I Feel Bad (2018) s01e01 Episode Script
Pilot
1 [CHEERFUL NOTES.]
[SENSUAL MUSIC.]
Here's what every woman knows: We feel bad about something almost every day.
Like sometimes, I cheat on my husband in my sleep.
[GROANS.]
Wait, babe Ugh.
Oh, sorry.
Oh, I know that look.
You had that dream again, didn't you? Yeah, I did.
Oh, but I am so cool with it if you had - a good dream too, babe.
- I dreamt a giant hawk took the baby.
I'm gonna check on him.
Every morning is totally nuts around here.
My kids act like psychos, my husband can never find anything, and I eat expired baby food for breakfast.
I never know what I'll feel bad about, but I know it's always just around the corner.
Hello.
Mama's running off to work, huh? Fancy career lady abandoning her kids.
Come on, Ma, you were a stay-at-home mom and you still screwed up Emet.
- Right, babe? - Mm-hmm.
I mean, let's be honest I don't have a tiny nervous bald spot for nothing.
I was a very good mother.
It's not possible for me to have made all those healthy, healthy snacks and still screw you up.
You used to throw your shoes at me.
And you would duck like a tiger because of my healthy, healthy snacks.
Mom, I don't need to sculpt melon balls to connect with my kids, okay? I mean, I read with Louie, I go to all of Lily's - Quiz Bowl events - I quit Quiz Bowl.
My friends and I are gonna do dance team instead.
- What do you mean? - You quit Quiz Bowl? - I hated it.
- Well, you don't have to like it.
You think I like everything - I do? - Why can't you just be happy I'm on the dance team? I don't like dancing these days.
All that gyrating and shaking.
Okay.
Yeah, let's go before this creeps in to your long-term memory.
Go, go, go.
Come on, Jakey.
Honey! Grandpa and I are going to take you to our house - where it's clean.
- I am so sorry we can't afford a stranger to take care of you.
Hmm.
Why do I even buy all this fruit? There you are.
Let's head home, Maya.
[GASPS.]
[BOTH SCREAM.]
- Dad, what the hell? - I'm sorry! I I thought you were your mother.
- What? - What? You remind me of her sometimes.
Just in how you look and sound and act and where you carry your weight.
[sighs.]
And there it is: My feel-bad for today.
My dad smacked my ass because he thought I was my mom.
Take, take Control, trol of me Take me, take me, take, take - All right.
- Kids are ready to go, I am ready to go.
Bye.
- Okay.
- Hey.
Do you find my mother attractive? Is this 'cause I saw her get out of the shower that one time? I got Bell's palsy from that.
Well, then how can you find me attractive? Because I already kind of look like her, and it's only gonna get worse.
Okay, this seems like a trap.
I mean, it's a good one, I'll give you that.
- You know what? - What? You can't answer this question.
You love me.
I need a more objective opinion.
Wait, so you want me to be into your mom? I knew exactly where to get my objective opinion: I love my job.
I'm head artist at a video game company, We have air hockey, hover boards, a rock wall the guys say it helps their creativity.
Anyway, I'm the only woman on my team.
Hey, guys.
That's Norman.
He's sweet and sensitive.
Hux is spacey, Chewey's damaged but smart, - and Griff is all about Griff.
- at the same time.
They can be weird, but we're buds and I can talk to them about anything.
Since we need a female protagonist for the new game, I stayed up late sketching more empowered women for a change.
- [ALL GROANING.]
- Not again.
Just give it a shot.
Look, check her out.
She's badass, right? She looks like Tomb Raider's boring aunt.
- Wow, Sasquatch.
- Uh-uh.
Okay, okay.
How about her? Come on, you know she can fight.
- Yeah, she's on roids.
- She looks like my dad.
I don't even know why I try.
- Who else has something? - Uh, I got this sketch of a dragon destroying the Statue of Liberty.
It's not for work but it's pretty cool.
- [ALL AGREEING.]
- Wait, really? That? Okay, okay.
Sorry, just [CLEARS THROAT.]
While we're sharing, I just want to shift the conversation a little bit.
Something happened this morning, and I'm kind of in my head about it.
So I just need you guys to be really honest with me, okay? Just tell me the truth.
I'm still do-able, right? Uh - What uh - Hypothetically speaking.
Sorry, I'm starting to spiral.
Could someone just jump in? Anyone, say something.
I'm a "yes.
" - You do have a nice face.
- [LAUGHS.]
Thank you, Norman.
I appreciate the honesty.
Yeah, but that that face doesn't seem so fresh.
- I like a fresh face.
- I would like to retract my previous statement.
I also like a fresh face.
They're lying.
- We'd all do you.
- Interesting.
Interesting! Okay! Hux, please continue.
It's like pizza: even if it's not the greatest pizza, some pizza is better than no pizza.
Uh-uh.
No, okay, that analogy's flawed.
It's more like pizza that's stale and fallen between the sofa cushions versus pizza that's hot and fresh.
That's what you mean, right? Do we want, like, older sofa pizza that has three kids at home? Is it just me, or does pizza sound really good right now? Not talking about you.
[FUNKY ELECTRONIC MUSIC.]
Okay, you know what? Forget looks.
We all know that your minds are warped from drawing chicks with giant bowling ball boobs all day.
By the way, if I woman had those proportions, - she'd snap in half.
- Bilaterally - or top to bottom? - I don't know, Chewey.
All I'm saying is having a cool, fun personality is way more important.
- True.
- Thank you.
- You kind of nag sometimes.
- Oh, yeah.
- What? - And you're critical, which is why I, hypothetically, wouldn't do it with you.
I mean, I can just hear it: "Chewey, your grunts are too feminine.
"Chewey, how come your belly's shaped weird? Chewey, how can you be this sweaty already?" Chewey, you're grossing me out.
Yeah, that would be another one.
Okay, fine.
Maybe I have some flaws.
Well, you guys could stand to take a look at yourselves.
I mean, when did nerds get so damn picky? Nerds are cool now.
We date models.
Right, Hawking? Yeah.
Good boy.
Good boy.
Yeah.
You know, at first I was like, "Who cares what those nerds think?" But then I thought, "Those guys have a point.
I can be critical and naggy.
" I mean, when Lily told me she's joining dance team I treated her exactly the way my mom treated me - when I was her age.
- Crap.
- You threw your shoe at her.
- No! My mother's the shoe-thrower.
But I did kind of crush her spirit and act unsupportive.
You know what? I'm gonna support her.
I don't have to turn into my mother.
I'm a badass woman with a will of iron.
You stopped yourself giving birth to a baby in a taxi, and you were crowning.
Yeah, you're damn right I did, because if I wanted an Indian person to yell at me while I was giving birth I would have let my mom into the delivery room.
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
Maya.
You look fetching.
I'm smitten by your appearance this evening.
What's wrong with you, man? Don't make me fight you for her.
- What are you doing? - I'm addressing - your concern from earlier.
- Don't do it like that.
It's weird.
All right, everyone, Lily is very excited.
She wants to show us her dance routine.
What dance? You were supposed to talk her out of it.
No, Mom.
Unlike you, I'm actually supporting my daughter 100%.
Oh, maybe one day she'll do crystal meth.
We can all support her.
Tweaked out as a family.
I am proud of Lily.
She's a strong young lady who knows her mind - and makes good choices.
- Are you guys ready? Yes, yes! We're so ready! We're ready! [BLACK EYED PEAS' "MY HUMPS".]
[MAN VOCALIZING BREATHILY.]
Don't pull on my hand, boy Whoo-hoo! I'm just trying to dance, boy And move my hump My hump, my hump, my hump Uh, okay.
My lovely lady lumps - [MAN VOCALIZING.]
- My lovely lady lumps My lovely lady lumps In the back and in the front How am I supposed to support that? What the hell was that? [GIRLS CHEERING.]
Where did I go wrong? Is this because I let her watch five minutes of "Showgirls" that one time? Nobody panic.
I saw on "Dateline" that there's a camp for this.
They take the child away in the middle of the night and bring them back completely reformed.
I thought Lily was amazing.
I would like to hear more about this camp.
Camp is very expensive these days.
Sweetie, either help me or wait in the car.
- Car.
- Lily is such a natural, right? I mean, when she dropped it - I really believed it was hot.
- Was it me, or did it seem like the word "booty" was thrown around a lot in that song? I don't think "booty" meant booty.
I think it was code - for vagina.
- I thought that too.
You know what? I guess I just really appreciate self-expression.
I'm going home to take a hot bath.
Don't get too excited, man.
- [LAUGHS.]
- What? [DOOR CLOSES.]
Oh, my God, what was that dance? Oh, my God, I knew you were lying.
- Of course I was.
- That dance was very - BOTH: Advanced.
- I know! Girls mature faster these days.
It's something to do with the hormones in chicken or something.
It's why some of them get boobs so young.
Chicken gives you boobs? I eat chicken every day.
Am I gonna get chicken boobs? Maybe I can eat - more seafood.
- Okay, David, focus.
I am focused.
We're telling Lily that she cannot be on the dance team.
No, no, we can't do that.
No, I refuse to shame her over something that she loves and she's excited about.
That is what my mom did to me and it made me resent her.
I wanna be in the delivery room when she gives birth.
- Don't you? - Um, no.
Look, if Lily is passionate about dance team, we cannot be so so uptight and prudish.
We have to try to understand and support her.
Oh, and seafood? Full of mercury.
Shrinks your testicles.
So does hearing your mom say "vagina.
" You know what? I can do this.
I don't have to be like my mom.
[ALL SHOUTING.]
I can be reasonable - [CHEERING.]
- Rational, and even-handed.
I think I need to sabotage my daughter.
Well, how do you want to do it? Gaslighting, mind games, Coup de Main acts? Whoo! [ULULATING.]
Shenanigans, skullduggery, gumming up the works.
You guys are sick.
Mind games, I guess? Look, I just need Lily to hate dancing and quit without it getting traced back to me, because I want to watch her give birth - one day.
- I hate to be a buzz-kill but shouldn't we be working on your un-bangable heroine for our new game? - [GRUNTS.]
- We have got to hire - more women in this place.
- The kind of subtle mental manipulation you're hoping to unleash on your kid is basic "Inception.
" Yep.
You just, uh, plant something in Lily's head, and she acts on it.
For example, I had a friend at school, Teeny.
Okay, now he was bad news.
He drank; he smoked; punched a lunch lady.
He was really cool.
Anyway, one day my mum decides that she likes him.
Since then, I saw Teeny as a total loser - and I dropped him.
- Your mom poisoned the waters - and got rid of Teeny.
- Not quite.
They were having sex.
Teeny's now my stepdad.
- That's right.
- All right, I'm gonna go "Inception" my daughter.
[BLACK EYED PEAS' "MY HUMPS".]
Okay, remember: The key to inception is the more we're into it, the more we ruin it for Lily.
Eventually she'll think it's uncool and want to quit.
- Just make a big scene, okay? - Easy enough.
[BOTH CHEERING.]
- Go, Lily! - Whoo-hoo! Make it happen, girl.
Shake that booty, Lily.
Whoo! God, she really is shaking that booty.
Arms! Sashay! - Whoo! - Candlestick! - Lead pipe! - Are you just shouting - weapons from "Clue"? - Yeah, on "Dance Moms" - they just shout stuff.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Shake it, Professor Plum! - It's not working.
- We need to step it up.
Let's do our routine from college.
Five, six, seven, eight.
[BOTH GRUNTING MELODICALLY.]
BOTH: And snake, and snake, and snake.
Kid 'n Play! Whoo-hoo, Lily! Mom, what are you doing here? I'm showing my support.
It's how I used to get you to quit things I didn't like.
Go, Lily! Grandma says, shake your bacon! Great, not only did my mom and I have the same diabolical plan, but Lily didn't quit.
I forgot she actually likes me.
Before I gave up, there was one more thing I could get the guys to do to fix this.
Guys - "Inception" backfired.
- I'm kind of relieved.
It was pretty anti-feminist to refuse Lily the dignity of her choice to dance.
Talk about keeping women locked in a hegemonic power structure.
Norman, I usually love discussing the finer points of feminism with you, but you're, uh, - stepping on a giant boob.
- You think this is comfortable for me? I'm stuck up here and no one will help.
Hold that thought.
I have another idea, but I'm gonna need your assistance.
Great.
Uh, we're in.
Wow, that was easy.
You guys are really invested in my kid issues.
Well, we don't really have a life.
But I thought nerds date models now.
Yeah, they do.
Just not us, specifically.
No, I I dated that foot model.
Wow, that's a stretch.
Okay, come on.
What hey where'd you guys go? I really need to pee.
- Oh, no.
- They're putting me through.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Uh, Principal Friedman, please.
I couldn't exactly call the school and tell them to shut down the dance team but Griff could.
Principal Friedman? This is Mr.
Wainwright.
Sir, I'm a very concerned, very Christian parent of a young girl at your school.
Now, my little sweet angel is on this very sexist, - very demeaning dance team - Right.
Yeah, tell me, sir, would you ever have boys doing these type of unlawful gyrations? I say shut it down, sir.
I couldn't agree more.
My my daughter's name is - No video game characters, no.
- Athena.
- Annah-of-the-Shadows.
- Bayonetta.
- Xena.
- Princess Peach.
- Her name is - Liz.
Chun Li, sir.
- Chun Li Wainwright.
- "Street Fighter.
" That is just fantastic.
We'll we'll talk soon, okay? Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.
Bless bless Him.
- What? - Uh, Principal Friedman says he's going to take immediate action.
- ALL: Yes.
- All right.
- Thank you, Griff.
- That's so cool.
You tell people you're religious, and they just, like, listen to you.
[SIGHS.]
I'm so sorry.
I know I've put a lot on you, but raising kids is hard, you know? You always have to be there.
You have to keep your eye on them, always protect them.
You can't just you can't leave them dangling without any support, you know? [STAMMERING.]
Where's Norman? No.
Is he still on the wall? [WHIMPERS.]
[BOTH SCREAM.]
ALL: Oh Yes.
That's why I never let go of boobs.
Hi, cute family.
And I missed you - And Simone.
- Oh yeah.
I ran out of food, but your mother made me - curried chickpeas.
- You're in a good mood.
And now to ruin it: we got an email from Lily's school - Mom.
- What? Somebody called and complained and said that our dance team is sexist.
Ugh, what a loser.
- I am so sorry - So they're adding boys! I get to dance with boys.
Chun Li's parents are awesome! I met a girl down at the disco She said, "Hey, hey, hey" I don't understand how this happened.
Let's spend time not money And mix your milk When's the last time you saw "Inception"? Milky, milky cocoa - What? - I've been on these message boards about, you know, like, climbers and stuff, talking to guys - who were up on Everest.
- Mm.
They're kind of the only ones who can relate to me - at this point.
- [STAMMERING.]
People that have fallen off of Everest? Well, it's just, like, the culture of climbers and, like, I'm just really in the - I'm into that community now.
- Mm.
Hey, I'm sorry we left you up there, okay? I guess drinks are on us.
And I can't move around too well, so one of you has to feed me chicken wings and one of you - has to help me pee.
- I call chicken wings.
- I'll do pee.
- Oh.
Oh, I can't watch.
Talk about backfiring.
The guys have to see this.
[PHONES CHIMING.]
And move my hump Oh, no.
Oh, they've let a boy join Lily's dance team.
Emet's just sent a video.
Oh okay, okay.
David, I'm sorry, I just I was trying to protect her from having to do that without being the one to crush her spirit.
Well, you know what, Emet, it didn't work.
And now our daughter's milkshakes literally brought all the boys to the yard.
- God, he's strong.
- Oh, my God.
Oh, I do not like the way he's looking at her.
This happens in schools? Ugh! [ALL GROAN.]
I bet Lily will fart in front of him, freak out, and this will solve itself.
You should have fed her your curried chick peas.
She would have blasted him away.
Parenting is so emotionally draining.
I'm exhausted from worrying about Lily.
Can we just go five minutes without talking about the kid? Besides, there's a hot girl right over there.
How can you tell? She's turned away.
I sent the drone over there to check out the face.
Oof, Hawking did good.
Now that's a fresh face.
Okay, okay, okay.
I was hoping to avoid being the bad guy for a little longer, but obviously we have - to end this right now.
- I know you're concerned about what Lily's reaction is gonna be, but if you're cool and you're chill it'll be nothing like the way Maya was with you.
- You know what? I agree.
- Right? Yes.
Oh, my God, is he motorboating her? - Cool and chill! - Hi no, no, no.
I'm so chill.
Hey, Lil, can we just, like, - talk for one quick sec? - Mom, we're practicing.
Yeah, no, I know.
I saw that.
That was really neat.
Here's a thing: Um, I am totally cool with self-expression really am I just feel like maybe we should have a little conversation about what this looks like to other people.
I knew the mom was gonna be uptight.
It's just dancing.
Hey there, little "Magic Mike" wannabe.
- Nope.
- Okay.
No, you know what? That is not just dancing.
That was actually the most disturbing display of child gyrating I've seen since Sia made that little girl dance in a cage with Shia LaBeouf.
And by the way, these costumes Wow.
[LAUGHS.]
These are exactly the kind of clothing that makes juries extremely unsympathetic to victims.
Oh, so, yes, I'm all up in the tightness, 'cause I just watched my little baby show me how reproduction works.
I'm sorry, when did kids' dancing become all, you know, "Oh, here! Here are my legs! Wide open!" And I don't wanna say drop it like it's hot 'cause you're too young to be hot.
And I don't wanna see the twerking and the working and the jiggling and the gyrating [GASPS.]
- [GROANS.]
[GROANING.]
My entire childhood flashed before my very eyes.
Sweetie? Oh, my God.
I just flung my shoe at a child.
[FUNKY MUSIC.]
I really am my mother.
Pulled up about 6:00 in the morning Hello, there.
I see you've met Hawking, my drone.
[LAUGHS.]
Are you guys nerds with money like the Facebook guy or just nerds? I have a decent credit limit for my age.
[PHONE DINGS.]
- Oh, dear.
- Excuse me.
Emet told Lily she can't do dance team.
- It did not go down well.
- Lily's gonna be so pissed.
Well, what choice did Emet have? The girls are growing up in such an oversexualized world I mean, just look at our video games.
- Yeah.
- Don't look at me like I'm part of the problem.
I care about women.
I'm about to buy this nice lady a drink.
What can Hawking and I get you, there, beautiful person? I guess I'll have a vodka cranberry.
[YELPS.]
[ALL GASP, GROAN.]
Oh, no.
Are you okay? - What are you doing? - [GRUNTS.]
You're a bad person, Griff.
I was talking to both of them.
Hey, sexy mama, show me Hey, sexy mama, show me Hey, sexy mama, show me You know, at least Tucker's all right.
The shoe bounced right off his six-pack.
God, he's strong.
Can't believe you embarrassed me in front of him.
I held in my farts for nothing.
That's bad.
Who are you texting? Okay, that no, that's a mean thing to say about your mother.
I'm gonna put more parental controls on this.
Will you help me do that? Look, Lily, I am sorry.
I really am.
I think you're a great dancer.
And I think you should keep doing it just not on that dance team.
And not like that.
Oh, God, and not in that costume.
I was in the yard when you went loony, Mom.
- I know.
- Okay, maybe I was turning into my mom a little.
- Here's your shoe.
- But at least I was trying to be a better version of her.
Good night, Mom.
Oh, God, are we wearing the same jean jacket? Right.
This is the worst day of my life.
[MELLOW MUSIC.]
At least my journey inspired someone else to be the best version of themselves, too.
- I think that's - Hey, guys.
Oh, hey, Emet.
The four of us dudes couldn't stop thinking - about your little girl.
- That's a sentence - I never wanna hear.
- So we took your sketches and managed to come up with a strong female protagonist for the new game.
We thought it would be cool to make a character that's a role model for girls instead of bowling ball boobs.
Aww, you guys! Seriously, you're gonna try and pretend that's your idea? I've been trying to do that forever.
Why do guys take women's stuff and pretend they've just brilliantly come up with it? Because it's been working for the last 10,000 years.
I really do like her.
Yeah.
Plus she's gonna be really hot when she gets older.
You're a bad person, Griff.
He knows.
- Hello, everyone.
- Oh, hey, guys.
I got Louie that Hot Wheels he wanted.
- [LAUGHING.]
- Okay, he doesn't need - more toys, Mom.
- You don't know - what they need.
- Oh, God.
I need to go.
Somebody take this.
Yes, yes, yes.
Hey Dad, hey, I'm gonna walk Simone out.
Could you watch Jake? Well, I was just diagnosed with cataracts in both eyes, so yes, but not very well.
Did you hear that? My dad can't see.
This is great.
I don't look like my mom yet.
- Amazing.
- All right, baby.
- We gotta go.
- [GASPS.]
[LIGHTHEARTED MUSIC.]
What's wrong with you, man? I don't know.
Hey.
Well, that doesn't feel great.
[SENSUAL MUSIC.]
Here's what every woman knows: We feel bad about something almost every day.
Like sometimes, I cheat on my husband in my sleep.
[GROANS.]
Wait, babe Ugh.
Oh, sorry.
Oh, I know that look.
You had that dream again, didn't you? Yeah, I did.
Oh, but I am so cool with it if you had - a good dream too, babe.
- I dreamt a giant hawk took the baby.
I'm gonna check on him.
Every morning is totally nuts around here.
My kids act like psychos, my husband can never find anything, and I eat expired baby food for breakfast.
I never know what I'll feel bad about, but I know it's always just around the corner.
Hello.
Mama's running off to work, huh? Fancy career lady abandoning her kids.
Come on, Ma, you were a stay-at-home mom and you still screwed up Emet.
- Right, babe? - Mm-hmm.
I mean, let's be honest I don't have a tiny nervous bald spot for nothing.
I was a very good mother.
It's not possible for me to have made all those healthy, healthy snacks and still screw you up.
You used to throw your shoes at me.
And you would duck like a tiger because of my healthy, healthy snacks.
Mom, I don't need to sculpt melon balls to connect with my kids, okay? I mean, I read with Louie, I go to all of Lily's - Quiz Bowl events - I quit Quiz Bowl.
My friends and I are gonna do dance team instead.
- What do you mean? - You quit Quiz Bowl? - I hated it.
- Well, you don't have to like it.
You think I like everything - I do? - Why can't you just be happy I'm on the dance team? I don't like dancing these days.
All that gyrating and shaking.
Okay.
Yeah, let's go before this creeps in to your long-term memory.
Go, go, go.
Come on, Jakey.
Honey! Grandpa and I are going to take you to our house - where it's clean.
- I am so sorry we can't afford a stranger to take care of you.
Hmm.
Why do I even buy all this fruit? There you are.
Let's head home, Maya.
[GASPS.]
[BOTH SCREAM.]
- Dad, what the hell? - I'm sorry! I I thought you were your mother.
- What? - What? You remind me of her sometimes.
Just in how you look and sound and act and where you carry your weight.
[sighs.]
And there it is: My feel-bad for today.
My dad smacked my ass because he thought I was my mom.
Take, take Control, trol of me Take me, take me, take, take - All right.
- Kids are ready to go, I am ready to go.
Bye.
- Okay.
- Hey.
Do you find my mother attractive? Is this 'cause I saw her get out of the shower that one time? I got Bell's palsy from that.
Well, then how can you find me attractive? Because I already kind of look like her, and it's only gonna get worse.
Okay, this seems like a trap.
I mean, it's a good one, I'll give you that.
- You know what? - What? You can't answer this question.
You love me.
I need a more objective opinion.
Wait, so you want me to be into your mom? I knew exactly where to get my objective opinion: I love my job.
I'm head artist at a video game company, We have air hockey, hover boards, a rock wall the guys say it helps their creativity.
Anyway, I'm the only woman on my team.
Hey, guys.
That's Norman.
He's sweet and sensitive.
Hux is spacey, Chewey's damaged but smart, - and Griff is all about Griff.
- at the same time.
They can be weird, but we're buds and I can talk to them about anything.
Since we need a female protagonist for the new game, I stayed up late sketching more empowered women for a change.
- [ALL GROANING.]
- Not again.
Just give it a shot.
Look, check her out.
She's badass, right? She looks like Tomb Raider's boring aunt.
- Wow, Sasquatch.
- Uh-uh.
Okay, okay.
How about her? Come on, you know she can fight.
- Yeah, she's on roids.
- She looks like my dad.
I don't even know why I try.
- Who else has something? - Uh, I got this sketch of a dragon destroying the Statue of Liberty.
It's not for work but it's pretty cool.
- [ALL AGREEING.]
- Wait, really? That? Okay, okay.
Sorry, just [CLEARS THROAT.]
While we're sharing, I just want to shift the conversation a little bit.
Something happened this morning, and I'm kind of in my head about it.
So I just need you guys to be really honest with me, okay? Just tell me the truth.
I'm still do-able, right? Uh - What uh - Hypothetically speaking.
Sorry, I'm starting to spiral.
Could someone just jump in? Anyone, say something.
I'm a "yes.
" - You do have a nice face.
- [LAUGHS.]
Thank you, Norman.
I appreciate the honesty.
Yeah, but that that face doesn't seem so fresh.
- I like a fresh face.
- I would like to retract my previous statement.
I also like a fresh face.
They're lying.
- We'd all do you.
- Interesting.
Interesting! Okay! Hux, please continue.
It's like pizza: even if it's not the greatest pizza, some pizza is better than no pizza.
Uh-uh.
No, okay, that analogy's flawed.
It's more like pizza that's stale and fallen between the sofa cushions versus pizza that's hot and fresh.
That's what you mean, right? Do we want, like, older sofa pizza that has three kids at home? Is it just me, or does pizza sound really good right now? Not talking about you.
[FUNKY ELECTRONIC MUSIC.]
Okay, you know what? Forget looks.
We all know that your minds are warped from drawing chicks with giant bowling ball boobs all day.
By the way, if I woman had those proportions, - she'd snap in half.
- Bilaterally - or top to bottom? - I don't know, Chewey.
All I'm saying is having a cool, fun personality is way more important.
- True.
- Thank you.
- You kind of nag sometimes.
- Oh, yeah.
- What? - And you're critical, which is why I, hypothetically, wouldn't do it with you.
I mean, I can just hear it: "Chewey, your grunts are too feminine.
"Chewey, how come your belly's shaped weird? Chewey, how can you be this sweaty already?" Chewey, you're grossing me out.
Yeah, that would be another one.
Okay, fine.
Maybe I have some flaws.
Well, you guys could stand to take a look at yourselves.
I mean, when did nerds get so damn picky? Nerds are cool now.
We date models.
Right, Hawking? Yeah.
Good boy.
Good boy.
Yeah.
You know, at first I was like, "Who cares what those nerds think?" But then I thought, "Those guys have a point.
I can be critical and naggy.
" I mean, when Lily told me she's joining dance team I treated her exactly the way my mom treated me - when I was her age.
- Crap.
- You threw your shoe at her.
- No! My mother's the shoe-thrower.
But I did kind of crush her spirit and act unsupportive.
You know what? I'm gonna support her.
I don't have to turn into my mother.
I'm a badass woman with a will of iron.
You stopped yourself giving birth to a baby in a taxi, and you were crowning.
Yeah, you're damn right I did, because if I wanted an Indian person to yell at me while I was giving birth I would have let my mom into the delivery room.
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
Maya.
You look fetching.
I'm smitten by your appearance this evening.
What's wrong with you, man? Don't make me fight you for her.
- What are you doing? - I'm addressing - your concern from earlier.
- Don't do it like that.
It's weird.
All right, everyone, Lily is very excited.
She wants to show us her dance routine.
What dance? You were supposed to talk her out of it.
No, Mom.
Unlike you, I'm actually supporting my daughter 100%.
Oh, maybe one day she'll do crystal meth.
We can all support her.
Tweaked out as a family.
I am proud of Lily.
She's a strong young lady who knows her mind - and makes good choices.
- Are you guys ready? Yes, yes! We're so ready! We're ready! [BLACK EYED PEAS' "MY HUMPS".]
[MAN VOCALIZING BREATHILY.]
Don't pull on my hand, boy Whoo-hoo! I'm just trying to dance, boy And move my hump My hump, my hump, my hump Uh, okay.
My lovely lady lumps - [MAN VOCALIZING.]
- My lovely lady lumps My lovely lady lumps In the back and in the front How am I supposed to support that? What the hell was that? [GIRLS CHEERING.]
Where did I go wrong? Is this because I let her watch five minutes of "Showgirls" that one time? Nobody panic.
I saw on "Dateline" that there's a camp for this.
They take the child away in the middle of the night and bring them back completely reformed.
I thought Lily was amazing.
I would like to hear more about this camp.
Camp is very expensive these days.
Sweetie, either help me or wait in the car.
- Car.
- Lily is such a natural, right? I mean, when she dropped it - I really believed it was hot.
- Was it me, or did it seem like the word "booty" was thrown around a lot in that song? I don't think "booty" meant booty.
I think it was code - for vagina.
- I thought that too.
You know what? I guess I just really appreciate self-expression.
I'm going home to take a hot bath.
Don't get too excited, man.
- [LAUGHS.]
- What? [DOOR CLOSES.]
Oh, my God, what was that dance? Oh, my God, I knew you were lying.
- Of course I was.
- That dance was very - BOTH: Advanced.
- I know! Girls mature faster these days.
It's something to do with the hormones in chicken or something.
It's why some of them get boobs so young.
Chicken gives you boobs? I eat chicken every day.
Am I gonna get chicken boobs? Maybe I can eat - more seafood.
- Okay, David, focus.
I am focused.
We're telling Lily that she cannot be on the dance team.
No, no, we can't do that.
No, I refuse to shame her over something that she loves and she's excited about.
That is what my mom did to me and it made me resent her.
I wanna be in the delivery room when she gives birth.
- Don't you? - Um, no.
Look, if Lily is passionate about dance team, we cannot be so so uptight and prudish.
We have to try to understand and support her.
Oh, and seafood? Full of mercury.
Shrinks your testicles.
So does hearing your mom say "vagina.
" You know what? I can do this.
I don't have to be like my mom.
[ALL SHOUTING.]
I can be reasonable - [CHEERING.]
- Rational, and even-handed.
I think I need to sabotage my daughter.
Well, how do you want to do it? Gaslighting, mind games, Coup de Main acts? Whoo! [ULULATING.]
Shenanigans, skullduggery, gumming up the works.
You guys are sick.
Mind games, I guess? Look, I just need Lily to hate dancing and quit without it getting traced back to me, because I want to watch her give birth - one day.
- I hate to be a buzz-kill but shouldn't we be working on your un-bangable heroine for our new game? - [GRUNTS.]
- We have got to hire - more women in this place.
- The kind of subtle mental manipulation you're hoping to unleash on your kid is basic "Inception.
" Yep.
You just, uh, plant something in Lily's head, and she acts on it.
For example, I had a friend at school, Teeny.
Okay, now he was bad news.
He drank; he smoked; punched a lunch lady.
He was really cool.
Anyway, one day my mum decides that she likes him.
Since then, I saw Teeny as a total loser - and I dropped him.
- Your mom poisoned the waters - and got rid of Teeny.
- Not quite.
They were having sex.
Teeny's now my stepdad.
- That's right.
- All right, I'm gonna go "Inception" my daughter.
[BLACK EYED PEAS' "MY HUMPS".]
Okay, remember: The key to inception is the more we're into it, the more we ruin it for Lily.
Eventually she'll think it's uncool and want to quit.
- Just make a big scene, okay? - Easy enough.
[BOTH CHEERING.]
- Go, Lily! - Whoo-hoo! Make it happen, girl.
Shake that booty, Lily.
Whoo! God, she really is shaking that booty.
Arms! Sashay! - Whoo! - Candlestick! - Lead pipe! - Are you just shouting - weapons from "Clue"? - Yeah, on "Dance Moms" - they just shout stuff.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Shake it, Professor Plum! - It's not working.
- We need to step it up.
Let's do our routine from college.
Five, six, seven, eight.
[BOTH GRUNTING MELODICALLY.]
BOTH: And snake, and snake, and snake.
Kid 'n Play! Whoo-hoo, Lily! Mom, what are you doing here? I'm showing my support.
It's how I used to get you to quit things I didn't like.
Go, Lily! Grandma says, shake your bacon! Great, not only did my mom and I have the same diabolical plan, but Lily didn't quit.
I forgot she actually likes me.
Before I gave up, there was one more thing I could get the guys to do to fix this.
Guys - "Inception" backfired.
- I'm kind of relieved.
It was pretty anti-feminist to refuse Lily the dignity of her choice to dance.
Talk about keeping women locked in a hegemonic power structure.
Norman, I usually love discussing the finer points of feminism with you, but you're, uh, - stepping on a giant boob.
- You think this is comfortable for me? I'm stuck up here and no one will help.
Hold that thought.
I have another idea, but I'm gonna need your assistance.
Great.
Uh, we're in.
Wow, that was easy.
You guys are really invested in my kid issues.
Well, we don't really have a life.
But I thought nerds date models now.
Yeah, they do.
Just not us, specifically.
No, I I dated that foot model.
Wow, that's a stretch.
Okay, come on.
What hey where'd you guys go? I really need to pee.
- Oh, no.
- They're putting me through.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Uh, Principal Friedman, please.
I couldn't exactly call the school and tell them to shut down the dance team but Griff could.
Principal Friedman? This is Mr.
Wainwright.
Sir, I'm a very concerned, very Christian parent of a young girl at your school.
Now, my little sweet angel is on this very sexist, - very demeaning dance team - Right.
Yeah, tell me, sir, would you ever have boys doing these type of unlawful gyrations? I say shut it down, sir.
I couldn't agree more.
My my daughter's name is - No video game characters, no.
- Athena.
- Annah-of-the-Shadows.
- Bayonetta.
- Xena.
- Princess Peach.
- Her name is - Liz.
Chun Li, sir.
- Chun Li Wainwright.
- "Street Fighter.
" That is just fantastic.
We'll we'll talk soon, okay? Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.
Bless bless Him.
- What? - Uh, Principal Friedman says he's going to take immediate action.
- ALL: Yes.
- All right.
- Thank you, Griff.
- That's so cool.
You tell people you're religious, and they just, like, listen to you.
[SIGHS.]
I'm so sorry.
I know I've put a lot on you, but raising kids is hard, you know? You always have to be there.
You have to keep your eye on them, always protect them.
You can't just you can't leave them dangling without any support, you know? [STAMMERING.]
Where's Norman? No.
Is he still on the wall? [WHIMPERS.]
[BOTH SCREAM.]
ALL: Oh Yes.
That's why I never let go of boobs.
Hi, cute family.
And I missed you - And Simone.
- Oh yeah.
I ran out of food, but your mother made me - curried chickpeas.
- You're in a good mood.
And now to ruin it: we got an email from Lily's school - Mom.
- What? Somebody called and complained and said that our dance team is sexist.
Ugh, what a loser.
- I am so sorry - So they're adding boys! I get to dance with boys.
Chun Li's parents are awesome! I met a girl down at the disco She said, "Hey, hey, hey" I don't understand how this happened.
Let's spend time not money And mix your milk When's the last time you saw "Inception"? Milky, milky cocoa - What? - I've been on these message boards about, you know, like, climbers and stuff, talking to guys - who were up on Everest.
- Mm.
They're kind of the only ones who can relate to me - at this point.
- [STAMMERING.]
People that have fallen off of Everest? Well, it's just, like, the culture of climbers and, like, I'm just really in the - I'm into that community now.
- Mm.
Hey, I'm sorry we left you up there, okay? I guess drinks are on us.
And I can't move around too well, so one of you has to feed me chicken wings and one of you - has to help me pee.
- I call chicken wings.
- I'll do pee.
- Oh.
Oh, I can't watch.
Talk about backfiring.
The guys have to see this.
[PHONES CHIMING.]
And move my hump Oh, no.
Oh, they've let a boy join Lily's dance team.
Emet's just sent a video.
Oh okay, okay.
David, I'm sorry, I just I was trying to protect her from having to do that without being the one to crush her spirit.
Well, you know what, Emet, it didn't work.
And now our daughter's milkshakes literally brought all the boys to the yard.
- God, he's strong.
- Oh, my God.
Oh, I do not like the way he's looking at her.
This happens in schools? Ugh! [ALL GROAN.]
I bet Lily will fart in front of him, freak out, and this will solve itself.
You should have fed her your curried chick peas.
She would have blasted him away.
Parenting is so emotionally draining.
I'm exhausted from worrying about Lily.
Can we just go five minutes without talking about the kid? Besides, there's a hot girl right over there.
How can you tell? She's turned away.
I sent the drone over there to check out the face.
Oof, Hawking did good.
Now that's a fresh face.
Okay, okay, okay.
I was hoping to avoid being the bad guy for a little longer, but obviously we have - to end this right now.
- I know you're concerned about what Lily's reaction is gonna be, but if you're cool and you're chill it'll be nothing like the way Maya was with you.
- You know what? I agree.
- Right? Yes.
Oh, my God, is he motorboating her? - Cool and chill! - Hi no, no, no.
I'm so chill.
Hey, Lil, can we just, like, - talk for one quick sec? - Mom, we're practicing.
Yeah, no, I know.
I saw that.
That was really neat.
Here's a thing: Um, I am totally cool with self-expression really am I just feel like maybe we should have a little conversation about what this looks like to other people.
I knew the mom was gonna be uptight.
It's just dancing.
Hey there, little "Magic Mike" wannabe.
- Nope.
- Okay.
No, you know what? That is not just dancing.
That was actually the most disturbing display of child gyrating I've seen since Sia made that little girl dance in a cage with Shia LaBeouf.
And by the way, these costumes Wow.
[LAUGHS.]
These are exactly the kind of clothing that makes juries extremely unsympathetic to victims.
Oh, so, yes, I'm all up in the tightness, 'cause I just watched my little baby show me how reproduction works.
I'm sorry, when did kids' dancing become all, you know, "Oh, here! Here are my legs! Wide open!" And I don't wanna say drop it like it's hot 'cause you're too young to be hot.
And I don't wanna see the twerking and the working and the jiggling and the gyrating [GASPS.]
- [GROANS.]
[GROANING.]
My entire childhood flashed before my very eyes.
Sweetie? Oh, my God.
I just flung my shoe at a child.
[FUNKY MUSIC.]
I really am my mother.
Pulled up about 6:00 in the morning Hello, there.
I see you've met Hawking, my drone.
[LAUGHS.]
Are you guys nerds with money like the Facebook guy or just nerds? I have a decent credit limit for my age.
[PHONE DINGS.]
- Oh, dear.
- Excuse me.
Emet told Lily she can't do dance team.
- It did not go down well.
- Lily's gonna be so pissed.
Well, what choice did Emet have? The girls are growing up in such an oversexualized world I mean, just look at our video games.
- Yeah.
- Don't look at me like I'm part of the problem.
I care about women.
I'm about to buy this nice lady a drink.
What can Hawking and I get you, there, beautiful person? I guess I'll have a vodka cranberry.
[YELPS.]
[ALL GASP, GROAN.]
Oh, no.
Are you okay? - What are you doing? - [GRUNTS.]
You're a bad person, Griff.
I was talking to both of them.
Hey, sexy mama, show me Hey, sexy mama, show me Hey, sexy mama, show me You know, at least Tucker's all right.
The shoe bounced right off his six-pack.
God, he's strong.
Can't believe you embarrassed me in front of him.
I held in my farts for nothing.
That's bad.
Who are you texting? Okay, that no, that's a mean thing to say about your mother.
I'm gonna put more parental controls on this.
Will you help me do that? Look, Lily, I am sorry.
I really am.
I think you're a great dancer.
And I think you should keep doing it just not on that dance team.
And not like that.
Oh, God, and not in that costume.
I was in the yard when you went loony, Mom.
- I know.
- Okay, maybe I was turning into my mom a little.
- Here's your shoe.
- But at least I was trying to be a better version of her.
Good night, Mom.
Oh, God, are we wearing the same jean jacket? Right.
This is the worst day of my life.
[MELLOW MUSIC.]
At least my journey inspired someone else to be the best version of themselves, too.
- I think that's - Hey, guys.
Oh, hey, Emet.
The four of us dudes couldn't stop thinking - about your little girl.
- That's a sentence - I never wanna hear.
- So we took your sketches and managed to come up with a strong female protagonist for the new game.
We thought it would be cool to make a character that's a role model for girls instead of bowling ball boobs.
Aww, you guys! Seriously, you're gonna try and pretend that's your idea? I've been trying to do that forever.
Why do guys take women's stuff and pretend they've just brilliantly come up with it? Because it's been working for the last 10,000 years.
I really do like her.
Yeah.
Plus she's gonna be really hot when she gets older.
You're a bad person, Griff.
He knows.
- Hello, everyone.
- Oh, hey, guys.
I got Louie that Hot Wheels he wanted.
- [LAUGHING.]
- Okay, he doesn't need - more toys, Mom.
- You don't know - what they need.
- Oh, God.
I need to go.
Somebody take this.
Yes, yes, yes.
Hey Dad, hey, I'm gonna walk Simone out.
Could you watch Jake? Well, I was just diagnosed with cataracts in both eyes, so yes, but not very well.
Did you hear that? My dad can't see.
This is great.
I don't look like my mom yet.
- Amazing.
- All right, baby.
- We gotta go.
- [GASPS.]
[LIGHTHEARTED MUSIC.]
What's wrong with you, man? I don't know.
Hey.
Well, that doesn't feel great.