I Didn't Do It (2014) s01e13 Episode Script
Earth Boys Are Icky
This is too weird.
Is there a chance Delia's right about aliens? He's coming for me.
My alien boyfriend.
And he's not alone.
He either has three heads or two friends.
Either way, I'm good.
Or he's coming for you.
Louder! Nobody can hear you scream in space.
So you want to go to that party at Dean's house this weekend? I know you think Dean's a little sketch, but everyone's talking about it.
Everyone except his parents.
I don't even think they know about it.
Knowing Dean, they're probably tied up in his basement.
So that's good.
There'll be parental supervision.
I'll think about it.
Fine, but I'm only going if you go.
Guys, guys, I had an epiphany.
I know why I don't have a boyfriend.
Finally.
I'll get you a decent haircut, take you shopping and teach you how to put on makeup.
Jasmine! What is wrong with you? We'll both do it.
I don't need a makeover.
Yeah, Jasmine! I don't want to sound elitist or full of myself, but I'm too good for the guys on this planet.
So I've decided to startlooking in outer space.
Oh sweetie, you don't sound elitist.
You sound like you've lost your mind.
I'm serious.
I'm looking for an extraterrestrial romance.
And this is where I walk away.
Fine.
But you'll wish you'd been nicer to me when my hot alien boyfriend conquers the planet and turns everyone into a human-flavored cookies.
Hey, it's really coming down out there.
After school, want to go build snow-girlfriends? Logan, please, we're not nine.
Besides, I've got a play date at rumblejuice with my big buddy.
Hey, Logan.
Oh, uh, Danica, right? - Can I tell you something? - Yeah.
My friend thinks you're really cute and wants to go out with you.
Okay, it's me.
Mi yong, the foreign exchange student? No.
Me.
Danica.
I thought so.
You know, I was just covering my bases in case it was actually mi and not you.
No, not me, mi.
But this is cool.
So how about tonight, you and I get leave me alone, weirdo! So you were saying about tonight.
What just happened? I mean, girls usually confuse me, but you are unusually confusing.
Sorry about that.
I really like you, but technically I'm not allowed to date.
So if it's okay with you, nobody can know about us.
Wait.
I can know about us, right? Yes, of course.
Back off! Your face makes me vomit! I feel happy, but I also feel pain.
This must be what love feels like.
So the bag says "serving size, 12 crackers.
" But when I open the bag, what do I see? Eleven crackers.
So I dial the 800 number and they promised to send me a coupon for a new bag.
But by then the whole picnic was ruined.
Ruined.
I know, Garrett.
I've heard this story before.
And I was there.
Listen, how long have I been your big buddy? Well, let's see.
I signed up for the school buddy program in first grade, so 10 amazing years together.
Wow, feels more like 10 minutes, huh? Yeah.
Underwater.
What? Nothing.
So what's cooking in today's skillet o' fun? Badminton? Mini golf? A Taffy tug-of-war? Haven't done one of those in a while.
Garrett, I'm 26 now.
I have a wife and an actual child.
I missed his first step last month because I was in the park teaching you how to fly a kite.
Oh! That was a great day.
Remember that shaved ice? And then I dropped it and then you got me another one and then I dropped that one.
Listen, this is going to be a little hard for you to hear.
But you're too old for this.
I can't be your big buddy anymore.
Wait.
But why?! You'll always be my big buddy.
I'm sorry, Garrett.
It's over.
I get it.
I'm too old.
I've grown up.
I'm mature now.
Could you at least walk me home? It's getting dark.
Hey.
Hey.
What is with Jasmine? How many times is she going to text me to go to this party? What party? Dean's.
Oh, it's not for you.
There's only going to be earth dudes there.
Chill, Jas.
It's like she can't go without me.
Well, she can't.
What are you talking about? You have the parental stamp of approval.
The what? You're such a goody two-shoes, parents let their kids go places if they know Lindy Watson's going to be there.
Oh please.
When has that ever happened? Hi, mom.
Can I go to the rap battle at the abandoned prison? Lindy's going to be there.
Hey, mom! Can I take a bus to Milwaukee to hang out with my friend from the wrong side of the tracks? Lindy's going to be there.
Hi, mom.
Can I go to the midnight screening in the bad part of town of the new scary movie that's making teenagers throw up in the aisles? Lindy's going to be there.
How come you never told me this? Because I like going places my parents don't like me to go to.
Hey, kids.
Did you get my text? Yeah.
About that.
Did you invite me to that wild party because you really want to hang out with me or was there some ulterior motive? Of course not.
That's the craziest thing I've ever heard in my entire life.
In fact, it could not be further from the truth.
I told her about the stamp.
Big mouth.
Don't you have a smoothie date on Mars? I wish.
How long has this been going on, Jas? Is our entire friendship based on the fact that I'm a goody two-shoes? Oh, stop it.
What? No, no, no, no, no.
This is important to me.
I'd really like to know.
Would you give me a break? I'm your best friend in the entire world.
Why would you even question why I want to spend time with you? Okay.
Whew! Just making sure.
So we're good? Yeah.
So what about Dean's party? I'll let you know.
Mom, I'm gonna have to call you back.
Hi.
You're still my buddy, aren't you? Oh, Paul finally cut you loose, huh? Yes.
Can you believe he chose his real kid over me? I'm surprised after spending all that time with you he decided to have a real kid.
Dude, you don't need a big buddy anymore.
But I liked having a big buddy.
Okay, then why don't you become a big buddy? I mean you're old enough.
You're right.
I should sign up today.
I mean, I have so much to teach kids.
They don't know what to fear yet.
I can help mold them into fearing mold.
I wouldn't put that on your application.
Guess who? Well, I know it's not my girlfriend, because I don't have one of those.
I just winked.
Did you feel it? So what do you not want to not do tonight? Definitely not go to rumblejuice at 7:00, that's for sure.
Okay, I won't meet you there.
Stop right now! Don't run in the halls! That's detention for a week.
Oh man, that new vice principal is so strict.
I know, right? You! No book cover! Get out of the school! Go! Now! Hurry! Don't run in the halls! You think he's tough at school, you should try living with him.
You live with the vice principal? Do your parents know? Logan, Mr.
bricker is my father.
And you live with him? Oh wait, that makes sense.
Why didn't you tell me? I didn't want to scare you off.
My dad doesn't approve of anybody.
He's so over-protective, he told me if he hears I'm dating a guy, he'll fail him, crush him, then fail him again! Hello, Danica.
Hi, daddy.
Hey, saggy-pants! Did I catch you looking at my daughter? I hope you like scrubbing toilets! So, rumblejuice at 7:00.
Won't meet you there.
A snow-girlfriend's starting to look pretty good right now.
Ooh, nice shoes.
No.
They're not nice shoes.
They're bad shoes.
They are very bad.
In fact, you might say I'm a baddy two-shoes.
What are you doing? Not being good anymore.
That's right.
You don't know where I walked before I did this.
I'm guessing all the way here from honors algebra.
Little hint.
Going like this does not make you bad.
Hey, troublemaker! Feet off the table! Do it now! No, no, no.
It was me.
I did it first.
Look at you, covering for your friend.
Why can't you be good like her? Answer me! Well, I don't talk back! Hey, guys.
What's the matter, Fido? Can't stop chewing on your tail? Very funny.
My quest for space romance continues.
I'm sending out signals.
Do they sound like this? Uh-huh.
This device was actually invented by NASA.
It sends and receives messages from deep space.
Delia, you know there's no such thing as aliens, right? Are you so egotistical that you believe, out of billions of planets, ours is the only one with intelligent life? You're against non-earthlings.
You're a u.
F.
O.
-Ophobe.
That is so not true.
I don't judge anyone.
I love every creature I've ever come into contact with.
You tell her, bad girl.
Believe what you want, but with this device, I'm transmitting a message to age-appropriate beings in every galaxy that I'm available.
Hi, single space guys.
I'm Delia.
I enjoy long walks on the beach, bumper bowling and watching the sunset.
Or suns-set, depending on how many your planet has.
Open to a very long distance relationship.
So the bag said "serving size, 12 crackers.
" But when I opened the bag, what do I see? Eleven crackers.
Hey, my little buddy is going to be here.
Do you think I should put him on the spaceship with Delia when she goes on her date? Oh, yeah, yeah.
I think he'd like that.
Logan, are you even listening? What's up with you? I don't know what you're talking about.
It's like you've been hiding something the last couple of days.
Whaaaaat? You are hiding something.
What is it? Okay, I can't tell you what it is, but it's something I've wanted for a long time and if anyone finds out it's happening, it may not be happening.
And I could get kicked out of school and possibly crushed and then kicked out of school again.
Danica Bricker's your secret girlfriend? Yes.
What how did you guess? I'm a very astute judge of human behavior.
And I have your email password.
Are you my new big buddy? No.
He is.
Aw, man.
Hey, little buddy! Mom, wait! Hey, hey, come on.
We're gonna have the best day of your life.
Anything you want to do.
Really? Absolutely.
Just name it.
Paintball? Too messy.
Dirtbike riding? Too dangerous.
Ice cream? Too gassy.
Fine! What would you like to do? I don't know.
Maybe we can talk about the parameters of our big buddy little buddy relationship.
Oh, I've had these papers drawn up.
This contract states that when you're older and have kids of your own, you'll still want me to be your big buddy.
So if you could just sign here, here and initial here.
Well, say good-bye to goody two-shoes Lindy 'cause it's about to get bad up in here.
You're not gonna put your feet on the desk again, are you? Not this time.
I'm going to stand up and drop so many word bombs, I'll have enough money in my swear jar to meet my charity's fundraising goal.
It's a charity that helps bad people.
Mrs.
Gilbright, I have something to say to you and I want the entire class to hear it.
I think you're That's right, I said it! And I don't care who heard it! Uh, nobody did.
Come on.
Fire drill, people! Who's the safety monitor? That would be me.
Good girl! Line up.
Single file, everyone.
Look out, y'all.
It's about to get safe up in here.
Hey, want to walk me home? Sure.
I'm assuming a block behind you? You know what? Let's make it half a block.
It is our one-week anniversary, honey.
Wow.
I can't believe I've had a girlfriend for a whole taste the floor, dirt bag! You know, Danica, I don't think this is really working out.
What are you talking about? Is it the whole scary-dad thing? No, it's the whole scary-girlfriend thing.
You're afraid of me? Well, um, if you help me up from the floor and walk me to the nurse's office, I'd be happy to explain it to you.
Danica, I'm breaking up with you before you break me.
Oh, really? Well, then I guess I have no choice but to go to my dear, dear, over-protective father and tell him how you broke my heart.
Mr.
Bricker! Wait.
During those 3 seconds that we were apart, I realized I can't live without you.
I'm so happy we worked it out.
Finn? What are youdoing here? You had so much fun on our last buddy outing you couldn't wait to hang out with me again? They promised to send me a coupon for a new bag, but here's a buck.
Go buy yourself some stinkin' crackers! I spywith my little eye seven health code violations.
Now there's eight.
Oh man, this is the toughest Taffy tug of war ever.
Whoa! Anyway, Garrett, I'm only here because P.
J.
Said it was the right thing to do.
P.
J.
? Who's P.
J.
? My new big buddy.
He's totally cool.
He's a firefighter! Wow, so you have two big buddies? You told P.
J.
you didn't need him because you have me? Oh-for-two.
Hey, you signed a contract.
This is vice principal Bricker.
All students, pay attention! Take those stupid buds out of your filthy ears and listen up! Due to the blizzard, the school is on lockdown.
Settle in, little ones.
We're here for the long haul! We're not allowed to leave? I'm scared.
Where's your precious P.
J.
Now? Ugh! What is going on? We've been stuck here for 2 hours.
What if the snow never lets up? What if we never get out of here? We'll run out of food.
We're all going to die! Calm down, former little buddy.
We're not all going to die.
Some of us will survive by eating the shortest and the cutest.
Okay, everyone.
I just spoke to all of your parents and filled them in on the situation.
Was my mom freaking out? Actually, all of the parents were very calm once I told them Lindy was here.
Oh, come on! Dad.
I mean, Mr.
bricker.
It's getting cold.
I could go get the space heaters from the janitor's closet, but I'm afraid to go alone.
Any volunteers? Guess Logan could do it.
Logan, good man.
Take Danica to the closet and don't leave her side.
Oh, fine.
Let's go, loser.
Whoa.
Just got a spike.
This is it.
The aliens are landing at our high school.
That or your collar is cutting off the circulation to your brain.
What's going on with her? Don't worry.
She's just trying to attract some alien beings to swoop down here and take somebody away.
Somebody easy to carry.
Calm down.
The emergency lights have come on.
Everything is going to be okay.
What is that? The sweet sound of retro-rockets firing.
I can't believe it, but it's actually happening.
I'm about to get picked up by my space-boo.
The spaceship's here.
It's actually here! How's my hair? I don't want him to come millions of light years and think I don't look like my picture.
Deels, don't be ridiculous.
There's no spaceship.
Oh, sorry, that's my creepy Sci-Fi ringtone.
Hi, mom.
Yeah, everything's fine.
Can you tell her you're here? This is too weird.
Is there a chance Delia's right about aliens? He's coming for me.
My alien boyfriend.
And he's not alone.
He either has three heads or two friends.
Either way, I'm good.
Or he's coming for you.
Louder! Nobody can hear you scream in space.
Paul? P.
J.
? Hey, little buddy.
P.
J Paul, you're P.
J.
? You never told me you were a fireman.
Or that your middle initial is "J".
That's because you never asked.
It was always about you, you, you.
Oh wait.
So the flashing lights outside were just Snowplows.
Roads are officially open.
You can all leave as soon as your parents get here.
He tried to scare me, P.
J.
That's okay.
He scared me for years.
You know what? You two deserve each other.
Unless the three of us hang out together.
Buddy-buddy-buddy? Any buddy? No buddy? Fine, but you'll be hearing from my lawyers.
There you are.
Did you guys make out okay? No, no, I swear! We just hugged a little bit.
Logan! Danica, I can't take this anymore.
Mr.
Bricker, I've been secretly dating Danica.
I'm sorry, Danica, but half the fun of having a girlfriend is getting to say you have a girlfriend.
And the other half is I don't know, 'cause I've never had a girlfriend before.
Go ahead.
Crush me if you want.
If you don't, she will.
Why would I do that? I'm fine with you two going out.
On one condition.
Wherever you go, bring Lindy.
Hey, Deels.
Sorry I gave you such a hard time about the aliens.
No, I was kidding myself thinking there was somebody out there for me.
There is.
Just not as far out there as you think.
It's just, none of the guys at this school get me.
They're high school boys.
They don't get anything.
Except zits.
I don't know.
What if it's me? What if I'm just too weird for someone to like me? Of all your crazy theories, that's the craziest.
Yes, you're weird, but that's what's so great about you.
And some boy is gonna think that's great, too.
And I bet he'll be human.
Thanks, guys.
You're the best friends in this world and any other world.
I can't believe I thought there was a spaceship coming for me.
Like aliens really exist.
Actually, they do exist.
I know because I am an alien.
I knew they existed! And I can totally see it! The beady eyes.
The slightly metallic odor.
Strange bodily proportions.
Everything about you screams alien! I'm gonna stop you right there.
I'm actually from Canada.
Close enough.
Fear not.
Everyone from my planet has an extra eye.
I must return home now, but I was wondering if one of you wanted to come home with me.
It's my dream to go to another planet.
Keep dreaming.
I meant Lindy.
Really? Me? Why me? I didn't have permission to use my parents' spacecraft, but if they knew that I was with you Are you kidding me? You only want me to go because I have the alien stamp of approval?
Is there a chance Delia's right about aliens? He's coming for me.
My alien boyfriend.
And he's not alone.
He either has three heads or two friends.
Either way, I'm good.
Or he's coming for you.
Louder! Nobody can hear you scream in space.
So you want to go to that party at Dean's house this weekend? I know you think Dean's a little sketch, but everyone's talking about it.
Everyone except his parents.
I don't even think they know about it.
Knowing Dean, they're probably tied up in his basement.
So that's good.
There'll be parental supervision.
I'll think about it.
Fine, but I'm only going if you go.
Guys, guys, I had an epiphany.
I know why I don't have a boyfriend.
Finally.
I'll get you a decent haircut, take you shopping and teach you how to put on makeup.
Jasmine! What is wrong with you? We'll both do it.
I don't need a makeover.
Yeah, Jasmine! I don't want to sound elitist or full of myself, but I'm too good for the guys on this planet.
So I've decided to startlooking in outer space.
Oh sweetie, you don't sound elitist.
You sound like you've lost your mind.
I'm serious.
I'm looking for an extraterrestrial romance.
And this is where I walk away.
Fine.
But you'll wish you'd been nicer to me when my hot alien boyfriend conquers the planet and turns everyone into a human-flavored cookies.
Hey, it's really coming down out there.
After school, want to go build snow-girlfriends? Logan, please, we're not nine.
Besides, I've got a play date at rumblejuice with my big buddy.
Hey, Logan.
Oh, uh, Danica, right? - Can I tell you something? - Yeah.
My friend thinks you're really cute and wants to go out with you.
Okay, it's me.
Mi yong, the foreign exchange student? No.
Me.
Danica.
I thought so.
You know, I was just covering my bases in case it was actually mi and not you.
No, not me, mi.
But this is cool.
So how about tonight, you and I get leave me alone, weirdo! So you were saying about tonight.
What just happened? I mean, girls usually confuse me, but you are unusually confusing.
Sorry about that.
I really like you, but technically I'm not allowed to date.
So if it's okay with you, nobody can know about us.
Wait.
I can know about us, right? Yes, of course.
Back off! Your face makes me vomit! I feel happy, but I also feel pain.
This must be what love feels like.
So the bag says "serving size, 12 crackers.
" But when I open the bag, what do I see? Eleven crackers.
So I dial the 800 number and they promised to send me a coupon for a new bag.
But by then the whole picnic was ruined.
Ruined.
I know, Garrett.
I've heard this story before.
And I was there.
Listen, how long have I been your big buddy? Well, let's see.
I signed up for the school buddy program in first grade, so 10 amazing years together.
Wow, feels more like 10 minutes, huh? Yeah.
Underwater.
What? Nothing.
So what's cooking in today's skillet o' fun? Badminton? Mini golf? A Taffy tug-of-war? Haven't done one of those in a while.
Garrett, I'm 26 now.
I have a wife and an actual child.
I missed his first step last month because I was in the park teaching you how to fly a kite.
Oh! That was a great day.
Remember that shaved ice? And then I dropped it and then you got me another one and then I dropped that one.
Listen, this is going to be a little hard for you to hear.
But you're too old for this.
I can't be your big buddy anymore.
Wait.
But why?! You'll always be my big buddy.
I'm sorry, Garrett.
It's over.
I get it.
I'm too old.
I've grown up.
I'm mature now.
Could you at least walk me home? It's getting dark.
Hey.
Hey.
What is with Jasmine? How many times is she going to text me to go to this party? What party? Dean's.
Oh, it's not for you.
There's only going to be earth dudes there.
Chill, Jas.
It's like she can't go without me.
Well, she can't.
What are you talking about? You have the parental stamp of approval.
The what? You're such a goody two-shoes, parents let their kids go places if they know Lindy Watson's going to be there.
Oh please.
When has that ever happened? Hi, mom.
Can I go to the rap battle at the abandoned prison? Lindy's going to be there.
Hey, mom! Can I take a bus to Milwaukee to hang out with my friend from the wrong side of the tracks? Lindy's going to be there.
Hi, mom.
Can I go to the midnight screening in the bad part of town of the new scary movie that's making teenagers throw up in the aisles? Lindy's going to be there.
How come you never told me this? Because I like going places my parents don't like me to go to.
Hey, kids.
Did you get my text? Yeah.
About that.
Did you invite me to that wild party because you really want to hang out with me or was there some ulterior motive? Of course not.
That's the craziest thing I've ever heard in my entire life.
In fact, it could not be further from the truth.
I told her about the stamp.
Big mouth.
Don't you have a smoothie date on Mars? I wish.
How long has this been going on, Jas? Is our entire friendship based on the fact that I'm a goody two-shoes? Oh, stop it.
What? No, no, no, no, no.
This is important to me.
I'd really like to know.
Would you give me a break? I'm your best friend in the entire world.
Why would you even question why I want to spend time with you? Okay.
Whew! Just making sure.
So we're good? Yeah.
So what about Dean's party? I'll let you know.
Mom, I'm gonna have to call you back.
Hi.
You're still my buddy, aren't you? Oh, Paul finally cut you loose, huh? Yes.
Can you believe he chose his real kid over me? I'm surprised after spending all that time with you he decided to have a real kid.
Dude, you don't need a big buddy anymore.
But I liked having a big buddy.
Okay, then why don't you become a big buddy? I mean you're old enough.
You're right.
I should sign up today.
I mean, I have so much to teach kids.
They don't know what to fear yet.
I can help mold them into fearing mold.
I wouldn't put that on your application.
Guess who? Well, I know it's not my girlfriend, because I don't have one of those.
I just winked.
Did you feel it? So what do you not want to not do tonight? Definitely not go to rumblejuice at 7:00, that's for sure.
Okay, I won't meet you there.
Stop right now! Don't run in the halls! That's detention for a week.
Oh man, that new vice principal is so strict.
I know, right? You! No book cover! Get out of the school! Go! Now! Hurry! Don't run in the halls! You think he's tough at school, you should try living with him.
You live with the vice principal? Do your parents know? Logan, Mr.
bricker is my father.
And you live with him? Oh wait, that makes sense.
Why didn't you tell me? I didn't want to scare you off.
My dad doesn't approve of anybody.
He's so over-protective, he told me if he hears I'm dating a guy, he'll fail him, crush him, then fail him again! Hello, Danica.
Hi, daddy.
Hey, saggy-pants! Did I catch you looking at my daughter? I hope you like scrubbing toilets! So, rumblejuice at 7:00.
Won't meet you there.
A snow-girlfriend's starting to look pretty good right now.
Ooh, nice shoes.
No.
They're not nice shoes.
They're bad shoes.
They are very bad.
In fact, you might say I'm a baddy two-shoes.
What are you doing? Not being good anymore.
That's right.
You don't know where I walked before I did this.
I'm guessing all the way here from honors algebra.
Little hint.
Going like this does not make you bad.
Hey, troublemaker! Feet off the table! Do it now! No, no, no.
It was me.
I did it first.
Look at you, covering for your friend.
Why can't you be good like her? Answer me! Well, I don't talk back! Hey, guys.
What's the matter, Fido? Can't stop chewing on your tail? Very funny.
My quest for space romance continues.
I'm sending out signals.
Do they sound like this? Uh-huh.
This device was actually invented by NASA.
It sends and receives messages from deep space.
Delia, you know there's no such thing as aliens, right? Are you so egotistical that you believe, out of billions of planets, ours is the only one with intelligent life? You're against non-earthlings.
You're a u.
F.
O.
-Ophobe.
That is so not true.
I don't judge anyone.
I love every creature I've ever come into contact with.
You tell her, bad girl.
Believe what you want, but with this device, I'm transmitting a message to age-appropriate beings in every galaxy that I'm available.
Hi, single space guys.
I'm Delia.
I enjoy long walks on the beach, bumper bowling and watching the sunset.
Or suns-set, depending on how many your planet has.
Open to a very long distance relationship.
So the bag said "serving size, 12 crackers.
" But when I opened the bag, what do I see? Eleven crackers.
Hey, my little buddy is going to be here.
Do you think I should put him on the spaceship with Delia when she goes on her date? Oh, yeah, yeah.
I think he'd like that.
Logan, are you even listening? What's up with you? I don't know what you're talking about.
It's like you've been hiding something the last couple of days.
Whaaaaat? You are hiding something.
What is it? Okay, I can't tell you what it is, but it's something I've wanted for a long time and if anyone finds out it's happening, it may not be happening.
And I could get kicked out of school and possibly crushed and then kicked out of school again.
Danica Bricker's your secret girlfriend? Yes.
What how did you guess? I'm a very astute judge of human behavior.
And I have your email password.
Are you my new big buddy? No.
He is.
Aw, man.
Hey, little buddy! Mom, wait! Hey, hey, come on.
We're gonna have the best day of your life.
Anything you want to do.
Really? Absolutely.
Just name it.
Paintball? Too messy.
Dirtbike riding? Too dangerous.
Ice cream? Too gassy.
Fine! What would you like to do? I don't know.
Maybe we can talk about the parameters of our big buddy little buddy relationship.
Oh, I've had these papers drawn up.
This contract states that when you're older and have kids of your own, you'll still want me to be your big buddy.
So if you could just sign here, here and initial here.
Well, say good-bye to goody two-shoes Lindy 'cause it's about to get bad up in here.
You're not gonna put your feet on the desk again, are you? Not this time.
I'm going to stand up and drop so many word bombs, I'll have enough money in my swear jar to meet my charity's fundraising goal.
It's a charity that helps bad people.
Mrs.
Gilbright, I have something to say to you and I want the entire class to hear it.
I think you're That's right, I said it! And I don't care who heard it! Uh, nobody did.
Come on.
Fire drill, people! Who's the safety monitor? That would be me.
Good girl! Line up.
Single file, everyone.
Look out, y'all.
It's about to get safe up in here.
Hey, want to walk me home? Sure.
I'm assuming a block behind you? You know what? Let's make it half a block.
It is our one-week anniversary, honey.
Wow.
I can't believe I've had a girlfriend for a whole taste the floor, dirt bag! You know, Danica, I don't think this is really working out.
What are you talking about? Is it the whole scary-dad thing? No, it's the whole scary-girlfriend thing.
You're afraid of me? Well, um, if you help me up from the floor and walk me to the nurse's office, I'd be happy to explain it to you.
Danica, I'm breaking up with you before you break me.
Oh, really? Well, then I guess I have no choice but to go to my dear, dear, over-protective father and tell him how you broke my heart.
Mr.
Bricker! Wait.
During those 3 seconds that we were apart, I realized I can't live without you.
I'm so happy we worked it out.
Finn? What are youdoing here? You had so much fun on our last buddy outing you couldn't wait to hang out with me again? They promised to send me a coupon for a new bag, but here's a buck.
Go buy yourself some stinkin' crackers! I spywith my little eye seven health code violations.
Now there's eight.
Oh man, this is the toughest Taffy tug of war ever.
Whoa! Anyway, Garrett, I'm only here because P.
J.
Said it was the right thing to do.
P.
J.
? Who's P.
J.
? My new big buddy.
He's totally cool.
He's a firefighter! Wow, so you have two big buddies? You told P.
J.
you didn't need him because you have me? Oh-for-two.
Hey, you signed a contract.
This is vice principal Bricker.
All students, pay attention! Take those stupid buds out of your filthy ears and listen up! Due to the blizzard, the school is on lockdown.
Settle in, little ones.
We're here for the long haul! We're not allowed to leave? I'm scared.
Where's your precious P.
J.
Now? Ugh! What is going on? We've been stuck here for 2 hours.
What if the snow never lets up? What if we never get out of here? We'll run out of food.
We're all going to die! Calm down, former little buddy.
We're not all going to die.
Some of us will survive by eating the shortest and the cutest.
Okay, everyone.
I just spoke to all of your parents and filled them in on the situation.
Was my mom freaking out? Actually, all of the parents were very calm once I told them Lindy was here.
Oh, come on! Dad.
I mean, Mr.
bricker.
It's getting cold.
I could go get the space heaters from the janitor's closet, but I'm afraid to go alone.
Any volunteers? Guess Logan could do it.
Logan, good man.
Take Danica to the closet and don't leave her side.
Oh, fine.
Let's go, loser.
Whoa.
Just got a spike.
This is it.
The aliens are landing at our high school.
That or your collar is cutting off the circulation to your brain.
What's going on with her? Don't worry.
She's just trying to attract some alien beings to swoop down here and take somebody away.
Somebody easy to carry.
Calm down.
The emergency lights have come on.
Everything is going to be okay.
What is that? The sweet sound of retro-rockets firing.
I can't believe it, but it's actually happening.
I'm about to get picked up by my space-boo.
The spaceship's here.
It's actually here! How's my hair? I don't want him to come millions of light years and think I don't look like my picture.
Deels, don't be ridiculous.
There's no spaceship.
Oh, sorry, that's my creepy Sci-Fi ringtone.
Hi, mom.
Yeah, everything's fine.
Can you tell her you're here? This is too weird.
Is there a chance Delia's right about aliens? He's coming for me.
My alien boyfriend.
And he's not alone.
He either has three heads or two friends.
Either way, I'm good.
Or he's coming for you.
Louder! Nobody can hear you scream in space.
Paul? P.
J.
? Hey, little buddy.
P.
J Paul, you're P.
J.
? You never told me you were a fireman.
Or that your middle initial is "J".
That's because you never asked.
It was always about you, you, you.
Oh wait.
So the flashing lights outside were just Snowplows.
Roads are officially open.
You can all leave as soon as your parents get here.
He tried to scare me, P.
J.
That's okay.
He scared me for years.
You know what? You two deserve each other.
Unless the three of us hang out together.
Buddy-buddy-buddy? Any buddy? No buddy? Fine, but you'll be hearing from my lawyers.
There you are.
Did you guys make out okay? No, no, I swear! We just hugged a little bit.
Logan! Danica, I can't take this anymore.
Mr.
Bricker, I've been secretly dating Danica.
I'm sorry, Danica, but half the fun of having a girlfriend is getting to say you have a girlfriend.
And the other half is I don't know, 'cause I've never had a girlfriend before.
Go ahead.
Crush me if you want.
If you don't, she will.
Why would I do that? I'm fine with you two going out.
On one condition.
Wherever you go, bring Lindy.
Hey, Deels.
Sorry I gave you such a hard time about the aliens.
No, I was kidding myself thinking there was somebody out there for me.
There is.
Just not as far out there as you think.
It's just, none of the guys at this school get me.
They're high school boys.
They don't get anything.
Except zits.
I don't know.
What if it's me? What if I'm just too weird for someone to like me? Of all your crazy theories, that's the craziest.
Yes, you're weird, but that's what's so great about you.
And some boy is gonna think that's great, too.
And I bet he'll be human.
Thanks, guys.
You're the best friends in this world and any other world.
I can't believe I thought there was a spaceship coming for me.
Like aliens really exist.
Actually, they do exist.
I know because I am an alien.
I knew they existed! And I can totally see it! The beady eyes.
The slightly metallic odor.
Strange bodily proportions.
Everything about you screams alien! I'm gonna stop you right there.
I'm actually from Canada.
Close enough.
Fear not.
Everyone from my planet has an extra eye.
I must return home now, but I was wondering if one of you wanted to come home with me.
It's my dream to go to another planet.
Keep dreaming.
I meant Lindy.
Really? Me? Why me? I didn't have permission to use my parents' spacecraft, but if they knew that I was with you Are you kidding me? You only want me to go because I have the alien stamp of approval?