I Feel Bad (2018) s01e09 Episode Script

I Need My Mom

1 Mmm-mmm-mmm.
That spice rub smells amazing.
Do you need any help basting? I am an excellent baster.
What are we rubbing down? - Me.
- Okay, no.
Yep, Mom's back has been hurting since last week when she tried to pick up a ham but she won't go to the doctor because she's stubborn and because, of course, there's nothing a turmeric paste can't cure.
This is the original Ben and Gay.
Mom, listen, you smell so delicious that I'd love to serve you over a bed of rice but I think you need to see a doctor.
No! My friend Gurjinder went to the doctor.
Now she's dead.
That's not why.
Okay, Mom, I need you to go to the doctor because I care about you, and because I need you to take care of our kids.
- Yeah.
- Mom's home! [together] Mom, mom, mom, mom! Aww, my babies.
After working all day, I look forward to this.
Mom, tell Louie that's my keychain.
He needs to give it back to me.
He threw his away at Taco Bell.
Those are false allegations; this is my grizzly.
It's chewed on one end, and I chewed it! Nobody needs a keychain because neither of you owns any keys.
That's not the point; it's special to me.
It's special to me! Chewing it brings me comfort.
Okay, we'll work on that Wait, no, Mom.
No! - [disposal whirring] - Problem solved.
Come Louie, take this and rub it on my hard to reach places.
God, I can't believe I let my mom take care of my kids.
[upbeat music] - - Getting my mom to go to the doctor was a lot like tricking a dog into going to the vet.
You gotta promise a treat to get them in the car.
Oh, boy.
I can't believe I'm finally seeing "Hamilton.
" Nothing takes away pain like a three hour hip-hop musical about a treasury secretary.
Yeah, just got to get the tickets from my friend Deb in her office.
Poor little buddy.
She has no idea what she's in for.
Are we there yet? Mom, I'm doing this for your own good.
What? [gasps] A doctor? I should have known this was a lie.
You have no friends.
- All right, come on.
Come on.
- No! So, my mom is confined to bed rest in her house.
Okay, Mom, you heard what the doctor said.
You have a bulging disc.
You need to stay off your feet and rest so that you can heal.
If Sonny is going to take care of me who is going to take care of the children? Some stranger who will duct tape the baby to the couch so she can go outside and smoke a doobie pipe? Yes, Mom, I know what you think about strangers taking care of the kids.
That it's white people nonsense like sunscreen and supporting public radio.
You know, without our support, National Public Radio would actually be in dire, dire - It's not the time.
- I'll sit this one out.
With family at least you know they'll do best for the kids.
Mom, you took the kids to Gurjinder's funeral.
Yes, I used it as a lesson.
I said, "She didn't finish her vegetables.
" Oh, my God, Mom.
Please just focus on getting better, okay? The kids will be fine.
Yes.
I will take some work from home days.
I will rearrange some commitments.
It won't be easy, but we will manage.
Oh, Googaloo, only you know how to ease my pain.
- Sing to me, Sweetie.
- For you, my love, anything.
[humming] Come and get your love, Baby You know what? We're gonna get out of here.
- Come and get your love - Feel better.
Guys, sorry I'm late.
This morning was stressful because my parents aren't around.
Oh dear.
So sudden.
It's just that there's nothing that can prepare you for this, is there? Chewey, do you seriously think that I would come into work if my parents had just died? - Yes.
- The answer is no.
My mom's back is out and my dad is taking care of her.
David couldn't even go into work.
We're such a mess.
Ah! I think I put coffee in Louie's lunch box.
Ugh, okay, well, we'll find out tonight.
Why don't you just hire a nanny? You're a freaking millionaire.
Okay, Griff, just because I'm your boss does not mean I'm a millionaire.
Also, as much as I fantasized about having a nanny my mom would freak out, and she'd be right to.
I mean, those are my babies.
If Jake was in danger do you think a stranger would throw down their life for him? Well, actually, I can answer that question as I've had many nannies, but I'll never forget about Tabitha who risked it all to scoop me up at a polo match when a stampede broke out on our property.
Wait, you've had a lot of nannies? Wait, you grew up on a property? Just a small farm with a small castle and polo grounds.
Chewey, are you, like, royalty? No, don't be silly.
No.
No, nobility.
Yeah, the correct title is baron, which is just a lord who owns land, basically.
And you never mentioned this, why? Well, it's very unbecoming of a lord to mention he's a lord.
It's like if you went to Oxford.
You wouldn't walk around telling everyone, "I went to Oxford.
" - Did you go to Oxford? - Yes.
So, how do we get ahead of this scandal in the skies, David? Well, Dennis, the press is going to spin this like we kicked a breastfeeding mother off an airplane, because that is in fact what we did.
[clears throat] So I think it's whoops I think it's really important that that we let people know that we have the second lowest breastfeeding mom kickoff rate of any domestic airline, umm What are you doing? Dad's doing work.
I'm going viral, momma.
Uh, David, is this not a good time? No, this is a great time, Dennis.
Umm Dennis? Is that that bald turd you're always talking about? - Ems.
Ems.
- No, babe.
What? Uh, little bit of a Skype problem at home.
I need to go into the office.
So, can you take the kids for the afternoon? - Yes? - No, no, no, David.
- This is not a daycare.
- Emet.
Emet, watch.
I'm gonna do it.
Emet, Emet, check it out.
Ready? Yeah, no, for children.
It's not a daycare for children.
Okay, I tried working from home.
It wasn't productive, so, we can't keep our jobs without help.
So either Lily is the mom now, or we hire someone.
You guys shouldn't be so worried.
Okay, having a nanny isn't all bad.
I mean, sure, some of mine were cruel, and some of them were kind, but one thing's for certain: A boy who makes his bed is a very clever lad and a very clever lad doesn't need his dad [blows raspberry] It's like Mary Poppins but depressing.
Yeah, it's something.
Okay, fine.
David, you're right.
Maybe we should just do it.
We'll hire a nanny until my mom gets back.
All right, what should we tell your mom? Are you crazy? Nothing.
If I can hide dating a white guy for a year I can certainly hide a nanny for a few weeks.
Check out my big red ball.
Watch! Okay, you know what? Just ignore.
Ignore him.
- Do not talk to him, ever.
Ever.
- Side by side.
Okay, what if the nanny is a sociopath or a meth addict or has a weird sized eye that I can't stop looking at, and then she senses that it's making me uncomfortable and she takes it out on the kids? On paper this woman is more qualified to raise our children than we are.
[knocking] Oh, I like her knock.
Mm-hmm.
Knock says a lot about a person.
Just a sec.
Nice to meet you.
Come on in.
- Hi.
- Hi! - I'm Anna Mae.
- Yes, hello.
Hello, Mommy.
And this must be my friend, Jake.
Now you come to me, little smoosh muffin.
Just don't be offended because he does sometimes take a minute to just warm up to strangers and [cooing] He's just fine.
Wow.
Little trick I just dab some banana behind each ear.
Kids love it.
Unfortunately, so do fruit flies.
- Sure.
- Oh, there's one.
Louie, give me back my hair tie! [together] Guys, cut it out! Louie! - It's my hair tie! - I need it! Is that what I think it is, young man? Wow, I have heard of those but I can't believe you actually have one.
This is not a hair tie or a weapon.
This is a magical sibling bonding band.
Hurry up! Show me your wrist before it loses its power.
Wow.
I feel it.
- Oh, this bitch is good.
- Yeah, that is the real deal.
Who are you? Yeah, uh, guys, this is Anna Mae and she's your new nanny.
'Cause she's magic.
So, what do we want for dinner? Chicken pot pie? Are you more of a crusty bottom or like a biscuit top guy? - Well - Wait.
Both? Can you love two women at once? Yes.
Uh, me and Griff have been talking and we want to come to your castle.
Yes.
You've taken dumps at both of our apartments so it's only fair.
And I know black people are allowed now because Duchess Meghan kicked down the door.
Hi guys, good morning.
Anna Mae made muffins.
This woman is amazing.
I mean, she cooks, she cleans, she tricks the kids.
This is exactly what I dreamed parenting would be like.
I don't suppose there's any freshly churned butter to go with them, is there? No.
Well, she's no nanny Tabitha, then.
[phone chimes] Oh, no, no, no, this is terrible.
My mom is gonna be fine.
She's gonna be back on her feet in a few days.
Damn.
I pray every night that my mom stay healthy but that's just me, I guess.
That is just you, okay? I want her to be healthy.
I just don't want her to be able to walk or get up for a little while.
Is that so wrong? Anna Mae is like if Xanax became a person.
And David and I needed to make this prescription last as long as possible.
I just had to hope David could lie.
The kids send their love.
They're with Trina.
You don't know her but she exists.
She's a third cousin of mine.
Family.
It's only temporary.
How are you doing? I miss my grandkids.
Hey, no sitting.
That's the fancy chair.
- What are you doing? - I forgot family stands.
Oh, Mom, we are just so glad that you're feeling so much better but you should take your time, you know? I mean, we wouldn't want you to come back before you're ready.
You could reinjure yourself.
You could be gone for, like, six months.
What nonsense.
When I was a girl I won the jump rope competition while I was burning with malaria.
I'm a strong woman.
Oh, she's right.
Quick, throw a wooden block at her feet and hobble her.
Maya, the kids, they miss you but they are fine.
I'm working from home, kinda.
You should take your time and get well.
Yeah, perhaps I should stay off my feet a bit longer.
You definitely should, Mom.
Oh, Sonny! It's both too hot and too cold in this room.
Of course, my love, I shall both raise and lower the thermostat per your needs.
Okay, we're gonna go, but you rest and be warm and cold.
- Okay.
- Psst.
What? What? Hi, Dad.
I knew you two were up to something.
I need you to stop.
[whispering] Very concerned about my mother-in I love her, but I need my life back.
Sonny, I'm craving Flamin' Hot Cheetos.
Postmates.
Okay, come on.
I'm gonna kick your butt, Lily! I'm gonna kick your butt! Well, we knew that was too good to last.
- Yup.
- Three.
Two.
One.
Hands up.
And the folding champion is both of you for doing your personal best.
Yes! I love the way we smell.
Mountain fresh! My God, is she turning chores into games? Remember my mom, she turns games into chores.
You remember when we played checkers with her? Oh, my God that was hell.
Can I ask you guys a quick favor? Sure.
Do you mind if I stay a little later tonight? I don't think she knows how favors work.
Well, it's just Jake's asleep and Lil and Lou are easy-peasy, and you guys have a sick cable package.
Plus, I thought maybe you could use a night out together? - We couldn't do that.
- You've been working all day.
- But what's a few more hours? - If you insist, though.
I insist.
What? Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Buca Di Beppo's? Yes, but also, if we hired her permanently we could live like this all the time.
We could have a healthy, stable home and we could get our pictures on the wall at the Buc.
The only problem is once my mom's back gets better we'd have to break her heart.
Yeah we would.
You know what? Tomorrow thoughts.
Let's go carbo load.
After the greatest night's sleep I've had since I accidentally mistook a Valium for an allergy pill, I felt less guilty about kicking my mom to the curb.
I mean, look at this kitchen.
It's so clean, you'd never even know I had kids.
That's the dream, people.
- Good morning, Emet.
- Good morning.
The kids will be ready for school shortly.
Ah, amazing.
God, it is just so nice to have a breather in the morning, you know? - Yeah.
- Just, usually I'm scrambling to get the kids ready for school and Louie's homework ready and here it is just done and ready to go.
Well, you should read Louie's story.
Such imagination.
Hyperbole aside, his mind is boundless.
- My Louie? - Okay, I'm gonna go sanitize the baby's humidifier.
Thank you.
You do that and I'm just gonna sit right here.
All right, let's see this story.
"The Magical Fairy who Saved the Boy" by Louie Sweetzer.
This is cute.
"Once upon a time there was a little prince whose mommy, "the queen, was busy all the time.
"Too busy to make the boy carne asada tacos "even though a lot of families have taco Tuesday.
"The fairy was fun and cool and not busy at all, "so, he asked her to put a spell on his mom "so she wouldn't remember he'd been born.
Then the boy could live with the fairy forever.
" Seriously, Louie? You think the nanny's better than me? Oh, gosh.
I'm gonna need her to iron that.
Okay, okay, okay guys.
Just talk me off the ledge.
Sure.
Emet, you don't look forty.
Not that ledge, but, thank you.
Does Louie's story mean that the kids like the nanny better than me? No way, Lily and Louie have, like, a special bond with you.
- You're their mom.
- Thank you, Griff.
The baby on the other hand You guys basically just met.
So every day that goes by, she becomes more his mom than you are.
You guys craving tacos? Oh, God, that's my actual nightmare.
Okay, but if David's happy and the kids are happy then do I even really get to admit that I'm too insecure to let them be happy? Good golly, I need a vacation from this.
Which is why we're all going to jolly old England.
Yep, mum says you're all invited to use this castle for tea.
[together] Yes! I can't go to England.
I'm losing my family.
Just bring them with you! Anyway, I've organized everything, okay? So, between the airfare, ground transportation, and our share of the staff salaries, it comes to £5,000 each.
Venmo me.
I'm chuffed! We're not [bleep] doing that, right? Maybe I'm overreacting.
After all, I'm not used to the kids spending time with anyone new.
It's fine.
I'm good.
I'm fine.
I know my kids love me more than anything.
- Mommy's home.
- Yay! Aww, already? Does Anna Mae have to go home? Please stay.
We love you.
Yeah, that's it.
This bitch has got to go.
You know, babe, as much as we love Anna Mae Oh, my gosh do we love her.
I mean, a blessing on her head.
Mazel Tov.
Mazel Tov.
Yeah, but you know, maybe family is best.
- Hmm? - I mean, at least we can trust my mom, you know? 'Cause I just read this article about this nanny who turned out to be in a cult and brainwashed the kids Oh, yeah.
Wash those brains right out.
Scrub a dub dub 'em.
- Our family's never been happier.
- Yeah.
Dammit.
David's not biting.
If I'm gonna get rid of Anna Mae she'll have to give me a reason to send her packing.
Hey, Anna Mae.
Listen, um, I know you asked to go to your brother's wedding but, um, I'm getting a massage that day so it's a hard no.
Well, I don't know how to say this nicely but Quit, quit, quit, quit, quit.
- Thank you! - What? Ah! I did not want to go to that wedding.
- Oh.
- Toby is a toxic personality.
- Oh.
- And it's in Tucson.
- No thank you.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Well I'm here for you.
- Thank you.
[laughing] Okay.
So good.
I knew what I had to do: frame the nanny for a felony.
Okay, even for me that's a low.
I can't, I can't Oh, let me get that out of your way.
Oh! Louie's iPad? How did that get in my bag? [scoffs] I was wondering the same thing.
It was me.
I did it.
I put the iPad in the bag.
I don't think that's what happened.
It is what happened.
I saw.
I wanted to give Anna Mae a present for being the best.
Aww, Louie.
That's very sweet but I couldn't accept that.
You know what I do take? Hugs.
- Come here.
- Get her.
Get her good.
God, they're protecting her.
My nanny's not a thief but my kids are frickin' liars.
I need something big.
I will break her.
Googaloo, shall we have a baby? Hmm? I knew I should have cut those pain pills in half.
There was a 72 year old in India who stuck some other woman's eggs inside her and plopped out a baby.
Why can't I? Okay, look.
I know you miss the grandchildren but you'll get better soon.
Just be patient.
You're right, Googaloo.
I miss my grandkids so much.
Can you get me a pillow that's as firm as it is soft? [sighs] If I was going to get this loveable leech out of the way I needed David on my side.
I was gonna hit him where it hurts his vintage guitar, which he named Butter.
Sorry, Butter.
I'm so sorry.
I took my eyes off Jake for a second.
He must have found a way to reach and unscrew the cap to the paint and then he got it on his fingers and got it all over the guitar without getting a drop anywhere else, somehow? Okay, you know what, the details actually don't really matter.
What concerns me more than the very, very, very special guitar that you ruined is why were you not watching our child? I mean, this says toxic if swallowed.
Okay, the baby didn't touch toxic paint.
I switched them out.
You know, he could have gotten into pills, rat poison, bath salts.
I mean, this is serious, Anna Mae.
Can you just please explain to us what you could have possibly been doing that made you leave our baby alone? I was on my phone but I was making Bitmojis of the kids.
Okay, don't know what that means.
- Super fun cartoon.
- Wow.
I can't believe I'm saying this but we have to let you go.
I understand.
I'll get my things.
Who did that? Emet did that.
Okay, honey, look.
I know that that was hard, but you did the right thing.
- You really did.
- Yeah.
I'm gonna miss her.
Okay, but the good news is my mom will be back soon.
It's just so weird.
She was so good with the kids.
She was so, so, so attentive.
Why are your nail beds blue? Oh, you know what? That's the new Kylie Jenner nail polish.
It's supposed to look stupid.
God, I caught you blue handed.
You you set that woman up? Look, David, she just wasn't the right fit for us, okay? - That's just I'm being honest.
- That's not what you said the other day when you said we should ask her to replace your mother.
[wheelchair squeaking] Oh, no.
So how long have you been there? Long enough, man.
I was stopping by to show you that I'm better.
I was going to do one of those dramatic moments where I look hopeless but then I get up from my chair and walk.
Okay, well, we're really glad that you're better, Mom.
My back was better until you stabbed me in it.
You two are dishonest and ungrateful and you have hurt me deeply.
So I quit.
I'm not going to look after your children.
Good luck.
Okay, Emet did this and they're my kids too so this seems unfair.
Wow, you're here, too.
Great.
Okie-dokie.
Good to see you.
Love you.
My life is over.
I think we should talk.
Oh, God.
My mom's never gonna forgive me.
I mean, I don't know if you picked up on this she holds grudges tighter than a handbag.
Oh, your mom? I mean, I don't know if I'm gonna forgive you.
You chased away Anna Mae the best thing that ever happened to us.
Honey, you read Louie's story, okay? I I thought I was replacing my mom.
I didn't want to replace myself.
Sweetie, it's just a story.
Yeah, it's a story of my life.
Look, my time with the kids is already cut in half because of work, okay? And I love my job.
I do.
I just feel a little guilty sometimes but at least I get to come home and see their excited faces saying, "Yay, Mommy's home!" I wanted to be the magic fairy.
You're their mother.
You'll always be their magic fairy but you are a magic fairy with a full time job and so am I and we have to get real.
Because of your jealousy, you pushed away someone who made our family happier.
- And you pushed away pot pie.
- You're right.
We gotta get her back.
Feel you pulling on my heart When you let the greatest thing that's ever happened to you walk out of your life, - there's only one thing to do.
- Dump your kids at a play date and get her back.
Back to you I just hope it wasn't too late.
Hi.
Look, I know what I did was wrong.
I do.
And even more than that, I realize you don't know how much you need someone until you lose them.
What Emet is trying to say is, we need you.
Yes.
You.
Not a stranger that acts like family but family that acts strange.
Hold that.
I'm just a girl standing in front of her mother, asking her to forgive her, and watch her children for free.
You had me at you made a giant mistake, and I'm always right because family is best.
Mom, I know now how it feels to be replaced.
I'm so sorry.
I didn't mean to hurt you.
Also, we tried to get Anna Mae back, but she was pissed and wanted an extra $500 a month and that meant Jake couldn't go to college.
So, here we are.
You're right, Maya.
Family is best.
'Cause it's free.
Okie-dokie.
I'm going to take a little nap now.
Wake me in three days.
Clear your plates, kids, and put them on the island for your mom to wash.
Grandma, can you make it into a game like how Anna Mae used to? What do I look like? Buster's Dave Arcade? Just do it.
Emet? - Yeah? - Where's the saffron? I need to slather some on my psoriasis.
And it was all just a dream.
- Stop following me, Louie.
- I'm not following you! Where do you keep your saffron? Everything's back to normal.
Happy days.
You stop it now or I'll throw cold water on you.