, uh, 40 million.
- "Forty million"? And you're still working with kids? That's entry-level shit.
I like the kids.
They're enthusiastic.
Yeah, they're "enthusiastic.
" That's cute.
I'm happy for your sad life.
Meanwhile, you hear I just got promoted to head of testosterone for the NFL? - You got the gig? - Fuck yeah! Moved on from teens right into ripped meathead dumb fucks.
- Mwah! I love those psychos.
- [bell dings.]
Anyway, I'm headed to Vegas this weekend to watch a couple of teams bash each other's brains into oatmeal, then get fucked out at the Bunny Ranch sideways.
- Happy birthday, you babysitter bitch.
- [bell dings.]
Did you guys know that Gavin was promoted? Who cares? We all get the same dental.
Sure, but Gavin's really doing something with his life.
You know what I mean? Nope.
I mean, I'm perfectly satisfied getting children to touch their privates.
You don't ever question what your greater purpose is? - [snorts.]
Why would we do that? - [sighs.]
I wish I was a simple shit-for-brains like you fucking zeros.
Unfortunately, my inner depths know no bounds.
- All right, have a good one, chief.
- Have fun looking inward.
Some monsters are never happy.
Maybe he's not getting it up.
- [loud thud.]
- Whoa.
Whoa! - What the hell? - Uh, hey, Todd? The elevator's stuck.
That's been happening.
Oh, okay, well, can you come fix it, genius? Can you say "please"? Okay, sure, yeah.
No, pretty please, Mr.
Janitor who cleans doodie out of the toilet, will you come and do your goddamn job? I'm not a janitor, I'm an operations manager.
Did he just hang up on us? If we get stuck here, I eat you, you understand? I can't imagine I'd taste good.
'Cause what I'm putting in is not good.
- What are you eating? - I'm doing a lot of prawns.
I'm doing all prawns.
Come on, baby girl, you really have no idea why Sonya got fired? Okay, I get it.
I don't take notes, I don't pay attention, - I lied about my military service.
- Walter, Walter, do you know anything? I mean, you two are always up each other's asses.
Like, way up.
I mean, there's a lot of options.
There's the drinking I heard she fucked the Grinch at the Christmas party.
Go, Sonya.
I heard the Grinch is hung like a stocking.
Well, now she's fucked us.
Thank you.
Okay? And what the hell's gonna happen with Becca? She's already gonna have a pointy-headed weirdo baby and now she's got no Lovebug? [buzzes.]
Ahh! Hey, guys, it's the tube.
Oh! It's for Emmy.
Ooh! I never get these.
Okay, let's see here.
"Due to Becca Li's imminent birth and her familiarity with the case, Emmy Fairfax will step in as Becca's Lovebug until a replacement is found"? - I'm sorry, her? - Oh, fuck.
Emmy can't even keep a calendar.
What's she gonna do when she gets placenta all over her? Placenta? I'm sorry, I don't I don't know what that is.
Just one question.
How can you advise a woman on starting a family when you can't even make it home on a weeknight sober with both shoes? Oh, God, I'm always losing shoes.
You are so screwed.
The only thing you know about Becca's case is an anti-Semitic Barry impression.
It's not anti-Semitic, is it? Well, it's not pro-Semitic.
- Hey there, Mister Logic Man.
- [sighs.]
What do you want? I I think there's been a mistake, and maybe it would be betta [laughs.]
if Becca was reassigned to a more experienced, uh, Lovebug.
Yeah, it absolutely would be.
- Okay, wow, that's mean.
- [phones ring.]
But, uh, yeah, is there a way to make that happen? No, there's nothing you can do.
The tube gives the assignments.
- You're stuck with it.
- That's it? Uh, with all due respect, I don't believe in you, like, at all, and I'd like for you to leave.
Break room for birthday cake.
Shh! He's coming.
Come on, Maury.
The meeting I told you about, which is very real, is happening here in the break room.
I don't know why we'd be having a meeting in the break room, but I do believe you.
Happy birthday to you No! Shut the fuck up.
I don't want a birthday cake.
But, Maury, it's a cookie cake.
Not a regular cake, it's cookie cake.
I'll explain.
It's basically cookies just mushied into a cake shape.
Tyler, if you say the words cookie or cake one more time, I'll mushy you into a dead shape.
Ugh! Shit, Maury, what the hell? You think that's gonna stop me from eating cookie cake? [grunting.]
Ooh! Half a bagel.
[yelps, grunts.]
[both grunting.]
- Holy shit.
- [eerie music plays.]
- What the hell floor is this? - Who cares? - Let's go through the bigger hole.
- [laughs.]
That's what he said.
Okay, yeah, like the like the holes we use in sex.
- Like the holes we use in sex.
- Okay.
- You're quick, man.
You're quick.
- [both grunting.]
- Whoa.
- Wow.
What is this place? [female voice.]
Welcome to the Department of Magical Thinking.
Okay, "Karmic Destiny, Religion" Sharon would love this place.
She believes all that human mumbo-jumbo.
Yeah, humans are idiots.
[crickets chirp.]
[Addiction Angel moaning.]
Excuse me, love.
 I'm just gonna go and take a long, hot piss.
Okay, well, I hope you get it all out.
Could I get a bowl of vodka with, like, eight limes in it? - Emmy? - Sonya? Whoa.
Wait, remember when you got fired and they gave me your pregnant client? - What were they thinking? - Wait, wait, wait.
Hold on.
They gave you Becca? [belches.]
Ooh! That was a hot Cheeto.
- [laughs.]
- Wow.
You're very drunk.
Yeah, and that's because I'm excited for this opportuni-tay and not deeply afraid I will fail and totally ruin this woman's life forever.
Whoo! Jesus, stop whoo-ing.
Becca needs you.
Get yourself together.
Okay, don't say she "needs" me.
You're freaking me out.
Also, she has Barry.
"I'm Barry.
I love Becca so much and" - Stop it.
She loves Barry.
- [phone buzzing, chiming.]
- Huh.
- What is it? Well, the Addiction Angel I'm with wants me to meet him in the bathroom so he can do coke off my booty.
- Emmy! - [chuckles.]
What? I'm not doing the coke, I'm just being the furniture.
That I can do.
I'm capable of being a table.
- Emmy, if you go to that bathroom - [sighs.]
instead of going to Becca, I will rip your antennae from your skull.
I can't do it, Sonya.
- [somber music plays.]
- I mean look at who I'm with.
I don't know anything about love.
How am I supposed to help someone else? Look at me.
I get that it's scary, but sometimes, you gotta suck it up, do scary shit, and see what happens.
- But what if - Dude, you'll never be ready.
All you can do is fucking try.
I I'll "fucking try.
" I'll go meet Becca or whatever.
Jesus Christ, you haven't even met her yet? Go! Get the hell out of here.
- Well, thanks, Sonya, and if Dante asks - Trust me, he won't.
I know.
I I do know that.
Hey, we're still getting paid for today, right? Yeah.
We clocked in, man.
- What the hell? - [grunts.]
"Bizarre Bazaar.
" - More like "weird area," right? [laughs.]
- [dreamy music plays.]
Me? I like regular stuff sold indoors.
Pick the crystal that will transform your life.
No, thank you.
Hear your fortune.
See the future.
Ask me what time it is right now.
I know the answer.
Well, hello there.
Hello, big boy.
You want a reading? You hear that, Gil? She's gonna do a "reading.
" [chuckles.]
Yeah, no, I want one.
[Gil whistles.]
And what, pray tell, are you, sister? Okay.
Heads up, it'll take me a long time to get going, but then it'll be over fast.
- [crickets chirp.]
- [snoring.]
How in the gorgeous hell do I have to pee again? This thing better be fun when it comes out.
Sorry, forgot to go before I left.
- Who the hell are you? - I'm Emmy, your new Lovebug.
Yay! Celebrate me.
I don't want a new Lovebug.
What happened to Sonya? - Yeah, she got hardcore fired.
- What? But no one knows why.
I think I know.
It's on account of she fucked the Grinch.
Are you drunk? Are you pregnant? I'm just kiddin'.
I know you are.
Wow, my first case is a preggo.
Holy shit.
Are you fucking kidding me? - You've never done this before? - No.
Have you googled "placenta," by the way? Yuck.
Oh, Sonya's abandoned you.
And this new bug does not seem up to the task.
Why is she only wearing one shoe? Oh, no.
And my sock is a McDonald's hash brown bag.
Becca, you must be freaking out.
- My new Lovebug is a drunken idiot.
- Hey now, come on.
And you think you can take care of an infant? You're right.
I can't be a mom.
I have weed pens in my underwear drawer.
Oh, what kind of weed? Sleepy or uppy? - And what if the baby comes early? - Is there enough love for everybody? - What about Barry? - God, I know.
He's so needy.
- "I'm Barry.
I love you.
" - [Becca groans.]
You're gonna get to know my impressions.
They're awesome.
How about the dog? He'll definitely bite the baby's face off! Your ugly baby is gonna smoke your weed.
- Will you shut up? [gasps.]
- [splash.]
Oh, shit.
- Eww.
What is that? - Did you just Piss on the floor? Come on, dude, I'm only wearing one shoe.
I I think my water broke.
- Oh, crap.
What the hell does that mean? - Becca! - You're going into labor! [echoes.]
- [dramatic sting.]
Robbie, it's highly unlikely there's a monster under your bed because monsters are big.
Now, if I were you, I'd be worried about your closet.
[pager beeps.]
Uh, gotta go.
Death is inevitable so just try not to worry about it.
[tense music plays.]
Just eat a few more Adderall and finish the goddamn presentation.
- [pager beeps.]
- Ugh! Do you want to land this refried beans account, or get stuck in regular beans forever like your loser fuckin' dad? Oh, yeah, good call mentioning what a knockout her sister is - in your wedding toast.
- [sobbing.]
- [pager beeps.]
- Look, listen.
I'll be back later when your penis doesn't get hard.
How long you been in here? Leave me alone.
What's going on with you? It's your birthday, baby.
It's time for jubilation and butt stuff.
I'm 40 million years old, Connie, and what do I have to show for it? I made a kid cum on his dead grandpa? Fuckin' amateur hour.
But you got two shows on Netflix.
So what? Everyone's got a show on Netflix.
I don't have kids, I I don't have a steady partner.
Uh, no offense.
Nope, none taken.
I do not want a steady partner.
Yeah, yeah.
Steady partner, that's stupid.
Hey, would a birthday blowjob make you feel better, Maury? - I mean, it wouldn't make me feel worse.
- [pager beeps.]
Oh shit.
That blowie's gonna have to wait.
Becca's in labor.
I gotta bounce.
I guess I'll just suck my own dick then like the loser I clearly am.
That's right, the only mouth that'll suck your dick is the one attached to your fat, fucking face.
Happy birthday, shithead.
[relaxing music plays.]
- Ooh! Stinky.
- A little.
May I read your aura? Yeah, okay, whatever you want, baby.
Blue represents the mind.
Yours is unburdened.
Okay, I'm not gonna read into that too much.
- [heart beating.]
- And green is the heart.
Oh, wow.
I'm detecting a real blockage in you.
Hey, what's your problem? I thought we were gonna fuck.
What is this? I'm sensing you may be closing yourself off emotionally, physically With your wife, perhaps? Hey! Just because I'm a Hormone Monster doesn't mean I'm in the mood to have sex every week, Sharon! - That's right, open up.
- [sobs.]
It's because my mom died a year ago and I'm still mourning her, Sharon.
And I know you couldn't stand her, but she was still my goddamn mommy.
Of course, that makes sense.
Wow, I feel so so light.
What did you just do to me? I unblocked your heart chakra.
Wait a second.
You're one of those chakras? Like Sharon talks about? This is a con! This is a chakra con! - [whooshing.]
- Don't! Stop! Hey, get the hell off me! Get off me! Ahh! [grunts, gasps.]
What the fuck happened in there? Yeah, the Queen of Cups told me I'm gonna die on July 9.
Eh, it is what it is.
Well, I met a chakra, and, Joe, I don't know how to put this, but I might have accidentally learned something about myself.
- Ugh.
You're kidding.
- Yeah, no, I I'm not kidding.
- So, I guess you believe in chakras now? - Yeah, but don't tell Sharon, okay? And don't you go telling Nancy about me dying on July 9.
I want it to be a surprise.
Becca, baby, what can I do? Do you want a fan? Uh, some Corn Nuts? - I want this parasite ripped out of me.
- Let's start with a fan.
"Parasite"? Look out, world, great mother coming through.
- [groans.]
- Becca, you're so strong.
You strong woman.
How are you doing? It feels like my butthole's gonna rip in half.
Fan my face, not my pussy.
Oh, sorry about that.
Hey, Emmy? Uh, we could use some love vibes up here, please.
Oh, I I'm I'm okay back here.
I'm getting the gist.
Um, uh, uh, Becca? Uh, don't forget to change positions.
Pete, will you put away your goddamn WebMD printouts? I'm trying to help! Can't believe you got the epidural.
That's why it's taking twice as long.
Look, that's not necessarily true.
Now you won't be able to feel anything when you push.
That's how people rip.
What if you tear front to back? You'll just have one big hole! What? How's she gonna have sex with a vagina-butthole combo? - Don't poop.
- [tense music plays.]
- Barry will leave you if you poop.
- If only a dump could get rid of that guy.
Becca, take deep breaths and ignore all these morons.
It'll all be over soon.
I have never loved you more than I do right now, Becs.
Who cares, Barry? Have this baby for me or shut the fuck up.
- I know that's not about me.
- [both.]
It is about you! Emmy! Get in there.
Everyone else is doing their job, you need to do yours.
Yeah, but I don't know how to do my job.
The last time I tried, Becca's water broke and it got all over my shoeless foot.
Well, just calm her down.
Tell her the room is filled with love or whatever feel-good bullshit you bugs come up with.
The baby's heart rate has dropped dramatically.
- [monitor beeping.]
- What? What do you mean? - Okay.
Prep her.
- Talk to me, not each other.
Becca, listen to me, okay? It's time to start pushing.
Now? No.
I I'm only eight centimeters.
Rip! Oh, shit.
I see its head.
- Is it possible your baby's a coconut? - Emmy! Oh, God.
I looked! [retches.]
Ow, God damn it.
I'm I'm sorry.
And I am actually sober now.
- [gasps.]
- [all.]
Surprise! Happy birthday, Maury.
You guys.
- Oh, oh.
- [sentimental music plays.]
Oh, and there's a slide show.
Oh, yeah.
That's when we discovered jerking off And fire.
That was a pretty big day.
Oh! The Kama Sutra.
Now that was a graphic novel.
You guys get it.
Oh, Joe Walsh.
Boy, we had fun in Cleveland that night.
Oh, Andrew what's-his-name? How did you get all these photos? [sniffling.]
Thank you, boys.
What do you say we all have a big group whack in honor of my 40 millionth birthday? - [penises chitter.]
- Hey, hey, slow down, boys.
The birthday boy cums first.
- [groaning.]
- Okay, Becca, you're doing great, but we need to keep pushing.
- "We"? Go fuck yourself! [groans.]
- [tense music plays.]
- Gonna have to push harder than that.
- I can't do it anymore.
There is a logical reason love needs to be here, Emmy.
This woman is doing something very hard.
And without love, it's gonna be impossible.
Okay, okay, fine.
[breathes deeply.]
Come on, Becca.
This is it.
You're gonna be a mom.
No, I can't do this! I don't want to give up long baths and laying in bed with my iPad.
- Well, okay.
- [wails.]
I'm not ready to be a mom.
- Maybe you'll never be ready.
- How the fuck is that helpful? - Well, some things are like that.
- [groans.]
It's gonna be scary and hard, and and sometimes you're gonna lose a shoe.
But you know what, you put on your hash brown sock and, damn it, you do it anyway because you're you, and you can fucking handle it.
Say more things! You You do kickboxing, and you seem to be awesome at your job, whatever the fuck that is.
I'm a litigator! - See? That sounds really hard.
- [music swells.]
And And you're married to Barry, which I certainly couldn't do that.
- That seems bad.
- He's gonna be a good dad.
The point is, you'll never feel ready, Becca, and, it turns out, all you can do is fucking try! Now, come on! [Becca screams.]
[music crescendos.]
[baby cries.]
- You did it, Mama! - Took you long enough.
- We're a family.
- Did I poop? Oh.
Uh Nope.
No, that's Well, I'll tell you what.
I don't know what that is, but more stuff is still comin' out.
Oof! You're gonna wanna put some ice on that thing.
[baby whimpers.]
- [buzzes.]
Its head isn't pointy! - Yeah, it's more egg-shaped.
It's great you barely got any medicine.
You could probably tell people you did this without drugs.
Emmy, go.
Your turn, go.
- [breathes deeply.]
- [sentimental music plays.]
That thing looks weird.
- Yeah, it does.
- Ugh.
Damn, it's like somebody put Mr.
Potato Head parts on, like, a little baseball.
- Emmy! - What? It's true.
Call that thing cute, you're a liar.
["The Monster" plays.]
I'm friends with the monster That's under my bed Get along with the voices Inside of my head You're trying to save me Stop holdin' your breath And you think I'm crazy Yeah, you think I'm crazy Well, that's not fair Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh Well, that's not fair Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh Well, that's not fair Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh
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