Hustle s04e02 Episode Script
Signing Up to Wealth
Yes,sir? Monkey on Captain Ben at 9 to 4.
Harry,five grand to win,Mr Sin in the next.
And it's Captain Ben a neck up on Mr Sin with Blundering Blue and Open Water tucked in behind as they pass the two furlong pole.
It's Captain Ben trying to stretch his lead on Mr Sin With Blundering Blue still in contention,Open Water falls away.
They hit the furlong marker.
Captain Ben bursting clear onto Sean O'Regan,and at the post, it's Captain Ben two lengths too good, followed by Mr Sin in second and Blundering Blue back in third.
Thank you very much.
Are you coming? My goodness,I may have lost it.
Never mind,we'll sort it out some other time.
She put up a great fight.
Could have done witha rocket up its arse.
You have one of the runners? I am in the syndicate that owns Ben.
You lucky old sod.
The going was perfect for him,he needs a bit of give Have a few quid on,did ya? Oh,yes,yes.
No hard feelings? Na,don't worry,I'll be upthere with you big boys soon.
I look forward to the competition.
Tell you what, why don't you join me inthe hospitality tent fora bottle of shampoo,eh? Maybe I could pick your brains.
I'd be delighted.
David Tyler.
Dickie Brennan.
.
.
Girls! Take Davey boy to the tent,give him a drink.
It's a nasty job,but someone has to do it.
Proudly Presents Season 1 Episode 2 Richard Brennan.
Runs a video production company,specialises in the adult market.
- Are we talking porn,Albert? - I believe that's the term used,yes.
Not a very nice gentleman,by all accounts.
What's going on? Albert's found a mark.
Whoa,forgotten something? What? Not what,who.
You can't start without your leader.
All right,all right.
Albert's talking us through the mark.
Yeah? I don't want anyone talking anyone else through anything,unless I'm here to talk it through with ev-everyone,about everything,all right? Not anyone,OK? Is that clear? ErI think so.
Albert,talk us through the mark.
You could have waited a minute.
Oh,I think we did just fine.
Children,please! Richard Brennan,Dickie to his friends.
He made his millions in the adult industry, starting with seedy sex stores and strip clubs.
Then he moved onto the adult film market.
- Yeah,I think I've seen his work,yeah.
- Why doesn't that surprise me? So,how do we get to him then? He has a passion for race horses.
He has three horses in training,but he's yet to win his first race, and I think he'll pay whatever it takes to make that happen.
Then we'd better not disappoint him.
So,now all we need is a plan.
A plan? Yeah,OK,yeah,a plan.
OK,here we go,here it comes.
Here we go,the oldthe old plan.
Listen up,gang.
What have we got? What have we got here? I'll tell you what we got, we got a horse and we've got porn - Stacie.
- No.
- No what? - I'm not doing it.
- I ain't said anything yet! - I know what you're going to say,and the answer is no.
Right,clever clogs,what was I going to say? - That I get close to the mark bymasquerading as a porn star - No.
Liar.
All right,I admit I did think of that first, but then I come up with a muchmuch better plan.
- Which is? - Uh,ready? We sell hima horse.
Yeah,go on.
Well,what? The rest is just details,innit? Well,it's not much of a plan,is it? OK.
We'll set up a big store,Moody Stables,we'll play him with a ringer - he won't even know he's been had.
Albert,reel him in,tell him a tale about a young horse,winner in the making.
Stacie,find me a horse that looks the part.
Ash,work the inside with me as an owner.
Find a racing yard we can use,dodgy kettles,the lot.
If you need anything else,I'll be at Eddie's.
We're a man short and I'm holding interviews,all morning.
I heard it,but I don't believe it.
Danny actually came up with a proper plan.
Ahhhe almost sounded mature.
I never doubted it for a second.
Hold up,did he say he was interviewing people? We don't need anybody else! Yes,we do.
Five's the magic number.
A roper,two inside men,a lure and a fixer.
- What happens when Mickey gets back? - Who says he will? Oh,don't be silly! Albie? - Danny's call.
- Thank you,Albert.
Danny,Mickey's only been gone a few weeks.
Was I or was I not elected leader? - Yeah,but - Then unless I'm very much mistaken,which I'm not, like Albert says,it's my call,and I say we need someone else.
Eddie has put the word out,got grifters from all over London.
Yep,the first should be hereany minute.
And you used my very strict screening process,you know, - weed out the no-hopers? The wheat from the chaff.
- Just likeyou said,Danny.
Bingo.
Now if you'll excuse me,kids - I'm not sure if I like the new matureDanny.
- It won't last.
Running your own crew is a big responsibility, good to see him taking it seriously.
- Hello,are you Hannah? - Yes.
Mr Blue - That's not - I think it is.
Hello! Hello,Hannah.
Daniel.
How are you? Lovelyvery nice.
Thank you,Edward,that will be all.
That's a beautiful OK,right,a few questions.
Have you got a boyfriend at the moment? .
.
Have you ever worked the wire? .
.
Hmm,a no there.
What about the rag? Shake of the head The Pigeon drop even? What about the Jamaican switch? No? Guess that's a no.
We're looking at playing,who knows,the Spanish Prisoner with a twist How many is that now? Oh,11 brunettes,nine blondes,one redhead.
So,Eddie,what exactly was this screening process? Well,he said they had to beA,a bird and B,well fit.
Lovely,lovely pair of diamonds.
And I called him mature? But they had to be grifters though,right? Well,yeah,but he said he'd be willing to train the right person as long as they were A,a bird and And B,well fit? You got it.
Go on,off you go,go on Yeah! - Yeah,yeah,definitely,got a lot of potential,that one.
- For what? Well,well,she ain't actually worked the con before, but she has worked in a bank so, you know,she's well used to nicking money off of people.
- Right.
Please tell me you're notgoing to hire any of those girls.
- Why not? Because it's shallow,sexist and slightly seedy.
All the S's,very good.
But you forgot, superb,sexy .
.
Sambuca.
So,are we doing any work today or what? Ah,the voice of reason.
You're the ones who gatecrashed the party.
You've all got your jobs to do.
On my way.
Do not employ anyone untilwe've talked about this properly.
The redhead was cute.
Lovely,weren't they? Shit! Shit! What the bloody hell was that? I could have run it quicker meself,.
Get her back out there, and use the whip on heror I'll use it on you! Something wrong,Dickie? Oh,you haven't got a decentjockey spare,have you,Davey boy? - You got a problem? - This lot are a bunch of fairies.
They think more ofthe horse's feelings than the money I'm ploughing into'em! It's an expensive hobby.
Well,a lot of people did a lot of disgusting things to pay forthese nags, the least they can dois pull their finger out.
I couldn't agree with you more.
- I mean,your lot had the right idea.
- My lot? Spurs,like the Old West -that'd liven 'em up a bit! Well,it's a novel idea.
I doubt if the Jockey Club would agree with you.
Stuff them! Anyway,what you doing here? Sniffing out the competition,are ya? No,just passing by,I thought I'd buy you lunch.
Ah,top man.
- Give me five minutes,I'll justscrape the horse shit off me boots.
- Right.
Imogen,all right,sweetheart? It's Danny Blue.
Were you now,you naughty little monkey? I call with great news.
Yes,I'm pleased to tell you that you have made the short list.
Ha ha ha ha ha! But I will need you for a second interview.
I was thinking maybe over dinner? Hello,Archie.
Bloody hell! I've had better welcomes.
Bombay Sapphire and slim-line tonicon the rocks,please.
Twist of lemon.
Half a lager for the lady.
Archie,if I didn't know better,I'd say that you weren'tvery pleased to see me.
I get nervous around grifters.
You're too tricky for my liking.
And every time I see ya,you want something.
How can you say that? So you don't want anything? No! Well,maybe just one small thing.
A horse.
Cheers.
Good job,Freddie,just make sure you hug that rail.
Mr Harrington? Nigel Marsh,Department of Food and Rural Affairs.
- What can I do for you? - Do you,um,do you keep chickens here,sir? There's a few at the main house,why? - You've heard of the Avian influenza pandemic,sir? - Yes,of course.
We,um We found this bird adjacent to your land.
Early tests show it might have traces of the AH5 strain,which as you may know, when partnered with any one of nine neuraminidase surface proteins produces sub-types including H5N1,two,three and nine.
- I don't understand.
- To put it simply,sir,there is a chance you may be infected.
We'll have to close down operations here while we carry out some tests.
I'm getting droppings from several species.
Now hang on,this is a racing yard,I can't just shut down.
You can either comply with the order,sir,or I can get the police to remove you and your staff with the inevitable unfavourable publicity that will incur.
I know it's inconvenient,sir,but we can be done here by early evening and issue you with an all clear certificate.
So this syndicate you belong to, how many horses do you own? Well,about 30 here in the UK, and about another dozen in the States.
All of which I'd swap tomorrow to get the horse I came here to buy.
- Oh? - She's a veritable flying machine.
- She's running six furlongs in just a little under a minute twelve.
- Well,that's quick.
Quick enough to win a classic.
- Any chance of me getting in on theaction? - No,no,no,I'm afraid not.
It's a done deal.
Oh This horse,don't supposeI could have a butcher's? Just to give me some ideaof what I should be looking for.
Well,I doubt if my business partners would appreciate me bringing another owner along.
Then don't tell 'em! And I'll pick up the tab for the lunch.
Hmm,well,I suppose there's no harm in just letting you see her.
Ahh! Lovely.
- Yes,mate? - Oh,lager,please.
You got any ID? So you're the world-famousEddie then? Eh? - Well,Eddie's Bar.
- Oh,right.
Yeah,I've heard a lot about you.
Yeah? You're the one who gets allthe grifters in here,aren't ya? You know about grifters? When everyone was playing computergames,I was reading about FrankAbagnale,and uhm,Count Lustig.
Oh,right.
Yeah,I heard you're,you're like the main man,virtually a grifter yourself.
Well,yeah,but,keep it to yourself,you know what I mean? Ey,course,man.
I'm cool.
Yeah,they even say like,you're thebrains behind most of the big cons.
Well,I wouldn't say the brains exactly.
No,I'm more of a a consultant,you know.
Pointing them in the right direction.
- You ever seen Charlie's Angels? - Yeah.
I got ya,I got ya.
You must have had 'em all throughhere Stacie Monroe,Mickey Bricks.
- Three Socks Morgan.
Albert Stroller.
- Yeah? - You're winding me up.
Danny Blue? - No,they all come in here,mate.
Danny? We're like that,mate.
No way.
Yes,way.
So,where is he now? So,where are we? - I've arranged to meet him this afternoon.
- We got a horse? I went to meet Archie,he'sgoing to meet us at the yardand bring a horse with him.
- The yard's sorted,we've got it till six o'clock.
- Great,OK.
- Ash's got us a dodgy stopwatch from Second-Hand Sid.
- It loses seven seconds a minute.
Show him the horse this afternoon.
Get him all excited and then bosh,hit him where it hurts.
Are we expecting anyone? No.
- Danny Blue.
- Never heard of him.
I'm Billy,Billy Bond.
All I want is five minutesof your time.
For what? I'm the best short conplayer in London.
I heard youwas looking for new blood.
I've studied all theold time grifters, Charlie Ponzi,Yellow Kid Weil,Limehouse Chappie,the High Ass kid.
I know you're working on a long conand I can help.
All I need is a chance toshow you what I can do.
I'm a work of art,a force of nature.
I make a cripple walk,a penguin fly,separate a mark from his moneyquicker than any man alive.
I'm the best of the best therest ain't worth talking about.
And you're Danny Blue,the onlyman who can teach me anything.
I just want one shot,yeah? One morecrack at the title,one more round.
Ring that bell and I'll beoff my stool,tearing it up.
Just tell the world I'm coming,ready or not.
Billy the Kid is in the house.
Yeah,sweet,brother,sweet.
- That it? - Yeah,yeah.
Who was that? - Some nutter.
- What does he want? No idea,something about making penguins fly and playing hide and seek.
I dunno.
- Well,why did he come here then? - Oh,nutters follow Danny wherever he goes.
No,he heard we were recruiting,but he must have slipped through Eddie's net by the look of him.
You could at least give him an interview.
No chance.
Looked like a tea leaf,trying his luck.
Little git.
I'm smarter than your average bear.
I'm the Lone Ranger's horse,I'm Tonto.
I'm a double-shot espresso.
I'm a baby grifter,waiting tobe born,here to suck on the,the nipples of your wisdom.
Oh,he seemed really sweet.
Sweet? He nicked me bleeding wallet.
Yeah,well he gave it you back.
You know,to find this place,take your wallet and hand it back,maybe he's as good as he says he is.
And you did say we needed somebody.
Yes,except he don't fit the very strict criteria,on account of A,he ain't a bird and B,he ain't well fit.
Come on,Danny,give the kid a chance.
You know it wasn't so long ago,that you were knocking on that door.
Yeah,well that was different.
- Why? - Cos that was me,wannit? Come on,people,let's get a move on.
Danny,what's the time? The thieving little Yeah,he's got some front,I'll give him that.
Yeah,just not the kind offront you're looking for,eh? Can we stick to the schedule,people,please,eh? Yeah,Danny,stick to the schedule.
- Knocking on my door,dipping me on my own doorstep.
- Well,he certainly got your attention.
Yeah,it was lucky he didn't get my bleeding boot up his jacksey.
Hey,my colleague's justhad to go home,his wife's justfallen off a treadmill, so I'll be taking your lesson.
Right,start your engine,check your mirrors, indicate,pull awayand follow that car.
BLEEPING,THEN ALARM SOUNDS What's happening? - So,can he run? - Er,if you meancould he win a race, yes,but only if none of theother horses turned up.
He certainly looks the part.
Oh,she's a fine looking animal,pity she's got four left feet.
Is following cars part of the test? Absolutely.
Yeah,it's allpart of the new DVLA initiative.
Gets you ready for traffic jams.
Stop here,please.
OK,you wait here and read through your traffic signs,OK? - How much? - A grand.
A grand! For a horse with four left feet! Miss Monroe said it had to look like a race horse, not actually be able to run.
- I think I also mentionedthe word "cheap",Archie.
- 500.
- I'm even lending you a jockey! - Six.
Nine fifty.
- Seven.
- 900 and we shake hands.
Ash,you shake the man's hand,Stacie you can pay him.
- You all right,mate? - Who are you? Erm,I'm a friend of Danny's.
Oh.
Yeah,um,what's the score? - Eh? - The plan.
What's going on? You'd better ask Danny.
Yeah,right.
- Right,Dickie's due in ten minutes.
We all set? - Ready as we'll ever be.
Gawd,it's like a bloody ghost town.
- I did say we should get some otherpeople.
- Where's the jockey? Archiesent him to get changed.
Well,he'd better hurry up.
Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Hello,David.
Ah,Paul,this is my friend,Richard Brennan.
Dickie,Paul Marchant.
- How do you do? - Lovely to meet you Richard.
This is my assistant Caroline.
- Great to meet you.
- I asked Dickie along to see my new baby.
Well,strictly speaking she's not yours yet, but he's very welcome all the same.
We'll be ready to go any minute,sir.
Splendid.
Nick O'Leary,my trainer,top class.
Nick,this is David Tyler, he's from the syndicate - that's buying Cindy's Fortune.
- Very lucky man,sir,she's a great horse.
Thank you,I think so too.
Righto,Nick.
Let's have a look.
Ah,here she comes.
We're running her over six furlongs.
All right now,that's right.
Up to the start! No,no,no,no this way,this way! All right,now,stay tight.
Open up for the last three,we'll see what you got in there.
David.
Ah,er,Richard.
Would you like to time her? - Oh,sure,yeah.
- All right now,let's be having you! You've got a black jockey.
It appears so,yes.
Doesn't look that quick,does she? Yeah,yeah yeah.
It canbe a bit deceptive from up here.
Right now,fingers on the clock.
Here she comes now.
Time! - How was it? - 1.
09.
- Excellent.
- She's getting better.
Oh,maybe we should put the price up.
I don't think she wants to stop.
- Shiiiiittttt! - Yeah,he'll,er,he'll,he'll be be taking her to the top field.
I'll go and check.
Well,David,it,erm,looks like we've got a classic winner there.
I think we ought to sign those contracts fast.
Look,maybe you shouldgive me your number, we could do something together.
Yes,sure.
I'll be in touch.
I look forward to it.
Thanks again,Paul,see you in the morning,nine o'clock sharp.
- Don't forget your cheque book.
- Right! I can't find the bloody thing.
Sorry,lads,Sammy had a bit of aknock.
He's all right now though.
Where's me horse? Steady,steady Ey,that's my horse! You! No,no way.
- Over my dead body.
- He learned where we drink, where we live,he dipped your watch and your wallet and he found us while giving a driving lesson.
And he gate-crashed a con.
Exactly.
- It worked out all right,didn't it? - Only just.
He's a kid and he'll be a flaming liability.
I say we give him a chance.
Well,what about Imogen? Er,Imogen's an airhead.
- Oh? You jealous,Stace? - Of what? Look,Imogen'll be great,OK? She's potential bunny-boiler material,granted,but,you know,I like that in a bird.
I mean it gives things a bit of an edge,you know.
Can we just keep to the matter in hand,please? I vote we give him a chance.
I think Stacie's right.
Albert,what do you think? Well,he's young,he's bright,he seems to have balls of steel.
But Danny is the leader and what he says goes.
Even if it's Imogen? A good crew needs a strong leader.
And I say he's out.
Here we go.
Paul Marchant speaking.
Richard! Of course I remember you.
Yes,I know it.
I'll see you there.
We've got a bite.
Paul! Good to see you,mate.
This is Suki and this is Petra.
- Say hello to Mr Marchant,girls.
- Hello.
- Sit down,sit down.
- Thank you.
Let me get you a drink.
Thank you,this is,er, very nice.
I bet you're wonderingwhat you're doing here? Well,yes.
Do I look like a Billy bull-shitterto you,Paul? Do I? Hmm,hmm? No.
That's because I'm not,so let's not spend the wholenight fannying around,eh? I want to buy that horse of yours.
Cindy's Fortune? Hmm.
Well,erm,David's already made an offer.
Yeah,yeah,yeah,yeah.
But you haven't signed acontract yet,have you,hmm? No,I haven't,no,but we have a gentleman's agreement.
Bollocks.
How much has he offered you? Well,I'm,er,I'm not sure I could say.
Force yourself Ooh! I'll give you a hundred,cash.
Cash? You got an aversion to that,have you? Well,no,no.
It's erm, - it's just not very usual.
- Usual smooshual.
I'll give you100K cash in your bin.
Whaddya say? No,no,no I couldn't possibly.
See,girls,see, I knew you was gonna say that, what with you being a gentleman.
Your word is your bond,am I right? Absolutely.
That's why I brought the girls.
You see,I'm gonna fill youfull of booze,a nice cigar.
Then the girls,they're gonna take you upstairs and they're gonna help you forgetabout all of your morals and then .
.
you're gonna sell ME that horse.
Ash,Ash,Ash! How d'you get on,mate? OK,OK,yeah,yeah,yeah,yeah,OK,yeah So,how much did he go for? Good lad! - Well,tell us then,what happened? - I met him at the hotel.
Well,he offered to buy the horse like we knew he would.
But how did you reach a price? I was gonna go for 50, but then he guessed 60, so I said 75 and he offered 100.
Yeah,yeah,yeah,genius.
You didn't rush it though? You held out for a while? Oh,it must have been hard.
- Very.
- So the deal is done? Signed,sealed and delivered.
I'm meeting at his yard tomorrow.
- Well,done.
- Fantastic,man,fantastic.
Tomorrow we take his money.
Yeah,well,you know guys, I was only doing me job.
- Are you all right? - Yeah,I will be when me head stops thumping.
All in a good cause.
Pauly boy! - How you doing? - Ooh,little fragile,old chap.
The girls send their love.
Ah! Hello.
Here as promised,Cindy's Fortune.
Brilliant.
Hang about and I'll just get you your dough.
"Girls"? Oh,er, some people we met in the bar.
Mmm.
I feel a holiday coming along.
- White sands - Oh,yeah? .
.
palm trees,calypso musicwafting up from the bar.
Ask them to turn it down,would you? There we go.
- Hey,what's this? - Ten grand.
- Ten? - Like we agreed.
I thought we agreed 100.
Oh dear.
Don't tell me you didn't read the contract before you signed it,Paul? Well,I See,not being a muppet,I thought I might need a bit of insurance.
So the contract was for 10,000 deposit, the other 90,000 when she wins her first race.
Still,a flying machine like she is, shouldn't be too long,should it? I've got her booked into a lovely little six furlong on Saturday.
She'll walk it.
- Didn't you check it? - I thought I did.
I saw the hundred grand written down,I thought it was kosher.
It's not Ash's fault.
We thought we were pulling the fastone,not the other way around.
We're 10,000 up Not exactly.
We bought the horse.
With other expenses thatbrings it down to about eight.
Right,look,we're eight grand up, there's no harm done.
Maybe we should just move on.
Ash may be right.
Stace? Discretion is sometimesthe better part of valour.
I'm sorry,all right? It happens.
No! All right? No.
We ain't giving up.
Look,there's a thousand ordinary grifters out there,OK,who'd walk away happy with eight grand,OK? But we're supposed to be the best.
I mean,that's why kids like Billy Bond came to find us,that's why I came to find Mickey.
So no crew of mine will ever walk away knowing a mark has got the better of us.
Danny,there's nothing else we can do.
Yes,there is.
Such as? We make sure that horse wins on Saturday.
- It's not funny,Archie! - Oh,yes,it is! That horse couldn't win an eggand spoon race,let alone a sprint.
There must be a way.
- Well,you could fix the race.
- OK? - Yes,I'm listening.
- How many runners? Six.
OK,here's what you do Get into the paradering before the race.
Make sure no one is looking,then tieall the other horses' legs together.
That wayshe might come in the first three! Come on,Archie,help us out here,will ya? Archie,we'll make it worth your while.
OK.
There's only one way I can think of.
This better not be another wind-up! No,but it hasn't been done for years.
What? Horse painting.
Of course Eh? How does painting the bleeding thing make it go faster? No,no,no.
You find a horse the same size,age and shape,but fast, and then you change its colouring to make it look like Cindy's Fortune.
That's the only way.
And you can do it? I could, but where are YOU goingto find the right horse? Eh? Where the hell did you find it? Well,we sort of,er,borrowed it.
They're exactly the same size.
- So can you do this,Archie? - Sure.
If the race is small enough,no-one'll be looking.
And your man who bought the other oneis no expert.
So we paint this one to look like this one and then we switch them before the race,yeah? Exactly.
No-one'll spot the difference,I guarantee it.
All right.
When can you have her ready by? - Er,gold or silver service? - Silver.
A week next Thursday.
- Gold.
- Tomorrow morning.
- How much? - Five grand.
Five grand! For slopping a bit of bloody paint on a gee-gee? Well,I don't know of anyother way you're gonna winthat race on Saturday You Pay the man,Stace.
- I feel like I've been mugged.
If it works,we get paid out,don't we? - Exactly.
Yeah,I bet Imogen would have checked the bleeding contract properly.
Er,it's a lovely evening, I think I'll take a stroll.
- Do you want me to come with you,Albie? - No,no,my dear.
I won't be long.
Hi.
Buy you a drink? You're a very persistent young man.
How do I know what's coming next? And what's that? It's the "Come back whenyou're older" speech,innit? Or "When you've had an 'air cut",or "Dress better", "Have a better attitude", "When there's an R in the month.
" Yeah,I heard more than a few speeches like that when I was your age.
- Did you listen? - No.
So,why do you wanna be a grifter? - That's all I know.
- Ah,that's not good enough.
The money.
Then you're doomed to failure.
Look,there's obviously somethingyou're waiting for me to say,old man, some ancient grifters' codethat you all know about and I don't.
I mean,we can sit here all nightplaying 20 questions tryingto find it,fact is, I don't know what it is you want meto say so Thanks for the beer Let's justforget about it,yeah? Billy do you ever watch movies? Sometimes.
Well,there's a line in Cool Hand Luke when the boss of the chain gang says to Luke,"What we have here is a failure to communicate.
" I know what's in your head,it's your heart that worries me.
I've been on the streetssince I was 13,yeah? Dozen care homes before that.
They tried to say I was bad,thetruth was I didn't like beingtouched up by dirty old men.
I stole to eat and they put me away for that,too.
I came out,tried to get a job,cos I had a record I wasstraight back on the streets.
They make the rules,I got no wayof keeping them,so I do what I do.
I go my own way.
Well,that doesn't tell me why you wanna be a grifter.
So I can play these facelessbastards at their own game.
The banks,the bosses,the man.
Hit 'em where it hurts,the only place they really careabout in the pocket.
Revenge,huh? Well,you can call it that,I call it self-defence.
You know,I knew a kid like you once,his name was Michael.
And he was consumed with anger.
He saw everything that had happened to him as an injustice, and so much so that he had to fight the whole world.
And did he? Oh,yeah.
And then some.
Who won? So you'd like me to help you? Did you help this Michael? Yes,I did.
OK,but first I want you to meet a close friend of mine.
Wow! Archie,it's identical.
That's unbelievable.
Archie,you are an artist.
You're sure she'll win the race? I don't know where you found her,but she's a flyer.
I've had a look at the other runnersand she'll leave them all stone dead.
So,do we go? Oh,yes.
That's it,nice and easy with her.
Nice and easy.
Bring her down gently.
That's it,that's it.
That's lovely,look.
This has cost me anarm and a leg,that one.
Oi,knobhead! Move that broomor I'll stick it up your arse! Albie,you're on.
On my way.
You damn cheat! That's my horse and you cheated me! All right,old man.
All's fair in love and racing.
You knew I'd done a deal with Marchant and you went behind my back.
And what makes it even worse is that I introduced you to him! Did I thank you for that? You're a cheat and a liar.
Get out of my face,old man,before I lose my patience andgive you a slap in the mouth.
- You're never gonna get away with this! - I already have.
Now sling your hook, I got a race to run.
I'm going to report you.
- Yeah? Who to? - The authorities.
Look,I offered the man more than you.
He sold me the horse.
End of story.
Now are you gonna leaveor am I gonna throw you out? You haven't heard the last of this.
Oh,yes I have.
You'll be hearing from my solicitors.
Yeah,I'll look forward to that.
The runners are leaving the parade ring for the second race.
They're on their way to the mile-and-a-half start Paul! I hope you've brought my money.
It's yours the second shepasses the winning post.
- Providing she comes first.
- Oh,she will.
I'm just off to the parade ring,put a little bet on.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do.
Is there somethingyou'd like to tell me? No.
You know,it really wasn't like youto make a mistake with the contract.
I'm beginning to think that maybe you were distracted.
I don't know what you mean.
And you never really did say,exactly what happened that night.
How exactly theyconvinced you to sign.
Did you have to work very,very hard? Can we concentrate on the matter in hand,please? Struck a nerve,did I? No,no,I just think we should go and watch the race,that's all.
Three Socks Morgan.
- Is that the best you cando on Cindy's Fortune? - 5-1,Cindy's Fortune! I'll take 6-1 on Cindy's Fortune.
The six furlong,Maiden Stakes about to get underway.
Most of the horses now at the post.
This race is for both colts and fillies,and the going now officially changed to good to firm.
Cindy's Fortune under Patrick O'Donnell in the purple colours of Richard Brennan at 5-1.
Favourite Saucy Sarah at 5-2.
And they're off! Come on,my beauty! Cindy's Fortune got off to a great start.
Saucy Sarah slowly away,so too was Boy Bluster.
But not Cindy's Fortune.
She's already gone up by a length as they approach halfway.
The further she goes,the further clear she goes.
Cindy's Fortune on a real goey day today.
Let her go! Let her go! And all the way with her,for Cindy's Fortune easily, second place for Wildlife and Boy Bluster back in third.
Yeah! Come on! Come on! Bloody marvellous! Did you see that? Yeah,now,it's just a small matter of the money.
Oh,son.
She's worthevery single penny.
Suki,go get the man his money.
Champagne! Yes! Oh,this is the best moment! Oh,she's,she's Well done! Well done,sir.
Well done.
She's sweating,she's sweating.
- Hi,security.
Stop paying out on Cindy's Fortune.
- What the bloodyhell's this? Would the clerk of the course come to the winner's enclosure.
Ah! Stop,them two! Stop them! Don'tstop me,you idiots,stop them! They're the ones,crooks!They've had me over! Archie! Come here,I'll bleeding kill you! Archie! Porn baron and horse owner Richard Brennan was arrested today for entering a filly which had been stolen from Sheikh Abdul Aziz's stables.
- Painted to look - You're missing the excitement.
Yeah? Someone's tried to rig a race by painting the horse.
No! What some people will do,eh? Eddie,turn the telly off,bring the drinks over.
What a bleeding balls-up.
I'll tell you now, I'll kill him,I'll kill Archie! It might have survived the champagne if you hadn't started patting it.
- Well,yeah,how the hell was I to know? - Yeah,well,that's it.
I can't see him payingup now somehow,can you? And with everything we've paid out,we are out of pocket.
It was all going so well.
Scotch on the rocks,Eddie.
Albie! Did you see what happened? - Hard not to,my dear.
- Yeah,well,we've definitely made a loss.
Not good.
Not good.
No,we haven't made a loss before,have we(?) - When this gets out,we'll bea laughing stock.
- All right! We might not be able to affordImogen.
Yeah,it's a pity we didn't have a plan B,wasn't it? - Ooh,a plan B,yeah! - You lot don't look very happy.
Oh,thanks for thatobservation,Eddie.
Go away.
Aye,butt out.
Oh,brilliant.
Brilliant.
I mean,now my day is complete.
I got nothing to nick.
I ain't here to nick anything.
- I so haven't got time for this,all right? - Hear the kid out.
Look,I knew the only way you'd let me in was if I proved I was good enough.
I mean,that's what you did,didn't you,Mr Blue? So I watched you .
.
worked out what you was doing,tried to help out.
- Well,you must have done a brilliant job cos we're all potless.
- Go on,Billy.
- I knew you had the whole horse thing covered,but there was one thing you missed.
- Oh,really? Yeah.
Danny? Is that the best youcan do on Cindy's Fortune? I'll take 6-1 on Cindy's Fortune.
Give the man a ticket.
If he thought his horse was gonna win,then obviously he's gonna put a big bet on.
So I thought that would be a good plan B.
Well,I mean,obviously,I thought of that.
But we just sort of run out of time.
So,er here's 20 grand.
And that's more money than I've ever seen in my life.
But it's yours if you let me in.
One question.
How much did you have to do with all this,Albert? Me? Well,absolutely nothing.
It would mean thatwe'd made a profit.
Yeah,that's true.
Actually,we did makea bit of a profit.
I decided to put a littlebet on Cindy's Fortune myself.
I collected this justbefore things went awry.
Yeah,me too.
It was too good to miss Yes,it was.
Well,seems like you were the onlyone who drew a blank then,Danny.
In your dreams.
So what d'you say then,Mr Blue? Give us one chance,yeah? D'you know,I'm getting a funny feeling that I'm being set up here.
No,no.
No.
I want it crystal clear.
I make all the decisions.
Yeah,but of course.
Absolutely.
I had someone else really good lined up an' all.
I won't let you down.
All right,you're in.
Chin-chin.
But no more messing about,yeah? No more nicking me wallet,no going off doing unilateral things on your own without my saying so.
It's a deal.
Sit down.
Well,I think we should have a toast.
To Billy the Kid.
Nice one,son.
Cheers,Billy.
Cheers.
Welcome.
Oh,no,I don't need this.
Oh,no.
Oh,dear.
How many promisesdid you make her exactly? - Right,Billy.
Your first initiative test.
- Yeah.
See that bird over there? Been offered a job,loads of money,round the world travel,fast cars and regular sex with a Brad Pitt look-a-like.
Namely,moi.
Now you have to blow her out,whilst not making her so angry that,you know,she wants to hurt me.
Got it? And if you can keep hold of the regular sex bit,you can have a bonus.
Hello,gorgeous! Gorgeous girl,look at you.
Mwah! Albert Stroller,a great pleasure.
- There's Albert.
- Three Socks Morgan,how do you do? - Three Socks,my assistant.
- Stacie Monroe.
Thank you,he's over there.
If you'll You got a lovely I'll leave you with Billy anyway,he'll tell you all about Hi,all right.
Sit down.
Don't you think that was cruel? No.
He'll be all right.
A test,innit? See what the kid's made of.
Didn't you say she was a bunny-boiler? I said she had potential to be a bunny-boiler if you upset her.
- Which is what you've just leftBilly to do.
- I think they've got a point,Danny.
OK! Let's go back.
Let's go see Billy,yeah? Billy bleeding this,Billy bleeding that.
Oh,he's good,isn't he? Yeah,what would you say? Under a minute? - Well,I'd say he's passed the test.
- Yeah.
You know what else? He reminds me of me.
Harry,five grand to win,Mr Sin in the next.
And it's Captain Ben a neck up on Mr Sin with Blundering Blue and Open Water tucked in behind as they pass the two furlong pole.
It's Captain Ben trying to stretch his lead on Mr Sin With Blundering Blue still in contention,Open Water falls away.
They hit the furlong marker.
Captain Ben bursting clear onto Sean O'Regan,and at the post, it's Captain Ben two lengths too good, followed by Mr Sin in second and Blundering Blue back in third.
Thank you very much.
Are you coming? My goodness,I may have lost it.
Never mind,we'll sort it out some other time.
She put up a great fight.
Could have done witha rocket up its arse.
You have one of the runners? I am in the syndicate that owns Ben.
You lucky old sod.
The going was perfect for him,he needs a bit of give Have a few quid on,did ya? Oh,yes,yes.
No hard feelings? Na,don't worry,I'll be upthere with you big boys soon.
I look forward to the competition.
Tell you what, why don't you join me inthe hospitality tent fora bottle of shampoo,eh? Maybe I could pick your brains.
I'd be delighted.
David Tyler.
Dickie Brennan.
.
.
Girls! Take Davey boy to the tent,give him a drink.
It's a nasty job,but someone has to do it.
Proudly Presents Season 1 Episode 2 Richard Brennan.
Runs a video production company,specialises in the adult market.
- Are we talking porn,Albert? - I believe that's the term used,yes.
Not a very nice gentleman,by all accounts.
What's going on? Albert's found a mark.
Whoa,forgotten something? What? Not what,who.
You can't start without your leader.
All right,all right.
Albert's talking us through the mark.
Yeah? I don't want anyone talking anyone else through anything,unless I'm here to talk it through with ev-everyone,about everything,all right? Not anyone,OK? Is that clear? ErI think so.
Albert,talk us through the mark.
You could have waited a minute.
Oh,I think we did just fine.
Children,please! Richard Brennan,Dickie to his friends.
He made his millions in the adult industry, starting with seedy sex stores and strip clubs.
Then he moved onto the adult film market.
- Yeah,I think I've seen his work,yeah.
- Why doesn't that surprise me? So,how do we get to him then? He has a passion for race horses.
He has three horses in training,but he's yet to win his first race, and I think he'll pay whatever it takes to make that happen.
Then we'd better not disappoint him.
So,now all we need is a plan.
A plan? Yeah,OK,yeah,a plan.
OK,here we go,here it comes.
Here we go,the oldthe old plan.
Listen up,gang.
What have we got? What have we got here? I'll tell you what we got, we got a horse and we've got porn - Stacie.
- No.
- No what? - I'm not doing it.
- I ain't said anything yet! - I know what you're going to say,and the answer is no.
Right,clever clogs,what was I going to say? - That I get close to the mark bymasquerading as a porn star - No.
Liar.
All right,I admit I did think of that first, but then I come up with a muchmuch better plan.
- Which is? - Uh,ready? We sell hima horse.
Yeah,go on.
Well,what? The rest is just details,innit? Well,it's not much of a plan,is it? OK.
We'll set up a big store,Moody Stables,we'll play him with a ringer - he won't even know he's been had.
Albert,reel him in,tell him a tale about a young horse,winner in the making.
Stacie,find me a horse that looks the part.
Ash,work the inside with me as an owner.
Find a racing yard we can use,dodgy kettles,the lot.
If you need anything else,I'll be at Eddie's.
We're a man short and I'm holding interviews,all morning.
I heard it,but I don't believe it.
Danny actually came up with a proper plan.
Ahhhe almost sounded mature.
I never doubted it for a second.
Hold up,did he say he was interviewing people? We don't need anybody else! Yes,we do.
Five's the magic number.
A roper,two inside men,a lure and a fixer.
- What happens when Mickey gets back? - Who says he will? Oh,don't be silly! Albie? - Danny's call.
- Thank you,Albert.
Danny,Mickey's only been gone a few weeks.
Was I or was I not elected leader? - Yeah,but - Then unless I'm very much mistaken,which I'm not, like Albert says,it's my call,and I say we need someone else.
Eddie has put the word out,got grifters from all over London.
Yep,the first should be hereany minute.
And you used my very strict screening process,you know, - weed out the no-hopers? The wheat from the chaff.
- Just likeyou said,Danny.
Bingo.
Now if you'll excuse me,kids - I'm not sure if I like the new matureDanny.
- It won't last.
Running your own crew is a big responsibility, good to see him taking it seriously.
- Hello,are you Hannah? - Yes.
Mr Blue - That's not - I think it is.
Hello! Hello,Hannah.
Daniel.
How are you? Lovelyvery nice.
Thank you,Edward,that will be all.
That's a beautiful OK,right,a few questions.
Have you got a boyfriend at the moment? .
.
Have you ever worked the wire? .
.
Hmm,a no there.
What about the rag? Shake of the head The Pigeon drop even? What about the Jamaican switch? No? Guess that's a no.
We're looking at playing,who knows,the Spanish Prisoner with a twist How many is that now? Oh,11 brunettes,nine blondes,one redhead.
So,Eddie,what exactly was this screening process? Well,he said they had to beA,a bird and B,well fit.
Lovely,lovely pair of diamonds.
And I called him mature? But they had to be grifters though,right? Well,yeah,but he said he'd be willing to train the right person as long as they were A,a bird and And B,well fit? You got it.
Go on,off you go,go on Yeah! - Yeah,yeah,definitely,got a lot of potential,that one.
- For what? Well,well,she ain't actually worked the con before, but she has worked in a bank so, you know,she's well used to nicking money off of people.
- Right.
Please tell me you're notgoing to hire any of those girls.
- Why not? Because it's shallow,sexist and slightly seedy.
All the S's,very good.
But you forgot, superb,sexy .
.
Sambuca.
So,are we doing any work today or what? Ah,the voice of reason.
You're the ones who gatecrashed the party.
You've all got your jobs to do.
On my way.
Do not employ anyone untilwe've talked about this properly.
The redhead was cute.
Lovely,weren't they? Shit! Shit! What the bloody hell was that? I could have run it quicker meself,.
Get her back out there, and use the whip on heror I'll use it on you! Something wrong,Dickie? Oh,you haven't got a decentjockey spare,have you,Davey boy? - You got a problem? - This lot are a bunch of fairies.
They think more ofthe horse's feelings than the money I'm ploughing into'em! It's an expensive hobby.
Well,a lot of people did a lot of disgusting things to pay forthese nags, the least they can dois pull their finger out.
I couldn't agree with you more.
- I mean,your lot had the right idea.
- My lot? Spurs,like the Old West -that'd liven 'em up a bit! Well,it's a novel idea.
I doubt if the Jockey Club would agree with you.
Stuff them! Anyway,what you doing here? Sniffing out the competition,are ya? No,just passing by,I thought I'd buy you lunch.
Ah,top man.
- Give me five minutes,I'll justscrape the horse shit off me boots.
- Right.
Imogen,all right,sweetheart? It's Danny Blue.
Were you now,you naughty little monkey? I call with great news.
Yes,I'm pleased to tell you that you have made the short list.
Ha ha ha ha ha! But I will need you for a second interview.
I was thinking maybe over dinner? Hello,Archie.
Bloody hell! I've had better welcomes.
Bombay Sapphire and slim-line tonicon the rocks,please.
Twist of lemon.
Half a lager for the lady.
Archie,if I didn't know better,I'd say that you weren'tvery pleased to see me.
I get nervous around grifters.
You're too tricky for my liking.
And every time I see ya,you want something.
How can you say that? So you don't want anything? No! Well,maybe just one small thing.
A horse.
Cheers.
Good job,Freddie,just make sure you hug that rail.
Mr Harrington? Nigel Marsh,Department of Food and Rural Affairs.
- What can I do for you? - Do you,um,do you keep chickens here,sir? There's a few at the main house,why? - You've heard of the Avian influenza pandemic,sir? - Yes,of course.
We,um We found this bird adjacent to your land.
Early tests show it might have traces of the AH5 strain,which as you may know, when partnered with any one of nine neuraminidase surface proteins produces sub-types including H5N1,two,three and nine.
- I don't understand.
- To put it simply,sir,there is a chance you may be infected.
We'll have to close down operations here while we carry out some tests.
I'm getting droppings from several species.
Now hang on,this is a racing yard,I can't just shut down.
You can either comply with the order,sir,or I can get the police to remove you and your staff with the inevitable unfavourable publicity that will incur.
I know it's inconvenient,sir,but we can be done here by early evening and issue you with an all clear certificate.
So this syndicate you belong to, how many horses do you own? Well,about 30 here in the UK, and about another dozen in the States.
All of which I'd swap tomorrow to get the horse I came here to buy.
- Oh? - She's a veritable flying machine.
- She's running six furlongs in just a little under a minute twelve.
- Well,that's quick.
Quick enough to win a classic.
- Any chance of me getting in on theaction? - No,no,no,I'm afraid not.
It's a done deal.
Oh This horse,don't supposeI could have a butcher's? Just to give me some ideaof what I should be looking for.
Well,I doubt if my business partners would appreciate me bringing another owner along.
Then don't tell 'em! And I'll pick up the tab for the lunch.
Hmm,well,I suppose there's no harm in just letting you see her.
Ahh! Lovely.
- Yes,mate? - Oh,lager,please.
You got any ID? So you're the world-famousEddie then? Eh? - Well,Eddie's Bar.
- Oh,right.
Yeah,I've heard a lot about you.
Yeah? You're the one who gets allthe grifters in here,aren't ya? You know about grifters? When everyone was playing computergames,I was reading about FrankAbagnale,and uhm,Count Lustig.
Oh,right.
Yeah,I heard you're,you're like the main man,virtually a grifter yourself.
Well,yeah,but,keep it to yourself,you know what I mean? Ey,course,man.
I'm cool.
Yeah,they even say like,you're thebrains behind most of the big cons.
Well,I wouldn't say the brains exactly.
No,I'm more of a a consultant,you know.
Pointing them in the right direction.
- You ever seen Charlie's Angels? - Yeah.
I got ya,I got ya.
You must have had 'em all throughhere Stacie Monroe,Mickey Bricks.
- Three Socks Morgan.
Albert Stroller.
- Yeah? - You're winding me up.
Danny Blue? - No,they all come in here,mate.
Danny? We're like that,mate.
No way.
Yes,way.
So,where is he now? So,where are we? - I've arranged to meet him this afternoon.
- We got a horse? I went to meet Archie,he'sgoing to meet us at the yardand bring a horse with him.
- The yard's sorted,we've got it till six o'clock.
- Great,OK.
- Ash's got us a dodgy stopwatch from Second-Hand Sid.
- It loses seven seconds a minute.
Show him the horse this afternoon.
Get him all excited and then bosh,hit him where it hurts.
Are we expecting anyone? No.
- Danny Blue.
- Never heard of him.
I'm Billy,Billy Bond.
All I want is five minutesof your time.
For what? I'm the best short conplayer in London.
I heard youwas looking for new blood.
I've studied all theold time grifters, Charlie Ponzi,Yellow Kid Weil,Limehouse Chappie,the High Ass kid.
I know you're working on a long conand I can help.
All I need is a chance toshow you what I can do.
I'm a work of art,a force of nature.
I make a cripple walk,a penguin fly,separate a mark from his moneyquicker than any man alive.
I'm the best of the best therest ain't worth talking about.
And you're Danny Blue,the onlyman who can teach me anything.
I just want one shot,yeah? One morecrack at the title,one more round.
Ring that bell and I'll beoff my stool,tearing it up.
Just tell the world I'm coming,ready or not.
Billy the Kid is in the house.
Yeah,sweet,brother,sweet.
- That it? - Yeah,yeah.
Who was that? - Some nutter.
- What does he want? No idea,something about making penguins fly and playing hide and seek.
I dunno.
- Well,why did he come here then? - Oh,nutters follow Danny wherever he goes.
No,he heard we were recruiting,but he must have slipped through Eddie's net by the look of him.
You could at least give him an interview.
No chance.
Looked like a tea leaf,trying his luck.
Little git.
I'm smarter than your average bear.
I'm the Lone Ranger's horse,I'm Tonto.
I'm a double-shot espresso.
I'm a baby grifter,waiting tobe born,here to suck on the,the nipples of your wisdom.
Oh,he seemed really sweet.
Sweet? He nicked me bleeding wallet.
Yeah,well he gave it you back.
You know,to find this place,take your wallet and hand it back,maybe he's as good as he says he is.
And you did say we needed somebody.
Yes,except he don't fit the very strict criteria,on account of A,he ain't a bird and B,he ain't well fit.
Come on,Danny,give the kid a chance.
You know it wasn't so long ago,that you were knocking on that door.
Yeah,well that was different.
- Why? - Cos that was me,wannit? Come on,people,let's get a move on.
Danny,what's the time? The thieving little Yeah,he's got some front,I'll give him that.
Yeah,just not the kind offront you're looking for,eh? Can we stick to the schedule,people,please,eh? Yeah,Danny,stick to the schedule.
- Knocking on my door,dipping me on my own doorstep.
- Well,he certainly got your attention.
Yeah,it was lucky he didn't get my bleeding boot up his jacksey.
Hey,my colleague's justhad to go home,his wife's justfallen off a treadmill, so I'll be taking your lesson.
Right,start your engine,check your mirrors, indicate,pull awayand follow that car.
BLEEPING,THEN ALARM SOUNDS What's happening? - So,can he run? - Er,if you meancould he win a race, yes,but only if none of theother horses turned up.
He certainly looks the part.
Oh,she's a fine looking animal,pity she's got four left feet.
Is following cars part of the test? Absolutely.
Yeah,it's allpart of the new DVLA initiative.
Gets you ready for traffic jams.
Stop here,please.
OK,you wait here and read through your traffic signs,OK? - How much? - A grand.
A grand! For a horse with four left feet! Miss Monroe said it had to look like a race horse, not actually be able to run.
- I think I also mentionedthe word "cheap",Archie.
- 500.
- I'm even lending you a jockey! - Six.
Nine fifty.
- Seven.
- 900 and we shake hands.
Ash,you shake the man's hand,Stacie you can pay him.
- You all right,mate? - Who are you? Erm,I'm a friend of Danny's.
Oh.
Yeah,um,what's the score? - Eh? - The plan.
What's going on? You'd better ask Danny.
Yeah,right.
- Right,Dickie's due in ten minutes.
We all set? - Ready as we'll ever be.
Gawd,it's like a bloody ghost town.
- I did say we should get some otherpeople.
- Where's the jockey? Archiesent him to get changed.
Well,he'd better hurry up.
Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Hello,David.
Ah,Paul,this is my friend,Richard Brennan.
Dickie,Paul Marchant.
- How do you do? - Lovely to meet you Richard.
This is my assistant Caroline.
- Great to meet you.
- I asked Dickie along to see my new baby.
Well,strictly speaking she's not yours yet, but he's very welcome all the same.
We'll be ready to go any minute,sir.
Splendid.
Nick O'Leary,my trainer,top class.
Nick,this is David Tyler, he's from the syndicate - that's buying Cindy's Fortune.
- Very lucky man,sir,she's a great horse.
Thank you,I think so too.
Righto,Nick.
Let's have a look.
Ah,here she comes.
We're running her over six furlongs.
All right now,that's right.
Up to the start! No,no,no,no this way,this way! All right,now,stay tight.
Open up for the last three,we'll see what you got in there.
David.
Ah,er,Richard.
Would you like to time her? - Oh,sure,yeah.
- All right now,let's be having you! You've got a black jockey.
It appears so,yes.
Doesn't look that quick,does she? Yeah,yeah yeah.
It canbe a bit deceptive from up here.
Right now,fingers on the clock.
Here she comes now.
Time! - How was it? - 1.
09.
- Excellent.
- She's getting better.
Oh,maybe we should put the price up.
I don't think she wants to stop.
- Shiiiiittttt! - Yeah,he'll,er,he'll,he'll be be taking her to the top field.
I'll go and check.
Well,David,it,erm,looks like we've got a classic winner there.
I think we ought to sign those contracts fast.
Look,maybe you shouldgive me your number, we could do something together.
Yes,sure.
I'll be in touch.
I look forward to it.
Thanks again,Paul,see you in the morning,nine o'clock sharp.
- Don't forget your cheque book.
- Right! I can't find the bloody thing.
Sorry,lads,Sammy had a bit of aknock.
He's all right now though.
Where's me horse? Steady,steady Ey,that's my horse! You! No,no way.
- Over my dead body.
- He learned where we drink, where we live,he dipped your watch and your wallet and he found us while giving a driving lesson.
And he gate-crashed a con.
Exactly.
- It worked out all right,didn't it? - Only just.
He's a kid and he'll be a flaming liability.
I say we give him a chance.
Well,what about Imogen? Er,Imogen's an airhead.
- Oh? You jealous,Stace? - Of what? Look,Imogen'll be great,OK? She's potential bunny-boiler material,granted,but,you know,I like that in a bird.
I mean it gives things a bit of an edge,you know.
Can we just keep to the matter in hand,please? I vote we give him a chance.
I think Stacie's right.
Albert,what do you think? Well,he's young,he's bright,he seems to have balls of steel.
But Danny is the leader and what he says goes.
Even if it's Imogen? A good crew needs a strong leader.
And I say he's out.
Here we go.
Paul Marchant speaking.
Richard! Of course I remember you.
Yes,I know it.
I'll see you there.
We've got a bite.
Paul! Good to see you,mate.
This is Suki and this is Petra.
- Say hello to Mr Marchant,girls.
- Hello.
- Sit down,sit down.
- Thank you.
Let me get you a drink.
Thank you,this is,er, very nice.
I bet you're wonderingwhat you're doing here? Well,yes.
Do I look like a Billy bull-shitterto you,Paul? Do I? Hmm,hmm? No.
That's because I'm not,so let's not spend the wholenight fannying around,eh? I want to buy that horse of yours.
Cindy's Fortune? Hmm.
Well,erm,David's already made an offer.
Yeah,yeah,yeah,yeah.
But you haven't signed acontract yet,have you,hmm? No,I haven't,no,but we have a gentleman's agreement.
Bollocks.
How much has he offered you? Well,I'm,er,I'm not sure I could say.
Force yourself Ooh! I'll give you a hundred,cash.
Cash? You got an aversion to that,have you? Well,no,no.
It's erm, - it's just not very usual.
- Usual smooshual.
I'll give you100K cash in your bin.
Whaddya say? No,no,no I couldn't possibly.
See,girls,see, I knew you was gonna say that, what with you being a gentleman.
Your word is your bond,am I right? Absolutely.
That's why I brought the girls.
You see,I'm gonna fill youfull of booze,a nice cigar.
Then the girls,they're gonna take you upstairs and they're gonna help you forgetabout all of your morals and then .
.
you're gonna sell ME that horse.
Ash,Ash,Ash! How d'you get on,mate? OK,OK,yeah,yeah,yeah,yeah,OK,yeah So,how much did he go for? Good lad! - Well,tell us then,what happened? - I met him at the hotel.
Well,he offered to buy the horse like we knew he would.
But how did you reach a price? I was gonna go for 50, but then he guessed 60, so I said 75 and he offered 100.
Yeah,yeah,yeah,genius.
You didn't rush it though? You held out for a while? Oh,it must have been hard.
- Very.
- So the deal is done? Signed,sealed and delivered.
I'm meeting at his yard tomorrow.
- Well,done.
- Fantastic,man,fantastic.
Tomorrow we take his money.
Yeah,well,you know guys, I was only doing me job.
- Are you all right? - Yeah,I will be when me head stops thumping.
All in a good cause.
Pauly boy! - How you doing? - Ooh,little fragile,old chap.
The girls send their love.
Ah! Hello.
Here as promised,Cindy's Fortune.
Brilliant.
Hang about and I'll just get you your dough.
"Girls"? Oh,er, some people we met in the bar.
Mmm.
I feel a holiday coming along.
- White sands - Oh,yeah? .
.
palm trees,calypso musicwafting up from the bar.
Ask them to turn it down,would you? There we go.
- Hey,what's this? - Ten grand.
- Ten? - Like we agreed.
I thought we agreed 100.
Oh dear.
Don't tell me you didn't read the contract before you signed it,Paul? Well,I See,not being a muppet,I thought I might need a bit of insurance.
So the contract was for 10,000 deposit, the other 90,000 when she wins her first race.
Still,a flying machine like she is, shouldn't be too long,should it? I've got her booked into a lovely little six furlong on Saturday.
She'll walk it.
- Didn't you check it? - I thought I did.
I saw the hundred grand written down,I thought it was kosher.
It's not Ash's fault.
We thought we were pulling the fastone,not the other way around.
We're 10,000 up Not exactly.
We bought the horse.
With other expenses thatbrings it down to about eight.
Right,look,we're eight grand up, there's no harm done.
Maybe we should just move on.
Ash may be right.
Stace? Discretion is sometimesthe better part of valour.
I'm sorry,all right? It happens.
No! All right? No.
We ain't giving up.
Look,there's a thousand ordinary grifters out there,OK,who'd walk away happy with eight grand,OK? But we're supposed to be the best.
I mean,that's why kids like Billy Bond came to find us,that's why I came to find Mickey.
So no crew of mine will ever walk away knowing a mark has got the better of us.
Danny,there's nothing else we can do.
Yes,there is.
Such as? We make sure that horse wins on Saturday.
- It's not funny,Archie! - Oh,yes,it is! That horse couldn't win an eggand spoon race,let alone a sprint.
There must be a way.
- Well,you could fix the race.
- OK? - Yes,I'm listening.
- How many runners? Six.
OK,here's what you do Get into the paradering before the race.
Make sure no one is looking,then tieall the other horses' legs together.
That wayshe might come in the first three! Come on,Archie,help us out here,will ya? Archie,we'll make it worth your while.
OK.
There's only one way I can think of.
This better not be another wind-up! No,but it hasn't been done for years.
What? Horse painting.
Of course Eh? How does painting the bleeding thing make it go faster? No,no,no.
You find a horse the same size,age and shape,but fast, and then you change its colouring to make it look like Cindy's Fortune.
That's the only way.
And you can do it? I could, but where are YOU goingto find the right horse? Eh? Where the hell did you find it? Well,we sort of,er,borrowed it.
They're exactly the same size.
- So can you do this,Archie? - Sure.
If the race is small enough,no-one'll be looking.
And your man who bought the other oneis no expert.
So we paint this one to look like this one and then we switch them before the race,yeah? Exactly.
No-one'll spot the difference,I guarantee it.
All right.
When can you have her ready by? - Er,gold or silver service? - Silver.
A week next Thursday.
- Gold.
- Tomorrow morning.
- How much? - Five grand.
Five grand! For slopping a bit of bloody paint on a gee-gee? Well,I don't know of anyother way you're gonna winthat race on Saturday You Pay the man,Stace.
- I feel like I've been mugged.
If it works,we get paid out,don't we? - Exactly.
Yeah,I bet Imogen would have checked the bleeding contract properly.
Er,it's a lovely evening, I think I'll take a stroll.
- Do you want me to come with you,Albie? - No,no,my dear.
I won't be long.
Hi.
Buy you a drink? You're a very persistent young man.
How do I know what's coming next? And what's that? It's the "Come back whenyou're older" speech,innit? Or "When you've had an 'air cut",or "Dress better", "Have a better attitude", "When there's an R in the month.
" Yeah,I heard more than a few speeches like that when I was your age.
- Did you listen? - No.
So,why do you wanna be a grifter? - That's all I know.
- Ah,that's not good enough.
The money.
Then you're doomed to failure.
Look,there's obviously somethingyou're waiting for me to say,old man, some ancient grifters' codethat you all know about and I don't.
I mean,we can sit here all nightplaying 20 questions tryingto find it,fact is, I don't know what it is you want meto say so Thanks for the beer Let's justforget about it,yeah? Billy do you ever watch movies? Sometimes.
Well,there's a line in Cool Hand Luke when the boss of the chain gang says to Luke,"What we have here is a failure to communicate.
" I know what's in your head,it's your heart that worries me.
I've been on the streetssince I was 13,yeah? Dozen care homes before that.
They tried to say I was bad,thetruth was I didn't like beingtouched up by dirty old men.
I stole to eat and they put me away for that,too.
I came out,tried to get a job,cos I had a record I wasstraight back on the streets.
They make the rules,I got no wayof keeping them,so I do what I do.
I go my own way.
Well,that doesn't tell me why you wanna be a grifter.
So I can play these facelessbastards at their own game.
The banks,the bosses,the man.
Hit 'em where it hurts,the only place they really careabout in the pocket.
Revenge,huh? Well,you can call it that,I call it self-defence.
You know,I knew a kid like you once,his name was Michael.
And he was consumed with anger.
He saw everything that had happened to him as an injustice, and so much so that he had to fight the whole world.
And did he? Oh,yeah.
And then some.
Who won? So you'd like me to help you? Did you help this Michael? Yes,I did.
OK,but first I want you to meet a close friend of mine.
Wow! Archie,it's identical.
That's unbelievable.
Archie,you are an artist.
You're sure she'll win the race? I don't know where you found her,but she's a flyer.
I've had a look at the other runnersand she'll leave them all stone dead.
So,do we go? Oh,yes.
That's it,nice and easy with her.
Nice and easy.
Bring her down gently.
That's it,that's it.
That's lovely,look.
This has cost me anarm and a leg,that one.
Oi,knobhead! Move that broomor I'll stick it up your arse! Albie,you're on.
On my way.
You damn cheat! That's my horse and you cheated me! All right,old man.
All's fair in love and racing.
You knew I'd done a deal with Marchant and you went behind my back.
And what makes it even worse is that I introduced you to him! Did I thank you for that? You're a cheat and a liar.
Get out of my face,old man,before I lose my patience andgive you a slap in the mouth.
- You're never gonna get away with this! - I already have.
Now sling your hook, I got a race to run.
I'm going to report you.
- Yeah? Who to? - The authorities.
Look,I offered the man more than you.
He sold me the horse.
End of story.
Now are you gonna leaveor am I gonna throw you out? You haven't heard the last of this.
Oh,yes I have.
You'll be hearing from my solicitors.
Yeah,I'll look forward to that.
The runners are leaving the parade ring for the second race.
They're on their way to the mile-and-a-half start Paul! I hope you've brought my money.
It's yours the second shepasses the winning post.
- Providing she comes first.
- Oh,she will.
I'm just off to the parade ring,put a little bet on.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do.
Is there somethingyou'd like to tell me? No.
You know,it really wasn't like youto make a mistake with the contract.
I'm beginning to think that maybe you were distracted.
I don't know what you mean.
And you never really did say,exactly what happened that night.
How exactly theyconvinced you to sign.
Did you have to work very,very hard? Can we concentrate on the matter in hand,please? Struck a nerve,did I? No,no,I just think we should go and watch the race,that's all.
Three Socks Morgan.
- Is that the best you cando on Cindy's Fortune? - 5-1,Cindy's Fortune! I'll take 6-1 on Cindy's Fortune.
The six furlong,Maiden Stakes about to get underway.
Most of the horses now at the post.
This race is for both colts and fillies,and the going now officially changed to good to firm.
Cindy's Fortune under Patrick O'Donnell in the purple colours of Richard Brennan at 5-1.
Favourite Saucy Sarah at 5-2.
And they're off! Come on,my beauty! Cindy's Fortune got off to a great start.
Saucy Sarah slowly away,so too was Boy Bluster.
But not Cindy's Fortune.
She's already gone up by a length as they approach halfway.
The further she goes,the further clear she goes.
Cindy's Fortune on a real goey day today.
Let her go! Let her go! And all the way with her,for Cindy's Fortune easily, second place for Wildlife and Boy Bluster back in third.
Yeah! Come on! Come on! Bloody marvellous! Did you see that? Yeah,now,it's just a small matter of the money.
Oh,son.
She's worthevery single penny.
Suki,go get the man his money.
Champagne! Yes! Oh,this is the best moment! Oh,she's,she's Well done! Well done,sir.
Well done.
She's sweating,she's sweating.
- Hi,security.
Stop paying out on Cindy's Fortune.
- What the bloodyhell's this? Would the clerk of the course come to the winner's enclosure.
Ah! Stop,them two! Stop them! Don'tstop me,you idiots,stop them! They're the ones,crooks!They've had me over! Archie! Come here,I'll bleeding kill you! Archie! Porn baron and horse owner Richard Brennan was arrested today for entering a filly which had been stolen from Sheikh Abdul Aziz's stables.
- Painted to look - You're missing the excitement.
Yeah? Someone's tried to rig a race by painting the horse.
No! What some people will do,eh? Eddie,turn the telly off,bring the drinks over.
What a bleeding balls-up.
I'll tell you now, I'll kill him,I'll kill Archie! It might have survived the champagne if you hadn't started patting it.
- Well,yeah,how the hell was I to know? - Yeah,well,that's it.
I can't see him payingup now somehow,can you? And with everything we've paid out,we are out of pocket.
It was all going so well.
Scotch on the rocks,Eddie.
Albie! Did you see what happened? - Hard not to,my dear.
- Yeah,well,we've definitely made a loss.
Not good.
Not good.
No,we haven't made a loss before,have we(?) - When this gets out,we'll bea laughing stock.
- All right! We might not be able to affordImogen.
Yeah,it's a pity we didn't have a plan B,wasn't it? - Ooh,a plan B,yeah! - You lot don't look very happy.
Oh,thanks for thatobservation,Eddie.
Go away.
Aye,butt out.
Oh,brilliant.
Brilliant.
I mean,now my day is complete.
I got nothing to nick.
I ain't here to nick anything.
- I so haven't got time for this,all right? - Hear the kid out.
Look,I knew the only way you'd let me in was if I proved I was good enough.
I mean,that's what you did,didn't you,Mr Blue? So I watched you .
.
worked out what you was doing,tried to help out.
- Well,you must have done a brilliant job cos we're all potless.
- Go on,Billy.
- I knew you had the whole horse thing covered,but there was one thing you missed.
- Oh,really? Yeah.
Danny? Is that the best youcan do on Cindy's Fortune? I'll take 6-1 on Cindy's Fortune.
Give the man a ticket.
If he thought his horse was gonna win,then obviously he's gonna put a big bet on.
So I thought that would be a good plan B.
Well,I mean,obviously,I thought of that.
But we just sort of run out of time.
So,er here's 20 grand.
And that's more money than I've ever seen in my life.
But it's yours if you let me in.
One question.
How much did you have to do with all this,Albert? Me? Well,absolutely nothing.
It would mean thatwe'd made a profit.
Yeah,that's true.
Actually,we did makea bit of a profit.
I decided to put a littlebet on Cindy's Fortune myself.
I collected this justbefore things went awry.
Yeah,me too.
It was too good to miss Yes,it was.
Well,seems like you were the onlyone who drew a blank then,Danny.
In your dreams.
So what d'you say then,Mr Blue? Give us one chance,yeah? D'you know,I'm getting a funny feeling that I'm being set up here.
No,no.
No.
I want it crystal clear.
I make all the decisions.
Yeah,but of course.
Absolutely.
I had someone else really good lined up an' all.
I won't let you down.
All right,you're in.
Chin-chin.
But no more messing about,yeah? No more nicking me wallet,no going off doing unilateral things on your own without my saying so.
It's a deal.
Sit down.
Well,I think we should have a toast.
To Billy the Kid.
Nice one,son.
Cheers,Billy.
Cheers.
Welcome.
Oh,no,I don't need this.
Oh,no.
Oh,dear.
How many promisesdid you make her exactly? - Right,Billy.
Your first initiative test.
- Yeah.
See that bird over there? Been offered a job,loads of money,round the world travel,fast cars and regular sex with a Brad Pitt look-a-like.
Namely,moi.
Now you have to blow her out,whilst not making her so angry that,you know,she wants to hurt me.
Got it? And if you can keep hold of the regular sex bit,you can have a bonus.
Hello,gorgeous! Gorgeous girl,look at you.
Mwah! Albert Stroller,a great pleasure.
- There's Albert.
- Three Socks Morgan,how do you do? - Three Socks,my assistant.
- Stacie Monroe.
Thank you,he's over there.
If you'll You got a lovely I'll leave you with Billy anyway,he'll tell you all about Hi,all right.
Sit down.
Don't you think that was cruel? No.
He'll be all right.
A test,innit? See what the kid's made of.
Didn't you say she was a bunny-boiler? I said she had potential to be a bunny-boiler if you upset her.
- Which is what you've just leftBilly to do.
- I think they've got a point,Danny.
OK! Let's go back.
Let's go see Billy,yeah? Billy bleeding this,Billy bleeding that.
Oh,he's good,isn't he? Yeah,what would you say? Under a minute? - Well,I'd say he's passed the test.
- Yeah.
You know what else? He reminds me of me.