Human Resources (2022) s01e10 Episode Script

Shitstorm

1 Go home? Because of some rain? Someone needs to die for that dumb fuckin' idea, Pete.
- And I don't care who.
- I'm telling you, Petra.
This is gonna be a category four hurricane.
I've run the numbers.
Numbers? What the fuck are you talking about, fuckin' numbers? There are numbers.
They've been run.
Ooh, those numbers are ugly.
Wow, yeah, I'm with Pete on this one.
Uh, I don't need you, of all people, "with me.
" He's agreeing with you, you dookie-head.
Well, anyways, long story short, I puked so hard, I could taste my own sweet butthole.
- No kidding.
- That's a hard puke.
Sounds like the last time I was knocked up.
Exactly.
God, I had morning sickness and the gestational diabetes.
- Gil remembers.
- Absolutely! Sympathy diabetes.
Ha! No, no, no, I'm not pregnant.
I couldn't be.
Could I? Okay.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God.
That's just the way you make me feel That's just the way you make me feel That's just the way you make me feel So real, so good, so fuckin' real So real, so good, so fuckin' real That's just the way you make me feel That's just the way you make me feel It's like I'm powerful With a little bit of tender An emotional, sexual bender Mess me up, yeah But no one does it better There's nothin' better That's just the way you make me feel Wow! Eleven miles over the speed limit, Becs.
I thought we agreed our window was ten.
Ugh, I know that, Barry, but I'm trying to get us out of this frickin' hurricane.
Please can I floor it just to piss him off? No, because, remember, we love him! He's just trying to keep us safe.
Okay, you're right, Barry.
I'll slow down.
- Ahh! - Oh, God! Oh, God, it's The Perfect Storm! Mark my Wahlberg, we're all gonna die! - Hold on, Jakey.
- Oh, my God, slow down! I'm trying! The brakes are dead and so are we! Oh, my God! Fuck! He's okay.
Are you okay? Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, I think so.
Wow, that car is aggressively purple.
My Suns-mobile! What have you done to my baby? Oh, my God, it's ruined.
Doug, fall to your knees in the rain.
Please, God, take me instead! Take him! Ahh! - Oh, come on! - Important documents? Mmm, not really.
Low-priority documents? What's going on with you? Why you smiling like that? Oh, no reason.
You're pregnant.
- Yes! - Is it mine? Of course it's yours.
It's ours.
Connie, I thought you'd be On the phone with the Inbox Zero Abortion Clinic by now? Yeah, I'd have thought that too.
How the shit did this happen? You know exactly and fornicationally how this happened.
No.
I don't.
We use protection when we poon, do we not? Well, yes, as a practice, we say, "No baby, no baby, no baby," silently to ourself whilst cumming.
Which, via science, prevents fertilization in our respective unisex wombs we both have.
Obviously.
This is basic hormone monster biology, Connie.
Don't waste time on stuff everyone already knows.
Maury, I know I said, "No baby, no baby, no baby," every time.
Reason? 'Cause we don't want a goddamn baby! Well, I said it too.
But I I don't know.
Maybe I didn't mean it.
Are you saying you want this preg? Well, now that it's here growing little hooves and horns in my tummy - Yes.
- What? - Don't you? - No! Okay, so what I'm hearing is you need a few minutes to wrap your head around this, and then you'll be all in, right? Ahh! Jesus fucking Christ.
Todd! Okay, power's out, generator's failed, portals to Earth are down.
Oh, my God, what are we gonna fucking do? All right, relax.
I am working on it.
And watch your language.
Oh, man, I wish you and I hadn't been so smart and correct about that storm, Pete.
Oh, blimey! We need those portals back up! Well, our humans can live without us for a few minutes.
You don't get it.
Rochelle's still on Earth, and now she's stuck down there without me! Well, Rochelle's a smart, grown woman, so Weird to worry.
Of course I'm worried, buddy.
She's my girlfriend.
She may be your girlfriend, but I am not your buddy! Okay.
Okay, just relax there, big guy.
All right, all Whoa! I'll be stuffed, mate, your pecs are incredible.
Thanks, just stop touching them.
Again, I'm I'm so sorry.
- We've never been more sorry.
- We'll cover everything.
The Suns wrap covered everything! Bumper, mirror housings, mud flaps, rear-end enders.
Now look at it! Oh, shit, it's you? Emmy? What the fuck are you doing here? Oh, shit, that was close.
Come on, everybody, let's get inside, for Christ's sake! Hold up, we're just letting these people into your home after they destroyed your opus? And my car! You're right! Uh, maybe let's just swap info out here, then you guys can actually just get lost or whatever? - Doug! - What? Just so you know, I don't wanna be here.
Well, I don't want you here either, so I guess we found some common ground.
Ugh, slurp my ass.
Huh.
Nope.
Not gonna work.
What? No, no, no, it has to work! I have to work! Houses are being destroyed down there, and my clients have insurance claims to fucking reject! Must you, with the profanity? I think what Petra means is, not having the blooming portals is a just a very bonked-up situation.
Civility appreciated.
- Of course.
- Ugh.
I will go reset the main surge protector.
Oh, my God, it's so rainy, I can't see.
Oh! Oh! There he is! He's waving.
Hi, Todd.
Oh, my God, he's alive! Look, he's waving again.
- Oh, thank God.
- Good job, Todd! - That's gross.
- Oh, my God! I know, Todd's dead like a doornail.
No, not that.
Something much worse.
The fridge, Gil! Without power, all the food in the break room will get yucky.
Unless, of course, someone eats it first.
And someone's best friend helps.
- Down and up.
- Shake, squeeze, tickle.
And butt sticks out for two minutes.
- Ah, we better cut this short.
- Yeah, before the food spoils, let's go.
Are the portals back yet?! The Cuomo brothers need me.
They're doing naked judo with each other in their basement and it's about to escalate! We all have clients to get to, Gavin, all right? Hey, someone else has to go reset the doohickey thingy! Maybe Todd has a son we could call? What an ugly bunch of puss you all are.
I'll go.
Do you even know where the Department of Energy is? Or how to access the main surge protector? Nope, but it sounds like you do.
You're coming with me! - We need your brains.
- Yeah, you probably do.
And you'll need my dicks.
- Oh, God.
- And my ass.
And my fucking raw-dog tenacity.
Plus, I'll get my steps in.
Keep the hiney tight.
Oh, I know I said "ass," but I wanna change mine to "pizzazz.
" And my pizzazz! Oh, hello, it seems you're forming a fellowship for a noble quest? Well, you can't have one of those without a wizard, now, can you? I mean, we could.
Oh, come on, pretty, pretty please? I want to be included! Okay, fine! Jesus, you shame bitch.
- Yes! - You're in! Hey, I'm in, too! Wait for me! Connie! Whoa, whoa, no, no, no.
You can't put yourself in danger, not now.
Okay, this right here? This is why I don't want that.
Connie, I don't like these jokes.
Baby can hear.
Oh, really? Hey, you! I don't want you! Oh, Maury, come on.
Come back? Definitely don't run too fast, and trip and fall down some stairs.
Don't worry, we'll get you a rental while your car's getting fixed.
You know what, I bet those jealous creeps smashed your car on purpose.
"On purpose"? Who would do that? Haters, Doug! Haters! People who can't stand you having good things in your life.
Oh, my God, you're right! So, you two collect art? That's a string cheese wrapper Charles Barkley left in Dougie's car once.
- We had it bronzed.
- Oh! So, not art.
You would hate Charles's cheese, you hater! Why not plow your car into that? Jesus, Doug, what's gotten into you? Oh, my God.
Fuck these people.
Ugh! I know, right? He's so unreasonable.
But the thing is, I don't have to be stuck with them, so, peace! Hey, what the hell? Take cover! Window breach! Let's do this! Ahh! - Oh! There she goes.
- Fuck me! Yeah, this is more like it! Onward! Yes! Look out! Stand your ground, wuss.
Stop getting cucked by the wind.
Better to be a living cuck than a dead hero.
I'm just gonna go back.
You talk like a book! Shut the fuck up! Hey! Oh! Hey, you got me skin! Hold up, I gotta take a whiz.
Holy freaking guac! - Aw, shit, got wee in my face! Fuck! - Dante, watch out! Oh, shit! Ow! - Fuck! Ahh! - Uh Pete, mate, you gotta help! One of my dicks is stuck! Your penis got pinned by a statue? Uh How big is your penis? Big! Huge! It's the lower-right one.
It's my very best penis! It's thicker than the middle one, it's longer than Lefty.
I love it! Hey, guys, wait! Man down! Pete! Don't go! Please! I'm coming.
Just hold on to your big dicks.
Sweet Lord, Joe, there's so much food.
We'll never save it all.
But we have to try, God damn it! Eh, you're right.
Dairy first? Dairy first.
Maury, come on.
Leave us alone.
No, wait.
Apologize first and then leave.
How about you apologize for making me miss out on that cool adventure squad? I would've been the hot one.
That means something to me, Maury.
Does your own child mean something to you? No.
Again, no.
Uh-oh.
Maury, is the bathroom flooding? Yes.
And I'd rather sit in sewage than see your face ever again.
Unless the baby looks like you, which I would adore.
This is stupid, get out of there.
Oh, fuck you.
No, yeah.
Yeah, actually, I'm gonna come out.
Oh, goodness! Oh, me, oh, my! What is it? Big cramp? No, I broke the door, I'm trapped! Uh, don't worry.
I'll bust you outta there somehow.
Todd has the keys! You've gotta get Todd's keys.
He has the keys.
Ooh, I'll go find 'em on his dead corpse.
Just hang on, okay? - Oh, don't worry, baby, Mommy will - Take that fuckin' back.
- Connie will save us.
- All right, then.
Mommy's gonna save us.
Your mommy's name is Connie.
Mommy is Connie, Connie's your Mommy, Connie-Mommy.
Hey, guys, this is it! The thingy's in there! Come on! Fist! Fist, fist! Pete, is there another entrance we could Wait, where's Pete? Where's Dante? Who cares? All that matters is we get inside, where it's warm and safe! - Well, we can't get in this way.
- Come on! Gavin tried, and he's the strongest one.
I don't know, Walter.
No one's stronger than Hateworm.
- You know what I'm saying? - Oh, folks, that's not a good idea.
What's that, thunder thighs? Motherfu Okay, I see what you're doing, but I'm not turning into a Hateworm today.
You sure, you Pez-headed fuck? Mmm! Nope! It's not gonna work.
Okay, I got it.
I got it.
Mariah Carey's high G is a crutch.
A crutch? How dare you? Don't say a word to me about Mariah! She's the only good thing about QVC or America.
All right, Walter! Come on, let's go! I'm not going anywhere with you people! I hope the writers kill you all off! Next season, new cast! I don't give a fuck.
Oh, look at that.
You're welcome, baby.
Here we go! You can do it, mate! Just use those Stonehenge quads of yours.
I'm sorry.
It's too heavy.
And you're losing blood.
Oh, shit, I'm a bit woozy.
Should I go towards that light? - Is that a good idea? - Uh Dante, it brings me barely any joy to say this, but, uh, I'm gonna have to amputate your penis.
What? Lose my manhood? I'd rather die.
Well, you know, those are the two choices.
I'll take my chances.
Look, your chances of surviving with no blood in your body are very low.
I'm trying to be a good guy, so, please, just let me cut your dick off! - Okay, make it quick! - I'll try.
Okay, here it comes.
Ahh! I know, I know.
- The knife's serrated? - I can't imagine this feels good.
Why? It's all I had.
Sorry.
Ahh! Cut away from this already! There must be other stories! That's the last of the dairy.
I think I gotta tap out, Joe.
Let's just leave the salads.
Who are you to decide which food gets left behind? - We have orders! - We do? From who? From God, Gil.
And she hates food waste.
You're right! You're always fucking right! Hand me that Niçoise.
Just take a handful of fish.
I'm going medieval on this dirty tuna.
That's not gonna work.
You gotta board it up.
Oh, really? No doy! Do something! Board up that window before a wind tunnel forms! Oh, no! - Are you fucking serious? - What do you want from me? I can't think with your damn kid shrieking like that! Maybe you can't think because you're a dumbass.
Hey, rich-tits, don't call my husband dumb.
Your girl better watch it.
Oh, your dude better watch it.
Jesus fucking Christ! The wind tunnel! It's gonna kill us all! This is all Doug's fault.
- If that tacky moron - Tacky? knew how to board up a window You're tacky! Becca's a girl-bossy stuck-up - Ahh! - It's happening! Bitch! I was gonna call her a bitch! Todd? Todd's bod? Where are you? Ugh.
Hey, Todd.
Got your keys there, cutie? Just gonna flip you over real quick.
- Ahh! - Keys are with the legs.
Helpful, thanks! And sorry about Todd! Come on.
No lightning, no lightning, no lightning.
Ah! Ooh! God damn, Connie.
You are the hot one.
Oh, dear.
Hey, Greasy! Hey, Ghostly! Here it is! Whoa! Fuck me! It's okay.
Go on without me.
Well, yeah, obviously.
I mean, you know, we're not that close.
- I did fuck her once.
- All right.
Ooh! Ooh! Well, there's no extinguishing this, is there? - I'm afraid we must turn back.
- You wish, you Great British jerkoff.
- I'm gettin' us out there! - But, but, but how? With my big ol' firehose dick! Oh, right.
Well, you've described it that way before, but I Yeah, people think it's a figure of speech.
- Well, I certainly did.
- It's not! I fucking hate language! Now stand back! Ow! Ow! Ow! - Fuck! Ow! Ow! Ow! - Oh, poor thing.
It hurts, does it? Every time.
- Look! There's an opening, go, now! - No.
Go, go, go, you floating nothing! Ahh! The fire! The piss! The fire and the piss! Oh, my.
Anything I can do? - The fire! The piss! - Just say.
Oh, my.
- Rochelle? Are you okay? - I'm fine! Ahh! When this is all over, I'm gonna go to your house and mess it up so bad.
How you gonna get there? Your shitty car is totaled.
- Ahh! - Can you believe this idiot? Huh? Oh, yeah.
Yeah, he he sucks.
He's bad, and You know what? I I gotta go.
Maury? Maury! Maury, you alive in there? We are alive.
Baby and me, thank you, but hurry! - Ahh! - One last stringy part.
Got it! Give me my donger, I wanna hold it.
- Okay.
- You'll always be my favorite, you.
I'm so sorry.
- They can reattach him, right? - Maybe? - No! - Maybe not.
My sweet pee-pee! Come back! - Oh, no! Dante.
- Come back! Just let it go! It's too much ham.
I can't, Joe, I'm gonna puke.
- No! No, Gil.
- I feel it coming up.
If you puke from that ham, then ham will be a food that makes you puke.
Forever.
And I am not gonna let my best friend lose ham, okay? - What are you doing? - Helping you! You're welcome.
I don't need your help! Not that one.
That's not it.
Hang on, Maury.
There's, like, a million keys on here and they're all covered in Todd's guts.
Poopy.
It's gone, Dante.
Just leave it.
And I would if it were my bottom left or even upper right, but it's my bottom right, man.
You have three dongs, but only one life.
And you have Rochelle.
You should be fighting to see her again.
So, let's go.
- Rochelle? - Yeah, she's amazing.
And I'd sacrifice a thousand dicks for her.
But if that thing's more important to you than she is, then you deserve to lose both.
You're right.
I'm an idiot.
I fucking love her, Pete, I love her so much! Then take my hand.
Emmy, don't! Shut up and take my hand! No dead guy, no dead guy, no dead guy.
Yes! You're alive! Take my hand.
Bite it, Gil.
Bite it and swallow it.
I can't, Joe! Take my ham.
Okay, now fly down.
I can't! I found boards! Dougie, where's the hammer? Oh, God, where'd I put the toolbox? Come on! Becca, dude, enough with the petty bullshit.
Just grow the fuck up and help.
You're right.
I just need something hard and metal.
Oh, shit.
Doug, what about that Charles Barkley garbage statue you made? I know, what about it, right? Here! You can use it as a hammer.
Genius.
Is there anything Charles Barkley can't do? Doug, hurry up! - Holy crud, it's working! - Amazing! Are you okay? Yeah.
- Phew! - You only used the one arm just then? Technically, I also used my lats and deltoids.
Hmm.
Wow.
Are you sure you couldn't have lifted that statue off my dick, mate? - Um, um, pretty sure.
- Pretty sure, huh? - No, I'm sure.
- All right.
- Yeah.
I'm I'm I'm pretty sure.
- Uh-huh.
Oh! Look at that.
Oh, no, thank you.
What's the matter, Cumbledore? You scared? Gavin! You're Alive, fucker! You gonna plug that thing back in or not? Um, uh, not.
Yes.
Quite not.
We have a mission! Gavin, I adore that mission, really.
I'm simply of the mind that, if I complete it, I'll die, so Everybody dies sometime, kid.
Boys are strong! - Dicks are good! - Oh! I hope God's a dude.
Right then, well, I suppose I'll just, uh, finish up here.
Oh, Connie, you saved me.
Of course I did, Maury.
You know, today put a lot in perspective for me.
Such as? Well, I realized what I really want out of life.
I thought I wanted total freedom to go be a hot adventure bitch.
- Oh? - And I thought a kid would get in the way of all that.
But? But the truth is, I was right! - What? Then why did you say "but"? - I didn't say "but," you said "but.
" Fine, but that was still very confusing.
I'm sorry, I'll be clear, I don't want that fucking kid.
Well, I do.
Well, it's that baby, or this ass, Maury.
You'd really do that? Take your whole ass away? That's right.
Make your choice.
Well, then, I guess I'm choosing to abort this relationship! What? But I'm the hot one.
You made me choose.
Well, okay.
Dumb choice, but I'm fine with that.
Yes, I too am totally fine with the choice that I made.
In fact, I've just remembered that I have to go punch my car door for an hour.
Well, you should probably get going then.
Yeah.
Here I go.
- Looking good, Doug! - Thanks! I can't see the sky anymore.
Mmm, Barry's butt looks pretty great when he sweeps.
Yeah, it does.
You know, you're getting really good at your job.
Shut up, no, I'm not.
Emmy, I I got my marriage back thanks to you.
And the baby-love lately? Sonya would be proud.
Yeah, I don't know.
Let's be honest, no one's proud of me.
But, you know, it's fine.
I've accepted the kind of bug I am.
And I'll never be a Rochelle or whatever, but who cares? What's a "Rochelle?" Not an Emmy.
- You shut the fuck up with that right now! - Oh! Hi.
I'm sorry that's how I've been making you feel.
All small and shit? Fuck that.
No, it's okay.
It's not your fault.
You're a cool goddess who of course I'm jealous of.
Ew, I'm not a goddess.
Man, I'm selfish and petty.
Petty enough to lose the best bug I know.
I love you.
I missed you.
I missed you.
You saved my life.
You are my life.
This is how it should be.
and then I picked up that live wire and I thought, "Whatever happens to Lionel, the Shame Wizard, me, so be it.
" Did getting electrocuted hurt? 'Cause I got Vicodin.
Oh, no, I was too focused on the mission to consider my own comfort.
You're a hero.
And I can't believe you did it all by yourself.
No, I had no choice.
Not after Gavin passed in the, uh, in the manner I described.
Ugh, imagine being so scared, you slip on your own panic-piss and fall off a building? Yes, that's exactly what happened! A fitting death for a true coward.
Always make room from the bottom, not the top, right, Joe? Sure, some of the food would've been fine, but a lot of it would've gotten sweaty.
So, we did God's work today.
We sure did.
I think I've got it from here, mate.
Bye, Pete.
Dante, uh, wait.
I just wanna say, you're an okay guy, and you clearly love Rochelle, so we're good.
No.
No, no, no.
We're not "good.
" You're a secretly yoked dude who's into my girlfriend, and you cut my fucking dick off.
Eat shit, guy.
Fuck him! - Rochelle! - Dante.
Come here.
Come here.
- Oh, I missed you so much, baby.
- Mwah! I missed you too.
And all three of your friends.
- About that.
- Damn, you good? Oh, boy.
Pete! Jeez, what the hell happened to you? Oh, the blood.
Yeah, um There's context for this, both ethical and medical, and I absolutely didn't want to, but I, um, cut off Dante's dick.
Only because Oh! - You're a genius, Pete.
- Uh I don't tell you that enough.
Jesus, your arms.
Hey, lady, you got tube-mail! I got a new client? "Lucinda P.
" Oh, they sound fun.
Um, you got a few new clients.
Oh, no, no, no! No, these can't all be for me! There's too many.
A second Lucinda? Jesus.
I cannot handle all this.
Uh, yes, you can, girl.
You're an Emmy.
Uh-huh.
That's just the way you make me feel That's just the way you make me feel That's just the way you make me feel Oh! That's just the way That I feel, now, baby Good God, I can't help it, uh! Hey, that's just the way that I feel Yeah Please, I can't help it It's like I'm powerful With a little bit of tender An emotional, sexual bender Mess me up, yeah But no one does it better, oh! There's nothin' better, baby Damn
Previous Episode