Human Resources (2022) s02e02 Episode Script

1
Look out! Oh! Ah!
Stand your ground, wuss.
Stop getting cucked by the wind.
Better to be a living cuck
than a dead hero.
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!
Fuck! Ow! Ow! Ow!
Ah! The fire! The piss!
The fire and the piss!
You gonna plug that thing back in or not?
And then Gavin,
sniveling coward that he is,
started to weep and beg me
to "pwease, pwease, pwease
plug the thing back in."
And I said, "Of course, I will.
I am the bravest of wizards."
And he replied, "Not me.
I just wee-weed my big-boy pants."
Yeah, Gavin died a coward's death.
I called it.
Those were, of course,
the last words Gavin ever spoke.
He then slipped in a puddle
of his own sissy water
and skidded off the roof
to his unflattering demise,
leaving only me to tell his pathetic tale.
God rest his chickenshit soul.
But of course, I sallied on,
plugged in the thingy,
and saved the entire office.
Okay, we don't have all day.
Here's your certificate
for "Employee of the Month."
Show this at the cafeteria
and you get a free yogurt.
- Not Greek.
- Woo!
- All right!
- Oh, bittersweet.
This will be in my office
if you want a closer look.
You're my hero.
Will you sign my butthole, Mr. Hero?
Ahh, with pleasure, young fellow.
I love how every time you tell the story
there are new details
that make you more fuckable.
Yeah.
That is something, isn't it?
- Who said that?
- I did.
Gavin?
You're alive.
Actually, I'm Guyvin. Gavin's identical
but suspiciously nice twin brother.
- Oh!
- Oh, of course.
Gavin had a twin brother.
- Okay. That makes sense.
- No, it doesn't.
Sometimes characters have twins
and that's just good storytelling.
- That checks out.
- Right, my identical-twin sister, Bonnie?
Yeah, Connie, but we're not identical
because I have a different haircut.
- And glasses. Bye, Bonnie.
- Bye, Connie.
- Hey, Wizard.
- Oh, no! Please don't hurt me, Gavin.
Well, first of all, buddy,
my name is Guyvin.
And second, I don't wanna hurt you,
I wanna thank you
and give you a gentle hug.
Thank me? For what?
For being with my brother
in the last moments of his life.
As his identical twin,
I could feel all of his pain.
- Oh
- But I don't know none of the details.
Because they keep changing.
That's why I wanna take you to coffee.
So you can walk me through
his last moments, gimme a little closure.
- "Closure"?
- Yeah.
No distractions. Just you and me,
and some nighttime coffee.
Yeah, well, the caffeine
may ruin my slumber,
but how could I say no to you, uh, Guyvin?
Oh, and his name is Guyvin because
it sounds like Gavin, but he's a guy.
You know, that must be why
my brother's name
is "Joe But With A Regular Penis."
Oh, yeah, and how is
Joe But With A Regular Penis?
You know, he's very sick, actually.
That's just the way you make me feel ♪
That's just the way you make me feel ♪
- That's just the way you make me feel ♪
- That's just the way you make me feel ♪
A-ha
So real, so good, so fuckin' real ♪
- So real, so good, so fuckin' real ♪
- A-ha ♪
That's just the way you make me feel ♪
That's just the way you make me feel ♪
It's like I'm powerful
With a little bit of tender ♪
An emotional, sexual bender ♪
Mess me up, yeah
But no one does it better ♪
There's nothing better ♪
That's just the way you make me feel ♪
Mmm!
Office chicken.
So, um, Emmy, uh, as someone
who I am slowly growing to respect
What? Pete respects moi-ha-ha?
I was just wondering if I could ask you
for some, uh, professional love advice?
Oh, and now he needs Daddy's help.
- Immediately regret this.
- No, no, no, no, no!
Don't go. Uh, let me guess.
Now that Dante and Rochelle are done-zo,
you wanna know how long you should wait
before you make your big move.
Actually, yes.
I, uh, stayed up all night
coding parametric models
- to pinpoint the optimal time to tell her.
- Okaaay
Each timeframe uses what I'm calling
"confession points" or "CPs."
- Um?
- As you can see here,
if I go with a three-month CP,
I'm being respectful,
but risk her moving on
and finding happiness.
Hey, if you wanna "C" some "P,"
you gotta ask her out today, hombre.
What? No.
The trend line on a 24-hour CP is
Okay, listen, Old Sheldon,
this Big Bang energy ain't helping you.
I have this friend.
I'm not gonna name any names
Is it Van? That Logic Rock
you won't stop talking about?
It is. And Van just went for it with me.
She smooched my brains out
at the Jizz Mitzvah,
and now I'll do anything she wants.
She basically owns my ass.
So, do you wanna
own Rochelle's ass or not?
Well, ideally, I would enter into
some sort of cooperative agreement
with Rochelle's ass,
where I assume a minority stake and
Oh, Pete, Pete, Pete, Pete, Pete,
that's for the butt lawyers to work out.
Daddy's gonna go talk you up to Rochelle
- What?
- right now.
No! No, I'm not ready.
Please, Daddy, don't!
Look at Dante eat-pray-fucking his way
through the southern hemisphere.
It's like men get freakin' flyer miles
for every chick they screw over.
Meanwhile, all Rochelle got
was a broken heart and Emmy's chlamydia.
Guys, come on. I'm trying to work.
I don't wanna see
Dante sucking off a llama.
Oh! That's what he's doing.
- You want my advice, Rochelle?
- Not really.
- He's a loser. He left. Get over it.
- Petra's right.
There are plenty of other fish
right here in the office,
just waiting to get
absolutely filleted by you.
Everyone stop, okay?
I'm not trying to filet any fish.
I just wanna focus
on my clients right now.
But if you, the world's greatest Lovebug,
can't find love,
what chance do your clients have?
- No chance.
- Exactly.
Oh, my God, they have no fucking chance.
- Whoa, Rochelle, it's okay.
- No, it's not okay.
Tito's right.
Love is my whole fucking thing.
If I suck ass at it,
what good am I to anyone? Hmm?
Mm, mm, mm
- Bitch, what you need is a little Hope.
- Oh!
Oh, my God, Hope!
Girl, where have you been?
Honey, where haven't I been?
There ain't a person
on that rapidly warming planet
that don't wanna get to know my fine ass.
But when I heard
my number one was hurting,
chile, you best believe I said,
"Let 'em all die."
So, wait, your job is hope
and your name is Hope?
Yeah, it's my whole gestalt, baby.
I bring possibility and wonder.
And a big sparkling bag of bullshit.
- Hello to you, too, Petra.
- Ugh.
- Please don't start, ladies.
- You know somethin'?
My clients don't hope they get a new job,
they work their asses off
and earn a new job.
Girl, shut up. You know it's hope
that makes people hustle.
Yeah, shut up, Petra.
What'd you fuckin' say to me?
I said I respect you so much.
All right, Rochelle,
here's how we're gonna turn
your mopin' into some hopin'.
- First, we're taking the day off.
- Oh.
I wish I could,
but I've got this client, Alice.
She's got a first date tonight.
Ooh! Even better. I love a first date.
All the feels and suspense.
Will they be the one?
Or just the one they fuck tonight?
- First date intercourse!
- First date intercourse!
I love it when Hope
comes to town.
I'm coming too.
You can't have a first date without the
constant fear of it going horribly wrong.
Girls' night!
I don't know, Hope. I don't wanna put
too much pressure on this date.
Oh, loosen up, Rochelle.
Hope is here. Anything is possible.
Okay, fine. But can we turn down
the disco booby balls?
They don't have an off switch.
What a fuckin' phony.
Damn, Petra, you really hate Hope.
I don't hate her.
I just think she's a total flake.
And honestly?
I don't think her tits are real.
Well, yeah. They're disco balls.
Pee-pee time ♪
Time to go pee-pee
'Cause it's pee-pee time ♪
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!
Ow, ow, ow, ow!
Every time.
Wow. Every time.
Fire-hose dick.
- Pete! Hide with me.
- Oh!
Uh, what? Why?
- I don't want Guyvin to see us.
- Why? What's wrong?
You must promise
not to call me cuckoo bananas.
That's a promise
I feel comfortable making.
I believe, beyond a shadow of a doubt,
that Guyvin is actually Gavin.
- No, yeah, you're cuckoo bananas.
- No! No, I'm not!
I snuck in the bathroom
and looked at his penis.
This isn't helping your case.
It's identical to Gavin's.
Well, they're twins.
Look, it sounds like Gavin's death
was very traumatic for you,
and there must be some part of you
that wishes he was still alive.
No, no, no, no, that's not it.
You probably have survivor's guilt
because you couldn't save him.
Oh, survivor's guilt. Like you with Dante?
Well, no. I saved Dante.
By divorcing him from his favorite cock.
To save his life.
Sure, by ruining it.
So if I'm scared of Guyvin,
you must be terrified that Dante
will make good on his vow of revenge.
Wait. Do you really think
Dante is gonna get revenge on me?
- I do.
- Oh, God.
And I'm quite sure
Gavin's back from the dead to kill me.
I'll see you in hell, Peter.
So, Alice, tonight's the big date.
Tell me everything. Spill the tea.
How did you and this dreamboat Shawn meet?
- Well, he came to one of my talks.
- Alice is a disability rights activist.
- And then he followed me on Twitter.
- She has a lot of fans.
But this one direct messaged me.
- Ha! That's right!
- Yeah!
- Do you wanna see him?
- Oh my lord.
Look at him in these coochie cutters.
This man is a hunk of cheese.
He is Monterey Jacked.
You cheddar go home with him tonight.
- Hey, can you please not do that?
- Do what?
- Get Alice's hopes up about this guy.
- Girl, put some respect on my name.
I'm just saying, men are trash
no matter how few dicks they have.
Oh, man, Rochelle's not wrong.
Yeah, Alice and I like to have
low expectations when it comes to romance.
"Low expectations"? Why?
Because what if this date
is a total shitshow?
- Thank you. That's what I'm saying.
- I hear you, TeeTee.
But I think the real question is,
what if it isn't?
Oh, my God. I never even considered that.
In fact, I could see this date
going fabulously.
- I don't know.
- Me neither.
Well, baby, I do.
And you best believe
Hope is gon' sing about it.
Forever say goodbye
To loneliness and heartache ♪
Well, maybe not forever ♪
Tonight's gonna exceed
Every expectation ♪
Within reason ♪
This is destiny, it's fate ♪
Tonight will be your last first date ♪
Or maybe just a pleasant meal
And lively conversation ♪
Oh, come on.
Have a little hope ♪
Let yourself believe ♪
In every wondrous fantasy
You dare conceive ♪
Tonight your dream life will begin ♪
Or maybe not
And you'll just be friends ♪
Uh-uh!
Tonight ♪
Could be tonight ♪
Hope's gonna set you free ♪
- Okay, you do make it sound pretty good.
- It feels good. Give it a try.
All right, all right.
They'll make love all through the night
With primal passion? ♪
Yeah, that's it.
And in the morning
Sail his yacht to paradise ♪
Damn, a yacht?
You'll be his goddess and his queen ♪
When he gives you
That big-ass diamond ring ♪
Yeah, side by side you'll save the world
While sippin' sweet champagne on ice ♪
Oh, it sounds so nice.
Have a little hope ♪
Let your heart run free ♪
Suppress the doubt
Indulge the dream of what might be ♪
Possibility ♪
Forever loved
Forever charmed ♪
Till one day die in each other's arms ♪
Oh, yeah.
Could be tonight ♪
It's gonna be tonight ♪
Hope's gonna set you free ♪
- Hey, Alice.
- Hi, Shawn.
- Shall we?
- Mmm!
I wish he was wearing the shorts
from the picture,
but he's still cute as a button.
Well, hello. Sounds like someone's
feeling a little hopeful.
Yeah, well. Don't let it go
to your big ol' sparkly titties.
God, I love working late.
No Emmy, no Lionel,
just me and my productivity.
Hello? Is somebody here?
Dante?
Is that you?
Uh
No, that's crazy. Dante's in Peru, right?
Where is that throbbing noise coming from?
Oh, my God!
Why did they carpet over
this gorgeous wood?
Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!
No!
No! No! No!
I did what I had to do.
I severed what I had to sever.
Thank God. It was just a nightmare.
A used triple-dick condom
with one sleeve torn off?
The dream was real!
Oh, uh by the way,
I really like your sneakers.
- Oh, thank you.
- Where'd you pick 'em up?
Zappos. I don't leave my house
for anything.
Well, you left for me, apparently.
I'm flattered.
Ooh, look at them vibin'.
That's all you, Ro-Ro.
You were right, Hope.
I needed a girls' night out.
Me too. I feel like
I'm on Sex and the City.
Or is it Sex in the City?
I can never remember.
You know, I had sex with a city once.
Pittsburgh gets a bad rap,
but, girl, it knows how to fuck.
Ugh, goddamn it.
I'm so sorry. I even called ahead
to make sure they had a ramp.
Oh, no! We're getting cockblocked
by ADA non-compliance.
All cock should be wheelchair accessible.
- Goddamn it. Something always goes wrong.
- Can we just go home?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, ladies.
Y'all are spiraling more than a staircase.
Look over there.
There's a lovely restaurant
across the street
with a super-cute cement ramp.
- Ooh!
- That does look romantic.
Yeah, that place looks awesome.
Oh, but there's no TVs in there.
Girl, you can play with my iPad, okay?
Does your iPad
have sports and pornos on it?
- Yeah, it's an iPad.
- All right.
I'm Guyvin, Gavin's identical
but suspiciously nice twin brother.
Oh, God.
I wanna take you to coffee
Gimme a little closure.
He's gonna kill me.
- Knock, knock.
- Gavin!
It's Guyvin, sweetie.
Gavin's my beloved dead brother, remember?
Of course, yes, yes.
Is it, uh is it coffee time already?
Actually, I thought we could go
up to the roof where he died,
and you could show me
exactly how it happened.
- Up on the roof?
- Just you and me.
Yes, no witnesses.
Well, I don't know what you mean by that,
but, yeah, I guess not.
Oh, God, he really is gonna kill me.
I thought if you could walk me through it,
since you seem to love telling the story,
it might help me
put this whole dead-brother thing to bed.
Oh, yes. Well, that sounds cathartic.
Let me just grab a pashmina.
It gets chilly up there.
Uh, where Weapon, weapon,
I gotta find a weapon.
My Nazi dildos.
Yes, the Blitzkrieg,
the largest and heaviest
of my perfectly normal collection.
Oops.
I almost forgot my pashmina.
It really does get chilly up there.
Oh, there's my book
where I hide my drugs.
Books are so stupid.
- Emmy, hide with me.
- Ho!
- Dude, what's your problem?
- Uh
I-I'm pretty sure
Dante is trying to kill me.
No way. That's impossible.
Dante's in South America
on some kinda sex safari.
Well then, how do you explain this?
- Okay, brag.
- No, don't you see?
That's a Triton-brand triple-dick condom
with the third shaft torn off.
And I found it in my throat.
- Been there, choked on that, brother.
- Emmy, I'm serious.
Okay, dude, just chill. Jeez.
Dante really is out of town.
Oh! And I think he just got engaged
to this gorgeous llama.
But how do you explain the condom?
I woke up with it in my mouth.
Well, I-I read a science article once
that said we unknowingly swallow
four to five full condoms
in our sleep every year.
Uh, that seems inaccurate.
So what, you think Dante
came all the way back from Peru,
interrupting his llama-lingus,
just to shove a condom in your throat?
Come on, man.
Huh
I guess when you say it like that,
it does sound a little far-fetched.
Exactly. I'm the voice of reason.
Now, if you're not gonna use that condom,
I will, so hand her over.
Emmy, you can't reuse a condom.
Well, I read a science article once
that actually said you
Kids, I am morally obligated to tell you
you can never reuse a condom,
unless of course those condoms
are Dr. Maury's Reusable Dong Sleeves.
The hog hats so nice,
you can junk in them twice.
- What? No way.
- I'm serious.
That's the one thing
you wish people would get from your work?
Yeah. Everybody needs
to chill the fuck out.
Okay. Damn.
Disabled people do not need your pity,
especially me. I'm fucking perfect.
You are. I knew it as soon as
you ordered fries for the table.
Ooh! This guy is perfect for you.
He likes your sneakers, he likes fries
If he likes giving oral,
I am marrying him.
Girl, you should marry him.
Oral is the bedrock of a good marriage.
Damn, I kinda love
seeing Alice so excited about a man.
See? I told you all she needed
was a little Hope.
And I've barely thought about
how Dante tricked me into loving him,
that no-good motherfucker.
Girl, don't you go there.
We all get tricked sometimes.
I once fell for
this brilliant young blonde.
She said she was gonna heal the world
with one drop of blood.
This bitch ended up defrauding
a small country's worth of investors.
- You talking about that Theranos girl?
- The point is,
you never know what's gonna happen
until it happens.
And never trust anyone
who only wears turtlenecks.
Hi. We're so sorry to bother you.
- So don't?
- Yeah, please scram.
But we just wanted to say
what an inspiration you are.
Oh, you know my work?
Oh, no. No, um
I'm glad that you work, though.
So brave. So inspiring.
They are who I'm talking about.
It's just so great
to see you out and about.
Is this your helper? Your brother?
They need to chill the fuck out.
No, they don't need to chill out,
they need to fuck off.
Excuse me, you guys
are being ableist assholes right now.
You tell 'em, Shawn.
And for your information, she's
a celebrated disability rights activist.
And I'm not her helper, I'm her colleague.
- What'd you say?
- Colleague?
Did he just say they were colleagues?
What the fuck, Rochelle?
- What the fuck, Hope?
- Oh, shit. That's not good.
Just so you know, I'm actually an ally.
My mother lost a finger fishing.
Oh, God. Don't bow.
So you're telling me
my brother, the bravest monster I know,
urinated himself in fear,
accidentally slipped in it,
and then fell off the building?
Yes, yes, that's right.
Gosh, that sounds like
something I would do.
I've always been
the scaredy-cat in the family.
Oh, come off it, Gavin.
I told you, buddy. I'm Guyvin.
Enough of the mindfucking.
Admit it, you bastard.
Whoa! What are you doing?
I know it's you, Gavin,
back to get your revenge on me
for lying about your heroic death
and claiming the glory for myself.
- Is that true?
- We both know it is.
I'm a chicken-shit coward liar.
Oh, Lionel.
I can see this has been
tearing you up inside.
Yes, yes, like the Blitzkrieg. Wait, what?
Oh, I feel terrible for you.
That's a lot to keep to yourself.
So you're not upset?
No, no. If anything, I'm relieved.
This is the closure I needed,
and it sounds like maybe you did too.
Yes, yes, perhaps I did.
Wow, you actually are Guyvin,
Gavin's identical
but suspiciously nice twin brother.
Aw, bring it in, my fellow scaredy-cat.
With pleasure, Guyvin.
- Oh, my pashmina!
- I can't see!
I'm afraid of the dark!
- Oh, and now I'm panic-pissing.
- Oh, dear.
The pashmina! The piss!
The pashmina and the piss!
I know you can't see, Guyvin,
but you're really getting
quite close to the edge. Oh!
And he's gone.
Well, that takes care
of that family, I hope.
Guys, what the fuck?
- He called her his fucking colleague.
- I thought this was a date.
What do we do? Freak out?
I think we should freak out.
Freak out on three? One, two
No, I'm just gonna ask him.
So, Shawn, why exactly
did you ask me out to dinner?
Oh, yeah. I was kinda hoping
I could pick your brain.
- Ouch.
- "Pick your brain"?
I would not have put on my bra
just to let him pick my brain.
You're supposed to be picking her pussy,
you pickle-pulling non-pussy picker.
I mean, when I told my girlfriend that
we were having dinner, she freaked out.
She loves you.
And he has a girlfriend?
What are you doing?
Girl, he's not into her.
- So you're bailing on us?
- You can't leave now.
The Shawn just hit the fan.
Ladies, I actually have
another client who needs me.
- And if you must know, it is Joe Biden.
- The fuck?
But that's okay, because I promise y'all,
I will be back soon.
Anyway, I thought maybe
you can connect me with your publisher?
- What do I do?
- Drag his ass.
So, Shawn, I'm gonna stop you right there.
Colleagues do not slide
into each other's DMs.
This dinner?
Could have been a fucking email.
And you're not even colleagues.
He has a shitty blog no one reads.
But yes, you can have
my publisher's contact.
Oh, great.
- Wanna write this down?
- Yeah, of course.
She's at SuckMyButt@LickMyBalls.com.
That's right, motherfucker.
- Wait, where are you going?
- I'm going home.
And you're going on the list.
- What list?
- The list.
And it's not like Craigslist.
It's not fuckin' cool to be on this one.
Ladies, I can't believe
I thought this was a date.
No, baby girl, this is not your fault.
I let Hope get my guard down.
Me too. What did I expect?
That's it!
Rochelle. Where you going?
I am gonna whoop Hope's ass.
Dante's dick?
Hey, man, you okay?
- Did you see that?
- See what?
A penis was driving that penis.
Okay, safe and sound.
"I know what you did last season"?
Is this
Oh, God, it's jizz!
"I had extra cum."
Oh, gross!
Ooh!
It's dead, Pete.
Dante's penis can't hurt you anymore.
Come on, Kamala. March in there
and wake Sleepy Joe the fuck up.
But, Petra, I don't understand.
Why can't we just use
the printer in my office?
Because Inkjet One
is the most powerful printer
in the free world.
Where the hell is she?
Oh, man, this is gonna be good.
It's okay, Joe.
The Shamrock Shake will be back next year.
How fucking dare you!
Oh, girl, no. Not here.
How could you walk out
in the middle of Alice's date?
You're such a fucking flake.
- I'm not doin' this with you, Rochelle.
- And why the hell not?
Because this,
all this anger and hopelessness,
has nothing to do with me.
Excuse me?!
This is about you
feeling sorry for yourself.
The only person I feel sorry for is Alice.
Getting her goddamn hopes up
like those fake-ass titties of yours.
Okay, first of all, these are real.
Yeah, real fake.
And I'm sorry that guy
turned out to be an asshole.
But Alice doesn't need your pity.
She said so herself.
What she needs is a Lovebug
who doesn't go to pieces
when things don't go her way.
Don't you dare leave again.
I love you, girl. You're my sister.
And I wish I could stay, I really do,
but I simply cannot.
Hey, not cool, man.
Fuck you, Joe Biden.
Aw, you can't lose hope, little lady.
But I can fucking hate that bitch!
Fuck yeah!
You're fucking with the boss now! ♪
You're fucking with the boss now! ♪
You're fucking with the boss now! ♪
Hush, hush, legs crossed
Fucking with the boss now! ♪
You're fucking with the boss now! ♪
You're fucking with the boss now! ♪
You're fucking with the boss now! ♪
Hush, hush, legs crossed
Fucking with the boss now! ♪
You're fucking with the boss now! ♪
You're fucking with the boss now! ♪
You're fucking with the boss now! ♪
Hush, hush, legs crossed
Fucking with the boss now! ♪
Fucking with the boss now! ♪