I Dream of Jeannie (1965) s01e05 Episode Script

Once upon a time in a mythical place called Cape Kennedy an astronaut named Tony Nelson went up on a space mission.
The missile went up, but something went wrong and they had to bring it down.
Captain Nelson landed on an island in the South Pacific, where he found a bottle.
At least it looked like a bottle.
But it didn't act like a bottle.
Because in it was a genie.
Oh, not your average, everyday genie but a beautiful genie who could grant any wish.
Captain Nelson was so grateful, he set Jeannie free.
Only she didn't want to be free.
You know how it is when you've been cooped up in a bottle for 2000 years.
She wanted to have fun and she wanted to have it with Captain Nelson.
So she followed him back to Cocoa Beach a mythical town in a mythical state called Florida.
And there, in this house, the girl in the bottle plays spin the astronaut.
Jeannie.
Jeannie.
All right now, Jeannie, come on out of there.
Now, come on.
l mean it.
Okay, young lady, this time you've gone just too far.
All right, now, come on.
-Thou hast tried to drown me.
-Oh, yeah? Don't tempt me.
All right, now, what did you do with them? What did l do with what? The papers l brought home from the air base this afternoon.
-The ones you said were important? -Yes, those are the ones.
l put them in my desk, and they're not there.
Well, of course not.
Since you told me of their importance, l hid them where they would be safe.
Jeannie, l told you never to touch my papers.
lf they'd been lost, l'd be in really big trouble.
l put them in a hiding place where they will never be found.
Well, they're-- They are.
They are hidden.
Yes, yes, l know that.
But where are they hidden? Are they--? Are they under a cushion? Under the rug? Behind a picture? ln a book? ln a purse? ln a hatbox? -That's it.
-What? A suitcase.
l took the small suitcase from the hall closet.
And then l very carefully put the papers inside.
Then l carefully locked it.
Then l very carefully took the key-- And you carefully hid it? ln a place where nobody would ever find it.
That is right.
lt is right here.
Oh, Jeannie.
Please, don't scare me like that.
You did not think l had lost it? Well, you must admit that you had a little difficulty in remembering you had put the papers in the suitcase.
But l had no difficulty remembering where l had hidden the key to the suitcase.
No.
No, that's true.
l'm only too glad to humbly apologize for doubting you but-- Wait, master.
lf you do not mind, l would rather have you humbly apologize after.
After what? After l remember where l've hidden the suitcase.
No, no.
No, thanks, Jeannie.
l've got to get going.
l got a ton of work waiting for me on my desk.
Will you be home for dinner tonight, master? l'm afraid not, Jeannie.
Looks like another late session.
Again? You have had to work late every night this week.
l'm assigned to a pretty important project.
That is because you are the wisest master in the whole world.
Listen, l gotta get going.
Have a good day, Jeannie.
Are you not going to kiss me goodbye? Now, remember our bargain.
This is a purely platonic relationship.
Oh, yes.
Purely platonic.
You agreed to keep it on that basis because you knew it was the best way.
No.
l agreed because l did not know what '' platonic'' meant.
lt's another name for friendship.
Pals.
Good buddies.
Then what about a friendly kiss goodbye? Well, l don't suppose there's any harm in that.
You're the best buddy a buddy ever had.
Tony.
Do you have a minute for a cup of coffee? Sure, Roge.
lt'll have to be a quick one.
Boy, what a depressing day this figures to be.
Yeah, l know.
This paperwork's getting me down too.
lt's not the paperwork that's bugging me.
lt's Beverly.
-Beverly? -Yeah, Beverly Anderson.
She's a lieutenant in the WAFs.
l met her a couple weeks ago at the club.
Oh, man, what a woman.
Tony, wanna know something? lt was love at first sight.
-Again? -No, this time l really mean it.
She's everything l ever looked for in a woman.
Everything.
-Well, l'd like to meet her, Roge.
-You can't.
-You can't, you can't, you can't.
-Why? -She's in North Africa.
-North Africa? Shipped out this morning.
There's a big personnel shortage and all new WAF units are being sent overseas.
-Well, that's a tough break, Roge.
-Tough? lt's a disaster of my life.
l flip over a girl who's crazy about me, the day l'm gonna propose to her -off she goes to Africa.
-How long is she gonna be gone? -Eight months.
-Eight months? By then, there's bound to be someone else.
Someone else? There will probably be dozens.
Well, if Beverly's so crazy about you why would she look for somebody else? Who's talking about Beverly? l was talking about me.
Tony, eight months is a long time, you know.
We-- These girls may not be Beverly, but they're here.
Now, let's see what we have in the little old goody book.
And we have Beverly, Elizabeth, and we have.
Thanks for cheering me up, Tony.
You've been a real-- Tony? -l thought you would never get here.
-What are you doing here? -l miss you.
-l just left the house.
-But that is when l miss you most.
-You gotta get out of here.
Come on.
-May l not stay for just a few minutes? -No, absolutely not.
l'm working with classified material.
lf you're seen, l'd be court-martialed.
-No one will see me.
-Yes, they will.
My secretary.
You have a secretary? Well, certainly l have a secretary.
And when you work nights, the secretary is here with you? Of course.
-What does she look like? -She looks like a 45-year-old man.
-Your secretary's a man? -Yes.
Sergeant Cushing.
Now, come on.
That's Cushing.
Sergeant, just hold on a minute.
l'm on the phone.
l'll just be a minute.
Jeannie.
Jeannie? Well, wherever you are, just stay there, huh? Come on in, sergeant.
l'm Corporal Burns, captain.
l've been assigned as your secretary.
What happened to Sergeant Cushing? He's been transferred.
l know this is rather short notice but l hope you won't be too disappointed in his replacement.
Oh, no.
No.
Well, l feel it's only fair to warn you that this job requires quite a bit of night work.
l'm quite used to that, captain.
Well, l might as well show you where everything is.
This is our supply closet here.
-What's the matter? -Nothing.
-l just forgot l had something in there.
-What? Well, l can't say.
Hush-hush stuff? Hush-hush stuff.
Oh, very hush-hush.
As a matter of fact, l'd better take care of that right now -before l start anything new.
-Can l help? l'm cleared for classified material, you know.
No, this is not exactly classified.
l consider it more, top-secret.
Why don't you check back with me in an hour.
Well, okay.
Bye.
Bye.
Jeannie, you can come out-- Jeannie, now, come on out.
Come on.
-l am ready when you are, boss.
-Boss? ls that not what your secretary is supposed to call you? What are you talking about? Oh, l see.
You think l've lost my mind.
l'm gonna let you be my secretary.
l will be a better one than that Corporal Burns.
And l do not mind working nights either.
ln the first place, you can't type.
ln the second place, you can't file.
You can't take dictation.
You can't even sharpen a pencil-- Well, how about that.
l'm ready when you are, captain.
l told you l would be a good secretary.
Good? You're terrific.
You're fantastic.
-l get the job, master? -No.
-No? Why not? -Because this is a military base a rather important one too.
Because of security reasons, they do not use civilian personnel.
ln order to be your secretary, l would have to join the Air Force.
And you certainly wouldn't want to do that.
l think it is a marvellous idea.
Then we could be together all the time.
There's a few facts you'd better get straight first.
-Facts? What facts? -l talked to Roger Healey.
lf you join, you know where you'd be going? -Where? -You'd be going-- You'd be going into the finest organization in the world.
l want you to be proud of me.
l'm going to become a wonderful WAF.
And l will do it without using a single genie trick.
Come in.
-May l help you, please? -l'm Captain Nelson.
-We spoke on the phone this morning.
-Of course, captain.
lt's a pleasure to meet you, sir.
This is the young lady that wants to become a WAF.
-Yes, ma'am.
-There isn't a finer, nobler career you could have chosen.
Would you like to sit down? Jeannie.
Well, let's get a little information on her, all right? -Name? -My last name? -Nelson.
-Nelson.
Oh, then she's a relative of yours, sir? Yes, yes.
Sort of.
What relation is she to you, sir? -Wife.
-Cousin.
-l beg your pardon? -My wife's cousin.
-Date of birth? -July 1 st.
July 1 st.
-Year? -Twenty-one B.
C.
Age? Fifteen hundred.
-And place of birth? -Pompeii.
Pomp-- ''Twenty-one B.
C.
Fifteen hundred years old.
'' l know l should have been honest with you, lieutenant.
-l am not really 1 500.
-l really didn't think so.
l am 2000.
But every woman lies about her age.
Now, l'm afraid Jeannie tends to be a bit of a practical joker.
There's no harm intended.
Just in the spirit of fun, you know.
She's enlisting in the WAFs, captain, not in the Camp Fire Girls.
Give us a new application.
We'll go into another room and fill it out.
No sense bothering you with all this, is there? Well, all right, captain.
Go in the room across the hall.
Well, thank you very much.
Jeannie.
Thanks again.
Are you certain we are doing the right thing? Absolutely.
You'll be right where you belong.
lt is here, master.
Look, a letter from the United States Air Force.
What does it say? Have you been accepted? l do not know.
l'm too nervous to open the envelope.
Well, all right, let's take a look.
Well, what--? What is it? What do they say? Salute when you address an officer, recruit.
Recruit? You are now a member of the United States Air Force.
ls that not wonderful? Tonight you'll leave for six weeks basic training -in San Antonio, Texas.
-Now we can be toge-- l leave for what? Lackland Air Force Base, for six weeks basic training.
That means l will have to be away from you.
-Yeah, it does, doesn't it? -But six weeks is a lifetime.
Jeannie, it'll pass before you know it.
For both of us.
You'll be busy training, and l'll be busy working.
Yes.
What will your secretary be busy doing? Just forget about Corporal Burns.
You better get some of your things together.
l do not see why l must go away.
You'll have the time of your life.
Think of the interesting people you'll meet and the things you'll see in North Africa.
-North Africa? -San Antonio.
You'd better get your gear together.
Yes, sir.
Come in.
-Recruit Nelson reporting, major.
-At ease, recruit.
l've been studying your aptitude tests, and the results are amazing.
-You're quite a remarkable woman.
-Thank you.
As you know, these tests determine your main interests and ability.
They help us to place you in the jobs that you seem best suited to.
What did you find out about me? The average girl usually shows ability in several different fields.
We've given you five separate tests, and the answer's always the same.
lt seems there is only one thing you're qualified to do.
-What is that? -Nothing.
-How can that be? -l don't know.
You have a very high lQ rating.
To say that you're capable of nothing -just doesn't seem right.
-No.
Before you enlisted, you must have been doing something.
-Oh, yes, l was.
-What? Nothing.
Well, we've just got to find some kind of job for you to do.
l would make a wonderful secretary for Captain Anthony Nelson.
Wouldn't we all, my dear.
Let's see, the hospital is usually short-handed.
Perhaps you'd make a good nurse's aide.
A nurse's aide? l do not think so.
You have your orders.
Report to Lieutenant Grant, charge nurse.
And that will be all.
Dismissed.
l am truly sorry, colonel.
l really do not know what to say.
Well, l've got plenty to say.
Major Fiefield, this is Colonel Fenton.
Yes, colonel.
What can l do for you? Take back that nurse's aide you sent over yesterday.
Recruit Nelson? Really, colonel, do you think it's fair to judge a girl after one day? She needs time to learn.
She's had all the time she's gonna get in my hospital.
We're supposed to cure injuries here, not cause them.
Oh, dear.
What happened? She wanted to learn how to work our traction apparatus and some nitwit doctor let her use him as a patient.
The poor numbskull wound up with a broken leg.
She broke his leg? In three places.
Of course, if he had the brains of a polliwog he wouldn't have gone along with such an asinine idea.
Well, l'm terribly sorry, colonel.
Tell Nelson to report to me at once.
With pleasure, major.
Major Fiefield would like to see you.
Yes, sir.
Yes? Pardon, sir, but you'll be late for the staff meeting.
Tell them l'll be right there.
And that's really all there is to it.
l don't think l'd make a very good driver, sergeant.
l want to be secretary to Captain Anthony Nelson.
Look, take it up with the president.
l'm here to teach you to drive a jeep.
But what if l scratch the paint or dent a fender? This baby's indestructible.
You couldn't hurt it if you hit a brick wall.
Okay, recruit, take off.
Come in.
-You sent for me, major? -Yes.
These are the reports from the various departments in which you've worked.
l wanted you to hear them.
-Yes, ma'am.
-From the hospital we have this: '' Dangerous.
Approach with extreme caution.
'' From the dental lab: ''Strongly urge that Recruit Nelson be declared a disaster area.
'' Sergeant Morgan, the driving instructor, writes: ''A terrifying experience.
'' Administration says: ''Should be ideal for demolition work.
'' Now today l believe we worked in communications.
However, l haven't heard anything from them, so far.
You will get a phone call as soon as the power lines are working again.
We haven't found our little niche yet, have we, Nelson? l want to be secretary to Captain Nelson-- You've no experience.
You've got to take tests-- -l've already taken them.
-When? Between the jeep crash and the explosion at the communication switchboard.
Here's my score.
l'm afraid you're just wasting your-- Two hundred and fifty words a minute! No one can type that fast.
That was not typing.
That was dictation.
Two hundred and fifty words a minute -in longhand? -lt is easier to read that way.
l got a score of 400 words in typing.
Unbelievable.
Yeah, l told you l would make a good secretary.
You'd be the ideal girl for Colonel Thomas.
Colonel Thomas? Commanding officer at Lucas Air Base, North Africa.
Oh, no, no.
l want to be the secretary to Captain Anthony Nelson at Cape Kennedy.
l said Colonel Thomas at Lucas Air Base, North Africa.
Are you sure it was not Captain Nelson at Cape Kennedy? Of course, l'm sure.
ls there something wrong with your hearing? l distinctly told you to report to Captain Nelson at Cape Kennedy.
Yes, ma'am.
That is what l thought you said.
-Good morning, corporal.
-Good morning, Captain Master.
Jeannie.
Private Nelson, sir.
l've been assigned as your secretary.
-What happened to Corporal Burns? -She has been transferred to Lucas Air Base, North Africa.
This is pretty funny.
Are you really my secretary? l tried to do it without any tricks, as l promised.
But l do not think the WAFs are ready for me.
What would you like me to do first? Well, first l'd like you to clean out my desk.
And then call the airstrip and find out what flight l'm taking to Nevada.
Oh, yes, sir.
Nevada? l start training for Operation Moondrop.
-Well, what about me? -You won't have any problems.
They can always use a good secretary around here.
-But l am your secretary.
-l won't need one where l'm going.
l resign.
Well, you can't.
You just can't.
There's no way out.
l checked.
They only discharge girls if they're troublesome or a disturbing influence, or prove incompetent in their work.
You were saying, master? l was saying, welcome back to civilian life.