Hustle s08e04 Episode Script
Eat Yourself Slender
You! Another beer.
This one taste like monkey sweat.
Please! What?! You lecture me in manners? You, dressed like prostitute! Eh! It's six o'clock in the morning.
I want my breakfast.
Can we just get on with the game, please? Come on, then, little boy, make your bloody move.
Yeah, all right.
I'll call you five grand.
Let's see what you got.
Hang on a minute.
I've been looking at you all night.
I'm flattered.
You're not really my type, love.
Trying to work out why I knew your face, and it's just come to me.
Oh, yeah? I think you're Kennedy.
The card counter.
I think you're Sean Kennedy.
Security! ALARM Argh! Kensington.
Stop! When will you be free? I need to cash these chips.
I can't exactly go back in the casino.
Well, well, well, what have we here! I'll call you back.
Five bloody grand you took off me.
I want my money, you cheating pig, or I call the police! Look, ok, ok, ok.
Look, mate, that's only fair, all right? Five grand, yeah? There you go.
Sorry about that.
You want to cash the chips? I'll do it.
I'll give you cash for them, right now.
- How much? - How much you got in there? About 40K's worth.
I'll give you ten.
LAUGHS You're having a laugh, mate! - 15.
- No chance You make a bit, I make a bit.
What's not to like? What's not to like? I'd like to cash these, please.
- Is this a joke? - What? I'm not cashing these.
What do you mean you're not cashing them? Why? Well why d'you think? They're fake.
Obviously they're fake.
I think you're Kennedy.
The card counter.
I think you're Sean Kennedy.
Security! Kensington.
You make a bit, I make a bit.
What's not to like? What's not to like? Argh! Listen, cheers, Caz.
You played an absolute blinder as usual.
Thanks, babe.
Really sweet of you, that.
Sure we can't give you a lift anywhere? No thanks, Ash.
Not feeling too clever, to be honest.
I could do with a bit of a walk and some fresh Whoa Ooh! Ambulance.
You're going to be fine, love.
Tough as old boots, you are.
Less of the "old".
Yeah, well, you know what I mean.
I don't want to die, Ash.
Hey, hey, hey, hey! No-one's doing any dying.
Besides, there's a queue.
And Albert's first.
Charming! You're going to be fine, yeah? I'll come back with a bunch of grapes.
Are you next of kin? Well, as good as.
There's no-one else.
Your friend's had a very serious heart attack and she'll be in for quite a while.
Now, she's going to need some stuff from home.
Is there any way you'll be able to sort that out? Yeah, yeah, yeah, consider it done.
Heart attack? All right, thanks for letting me know, Sandra.
Yeah, I know it couldn't have been an easy call.
Right, thanks again.
Bye-bye.
Poor old girl.
I'll have a whiskey, Eddie, large one.
I know how you feel, mate.
I might join you there.
Very upsetting news.
- You already heard? - Yeah, Ash phoned me.
Well, I suppose it wasn't a surprise to anyone.
She just went down like a sack of potatoes.
It's awful.
In the end, they had no option but to put her down.
They shot Carol? No! El Matador, at 10.
30 at Chepstow.
I'm talking about Carol.
Oh! Carol is recovering in the hospital.
And unless the NHS is in more trouble than I thought, I don't believe they're planning on murdering her.
Right.
Good, cos yeah, she's er she's a she's a lovely lady, Carol.
Remember the Downing Street switch? - What, that was Carol? - Uh-huh.
Yeah.
- And the London Eye float.
- Yeah? The bearer bond scam of 2000.
All hers.
She evenshe even took Mad Frankie Fraser for ten quid when she was five years old.
(No!) Yeah, in her day Carol was one of the best.
So there's no fella on the scene, then? Not if this is anything to go by.
Whoa! Now that is what I call comfort food.
No wonder she's not well.
What the hell "Eat Yourself Slender"? Now, this I've got to see.
'Hey, I'm Dr Dean Deville, 'and I'm here today to tell you about the EYS plan 'the diet plan that has taken the slimming world by storm.
'Eat Yourself Slender is the diet plan that allows you 'to live the lifestyle you deserve 'while simultaneously helping you to lose weight.
'How's that possible? 'Simple! By understanding how metabolism really works.
'For the last five years, I have worked with a team of top nutritionists across the globe, 'and what I've learned has turned the science of weight loss on its head.
'Now it's time to share that with you in the UK.
'There are four types of fat.
'Good fat, bad fat, thin fat and fat fat.
'The Eat Yourself Slender plan allows you to eat all the good thin fat you like, 'whilst at the same time reducing your bad fat fat.
'This is Ray.
'Look at him before.
'And look at him now! 'He has lost 22 stone by eating what he wants to eat 'on the Eat Yourself Slender plan.
'Gail used to be repulsive 'but six months on the Eat Yourself Slender plan 'and Gail's got the figure she always wanted.
'So, don't delay.
'For only £99.
99 a month, you too can be part 'of the Eat Yourself Slender plan.
'Be the person you always wanted to be.
'The Eat Yourself Slender plan.
'Because the rest of your life starts today.
' Carol had been on the diet for six months.
She was nine and a half stone when she started, hospital this morning.
And if you read these, you can see why.
It is a recipe for heart disease, high blood pressure, raised cholesterol.
It'd be funny if it wasn't so dangerous.
Meanwhile, Dr Dean Deville and his wife and business partner Dana have gained quite a few pounds over the last few years.
Yeah, over ten million of them, according to Companies House.
Please tell me we think they can afford to shed a few.
They sold Carol a diet plan that nearly killed her.
I think we should take them for everything we can.
Yeah, definitely.
Oh, yes.
OK.
Good.
So, who are they? Albert history.
Where did they come from and why did they leave America? Emma, check out their business interests and anything else they may be involved in.
Mm-hm.
Sean, check out the science.
Their labs and qualifications.
I'll do hobbies and personal interests.
Ash, the legal implications.
How the hell do they manage to keep selling a product that is clearly so dangerous.
Right? Let's do this.
'I'm Dr Dean Deville Dr Dean Deville 'I'm Dr Dean Deville, and I'm here today to tell you about the EYS plan.
' Dean and Dana Deville.
Oh, these guys are pros.
They've been doing what they've been doing in one form or another over the years.
They always manage to stay just one step ahead of the law.
'With Pro-Butrimol-F and active vita-beta-retinal 5 action, 'this is probably the best vitamin in the world ever, ever.
' In 2005, they moved onto the internet and became the king and queen of the infomercial.
'Just £9.
99 is all it'll cost to end the pain of arthritis forever, forever.
'And say goodbye to swine flu misery with Pig-U-Go.
' There's no evidence to suggest any products they sell have had scientific testing.
And as far as qualifications are concerned, well, they're from a mail order place in Tupelo.
Dr Pepper is more qualified than these two.
They circumvent any legal issues arising from this by selling them as health supplements and like Albert said, always just getting away with it.
Last year, they made profits of over £2 million getting away with it.
Most of this, it's invested in art purchases which they store in safety deposits, to sell for profit at a later date.
It looks like they have an interest in art, but it's done purely for financial gain.
So I think it's pretty clear that the accumulation of money is their main hobby, but what's their weakness? - Arrogance.
They think they're untouchable.
- Yes.
But the UK's much more strictly regulated than the States it must be getting harder for them to stay one step ahead of the authorities.
So, I mean if you were them, wouldn't you be looking for a way out now? A way to find the big one, the ultimate, that one last legitimate product that would allow you to retire? - So that's what we offer them? - Yes.
And we use their arrogance, this feeling they can do anything, to blind them to what we're doing.
So what's the actual con? We are going to sell them a genuine wonder product that will make them billions.
Which is? MOCK AMERICAN ACCENT: Which is the best diet drug in the world ever! All right, so what's the convincer? Yes, these people are scammers themselves.
And pretty good ones.
They'll spot an ordinary convincer a mile off.
So in order to outsmart them, we'll have to be very clever.
Who's heard of the Montagne scam? The guy that stole the Venus de Milo.
Yeah, and more importantly, sold it again.
So, our convincer, we are going to sell the Devilles this.
The Lucien egg, one of a pair of Faberge eggs, and this one is currently residing at the Tenguiz Gallery.
- Who owns the other one? - The Devilles do.
The eggs together are worth much more than the sum of their parts, so unsurprisingly, the Devilles have made repeated attempts to buy the Lucien egg, but Josh Tenguiz simply isn't interested.
They also tried to sell him their egg at a grossly inflated amount - but still, no deal.
- So? A few years ago, the Devilles were interviewed by police in connection to the purchase and profitable sale of some stolen artwork.
They claimed they did it in good faith and there were no charges.
I think the jury's still out on that one but I think it's safe to say these people would stop at nothing to snaffle up a bargain.
So Emma, Sean, I want you to check out security at the Tenguiz Gallery.
Ash, we'll go and see an old friend of mine.
Albert, Dali Macmanus.
Wherever he is, whoever he is these days, I need you to find him.
And one last thing We can't rush this.
To draw these people in successfully, we need time, so be patient and remember that revenge is a dish best served cold.
Freddy the Face, long time no see.
Hello? No, I can't talk right now.
No, I'm going into the gallery.
No, I should be quick.
OK, hold on Cheers, darling.
- Well, I'm done, you ready? - Yeah, let's do it.
Oh, my goodness.
Excuse me, somebody! This is something bad here! There's something bad here in this bag.
Evacuate the gallery as quickly as possible! Come on! ALARM RINGS If we're thinking of trying to steal this egg, we're in trouble.
Why? Because everyone of the exhibits in this gallery is coated with an invisible chemical.
A chemical which reacts to an infra red light if taken through any of the 56 internal doors and sets off the alarms.
- Basically, we're buggered.
- We're buggered.
Excellent.
DOOR BUZZER GOES That'll be the pizza.
Could you get that please, Sean? Yeah, don't worry about it, I'll get it.
Just push the door mate.
Oh, my gawd, I'm gonna have a bleedin' 'eart attack! What's the matter, lift broken? Nah, it's not the lifts mate, no, I'm just a fat git.
Glutton dressed as glam.
What d'you think? Oh, my God! So over the whole time we set up the convincer, me and Mickey will be in weekly contact with the Devilles.
But each time we meet, Freddy the Face will have fitted me with a smaller fat suit.
So by the time the convincer's over, I'll appear to have lost six stone in as many weeks and they will want to know how.
- What? - It's scary how well you carry it off.
Yeah.
Sure you don't want a bit of salad now? PHONE RINGS - Hey, Em.
- The Devilles are attending an art launch at three.
- Oh, that's fine.
We'll see you there.
- Bye.
Do you think we can make some money out of this one? You never know.
- Another glass? - It's free.
Of course.
- Five seconds.
- Got it.
It's Balloon Cat, Mr Branson, yes, and Jeff Koons is hotter than ever right now.
I think it's a steal at half a million, if you'll pardon the pun.
A painting like that would be worth ten times that at auction.
Yeah, I can talk to you later.
OK, bye.
- Excuse me, did we meet? - I don't think so.
Dana Deville, Doctor.
Danny Mullen, dealer.
Oh, you're a dealer? You got a card? My husband and I are always on the lookout for exciting new pieces.
I think I may have one.
Here, there we go.
"If you don't ask, you don't get".
- And what does that mean? - Exactly what it says.
On the face of it, some pieces may seem tricky to source.
But I say, I definitely can't help you if you don't ask.
But if you do ask, you get? I haven't failed yet.
What, ever? Nope.
What if I asked you for something that wasn't even for sale? As I said, I haven't failed yet.
- Did she bite? - I don't know.
The Koons that was stolen from Madrid last month? - The what? - The Koons, from L'Escuela.
It was an early one, worth maybe a million.
Well, I think that might just have been the man who stole it.
Then there was Jessica, my uncle's missus, she was fit as a fiddle.
Bang, massive heart attack - dead before she hit the ground.
Oh.
You know, erm, it's really nice of you to come and see me, Eddie.
I hope you don't think I'm being rude but do you think there's any way we can talk about something other than premature death from coronary heart disease? Oh.
Oh, 'course.
Sorry.
Stupid of me.
I'm sorry, Carol.
How about deaths from cancer? Same, really.
Yeah.
Go on then, what's your favourite? Hey, now you're talking.
You know when I was a little girl, it was the pink donuts, deffo, but you know when you get a bit older, it's the blue ones you like Well, this man's clearly a player in the art world.
Clearly.
OK, hand me his card.
We're going to have to meet.
And I said, "Belushi, you keep taking that crap, "it ain't gonna do you no good.
" The very next day, he was dead, and I took that as a sign.
What sort of a sign? Primarily that he was sicker than I thought.
And also that I had a gift and it was my duty to share that gift and bring wellbeing and healing and happiness to others.
And that's when you joined the CIA? Five years black ops and the extraordinary thing is that Oh, enough of you, my sweet! I think our guest is a very busy man so let's cut to the chase, shall we? All right.
Fine by me.
Mr Mullen, have you heard of a Faberge egg called the Laurentian? Hmm 19th century, it's not really my speciality.
Well, we own it, it's one of a pair.
The other's called the Lucien Egg and it's in the Tenguiz Gallery.
Now they were conceived as a pair, they were made as a pair.
And I'd imagine worth a whole lot more as a pair.
Great minds, Mr Mullen, great minds.
Except that we've approached the owner on a number of occasions to buy the egg and he refuses.
Drivels on about its aesthetic beauty, how it makes him feel alive just to hold it and we've run out of patience now.
And so, as requested, we've got four words for you, Mullens.
Four simple words that require one simple answer.
Can.
You.
Acquire.
The Sorry, five words.
Can you get us the egg? Well, if we already know that Tenguiz won't sell it to you, there really is only one way of obtaining it.
Indeed.
OK.
As I say, this isn't really my area, so I'm guessing that each egg on its own is worth maybe a quarter of a million? As a pair, maybe three quarters? The Tenguiz is a very secure gallery.
It would take organising, which is expensive.
I have a team of trusted experts I always use.
I'd want 50K, cash on delivery.
Do you know who we are, Mr Mullen? Of course, I always do my research.
Then you'll know we're successful business people, who did not get where they are by being taken for fools.
And believe me, I have serious respect for that.
But I'd need to know you trust me or this won't work at all.
Now, excuse me, I'm late for my next meeting.
We're not saying we don't trust you.
OK, how's this? I'll involve you in the planning.
But this will take some time to organise.
So, we'll have regular briefings, updates, at yours, at mine, wherever you want.
If you don't like something and you have a better idea, we'll change it.
What do you think? Weekly briefings.
You'll thank us for our input.
Then I think we have a deal.
I think we do.
You won't regret it.
I'll be in touch.
What time do you call this? I'm sorry but I got held up.
Stop with the excuses.
Three quarters of a mil? More like two.
Nearly £2 million profit! The best art theft deal in the world.
Ever! 'There are four types of fat.
'Good fat, bad fat, thin fat and fat fat.
' When setting up the convincer, Ash and I will be in weekly contact with the Devilles, but when we meet them, Freddy The Face will have fitted Ash with a smaller fat suit.
So by the time the convincer is over, he'll appear to have lost six stone in as many weeks.
'I'm Doctor Dean Deville, I'm Doctor Dean Deville, 'and I'm here to tell you about the EYS plan.
' The stakes are high.
Breaking into The Tenguiz Gallery to get the egg is a tall order.
OK, that's how you get in.
'You, too, can be part of the Eat Yourself Slender Plan.
' So, the chemical the objects are sprayed with is called Aceto-Styteline.
It reacts with the infra-red on the doors and sets the alarms off.
But if you subject Styteline to a It temporarily changes its refractive index.
SHE GASPS 'The Eat Yourself Slender Plan lets you eat the good, thin fat you like, 'whilst at the same time reducing your bad fat fat.
' See you soon.
THEY LAUGH I got to change my lens prescription.
Through the ducts is the best way to get in.
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT Er, sorry, here are the, er Ah, good.
Good.
Now, this is what we were missing.
'The Eat Yourself Slender Plan! 'Because the rest of your life starts today.
' - You sure you're ready for the break-in? - Yeah.
100%.
See you at the penthouse tomorrow, eight o'clock, sharp.
We'll supply the popcorn.
My team should be arriving at the gallery now.
They know this has to go like clockwork.
- There you go.
- Thank you.
- Champagne? - Thanks.
Please, have a seat.
Sailing bloody close to the wind, bringing them in here.
The nearer we draw them to us, the more they'll trust us.
According to Mickey.
Ah, this is Claude.
He takes care of all our security concerns.
Ah, the old "in and out" guy, huh? OK, we're in.
There they are.
Right.
OK.
Let's do it.
OK, I'm here.
OK, cameras 19 and 24 will freeze when I press enter.
But the system's on an automatic reboot every three minutes, which I can't override.
'So, you have exactly 180 seconds from when I say, OK?' And, go! Here comes the black light now.
Come on, come on.
How much longer does he have? Come on, fella, come on.
Now the moment of truth.
The black light should block the security alarm.
Wow.
Ha! It actually worked.
What did I say? Come on, Sean.
Eight, seven Six, five, four, three, two, one.
Uh! Ha! Nice one! So, give us 24 hours, let the dust settle, and we'll meet up tomorrow.
- You know, Mullen, Bill Clinton once said to me - Shut up, Dean.
- No, Bill never said that.
- Goodnight, Mr Mullen.
Goodnight! Softly, softly.
I bet you haven't seen one this big before.
I don't think I have.
And what a funny colour, innit, it's just Can I have a quick word please, sir? Yeah, sure, yeah.
You like Carol, don't you? Yeah, well, I do a bit, yeah.
Y'know.
She'll be ready to leave in a few days.
And she'll need someone.
To help her change her lifestyle, to help her lose weight and get fit again.
And I was just wondering that, if you did it together you might find that you wouldn't need all the cakes and the sweets and As you can see, it's got a time and a date on it.
So I'm hoping that'll reveal who paid for five coffees, four flapjacks and a croissant here, Thursday last.
Beautiful, isn't it? I think you and I could do a lot more business together, Mr Mullen.
I very much hope so.
We will most definitely be in touch.
Oh, and remember TOGETHER: "If you don't ask" THEY LAUGH What do you feed your staff on, Mr Mullen? I'm sorry? Buddy, you're either on a hell of a diet or you have terminal cancer.
Oh.
You're right.
He has lost some weight.
Six stone, actually.
- What did you say? - In as many weeks.
Six stone in six weeks? How? - Oh, no, that's private.
- Oh.
Don't be like that.
You wouldn't want to make little Dana cross, would you? Weight loss is our business.
It's a new diet drink.
A diet drink? Yeah.
Just one spoonful, and bingo.
What diet drink? Where did you get it, this diet drink? How come I haven't heard about this new diet drink? Tell me, or you'll be losing a couple more ounces right here.
Cos it's not for sale.
Er, cos it's still being tested.
Cos I sort of nicked it.
My missus works as a lab assistant for Spitz-Kleinman.
They're a pharmaceutical company.
We know who they are.
Yeah, and occasionally she'd bring some of her work home with her.
Anyway, she was talking about this new weight-loss product they'd been testing on rats, called, er, Reducio.
It had been a bit of a disappointment, she said, so she bought a few bottles of it home to do some more work on and It's OK, Phillips, we won't tell anyone.
Go on.
Well, I just borrowed a bottle.
I've always struggled with me weight and, well, I wanted to see if this was the one, you know, the one diet product that actually worked.
And boy, did it? Yeah, just one spoonful a day.
You know, you can still eat anything you want.
And the fat It all comes out in your pores.
You sweat it out! Yeah, you sweat all the fat out! That is genius.
And what did your wife say when she saw how much you'd lost? Well my wife didn't say anything.
She didn't say anything? You were a freak! When you stood on the scales, it just said, "To be continued".
She must have said something! No.
No, no, cos she didn't know.
You see, just before I took the bottle, she told me she was leaving me for a body-builder from Purley.
She left that night.
DANA GASPS Oh! Oh! Phillips! Excellent news! What!? That you have lost so much weight is excellent news! But let me just confirm one thing that your wife has absolutely no idea the product worked so well for you? No.
No, none at all.
No.
Do you know when Spitz-Kleinman were planning on starting human trials? Well, er, it could be a matter of months, she said.
Or even a year.
Do you, I mean to say, that is Do you think we could have an incy-wincy little look at this bottle? Maurice? Oh, I mean, I'd love to.
Dana.
HE INHALES DEEPLY But I finished the last of it two days ago, I'm afraid.
OK, no problem.
Well, why don't we pop into the kitchen and get you some lard or refined sugars or whatever it is you generally like to eat, while we have a nice little chat with Mr Mullen? Do you have any idea how much a product like that could be worth? One that actually does what we say it does? We could make billions! Literally billions! We sell it as a health supplement, "aiding weight loss", to bypass the regs.
And beat Spitz to the market! No more looking over our shoulders, no more fighting off lawsuits.
Instead, we'd be feted, we'd be honoured! The Nobel Prize for services to fat! Arise, Sir Dean and Dana! Of Deville! THEY GASP Excuse me.
Sorry to interrupt, but aren't you forgetting something? He used it all, remember? You don't actually have the drug.
What do have is a man who successfully broke into one of the most secure galleries in London.
How much harder can it be to break in to a laboratory? - And steal the formula? - Why not? HE LAUGHS Oh, no.
Equal share, the three of us.
This is big pharma, you're talking about.
Those guys are scary.
We pay you a flat fee, then.
You just help us steal it, don't get involved in any of the rest.
Sorry.
- Same as for the egg.
- Not interested.
- 100, then.
- Nope.
- OK, double.
Then you're out.
A quarter of a million, and I'll do it.
Quarter of a million it is.
But this time, he'll come along for the ride.
What?! You want Dean to take part in the break-in? Just as an observer.
I want to be absolutely certain that we're handing over a quarter of a brick for the real deal.
- Er, sweetheart, can - Be quiet, Dean.
OK! It's your money.
But as an observer, nothing more.
That's a kayaking course.
That one's rock climbing up one of them walls.
Oh, and that's a ballroom dancing course.
"The Merengue, the Salsa, the American Smooth.
" Blimey, just reading about them's making me hungry.
But that's the thing, isn't it? Nothing wrong with having a blow-out, if you're burning off the calories.
Yeah.
I know, I know, I know.
What? Why would you not even try it? Just one of 'em, surely.
- And why wouldn't you? - I dunno.
It's just What? Oh, it's, going on your own, isn't it? It's the same for me.
If I had someone to go with, I'd do it in a shot.
- Would you, really? - Like a shot.
So don't you know anyone, then, that we can ring and ask, you know, to take you? Yeah, I do know this one fella.
He's a bit of a numpty, but I just think he's painfully shy.
But I really like him and I'd love to spend some more time with him when I get out of here.
Oh.
OK, yeah.
Pass us a phone, I'll give him a bell.
Yeah, all right, there you go.
It's ringing.
Mine's ringing now.
Hello? - Hi, is this Eddie? - Yeah, speaking.
Hi, Eddie, it's Carol.
I'd like to know, when I get out, will you go ballroom dancing with me? Hello? Anybody here? Service! Cor, disgraceful behaviour, innit? Just can't get the staff these days.
So.
All we have to do, is get in to one of their labs, plant the formula inside it, and get out of the lab, so that we can get back in again to take out what we've just put in.
- Simple! - Ash, can you handle the data? I've just lost six stone, I am strong, I am empowered, I am beautiful.
- Is that a yes? - Go on, then.
Sean, we'll need some promotional stuff.
Albert, fake IDs? No problem.
Emma, we need you inside.
Now, they're looking for domestics.
Give them a call.
And I need to work out a way to get us undisturbed access to a lab for an hour or so.
The key, in jobs like this one, is to contrive a way to walk in through the front door, find the right lab, take the formula, and walk out again, calmly, without attracting attention.
Here you are.
And right now, I have a team of experts working very hard to make that plan work.
Dean.
You and I will be officers from the National lnstitute for Health and Clinical Excellence, come to do a spot-check on their clinical facilities.
Once we're inside reception, we will tell security we need to inspect two labs, that we will need for no longer than 15 minutes.
We'll also tell them we need those labs cleared.
Dean, you and I will have IDs and numbers to call for verification, though any call they make will be diverted to one of my team.
You've done this before.
HE SMIRKS All we need to do now is find out which lab Reducio is being developed in.
My IT experts are hacking their mainframe to find out so that we know which lab we want to "randomly" check.
Once we have that information, we're good to go.
- Healthy lifestyle, healthy fridge.
- Oh, Eddie.
Thank you so much.
You're such a lovely man.
Better than a kick in the teeth Sean Kennedy? Yeah? DS Rivet, Hoxton nick.
I think we need to have a little chat.
Oh, no.
What the hell's happened? They're questioning Sean about the Tenguiz break-in.
Seems he dropped something that IDs him.
- Oh, my God.
Is he going to blab? - No, of course not.
What's the problem, then? Kid'll be out in ten, still got time to make something of himself.
The problem is that the police are watching us like hawks so we're not going to go ahead with the Spitz job.
Any of us.
It's suicide.
He's right, I'm sorry, it's over.
Wait! They're not watching us.
They don't even know about us.
And? Oh, no.
You mean we do it?! The two of us? The break-in? Why not? We could wear earpieces.
Mullen could talk us through it.
What do you say, Mullen? - I say you're insane.
- Really? How hard can it be? Honey, it could Shut up! Come on, why not? We didn't learn this business overnight.
- It takes years of experience.
- You underestimate me.
You have no idea of some of the things I've done to make money.
We've never been beaten, never failed.
Well, you have now.
It's a crazy idea.
Fine.
Walk away from When we're so close.
So close! Come on, Mullen! We can make this work.
Remember how good that money felt in your hands.
OK.
OK, but we have to move fast, while they're preoccupied with Sean.
HE CLICKS HIS TEETH OK, I confess, I can't take it any longer, I did it.
But of course you did it.
We all know you did it.
Yeah, I did it.
I went to the Tenguiz gallery and I dropped a bit of litter on the floor.
I wonder if you'll find it so funny standing in the dock, facing down a ten stretch.
Testing, testing.
Cor-blimey guv'nor, it's a real pea-souper, make no mistake.
Remind me why we thought this was a good idea.
Dean, they do have American employees.
Cuppa Rosy-Lee, don't mind if I do! Ta very much! I bet Sean's more relaxed than me right now.
Maybe this time, this time, we may have gone too far.
Don't say a freakin' word or I swear I'll never do the thing with the mango again.
Mango? Jessica Amwell, Paul Banstead, National lnstitute for Clinical Excellence.
We're doing a lab spot-check in light of the Strep-C outbreak in Munich and we've selected two of your labs at random, numbers three and 14.
'To inspect, we'll need uninterrupted access for approximately 15 minutes.
'You will wish to confirm our IDs.
' You can talk to our authentication department on this number.
Thank you so much.
MOBILE RINGS Good morning, National lnstitute for Health and Clinical Excellence Authentication department.
How can I help you? 'Emma? They're clearing everyone out of the lab.
Put the files in place.
' We had a scientist up in Scotland last year who caught a new flesh-eating bug.
By the time they got to him, all that was left was one thumb and an earlobe.
True story! Not too obvious, Em.
We're good from here, thank you.
Mullen, we're in.
'OK, now what have you got? ' Three computers, I'm on the first.
Opening it up.
'OK, I can't see anything, 'I can't see anything.
' What am I looking for? Facts? Come on, come on, come on.
Are we 100% sure this is the right lab? Let me try another computer.
OK, second computer.
- Security? - Go ahead.
- There's a problem at reception.
- On my way.
Come on, come on! Hang on.
I got something here, too.
Reducio Optimum 7? 'That's it, that's it.
' It's here, too.
These guys have got no idea on branding.
It should be Fat-U-Sweat.
'Perspira-Go'.
'Or Fatooze.
' Guys, can we just download the file and get the hell out? Now? Right, what have you got? Look, this doesn't match.
Security breach.
We've got it! So near, so very, very near.
This is a very strange sensation.
I'm rooting for the mark.
It's all gone weird.
The Americans are on the third floor! (Try the back exit.
) 'Boys, the third floor.
' THEY WHOOP AND HOLLER WITH DELIGHT Come on! THEY CACKLE GLEEFULLY 'Woo! Woo! 'Go, go, go!' Your money? My money.
You moron! You didn't seriously think we were going to give you a quarter of a million G's, did you? Why not, we had a deal? I'll tell you why not.
Because we did all the hard work.
That's why not.
- I think you're being unfair.
- Really? I did a lot of preparation behind the scenes.
I did some work you didn't even see.
I don't give a rat's ass what you did behind the scenes.
We have the formula it's being made up right now and we don't need you any more! Boo-hoo-hoo! Seriously, what sort of idiots do you think we are? The sort who thought I was attaching a microphone to that brooch when actually it was a camera.
A camera that filmed you and your husband breaking in to Spitz-Kleinman.
Cup of Rosy-Lee, don't mind if I do, ta very much! The footage of which I've put on a DVD and have given to my assistant who is at this moment outside Scotland Yard waiting for my phone call.
Those sorts of idiots.
I almost feel bad.
Yeah, cos they think that's the worst thing that's going to happen to them today.
You know, it almost seems unfair.
Almost! THEY LAUGH Are you sure this is the right formula? I stole it myself, so I think I know what I'm doing.
Now shut up and give me the bottle! - I want to sweat some fat.
- Yeah, me, too! Huh! You're definitely sweating.
Oh, my Yeah, that's what I thought.
Cos that formula's just an emetic.
HE STIFLES VOMITING A very powerful one, granted.
HE RETCHES VIOLENTLY But an emetic just the same.
SHE PANTS We just gave him 250 grand for something that makes you sick?! Well, at least we still have the egg, honey.
HOARSELY: 50 grand for an egg that's now worth 20 times that.
He may think he had us, he may think he was smart, but we're still way up on the deal! Who's the idiot now, Mullen? Who's laughing now! HE RETCHES Excuse me? Is that meant to be in there? It's believed the egg might have been accidentally moved by a cleaner or even a practical joker, but however it happened, Lord Tenguiz declared he was delighted to have his egg back.
As you can see, the egg is now Mmm.
I'm no legal expert, but I'd imagine it's quite difficult to charge someone for stealing something that hasn't been stolen.
Wouldn't you say? 'The egg is now back in its rightful place, and what a piece of art it is.
'It was created ' But, but, no! He stole it! He said, if you used the black light If you subject Styteline to a it temporarily changes the refractive index.
And if you believe that load of old cobblers, you'll believe anything.
We saw him leave the room with it.
We saw him leave the room with it! No! We do the cons! We're the ones who do the conning! This really has to be your best work.
The best.
We're the ones who do the goddamn conning! So they had to do the robbery themselves, or they could have gone to the police.
Or come after us.
But now, they can't do either.
Yeah, but how would you know for sure they would offer to do it? Well, their arrogance, their greed, their need? All we had to do was convince them none of us could do the job.
So you dropped the receipt deliberately.
Unbelievable! How you lot pull it off, I've no idea.
Oh! Says the man who pulled off the greatest con of the 21st century.
It's quite remarkable, Eddie.
You managed to convince Carol you're an attractive man! Oi! We think he's a bit of all right, don't we Carol? I won't hear a word against him.
Mwah! OTHERS: Oooh! All right, how about a toast, how about a toast? To Eddie, to Carol, to all of us and our good health.
ALL: Our good health! Hang on.
Crudites, anyone? Low-fat dip? He's a friend of chairman Mao, isn't he? Ooh! Hey, Chinese now you're talking.
Who's got a menu? Cheers, all.
Cheers! GLASSES CLINK
This one taste like monkey sweat.
Please! What?! You lecture me in manners? You, dressed like prostitute! Eh! It's six o'clock in the morning.
I want my breakfast.
Can we just get on with the game, please? Come on, then, little boy, make your bloody move.
Yeah, all right.
I'll call you five grand.
Let's see what you got.
Hang on a minute.
I've been looking at you all night.
I'm flattered.
You're not really my type, love.
Trying to work out why I knew your face, and it's just come to me.
Oh, yeah? I think you're Kennedy.
The card counter.
I think you're Sean Kennedy.
Security! ALARM Argh! Kensington.
Stop! When will you be free? I need to cash these chips.
I can't exactly go back in the casino.
Well, well, well, what have we here! I'll call you back.
Five bloody grand you took off me.
I want my money, you cheating pig, or I call the police! Look, ok, ok, ok.
Look, mate, that's only fair, all right? Five grand, yeah? There you go.
Sorry about that.
You want to cash the chips? I'll do it.
I'll give you cash for them, right now.
- How much? - How much you got in there? About 40K's worth.
I'll give you ten.
LAUGHS You're having a laugh, mate! - 15.
- No chance You make a bit, I make a bit.
What's not to like? What's not to like? I'd like to cash these, please.
- Is this a joke? - What? I'm not cashing these.
What do you mean you're not cashing them? Why? Well why d'you think? They're fake.
Obviously they're fake.
I think you're Kennedy.
The card counter.
I think you're Sean Kennedy.
Security! Kensington.
You make a bit, I make a bit.
What's not to like? What's not to like? Argh! Listen, cheers, Caz.
You played an absolute blinder as usual.
Thanks, babe.
Really sweet of you, that.
Sure we can't give you a lift anywhere? No thanks, Ash.
Not feeling too clever, to be honest.
I could do with a bit of a walk and some fresh Whoa Ooh! Ambulance.
You're going to be fine, love.
Tough as old boots, you are.
Less of the "old".
Yeah, well, you know what I mean.
I don't want to die, Ash.
Hey, hey, hey, hey! No-one's doing any dying.
Besides, there's a queue.
And Albert's first.
Charming! You're going to be fine, yeah? I'll come back with a bunch of grapes.
Are you next of kin? Well, as good as.
There's no-one else.
Your friend's had a very serious heart attack and she'll be in for quite a while.
Now, she's going to need some stuff from home.
Is there any way you'll be able to sort that out? Yeah, yeah, yeah, consider it done.
Heart attack? All right, thanks for letting me know, Sandra.
Yeah, I know it couldn't have been an easy call.
Right, thanks again.
Bye-bye.
Poor old girl.
I'll have a whiskey, Eddie, large one.
I know how you feel, mate.
I might join you there.
Very upsetting news.
- You already heard? - Yeah, Ash phoned me.
Well, I suppose it wasn't a surprise to anyone.
She just went down like a sack of potatoes.
It's awful.
In the end, they had no option but to put her down.
They shot Carol? No! El Matador, at 10.
30 at Chepstow.
I'm talking about Carol.
Oh! Carol is recovering in the hospital.
And unless the NHS is in more trouble than I thought, I don't believe they're planning on murdering her.
Right.
Good, cos yeah, she's er she's a she's a lovely lady, Carol.
Remember the Downing Street switch? - What, that was Carol? - Uh-huh.
Yeah.
- And the London Eye float.
- Yeah? The bearer bond scam of 2000.
All hers.
She evenshe even took Mad Frankie Fraser for ten quid when she was five years old.
(No!) Yeah, in her day Carol was one of the best.
So there's no fella on the scene, then? Not if this is anything to go by.
Whoa! Now that is what I call comfort food.
No wonder she's not well.
What the hell "Eat Yourself Slender"? Now, this I've got to see.
'Hey, I'm Dr Dean Deville, 'and I'm here today to tell you about the EYS plan 'the diet plan that has taken the slimming world by storm.
'Eat Yourself Slender is the diet plan that allows you 'to live the lifestyle you deserve 'while simultaneously helping you to lose weight.
'How's that possible? 'Simple! By understanding how metabolism really works.
'For the last five years, I have worked with a team of top nutritionists across the globe, 'and what I've learned has turned the science of weight loss on its head.
'Now it's time to share that with you in the UK.
'There are four types of fat.
'Good fat, bad fat, thin fat and fat fat.
'The Eat Yourself Slender plan allows you to eat all the good thin fat you like, 'whilst at the same time reducing your bad fat fat.
'This is Ray.
'Look at him before.
'And look at him now! 'He has lost 22 stone by eating what he wants to eat 'on the Eat Yourself Slender plan.
'Gail used to be repulsive 'but six months on the Eat Yourself Slender plan 'and Gail's got the figure she always wanted.
'So, don't delay.
'For only £99.
99 a month, you too can be part 'of the Eat Yourself Slender plan.
'Be the person you always wanted to be.
'The Eat Yourself Slender plan.
'Because the rest of your life starts today.
' Carol had been on the diet for six months.
She was nine and a half stone when she started, hospital this morning.
And if you read these, you can see why.
It is a recipe for heart disease, high blood pressure, raised cholesterol.
It'd be funny if it wasn't so dangerous.
Meanwhile, Dr Dean Deville and his wife and business partner Dana have gained quite a few pounds over the last few years.
Yeah, over ten million of them, according to Companies House.
Please tell me we think they can afford to shed a few.
They sold Carol a diet plan that nearly killed her.
I think we should take them for everything we can.
Yeah, definitely.
Oh, yes.
OK.
Good.
So, who are they? Albert history.
Where did they come from and why did they leave America? Emma, check out their business interests and anything else they may be involved in.
Mm-hm.
Sean, check out the science.
Their labs and qualifications.
I'll do hobbies and personal interests.
Ash, the legal implications.
How the hell do they manage to keep selling a product that is clearly so dangerous.
Right? Let's do this.
'I'm Dr Dean Deville Dr Dean Deville 'I'm Dr Dean Deville, and I'm here today to tell you about the EYS plan.
' Dean and Dana Deville.
Oh, these guys are pros.
They've been doing what they've been doing in one form or another over the years.
They always manage to stay just one step ahead of the law.
'With Pro-Butrimol-F and active vita-beta-retinal 5 action, 'this is probably the best vitamin in the world ever, ever.
' In 2005, they moved onto the internet and became the king and queen of the infomercial.
'Just £9.
99 is all it'll cost to end the pain of arthritis forever, forever.
'And say goodbye to swine flu misery with Pig-U-Go.
' There's no evidence to suggest any products they sell have had scientific testing.
And as far as qualifications are concerned, well, they're from a mail order place in Tupelo.
Dr Pepper is more qualified than these two.
They circumvent any legal issues arising from this by selling them as health supplements and like Albert said, always just getting away with it.
Last year, they made profits of over £2 million getting away with it.
Most of this, it's invested in art purchases which they store in safety deposits, to sell for profit at a later date.
It looks like they have an interest in art, but it's done purely for financial gain.
So I think it's pretty clear that the accumulation of money is their main hobby, but what's their weakness? - Arrogance.
They think they're untouchable.
- Yes.
But the UK's much more strictly regulated than the States it must be getting harder for them to stay one step ahead of the authorities.
So, I mean if you were them, wouldn't you be looking for a way out now? A way to find the big one, the ultimate, that one last legitimate product that would allow you to retire? - So that's what we offer them? - Yes.
And we use their arrogance, this feeling they can do anything, to blind them to what we're doing.
So what's the actual con? We are going to sell them a genuine wonder product that will make them billions.
Which is? MOCK AMERICAN ACCENT: Which is the best diet drug in the world ever! All right, so what's the convincer? Yes, these people are scammers themselves.
And pretty good ones.
They'll spot an ordinary convincer a mile off.
So in order to outsmart them, we'll have to be very clever.
Who's heard of the Montagne scam? The guy that stole the Venus de Milo.
Yeah, and more importantly, sold it again.
So, our convincer, we are going to sell the Devilles this.
The Lucien egg, one of a pair of Faberge eggs, and this one is currently residing at the Tenguiz Gallery.
- Who owns the other one? - The Devilles do.
The eggs together are worth much more than the sum of their parts, so unsurprisingly, the Devilles have made repeated attempts to buy the Lucien egg, but Josh Tenguiz simply isn't interested.
They also tried to sell him their egg at a grossly inflated amount - but still, no deal.
- So? A few years ago, the Devilles were interviewed by police in connection to the purchase and profitable sale of some stolen artwork.
They claimed they did it in good faith and there were no charges.
I think the jury's still out on that one but I think it's safe to say these people would stop at nothing to snaffle up a bargain.
So Emma, Sean, I want you to check out security at the Tenguiz Gallery.
Ash, we'll go and see an old friend of mine.
Albert, Dali Macmanus.
Wherever he is, whoever he is these days, I need you to find him.
And one last thing We can't rush this.
To draw these people in successfully, we need time, so be patient and remember that revenge is a dish best served cold.
Freddy the Face, long time no see.
Hello? No, I can't talk right now.
No, I'm going into the gallery.
No, I should be quick.
OK, hold on Cheers, darling.
- Well, I'm done, you ready? - Yeah, let's do it.
Oh, my goodness.
Excuse me, somebody! This is something bad here! There's something bad here in this bag.
Evacuate the gallery as quickly as possible! Come on! ALARM RINGS If we're thinking of trying to steal this egg, we're in trouble.
Why? Because everyone of the exhibits in this gallery is coated with an invisible chemical.
A chemical which reacts to an infra red light if taken through any of the 56 internal doors and sets off the alarms.
- Basically, we're buggered.
- We're buggered.
Excellent.
DOOR BUZZER GOES That'll be the pizza.
Could you get that please, Sean? Yeah, don't worry about it, I'll get it.
Just push the door mate.
Oh, my gawd, I'm gonna have a bleedin' 'eart attack! What's the matter, lift broken? Nah, it's not the lifts mate, no, I'm just a fat git.
Glutton dressed as glam.
What d'you think? Oh, my God! So over the whole time we set up the convincer, me and Mickey will be in weekly contact with the Devilles.
But each time we meet, Freddy the Face will have fitted me with a smaller fat suit.
So by the time the convincer's over, I'll appear to have lost six stone in as many weeks and they will want to know how.
- What? - It's scary how well you carry it off.
Yeah.
Sure you don't want a bit of salad now? PHONE RINGS - Hey, Em.
- The Devilles are attending an art launch at three.
- Oh, that's fine.
We'll see you there.
- Bye.
Do you think we can make some money out of this one? You never know.
- Another glass? - It's free.
Of course.
- Five seconds.
- Got it.
It's Balloon Cat, Mr Branson, yes, and Jeff Koons is hotter than ever right now.
I think it's a steal at half a million, if you'll pardon the pun.
A painting like that would be worth ten times that at auction.
Yeah, I can talk to you later.
OK, bye.
- Excuse me, did we meet? - I don't think so.
Dana Deville, Doctor.
Danny Mullen, dealer.
Oh, you're a dealer? You got a card? My husband and I are always on the lookout for exciting new pieces.
I think I may have one.
Here, there we go.
"If you don't ask, you don't get".
- And what does that mean? - Exactly what it says.
On the face of it, some pieces may seem tricky to source.
But I say, I definitely can't help you if you don't ask.
But if you do ask, you get? I haven't failed yet.
What, ever? Nope.
What if I asked you for something that wasn't even for sale? As I said, I haven't failed yet.
- Did she bite? - I don't know.
The Koons that was stolen from Madrid last month? - The what? - The Koons, from L'Escuela.
It was an early one, worth maybe a million.
Well, I think that might just have been the man who stole it.
Then there was Jessica, my uncle's missus, she was fit as a fiddle.
Bang, massive heart attack - dead before she hit the ground.
Oh.
You know, erm, it's really nice of you to come and see me, Eddie.
I hope you don't think I'm being rude but do you think there's any way we can talk about something other than premature death from coronary heart disease? Oh.
Oh, 'course.
Sorry.
Stupid of me.
I'm sorry, Carol.
How about deaths from cancer? Same, really.
Yeah.
Go on then, what's your favourite? Hey, now you're talking.
You know when I was a little girl, it was the pink donuts, deffo, but you know when you get a bit older, it's the blue ones you like Well, this man's clearly a player in the art world.
Clearly.
OK, hand me his card.
We're going to have to meet.
And I said, "Belushi, you keep taking that crap, "it ain't gonna do you no good.
" The very next day, he was dead, and I took that as a sign.
What sort of a sign? Primarily that he was sicker than I thought.
And also that I had a gift and it was my duty to share that gift and bring wellbeing and healing and happiness to others.
And that's when you joined the CIA? Five years black ops and the extraordinary thing is that Oh, enough of you, my sweet! I think our guest is a very busy man so let's cut to the chase, shall we? All right.
Fine by me.
Mr Mullen, have you heard of a Faberge egg called the Laurentian? Hmm 19th century, it's not really my speciality.
Well, we own it, it's one of a pair.
The other's called the Lucien Egg and it's in the Tenguiz Gallery.
Now they were conceived as a pair, they were made as a pair.
And I'd imagine worth a whole lot more as a pair.
Great minds, Mr Mullen, great minds.
Except that we've approached the owner on a number of occasions to buy the egg and he refuses.
Drivels on about its aesthetic beauty, how it makes him feel alive just to hold it and we've run out of patience now.
And so, as requested, we've got four words for you, Mullens.
Four simple words that require one simple answer.
Can.
You.
Acquire.
The Sorry, five words.
Can you get us the egg? Well, if we already know that Tenguiz won't sell it to you, there really is only one way of obtaining it.
Indeed.
OK.
As I say, this isn't really my area, so I'm guessing that each egg on its own is worth maybe a quarter of a million? As a pair, maybe three quarters? The Tenguiz is a very secure gallery.
It would take organising, which is expensive.
I have a team of trusted experts I always use.
I'd want 50K, cash on delivery.
Do you know who we are, Mr Mullen? Of course, I always do my research.
Then you'll know we're successful business people, who did not get where they are by being taken for fools.
And believe me, I have serious respect for that.
But I'd need to know you trust me or this won't work at all.
Now, excuse me, I'm late for my next meeting.
We're not saying we don't trust you.
OK, how's this? I'll involve you in the planning.
But this will take some time to organise.
So, we'll have regular briefings, updates, at yours, at mine, wherever you want.
If you don't like something and you have a better idea, we'll change it.
What do you think? Weekly briefings.
You'll thank us for our input.
Then I think we have a deal.
I think we do.
You won't regret it.
I'll be in touch.
What time do you call this? I'm sorry but I got held up.
Stop with the excuses.
Three quarters of a mil? More like two.
Nearly £2 million profit! The best art theft deal in the world.
Ever! 'There are four types of fat.
'Good fat, bad fat, thin fat and fat fat.
' When setting up the convincer, Ash and I will be in weekly contact with the Devilles, but when we meet them, Freddy The Face will have fitted Ash with a smaller fat suit.
So by the time the convincer is over, he'll appear to have lost six stone in as many weeks.
'I'm Doctor Dean Deville, I'm Doctor Dean Deville, 'and I'm here to tell you about the EYS plan.
' The stakes are high.
Breaking into The Tenguiz Gallery to get the egg is a tall order.
OK, that's how you get in.
'You, too, can be part of the Eat Yourself Slender Plan.
' So, the chemical the objects are sprayed with is called Aceto-Styteline.
It reacts with the infra-red on the doors and sets the alarms off.
But if you subject Styteline to a It temporarily changes its refractive index.
SHE GASPS 'The Eat Yourself Slender Plan lets you eat the good, thin fat you like, 'whilst at the same time reducing your bad fat fat.
' See you soon.
THEY LAUGH I got to change my lens prescription.
Through the ducts is the best way to get in.
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT Er, sorry, here are the, er Ah, good.
Good.
Now, this is what we were missing.
'The Eat Yourself Slender Plan! 'Because the rest of your life starts today.
' - You sure you're ready for the break-in? - Yeah.
100%.
See you at the penthouse tomorrow, eight o'clock, sharp.
We'll supply the popcorn.
My team should be arriving at the gallery now.
They know this has to go like clockwork.
- There you go.
- Thank you.
- Champagne? - Thanks.
Please, have a seat.
Sailing bloody close to the wind, bringing them in here.
The nearer we draw them to us, the more they'll trust us.
According to Mickey.
Ah, this is Claude.
He takes care of all our security concerns.
Ah, the old "in and out" guy, huh? OK, we're in.
There they are.
Right.
OK.
Let's do it.
OK, I'm here.
OK, cameras 19 and 24 will freeze when I press enter.
But the system's on an automatic reboot every three minutes, which I can't override.
'So, you have exactly 180 seconds from when I say, OK?' And, go! Here comes the black light now.
Come on, come on.
How much longer does he have? Come on, fella, come on.
Now the moment of truth.
The black light should block the security alarm.
Wow.
Ha! It actually worked.
What did I say? Come on, Sean.
Eight, seven Six, five, four, three, two, one.
Uh! Ha! Nice one! So, give us 24 hours, let the dust settle, and we'll meet up tomorrow.
- You know, Mullen, Bill Clinton once said to me - Shut up, Dean.
- No, Bill never said that.
- Goodnight, Mr Mullen.
Goodnight! Softly, softly.
I bet you haven't seen one this big before.
I don't think I have.
And what a funny colour, innit, it's just Can I have a quick word please, sir? Yeah, sure, yeah.
You like Carol, don't you? Yeah, well, I do a bit, yeah.
Y'know.
She'll be ready to leave in a few days.
And she'll need someone.
To help her change her lifestyle, to help her lose weight and get fit again.
And I was just wondering that, if you did it together you might find that you wouldn't need all the cakes and the sweets and As you can see, it's got a time and a date on it.
So I'm hoping that'll reveal who paid for five coffees, four flapjacks and a croissant here, Thursday last.
Beautiful, isn't it? I think you and I could do a lot more business together, Mr Mullen.
I very much hope so.
We will most definitely be in touch.
Oh, and remember TOGETHER: "If you don't ask" THEY LAUGH What do you feed your staff on, Mr Mullen? I'm sorry? Buddy, you're either on a hell of a diet or you have terminal cancer.
Oh.
You're right.
He has lost some weight.
Six stone, actually.
- What did you say? - In as many weeks.
Six stone in six weeks? How? - Oh, no, that's private.
- Oh.
Don't be like that.
You wouldn't want to make little Dana cross, would you? Weight loss is our business.
It's a new diet drink.
A diet drink? Yeah.
Just one spoonful, and bingo.
What diet drink? Where did you get it, this diet drink? How come I haven't heard about this new diet drink? Tell me, or you'll be losing a couple more ounces right here.
Cos it's not for sale.
Er, cos it's still being tested.
Cos I sort of nicked it.
My missus works as a lab assistant for Spitz-Kleinman.
They're a pharmaceutical company.
We know who they are.
Yeah, and occasionally she'd bring some of her work home with her.
Anyway, she was talking about this new weight-loss product they'd been testing on rats, called, er, Reducio.
It had been a bit of a disappointment, she said, so she bought a few bottles of it home to do some more work on and It's OK, Phillips, we won't tell anyone.
Go on.
Well, I just borrowed a bottle.
I've always struggled with me weight and, well, I wanted to see if this was the one, you know, the one diet product that actually worked.
And boy, did it? Yeah, just one spoonful a day.
You know, you can still eat anything you want.
And the fat It all comes out in your pores.
You sweat it out! Yeah, you sweat all the fat out! That is genius.
And what did your wife say when she saw how much you'd lost? Well my wife didn't say anything.
She didn't say anything? You were a freak! When you stood on the scales, it just said, "To be continued".
She must have said something! No.
No, no, cos she didn't know.
You see, just before I took the bottle, she told me she was leaving me for a body-builder from Purley.
She left that night.
DANA GASPS Oh! Oh! Phillips! Excellent news! What!? That you have lost so much weight is excellent news! But let me just confirm one thing that your wife has absolutely no idea the product worked so well for you? No.
No, none at all.
No.
Do you know when Spitz-Kleinman were planning on starting human trials? Well, er, it could be a matter of months, she said.
Or even a year.
Do you, I mean to say, that is Do you think we could have an incy-wincy little look at this bottle? Maurice? Oh, I mean, I'd love to.
Dana.
HE INHALES DEEPLY But I finished the last of it two days ago, I'm afraid.
OK, no problem.
Well, why don't we pop into the kitchen and get you some lard or refined sugars or whatever it is you generally like to eat, while we have a nice little chat with Mr Mullen? Do you have any idea how much a product like that could be worth? One that actually does what we say it does? We could make billions! Literally billions! We sell it as a health supplement, "aiding weight loss", to bypass the regs.
And beat Spitz to the market! No more looking over our shoulders, no more fighting off lawsuits.
Instead, we'd be feted, we'd be honoured! The Nobel Prize for services to fat! Arise, Sir Dean and Dana! Of Deville! THEY GASP Excuse me.
Sorry to interrupt, but aren't you forgetting something? He used it all, remember? You don't actually have the drug.
What do have is a man who successfully broke into one of the most secure galleries in London.
How much harder can it be to break in to a laboratory? - And steal the formula? - Why not? HE LAUGHS Oh, no.
Equal share, the three of us.
This is big pharma, you're talking about.
Those guys are scary.
We pay you a flat fee, then.
You just help us steal it, don't get involved in any of the rest.
Sorry.
- Same as for the egg.
- Not interested.
- 100, then.
- Nope.
- OK, double.
Then you're out.
A quarter of a million, and I'll do it.
Quarter of a million it is.
But this time, he'll come along for the ride.
What?! You want Dean to take part in the break-in? Just as an observer.
I want to be absolutely certain that we're handing over a quarter of a brick for the real deal.
- Er, sweetheart, can - Be quiet, Dean.
OK! It's your money.
But as an observer, nothing more.
That's a kayaking course.
That one's rock climbing up one of them walls.
Oh, and that's a ballroom dancing course.
"The Merengue, the Salsa, the American Smooth.
" Blimey, just reading about them's making me hungry.
But that's the thing, isn't it? Nothing wrong with having a blow-out, if you're burning off the calories.
Yeah.
I know, I know, I know.
What? Why would you not even try it? Just one of 'em, surely.
- And why wouldn't you? - I dunno.
It's just What? Oh, it's, going on your own, isn't it? It's the same for me.
If I had someone to go with, I'd do it in a shot.
- Would you, really? - Like a shot.
So don't you know anyone, then, that we can ring and ask, you know, to take you? Yeah, I do know this one fella.
He's a bit of a numpty, but I just think he's painfully shy.
But I really like him and I'd love to spend some more time with him when I get out of here.
Oh.
OK, yeah.
Pass us a phone, I'll give him a bell.
Yeah, all right, there you go.
It's ringing.
Mine's ringing now.
Hello? - Hi, is this Eddie? - Yeah, speaking.
Hi, Eddie, it's Carol.
I'd like to know, when I get out, will you go ballroom dancing with me? Hello? Anybody here? Service! Cor, disgraceful behaviour, innit? Just can't get the staff these days.
So.
All we have to do, is get in to one of their labs, plant the formula inside it, and get out of the lab, so that we can get back in again to take out what we've just put in.
- Simple! - Ash, can you handle the data? I've just lost six stone, I am strong, I am empowered, I am beautiful.
- Is that a yes? - Go on, then.
Sean, we'll need some promotional stuff.
Albert, fake IDs? No problem.
Emma, we need you inside.
Now, they're looking for domestics.
Give them a call.
And I need to work out a way to get us undisturbed access to a lab for an hour or so.
The key, in jobs like this one, is to contrive a way to walk in through the front door, find the right lab, take the formula, and walk out again, calmly, without attracting attention.
Here you are.
And right now, I have a team of experts working very hard to make that plan work.
Dean.
You and I will be officers from the National lnstitute for Health and Clinical Excellence, come to do a spot-check on their clinical facilities.
Once we're inside reception, we will tell security we need to inspect two labs, that we will need for no longer than 15 minutes.
We'll also tell them we need those labs cleared.
Dean, you and I will have IDs and numbers to call for verification, though any call they make will be diverted to one of my team.
You've done this before.
HE SMIRKS All we need to do now is find out which lab Reducio is being developed in.
My IT experts are hacking their mainframe to find out so that we know which lab we want to "randomly" check.
Once we have that information, we're good to go.
- Healthy lifestyle, healthy fridge.
- Oh, Eddie.
Thank you so much.
You're such a lovely man.
Better than a kick in the teeth Sean Kennedy? Yeah? DS Rivet, Hoxton nick.
I think we need to have a little chat.
Oh, no.
What the hell's happened? They're questioning Sean about the Tenguiz break-in.
Seems he dropped something that IDs him.
- Oh, my God.
Is he going to blab? - No, of course not.
What's the problem, then? Kid'll be out in ten, still got time to make something of himself.
The problem is that the police are watching us like hawks so we're not going to go ahead with the Spitz job.
Any of us.
It's suicide.
He's right, I'm sorry, it's over.
Wait! They're not watching us.
They don't even know about us.
And? Oh, no.
You mean we do it?! The two of us? The break-in? Why not? We could wear earpieces.
Mullen could talk us through it.
What do you say, Mullen? - I say you're insane.
- Really? How hard can it be? Honey, it could Shut up! Come on, why not? We didn't learn this business overnight.
- It takes years of experience.
- You underestimate me.
You have no idea of some of the things I've done to make money.
We've never been beaten, never failed.
Well, you have now.
It's a crazy idea.
Fine.
Walk away from When we're so close.
So close! Come on, Mullen! We can make this work.
Remember how good that money felt in your hands.
OK.
OK, but we have to move fast, while they're preoccupied with Sean.
HE CLICKS HIS TEETH OK, I confess, I can't take it any longer, I did it.
But of course you did it.
We all know you did it.
Yeah, I did it.
I went to the Tenguiz gallery and I dropped a bit of litter on the floor.
I wonder if you'll find it so funny standing in the dock, facing down a ten stretch.
Testing, testing.
Cor-blimey guv'nor, it's a real pea-souper, make no mistake.
Remind me why we thought this was a good idea.
Dean, they do have American employees.
Cuppa Rosy-Lee, don't mind if I do! Ta very much! I bet Sean's more relaxed than me right now.
Maybe this time, this time, we may have gone too far.
Don't say a freakin' word or I swear I'll never do the thing with the mango again.
Mango? Jessica Amwell, Paul Banstead, National lnstitute for Clinical Excellence.
We're doing a lab spot-check in light of the Strep-C outbreak in Munich and we've selected two of your labs at random, numbers three and 14.
'To inspect, we'll need uninterrupted access for approximately 15 minutes.
'You will wish to confirm our IDs.
' You can talk to our authentication department on this number.
Thank you so much.
MOBILE RINGS Good morning, National lnstitute for Health and Clinical Excellence Authentication department.
How can I help you? 'Emma? They're clearing everyone out of the lab.
Put the files in place.
' We had a scientist up in Scotland last year who caught a new flesh-eating bug.
By the time they got to him, all that was left was one thumb and an earlobe.
True story! Not too obvious, Em.
We're good from here, thank you.
Mullen, we're in.
'OK, now what have you got? ' Three computers, I'm on the first.
Opening it up.
'OK, I can't see anything, 'I can't see anything.
' What am I looking for? Facts? Come on, come on, come on.
Are we 100% sure this is the right lab? Let me try another computer.
OK, second computer.
- Security? - Go ahead.
- There's a problem at reception.
- On my way.
Come on, come on! Hang on.
I got something here, too.
Reducio Optimum 7? 'That's it, that's it.
' It's here, too.
These guys have got no idea on branding.
It should be Fat-U-Sweat.
'Perspira-Go'.
'Or Fatooze.
' Guys, can we just download the file and get the hell out? Now? Right, what have you got? Look, this doesn't match.
Security breach.
We've got it! So near, so very, very near.
This is a very strange sensation.
I'm rooting for the mark.
It's all gone weird.
The Americans are on the third floor! (Try the back exit.
) 'Boys, the third floor.
' THEY WHOOP AND HOLLER WITH DELIGHT Come on! THEY CACKLE GLEEFULLY 'Woo! Woo! 'Go, go, go!' Your money? My money.
You moron! You didn't seriously think we were going to give you a quarter of a million G's, did you? Why not, we had a deal? I'll tell you why not.
Because we did all the hard work.
That's why not.
- I think you're being unfair.
- Really? I did a lot of preparation behind the scenes.
I did some work you didn't even see.
I don't give a rat's ass what you did behind the scenes.
We have the formula it's being made up right now and we don't need you any more! Boo-hoo-hoo! Seriously, what sort of idiots do you think we are? The sort who thought I was attaching a microphone to that brooch when actually it was a camera.
A camera that filmed you and your husband breaking in to Spitz-Kleinman.
Cup of Rosy-Lee, don't mind if I do, ta very much! The footage of which I've put on a DVD and have given to my assistant who is at this moment outside Scotland Yard waiting for my phone call.
Those sorts of idiots.
I almost feel bad.
Yeah, cos they think that's the worst thing that's going to happen to them today.
You know, it almost seems unfair.
Almost! THEY LAUGH Are you sure this is the right formula? I stole it myself, so I think I know what I'm doing.
Now shut up and give me the bottle! - I want to sweat some fat.
- Yeah, me, too! Huh! You're definitely sweating.
Oh, my Yeah, that's what I thought.
Cos that formula's just an emetic.
HE STIFLES VOMITING A very powerful one, granted.
HE RETCHES VIOLENTLY But an emetic just the same.
SHE PANTS We just gave him 250 grand for something that makes you sick?! Well, at least we still have the egg, honey.
HOARSELY: 50 grand for an egg that's now worth 20 times that.
He may think he had us, he may think he was smart, but we're still way up on the deal! Who's the idiot now, Mullen? Who's laughing now! HE RETCHES Excuse me? Is that meant to be in there? It's believed the egg might have been accidentally moved by a cleaner or even a practical joker, but however it happened, Lord Tenguiz declared he was delighted to have his egg back.
As you can see, the egg is now Mmm.
I'm no legal expert, but I'd imagine it's quite difficult to charge someone for stealing something that hasn't been stolen.
Wouldn't you say? 'The egg is now back in its rightful place, and what a piece of art it is.
'It was created ' But, but, no! He stole it! He said, if you used the black light If you subject Styteline to a it temporarily changes the refractive index.
And if you believe that load of old cobblers, you'll believe anything.
We saw him leave the room with it.
We saw him leave the room with it! No! We do the cons! We're the ones who do the conning! This really has to be your best work.
The best.
We're the ones who do the goddamn conning! So they had to do the robbery themselves, or they could have gone to the police.
Or come after us.
But now, they can't do either.
Yeah, but how would you know for sure they would offer to do it? Well, their arrogance, their greed, their need? All we had to do was convince them none of us could do the job.
So you dropped the receipt deliberately.
Unbelievable! How you lot pull it off, I've no idea.
Oh! Says the man who pulled off the greatest con of the 21st century.
It's quite remarkable, Eddie.
You managed to convince Carol you're an attractive man! Oi! We think he's a bit of all right, don't we Carol? I won't hear a word against him.
Mwah! OTHERS: Oooh! All right, how about a toast, how about a toast? To Eddie, to Carol, to all of us and our good health.
ALL: Our good health! Hang on.
Crudites, anyone? Low-fat dip? He's a friend of chairman Mao, isn't he? Ooh! Hey, Chinese now you're talking.
Who's got a menu? Cheers, all.
Cheers! GLASSES CLINK